The Jessica Kirson Show

Big Duppet w/ Caitlin Peluffo

• Jessica Kirson • Episode 4

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Fresh off her finalist run on Funny AF with Kevin Hart, comedian Caitlin Peluffo joins Jessica for a chaotic, hilarious conversation that goes everywhere. The two comics swap stories about bombing in laundromats, questionable exes, early stand-up struggles, Last Comic Standing, comedy classes with Amy Schumer, and the realities of grinding your way through the comedy world.

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SPEAKER_01

A ducket, a duppet, a dick puppet. Um a ducket, a duppet, a dick puppet, duppet. Dick puppet. Alright, I need help. The Jessica Cush. I don't feel seen. I am so excited. I love that you started laughing right away. Because I just asked the producer how I should start this, and he's like, you can just start it with I'm so excited to have you. And I'm like, I'm so excited to have you.

SPEAKER_00

That was a complete switch. I know. And we were like, talk about your trauma. Come and then I'm so excited.

SPEAKER_01

I'm so excited to have you.

SPEAKER_00

I'm excited to be here.

SPEAKER_01

Um, we were literally just having like an intense conversation and I switched right away.

SPEAKER_00

I like it though. That's that's a true performer. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But was it really like, did I sell it?

SPEAKER_00

Or do you did, yeah. I think you're excited to see me.

SPEAKER_01

No, I am excited to see you.

SPEAKER_00

I think you're thrilled. Um no, I am.

SPEAKER_01

I really am. But I did start it with saying, like, can we talk about your childhood and trauma? And then it just yeah, it yeah, then we switched and it was nice. Yeah. It was nice. I mean, this is what it's podcast time.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_01

It's podcast time. No, this is the thing. We do this on stage. Like, we're, I don't know about you, but I'm like not okay in the green room. Yeah. Like sobbing or having horrible anxiety. And I'm like, hi guys, where are you from?

SPEAKER_00

Tip your waitresses. They work so hard. Meanwhile, Bex says she just threw a drink on me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But make sure you take care of them. Yeah. I'm going to keep pulling my shirt because I hate my stomach.

SPEAKER_00

I do that too. You do? I do. I pull the shirt. I'm also, I hate my stomach. I'm wearing a see-through shirt, but Oh my.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no, I love when I go like this. I've talked about this on stage. Like I'm pulling it. It's like it's not going to make me look like a size four. I'm literally just, and then the shirt looks really pulled.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, it doesn't, I'll be honest, it does not look pulled. Okay. Yeah, well, this is the thing. Looks great. But I do this, I think every woman does the same thing because sitting, there's sitting jeans and then there's standing jeans, and I'm wearing my standing jeans to sit, and so I feel like I I lost 50 pounds and I'm still like, I have roles. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01

Did you grow up with food stuff? Like with your parent. Yeah, what happened? What happened?

SPEAKER_00

It's so hard to be serious with other comedians. Who touched you? No, I'm joking. Um luckily wasn't touched, but a lot of food stuff.

SPEAKER_01

You're lucky you weren't.

SPEAKER_00

You're one of the few women. I know that. Thank you. It wasn't until the teens. Um that's that's when they really get grabby. Yeah, yeah. No, I uh I feel like when I growing up, my mom and like all my aunts and every they were always dieting. There's always what there's a diet. I remember it being a Weight Watcher scale in the house and stuff, and it was always you have to eat this, you can't eat this. You know, it was um it was a lot of uh Weight Watchers. We were a Weight Watchers family. Yeah. Yeah. And uh to this day, I think my mom and my sisters and uh my aunts are always like, okay, well, I can't eat that, and I can't, it was all very regimented. Um, and that's and my mom was heavier. Yeah. Um, and so she uh put us all in sports. Because she was like, she was like, I don't want you to gain weight, so everybody's playing sports. Everyone's gonna learn how to run. Okay, we're all gonna run. We're gonna learn the importance of running. Yeah. Yeah, because food was always a reward, too. So when we won, we were like ice cream! Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I know. It's so interesting. I mean, how are they heavy now or thin or it goes up and down? It goes up and down. I love that we're talking about your family's weight issues. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Is your mother fat? I mean, they all they've always struggled with their weight. Um, yeah, but it's uh it's always it's always a thing.

SPEAKER_01

Did you um gain like I gained weight to piss my father off? I blew the fuck up because he was crazy with food and weight. Yeah. Crazy. Very, you know, he was always on diets. My mom, my sister, everybody was always on diets, but he would project a lot onto us, and it infuriated him that we were heavy. And, you know, in my family, 10 pounds overweight was heavy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And so isn't that crazy? It it really is you look back and you're like, I looked fantastic. Me too.

SPEAKER_01

I was an athlete, and I'm like, this is unbelievable.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I remember one time I didn't, I thought I was always strong, you know. I never thought I was fat, and then I went to camp. And then this one girl, I was like, Here, you should try my pants. That would go, my Capri's would go great with that shirt. Caprice. And then she, I know for their denim Capris. Good job, very hip. Yeah, yeah. Okay. She puts them on and she made such a big show of look at how big it is on me. Look at how big, look at how big. She's like, Oh my god, I have the picture to this day of her being like, ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, yeah. And I was like, we can put that picture in. I'll try and find it. Yeah. But I literally I remember looking at that picture, being like, looking at her, being like, oh, I'm huge. Yeah, you don't think I'm a huge goblin. I was the size four, you know, f four or six, and I was like, I'm a fat, disgusting pig. I know it's really No, she's a toddler.

SPEAKER_01

I think Yeah. I was on, I was enormous at one point. You know that. I mean, if you you Google Zillow to find me, I was a fucking house. People get upset when I say that. I'm like, I'm okay with it. Like you're projecting your shadows. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm really fine when they go, uh. But I was on a plane once going to some fucking college in the middle of, I swear to God, we landed in like a a cornfield. I don't even know where I was. And it was a tiny plane, and the this the flight attendant was enormous. Like she was walking sideways down the aisle. Wow. She was like, Wow. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me. Um What did they say? Hands and feet? Or what do they say? So you so you don't get hit in the aisle now? Oh, I don't I don't know. I don't know. I'm a I'm a window sleeper. I just me too. I'm a window person, but I don't sleep. You don't sleep? No, I can't. I'm too anxious. But um, but I was my seatbelt didn't of it was like went to here. Yeah. And uh and I had a jacket over me, and it was like a short flight. And she came right up to me and she's like, um, is your seatbelt phasen? With like gravy. Oh yeah. And I was like, um, and she's like, let me look under your and I she can you imagine like she's been through that. Yeah. She made me in front of there was eight people on the plane. And I had to show her that my seatbelt was she had to get me an extender. And I wanted to choke her with it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I was so you should have. Yeah. I think the courts would have sided with you.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Did you go to uh uh about camp? Um did you go to day camp or sleepaway camp?

SPEAKER_00

I went to sleepaway camp one time. That's how I went. Did you like it? No, my parents were wonderful. And uh it was my dream to go. We were not a wealthy family.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And so that I was like, I really want to do that. I saw bug juice. Remember the bug juice. Bug juice, the the Disney show. Yeah. And so I always wanted to go to I wanted to go to sleep away. And so they saved up and then they let me go to sleep up sleepaway camp for one for three weeks. Where was it? It was in Wyoming. Wow.

SPEAKER_01

I thought wait, where did you grow up again? San Francisco. San Francisco. Right.

SPEAKER_00

Okay. And so we were right because you're not gay. I I know. I did everything I could. I try it. I've been telling I try it every three years. I give it away. I hope and pray every time. I know. But what sees are tough.

SPEAKER_01

So you're just like, I need dick.

SPEAKER_00

Like you just I need to get railed. Yeah. I need to get pounded. I need to be desecrated. I need someone who doesn't think I should be able to vote. Okay. That's incredible. I need to, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Why don't you date someone in the government?

SPEAKER_00

Except their dicks, I don't think a lot of them have a big dick. No, no, no, no. I don't think so. And they usually don't like it, the mouthy part.

SPEAKER_01

Are you into like a big dick? I love how this just goes dirty because the two of us are vile. Does it you like a big dick? Like No. I don't like a long dick.

SPEAKER_00

I like a thick dick.

SPEAKER_01

A lot of people say that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I like a don't give me more than six inches, and you're hitting my cervix. Okay. I got a shallow cervix. I'm a lady. Okay. I'm just girl. Mine isn't shallow. It's the girliest thing about me is that I have a shallow cervix. Do you say that in like a dating app? I have a shallow. I do. I put it in there. Shallow. No biggies.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you. No longies, just fatties. How do you know if they're going to be fat and not long? Is that the dumbest question you've ever?

SPEAKER_00

You know, it's really a trial and error.

SPEAKER_01

Really? So you just have to have them shove it in and then you're like, uh, this isn't thick enough.

SPEAKER_00

I actually get out a tape measure and I go, drop them, boys.

SPEAKER_01

Do you send them like pictures of kalbasas and be like, does it look like this?

SPEAKER_00

Which remote do you relate to most? Yeah. And then they go Remote Shoe.

SPEAKER_01

Are you the size of an Ug or like a ballerina slipper? Um Yeah, it's really that your shoe would be perfect. Really? That my God, you're like a tunnel down there.

SPEAKER_00

They don't call me a Lincoln for nothing.

SPEAKER_01

Oh my God. Have you been dating?

SPEAKER_00

No. I want to. So I was preparing for that show. Yeah. Tell them about the show. A lot of them will know, but Okay. Uh Funny AF by Kevin Hart on Netflix. It was a competition show similar to Last Comic Standing. Yeah. And uh we chased filmed it over the span of like six months. And so Oh, it took that long. Yeah, they well, they taped the first episodes in October, and then Kevin had to shoot Jumanji 18 or whatever, and then Jumanji 6, 12, who cares? Um Thank you, Daddy. I love you. Daddy Kevin. Yeah. But then so I didn't date for that whole time to prepare for the show. I was dieting, you know, I was working out a ton. I was writing jokes. We had to write roast jokes for Marshawn Lynch. And so it was Yeah. So I was like, you know what? Dating is really uh it distracts me.

SPEAKER_01

I get, you know, it's like let's just Yeah, I mean you have a huge dick in you. I have a huge how can you focus on anything else? And nothing, nothing else.

SPEAKER_00

I know I've turned into a puppet. Yeah. Hi everyone. I'm yeah, okay. I'm having a great time. A duppet.

SPEAKER_01

I always put words together. I'm like a four-year-old. Dick puppet.

SPEAKER_00

All right, so I like a ducett. Yeah. I want to be a ducet. Duppet. Duppet. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

A dick puppet. A dick puppet. I can you imagine if we only said that for the rest of the podcast? A ducket, a duppet, a dick puppet. Um a ducket, a duppet, a dick puppet, duppet. Duppet. Dick puppet. All right, I need help. I like that you went on. Of course. Yeah, yeah. You really got into that with me. That was pretty good. You're a true talent. I know. Well, I shouldn't have become a comic. I should have become a rapper. I I'd say so. Uh so you prepared for that, you didn't date, and then did you start dating? I mean, dating is so hard when you're a public figure. It's so hard, period. It's like, do you go on the apps?

SPEAKER_00

I think I'm I think I'm gonna try. I wanted to do meet people in real life. Yeah, I know. Uh, but that's impossible. Um, because I don't have the nights off, you know. I saw I literally I saw three men on the train that I was like, do I just walk up to them? The conductor, a homeless person. I like choo-choo. What do you do? Yeah, I mean unhoused. Yeah. You think I haven't? I've had real that lived one in a van and one in a storage unit.

SPEAKER_01

Are you kidding me? Someone live a van, I've heard, but a someone lived in a storage unit. A storage unit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. So hot. Were they always damp? Um, wait, where did you meet them? In the unit? I love the unit. It's so crazy.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Dick unit. Okay. Dunit. All right.

SPEAKER_01

Where did you meet the storage unit guy?

SPEAKER_00

Um, we worked together at a restaurant. Uh he was a line cook.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, a line cook would live in a storage unit.

SPEAKER_00

And I was a bartender, so. Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_01

Did you guys fuck in the storage unit? No.

SPEAKER_00

I had standards. He was crazy, he'd come to my place. And then you had to say goodbye and he went back to the unit? Then he went back to the unit. I think he only lived in the the unit for uh there was only like a week or two overlap until he got an apartment.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. He was only in there for a little bit. Did the unit have a bathroom? No. So he would he would shower at the restaurant.

SPEAKER_01

Like literally. Where did he shower in like the day? He would take like a whores bath. You know. Oh. And just like Yeah. I know a lot of women who take that. Oh, yeah. A whores bath. A whores bath. What did he look like? I'm curious. Was he Hispanic? No. Really?

SPEAKER_00

He was from North Carolina. Oh. He was tall, pretty fit, tons of tattoos, which I love.

SPEAKER_01

I do too.

SPEAKER_00

My little sister has a ton of tattoos, and my older sister has none. And so we're like, Sarah, what what can we get that you would want to get a tattoo? She was like, something pretty. And we were like, okay. Oh god. We gotta get this bitch flowers. So we we came across this, and then she was like, Oh, that's pretty. And I was like, Let's do it! Yeah, yeah. You guys should have gotten the Weight Watchers logo.

SPEAKER_01

Honestly. Just for your parents.

SPEAKER_00

For my mom.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Crazy. My dad, I mean, my dad has diabetes.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, God, he's so lucky. Um can you imagine?

SPEAKER_00

Is he okay? He's fine. Okay. I mean, right now he's fine. Yeah. But he, you know, he's not taking care of himself. And so we all get my sister, my older sister's a nurse, and so she's like, you have to eat right. And you know, he's like, he's a he's in his 60s and he's an old Italian man. He's like, I'll eat what I want. Are they like Italian, Italian? No. My dad is full Italian and my mom is um a mix, you know. But my dad, he gets a, you know, he gets a little gobagool in a minute.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, is he like I don't know.

SPEAKER_00

No, not like that, but he's like, he is trashy. Him and his brother are super trashy. Like they're like Yeah, I love that. I gotta go to Italy. Italy. Like, yeah. There's three syllables in that word. And he's like, no, it's Italy.

unknown

Like, okay.

SPEAKER_01

Is he like uh, yeah, we can have a nice sauce on Sunday, a nice gravy?

SPEAKER_00

No. No, no, he's uh he's West Coast Italian is different from East Coast. Very different.

SPEAKER_01

Very different. Are they still together? Yes, yeah. Wow, that's shocking. It's almost 50 years, yeah. Wow. Yeah, a long time. Wow. Did they did they ever fight a lot? Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. You can't stay together that long and not want to kill each other. No, there was like a there was a thr three-year period where it was touch and go. Wow. We were like, hmm, maybe maybe this won't work out. Yeah. But then um my nono died and they inherited a bunch of money. Oh yeah, money always makes things better. Save the merch. And they love each other and they make each other laugh. But they did also go to couples therapy for the whole time. And that helped a ton.

SPEAKER_01

If you're going to the right therapist, it helps. I've been to some that are so horrible. It's like, yeah, it's it's just well, they uh you know, some of them side with one person or it's just you can't do that. You know, it's but w so you became a comedian, so there has to be some stuff that like you know, people don't I I I used to teach comedy. I don't know if you knew that. I taught for 12 years. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, at Gotham. Like I was right. So I taught a bunch of Amy Schumer took my class. Like it's crazy, right? Christy Stefano. And I used to peep sometimes a girl would come in and be like, I'm so excited for the class. Um, my boyfriend, and I'm like, You're too okay to be a comedian. Like you need to go through some major trauma, and then you'll be very funny.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

unknown

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

What drew you to stand up?

SPEAKER_00

Well, I I was this is I never had stage fright.

SPEAKER_01

I did. Holy shit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I never had it. Why do you think? That's rare. I mean, I was always like making speeches in classes. I was always a class clown, stuff like that. Always acting up. I was also kind of dumb, you know. I was like a jock and stuff, and so like, you know, but I was not stupid, but I was just kind of like, duh, you know, I'll try it. Yeah, I'll try it. Why not? Like, so nice. Like I moved to New York just on a whim. Like, I literally Googled top 10 art schools in the country and then just applied to all of them. And then I only got into this one.

SPEAKER_01

So I was like, yes, I'm going to New York. Yeah, that's awesome though, to live like that. My mom went to Pratt. Really? Yeah, she's an art therapist.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I went for uh photography and video performance.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, cool. Yeah. That's awesome. Is it I mean it because now we're doing this. So it's like I went to be for psychology, I went for a master's. I'm like, look at me now. Yeah. Like it's unbelievable. I didn't need any of it. Yeah, chicken tenders in fucking Wyoming. Like it's really sad life.

SPEAKER_00

It can be. It can be. It can be a sad life. Uh but I think it would have been for me sadder if I had stayed with art because I wasn't good at it. Really trying. Really trying.

SPEAKER_01

How did you get in it?

SPEAKER_00

Did you have someone else do the paintings? No, it was photography and like you know, and they were beautiful photographs. And they I think I they must have just ignored my essays because the ride-out was bad. A duppet. Have you guys heard of a duppet? I want to be a duppet. This is my nono.

SPEAKER_01

He's a duppet. I love it so much. So you were in art school. When did you decide to do comedy?

SPEAKER_00

Well, uh, I always wanted to try it, but I thought you had to go to school for it. I thought you had because I had like listened to some podcasts, and I was like, oh, Conan O'Brien went to Harvard. Right. And that's the only way to do comedy. That is oh yeah. That's so stupid. No, I mean And then I went to and then I also had a very unsupportive partner. Oh. Um who, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And so He just didn't believe in you doing it, didn't support you? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Well I asked him, I was like, I think I want to try comedy. And he goes, Well, I think you're entertaining, not necessarily funny.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And I was like, was he like a self-involved, egotistical narcissist? Oh my god. Yeah. I wonder if I dated him.

SPEAKER_00

Might have. Was he wearing a fedora? What? I was a different person. A fedora?

SPEAKER_01

Honestly, a fedora would make me never want to have sex again. I mean. Were you constantly dry? I just a fedora's a lot.

SPEAKER_00

I'm sorry if some of you wear a fedora, but that's a lot. A fedora, uh, you know, the bowler hats. He would wear like just a bunch of bad hats because he was self-conscious about going bald in the back.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I should wear one. No. Um You've got plenty of hair. No, it's not. Really? Well, it's okay. It's um I I'm covering stuff up, but stress makes you yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So oh, that's interesting. So he didn't well, I I think some of these people, whether it's men or women, just don't want to see you rise. You know, that and that's very power. Some people men, a lot of men, um, can't handle a powerful woman.

SPEAKER_04

No.

SPEAKER_01

That's what we deal with, I believe, when we're on stage. Yeah. Sometimes with men. It's like, yeah, they're like, shut up. Don't have a voice, you know. Yes.

SPEAKER_00

And I was just in New Hampshire and it was literally the only people shouting out were men. What were they saying? They were just like trying to help, quote unquote. And I was like, You think I you paid to see this.

SPEAKER_01

You think I don't know what I'm doing? Right. And you work your fucking ass off. I'm serious. Like you're seasoned, so it's it's incredible. It's like you're and you kill on stage.

SPEAKER_00

So it's they're watching that and they still feel like they need to they need to interject, they need to be like, they're trying to do callbacks to and then I'm like that is that is that isn't what even what the joke was about. What are you doing? I know. But they know You weren't listening. Yeah, being on the road is is it hard for you or I right now I like it because this is the first time I've ever had people there. Right. So I'm like, wow. Yeah. This is what it's like when they like you already.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, right, right. I mean, we were just talking about that. It's like people, I don't of course, how are they gonna know, but they don't get what we do. Like we start in fucking like delis. Yes. And I performed in a laundromat every Wednesday on Seventh Avenue. There were like two homeless people who didn't even speak English. And I was and there was a little amp, and I'm like, Hi, how are you? Like, I wasn't even funny yet. And I ended up doing people's laundry, and um I couldn't make you laugh, so I'll fold a shirt. I'm so sorry. Yeah, it was we go through hell for many years. And you're from that generation who really worked hard. It's not like that now. No, now it's not.

SPEAKER_00

It is very much um it the social media has taken over. I know. And I feel so bad for them. Yeah because they don't have a chance to be bad, you know. I know. They ha feel like they have the they have to be good, they have to put stuff out, they have to get a following, and it's like, no, no, no, just be b bad for like five years.

SPEAKER_01

Well, it's very important to be bad for five years because what happens is they have huge followings. They'll sell out a club. I hear this from so many club owners and people in theaters, and they'll the people will come and then they bomb like now they have to do forty five minutes to an hour, and people just saw them do five minutes online.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So I I really I really think you have to go through a lot as a comedian to get really, really good.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Yeah. You have to and it's also it's reps. It's it's the same with sports, you know, you just have to do it over and over and over and over again. Yeah. And uh that's that's not really happening with these these younger kids. Yeah. These whores. These whores. These whores are dirty whores. Whores for the social media.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's very different than it was. Um I and I I just when you do it like we do, like travel all over the country and you show up to these clubs for a very long time where there's like literally 30 people on each show. You're doing four or five shows in a weekend. First you start as a host, then there's a middle, a feature, and then headliner, and you don't get paid at all. Like basically it's just whatever you make goes towards your travel. Yeah, you break even. You break even. You break even. Right. So you're just poor for a long time. And then you end up sucking dick like both of us did. Yes. Just to get like to not live in a fucking and then and then you do it again just to feel.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Yeah. Hit my gag reflex. I'm trying to make my numbers.

SPEAKER_01

Are you into gagging?

SPEAKER_00

No.

SPEAKER_01

Really? No. I I used to watch women do that in porn, like look like they're gonna die.

SPEAKER_00

Like Whenever I watch porn, I think of mom.

SPEAKER_01

Sometimes I think of my grandmother, you know, when I'm watching anal. Jesus Christ, I need help.

SPEAKER_00

You never know when the memories pop up.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, just those sounds like you know, sometimes there's a sound that really reminds me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um what kind of porn do you watch? Do you watch it? Um Yeah, I watch porn. I like um I it's gonna sound crazy.

SPEAKER_01

I just said that I liked watching women gag on dick.

SPEAKER_00

So Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I like it. I like DP. I like a woman becoming like a little finger trap. You know what I mean? Wait, what the fuck is that? It's it's when it's two guys, one girl, and like one goes in the mouth, one goes in. Oh yeah, I I like that too. It's just a little Chinese finger trap. I like that. Is it because you it's what is that? It's probably honestly it's the sound. I like the sounds that it makes.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I know. I'm into sounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

It's like she she can't talk. She can't think. You just hear like I literally have a joke where I say, I want to get pounded, fisted, skewered, whatever, just fill every hole so I can't think. Skewer is amazing. And then people don't laugh.

SPEAKER_01

And then it's good when they're good when they switch.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Like the one in the front goes to the back. Yeah. And the one at the tag.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah, when they go.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's like a sporting event. It is.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It reminds me of my father.

SPEAKER_00

Had a girl, Kate!

SPEAKER_01

I've said this so many times, but my dad was so he'd be like, You fucking hit the ball. Because I was an athlete. Yeah. Yeah. What'd you play? Tennis, soccer, lacrosse, and volleyball. Yeah. The big gaze. The big gaze. Badminton. I was a ballerina. Um, yeah, I I like what you're saying. Back to the porn. Okay. Yeah, I need to talk about that. Okay. I think it's so funny. Have you ever been with two guys? No. You want to, right? I'd be open to it, but also You would be open.

SPEAKER_00

I'd be wide open. Very I mean, you would miss the point. Yeah. Yeah. Open me, make me a dupping in the front and the back.

SPEAKER_01

What if it was just an ug in the bat in the front and then a guy with a thick dick in the back? I mean, God bless.

SPEAKER_00

You and Fortune Theme Star are like, you really could do it with the ladies. And I'm like, Because she told me she was like, there are some lesbians who don't want you to go down on them. Because that's where I get stuck. That's where everyone says that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, there's some that don't.

SPEAKER_01

And I've tried. I've I've I've Have you gone down there? I I've touched. Oh, with your hand? With my hand. So nothing with the mouth.

SPEAKER_00

Nothing with the mouth.

SPEAKER_01

I can't do it with the mouth. Just you could just put toothpaste all over your mouth and then just go down and then she'll get tingly and you won't really taste anything. But it's really fine. I'm sure it is.

SPEAKER_00

And I'm sure for the right person, it would be I'd be really into it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. But um I That's a lot though. I if you're not into it, to just go down there is a lot. And some women, like when they don't shave, it's it's like there and when there's a big bush, it's a lot because like there's bugs and it's Bugs. Yeah, and then you get like hair, like and then there's yeah, there's a it's just really Tarzan. There's so many things down there that can be a turn off.

SPEAKER_00

And also it's with men, it's very straightforward. This round peg, square hole, you know, like it's just yeah, in and out, in out, you know. Right. Yeah. It's very like to the point. Yeah. With women, it's very different. It's very straightforward.

SPEAKER_01

You wouldn't be into a strap-on, right? Oh, I would love it. Someone to use a strap on on you. Or vice versa. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

That would be so fun.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I want to peg someone. That would be great.

SPEAKER_00

This is the second podcast I've said I want to peg someone.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I think it's important to put it out there. I really believe in like when you when you put out thoughts that can happen. Like you my mom always said, because she's a therapist, you know, if you intend on it, you can make it happen. So you should just intend on pegging. Okay. All right. I would like to peg. Peg a a guy. Or a girl. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I think you should try a strap on. But Okay. Yeah. But I gotta find I mean, it's literally finding the people is the hard part. Right. Do you think I have to do the dating apps? I'm telling all my friends to set me up with their own. I've did that too. It doesn't it doesn't work. I know. Yeah, because they all because I'm in my 30s, and so all of their friends that are in their 30s are all taken. They're all married, you know. And so I gotta go out there and just I gotta, I gotta go on the apps. I have to say I want this and this. But right now I just want to fuck. I just want to find some I want to fucking. You might get someone from this show.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of gay men. Yeah. Um, there's some Jews. Uh I don't know if you care about it. I'm out!

SPEAKER_00

No, I'm kidding. I don't want a career in show business.

SPEAKER_01

There's some there's some Jewish guys here you could peg, you know. Yeah. Yeah. They'll be like, Peg me harder.

SPEAKER_00

Peg me harder. Well, here's the thing. I've put it out there, and then the men who are like, you could peg me, I'm looking at them and I'm like, uh it's never the ones you want.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Is it like a middle-aged you know, bald guy? Not that that's not okay. No, that's totally fine.

SPEAKER_00

It's the um it's the ones with the anime as the picture. Oh. Set to private, and you're like, I don't know what you look like, but it can't be good.

SPEAKER_01

They've pegged, they've pegged a cat. Yeah, those people are fucking weird. Yeah. I love when they go off on me. I'm like, I know everyone said this, but says this, but I'm like, you're a 15-year-old guy in, you know, just in your mom's house who has not been laid, who's jealous.

SPEAKER_00

And I had one guy. The DMs have been crazy. And this one, I sent, you know, Stef Tolov. Yeah, of course. I love her. So I'm trying to get dating advice from her, you know, because she puts it out there. Yeah. You know, she's like, she's not afraid to go up to a guy and be like, I want to fuck you, you know. And now she has a a boyfriend who she loves very much. I know, it's great. And so I'm like, that's the trajectory I want, you know. Yeah. So uh I sent her one. I was like, this one guy, he got um, he literally was like, I wish you were around so I could ask you out on a date. And then I posted, and I didn't respond to it, you know, because that's weird. And then uh maybe like a month later, I posted a picture of myself in a bikini being like, come to whatever, Houston, I'm in a pool, whatever. And he goes, Don't be one of those ugly girls who thinks they're hot. Stay humble. And I was like, Do you think I can't see the first message? I know. You think I'm hot.

SPEAKER_01

I don't, you know, I I think it's important for people to hear me say this. I have never understood people who are mean-spirited. Yes. I know that sounds very like general, but I really don't get it. Yeah. I know that people are damaged and they're not well and da-da-da. But like it's really uh crazy to me when I get hate because I would never, even if I couldn't stand someone, yeah, write such horrible things, and it it doesn't affect me anymore. It did many years from years. I mean, I'm in my 27th year, so it's like, but I mean, sometimes it does when it's something that really hits home. Like a while ago, this guy just kept going after me, and then he sent a message. He's like, Oh, I see that you're not selling well in Virginia, I'm so glad, and then put a picture of the seating map. My God. Because that's crazy. I know. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, do you get a lot of hate? Now you must be anymore because you were just on a TV show, or not yet. Not yet. Well, the bigger you get, the more hate you get. I mean, really, unless you're like fucking someone like Betty, what's her name? The one that croaked? White. Yeah, Betty White. Betty White. Um, dub it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, she was a whore? No, I just made that up. I bet she was because she was so sweet and kind. Yeah, she probably wanted to. Like that's a facade. She got finger trapped. Yeah, she probably was very into anal. Yeah. Yeah. Just want to feel while she was baking a pie, just have someone fuck her ass.

SPEAKER_00

That would be great. Yeah. Just trying to crump the edges. That would be great. You're rolling. Yeah. Um yeah, people are really real. It's uh I've been I've I choose to focus on all the love that I've been getting. It's good. I also uh learned a long time ago not to look at the comments. I don't either. I barely ever. And uh especially with the show, because it was a competition. Uh-and so if you saw I I literally they were all reading in the green room, they're all reading it, and they're like, they like this birthday. And I was like, I can't. You have to stop. I won't. You can't do that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It's really um uh being on a comedy competition is is tough. Yeah. And I'm so glad that you made it so far because it's really how many were there in the beginning?

SPEAKER_00

I mean, I think each city had like had like 20. Wow. I think it was like over they over a thousand people auditioned. Wow. And then it went down like to live auditions. I think there was like 20 each city, and then it went from 18 to 10 to and then from 10 it went to eight, six, and four.

unknown

Wow.

SPEAKER_00

So I made it to the top four. That's it. Which is great. Look at my dumb face. You look great there. Thank you. You really do. I appreciate it. But it was uh it yeah, those are I love them, me, Usama and Ridge. But uh it was really, really fun. Like we all trauma bonded. Yeah. You know? Yeah. But we all dealt with stress in very different ways. Of course. I because I also, oh, you might like this. I also got doxxed by the whole country of Kurdistan. Oh my. What happened? So I learned from that not to read the comment, you know. Um, well, I did a crowd work clip of four or five years ago when it first got past. I know this is what happens. I mean, and I was just talking to a guy who looked Italian and he was drinking wine. I was like, Oh, are you Italian? And he goes, No, I'm Kurdish. And I go, What's that? He's like, I'm from Kurdistan. And I was like, Oh, where's that? And he goes, Well, you actually don't have a land. And I was like, Oh, a man without a land. And uh they lost their mind. Isn't this amazing? It was crazy.

SPEAKER_01

Wait, what does he mean they don't have a land? Well, okay because I want to get canceled.

SPEAKER_00

So I want to say stuff about a lot of people have been explaining this to me. Um so they uh got separated into four different sects. Um it was basically the US, uh uh, but yeah, it's like yeah, Iraq. Um yeah, and uh Iraq, Afghanistan, and uh somewhere else. Syria and Turkey? Yeah, and uh so it's four different sects uh of people, and so they got their land taken away from you and it's separated uh into these four different quadrants.

SPEAKER_01

Wow.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, but they do have a leader. Um who's the leader? I don't know. You're gonna be really mad at it. Is it Lindsay Graham? It's AOC. Yeah. The last person. Oh yeah. Brazini. Bra Barzani. How do you say Barzani? Nachum Gavan. Is his name Bronzino? Wait, what's please? I can't have this country come after me again. Well, this is the best thing. Yeah, me too. I love the Kurds. Me too. They're wonderful people. Go, Kurds! I mean, some of them were very nice. You know, they would send me a message and be like, just so you know, this is what it is. Yeah. And then some of them were like, death to bitch comes nut. I'm like, okay. I just don't know. I didn't know.

SPEAKER_01

It's really unbelievable what people get upset about. Like, people are so fucking sick. It's that to me, with all these people coming after you for that, is so people don't realize the shit we say on the top, like out of nowhere, having a conversation in the moment. Like, stop trying to analyze it so much. We're just fucking clowns. We're just clowns. Yeah, we're not, we're not, we don't mean anything by it. We're just trying to say something funny so we can get the attention we didn't get as children.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. And I'm literally talking to this guy, and I'm literally like, when you do crowd work, you have to like think what's first comes into your head. Yeah. I can't be like, oh, Kurdistan, of course. Like, oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Uh-huh. The population is the best food. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And I already said I'm not smart. I'm not a smart person. Right. You can say you're dumb.

SPEAKER_01

They expect so much from us.

SPEAKER_00

It's it's incredible. It was wild. But someone took that clip that I posted five years ago that got a little bit of hate back then. Yeah. Well, they took it, and then they re-I don't know what subtitles they put underneath it, but it's in Arabic. And they put it in black and white. And they say, a man without a land it goes dun dun. And it like blood comes down. The clip is crazy. I was not. I was like, no wonder they're mad at me. It's insane, but they added music to it. Oh my God. It's so funny. And then, and then I just all of my comments, like, like on my TikTok. It was only on TikTok that this happened. It was all just two plus two equals one, which means the two sex and two sex equals one. And then this is Kurtis Dan, you ignorant bitch. You ignorant. Isn't it shocking?

SPEAKER_01

It's shocking. I get dumb American a lot. I get dumb American. And you know what? I might be. And people get fixated, like psychotic, where they don't let it go. They'll harass you. Oh yeah. And with me, it's always like, I just want to like ruin their life. It's so enraging that they're like harassing people. I've, you know, I but it it looks so crazy if I respond. So I have not responded. That's good. 90% of the time. Sometimes I've lost it and just um responded to people. But I see I'll respond to the nice people.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Like if you're nice and like the Kurdish people who reached out to me were like, hey, this is what this is, and you know, this is what they're saying, but I don't think that's what you meant. And I'm like, thank you so much. I appreciate you listing this. And but like, yeah, I basically blocked the entire country of Curtis. Was that like the first the entire all every sect? I blocked that guy. I blocked everybody. Everybody's blocked. I'm blocked in them too. Kurdistan, and I block, block, block, block, block.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I don't blame you. Yeah. It's really crazy. It is. I and and people, what was is was that your first experience with like crazy shit on the internet?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that was my first like nut so. I've always gotten like death threats and you know.

SPEAKER_01

I love that you're saying it so it's amazing. I've always gotten death threats, but you know, I don't really b get for that. But you're as women in comedy, that's just I've got it's like it's just it's part of the gig.

SPEAKER_00

I'm having an opinion on the internet as a woman with tits. And power. And power.

SPEAKER_01

And you're fucking funny. The funnier you are, the more I know. They hate it. I know. Yeah. It's really I'll tell you.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

The first time I dealt with it was I did comedy competition, Last Comic Standing. A lot of people don't even know what that was.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But it was a long time ago. Um, I don't even remember what year it was, 1820. I can't remember, but I Fox was still going.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But I was performing on a stagecoach, and uh in average and George Washington was in the audience.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, he was actually the light guy. He was holding up the lantern. Yeah, I know, I killed.

SPEAKER_01

So um, yeah, the thing is, is like I did this comedy competition and it was very intense. Um Jay Moore was the host of it. I was on this where they saw tons of people, and then I was called back uh to like basically let me talk back let me backtrack. Okay. The first audition I did was at the comic strip in New York City. I had to do three minutes and the two judges were there, and um, they were the bookers of the tonight show. Oh wow. And I didn't know them. Yeah. And I went up and went fucking crazy on stage. And I was like in the camera going, put me out like just insane.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And they were dying laughing.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Like I never I don't say this unless it's true. They were really laughing hard. And then I finished and I was panicked. Like I remember holding onto the mic like this, and a producer went up to them and whispered something in their ear. And all of a sudden they looked at me and they were like, that was horrible. This is really a true story. No, that was horrible. That I mean, we see some potential, but that and I'm thinking, Am I on fucking acid right now? Like I just saw them laughing so hard, and uh they just I couldn't even believe it. I was in shock. And they're like, Well, we'll we'll see you later tonight anyway. You know, we'll give you another chance. And I was like, what the fuck just happened? Yeah. And then I got a call that week from one of the guys who was the judge, and he said, I'm so sorry that happened. Please keep this between us. And I did for many, many, many years. But he's like, We were the producer came over and told us we were too being too nice. This is when I first saw the business for what it was. And I was like, Okay, but what happened was you put that clip of me not like it looked like I didn't do well.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And then your comments to me, and I got attacked online. That was the first time really attacked. Like there were boards of just men, like it was so extreme, and I was in shock. Yeah. I was I never covered. That's not what happened. That's not the truth. Right. And then I went, um, I made it to the finals. I flew to perform at Caesars in Vegas with like Jim Norton, Marina Franklin, all these people, and Dan Natterman, and we went and did Caesars, and we some of us fucking ripped the room apart.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And there were judges, like um, I I don't even remember who they were, but like famous Brett Butler, like famous comedians, and we killed, and the producer chose the people to be in it. So a bunch of us that ripped the room apart from New York didn't get on the show. And the judges, this was on television, they were so pissed they walked out really on the show.

SPEAKER_04

Wow.

SPEAKER_01

They were like, You didn't choose people we chose, you just choose who you wanted. Dang. Mm-hmm. So they all the people that won, and some of them did great, but they they went into a house or whatever. Yeah. And I just remember flying back going, What what just happened? Yeah. Like, this is insane. And then they went into season two, and Bonnie McFarland didn't want to keep doing the show. So they the producers called me back on. This is so crazy. And I flew to LA and I performed, and they literally kicked me off the first season. Oh my god. I I know this is crazy. I was like, you flew me all the way here, made a huge deal about it on the show. Yeah. That I was being called back, that she didn't want to do it, and then you boot me off right away, the first episode. And that's when I really got and it just affected me a lot online. Of course. And that's the first time I really saw this business is especially reality shows are not.

SPEAKER_00

Not real. Yeah. It's not actual reality. It's a reality that they're creating.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Like you could watch people don't know that you could watch a reality show and a person on the show goes like this. Yeah. That could have been a face they made a month prior. Yeah. It could have been about something completely different.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Betty White's getting anal. Oh. And then they just put it be like that one joke about shoes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But I think Betty liked it. I think she did too. Yeah. I think she loved it. Yeah, the more interesting than someone is, the more they like anal.

SPEAKER_00

Honestly, who doesn't? Doesn't like it. Do you like? I've never. I think I've done it like a hand twice.

SPEAKER_01

I love that it went from I've never to I think I've done it twice. I've tried to think about it and I'm like, but you might not remember. I've been in blackouts where I don't even know what hole they were in. Like the next morning, I'm like, oh, I guess they went in my ear. You know? It's like something's hurting me. I'm like, oh. Sticky. Was that my ears bleeding?

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I told him before I blacked out, no ear stuff. Yeah. No, I've definitely had sex in a blackout. And then years later during during Me Too, I was like, oh, that was crazy. You just described my college.

SPEAKER_01

Like if you're going to meet at least take me to like even Starbucks. I'm not. Take me to Sizzler. Give me a buffet. I'm a red lobster. Right. You should give me a buffet if that's going to happen.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, God, the audacity of these men. Yeah, it was there's a lot of things. It was a man, right? It was a man. It was a man. I bet you it was a man. I think some, yeah. You know how hard it is to put on a strap on and then they have too much time to get away.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's really, that's really it takes a lot. It does, it's a big for me, it took forever. I mean, the person could take a nap, they could have a meal. It took me a long time to get that thing away.

SPEAKER_00

Can you can you get this thing?

SPEAKER_01

Can you adjust me before I ruin your life?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Or traumatize you for all eternity.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Do you mind?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And by the way, that's not why I'm gay. I was gay a long time before that. Okay, good. Yeah. Yeah, I really was. I I was a complete tomboy, and yeah. It was but that doesn't always mean you're gonna be a lesbian.

SPEAKER_00

No, because I was a tomboy too, but I was I was always obsessed with boys. Always. Yeah. Yeah. I love I mean, I really wish I wasn't. I go to therapy about it. That you're just trying to become gay? No, no. I'm trying. Like I I think about like boys and having sex all the time. I like one of my biggest.

SPEAKER_01

So it's hard. Oh yeah, so it's hard. I mean, it's hard for to meet people.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. It's hard. Especially after this podcast comes out.

SPEAKER_01

Well, there I think there's gonna be a bunch of guys with thick dicks. I sure hope so. Don't send me pictures. But oh God, don't send them to me. Yes! Because I love Filter through. I really I know it's weird because I'm a lesbian, but I love getting no! Okay. I say this in my act, but I did it, I you know, I didn't love sleeping with guys, of course, but it's not like I'm repulsed by men. Yeah, I liked sucking dick because I'm an eater.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So I like and I, you know, and I don't chew. I literally just don't even take bites of something. I slam it in. Yeah, yeah. So I don't mind that feeling you know. The semen was too much.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, see, I I just don't even remember. It's been so long. I don't even know what it's been seven months, eight months since I've had sex. Which is the longest I've ever gone since I started having sex.

SPEAKER_01

Wow, when did you start?

SPEAKER_00

18.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I started a little later too. Yeah. Yeah. Some of my friends were like fucking whores. I mean really.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I was jealous of those people. Yeah. Yeah. I was always a confidence issue. Like even today, I still like this is the best I've ever looked, and I still have this like a problem with confidence. I was like, oh, they wouldn't even look at me. Oh, they wouldn't even know.

SPEAKER_01

I am the exact same way. It's so hard. It's so hard. I don't I don't know. I don't know what kind of work you have to do. Yeah. Like I've done so much work on myself, but it's like, I don't know. I kind of accepted that I never will feel that way. And it's freeing.

SPEAKER_00

It's like you know what I mean? I'll never have the conf. There was a guy on the train today, and I was like, just walk up to him and say hi. He's so he's exactly your type. Oh. And I'm sitting there and be like, no, no, no, no, no. You haven't showered. You're an ugly people and you're rolling over your jeans. You're this, you're that, you know. And I'm like, why is that the voice that comes to head? And why not? Hey, your tits are out. That's pretty good. You got a new shirt.

SPEAKER_01

I know, and it's amazing when people are like, because I just caught myself doing that with you. I just want to tell you I was gonna be like, you're beautiful. But I hate when people do that to me. Yeah. Like, why wouldn't someone be attracted to you?

SPEAKER_00

I know it's in my brain. I'm like, I know I'm attractive. Like that comment didn't upset me. It's like, stay humble. I know I'm pretty, you know? Yeah. Then why don't I have that when it's like, oh, I want that. I want that thing, but I'm like, I can't possibly be good enough for that thing.

SPEAKER_01

Where do you think that comes from? I mom, no. Does it? Because mine comes from m my dad. Yeah. And I think it's also like I think it's just that negative voice that I've had my whole life. Like, you're not good enough. You're why would anyone love you?

SPEAKER_00

Well, I know my mom I had a good mom. My mom was always like, You're very beautiful, you know. Um, she had her own weight stuff that sometimes would get projected onto me. Yeah, yeah. Um, and I honestly, as a grown woman, now I'm like, yeah, how could it not? You know, it's all fear-based. You know, it's her anxiety. Like, I don't want you to be fat, so I'm saying these things. Yeah. You know, to because I don't like my body, and so I'm putting that in the same way. So I see what that is completely. Yeah and I don't hate her for it. Uh obviously, I love my mom, but it's uh but now like I do, it's the little remnants of things like sports was a big thing of that. Money, I get very money insecure. People who have a lot of money and I don't, I get very insecure about that. That's very common. Yeah. It's but that that comes from childhood because I was the the poor kid on the rich kids' soccer team. Oh, really? You know, because I was a good at soccer, so I would play with all these, I would have to drive 45 minutes to go play with the this soccer team in Palo Alto, which is all very rich. Yeah, that's hard. And they would just talk they were just wearing Abercrombie as if it was just like a throwaway, and I saved up all my money to buy one shirt. You know what I mean? Yeah. So it's always that, and then whenever I get like a little bit of money, I'm like, I'm gonna I'm gonna go to Abercrombie. You know, I could buy those shirts now too. So fuck you, Amanda. Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I know. I get it. I mean, I think that some of us are just first of all, it's so common for women, and it's very common for men. People don't realize it a lot. Like a lot of guys judge themselves constantly. Um, but I I really, you know, I my dad was very loving, the funniest person I've ever known, but he was critical. Yeah. And he was he could say things that were insane. Yeah. Like insanely mean. Really? Yeah. Yeah. So it's hard to get that out of your brain. You know, it's really, really hard. I'm the opposite with my children. Yeah. I mean, I'm so loving and positive and just more like overdo it because I just think it's so important because it really shapes who you are.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Yeah. I would say so. I think that's why I did sports so much, was because I was good at it, and that's where all the praise came from. Right. You know, and that's my body's ability. So now I just put all this stock in my body. Yeah. Just like if I don't have apps, I'm nothing. Yeah. I know.

SPEAKER_01

Does it does it affect you? Because I when I started doing comedy, it's when I really felt like I belonged. It was like the first time in my life that I really like I never felt like I belonged in the like lesbian community ever. Really? Ever. Yeah. I mean, I I love I just didn't I always felt like I wasn't butch enough or I was I don't know. It just was very hard for me to get. I mean, I have a lot of les lesbian friends, but I I was more in like the gay male circuit. Yeah. Um and then like with the Jewish stuff, I wasn't religious. I was brought up very non-religious. And uh I don't know. I just and a lot of since I've been out for so many years, like it's it's obviously it's a religion thing with the people who are very religious, it's not easy for me. Yeah. With the judgment and all that shit. Um but with comedy, I really felt like I fit in. Like these people are just like me.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Yeah. I felt that too. Because with sports and with art, when I did art, it was always I was trying so hard. Yeah. Trying so hard. And then I did comedy and I was like, it was like a huh. Yeah. I had that moment when I moved to New York too. I moved to New York and I was like, oh, this is where I'm supposed to be. Oh, that's good. You know, and then I did started doing comedy and I was like, Yes, okay. This is and I even told my mom, I was like, I'm doing comedy. You know, I thought she was gonna be really upset, and she was like, Oh, finally. Oh, that's it. She was like, uh, you're finally using all your skills, all your natural skills.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's my parents were very supportive too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's it's good to be that supportive. I'm like that with my kids. Like, I will always support them unless unless they wanna be that thing, you know, where you get the one and the uh no, let them do it.

SPEAKER_00

They gotta learn. Yeah, if they like it.

SPEAKER_01

They're all different. There's four girls, and they're all like one of my kids. I'm like, and I've said this to my ex and we laugh about it. I'm like, she's gonna have the worst boyfriends in town. She is gonna be the one that brings home the guy that we just can't as long as he's not boring. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, even if he's a crackhead, as long as he's give me something to talk about.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

No one wants a snooze fest. I love it. Yeah, it's true. Uh, really quick, Zach, do we have time for a game? Yeah, we can do that real quick.

SPEAKER_03

Would you like to I would love to play a game with you?

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Basically, these are uh different people that have been arrested throughout uh over the past couple of months, and um I'll give you kind of what went down, and you tell me what's going on here. So, this first person is convicted January 6th rioter Zachary Alam, who was pardoned last year for breaking into the Capitol, has now been sentenced to seven years in jail after breaking into his own family's home and ransacking the place.

SPEAKER_00

Wow! How the mighty have fallen.

SPEAKER_03

What's going on here?

SPEAKER_01

Wait, is that the guy oh with the fucking hat?

SPEAKER_03

Same guy.

SPEAKER_01

Same guy with the hat. Yep. Hat man. Yeah, well, first of all, the hat is hot. You like like physically hot or turn on. But that could switch me. Really? Yeah, seeing a guy in that hot hat could make me never want to be with women again. I mean, see, that's that's the last pussy I saw. That's how much hair was on it. So it's not a big thing. No wonder why you don't want to go down on a woman. I mean, that's first of all, it's not even that it's just a lot of hair, it's the cut. Yeah. Yeah, it's a little real a mutton chop situation. Yeah. That's interesting. Um first of all, uh he wasn't the guy. No, he's not the guy that had the hat. The horns. Oh, the horns, right.

SPEAKER_00

The horn guy? Is that the horn guy? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

No, the horn guy. Not the horn guy. No, anyway. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah. And then Betty White.

SPEAKER_01

Betty White Everyone might not know this, but Betty White was at January 6th. She was. Yeah. Yeah. She was getting railed. She was She was getting rail each. One horn each. Literally. Uh oh, that's that guy. Okay. Okay. Was he with this guy? Like, is this like I mean, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00

I just thought it was that guy.

SPEAKER_01

But the other guy is No, it's the other guy, but it's the same kind of, you know, style. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I would say he is if that's their family home, that's crazy. Uh maybe he's making a speech outside the courthouse. Is that what he's doing?

SPEAKER_03

I believe this picture in the background is the Capitol, and this was him on January 6th. Oh. And then this is his mugshot after being arrested at his family's home for ransacking.

SPEAKER_00

I love that he has a little beauty mark.

unknown

You know.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I didn't know if that was feces, because they did throw feces all over. No. No, they weren't yeah, they shit and throw smeared feces on um on the walls.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god, these people are barbarians.

SPEAKER_01

I know. I'm like, bring some tissues with you. Like I get if you have to wipe your I mean, I could not wipe myself with my hand. I would just let it be there. I would rather die. Yeah, I'd be like, I would just I would just be squishy. Yeah, me too. I would smell, I don't care. I'm not Zach, don't judge. What would you do? What would you do? If wait, am I the one shit and didn't have toilet paper or anything to wipe it with? You're not better than us. No.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, is a sink present? No. No, nothing's present. Am I in the woods? Where am I at? You're at the Capitol.

SPEAKER_01

You're in temple. Well, then there's gotta be a book somewhere. A book? Yeah, you could use the Constitution. Yeah, use the Constitution. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I oh so he broke into his parents. He looked somber like a fucking victim in that picture. That's what's annoying me. Yeah. Like, I shouldn't have gotten into trouble. Yeah. Yeah. It's my family home.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Just as immediately after he was pardoned, he did the exact same thing. That's shocking. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

That was shocking that he didn't get in trouble and did something again. Yeah. That's very similar.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my God. It's like almost like they're not learning a lesson.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Who pardoned him? Betty White? I'm so obsessed with her right now. Who bar who pardoned him?

SPEAKER_02

Oh God, this guy again. Yeah, I would imagine. I don't I don't know who pardoned him, but I would imagine Trump. I have a really good question.

SPEAKER_01

I know what you're gonna say, Caitlin. I have a very good question. Okay, tell me. And I love doing this. If you had to fuck one of those two guys, don't say it yet. Okay. Um you have to. You there's n you either you either pick one of them or you're gonna be killed. Okay. Which one is it and why? Um horn guy. I knew you were gonna say that. Of course horn guy. I like chest hair. Really? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And that guy looks like he works out, you know.

SPEAKER_01

I've been with some women with chest hair. It doesn't really bother me. No. Um just one, like in the middle of it, I just pluck it. I can't deal with it. Oh, that's him. Yeah. Yeah, he's nice looking. He's nice looking. Yeah. You'd have to keep the horns on, though. I'll tell you that much. Well, I'm surprised they came off because isn't he Jewish? Because Jewish people have horns.

SPEAKER_00

And they control the weather. I think.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Can you make it a little warmer, please, Jessica?

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Um, just because he's harder. Zach. He's just hotter. Zach, you have to choose one. You have to. There's no you have I know you're not gay, but you have to. Or else you're gonna get killed.

SPEAKER_03

Like I mean, there's no Horn Guy, he was a leader. Yeah. And he, you know, he also looks like he works out. He looks driven.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Um he was one of the first ones in the door, so you know, you you like a natural-born leader.

SPEAKER_01

That's so fascinating. I d yeah. Which one do you like? Um God, it's they're both so hot. I don't know which one. The horns are a little aggressive to me. Oh, aggressive. Yeah, it's I mean you want a sensual lover. Yeah, I mean, it does kind of look like a menorah, so it's a little familiar. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I you know what? I mean, it depends what, because if I could be very aggressive with them. Like if I could really top one of them and be like violent, it would be the one uh that that guy. Yeah, no, he's like if I could smash his head into a wall. It looks like he wants that right now. Right. That's what I mean. There's something about stay out of this reality. Yeah, there's something about topping him and making like choking him to death, or something. The other guy, it's too like it might be a battle. Oh, I see.

SPEAKER_00

See, I'm so horned up, I didn't even think about that. I was just like, better body.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. You're like, chest hair, yeah. Yeah.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, is there another one's at? Yeah, we got one more.

SPEAKER_03

A Colorado man has been charged with vandalism after allegedly cutting down ten pickleball nets after he was injured playing the sport a few days before. When asked why he did it, he told reporters his summer was ruined.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, what a selfish prick.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, this is good for you because you're an athlete. I mean, I was a huge athlete too. Now I can barely get out of bed.

SPEAKER_00

If I can't play pickleball, no one can play pickleball.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, typical man. Why is he on crutches? Because that that's how he was injured a few days prior, and then he took it back out. If I can't have fun, no one else can, and he cut down all the pickleball nets.

SPEAKER_01

What a real piece of shit. This is really I people are so fucking crazy. Yeah. That's like me, like, if I get hurt and can't perform, like if I hurt my back, then I'm just gonna like like put burn down den clubs. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Stand up live has to be. If I can't just stand up, no one can. Cut all the microphone cords.

SPEAKER_01

Is that what you're doing? Yeah. What kind of Jesus. That's exactly what it would be cutting the microphone cords. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

What did he get in trouble? Well, he's charged with vandalism. Um, I don't know what sentence that holds with it.

SPEAKER_01

Well, he's in Florida and he's not white, so he's going away for a life, lifetime.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's probably his third strike. That's they'll try and make up other two and just yeah. Well, no.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Feed him to the gators. Yeah. Gaitors. Gators. Yeah, I mean, that's really unbelievable. I mean, people are just so unhinged now.

SPEAKER_00

And also it couldn't have been easy. He's got one leg and he's cutting down pickleball nets. That had to take a while.

SPEAKER_01

Just gimping around. I thought the same thing, unless he has like a jazzy, you know, one of those, like um those are great.

SPEAKER_00

What's a jazzy?

SPEAKER_01

And how old are we? It's like a wheelchair. Well, I'll tell you about that. Anytime I've done a lesbian cruise, there's been a lot of women with their motorized, you know what I mean, where you can just take yourself around. I could have done it when I was enormous.

SPEAKER_00

I'm serious. Like one of the so it's like the electric scooters you see in the grocery store? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And they'll like knock you down to get to a cinnamon roll on those lesbian cruises. I have so enjoyed talking to you. I've had an absolute blast. You're amazing. You're amazing. I mean, I've listened very few people kill the way you do. Like you're like me, where you get a bit and a joke to where it's like undeniable.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I love that about you because a lot of people don't. I mean, most comics, I'm not knocking anyone, it's just you'll get like, huh? Oh. But you're like a belly laugh for like so powerful on stage, and it's great.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you. That's very I mean, I've admired you for such a long time. Uh from the beginning. Okay. And honestly, not a single person has a bad thing to say about you. You're just your reputation is so fantastic in the comedy community. We're so happy for your success, too. Oh, that's so good. Everyone coming up, like, yeah, fucking Jessica, get out. Yeah. Because it's so deserved. Thank you. So deserved, and you're so funny. Thank you. You've been you've been an inspiration for so long. I love that. Yes.

SPEAKER_01

I really do because uh you know what? You are to other female comics that are starting out. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like we pass that down, and women really we have to help each other. We have to help each other. We really do. And and so follow Caitlin.

SPEAKER_00

Tell us where Oh, f uh June 10th, I have a special coming out called Prosciutto Rose. Uh it's coming out. Yeah, it's about my pussy. Um God, I can't wait to watch it and eat popcorn. Pretend the popcorn's in my prosciutto rose. Exactly. Um but yeah, June 10th on YouTube for free. Please uh watch it. Um, tell your friends. Uh follow me at Caitlyn Palufo on Instagram, and I'm on the road a ton. I also have to have you on. I have um uh a web series called QuizBitch where I take Cosmo quizzes with other comedians. Oh, I love it. I'll do it anytime. It's fun. Yes, it's very silly, very sexual. We can talk about Betty White again, getting it. Oh, I love that. Pounded. Yeah. We'll show video. Yes. If you have that video, please. And where can they find your dates? Is that on your website? On my website, CaitlinPalufo.com. Great. Also Punch Up Live. Um, but yeah, on my Instagram, I literally just posted a thirst trap with dates underneath. So yeah. Like I don't have any confidence. Here's a half-naked picture of myself with Houston dates underneath.

SPEAKER_01

That's great. Why not? I I post pictures of my uneven breasts, and a lot of people. Nice! Yeah. Last night I said I literally went on stage at New York Comedy Club and said, I looked at my bra and it looks like a dog toy. Like that's been around for years. Like, not just like that's brand new. You know what I'm saying? Kunk. From echo. It's like really ripped apart and fucking, yeah. It has like bite marks. Gnarled. It's like it came out of a blender.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I love it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Hot tits, baby.

SPEAKER_01

And they're uneven. I mean, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Really extreme. I don't think people could notice. Like Zach, you just looked at my boobs. I can't even. I'm looking at them right now. I'm taking a look.

SPEAKER_00

I'm taking a look.

SPEAKER_01

I don't think you can tell. This one's much bigger and more sensitive. Do you or you have one that's more sensitive?

unknown

No.

SPEAKER_01

I love that you're feeling them right now.

SPEAKER_00

I think this one's bigger. I think the right one's bigger. But I'm also, I just finished my period. So it's a mess. It's a mess. What a big one of fucking. Support women in comedy. I'm bleeding. I have blood gushing out of my pussy. Help me. And my right head is bigger. Support women in comedy.

SPEAKER_01

We're funny. We need your support. If you're interested in getting um some action from Caitlin, she just finished preparing it. There's no more blood. She's cleaned.