Chapter 10: The Great Escape

Welcome to Michaela Mae's Audiobook Experience for The Barn off of Colfax Lane: an unfiltered memoir about sexual assault and the mixed feelings that come with it. 

In this book Michaela tells her story of the childhood sexual abuse she experienced when she was 12-years-old while taking horse back riding lessons from a horse trainer in Oregon.

BOOK SUMMARY:

I was 12 years old the first time my horse trainer grabbed my left boob and asked me if I had ever had sex. I'm not sure what caught me off guard the most: his question or the fact a 79-year-old man had his hand firmly cusped around my boob while asking me, a 12-year-old, if I had ever had sex. I've blocked out a lot of that season from my mind, but that first day sticks out clearer than the rest. Is it because of the shock? Is it because I hadn't fully remembered my pro-dissociation skills yet?

I have no f*cking clue, but I do remember the green-striped tank top and the dark navy blue jeans I had on that day. I remember watching his lips ooze as the words, "Have you ever had sex?" spilled out of them. I remember the blank stare in his eyes, the black specks of chew stuck in his teeth, and the way his cheeks met his chin like a pillow shoved under fitted sheets.

My eyes left my left boob, flung around the barn, and up to his face. The light coming in from the barn door behind him lit his back, but darkened his face so his face looked as dark as the blank stare in his eyes. My brain raced for answers that made sense. Hell, it searched for a question that made sense too. "No, of course not. Wait, why is this happening? How do I answer? Do I answer? Am I dreaming?" I couldn't speak, so I looked up at him blankly then he turned and walked away.

LINKS + CONTACT:

Get on the Waitlist for my next book: https://thewesternhippie.myflodesk.com/mc5b9wv2ps

Grab a hard copy of The Barn Off of Colfax Lane here: https://amzn.to/3PvBiKN

For inquiries or to connect with Michaela directly, email michaela@michaelamae.com

© 2024 MP Media. All rights reserved.

Narrated by Author Michaela Mae.

Keywords: survivor memoir, childhood sexual abuse memoir, childhood sexual abuse, trauma memoir, healing memoir, horse trainer abuse, equestrian community, read by the author, audiobook, Oregon, Michaela Mae

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Chapter ten The Great Escape twelve year old Michaela Leaving Dad's a week earlier worked out even better than I imagined. Since we had less time to finish up hayseason in the week we had left, we spent even more time in the fields than normal, which put me at the barn less than I had prepared myself for originally. I just have to get through today, and then tomorrow morning, Pepper, my sister, and I will be returning back to our moms in the valley. Todd tried to get my dad to leave Pepper at the barn with him. He told my dad that her training could go downhill, but my dad put the decision in my hands. It's kind of pointless having a horse I can't ride, isn't it? I asked him. And I won't be able to make it up here as much with volleyball starting, I continued. My dad agreed with me, finished paying off Pepper, and we were all set to head out of town tomorrow. A lot of little things start to bother me that I don't see coming. I'm worried about pulling Pepper out of this barn, but I keep reminding myself that she can't stay here regardless of what my worries say to me. I will figure out how to finish riding her properly, find something to ride her with since I've only ridden her in Todd's tack, and figure out what she needs to be safe at my house. I do think Todd overthinks her hurting herself in any place but a stall. She really doesn't seem that dumb to me. Some horses are only arena spark, but I'm convinced Pepper is straight well, field smart too. I get to the barn and start my last morning routine here. Per routine, I start saddling Pepper when I hear Todd's screen door squeak. He doesn't say a word to me during my lesson, and I don't say anything to him either. I go through the pattern, dismount, and return to the cross ties. I take all of Pepper's tack off and decide to give her a good grooming before we leave tomorrow. Grooming her will also take up more of my time until my dad gets here. So Todd can't invite me into his house. But I kind of doubt he would do that today, given the silence in the arena during my lesson. Come to think of it, I can't believe he's not back into the stall barn yet. The screen door squeaks again. Did he go back to his house? Hm, must have. I keep brushing Pepper's tail. A few moments later I hear Todd's subtle footsteps behind me. He walks up closer behind me than I am prepared for, I tense up and turns towards him and turn towards him. Your dad said your birthday is next month, and I wanted to give you this as a birthday present since you won't be here. Todd says, holding out the fanciest horse bit I have ever seen. I recognize the bit immediately. Todd has a trophy case in the entry of his house of all the prizes he's ever won showing horses, and that bit sat on the third shelf from the top. I stared at that trophy case every time I went into his house, and I dreamt of having a trophy case like that one day. I always wanted just one thing out of that case. I look up at him, then look back down at the bit. Thank you, but I can't take it. It's yours as a birthday gift, he insists, pushing the bit closer to my hands. No, it's yours, and I'm not taking it. Because we both know the part that he doesn't have the balls to say out loud. Keep quiet and this bit is all yours, Michael. I don't plan on breathing a word of anything that went on between us this summer, but even if I had plans to say something, I am certainly not taking his hush money. He keeps trying to give me the bit, and I don't take it, and I can't even look at him now. Eventually he gave up he gives up and walks away. I hold my breath the whole time I'm packing up my things at the barn. We packed all of our things from the house already, so all I have to do is finish here and we're gone. I give my dad and sister the last few things. Now all I have to do is grab pepper and load her into the trailer. Will she be sad to leave? Will she understand? Will she like it at my house in the valley? Crap, does she even know how to load in a trailer? I don't know, but I can't let the question slow me down now. I'm guessing she loads in the trailer, but I don't know if she's difficult to load or not. I'm sure my dad can help with that. I walk over to her stall and grab her halter and lead rope. Crap. This halter and lead rope aren't technically mine, they're Todd's. I hesitate, look at Pepper, then back down at the halter and lead rope in my hands. Todd hasn't come down to the barn yet this morning, and I can't risk see can't risk seeing him. If he gets upset about the halter and lead rope, I'll have to deal with it later. I promise myself that the first thing I'll do when I get back to the valley is go buy Pepper a prettier halter and a lead rope. I'll toss this set into the trash. I put the halter and lead rope on Pepper and walk her towards the trailer. My dad and sister have everything ready and are waiting for me to load Pepper in the trailer. I walk in and Pepper follows without hesitation. Easy peasy. I look into her eyes as I tie her inside of the trailer. Hell, I think she wants out of here too. We latch the trailer door and jump in the truck. Dad shifts the truck into drive, and we climb out of the steep driveway. When the truck and trailer reach the pavement, the truck accelerates along the asphalt, and I take a breath for the first time all morning. I look at the green grass out the window as I take a sigh of relief, but I can't bring myself to look into the mirror to get one last look at the barn off of Colfax Lane.