Still Grinding w/ Sarah Tollemache & Katie Hannigan

Jessica is joined by longtime friends and hilarious comedians, Sarah Tollemache and Katie Hannigan, for a wild conversation about persistence, bad decisions, and the strange paths people take in pursuit of success. The ladies swap stories about grinding in all the wrong places, a rare dog that made a dramatic escape, Stephen Hawking somehow cruising around the island, and plenty of other absurd tangents along the way.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Grind, grind your way to the top, and you're like, but I'm just grinding. I'm in a grinding plateau.

SPEAKER_01 0:05

For years I've been grinding and Any Day work is coming. On today's podcast, I have two incredible comedians and friends. They are so funny. Sarah Tolmash is on, who is an incredible comedian. She is a very good friend of mine. She is so funny. Katie Hannigan is also on. She's brilliant. Okay? I've laughed so hard at her. She's brilliant. They both are. I can't wait for you to hear them now. Check out my dates at jessicacon.com. It has all my dates listed. Come see me. It'll be so much fun. I'll see you at a show.

SPEAKER_02 0:43

The Jessica Curson show. I don't feel seen. I just had a little jaunt and I was like getting that like outdoor smell.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

So I didn't cover it up with gas station perfume. Do you have this is antibacterial though.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Yeah. No wonder why it smelled like fuel.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Yeah, it's got a tang to it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

I I'm so happy to have you guys here. Yeah, Katie Hannigan and Sarah Tolomosh. Is that how you say your name? Yeah, I think so. Tolomosh? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:12

Tolamosh, no. Honestly, I don't know. Because my dad had an ac you know, has a South African accent, so the way he said it always felt different than I don't know. Is he a racist? Probably. He's dead now. Oh.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

So not anymore.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

I know my there is color in heaven. You can see color in heaven. Do you ever feel like he's around you? Because I do every time I look in a mirror.

SPEAKER_04 1:37

Maybe through maybe like through photos, but not now. Yeah. I wish he was. I wish I got that feeling.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Really? But I yeah. Were you very close with him? I was. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:46

Yeah. But then you do therapy and then you're like, there's some things we probably could have worked on. I know that's the thing with the couple of things. You don't realize. Yeah. It kicks up dirt, and you're like, oh, I was actually pretty happy with rose-colored glasses. Glasses, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

I love you guys so much. We love you. You're the best. Thank you. I don't even know if you know like what I'm doing here, but I'm only having women on the podcast. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, and female, mostly female comics, because we're just, you know, bantering and it's so great and it's fun. And no one talks over you.

unknown 2:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

And here's something I read.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Do you know that his note from the last taping was just be careful with people talking over each other because it was like right? Yeah. Yeah. I do hard.

SPEAKER_04 2:32

I think I do a little barreling through something. I do too. And I don't know why I do it, and I can sense when I'm starting to do it. Yeah. Hi, this is Sarah.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

Hello. How's it going? But Sarah's a doctor and a trauma therapist with the best sense of humor. Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

I'm like, can you diagnose me?

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Can you guess our traumas? That's a fun game show. That is. She could actually. I'm so glad that you guys are on. And how's everything been going?

SPEAKER_02 2:59

I'm doing good. I'm actually I'm getting ready to turn 40, which is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

I'm 68.

SPEAKER_02 3:05

I'm getting ready. You look amazing. You look amazing. People love to say that to you.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

I know. Right. No, I don't. I don't. My hair's a mess. I have wrinkles. My neck is hanging down. I mean.

SPEAKER_02 3:15

I know. I'm like you should see inside. I'm spiraling every moment.

SPEAKER_04 3:19

We talked about this, Katie's. What did you chat GBT recently?

SPEAKER_02 3:23

Oh, I got an app to scan my face for the AI to tell me what's wrong with me. That's amazing. I actually got two because I was like, let me just cover the basis. Just physically. Just physically. I don't care about emotionally. I mean, I only care about what you're good there. It said I look great. So I don't trust it. I don't think it's working that well. Right. It was like eight out of it was like 8.4 out of 10.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

What's the 1.6 that isn't good?

SPEAKER_02 3:50

Yeah. It said it said like there's it's just little issues with symmetry. Like I have my face, my face is not symmetrical. So that's a big one, actually. That was pretty much.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

But it's only 1.6.

SPEAKER_02 4:04

Yeah, that's a good thing. It's only 1.6. I mean, I'm like, I should be turning heads, and I'm not. Which is why I'm concerned. I want to be for the male gays.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

But you're but you're married, so I am, and I love being married.

SPEAKER_02 4:15

I love my husband.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

He's so cute. Oh my God. It's new though, right? Well, you've been with him for years.

SPEAKER_02 4:20

We've been together almost eight years. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

He's a comedian.

SPEAKER_02 4:23

He's a comedian.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Yes, of course, yeah. It's Kevin Harwood on the road.

SPEAKER_02 4:29

Yeah. Well, that's one reason I think it's good because he's never home. So I'm like, I love him. Well, but that's why you guys are getting along. Yeah, I never see him. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

Yeah, he's doing a lot of road work. Yeah. But how are you doing? I'm doing great. You are such a liar.

SPEAKER_04 4:45

I know you. I always feel like I'm doing great. And then I tell my therapist that, and then I still cry in the office. And then I it's always like, I haven't had one session where I haven't cried. Really? Yes. In like how long? Five years? But we always talk about the same stuff to the point where I just feel like now I'm just gossiping about my mom and my sister. But I love you, had you had you had to take your son to therapy. I took took my son to therapy. Not that we have anything to work on because he's two and a half, but I do did know going in we would not get any work done. Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

What did he do when you were when I brought him in?

SPEAKER_04 5:24

Um, my son kept telling our therapist what time it was, but he would be like, it's going to be 11, and then it's going to be 12. But I think it's eight. And we I just let him do that the whole time because I really didn't feel like talking about anything. I hate cookies.

SPEAKER_01 5:42

Was your therapist like about your son? Like he has a hard time with commitment.

SPEAKER_04 5:45

Like, did she analyze your son?

SPEAKER_01 5:48

It seems like you want a cookie. Yes, I want a cookie. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 5:52

I just actually want validation non-stop.

SPEAKER_01 5:55

Like someone to tell you you're allowed to have the feelings.

SPEAKER_04 5:58

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's what I think that's why I refresh my apps over and over and over. That's why I do stand-up.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

I'm just like, is anyone validating? Yeah. But I always say it never fills the hole. Never get a standing of it. I'm like, sit down. You're not gonna do nothing for me. I'm good for about 10 minutes.

SPEAKER_02 6:17

And then on the way back home, it hits me. I know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

People don't know that. We all get depressed after the show.

SPEAKER_04 6:23

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I remember thinking that I would feel happy after doing late night. Yep. Being like, there. And then immediately after. No, well, one of the late nights. Yeah. I think it was Colbert. And I remember being bummed that there was no feeling of happiness afterwards.

SPEAKER_02 6:43

Same. You think you're gonna you're gonna be like, I'm on top of the world, and you're like, I feel like shit still. Like, what I'm gonna do.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Well, I actually think you feel worse sometimes because it's such a high, and then we get down to such a low.

SPEAKER_04 6:52

Well, you feel like your career was gonna change after that. And then I I call it the walk of shame when you have to go to your day job the next day after you do a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 7:01

People don't realize what happens to us. I I did something, I don't know what it was the tonight show, and like that weekend I I had like gigs in a disgusting comedy club. And I'm like, nothing's gonna change. Yeah. We were just talking about this when they came in. I when I did my Hulu special, I literally was like, This is it. Here we go.

SPEAKER_02 7:24

And they celebrated it so much, it was like a big thing. And then, you know, I was seeing all that the pizzazz surrounding it. I was like, oh, this is exciting. I know. And when you do a special and you put your work together like that, you really feel like, oh, this is a milestone. And then for no one to see it, that's devastating.

SPEAKER_04 7:42

Devastating. It's really and I sometimes think about like Nikki Laser's career. Like, we've seen her work work really hard over the last 20 years. And she's probably done a million roasts, and then she does the Tom Brady one, and that's the one that you're like, it's so funny. Like, you can't you there's no definitive, there's not a moment that you can actually grasp that's going to propel you. I know, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

Which is really crazy. Like, what a crazy career to be in. Like sometimes it's just a video.

SPEAKER_04 8:11

Absolutely. Or I think about Bill Burr flipping out in Philly is one that got him a lot of attention. Where you're like, Can you imagine thinking that a bomb was going to make you when you're screaming at an audience for 35 minutes?

SPEAKER_02 8:25

Yeah. I should do that more. Right. I should stop doing jokes.

SPEAKER_04 8:28

And then you feel like, okay, maybe I should be doing more of that. And then you do it, and everyone's like, what a difficult woman to work.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

They burn you at the stake.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

They always say that about female performers, like, we're difficult, we're bitches. I was just telling someone this yesterday, we're hard to work with.

SPEAKER_02 8:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

It's it's unbelievable.

SPEAKER_02 8:47

Well, and then when you're too nice, then that sets up a whole other range of problems where it's like, well, now I can fuck her. So willing to sleep my way to the top. I've been asking, no, take care of it.

SPEAKER_04 9:02

Exactly, because then you're like, I don't know who to sleep with to get to the top. That's part of my husband.

SPEAKER_02 9:08

No, it's not working.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

Because he meets he can't, like, yeah. Do you guys ever go on the road together?

SPEAKER_02 9:12

We do, and we have the best time. We love it. We do a thing where I do my jokes about him, he does his jokes about me, and then I come up at the end, he's like, I'm gonna have my wife come up. She's in the she's here, weird, and then I come up and it really helps us sell the merch. Yeah, it's a big real deal.

SPEAKER_03 9:28

Smart. Yeah. Most people won't put it together.

SPEAKER_02 9:30

They don't, which is is funny because I'm like, my Italian husband. You know, I'm doing all the Italian, like, he hits me, you know.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

That's hilarious. That must kill.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

It's fun. It's really fun.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

Does he hit you more if it doesn't get laughs?

SPEAKER_02 9:44

He hits me if it does, because he's jealous. Yeah, competitive. I'm like, he's better, he's better. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Well, you have to do that. To keep yourself down so they get it. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

I don't want to make more money than him.

SPEAKER_01 9:55

Oh, yeah. Oh my god. Well, he's Italian. Yeah, no, no, no, no. He'll fuck someone else. Yeah, oh immediately. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and you guys go on the road. Sarah is also married to a comedian.

SPEAKER_04 10:07

A comedian. Um, we haven't, we don't go as much, but we did for a long time. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

I don't remember.

SPEAKER_04 10:14

And then I'm always like, when how I remember Bonnie telling me, do not go on the road that long with your husband. But you're married to a comic also. Yeah, but I'm like, yeah, but I I need money and no one's asking. I'm not, I can't headline. I've tried to headline a few times and I'm like, I break even.

unknown 10:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:32

It's like $1,500. It's seven people on the show that don't know who you are. This is I had a woman trauma dump at my Go Banana show in Ohio. I can't.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

She has the best stories. Yes. Please tell because a lot of you don't know about stand-up, okay? And you hear it from we're talking about the real struggles of stand-up, especially as female comedians.

SPEAKER_04 10:59

Right. Well, I also think everyone thinks it's all success. I find that stand-up is more failure than winning moment.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

Funny, actually. It is really funny. I guess I'm sleeping on the floor. One time I was sleeping on someone's floor and I found like under their couch like an unopened like little bag of animal crackers, and I was just, I'm just eating it at night on a bare floor. And you were like to do a comedy five. Yeah. And you're like, you were to put it in.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Like that should be more fancy.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

Women in comedy festival. I'm like, of course.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

I'm loving those. Yeah, no one goes to the shows. We're all like changing and fucking crying.

SPEAKER_04 11:38

Right. Yeah. Yeah. No, there, I remember um, I actually think I texted you one night or we were in a text exchange while I was sleeping on an air mattress in a railway apartment in New Orleans, and it was the guy who was like, My roommate will be there. I won't be there. And I never left the room, but I could hear saving private rind being played at full volume. Like, is this a threat? And then I remember being like, I am so long into my career. Right.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

You've done a ton of TV at that point.

SPEAKER_04 12:11

And I'm this is what I've put my like, I mean, I don't think Julio Torres ever did this. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:18

You get the message just like grind, grind your way to the top, and you're like, but I'm just grinding. I've I'm I'm in a grinding plateau.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

For years I've been grinding and there's no yeah.

SPEAKER_04 12:28

Yeah, and then you see you have friends that are like four years in and their trajectory has been nothing but green lights, and you're like, here, I'm just putting you know, doing the grunt work.

SPEAKER_02 12:39

Yeah, yeah. You're like just paying my dues. They're like, bye.

SPEAKER_04 12:42

And you've been doing it 20 years. Yeah. And it's and not even, I don't even, I'm not even bitter anymore. Yeah. There I have moments I think I find that I'm okay with myself, and then then there's one thing I will flip on Instagram, and then you'll be like, I'm so surprised. This is what threw me over the edge. Yeah. That happens to me too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

Really? Yeah. I'm just like, oh my god, I've been doing this 27 fucking years. Yeah. Working like you guys have. And it's like someone just has an image and a whole thing, and they're they get right. I also say they're they're schmoozers. If you're I'm not a schmoozer. No, I don't really know. But I can't kiss a ass. I'm not, I'm not great at that.

SPEAKER_04 13:25

No, it's I think it's actually that part's I'm with you on that one. And I always remember the Steve Martin quote of like, be so good that you're undeniable. But I always want to put in parentheses, be so good at networking. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:40

Because that plays a huge part in like you have to make FaceTime and you have to. I always think I have the worst resting face.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

Yeah, you do have a like, not the worst, but it's very real. It can you see it? Yeah, that's that's not good.

SPEAKER_04 13:59

No.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

That's that's I'm not okay.

SPEAKER_04 14:02

No, and it and in my mind I'm just relaxed. I'm in a good I don't think I'm in a bad place, but I feel like it's it's held me back. Yeah. And that's what I talked to my therapist while my two-year-old was uh walking around was like, should I get uh plastic surgery to use the smile?

SPEAKER_01 14:23

Yes. Yeah, just put corners on my face and I cannot. Yeah, my resting face is this. Just riddled with anxiety. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 14:33

That's tough.

SPEAKER_04 14:35

It really is. So I'm working on it. This is my new resting face. Can we see your new one?

SPEAKER_02 14:42

It just looks like the movie smile. It's an I'm trying to keep it active.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

You look like you need to be put in a mentoring situation. Look, this is what you just did. Is this better? Well, you can't go like this because that's like this.

SPEAKER_03 15:06

Can you imagine just being in the green room? You're just sitting quietly staring. Yeah, everyone like this. Any day work is coming.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

What's your resting face? It's relatively positive.

SPEAKER_02 15:22

I don't yeah. I mean, I think I know that I kind of like it's not it's not flattering because I sit with my I have my mouth open, I just leave my mouth hanging. I think that's good. And then I get like if I'm watching stand up, people have commented that uh like I have like the 11s where it's like I'm trying to take it in.

SPEAKER_01 15:42

Like Oh, you're one of those. Right. My partner Sarah does that. Yeah. Yeah. She's in the room. You can just say hi. You can yell out hi. Oh, you the mic's there, Sarah. Sarah is a therapist. Uh, shocking. Um, but she I didn't expect to say that, you know, right now that you were here.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

You'll be practicing material before the show, and she's staring at me with that very concerned face. Like, can you laugh?

SPEAKER_01 16:09

You're like, I'm taking it in. Right before the show, I'm literally like, will you listen to this joke? And she's like, Yeah. And then I'm like, uh, so I'm doing a joke about my mother, and she's like, This.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

Yeah, that's hard.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

That's hard. Yeah, I'm like, I need to know if this is funny or not. But are you what's going on with you when that happens? Because it's nothing me. I think you're just trying to like really doing my therapist thing.

SPEAKER_00 16:36

I'm really listening. Oh, you're doing the intent listening. That's what I'm doing. I'm doing like active listening. Okay. As I've been trained.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

Yeah, but why is your mouth open? No, I'm joking. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:48

So should it be like this?

SPEAKER_02 16:52

When people are talking to you, like I also do a thing that's really annoying where I do like too active of listening, where I'm like, uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I do that too. I'm going off in my mind, but I'm trying to stay tethered. Right. And meanwhile, I'm like, I I think I left the oven on. I'm scared. I'm scared. Yeah. I'm just like, yeah. Oh my God. That's so crazy. Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 17:12

They're like, my dad just died. And they're like, Oh my god, that's every weekend. I'm like, it's great. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:16

Weekends are tough.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

I'm also lactose intelligence. Yeah, it's really it's hard to be on and be present. And but uh, do you have you think about your ovens? Because I do too. I have that's what I have OCD with my burners.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

The oven, because I also have a thing where it's like, I think I have a keen sense of smell, or I don't know, but like I always think I'm smelling gas, or but it's like, I'm not like, oh my god, I smell gas. I'm like, could I smell gas right now? Then I'm gaslighting myself into thinking that I've smelled gas. Yes. And then it's like, well, either I call 911, I look like a fool, or my house explodes. Like those that's where it goes quick. Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

I would just call 911 and look like a fool because we look like fools every night on stage and in this career.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

Okay, it's me again. Just come over, just check.

SPEAKER_04 18:01

Yeah, I like the Torino joke. It's a good way to meet people to call. Anyone want to come to my special taping?

SPEAKER_01 18:09

Anyone want to represent me?

SPEAKER_02 18:11

Yeah. Yeah. Are you guys looking to shift careers? By the way, can I can I promote my special taping just quickly? I just want to do it because it's early in the show, but I am taping a special. I don't know when this is coming out, but it's May 29th at the Bell House in Brooklyn. Oh, that's a good venue. It's a great venue, and I'm really excited. I have like a actual production company on, and it's not gonna be like a man in the back with a phone pointing it at me. Right. Yeah with an A-track. Yeah. So please come if you can. Yes, go support.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

We need support.

SPEAKER_02 18:43

Tickets are at thebellhouse.com, Katie Hannigan special taping.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

And you've probably been working on this material like hard for a year.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

I have, and I think it's so good and so funny and feminist and smart and not to like jerk myself off, but it's like, you know, when you work on stuff and you're like, okay, it's working, it's working. You throw out so much stuff.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Yeah, no, it's really we work very hard. Well, some people don't work hard on it all and become millionaires, but we we work very hard on stuff. And please go to her show and support this because it's really if just one person comes from this, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:14

Fly from Taiwan, it's great for women, gay men, straight men, actually, fine. Yeah, you know, learn a little feel safe there as well, I promise.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

So they'll become gay after the show. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:24

You will become very gay after seeing me.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Yeah, no, I love that. We need to support each other. I I keep saying male comics have these podcasts and all this networking. That's why I'm one of the reasons why I'm doing this, is because we need to help each other. Right.

SPEAKER_02 19:37

Absolutely. Well, we had Lady Journey, which was our podcast that we ran for four years, and it was like we we had fans, but it was like we just could never get to that stratosphere of exposure.

SPEAKER_04 19:48

Yeah, we were just getting like uh runoffs from Tuesdays with stories, thinking they were gonna hear stuff about Mark Norman.

SPEAKER_02 19:57

He was asking personal questions about Mark Norman. We're like um How big is Mark's day? Yeah, yeah, we're like, this is a podcast about crocheting and like hobbies. It was like a kind of cookie. We're into like fashion.

SPEAKER_01 20:12

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I now think about if huge female podcasters helped you. Right? I I mean that's what the guys do. Yeah. They're full multimillionaires because they help each other. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think this is gonna be big.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

I this is gonna be big. Cancel. Yeah, oh we were just we didn't made a suicide pack last night. We did. Whoa, well, that's the in August. What if we're gonna kill each other? Social media following of at least a hundred thousand per person, which feels like that's what you need to be treated like a human in the business now. As a comedian, yeah. Yeah, we're just gonna both kill each other. How would you kill each other? I was thinking, yeah, I'll play more the merrier. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:51

Bridge is scary.

SPEAKER_02 20:52

A bridge is scary, and then you might turn back.

SPEAKER_04 20:55

Yeah. Or I'm like, on the way down, there's enough time to be like. Or one of us survives. Or like, yeah, I'm gonna have to bring a gun on the way down.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

Yeah, you have to bring a gun on the way yourself while you're jumping.

SPEAKER_02 21:09

That's great. I know I I've been on the Brooklyn Bridge where it's been like too windy. I'm like, I won't read. If it gets too windy on the way, I'm like, no, no, no, I can't.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

Well, wait, you're worried about the wind when you're trying to kill yourself. My ear hurts my ear.

SPEAKER_02 21:22

Like, I'll never make it out to the middle of the bridge.

SPEAKER_01 21:26

Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

SPEAKER_04 21:28

Yeah, I can't. But we should really plan this because if we're if if you kill yourself on the bridge, people are first they think you're a missing persons for a week. Oh, you know what I mean? That's tough. It takes a while that we need people to need anyone now. No, they can't find anybody. Yeah. So we need something definitive. Yeah. And we need to that's we need to put this on social media being like if we don't reach a hundred thousand so people know that it's coming out.

SPEAKER_02 21:55

Things are happening. Big things are happening. It's actually the biggest thing.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

Yeah, I mean, would you hold hands if you jumped off? We don't do that. We're not like a hold hands kind of friends.

SPEAKER_04 22:07

Dom and Louise. Yeah. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:09

We probably like wave to each other for like, oh, oh. Bye, girl. We did it.

SPEAKER_04 22:17

Maybe Jack Knife in like a yeah. But you know what? I like the idea of doing a social media post with like a gun and a noose and be like, really big things are happening.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

I know.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

Do you ever see those amazing? Only comedians would talk like this. It's so dark. If you're gonna get sensitive this with this podcast, you can't get out of here. Get out, don't watch. I'm so annoyed with that. It's so dark.

SPEAKER_02 22:46

I know I'm I'm it's a trigger warning or spoiler alerts, which is that's our next sketch.

SPEAKER_04 22:51

Yes, you should put a post out with just, I think, a gun, a noose, uh a notepad with thing, because there's like I remember there was a booker that always be like, Really big things are happening, but I knew that she knew how to play it up. Yes, yeah. And you're like, what is the big thing? Yeah, they would never tell you what the big thing is happening.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Oh, they're all like, you know, I'm your biggest fan, you're amazing, you're a star, there's no one funnier than you. And I'm like, then why am I performing at the rectal hut next to you? Get me a fucking gig.

SPEAKER_02 23:20

The rectal hut. It's for the people who are recovering from the colonoscopy. Everyone has analysis.

SPEAKER_01 23:27

Hi. Hi everyone. It's so good to be here at the rectal hut. I just want to say my ass is killing me. Oh my god. Yeah, it's really I love how dark you get.

SPEAKER_04 23:41

Oh I think there's no other way, like, I don't understand these people that don't like dark humor.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

Right. Well, I don't, I I don't, it's very sad to me. I have to tell you. Not I I just think some people are so upset and just don't laugh a lot and just get so sensitive. Yeah. And I'm like, if if a word is gonna upset you so much, you need help. Like that's the world, the world ending.

SPEAKER_04 24:05

Like you're upset about a sentence or a word or you can't find the humor in the darkness or the ridiculousness of the darkness. Yeah. Because I think it feels like a drug to me to have that big of a range. Yeah, that makes sense. To laugh in a moment of complete sadness is I think one of the best feelings ever. Absolutely. I mean, it's a quote in Steel Magnolias. Oh, something like laughter through tears is the best medicine. Ugh, that's so annoying.

SPEAKER_02 24:35

Um I've had the experience of like having something horrific happen to me and then telling a friend, and your friend is laughing, and you're like, oh my god, that was funny, actually. It was great. And then just really makes you feel so much better. Like, that was absolutely ridiculous. And thank God it's not happening now. Right.

SPEAKER_04 24:53

Like I remember when my dad died, I went for a run shortly after, and then I was telling my friend that uh when I was finishing my run, and I didn't even see this coming from her. I saw the this guy that was like so hot just stretching in the park, and she's like, Do you think your dad sent him down for you as a gift to say hello? Just like mo like a day after it happening, it was like, Oh, I appreciate everything. I think that my dad sent a hot 18-year-old high school kid down, like, hear kiddo.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

Yeah, jerk off to the laughed so hard during my dad's like the whole thing. Yeah, it was during COVID, so we did a Zoom shiver. Yeah. I talked about this before all these old people in the boxes like, I can't hear get off a toilet, Henry. The rabbi's talking. You know, it was like all this stuff going on. Oh, yes. We died laughing, my family.

SPEAKER_04 25:55

And you need that, you need the break in the heaviness, I think.

SPEAKER_01 25:59

Yeah, I mean, some people can't do it, but it's really, it does.

SPEAKER_04 26:03

Do you think those people can't orgasm either? Yeah. Do you think there's a correlation, Sarah? Sarah, what do you think?

SPEAKER_00 26:10

Yeah. Absolutely. I do think that if you unloosen that knot in your gut to laugh, cry freely. I think it pe those people do have trouble orgasming. That just my anecdote. Wow. Interesting. Isn't her voice so soothing? It really is. I'm like, oh my god, am I getting therapy right now? By the way, like you're hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

Yeah, she's dying laughing. Thank you. Crying. So you'll have one more person at your special. Oh my god. I want to go. Yeah, I have to get a postcard.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

I'll put you on my list. And also, if you want suicide plans, this is one I heard this morning. There was a woman on the upper east side, and uh don't take my license, please. But there was a woman on the upper east side that jumped out of the window in a garbage bag so she would land on the trash pile and no one would have to clean up her body. Oh nice so code dependent. Very considerate, people pleasing.

SPEAKER_02 27:04

It makes me so sad. It's like even in death, I will not leave a mess.

SPEAKER_01 27:08

The woman's code.

SPEAKER_00 27:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:10

The woman's work is never done. That's incredible. I can't even believe that. Oh my god. Yeah. But a plastic bag is not. Was she fat?

SPEAKER_02 27:21

Because that's more detailed. Like really tight on. Her arms and legs are sticking out. So we gotta get out. It's like tricky. It's like potato hopping. We have we have a lot of darkness in my family that is like covered up in like um, I think a funny way. Like we always had this story of my grandmother's cousin died by accident, but she was sleeping with the window open in Paris, and she just accidentally rolled out of the window in her sleep. And I'm like in my 30s telling somebody this, and they were like, rolled out the window. They're like, Do you think that's what really what happened? I'm like, oh no, because that how would you roll out the window?

SPEAKER_01 28:00

Did everyone believe that? Yes. Yeah. Are you kidding me?

SPEAKER_04 28:03

Well, those are my favorite when you retell a story and you discover the details aren't.

SPEAKER_02 28:08

I think that's my I love this too. From like from like five, you're like, yeah, you know, my dad, he would just always go out back and scream. That was his thing. It was a hobby, you know. But yeah, I I I talked to my mom about it. My mom was like, Well, I mean, I have she has like, I haven't thought about it in a million years, but like obviously she just jumped out of the window and killed herself. And then, but that's like such a 50s era thing to do. Like, well, she just we had another one. Somehow she just accidentally drank bleach, you know. That was another one we had where it was like, how do you accidentally drink bleach? All the way. My grandmother's close friend. There was an accidental bleach drinking, quote unquote. And it's like, well, clearly something else happened, and we're not privy to that information.

SPEAKER_01 28:56

Guzzled bleach and people Exactly. Like, not just a sip by mistake. She's drinking.

SPEAKER_02 29:01

My aunt told me, I said, Well, what happened? She said, She had bleach in the glass, she was gonna clean it, and then she had a glass of water, and she accidentally. I'm like, that doesn't make sense.

SPEAKER_01 29:10

Yeah, because one's really thick and stinks. And you would know the second it touches your tongue. You're pouring bleach in a glass. Right. It was a wine wine glass. It was a shot glass.

SPEAKER_02 29:26

Yeah, just a quick shot of bleach.

SPEAKER_01 29:28

Wow, that's really is there anything else your family told you that I'm trying to think if and my family told me anything that later I was like, what?

SPEAKER_02 29:38

Yeah, we have a ton. We have a ton. Just like there was a few suicides where it was like, oh, he just dropped dead, you know, and then one day, like years later, you'll be like, I found him in his car. Yeah. Yeah. Sleeping. Yeah, he felt died in his sleep, and it's like, no, he shot himself in the face. Yeah. After getting in a fight with another family member, just like, oh, okay, well, have fun. Okay, well, well, it's just the way it is. Yeah, it's just the way it is.

SPEAKER_01 30:05

If I could only turn back time. I know. So pet story.

SPEAKER_04 30:09

Well, I'll set up. You set up, set up. Well, because we were talking about, have you ever met a family? You always meet a family that their whole personality is based on their kind they're into a dog breed. Yeah, of course. Katie's family. We find out Katie's family is a big thing.

SPEAKER_02 30:26

My family in in like 1999, my parents got really deeply into a rare breed of mountain dog called an Entley Booker. I don't know why. I've never heard that. This is my parents get in projects where they like, this is how they process their traumas, just like going in a rabbit hole. The dogs are almost extinct. My parents were in contact with like four, there's four breeders in the United States. There's like 28 of these dogs in the world. Wow.

SPEAKER_04 30:52

Impressive looking.

SPEAKER_02 30:52

Yeah, they're they're nice. And so my parents are like becoming email pin pals with one of the breeders for some reason. And like, we have no money, but they we have no money, but they're spending a ton of money on. We go drive all the way out to the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania to get this rare dog. It must have cost thousands of people. I'm sure. I think this one was a little banged up, so it was like one that they weren't gonna breed. It was like had something wrong with it, so we're like, well, we'll just get this one.

SPEAKER_01 31:22

We had no uterus in one foot. Right, yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

It was a little banged up.

SPEAKER_01 31:26

Yeah. Yeah. But not getting value out of puppies are coming from it. No, yeah. That's what people do with adoption. They're just like, give me a kid that's fucked up and they don't have the money.

SPEAKER_02 31:36

So we go out to get it, and mind you, this has been a buildup of like a year where like my whole family's personality has become like being really into this dog, and it's like it's a short hair dog, and it doesn't shed, and it's like it's a protector, and we all like we have like shirts with this dog on it. Oh my god, really? Yeah, we were so into it. So we drive out, we get the dog, we're in the van. Of course, we're in a van. We've been in a van for the five years. You've been in a van for four days. We're like just driving out. We the dog starts going crazy in the van. We're like, okay, I guess she has to go to the bathroom.

SPEAKER_01 32:09

Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but how old is the dog?

SPEAKER_02 32:12

She was probably like a year old. She wasn't like a baby. Puppy puppy, she was still young. Yeah. She's still young. So we open the van to let her out. We put her on the leash, and she just gets out of the leash and just runs into the just runs into the woods. Just runs into the woods. And we've had her for like 30 minutes. Oh, like a thousand dollar dog or something. Best story. Oh, it was so traumatic. She ran away. She just ran straight into the woods. And then my family searched in the woods until dark for her. Yeah. We searched in the woods until the sun went down. Like my brother's crying. My poor little brother. Like, we got this dog because he was like having trouble in school. And he like that was like a big part of it. My brother's crying in the woods. This is the funniest. I don't, I the buildings together is amazing.

SPEAKER_04 33:06

Had it for 30 minutes and then it goes AWOL.

SPEAKER_02 33:09

And then we just, my family will not even talk about it. Because I brought it up. I'm like, you know, I've been telling this as like kind of it's kind of funny now. My parents were so upset. They were like, we don't want to talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

They're still wearing the shirt. Everything they own has the dog on it.

SPEAKER_02 33:22

We had a blanket. It was great. But I mean, so it did have kind of a happy ending because later we got a different messed up dog.

SPEAKER_01 33:30

This one.

SPEAKER_02 33:31

That one was really messed up, and he was super aggressive, but he did stay.

SPEAKER_01 33:36

So oh, what was what was what did you name the first dog?

SPEAKER_02 33:40

The first dog's name I do not remember, but the second one I remember he was a much older dog and he had like hip dysplasia, so we were just like giving him a home to die in. And his name was Augie. But yeah, it was my parents really, and if you if you say anything to my parents about it.

SPEAKER_01 33:57

Oh, they're cute.

SPEAKER_02 33:59

They're cute.

SPEAKER_01 34:00

That would have been great.

SPEAKER_02 34:01

They're so purebred that they just have so many problems. It's like that's why they're becoming extinct. Because they're just like the Habsburg dynasty at this point. I just looked that up. That's a that's a fun, that's a fun rabbit hole. What what? The Habsburg dynasty.

SPEAKER_04 34:15

I don't know what that is.

SPEAKER_02 34:16

It's a German Austrian monarchy or whatever.

SPEAKER_04 34:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:21

And they just kept inbreeding cousins and then their jaw just kept looking at the bigger. It's like that jaw that goes like a gigantic lender bite.

SPEAKER_04 34:31

Oh, yeah, see? Yeah. That's probably my listening face. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:42

You are so you guys are brilliant. Do I look like that? I'm serious. Wait, doesn't it make you question? You're like, I think I might have some of them in my family. I think I look like the last one. You know, the thing is similar.

SPEAKER_02 34:57

In this time period, that was like the Instagram face. Everyone thought that was because it was like associated with royalty. So it was like that was our filler and Botox.

SPEAKER_04 35:07

That's why you can't get plastic surgery, because then you find out your your face, you're like, oh, I didn't realize I was doing looks dated on the success.

SPEAKER_02 35:19

Like that's what happened with Chinese foot binding. It's like you get the foot binding and then it's like now it's out of style. And you're like, no, I have tiny broken shoot. Shoot, I cannot walk.

SPEAKER_01 35:29

Well, I shoot is amazing. Oh shoot. Shoot, I broke my feet.

SPEAKER_04 35:37

Well, I always worry about that's why I think about like getting plastic surgery. And I'm like, yeah, maybe I could do that. But then you worry, like you spend sixty thousand dollars, and then all of a sudden AI takes over, we have no money, and then I'm just explaining to my kid, like, mommy had to get a facelift, and that's why you can't go to college. Like, there's something embarrassing.

SPEAKER_02 36:02

Because I needed to feel fuckable. Right. Right.

unknown 36:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:07

And now you have to learn a trade.

SPEAKER_04 36:12

Or like when people cut their upper bluffs, yes, and it looks like their upper what? Their upper, they so they look more oh they look like this one.

SPEAKER_03 36:23

Like this.

SPEAKER_01 36:23

Yeah. And they're like But that's a good listening face. That is a good listening face.

SPEAKER_03 36:27

Alert alert.

SPEAKER_04 36:28

So then they're always like, What do you think? It always looks like.

SPEAKER_03 36:34

They look surprised, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:36

Um that's why I find plastic surgery so risky. It's daunting. It's daunting. Even doing Botox where you're like, oh, I I hope I go to the right person because I could just make your eyebrows go like getting the spawk or is it obvious?

SPEAKER_01 36:53

I'm like, you could play bass fish with a hook in its mouth. Like it's like this is bell's palsy now. Yeah, this is real. If I got bells palsy, I would die.

SPEAKER_03 37:01

Oh my gosh. Oh no, I had a friend's dad that kids. Yeah, hard for the stage. It's really hard for the stage.

SPEAKER_01 37:08

Yeah, it's hard for the Where are you from?

SPEAKER_04 37:16

I had a friend that cat got it, and I was like, How do you get it? And she's like, Well, they suspect she's told me because she thinks she was sleeping too close to the window AC unit. And I was like, that's not how you get that's how you never heard of that. That's like Els or um. It's like one of those stories where you're like, something's not adding up here. Yeah, it's like she actually got hammered and fell down the stairs. I think that sounds better than like falling asleep next to your air conditioning.

SPEAKER_01 37:49

Could you imagine if you jumped off the bridge and it was windy and on the way down of killing yourself, you got Bell's palsy? That would really suck. Oh did you guys ever get anything where you're like face changed or you're gonna be able to do it?

SPEAKER_04 38:06

Well, I feel like I'm going there is something right now.

unknown 38:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 38:10

What's going on? So I don't know if this is paramenopause or just like my lips are so dry that I'm getting potato chip cuts on this slide. I that's what I call them. Oh, but then I'm also worried because Joe is so open about talking about having herpes. So I always think when her husband has herpes for everyone that wants to know.

SPEAKER_01 38:33

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 38:34

Openly talked about it. We're not outing him on the show. Yeah. But I think that can be actually wait a second. I just saw something about this that it could be a vitamin deficiency. Could it? Yes, it's like vitamin A or something.

SPEAKER_01 38:44

You need more semen.

SPEAKER_02 38:45

Yeah, yeah. Just guzzle it.

SPEAKER_04 38:48

Just slap it on your lips. I don't you always hear those scientists like you get you see in your scroll, like, uh scientists say that um ingesting semen is good for your mental health or something. No wonder why I'm so fucked up.

SPEAKER_01 39:02

Yeah, but then you're always I haven't ingested semen since University of Maryland.

SPEAKER_04 39:07

But then you think if that was the case, they'd be selling vials of semen at the store. That way I don't have to suck a dick to get it. Yeah, do you want to meet?

SPEAKER_02 39:15

They sell breast milk. You know? Breast milk is totally commodity. Like, just let me shoot it back.

SPEAKER_04 39:23

Just shoot it back so I don't have to put a cock in my mouth. Because that's not that what they're mentioning in the these articles.

SPEAKER_01 39:30

Some women love sucking dick. I think they're lying. I'm a binge. Because if you are, that would make sense that you would uh you know. Yeah, you like having that oral. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:40

I just I honestly wish semen tasted like pudding. Like a chia seed. Right? That is my one wish in life. Uh if I am genie.

SPEAKER_01 39:53

It's not about your bring it or anything. Yeah. It's about that you wish semen tasted like pudding.

SPEAKER_04 40:03

There's probably like an evolution reason why semen doesn't taste good. Cause then that way we don't get super like. What what would that mean for mankind if semen tasted really good? And then we're like, just no one's fucking. And then we're just like trying to suck cock all the time. Yeah, you're addicted to you imagine if you were addicted to it because of the taste.

SPEAKER_01 40:27

Hi, my name is Jessica, and I'm addicted to swallowing semen.

SPEAKER_02 40:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:36

What would you wish it would taste like?

SPEAKER_02 40:38

I mean, I love, I I love sweets. I love sweets, and I try not to eat them because it's like if once I eat a sweet, then it's like uh I'm just for the day. This is the whole point.

SPEAKER_01 40:48

So if it tasted like something sweet that you love, you would just be sucking dick all day and night.

SPEAKER_02 40:52

I wouldn't just harassing my poor husband.

SPEAKER_01 40:55

Yeah. Could you imagine if you're like you you're live on the street, like you just give me that case because you're an addict.

SPEAKER_03 41:02

Or like while they're sleeping, you're just like quietly getting the I feel like my husband would be so disturbed.

SPEAKER_01 41:14

Like they died, and you're just there in the casket. Oh God. I gotta get a little some there.

SPEAKER_03 41:22

Still some there.

SPEAKER_02 41:23

So you think like ice cream or something? I love like a tapioca. Like a tapioca. I don't know why I'm going with a weird texture, but I like that. I like that. Because you can roll that shit in your mouth a little boba. Yeah, a little boba. Yeah, little boba.

SPEAKER_01 41:36

Yeah. I don't know what I I think I'd want it to be Manishevitz or prune juice or joke. Oh, healthy. A little If I had to do if I had a gun to my head, which there was last night. I um I would I don't know. I maybe diet sprite.

SPEAKER_04 41:54

Oh, I love Diet Sprite's great. It is.

SPEAKER_01 41:57

Sarah's laughing because I guzzle it.

SPEAKER_04 42:00

I love a diet ginger ale, like a diet ginger. Well, there's a few diet drinks that kind of doesn't taste like it's diet. I love that you guys know that.

SPEAKER_02 42:07

We love diet soda. We do. Sarah and I are big soda, we're we're soda gals. Yeah. I like diet coke. I love diet chemical taste. Yeah. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:16

Yeah, I liked, yeah. I like diet cream soda. Have you ever had that? No. Oh, it's so good. Snummy. Dr. What's it called, Sarah? Doc it's a Jewish, it's not Jewish. Dr. Browns? Yeah, it is Dr. Browns. Yeah, they have cream and celery soda.

SPEAKER_02 42:31

Celery soda?

SPEAKER_01 42:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:33

They have new sodas now that they're all kind of like kitschy and like, it's like, um, protein, probiotic. I'm not about any of those. No, it's too crazy.

SPEAKER_04 42:41

I just want sugar cane.

SPEAKER_02 42:43

I just want the regular sugar soda cane. Yeah, sugar cane. There's too many beverages now. There's the refreshers, and now there's all this other. I can't handle it. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:51

It's a it's a lot. I just like the stuff that's really bad for you. I don't care.

SPEAKER_02 42:55

I mean, at this point, give me the stuff that will clean blood off the sidewalk, and that's what I like the taste of it. That's just what I'm preferring.

SPEAKER_01 43:02

I wonder if that woman planted sodas before she jumped to clean off the sidewalk.

SPEAKER_02 43:08

Just a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 43:10

Just a six-pack of like soda. Yeah. Just to see. Just make sure the cleaning people are. They're like, what is she doing?

SPEAKER_04 43:15

And someone like, I know this.

SPEAKER_02 43:17

Yeah, red flags, you need to check on your friend. She's wearing a trash bag, going about her day in a trash bag. Give her a check. Have you ever had someone check? Have you ever had someone flag you on Facebook? I've had this happen to me where it's like, I'm just posting a dark joke thinking, and then someone's flagged the as a concern for me. Oh, that's amazing. Where I'm like, I've never heard. How embarrassing. Like Facebook's like, hey, I need to. I I just am just an easy one liner, like something like I've been writing a lot lately, mostly suicide notes, and it's like now Facebook is checking in on me. Facebook is checking in, and it's so it's like an AI, and it's like that would. Make me that would push me further. Right. And AI is like, hello, Katie. Hi, Katie. Hi, Katie. Are you okay?

SPEAKER_01 44:07

But it's not even a real person. No, it's just Bob. Hello, Katie. Are you doing okay?

SPEAKER_02 44:12

Don't feel like the voice of Stephen Hawking. Stephen?

SPEAKER_01 44:17

Stephen, were you on the island? Did he have one of these? I'm very uneducated.

SPEAKER_02 44:22

He had a computer that he was like typing through a computer.

SPEAKER_01 44:25

Oh my god, I that's a lot. But he was still on. He must have had carpal tunnel syndrome. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:30

Did he have ALS?

SPEAKER_01 44:32

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:33

But he could use the finger, I guess, or something. Or maybe he was looking at it. I don't know. The sun.

SPEAKER_01 44:37

Was he blowing into story's falling apart? He had eyes?

SPEAKER_03 44:46

They said he was on Epstein Island.

SPEAKER_01 44:48

Yes. He was with. This is. Can we talk about that for one minute? Can we? I mean, listen, if someone is gonna pay for sex, it's gonna, it would have been him.

SPEAKER_02 44:58

It's just true.

SPEAKER_01 45:02

They Do you think he had one that went in the water when he was there just in case the clock?

unknown 45:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:09

Oh my god, a jet ski. He's on a jet ski. Here we go! Um he was married for like 30 years, got a ALS, lost a full movement of everything, then cheated on his wife with his nurse, and then left his wife for his nurse with no he can't move. Yeah. And he's cheating. I don't understand what like I have to watch out for you and you can't move, right? Like I'm pissed. I that is I want to see her glow up. I never knew that. Yeah, that that is 100% true. That's not a joke. Yeah, because it's in the movie.

SPEAKER_04 45:45

Oh, is it? Yeah, they they do address his um infidelities. Infidelities. Wait, so he couldn't move anything?

SPEAKER_02 45:53

Could not move a thing, is talking through a computer, and is having an affair. You're like, is it is it the hashtag not all men?

SPEAKER_04 46:03

I know, but there's always a woman that's like I'll take care of him. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:10

I can fix him. Yeah. Give me a hammer.

SPEAKER_01 46:16

With a hammer?

SPEAKER_02 46:17

Did you know?

SPEAKER_03 46:22

I can fix him. It's true though. Yeah. It's like those God fall in love with the money.

SPEAKER_01 46:30

No.

SPEAKER_03 46:31

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 46:32

Yeah. I mean, does did did did his dick work? I don't know. I know. Um, my brain goes to the craziest place. I know, but it is the number one question.

SPEAKER_02 46:40

And I'm thinking absolutely not.

SPEAKER_04 46:42

That's what I'm thinking.

SPEAKER_02 46:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 46:44

There's no way the rest of your body doesn't work, and then that's where you're like, God is a man if he let Stephen Hawkins' dick work.

SPEAKER_02 46:55

Right, right. Like nothing works, but then your dick works. It's like we probably do have the science for that.

SPEAKER_04 47:00

Like how convenient. Yeah, like you can't cure um pico stuff. All you have to do is just keep it up. So maybe you can take a Viagra and she can just ride him. And he's just like into it. I mean, he would be into it. Well, he'd have to type. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:17

Yeah, he would.

SPEAKER_02 47:18

Yeah, like consent. It's ready.

unknown 47:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:21

You may up and I know.

SPEAKER_02 47:24

It's like Stephen Hawking's dirty talking you. No, thank you. But I can I like he oh, what?

SPEAKER_04 47:32

He's capable of sexual function. But sexual function is a very broad term. So he's probab but then he fathered. So you can extract and then probably finger.

SPEAKER_02 47:43

I can't. Right? Oh, you could finger what? You could like get his sperm and then she's saying like do an insemination, right?

SPEAKER_01 47:51

But you wouldn't inseminate with your finger to make someone pregnant. You would have to do it. How does ALS work?

SPEAKER_04 47:56

Because if you're just getting blood to your penis, then it's like you don't need bones. I have no idea. I don't know how this is when you find out you're like the stupidest person.

SPEAKER_03 48:08

Am I a Maha? I don't think I know science.

SPEAKER_01 48:11

Why don't you have bones or need in your in your peener?

SPEAKER_02 48:15

In your peanut.

SPEAKER_01 48:16

It's the doctor's turn. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:18

If you just get the blood going to it.

SPEAKER_01 48:19

I mean, I love Shaq said peanut after we're talking about Stephen Watkins being in a wheelchair.

SPEAKER_02 48:25

You're pee pee.

SPEAKER_01 48:28

You're a male organ.

SPEAKER_02 48:29

You're a I will say in his defense that he he was only on the island for a conference. Right. He's like taken pictures with like hot women that were there, but it's like that was just his aides, who he probably was fucking, but those were his nurses.

SPEAKER_01 48:41

Right.

SPEAKER_02 48:42

They were not.

SPEAKER_01 48:43

Yeah, it's like, but and he didn't know at the time. I mean, how can I do that? It was a science conference. No.

SPEAKER_02 48:48

Yeah. I don't know. Well. Oh wow. I know. That's that's a tough rusting face. That's a tough speaking of resting face, and you're like, that's kind of like you're that's I feel like you're um smiling. You're like trying to be nice, but you're like that's exactly what I thought. Like Am I in the wrong room?

SPEAKER_01 49:06

I didn't mean to do it. Yeah, I'm so sorry. You that's a lot. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm not like he's gone, so we can talk about it. But that's right. And she is pro is that his wife? Yeah, but it says uh two marriages ended in division.

SPEAKER_02 49:22

Two marriages. Wow, he's a serial cheater.

SPEAKER_01 49:26

What is men can get any pussy no matter it's really unbelievable.

SPEAKER_04 49:31

Yeah, there's no yeah, it's tough.

SPEAKER_01 49:35

Was he very wealthy?

SPEAKER_02 49:37

He well, he was really smart, I guess that was it. But I don't think that he was like a billionaire.

SPEAKER_01 49:41

But that is a turn on when someone's smart, huge. Right. Like Sarah's incredibly smart.

SPEAKER_02 49:46

I love it.

SPEAKER_01 49:47

And it's I love it.

SPEAKER_02 49:48

Yeah, when someone's smart, you're like, whoa. And then the smart person likes you, and you're like, wait, am I smart? Am I smart that you're listening to? Yeah. I feel like I am smart in like certain ways, but in other ways I'm very dumb. Um not very smart in terms of like common sense or like what you should be doing. But like I'm like, I like to read sometimes. Right. But I feel like I often feel stupid, like I'm just a dumbass, don't know where I am, lost. How I am. Do you ADD? I've never been diagnosed as that, but I know that I have I have other issues that I um you know, it's like you never get a diagnosis. They're like, you just have issues and we're gonna try the Zoloft. Never trying to do it.

SPEAKER_04 50:34

There's a lot of trial and error we find as the female existence. Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_02 50:39

Yeah, it's a label, you know, where you're like, I'm just me and I'm scary.

SPEAKER_01 50:44

Yeah, and it's like it's nice not to have feelings because you're medicated, you know.

SPEAKER_02 50:47

Oh my god. Oh my god. Right. The you you get medicated and you're like, the amount of feelings I was having, I now realize was so inappropriate. Where I like I like dropped a muffin and I'm like, oh god, oh my god. You drop a muffin and you're like, I have to go home. I have to go home.

SPEAKER_01 51:04

I can't take days over. That is draw it's so funny with you saying I dropped a muffin and uh got overwhelmed. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 51:13

The day's over, you gotta shut it down. It represents something so much larger.

SPEAKER_02 51:17

It that's what it is. Because I'm like, this is why I'm not successful. Because I can't hold on to a fucking muffin for two seconds. Because then it becomes the story of your life.

SPEAKER_01 51:29

Of course it does. Yeah. Like I'll drop a pencil and be like, you fucking idiot. Like that whole thing, my dad comes down. Yeah, God. It's really tough. Do you do that? Yeah, you do that. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 51:41

Always. I think every day it's like you I call my inner voice it's the Bobby Knight.

SPEAKER_05 51:47

Oh, it's trying to strengthen you.

SPEAKER_04 51:50

I'm trying to get on a winning team. I and so I'm coming from that tactic of like throwing chairs at myself, basically.

SPEAKER_01 51:57

Wouldn't that be great?

SPEAKER_02 51:58

It's very motivational, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 51:59

Yeah, because there is that the tactic where I I do talk about sometimes you do need a Joe Jackson as a dad to see results. Well, his Joe, I mean Joe Jackson.

SPEAKER_03 52:10

You have to be yelling at those kids.

SPEAKER_02 52:12

He his kids were successful.

SPEAKER_01 52:15

And the Jacksons were very successful.

SPEAKER_02 52:17

At the young age that they were, the Jackson 5, singing, dancing, a triple threat like that. I mean, but you're not gonna get that by gentle parenting. You would never know.

SPEAKER_04 52:26

No, no, no. You have to keep them in a basement. And you have to yell at them until they get that musical number done right for the Ed Sullivan show.

SPEAKER_02 52:35

And that's how you get out of Gary, Indiana. That's the only way out. Otherwise, you're gonna have to work in the coal mines.

SPEAKER_01 52:42

Yeah. That's so true. Yeah. Yeah, because he, I mean, they're damaged for life emotionally, but they have a ton of money.

SPEAKER_04 52:49

But aren't even if you're not getting yelled at in the basement, you still are damaged for life emotionally. So you might as well be making some Yes, yes. That's so true. Because I think about that with my parents, I'm like, God, if they only fucking pushed me hard. Because I remember being good at gymnastics, and the one time I had a coach tell me my legs were super hairy, I was out. My mom should have been like, you get your fucking ass back in there again and you do that glide kip. I could have been something.

SPEAKER_01 53:23

Yes. Oh, you left be you left because the coach told you you're how hairy were your legs?

SPEAKER_04 53:29

They were pretty hairy. They're pretty if you let them go. I always say it's like I like my legs, but it's always like God's always puts like one thing. And no matter what you're I like, he's like, Yeah, but we'll put this on top of it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can't have it all. Right. Yeah. So you'd to do a glide kip, which was a transitional period in gymnastics, meant you get to go to the next level. They tape your legs, and I remember him ripping it off, and he's like, You have the hairiest legs I've ever seen on a kid. Here's the weird part. So I told my mom, she goes and she chews him out the next day, and then he comes back to me while I'm sitting stretching, he's like, Did you tell your mom that you have hairy legs? And I was like, Again, inappropriate.

SPEAKER_01 54:11

Yeah, that's so inappropriate. Confronting me? What is that? So weird. It's such a horrible thing to say to a child. Oh, is you think that's the norm, actually. If someone said that to one of my girls, I wouldn't have to be a person.

SPEAKER_04 54:24

That's actually a fireball offense to me. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 54:28

You you have these memories from childhood, and you're like, that was so fucked up that like there's just no uh people that work with kids, you think like, oh, this is a person who loves kids, and it's like it's usually a person that just like couldn't get another job and they're just teaching gymnastics to kids.

SPEAKER_01 54:46

And they're pissed because they never went anywhere with them.

SPEAKER_02 54:48

And they shouldn't be around. I mean, a lot of people like a lot of teachers, like, you know, you're amazing at what you do. I'm not saying that, but like there are times where you're like, that person should have been right. There's no way.

SPEAKER_01 54:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 54:59

He should have been fired telling the kids that they have hairy legs. Like, he's probably trying to hit on you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 55:03

Well, he was I remember one time because we went to gymnastic camp and I stayed in my tent so long because he creeped me out because he'd always be given back rubs.

SPEAKER_05 55:13

Oh, this is a razor.

SPEAKER_01 55:16

I love that it got to this point. Yeah. He liked it finding me out because he was always fingering everyone, and I was like, is this inappropriate?

SPEAKER_04 55:25

Well, at the time, you know, when you're a kid, you think everyone's like 30 years old? I bet you he was only like 22. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. His head was so huge.

SPEAKER_02 55:35

Wow. And it and then you think back in your head's his head. Was he even a gymnast?

SPEAKER_01 55:40

Yeah, I never saw him deuce flips.

SPEAKER_02 55:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 55:43

Just his head went over a bar. Yeah, like it's really it's it's insane what goes on. But you, Sarah, you talk about this a lot, the trauma response. She's a trauma therapist. So yeah, we things happen to us, and then what happens?

SPEAKER_00 55:58

I mean, you dissociate, your body protects itself, so you just zone out, right? You split off the part of you that feels. And now you sit at a podcast studio all these years later and you're like, oh yeah, that was kind of weird.

SPEAKER_04 56:09

Right. But then I'm laughing because I do find it funny. But I there is an anger to it as well.

SPEAKER_02 56:15

Yeah, there's something about laughing at something that's so fucked up where you can kind of take the power back a little bit instead of being like, Yeah, that was a huge violation of me. Right. Where I feel like as women we get that often you often feel like so powerless. Uh you know, people are kind of like coming at you and you know, in your space, and at least when it's fucked up and you can laugh at it, it's like, all right. Okay, I I'm in control. Right.

SPEAKER_04 56:42

But at the time you don't really you're just like, that's weird.

SPEAKER_01 56:46

That happened has happened to me, uh all of us. My whole especially in comedy. Like I've talked about this, like a club owner just smacking my ass. So Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 56:55

Yeah, and I'm just like crazy.

SPEAKER_01 56:57

I'll get booked here again. Yeah, it's just yeah, and then you just are sitting with shame for hours. Well, I'm sitting with shame because I allowed it to happen. Right. That's what I get. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 57:09

And it's only until like the train ride home that I realize the train ride home.

SPEAKER_02 57:14

Yeah. Where you're like, okay, this is how I would have handled it. Then you just replay it in your mind for four years. I know it's so hard. Yeah. I've had that happen. I had a guy squeeze my leg once right before I went on stage. I yeah. And I was just like, uh, and just fumbling through my act, and then just never did anything. And I still think about it. What you know, I'm like doing a psycho drama where I'm like, fuck you. Right.

SPEAKER_01 57:37

I've done that. I feel the same way. Yeah. It's so hard.

SPEAKER_00 57:41

But they do it intentionally at a time when they catch you off guard. So try not to blame yourself because they do that on purpose. Thank you. When you're distracted, you're looking somewhere else, you're in a rush, and they'll just throw this like other violation at you, and you're like, you can't react. You have to go on stage. Yeah, there's no time accident.

SPEAKER_02 58:00

It's predatory. Oh my god, you're good.

SPEAKER_00 58:04

You are so good.

SPEAKER_01 58:05

I need to see you. Yo, she's amazing. Wow. She's amazing. She's a doctor.

SPEAKER_00 58:09

Jessica's doing so much work right now with helping young female comics who have been assaulted in the scene.

SPEAKER_02 58:16

Oh, we know, we know about it, and we applaud you. Yeah, we know it's not.

SPEAKER_01 58:21

There's no money in it, but you guys I'm out.

SPEAKER_02 58:23

Oh, yeah. Like, um, is there money in anything? I don't think I've ever worked for money. I don't yeah, I've I don't think I've ever made any money.

SPEAKER_01 58:30

Yeah, I mean, I kind of like just geared them towards a thing, but now they're they're, you know, in a whole movement. It's great. It's great. But some of them are going to Sarah's practice in the city. Oh, that's great. Like for a very cheap amount of money.

SPEAKER_00 58:46

My practice will be hosting group therapy in the city for people who just need support and it'll be very low pressure, very safe. You can just come and talk.

SPEAKER_02 58:55

Doesn't that make you feel amazing? Because I feel like when I started doing stand-up, there was so much craziness going on, and it was the pre-me too. It was pre me too. And you have this like awful feeling of like, well, if I say something, like I'm gonna be looked at weird, everyone will believe this other person. And you know, now I look back and it's like I wish I had I wish I had been the person that was like, you know what, sound the alarm.

SPEAKER_01 59:23

We c Yeah, it was so different. So different, so different. And by the way, we did like a whole seminar in the beginning. They all said the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 59:32

Right.

SPEAKER_01 59:32

They all said, I don't, I don't want to say anything, I'm afraid that I'm saying that. I want to be the martyr. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 59:37

Because because that is the case.

SPEAKER_01 59:39

That is 100% the case.

SPEAKER_02 59:42

The men will close up, they'll turn on you, certain women will turn on you. They also do the can I do this? Am I oh, am I not allowed to do this anymore?

SPEAKER_04 59:51

You know the difference, you know the difference. Yeah. It's so obnoxious.

SPEAKER_01 59:55

It is, or they'll just stand like this when you take a picture. I do that to guys now.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:00

Oh, that's so I always have my hands open to make sure that they're not getting gross.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:04

I do one of these. I'm like, just keep your distance. Yeah. I wear a burqa. Yeah. Yeah, that's the solution. But yeah, it is. It's it's can be so frustrating, but it's when you feel like you have solidarity, it just makes you feel like, oh god, it's I'm not alone. I'm it's relatable. It's so relatable.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:23

Yeah, they all said the same stuff. All of them.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:26

Well, how about like I still have a fear when you get paid and you have to go into their office at night? Believe it or not, I do the door.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:34

And I'm not even straight.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:35

It feels like they're doing that to intimidate you in case you like are like this is not right. Right. It's like, well, I need to get out. That's my first priority.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:43

I know. I'm like, I just want to have the door open, at least. I don't know why there needs to be.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:48

Do you ask them to open the door? No. See, I would. Like, yeah. I guess it's different for me though, because I'm in a different position. You know what I'm saying? Like not being like a straight girl, an office slate. But I I just I don't know. It they're so skeevy. So many of these. I mean, people don't realize what we deal with on the road. Yeah. I always think I'm in like, you know, a private plane and I'm staying at like four seasons. Like, I am not okay. I'm in like You're at the rectum hut. Yeah, I'm eating. I'm eating like the breakfast buffet, like fucking shoot sausage.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:20

Or you're getting a ride from the airport from a guy you've never met in your entire life. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:26

And he's in like a broken down, and there's just like we're talking about how much of a C-word Hillary Clinton is.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:33

You're like held hostage. You're like totally, totally. You're agreeing with that. I didn't get the vaccine either. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:38

He's a horrible person. Yeah. That has happened to me so many times in my career where I've just agreed because I don't want to get killed. Of course. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Well, I I'm I could talk to you guys for hours.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:52

This was really cool. Thanks for having us on. I know.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:55

You guys are amazing. I could just see me laughing. Like I was like full of a few. Oh my gosh, I know. I can't. It's so great. Um, and before we go, Sarah, I think Sarah should come on camera. This is kind of weird. Totally. How did you guys meet? No, I don't. Yeah. In the mental word. No. So romantic. We met through a friend. Oh, that's the boss.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:19

That's the only way to make sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:21

Yeah, she's really kind, and I'm shocked that I've let someone in that's so nice. Um, no, but what I want you to do is tell us where we could tell about your special again and your social media and everything because I I'm saying this on every please follow them, support them. We need female comics need support. They are so fucking hilarious. I mean, I'm telling you, I've watched them and just cried laughing. So follow them, tell your friends, spread the word. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:51

So I'm on social media at Katie Hannigan Forever, and please get tickets to see my special taping May 29th at the Bell House in Brooklyn. The tickets are online at thebellhouse.com, and they're also on all of my social media. They're on my website, katyhannigan.com slash shows. I would love it if you came. And thanks for listening and thanks forever. Oh, you're so cute.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:12

I love it. And Sarah.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:14

Um, just follow me on Instagram at at Stalomosh so Katie and I will not unalive ourselves at the end of the summer.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:21

Be part of our challenge.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:25

The unalive challenge. Were we saying unalive the whole time? No, we weren't. No, I go back and forth.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:31

Sarah knows because she's like you should be able to say kill yourself, but apparently online gets weirded out by it.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:37

But it's fine on YouTube. You only will get demonetized if you say the C-word, so just bleep that out. Well, I said it, Zach. You have to take out the C words. You'll just just bleep it. Yeah, you're good.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:46

Yeah, Christian.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:47

Um course. Big Christian crowd. Um, Sarah, can you spell your name? Because I don't know if a lot there a lot of them have learning disabilities. Yeah. Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:56

T-O-L-L-E-M-A-C-H-E. Okay, next time slower, but that's no same way.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:03

Follow them. Go to A Show. Follow Sarah. My partner at Dr. Sarah Glass. At Dr. Sarah Glass. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:13

Please help me.