After Thoughts: Chapter 8

Welcome to Michaela Mae's Audiobook Experience for The Barn off of Colfax Lane: an unfiltered memoir about sexual assault and the mixed feelings that come with it. 

In this book Michaela tells her story of the childhood sexual abuse she experienced when she was 12-years-old while taking horse back riding lessons from a horse trainer in Oregon.

BOOK SUMMARY:

I was 12 years old the first time my horse trainer grabbed my left boob and asked me if I had ever had sex. I'm not sure what caught me off guard the most: his question or the fact a 79-year-old man had his hand firmly cusped around my boob while asking me, a 12-year-old, if I had ever had sex. I've blocked out a lot of that season from my mind, but that first day sticks out clearer than the rest. Is it because of the shock? Is it because I hadn't fully remembered my pro-dissociation skills yet?

I have no f*cking clue, but I do remember the green-striped tank top and the dark navy blue jeans I had on that day. I remember watching his lips ooze as the words, "Have you ever had sex?" spilled out of them. I remember the blank stare in his eyes, the black specks of chew stuck in his teeth, and the way his cheeks met his chin like a pillow shoved under fitted sheets.

My eyes left my left boob, flung around the barn, and up to his face. The light coming in from the barn door behind him lit his back, but darkened his face so his face looked as dark as the blank stare in his eyes. My brain raced for answers that made sense. Hell, it searched for a question that made sense too. "No, of course not. Wait, why is this happening? How do I answer? Do I answer? Am I dreaming?" I couldn't speak, so I looked up at him blankly then he turned and walked away.

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For inquiries or to connect with Michaela directly, email michaela@michaelamae.com

© 2024 MP Media. All rights reserved.

Narrated by Author Michaela Mae.

Keywords: survivor memoir, childhood sexual abuse memoir, childhood sexual abuse, trauma memoir, healing memoir, horse trainer abuse, equestrian community, read by the author, audiobook, Oregon, Michaela Mae

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Chapter eight, afterthoughts. That chapter was a lot harder for me to read than I was expecting it to be. I actually the stuff with Todd is this round of reading the book has not been it's been difficult, of course, and it hasn't been as difficult as it has been in the past. It was when I got to the stuff with my babysitter son that I internally I was having a hard time with, and I actually even had the urge to just not read this part. A part of me thought, like, I don't have to put this in the book, it's okay. I or into the audiobook, it's already in the book, obviously. But I could just glimpse over it, I can just pretend like it's not there and I can go. And that one's been really hard for me because it it seems I really struggled with the and it it's wild because as I've said in the other afterthoughts, I I've I'm not surprised by the patterns I've studied between people who abuse and people who get abused. I'm not surprised that it happened to me twice, and yet I still really struggle with it. And I I really struggled with it too because I didn't remember till that summer. I think when I look back, there were parts of me that kind of remembered it, but it was almost as if it became safer for me to start remembering what happened that summer than it was safer to forget, like a part of my brain, my psyche, or my body. It I don't I don't know what the right word would be, words would be, to be honest with you. I don't know if it was something like it got activated, like that track in my brain got activated and that helped me remember, or if it was like my body believing, like, hey, you're actually safer to remember this than you are to forget this, and that's what resurfaced those memories. But I really this is something I've had to work really hard on, on not, it's like no one's it's not my business how people perceive me, what people think of me, and I still struggle with feeling like, oh, okay, well, it can happen once, but it feels so far-fetched. Like, it feels so far-fetched that that happened twice. And so for me to tell this story and to really have to relive of, oh, this was something that happened twice, those those thoughts still come up of like, mm, Michaela, this seems a little far-fetched. Like, mmm, do you really want to put the like are people really gonna believe you? Like, if you just told the story once about what happened to you with the horse trainer, like that's believable, but the twice thing, like with your babysitter son, do you really like is that really believable, Michaela? And that that's the work that I've had to do. That it's it's none of my business if people believe me. Like, I've been to court for both of those cases, and I it's none of my business if people believe me or if people don't. And of course, the people who have always believed me, it's it's meant the world to have that support. And obviously, the important thing is like I know the truth, and that's all I can do is I can tell my story and how people perceive that story or per peep people perceive me after they hear that story again, is none of my business. And I also just want to share that, yeah, I I still struggle with it, and I was struggling with it as I was reading that part of the book, and you know, that was one of the things, even that the judge in the case with my babysitter son had said was that well, the porn magazine feels far-fetched, and what's super interesting is out of all the things that happened with my babysitter son, that is the thing like there are three things about that that day that I just read to you that stick out clearly, and that magazine is one of them. And I mean, I remember his brother's room was they lived in a mobile home, and so if you walk down the hallway, his room was on the left, and his brother's room was on the right. And I remember he had the door open, like the way his bed was in his room, where I was leaning against the wall, I could see into his brother's room when both the doors were open. So I remember vividly watching him walk into the room and grab the magazine and come back and open the page and lay it on my lap and like told me, like, this is what we have to do. And even him saying that, that's another thing that's very vivid in my mind, is him saying, like, this is what we have to do. And I remember how tan the couple were. I remember they were both brunettes, like it's very clear in my mind, and so it was always really interesting to me that that was the thing that the judge, like that's that's what he he said, because it was a judge trial, it wasn't a jury trial. And yeah, I mean, it's hard. It's um that's been the hardest part of my story, I would say, for me to connect to and to feel solid in, mostly because even the stuff that I have forgotten with Todd, that part that I was talking to in the middle, like when we were reading the clouds in the sky chapter, there are parts in the middle that are very fuzzy. I can remember the things that happened, but I can't really remember the order they happened in. They're fuzzy, but I was old enough, like I remember it very well. Where a good chunk of the stuff with my babysitter's son, because I was so young, I I don't remember that them at all. I actually only remember that one day that I just read to you from the book. That's all I remember. So I have a hard time really standing in, like, oh yeah, this happened with my babysitter's son. And it wasn't until after doing a ton of therapy and more memories resurfacing, I've gotten better about like, oh yeah, this happened to me twice. But yeah, I still really I still struggle with it. And again, and I talked about in earlier afterthoughts, like I do really believe the truth sets us free. And part of that right now is me just admitting, like, yeah, this is something I still struggle with talking about it, and I've gotten better about it. I've I do feel better about it than when I started, and I still struggle, and that's just that's just the truth. And yeah, I I don't yeah, I don't really know what else to say other than it I think what surprised me about reading that chapter this last time was those those struggles like came up again. Again, with me wanting to skip over this part or not talk about this part, and again concerned about the perception of getting the you know, getting this audiobook out and people thinking, oh, okay, well, the part with her trainer I can I can get on board, but I'm not getting on board with this, and again, it's none of my business. Like, turn off the audiobook, you don't have to listen to it. Um, but this is what happened, and the reason, which I'm not gonna say now, but the reason that I did ultimately put that in there is because of another thing that unfolds with Todd later on in this book, that part of the story was very crucial to this other part that happens in the story, and I'll I'll talk more about that in the afterthoughts. But yeah, it it was hard because when, and again, I'll get more of uh into this in the next book I write, but you know, after we started going through the court process with Todd, the only reason I even told the detective about what happened with my babysitter son was because I'd watched a ton of Law and Order SVU, to be honest with you. And I was so paranoid that if I lied about something, so when the detective asked me if anything like this had ever happened to me before, I was so paranoid that if I lied about it, it would blow up my case with Todd. And because we were going to court, even though it was hard, I I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that case because I really wanted to see it through and I really wanted to see Todd, I I wanted, I guess, justice, if you will. I wanted to see Todd go to jail. I think not just for me, but again for all the years he had gotten away with it. And so I was gonna be damned if I let that get in the way. I had no, I I had never, and even I had at 12, I had looked up the Statue of Limitations in Oregon to see if that case was even eligible for trial. And the way I looked it up, it I didn't think it was, and so I felt so confident in a way of like telling the detective, oh yeah, this happened, and it was like, uh-huh, it's not nothing's gonna happen. And then next thing I know, I'm going to a different courthouse in a different county and getting interviewed by a different set of police, and it was a whole thing, and yeah, and that was you know, and that's what even in the struggle, and even just talking to you about this right now, like that's what I have to remember, even in that store, because they ended up taking the stuff with my because of the statute of limitations, they ended up taking the stuff with my babysitter son to court first, and the DA on my case was just absolutely amazing. The victims advocate I had was just absolutely phenomenal. The cop on my case, um at at the time, this county didn't have like detectives just for sexual assault, so they just kind of picked a random cop and put him on my case, and he was just absolutely amazing, and um that's what that's you know, even in the struggles, it's like we do have to root and ground into the important things, and the important thing was the people that the people that did believe in me, you know, the people that even through my struggles were always there and always had my back. And that was one thing. The the cop on my case with my babysitter son wasn't able to come to the last day of the trial because the trial kept getting postponed, something happened, he wasn't able to attend. Well, I live in a small town, and so as small towns, small town, they my mom had run into him at a restaurant, like she went to go pick food up for us, and my mom and she ran into him, and he said, How'd it go? I haven't heard anything, and the it because it was a not it was a not guilty verdict, and um he was so bummed and he he looked at my mom and he said, Will you please tell Michaela for whatever it's worth? I never doubted her for a second, and it was really interesting because like the judge on the case was was just a jerk, like he was just a jerk, and he he didn't like me. I mean that that was kind of what it came down to, like the dude just didn't like me, and that's okay. And and we take you take that that risk with you know a judge, you know, the I believe I I don't remember fully, but the defendant does get to choose if it's a a judge or a jury trial, and it can be a good or a bad thing, right? Because on a you're trying to prove, you know, beyond a reasonable doubt or whatever that saying is to 12 people or to one person, and you know, you get some moms in there, they might be more, you know, there's just such there's a whole thing, and it's I'm not gonna get into all of it, but yeah, the judge just didn't like me. And I mean that was very clear, but the DA, you know, afterwards said, Hey, like, I'm so sorry, and he like he gave me a huge hug, like he was so bummed. He's like, I thought we would at least get they they charged him with two uh two crimes, and we knew the one was a stretch, but my my um defense attorney really thought or um not uh ADA. I guess he was an ADA, so assistant district attorney attorney, yeah. He was ADA. He really thought we'd get him on the other case, and it's like that was what mattered. Like those two people who supported me through that whole thing, like that's what mattered. They believed in me. And so I actually, in so many ways, it didn't end up it does still bother me that we gotta not guilty, but it's not the not guilty that bothered me, it was that like the not believing, right? Like that that was the struggle, and so then what what I had a hard time and what I'm actually just seeing now, like talking, like in real time talking to you about this, is like that judge didn't believe me, but like I like the judge was not someone I would want to believe me. Like it sucks that he was the judge, but it's like the dude was kind of just he was just a jerk, and so it's kind of like you know, whose opinion are you gonna give weight to? And to me, it was so much more important that a man like the assistant, a district attorney was, and a man like my cop was, like it meant so much more to me that they believed me because they were just from my perspective, way higher quality people than that judge was, and that's okay. Like, I've heard other people that have gone through that judge, they're like, Yeah, he's just a jerk, and so even in my struggles, like I'm just remembering like you have to focus more on that than the judge, and for me, I have to focus more on this is part of my story, and the people that believed me that that like that's who's important, but then ultimately, even underneath that, like I have to believe in myself and I have to remember that this is just my story, and as long as I believe me, like nothing else matters. So, um, yeah, thank you for listening to that. Thank you for um uh listening to me and my struggle and being here for me in my struggle, and you know, if you're going through it too, just know you're not alone because uh yeah, here I am however many years, almost two decades past the case, and definitely two decades since that happened with my babysitter son, and I've done a ton of trauma work around it, and it's still a struggle. And again, I keep saying this, but it is the truth that sets us free, and that is what's true for me right now is it's still a struggle, and that's okay.