SPEAKER_04 0:00

Hello. I uh I'm calling about my grandson.

SPEAKER_03 0:05

Help me.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

He's a f Okay, what's the next one? The Jessica Custom show.

SPEAKER_01 0:17

I don't feel safe. Hi guys, so I decided to do some episodes by myself because I know a lot of you want to hear what I have to say. So my producer Zach and I decided to play some games. Um because I also I have crumbs. I have crumbs all over me because I just ate food really quick. Hold on. I thought I saw a big one. Are they in my teeth? So I um I decided to, I'm so full. Like I had a minute in between the podcasts, and I just slam food into my face. Because like I've said this so many times on stage, I don't chew. I f my face with food. Like it's literally aggressive and it's it, I guess it's kind of sexual. I said during COVID I should have started an OnlyFan where I slammed, because I think some men and women would be turned on by watching me just, you know, like you know, farting and burping and then vomit. There's literally people who would get turned on by that. Don't you agree?

SPEAKER_02 1:26

I couldn't agree more.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Yeah, definitely. Like, administration right now would love to see me do that. Um, I just I'm when I get up, I'm gonna get up like this because I don't want to waste any crumbs. Um, my pants are so tight, so I keep going like this. And it's like I can't breathe. I literally have not been able to breathe since I got here. Um, the second I get out of here and into the Uber, I'm gonna open my pants and finger myself because I'm so happy in my life. You know, that's what I do. I just, you know, when I do something creative, the second I leave, I just take my I unbutton my pants and I just finger myself and it's my way of celebrating life. I also haven't pooped in like three days. Did you poop today?

SPEAKER_02 2:16

Yes, I have.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

Oh, fuck you. Sorry. Yeah, I can't. I think I can't poop because I'm just eating carbs and they they bind you. Like you can't.

SPEAKER_02 2:25

I had food poisoning yesterday.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

You had food poisoning yesterday and you're here right now?

SPEAKER_02 2:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:30

Wow, what did you eat?

SPEAKER_02 2:32

I had halal uh next door to me.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

Halal. It's not halol.

SPEAKER_02 2:37

Halal.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

It's halal. Halal. And what did you eat? Let's talk about it because it can make you sick again.

SPEAKER_02 2:42

Lamb over rice.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Oh, you got sick from lamb. I had food poisoning uh like six months ago from uh cauliflower pizza with artichokes. And most people are like, I'll never eat that again. I had six yesterday, and I still haven't shit. From the same place? Yeah. My mom, I've told this as a joke on stage, but she says that I don't shit a lot because I have resentments. And you know what? I'm not willing to let them go. So I'm gonna have to have tight pants and feel very uncomfortable. I'm sorry. It's life is a lot, and a lot of you know that, you know. Are you you're not really depressed though, Zach, right?

SPEAKER_02 3:27

Uh no, I try not to be. I try to be as busy as possible so I can't really live in my own shell.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

Yeah, you're still okay. Yeah, trying to. I'm sorry, but I had so many nuts. Not I had not testicles, obviously. I had I just ate, they have this nut and caramel, like these logs. I just ate an entire, like you have no idea how much I just ate. How many of those nut logs I just ate.

SPEAKER_02 3:59

Some of it's still on your shirt.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Yeah. I know. Don't remind me because I'll obsess about wanting to eat the pieces.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

Sorry.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Let's play a game.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

Would love to.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

Yeah. Whatever you want to do first. Tell me what you have for me. I have no idea what he has planned. Well, you said there was some prank calls, which I would love to do. All right.

SPEAKER_02 4:17

Would you like to do? I have both Living Hope Ministries, which is a uh I don't even know what it is yet. What is it? It is a um gay conversion uh religious group for sons.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Is it not women?

SPEAKER_02 4:33

It is for yes, for sons specifically.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Okay. So my son is gay and I want him to be straight, which is what I would want if I have to.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

Through the power of God, yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:43

Yeah, yeah, of course. That's how it would they would not be gay.

unknown 4:46

Thank you for calling Living Home Ministries.

SPEAKER_06 4:49

Thank you for calling. Please leave a message, and your call will be returned as soon as possible.

SPEAKER_04 4:56

Hello! I uh I'm calling about my grandson. Um uh we we think he might be uh um uh queer or whatever they call it these days. Uh he um he keeps stealing my uh my heels. I have these wonderful pair of heels, and he keeps walking around with them and singing memories. That song memories like the corner of my asshole. Um speaking of that, um I'm sorry for using such bad language with the ministry. Um I uh I just don't want him to be uh help me He's a faggot.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

Okay, what's the next one?

SPEAKER_02 5:57

Alright, the next one is a pet boutique in Manhattan. It's a stylish boutique known for the upscale apparel, furniture, and accessories for cats and dogs, including pet cakes and more. And uh I thought it could be your dog's second birthday, which is when they turn twenty-one, and uh they're officially becoming an adult and embracing their sexuality. Maybe your dog is Polly or maybe into BDSM, something like that, and uh you're looking for some new costumes for the party. Okay.

unknown 6:27

Sumi solutions?

SPEAKER_04 6:29

Hello. Um, do you speak English?

SPEAKER_06 6:32

I speak English really well.

SPEAKER_04 6:34

Oh, I'm s can I help you? I'm sorry, because you said bonjour. So that's how I answer the phone. My business partner's French. Oh, that's wonderful. Um, so I have How can I help you? Um I have a cat who I adore who is turning two, and I'm looking for some apparel for my cat.

SPEAKER_06 6:56

Yeah, I don't sell clothing for What do you sell?

SPEAKER_04 6:59

Yes, what do you sell? I'm sorry, I cause I was confused. No, no problem at all.

SPEAKER_06 7:05

I'm all dogs and cats, but for cats we have colours and toys and treats, etc. Everything's on my website. Uh books and bags and toys, everything's for dogs.

unknown 7:21

Uh clothing open, green coats, and winter coats.

SPEAKER_04 7:25

Oh, that's everything's on my website. All right, I just have a question. Are you in a rush?

SPEAKER_06 7:30

Well, yes, I said it's seven.

SPEAKER_04 7:33

Oh no. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh worry, no, but what's your other question? I just wanted to know about the collars.

SPEAKER_06 7:46

Okay, they're mini nylon collars, and we make them in Canada and they run twenty-eight dollars.

SPEAKER_04 7:52

Oh, that's a good price. Great. If I got two, could I get two for thirty-eight?

SPEAKER_06 7:59

No, ma'am, I don't do bargains. I'm sorry. I'm an independent business.

SPEAKER_04 8:03

Oh, okay. Oh, I'm so I can't get four for nineteen.

SPEAKER_06 8:08

No, no, and I gotta go because I do have someone in waiting.

unknown 8:12

I I'll be with you in one minute.

SPEAKER_04 8:14

Uh, this is reminding me of my mother. Thank you.

unknown 8:17

All right, bye.

SPEAKER_04 8:18

Uh uh, pussy.

SPEAKER_01 8:22

Can you call a restaurant? Just like a diner.

SPEAKER_04 8:27

Hi, um my daddy asked me to get a pickup. Yeah, pickup.

SPEAKER_05 8:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 8:36

Um, do you have ice cream?

SPEAKER_03 8:41

Um you don't have strawberry?

SPEAKER_04 8:52

Are you a French fries?

SPEAKER_05 8:55

Yes, I'm fries.

SPEAKER_04 8:56

How many French fries come in a fried platter?

unknown 9:01

I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 9:03

Do you have um I like chicken fingers? Do you have chicken fingers? Oh hold on, please. Daddy! They have chicken fingers. I said none tonight, honey. He won't let me get them. Do you have lamb? Do you have lamb? Do you have veal?

SPEAKER_00 9:30

Veal.

SPEAKER_04 9:31

Do you have um a hamburger? What kind?

SPEAKER_05 9:38

Yes, hamburgers.

SPEAKER_04 9:40

You don't have anything on them like like frosting? What about seamen? Yeah. Yeah. Can I have um I want um forty-six French fries.

SPEAKER_03 10:00

Sorry?

SPEAKER_04 10:01

I want forty-six French fries.

SPEAKER_03 10:05

I don't have time to play.

SPEAKER_04 10:06

I'm not playing.

SPEAKER_02 10:10

Fucking asshole. Should we play something else? Yeah, let's play another game. Great. This is uh grinder responses. These are some grinder messages after first matching. And you create a response to send back. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:24

I'll pay $40 just to give you head. And that was their opening message. So how would you respond? How would I respond? Sure. I need to know what the person looks like. Right?

unknown 10:35

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

I mean, $40 doesn't even like hot dogs cost more than $40. It's a very big compliment when someone would want to pay you to give you head. But that's that's not like $40 is not a lot. To do the act to them, I feel like it's a win-win. That's true. Unless the guy has like this kind of mouth, like really Yeah. Or braces. Or br yeah, braces. Unless you're into SNM. People into SNM love braces. Yeah. Yeah. I was with someone years ago who was into SNM, so I put a mousetrap down there. Like it really turned her on to just like the second, like it just, and then um she would get off, you know. Oh, sup. Now that's hot when someone says sup. Just for anyone, if you're on an app, if you're looking to meet up with someone, hook up. When you say sup, that's really like that's like you're a fluffer. Like you're totally getting someone off before anything even starts. Um, look like going rough on a good sub. Want to see me take a nine-incher. Um first of all, there's nothing more I love than a nine-inch sub from Subway. I'd rather a 12-inch or an 86-inch, but I yeah. I think a good sub is great. And I, if I watched, um, I've been into gay porn. If I watched a gay guy take in a nine-inch sub, like lettuce going everywhere, and mayo, especially mayo all over their face, that is hot porn. That's really hot. And this is our guy. Oh my god. What's that hanging from his crotch? I think it's his penis. That is that is not a pen. Ew! What the is that a party hat? What the fuck is that? His literally his dick is the size of his legs. What the fuck is Okay, is do you think there's something in there? Like a yam?

SPEAKER_02 12:47

I just think he is vertically inclined. Um so it kind of proportions out down low.

SPEAKER_01 12:54

Right. So if he laid down, it would look like a Hershey's kiss. Exactly. Because that thing is alive. That thing is huge. Am I I does he have polka dot? Or is that cum stains? What is is that pea stains? Because I know you guys get those pea stains.

SPEAKER_02 13:13

I think it's, I don't know, hearts, uh like a heart sucker. A heart sucker? Like a like a lollipop, like a heart lollipop.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

Honestly, I'd rather be with a goat. This is a lot. Heart lollipops on a fucking yam. This is the best one. Hey, I can fit asparagus in my dick if you want to see. I mean, honestly, I want to see it. Yeah, it's impressive. I'm I'm I'm not even with men, and I want to see a man put asparagus in their dick. First of all, I get why you'd use asparagus because it makes your peace smell great. There's nothing that smells better than asparagus in your urine. Like, I would guzzle that shit. But I actually want to see this because I can fit um a cantaloupe in my pussy. Oh wow. Yeah, so I can beat out this asparagus and his dick thing. That's nothing. Yeah. I have a gourd in my asshole. Talk about like doing magic. That thing has a lot of bumps. It wasn't easy getting in, but it'll come right out the minute I let my resentments go. This world is ending.

SPEAKER_02 14:34

Let's do uh what's gayer. I have a lightning round of questions where you have to answer what's more gay. Okay. Okay. We're playing what's gayer. Owning a French bulldog or owning a Peloton? Owning a Peloton.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

I mean, I I'm sure gay men love French bulldogs, but you know, a lot of them focus on looking great. I don't. I gave up many years ago. I could give a fuck what I look like now. I'm done. I died inside many years ago, and I just am trying to barely put like put it together. I've stain I have crumbs that I'm eating off of my shirt and a shit stain.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

And a gourd up your ass? Yeah, I have a gourd up my ass. Uh what's more gay, uh Taylor Swift concert with your besties or having an abnormal amount of succulent plants?

SPEAKER_01 15:30

Taylor Swift concert with your besties. What kind of plants? Succulents. What is a succulent plant? Close to cacti. No, because like a uh a rich white guy would have those. But there's I just don't think like a lot of my straight guy friends are gonna bring a group to Taylor Swift. Is that what came out when you wrote succulent plant? Yes. Oh my god, I'm so hungry.

SPEAKER_02 15:57

I thought you were just full.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

No, I'm not. I I just got hungry. It happens immediately. I'm full, and then I get very hungry. I'm not eating a salad though. I don't care. Like I said, I don't care anymore. So there's no reason to eat vegetables.

SPEAKER_02 16:11

A pottery class or a wine tasting?

SPEAKER_01 16:14

I think a pottery class is more gay. I think more faggots would go to a pottery class than a wine tasting.

SPEAKER_02 16:21

Hands-on massaging.

SPEAKER_01 16:23

Yeah. Just like making a shape and like going like this. And you know, that's that's the gay thing.

SPEAKER_02 16:33

Shopping at a farmer's market or the bookstore?

SPEAKER_01 16:36

That's a tough one. It's interesting because when you say shopping at a farmer's market or a bookstore, I think of gay men going to try and find someone that they can plow or be plowed by. So because they want to be plowed, I'd say a farmer's market.

unknown 16:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

You know, you can kind of get oh like you can skirt away to like the side in a farmer's market. You can't do that in a bookstore. You can't lick balls in a bookstore. You can't go to Barnes and Noble and rinse someone's asshole. And you can do that in a farmer's market? Yeah, you're outside. You can walk away, go behind a tree, and just lick someone's asshole. My uncle did that once. And um, and he got he didn't get in trouble because it was a cop. He licked a cop's asshole. And the cop was like, Good job, not gonna arrest you. So my uncle gave me that advice many years ago. He said, if you ever think you're gonna get arrested, if you feel like, oh my god, you know, I might go to jail, just offer the cop to lick his asshole. Or her. Um and you know, it's better to have trauma and go to therapy about it than be in jail. Don't you agree? I couldn't agree more. Great.

SPEAKER_02 17:48

And my last one is uh having two cats or making a vision board.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

What's more gay? I don't think a lot of straight guys would have a vision board. I don't know if a lot of straight guys are.

SPEAKER_02 18:00

No. I have like a sheet with goals written on it. It's that close. So gay. It's pretty gay.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

You are so gay. Um I think a vision board is more gay. You know? A single man having two cats? Yeah. I mean, some men love pussies so much that they get two cats and they improvise. Uh-huh. You know? Uh-huh. No, I mean, you wouldn't have a cat?

SPEAKER_02 18:27

Not on my own, uh-uh.

SPEAKER_01 18:29

Really? It would have to be her choice. Oh. Like you wouldn't just come into a relationship with two cats. No. No, no, no. I'm not a cat guy. Would you come into a relationship with a ferret?

SPEAKER_02 18:42

Like I have a ferret as a single guy. Yeah. Um, Richard Greer style.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

Um, these gay guys that are hearing this are so turned on. Yes, so. Uh uh sure, I'll go into a relationship with a ferret. Really? Why not? I think people I'm not judging people who have ferrets. Yes, I am. I I don't really get it. Why people Well, are they cuddly? I have no idea. I would I would assume uh with a pet like that, I feel like if it were in bed with me, I would kill it. Like I would roll over on it and it would die, and then I'd have to deal with like getting rid of it. Where the fuck are you? You could just throw a ferret out the window. You don't have to like bury a ferret, right? I I can't. I don't think you can flush it down the toilet. I don't think that you should cook them because they don't have a lot of meat. What animal are you the most afraid of? Spider. Yeah. I don't love spiders, but I have a pro like I'm not okay if I see a mouse or a rat. Like I will go into a fetal position. You have to put me in a mental institution. I'd rather be holding raw meat in front of a tiger that hasn't eaten for eight days. Than a mouse or a rat. You're living in the wrong city. I know. Well, I I don't. Yeah. I I shoot them, you know. I got a gun only so I could shoot. I hope people turn on me like some mouse organization.

SPEAKER_02 20:01

I had I've had to uh get used to mice and rats because I've had to kill a few.

SPEAKER_01 20:07

I did the thought of that, I swear I would not be okay.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

How did you kill them?

SPEAKER_02 20:13

Different things. In my apartment, I had to use like my nine-iron golf club.

SPEAKER_01 20:18

What?

SPEAKER_02 20:19

Yeah, it was brutal. Brutal.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

Wait, did you like go like that? Oh.

SPEAKER_02 20:25

Or did you I went hammer. Hammer on it. Well, it was already in a glue trap, so I figured it was it couldn't be out of its own.

SPEAKER_01 20:33

Yeah, I hope someone does that to me. Like, I'm ready to go. I'm almost there. Just fucking slam me with a nine iron. Did it oh God. What was the other thing you did?

SPEAKER_02 20:46

One is at the um club that I work at, that um there was one in a trap, and so I put a garbage bag over it, and then I took two heavy water uh cases and dropped it onto the code. Are you okay? Oh, I'm full.

SPEAKER_01 21:02

Yeah, that's really it was all I had. I had to improvise. It's okay. You could have just sprayed it with something, right? You didn't have to like impale it with I figured the quicker the better. You're right.

SPEAKER_02 21:14

That's true. Because it was already squealing and I'm sorry. Yeah, I know. It's okay. Yeah. Should we play another game? Sure. Um All right. Who's the best gay bachelor? Which do you think is more appealing? A man who is a lifelong Disney adult who must go to Disney at least four times a year, or a man that must find a partner who looks exactly like him.

SPEAKER_01 21:38

Well, it a lot of gay men get into a relationship with someone that looks like them. Um The Disney thing concerns me a little. Yeah. They have to go four times a year.

SPEAKER_02 21:52

It is what they do with their friends and family. It they have to go four times a year. And what if they don't? They'll become straight? They have to go one more time the next year.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

I mean the best gay bachelor would be someone who has to find someone that's looks exactly like them. And then just everyone on the show looks like them. They call that a double doppelganger? A doppelganger? What is it? Doppelganger? Doppelganger?

unknown 22:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

Don't they call that? Suck my dick. Doppelganger. Um, yeah. It's common. It's not always the case, but it's common. Like I look I'll look at a gay couple in the audience and I'll be like, oh, are you guys twins? And they're like, no, we plow each other. You know.

SPEAKER_02 22:31

It's kind of incestual when you really think about it, no?

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to think about that though. Sure. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

All right. Who's a better gay bachelor? A man who was a child star but now has been employ unemployed for five years, saying he's waiting for the right script? Or a man who volunteers at the animal shelter weekly because he loves the smell.

SPEAKER_01 22:51

I think a man who volunteers at the animal shelter because he loves the smell. Because gay men, like there's a lot going on. You know, like they don't go down there and be like, oh, I love the smell of sage, you know. It's um it's a garbage dump, to be honest with you, a lot of the time. I'll speak for myself. It's not as bad as it's not like um like a garbage dump. You know, it's kind of like if you left um a ham sandwich in the fridge for three years and smelled it. That's basically it's not bad.

SPEAKER_02 23:28

Uh one more. A man who brags about different j objects he likes sticking inside of him, or a man that brags about this being his first gay relationship, who's a better bachelor?

SPEAKER_01 23:41

I think a guy who brags about this being his first gay relationship, because every gay man has had every house appliance, like everything inside of them. So it's like if someone's like, Oh yeah, I've had a ladle inside of me, I've had a toaster inside of me, it's like me too, Dick. We've all had these things inside of us a lawnmower, a Honda Civic. I mean, it's not like your special, you know, a marching band. So is Tom, so is Bill, so is Chris. We've all had a marching band in our ass. You know, listen, I can fart and make a sound. You know, it's like horn. Who cares? Yeah, I think it's um it being their first gay relationship. I get these letters. Thank you uh for doing that, Zach. Zach's amazing. He really uh do you have a girlfriend? I do not. Oh, he's so cute. Yeah, you got you gotta you'll see. Yeah, I'm gonna have him walk around naked. Great. Yeah. Um, so I got a dear Jessica letter. Let me read it. This is really a fan from a fan. Here we go. Dear Jessica, I just fucked my face. Wow, that's so interesting. I just said that. I just fucked my face with an entire box of taco shells. I'm unsure if this constitutes a problem, but when I'm stoned, because all I can do is eat, eat, eat, I will eat the fucking drywall. I under I've eaten a wall. Yeah. Um, should I lock myself away? Should I send myself to corrective school? P.S. I sucked a dick for almost 45 hours the other day, so I'm really hitting all the bases, Chris. There's so much to this beautiful, sensitive, loving message. And I just want to say I'm so grateful you're a fan, and I appreciate your support. Do you have any any advice for helping? Well, first of all, I get the thing of fucking your face with taco shells. People that are huge fans know this. Um, and taco shells is a lot. It's kind of like uh you're hurting yourself because you cut the inside of I get it because I I fucked my face 46 times last week with Tostitos. Um and you you're you cut you dangling skin the whole thing. Um, it is a problem. Uh, but of course, when you're stoned, all you can do is eat, eat, eat. And I get eating a drywall. Um uh yeah. Should I lock myself away? I mean, don't you lock yourself away a little bit anyway? You're eating, you're like fucking slamming chips down your face. Um, don't send yourself to corrective school. You are beautiful just the way you are. Um I'm sure you're heavy. I mean, there's no way someone would write these things to me if you don't have a weight problem. And I say, fuck your face with everything you see, because we're all gonna die soon. Um, it says, uh, I sucked a dick for almost 45 minutes the other day. I mean, it were you doing a good job? That's a long, isn't that a long time to suck a dick? I mean, was the person alive? Like what isn't it like a quicker kind of thing? I don't know. Um Chris, I love you. And again, I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. Um, I wish her all the best. I'll pray for you and your family. And um, loss can be very hard. And I'm here for you. Um, just keep praying to the Lord. Uh He will help you. Okay, here we go. One more. Uh dear Jessica, I'm a 32 year old woman from Sweden, and I would really need your advice about something. Okay, I can queeef on command. This is this is so heartwarming. I just I really love my fans because you guys talk about emotional things and you're so honest. And I'm really like, I'm gonna tear up. Um, I can queeef on command as many times as I want with different intensities. I can even blow bubbles. They you can blow bubbles queeefing. I gotta get you to come over when my kids are there tomorrow. My kids love bubbles. They would, and I bet it's a big bubble. Like a queef bubble, like a quibble. Would be of course I did. Um the thing is, I always thought it was a cool thing. I felt very proud of it. My boyfriend thinks it's disgusting. Fuck him. It's a gift and doesn't match my vagina vaginal control excitement energy. Get rid of him. If a man is not gonna support your queee ability, your gift from God. God gave you this gift. Most people cannot blow a bubble while they're queefing. This is if he doesn't appreciate this, get rid of him. Um, so I'm ashamed that I have the power now and I don't do it for fun anymore. This is very upsetting. What do you think about this? Should I keep doing it and be proud of it, or should I stop with the Pussy Circus activity Svia? I can't even believe that you're questioning if you should be proud or not. Like, I have to tell you something. I have four daughters, and I am praying that they can queef like this. I mean, I'm not kidding. Most mothers want their kids to be like, meet the right guy, get a great job, you know, be healthy. All I want for my four daughters is for them to be the biggest queefers in the world. Queef power! Queef power! Do not hold it in. Let it out, sister. Ceeef every and queeef around him constantly just to piss him off. I say be passive aggressive. I I cannot believe this guy is not supporting you queefing. That's disgusting. And it's he must be narcissist. That is horrible. Honestly, I say do it, do it around his family, do it in couples therapy, do it at a funeral for one of his family members. Ceeeef as much as you can and let us know how it's going. I really, really support you, Sven. That was great.

unknown 30:08

That's scary.

SPEAKER_01 30:09

Please help me.