Chapter 9: After Thoughts

Welcome to Michaela Mae's Audiobook Experience for The Barn off of Colfax Lane: an unfiltered memoir about sexual assault and the mixed feelings that come with it. 

In this book Michaela tells her story of the childhood sexual abuse she experienced when she was 12-years-old while taking horse back riding lessons from a horse trainer in Oregon.

BOOK SUMMARY:

I was 12 years old the first time my horse trainer grabbed my left boob and asked me if I had ever had sex. I'm not sure what caught me off guard the most: his question or the fact a 79-year-old man had his hand firmly cusped around my boob while asking me, a 12-year-old, if I had ever had sex. I've blocked out a lot of that season from my mind, but that first day sticks out clearer than the rest. Is it because of the shock? Is it because I hadn't fully remembered my pro-dissociation skills yet?

I have no f*cking clue, but I do remember the green-striped tank top and the dark navy blue jeans I had on that day. I remember watching his lips ooze as the words, "Have you ever had sex?" spilled out of them. I remember the blank stare in his eyes, the black specks of chew stuck in his teeth, and the way his cheeks met his chin like a pillow shoved under fitted sheets.

My eyes left my left boob, flung around the barn, and up to his face. The light coming in from the barn door behind him lit his back, but darkened his face so his face looked as dark as the blank stare in his eyes. My brain raced for answers that made sense. Hell, it searched for a question that made sense too. "No, of course not. Wait, why is this happening? How do I answer? Do I answer? Am I dreaming?" I couldn't speak, so I looked up at him blankly then he turned and walked away.

LINKS + CONTACT:

Get on the Waitlist for my next book: https://thewesternhippie.myflodesk.com/mc5b9wv2ps

Grab a hard copy of The Barn Off of Colfax Lane here: https://amzn.to/3PvBiKN

For inquiries or to connect with Michaela directly, email michaela@michaelamae.com

© 2024 MP Media. All rights reserved.

Narrated by Author Michaela Mae.

Keywords: survivor memoir, childhood sexual abuse memoir, childhood sexual abuse, trauma memoir, healing memoir, horse trainer abuse, equestrian community, read by the author, audiobook, Oregon, Michaela Mae

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Chapter 9, Afterthoughts. One thing that stuck out to me while reading this whole book, but specifically in this chapter, is how young we all were. And it it still is something I I I wrestle with for sure because I don't know, it's it's why it's wild to me. It's really wild to me because what I didn't mention in this book that I do talk about more in the next book is my friend Alice, who I had called on that first day the incident happened. I ended up talking to her almost every day. And we were all just so young. Like whether it was me talking to Alice or even my cousin Shane, who seemed more of an adult because he was 16, and yet me now being 30, we were all just so young, and it was so much for us to carry. And yeah, it it's just c like it's just crazy thinking of, you know the those us being kind of the the three people in that situation in a really weird way, you know, me being in it, in it, but then my friend Alice was so much in it too because I talked to her every day and she was there for me every day. And also realizing like that was a really big burden for her to carry too. That was a huge burden for her to carry of being there for me, but then also I I believe a part of her and her and I haven't fully talked about this, and and we we probably should, but you know, her feeling the burden of, you know, if she tells her mom and goes against my wishes, will I stop being her friend? So she's carrying this burden, I'm carrying my burden, and then now, you know, looping my my cousin in on this, and now he's carrying that too. And and yet between the three of us, I did get out of there, which is just like amazing. You know, maybe we could call it a God thing. I don't even know what to call it, but the fact that the three of us all played a part and in a way both got me through that and then got me out of that is just I don't know that I have words to it to put to it, and I don't know that I ever will, but that's definitely something rereading that chapter, then also thinking about my friend Alice, like how much the three of us carried and how big of a deal that was for children, for kids that young. And it's just it's very interesting, and it's something I think about a lot that I didn't feel comfortable to going to any adults around me. And I do even to this day appreciate that they respected and honored my wishes of not going to an adult, which is just it's still wild. And obviously, as I've said in some of the afterthoughts, obviously adults eventually got involved because we ended up doing court cases and stuff like that, but it was just so much for three young people to carry, and yet we all made it to the other side, so that was just something that that stuck out to me rereading that, and it is it is very interesting. Again, I'm very fascinated by the brain, and even rereading that, I do find it very interesting that it was like the thing, and I I think what happened, you know, I don't I don't know for sure, but I think because typically most summers I wouldn't have a break. Like we wouldn't leave Central Oregon until that trip on the Snake River, but because of my one cousin, and yes, I have a lot of cousins. I realize that going through the books of how many cousins I do have, which my mom is from a family of six kids, and then my dad is from a family of six kids, and they had kids, so yes, I do have a lot of cousins, and so it was because I had so it was actually it was Shane's older sister that it was her 21st birthday, it was also her college like graduation party. Her mom, their mom had combined it into just one party to celebrate both things, and so it was because we were going to her, because it was a big event, so it was worth us coming to leaving Central Oregon and coming to the Valley for, but then it was also because her party, the Toby Heath concert, and then going to my other uncle's cabin with my other cousin Constance, who I mentioned in in the book, like all of those events happened within a week and a half. So typically, where I wouldn't have got that, I I in a typical summer, I would have still been with Todd in that same environment, in that same loop, up until we would have gone to the snake that year. And I I don't, and that's the thing about life and you know, bringing a spiritual perspective into this, whether you want to call it God, the force, nature, um, I'm trying to think of any other mystical movie that I love of what they call it, the universe, um being a part of it because that was started breaking my trance. Like I was out of Todd's loop and his environment and his his mind games long enough that going to that trip with the cousins' parties, meeting the cousin, going to the concert, like broke the trance enough. Like it started. It's like the the crack, like if if we look at it, it's like the crack started, the gap wasn't there yet, like it wasn't fully broken, but like the crack had started in the ground, if you will. And unfortunately, I I was a land before time person growing up, but I'm thinking about the earth shake when you know Littlefoot gets separated. It's like that crack had started, but the the earth hadn't fully separated yet. So the crack in my mind had started, the separation had started, but it wasn't fully, I wasn't fully out of Todd's trance. But we'll call it Todd's trance. But I I like a good um is is that an alliteration? I think it's an alliteration. I like a good alliteration when two, you know, words. Todd's trance, let's go with it. Um so I I felt like that was enough. And the thing that when I look at it, which I I didn't put in the book, I I believe it's in in the next book. I did talk about um he called me while I was at my cousin's birthday, that her birthday and celebration, and it bothered me. And it bothered me because again, it it started like I was really going with that dementia theory. Like I was really, I don't know why, but it that was just the thing that I kept telling myself, I guess, in order to make it okay. Like that was my my way of making me, you know, the mind was not in a the mind, my mind was not in a good place. So we're not gonna fully dissect that right now. But I was really hanging on to that dementia theory, and something about him calling me at that birthday party was enough to put a crack in that theory because it was like, I think what I was telling myself, if I go, if I really put myself back in my shoes, then it was like the dementia would happen, it would get triggered, like he had just lost his wife, and so maybe his wife and I had the same blonde hair, and when he'd see me, it like I had that whole story built up, and I didn't even go fully into depth of how much I had that story built up. I I might one day, but I had so many theories and so many stories that went into that story, and him calling me cracked that because I felt the manipulation behind it, and I I wouldn't have had words to put to it then, but it was I knew he was checking on me to see where I was at, like where to gauge me, if I had said anything, because I believe he had even asked me, like, have you talked, like I believe it was something like, have you talked to your cousins about anything? And I was like, No, why what like and because I'd been gone for a few days, it it it was enough to form that crack, like it, and I remember um I had like a pink slider phone, and I remember sliding my phone shot, and my mom was like, Who called you? And I was like, Todd did, and she said, Oh, it was it about, and I was like, I think I I said, Oh, because he did tell me about pepper, and I was like, Oh, he was just telling me how pepper was, which he did, that wasn't incorrect, but it that wasn't that absolutely was not the reason for the phone call, and I knew that, and so that was enough to like form the crack. So, even when I had gone back after that, and I think you know, I have loved, and and I think the Toby Keith concert played a part in it too, because I have loved Toby Keith since I was five years old. Like, I don't I've said this before, and I've always been curious as to why children are drawn to certain artists, and one of the things I think about with Toby Keith is uh humming is a way to like regulate our body and calm our body down, and Toby Keith hums a lot in his music, and so I really love Toby, but I also think on a little bit of a deeper level, I think his voice and his music music like always soothed me, but there's also like this strength in Toby Keith, and I think a little bit of being at that concert reminded me of a little bit of that strength in myself that maybe I'd forgotten. And all of those things again started to form that crack. And I think why the comment that Todd had made about the Toby Keith t-shirt, I think that's eventually what turned the crack into the earth shake where the earth in my brain separated, and now there was a gap and not just a crack, because it I could like no longer lie to myself. Like I had to start facing reality. And real like I had to start facing that my dementia theory, all it was was like a story I was telling myself to make myself feel like more comfortable and okay. And again, it it was like me seeing more of the full picture and not being able to rationalize that this was just dementia or this was just an accident. Because when we were riding, there it did always feel like again, like what I was saying of that unspoken contract of like there's riding time, and it it felt like it's like I know this is sounds so weird to say, and I've never said this out loud, and I've actually never put this into words, but it almost felt like him fondling me and kissing was like payment for my lessons in a way. It was like that was like my form of payment in a weird way, which is insane to think, but again, like can't make sense out of nonsense, and going through that was just a bunch of nonsense. So, of course, there was a bunch of nonsense going on in my brain. And because I was working like just from a perspective, like he owed me money. Um he owed me way more money than I would owe him. Like, I was doing enough work with all the horses he had in training, I was doing enough work that I would have been paying for like three or four lessons a day. And so, in reality, he owed me money, but from that perspective, it was like, oh, if this is my payment for like learning all of this stuff from you, then like I'll just suck it up, right? I'll just suck it up and deal with it. So I think even on a deeper level, under the dementia theory, that was going on that I didn't understand unconsciously, but even in that it was like, okay, there's a time for you to like get your payment for my lessons, aka the fondling, the kissing, the bullshit. And then there's lessons, and those are separate. And when he made that comment, I was like, You just broke the terms of agreement, buddy. Like, we like I'm done, we're done. And yeah, it was just very weird. And even talking about it right now, it's very weird and very odd, but that definitely like looking back through that perspective, like those were the things that were going on, and I really am so thankful that it worked out that summer that it was I was able to get that break, that crack was starting to form, and so then it was like by the time I had told my cousin about it, and he was able to like I I I'm a person that I need a list and I need an action plan, and so since because I don't think if I would have had that time, one I don't know that I would have ever said something to my cousin, and I definitely would have, I don't think I would have been in a place where I would have been willing to get out of it, and so having that it really did work out, I believe, the way it was meant to work out, because now, like, I had the courage, or maybe even not the courage, but I had the want to get out, and then my cousin helped me formulate a plan that was like viable, and then I was able to get out of there, which leads us to chapter 10.