I Want Your Mounds w/ Carmen Lynch & Rachel Feinstein

Roommates in the "Holly" together!? Rachel Feinstein and Carmen Lynch join the podcast, and truly bring the house down. Carmen is recruited by the FBI, Rachel takes a call from her agent mid-show, and Jessica brings wigs to the party. This chaos must be listened to. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_11 0:00

I'm a man and I need more than one mound.

SPEAKER_10 0:03

I only need you. I want you to mount me out every day.

SPEAKER_11 0:07

And then you go and travel towards other mounds. Why would you do this? You're fired. No, I'm not.

SPEAKER_02 0:13

You're right. We need your work. Thank you.

SPEAKER_11 0:15

We really we need someone to step in. Please help me.

SPEAKER_05 0:22

The Jessica Cuss.

SPEAKER_11 0:24

I don't feel safe. Oh God. I'm here with two sluts. Um these two are my family. Um I'm here with Rachel Feinstein, Carmen Lynch. We have been performing together how many years now? 48?

SPEAKER_10 0:43

48. Carbon. You look good, Carbon.

SPEAKER_11 0:46

So do you.

SPEAKER_10 0:47

You all look good. All of you.

SPEAKER_11 0:49

I I have a um a cut here. It's not, it's not a disease. I hit my mouth on the mic last night. Oh, I did not think that it was from. Yeah. What did you think it was? Did you notice? Sucking on the suck.

SPEAKER_10 1:05

No, I mean, I did you think someone had like a nail coming out of their I knew for sure that it wasn't from, you know, gaggling dick. Gaggling dick should be the name of your new special. I knew, I know, Jessica. I knew you probably bumped something. Believe me, I'm bumping things left and right. Yeah. Yeah. You run a tight ship compared to uh with me.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

I have a red dot. Do you see it?

SPEAKER_10 1:29

Now I do.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

Right?

SPEAKER_10 1:30

What is it?

SPEAKER_02 1:31

I don't know, but my boyfriend points it out. I'm like, stop. Why did he point it out? Because he's like.

SPEAKER_10 1:37

Oh, that's like a little zit. I get those too. Like it's like a little zit that's like on the lip line. Yeah, I get those. Because I still have adult acne.

SPEAKER_08 1:45

Welcome. Clip it.

SPEAKER_10 1:47

Adult acne on the Jessica Carson podcast. Yeah. Clip it. Um, no, I'm I'm gangrenous. Inherently gangrenous. It's born gangrenous. There's the first thing the doctor said when he picked me up and he got, looks like a gangrenous baby to me.

unknown 2:07

Well, it's looking good.

SPEAKER_10 2:09

Thank you.

SPEAKER_11 2:10

I don't even think I cried when I came out. I think I was just in shock. You probably sighed like, oh, yeah, I cried.

SPEAKER_10 2:19

Oh no. You probably came out with a carry-on luggage, at least.

SPEAKER_11 2:26

Yeah, I probably came out like, I like pussy. You know. Um, a carry on. Yeah, I came with traveling anymore.

SPEAKER_10 2:36

You know what you probably get you were born with, Jesse? Was those snacks you always have in your bag. She always has delightful snacks and rice cakes. You probably came with like a bag of rice cakes.

SPEAKER_11 2:45

I have some. Um, you're a mom. No, it's because I'm a food addict, so I have to have food with also I'm Jewish. Like you always have to have food on you in case we get taken away again. Jesus. Some people don't even know what happened. They're like, when were the Jews taken away?

SPEAKER_02 2:59

I want to be taken away with you.

SPEAKER_11 3:01

Really?

SPEAKER_10 3:02

I would love to be in the holly with the two of you. If I could choose. A Holocaust roommate. And this is how I start all my Valentine's.

SPEAKER_11 3:13

Roommate is amazing. The holly is the funniest thing. I would love to be in the holly with you too.

SPEAKER_10 3:20

Yeah, we would be great sweet. We would have had a funny. We would have exhausted the guards. Yeah. Some of them might have had a early heart attack, and we might have cut out of line that way. Cut out of line.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

I'm not Jewish, but I'm trying. Really? Yeah, I wish I was Jewish.

SPEAKER_11 3:37

What are you doing to try? Do you are complaining more?

SPEAKER_02 3:40

What are you trying to be in the holly? Just imagining it with you guys. I'm so I'm not Catholic anymore, but I grew up Catholic.

SPEAKER_10 3:50

We would stay up all night.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

Yeah. So we just feel guilty like a Catholic person.

SPEAKER_10 3:56

Do you did you have to go to church and stuff?

SPEAKER_02 3:58

I did for a long time.

SPEAKER_10 3:59

Did you have to commit, um, commit? I mean, commit to you have to absolve, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_02 4:04

I had to commit to Jesus every Sunday.

SPEAKER_10 4:07

Oh, you do have to commit every Sunday. Yeah. Fucking exhausting. That's like a paranoia.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

And confession Saturdays at five.

SPEAKER_11 4:13

What? Yeah. Who did you did you do with the priest? Sorry, uh. Like in that one of those huts?

SPEAKER_02 4:19

In one of the huts. Hut is incredible.

SPEAKER_11 4:22

What's it called? It's a closet. It's a quilted closet.

SPEAKER_10 4:25

It's like a small closet. Quilted closet. Doesn't it look like where we make audition tapes? Oh, there it is. Yeah, you're right. Yes, it's very good. It's a snack. Yeah. We put an audition in. We send the tape to NBC. Are you allowed to eat during it or vape? Snacking during a confession is incredible. If you brought out your plastic bag full of rice cakes and peanut butter cups, that would be incredible. Listen, I gotta tell you, I fucked my friend's wife again. Hold on one second. Let me get my snacks. Let me just cream cheese.

SPEAKER_11 5:01

What snacks would you want to bring if you could bring anything to a confessional booth? Oh my god, I better.

SPEAKER_02 5:06

Something loud. Like shit. Why loud? Because it's so quiet in there. It's awkward. Oh, that's I do not like silence. If you don't have a good confession, you have to say anything, so it's stupid. Like, I didn't help my mom set the table. Oh, it's three Hail Marys, you know. Like, you don't have anything like good to share.

SPEAKER_03 5:27

I was I was like, you can't even be mad.

SPEAKER_10 5:32

I was violently jealous of confession. I used to make my brother hold up the sheet and do it all the time. I stole my friend's communion dress, put it in a guitar case, went all the way down the block, had to walk back up that block of shame to return it. I just wanted to be Catholic and virginal, and I love church. It's very romantic and exciting. Like it's not like our like ha ha ha ha. See, it's always what you don't have.

SPEAKER_02 5:54

Because Jews are so connected and they're so they have dinners together all the time, and you guys were on holiday all the time.

SPEAKER_11 6:01

Well, we don't, Rachel and I aren't that Jewy. We don't celebrate those.

SPEAKER_10 6:05

Yeah, I worked with like Jews that wanted to be black, so we didn't even belong to a temple. We you know, my dad was always drawing out some musician before a gig, so that was big foot was at our like Hanukkah dinner. This guy, this black drummer, he was always trying to get sober so he could do his blues gigs or whatever. So we didn't I wanted to be like a normal rich Jew, but no, we had like four social work Jews, and we had my bomb and spade at a fucking park. And my dad got lost on the way to the park. It was like one of the little park buildings, yeah. And so I had to hang up and decorate after everybody had arrived. Yeah, so I wasn't like how did your dad get lost? He was always lost and flicking his head.

SPEAKER_11 6:40

When you say your dad flicks his head, it's what does that mean? He goes like this.

SPEAKER_12 6:44

It's like a Is that a nervous thing? Yes, I think so.

SPEAKER_11 6:47

Do his face while he does it, and can you say No!

SPEAKER_10 6:52

Where the hell is this shit? Karen, god damn it! She's like, Howard, the guests are there!

SPEAKER_11 7:00

That's exactly how she talks.

SPEAKER_10 7:03

Yeah, she's like, Howard, I'm not doing this shit anymore. Whenever they drive, she tells them how many years she was married. She's like, 14 years of this bullshit, Howard. Fourteen years. She always screams about they always scream when they're driving, and she screams about how bad he's getting. She's like, I never saw him. Was it my man that needed suspenders? Or she'll go, I kept up with my side of the bargain, Howie.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

How did you come out so normal?

SPEAKER_10 7:29

Normal.

SPEAKER_12 7:29

I'm deranged. Kidding?

SPEAKER_11 7:32

We are not normal.

SPEAKER_10 7:34

Not compared to your family. I talked really gaggling cock immediately. I didn't think I didn't, that was not my plan when I did my morning mirror work to come on today and kick it off with cock talk.

SPEAKER_11 7:45

Cock talk.

SPEAKER_10 7:46

That's a great name.

SPEAKER_11 7:48

That's a great name for a new show, cock talk.

SPEAKER_10 7:51

Oh my god, I would love to do cock talk with you ladies.

SPEAKER_11 7:55

We could do that at the Holly.

SPEAKER_10 7:57

Oh my god. You have been such a calming force at different moments of my life when I've been in the middle of chaotic things. Yeah, I gotta hear this. Yes, because remember when I used to see you, I was dating that alcoholic that pretended to be from the war in Iraq or whatever. And remember, I saw you on that bus, and we were both living in West New York because I was- Oh my god, that guy, I remember him now. Yeah. He was always really drunk and you get suspicious.

SPEAKER_11 8:24

Yeah, he always thought she was blowing people. We just talked about that. Yeah. Everywhere she went.

SPEAKER_10 8:29

Everywhere I went. He thought I was lapping up dick. Meanwhile, I was just obsessed with trying to like fix him. But I remember seeing you on that little jitney bus. We both lived in West New York. Yeah. And I would tell her, I would assume some of the most insane stories you'd ever heard about because I was trying to capture this alcoholic and make him stop drinking, which is insane.

SPEAKER_02 8:48

Why are we always trying to fix men? Do you do that too? I used to, yeah. Now I'm like, fuck it. No, I don't care.

SPEAKER_11 8:54

I mean, I've tried to fix women. It's yeah, we're all we're caretakers. So you told yeah, you told her these stories and she was helpful.

SPEAKER_10 9:02

And you know how Carmen listens, you just have the most calming face. Like there's no judgment, but you're very serene. Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 9:09

You are very calming.

SPEAKER_02 9:11

Really? I'm a neurotic mess on the inside. I'm constantly sweating. I'm just like, yes. I went off a Zoloft.

SPEAKER_11 9:18

Why? Did you not feel your vagina? Like, is it one of those things?

SPEAKER_02 9:23

It's that, but also I wanted to do ayahuasca, and you're supposed to get off of everything.

SPEAKER_11 9:27

I love that you went off an antidepressant to do ayahuasca.

SPEAKER_10 9:32

That is the best reason in all the land. Yes.

SPEAKER_11 9:37

I went off Pro Zac to do crack. Um I just thought it could help me more.

SPEAKER_02 9:44

Yes, I might go back, but not right now. Did you do the ayahuasca? Tell us about it. I went to Peru three weeks ago.

SPEAKER_11 9:51

Wow. And you did it?

SPEAKER_02 9:53

And I did it.

SPEAKER_11 9:54

What was it like?

SPEAKER_02 9:55

It's my second time.

SPEAKER_11 9:56

Oh God. So the first are rough.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

The first time was two and a half years ago. And I went off a Zolof then. And then I had to go back on Zolof. Because I didn't know that if you took a steroid, it'd be like if you were sick and took a steroid. Wait, who is it? Let's go to a colour. Hold on.

SPEAKER_10 10:16

Let's go to a woman with my fucking agent. Because I want to know if this this check went in. Forget it. Agent. Should I answer or yeah, answer.

SPEAKER_08 10:25

Hi, Donnie.

unknown 10:27

Hi.

SPEAKER_10 10:28

So sorry. I was in a meeting. That's so funny called. I'm in actually in Jesse's Jessica doing Jessica's podcast right now, Jessica Carson.

unknown 10:37

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_10 10:38

Hi, how are you? She told me to pick it up. How are you doing? And Carmen looked and you you looked fabulous in that picture on stories. Um, thank you.

SPEAKER_03 10:53

Yeah. I I ended up doing my hair one morning. Crazy concept.

SPEAKER_11 10:57

I I never do my hair. That's why I look homeless.

SPEAKER_06 11:03

No, usually it is a rat's nest. I mean, like today I have it whipped up into a French knot because it's just um it's not it's not one of those things.

SPEAKER_10 11:12

You know, sometimes you just have to. I've always wanted to be able to whip it up like that. Whenever I try to do like a mignon or whatever the fuck it's called, a croissant or whatever, I look freaking gangrenous. There's like gum in it or some shit. But anyway, um I just wanted to see if they deposited that check. Me too. For the very muffin. Like the uh Rachel commercial.

SPEAKER_11 11:32

I love that you're still going over the money. I didn't get paid for that yet either.

SPEAKER_10 11:37

Yes.

unknown 11:37

I'll double check, but brand work, unfortunately, usually has like a payment term.

SPEAKER_10 11:42

Usually it's net 30 to 60, sometimes more.

unknown 11:45

But let me check on it.

SPEAKER_10 11:46

I don't know what any of that means. Net 30, net 60. Oh, come on, who are we talking to here? No idea what that means. Oh one or two months. She could be like Netflix. I don't know. Okay. Okay, perfect.

unknown 12:00

Annoying with brand work.

SPEAKER_10 12:01

I know with touring, it's like you get paid that night. Look, net 60, net 100, net 50. I need 50 hugs. I need 50 hugs. Vagina. Oh, of course. I don't know how anything works. Um, I love you. Okay, thank you so much. Everyone loves you, Donnie. Carmen and I love you.

SPEAKER_11 12:25

Please help us. Bye, Donnie. Bye, help me. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_10 12:28

Chipper. I love her. She is pretty cool. She said net 30, net 60. I mean, I have no idea what that means. Is that net versus gross? Or net?

SPEAKER_11 12:37

What'd you just call me?

SPEAKER_10 12:41

I still don't understand when they say write things off. I'm like, what do you mean? I spent it on that. What are you talking about? You're just giving you a couple of things. We're so confused. I know, but like I still feel like, what are we talking about here? Like, I wrote it off.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

I never feel like anything's written off, even when you write it off. Yeah, what the fuck is that? Like, I'm gonna write off this coffee because I'm doing the Jessica Curson podcast. I'm like, I'm never gonna remember to write off this coffee. Of course you're not.

SPEAKER_11 13:03

And it's what you you get like a two cent whatever. We're so clueless. The three of us.

SPEAKER_10 13:08

Yeah, but then my accountants could be fucking deep me, who's anyone's guess. So visual. Deeping light race.

SPEAKER_11 13:17

What is de-repeing? Like you're you're reversing a rape. What does that mean? You're you're taking a rape away.

SPEAKER_10 13:24

I think, but it was just unnecessary to say rape. Like it was too much. I know. Whether it's deep.

SPEAKER_11 13:30

We've every podcast someone's talking about rape on the show. Really? That means that's a good thing. Yeah, Zach is going like this. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 13:36

Because I forget, like, when I go around other moms, just like what a pig I am. So I'll be at the park, and then just right away, I'm like, I mean, that like it's just too much. And they're talking about like sleep schedules and stuff like that. And I'm just like, I know. I mean, talk about talking of fat. Like, I just go, it's too much. Yeah. For regular.

SPEAKER_11 14:03

I do that too. You know, like the parents will be like, Do you want to do a play date? And I'm like, oh my god, that reminds me of when the counselor played with my nipples in Fat Camp. Yeah. Are you serious? No, he just kissed me. It was fine. He was only 30 years older.

SPEAKER_02 14:17

Anyway, so um I tried a rap joke the other day and it didn't work.

SPEAKER_11 14:23

Oh, what did you say?

SPEAKER_02 14:25

Do you know when you have the worst gas, like like the worst farts, and you're like, if I was getting raped right now, my fart would save me from getting raped. They did not, and I was like, that's a good joke.

SPEAKER_11 14:39

That's a really and it's true. It's a real joke. It's very true.

SPEAKER_02 14:44

It's rooted in suffering. Like I parted where on the subway they're like, oh, and you just go, I know. And that was after ayahuasca, so that stuff was still inside of me. But then I was like, this part would protect me. It's like a whistle.

SPEAKER_12 15:02

No one laughed.

SPEAKER_11 15:03

Did you say how could no one laugh at that?

SPEAKER_10 15:06

That's just like it's hilarious. You said the bus and the fart would protect you like whistle?

SPEAKER_02 15:10

That's hilarious. Or my father, my mom has cancer, and my father looked at my mom the other day and she's like, I'm off to chemo. And he goes, Have a great time. Have a great no one lies. I can't. Because they're thinking about the chemo. They're thinking about the chemo.

SPEAKER_10 15:28

But we're making light of our lives. He's saying that not as a joke. He just said, No, he goes, have a great time.

SPEAKER_11 15:38

Oh, one with cancer and one with dementia is not easy.

SPEAKER_02 15:42

No.

SPEAKER_11 15:42

Is she like, I'm worried about my health? And he's like, bingo.

SPEAKER_02 15:45

Like, is it like No, she goes like this, help me with my taxes. And he goes, I want cookies. Oh my god. So it's like every every person is like laughing. And then I'm like, wait, I'm doing my I had to cancel my my taping for my special because my mom broke her hip. And now it's in three weeks. So now I'm like, don't fucking even fall. I will kill you. Yeah. You should tie her to the bed.

SPEAKER_10 16:10

Also, sometimes the falls are passive aggressive. Sometimes she's planning it. I'm sorry, your big debut. Oh, I threw my disappears.

SPEAKER_12 16:19

My debut is a kinera.

SPEAKER_10 16:22

My debut. Oh, I know what I'll do. I'll throw myself down some stairs. But my dad does that. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 16:29

Because they want to see throws himself down some stairs. He's in his retirement home, and we're like, bye, see you later. And he goes, Oh, wait, what's this? Can someone explain? And he'll just grab whatever's around and be like, oh, I don't think this is fresh. You might want to stay. I want to stay. And it's like he just is trying to get you to stay.

SPEAKER_10 16:51

That's what I do whenever men leave me. I call them up and I'm like, I think I left a hair in your sink that I need, you know. But I want to be adults about this. So let's just meet in a, you know, in a neutral area, and I'll bring some poems that I wrote about us. I can't handle what you just said. Let's meet in a neutral area. Let's write poems that I wrote about rape. Honestly, the way that your dad and you communicate, like with his dementia, is the way my husband and I communicate on a daily basis.

unknown 17:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_10 17:23

So it'll be great if one of you gets dementia. Actually, it would be. Yeah. He would just leave me rocking in a window for like a solid weekend. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

Well, the good thing is, like My boyfriend was we were talking about him getting a stroke one day, and I was like, No one would say this but a comedian. I can't take care of you if you got a stroke. I don't have the money. He's like, you will wipe my ass. I said, no, I won't, because I I need to work.

SPEAKER_11 17:49

He needs to raise an ass fund. Like he needs to do a GoFundMe or something.

SPEAKER_10 17:55

Go ask me. Yeah. Yeah. We should raise our own ass funds. That's a terrific idea. Who the fuck is gonna wipe my ass? Lord knows my husband won't. No, he'll smear it on your face. Your daughter will wipe your ass.

SPEAKER_02 18:10

If you guys have kids, they will wipe you. My stepson will not wipe my ass.

SPEAKER_11 18:14

Yeah. Well, someone, you need to get someone to wipe your ass. Wait, what? You need to get someone to wipe your ass.

SPEAKER_10 18:21

Someone, please wipe my ass. Or yes, somebody needs to go wipe our ass or go down on us, choose a column. It's whatever. Find a way you can help. It's how it's it's whatever your use your own skills, whatever God gave you, whatever your spirit tells you to, but we need help. Go down on us or wipe our asses.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

And I only c eat healthy, so it'll be clean poo.

SPEAKER_11 18:42

Oh, it's that it must not smell bad like that bad. I think so. Yeah. I smell that. Mine smells like a fucking sewage tank. Do you smell it? My shit? I can't not smell it. I still smell it from the apartment this morning. I'm joking. It's not that bad. I barely shit because I'm so I don't I don't drink enough water. Are you good with drinking water?

SPEAKER_02 19:02

If I bring the whole gallon with me, which again, my boyfriend finds disgusting. Why? Why? Because it's just he's like, your your spit bottle is here. It's just because I walk around with it because I don't I can't have a glass. I I don't see that. I need this. No, I I know exactly what you need a big bottle too. But leave them everywhere.

SPEAKER_10 19:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 19:22

Does he have OCD?

SPEAKER_10 19:24

Yeah, a little bit. I know. Yeah. It's not a thing he should be. Come on, who gives a shit? I mean he jokes, he's half kidding. It is funny.

SPEAKER_02 19:33

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I I drink a lot of water. I try.

SPEAKER_10 19:39

Yeah, it's good for your skin. Do you? Come on. Rach? I try to drink a lot of water too, but I leave water bottles everywhere. Like I create systems and then they just sort of litter things everywhere. Like every I've my whole room is just an evidence of different attempts, like yelping attempts I've made at helping myself. He looks so genuinely concerned about me. He always Zach's always touching because I was like, oh, I need that. I need somebody.

SPEAKER_11 20:03

No, he always looks at me like that, like Yeah, Rachel. That I have that too. Like there's one post-it note like on the floor that says love yourself. Like I'm supposed to put them on the wall.

SPEAKER_10 20:17

There's nothing sadder than when you write like an affirmation in a hotel and it just ends up like sticking with gum, or my husband's like, what the fuck is this? You know? There's always like my book and own debris is fucking stuck to it, you know?

SPEAKER_02 20:29

Did you ever do the hand on the mirror thing that Mel Robbins talks about?

SPEAKER_10 20:32

Yeah, I fucking did that.

SPEAKER_02 20:33

Oh god.

SPEAKER_09 20:34

I'm amazing and I can do anything I want to do. I can't.

SPEAKER_11 20:39

I can't do that shit. Like, is is it okay that I try to bash my head into the mirror?

SPEAKER_02 20:44

Whatever works for you.

SPEAKER_11 20:46

Carmen, we were just talking about a podcast I did with you once years ago. Yeah. When you told the story. Can you please? It's one of the funniest things.

SPEAKER_02 20:55

Oh, speaking of ass, yeah. I got my colonoscopy.

SPEAKER_11 20:59

This is great, really.

SPEAKER_02 21:00

I had to get my colonoscopy because my ass was bleeding at the original Gotham. Do you remember Gotham?

SPEAKER_10 21:07

What an important distinction. Do you remember? That's a comedy club for people up to the show. It was an old location. The new location. The old location. I remember. If your rectum was bleeding at the second location, it would be a whole different tale, my friend.

SPEAKER_02 21:20

But I was at, I was doing a bringer show. It could have been your show. Yeah. Because you did these great shows at Gotham. I wonder if it was on your show that I found out my ass was bleeding.

SPEAKER_11 21:30

It might have been. I mean, people feel very free with me.

SPEAKER_02 21:34

And I was like, this doesn't look normal. So I went and I got a colonoscopy, and they were like, You have a big ass polyp, like a a mushroom. It looked like I saw it. I saw it, because you know, they give you the anesthesia, and then I said, Can I can I look at it? And he brought it out. And I he he said, It looks like a mushroom. When it starts to look like a mushroom, it starts to be precancerous.

SPEAKER_11 21:57

What kind of mushroom? Like a shiitake or a button?

SPEAKER_02 22:00

The button, the the yeah, the f is that what it's called? The ones in like the the uh like chicken and mushrooms, cream of mushrooms.

SPEAKER_10 22:10

That's what she took. That's what she took for her trip. She took it right out of her inner anus.

SPEAKER_02 22:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_10 22:14

And then she went to South America and had many discoveries.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

That's where shrooms come from. My ass. Anyway, um, and so uh yeah, so I was like worried that I was gonna get more mushrooms, but the rest of them just came out like no shape. But that was that was the week of 9-11.

SPEAKER_10 22:35

Sorry, I'm just fingering myself during the end of the story.

SPEAKER_02 22:41

So sorry, it was tell me more. It was actually it was two weeks before 9-11. So they said, We'll give you your results and you know, let you know if this is cancerous, because at the moment they didn't know, obviously. They were like, we need to buy out some of this. So uh so then I was I was working at Goldman Sachs and I was there during 9-11. So I was completely covered, and so no, I didn't so I went to Virginia to because you know, where we lived, West New York, was shut down because the Lincoln Tunnel was shut down. That's right.

SPEAKER_10 23:14

Thank God I left that fucking alcoholic because he pretended to be the war veteran, fake to live.

SPEAKER_02 23:20

Um, and so and so then I got to Virginia and uh and my mom was like, let's find out if you have colon cancer. And I was like, Aren't you worried enough that I almost died in on 9-11? And she was like, No, I knew you were gonna be fine. Because I'm worried about your butt, like your thing. And that's when I found out that it it wasn't cancer. But for six, every six months I started I started getting colonoscopies, you know, just because of that. And you lose like two pounds every time.

SPEAKER_10 23:52

I just I love it. I now love it. Like two or three pounds. I want to take the medicine because I have a few left over, but I'm just gonna find a window to yes, but it's it's right before a wedding or something. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Colonoscopy, right? Before a special event.

SPEAKER_11 24:07

Yeah, you have a special coming up. I should have. Yeah. I wish you could just give yourself one.

SPEAKER_02 24:14

I know. You probably could.

SPEAKER_11 24:16

Like if you're gonna put a vacuum, like a the one of the like a Hoover? Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 24:20

Yeah. I'm sure it's probably similar to the advice they used to lobotize women. Men would probably do, you know, we were always speaking, we were always fucking vacuuming our heads out. Why not put the same one in our ass? We were always trying to be vacuuming our heads out for anything. I know. Your fucking husband would be like, oh, you know what? You were you went out, you were reading my paper. That's a man's paper. Looks like a side to fucking scoop a chunk out of your brain. Scoop a chunk. They fucking lobotomize us regularly. I'm so pissed about that. Talk about fucking reparations. How about some for the fucking repeated lobotomies my grandmother's got?

SPEAKER_02 24:59

Did your grandmother survive from the children?

SPEAKER_10 25:02

No, she didn't actually get a lobotomy because nobody would look, nobody wanted to marry, you know. I mean, nobody was able to stay married to her long enough. They would just leave Rosalind Schneider. But um Rosalind Schneider.

SPEAKER_11 25:12

Such a hot thing.

SPEAKER_10 25:13

Like our great grandmothers, that was like a common thing. You know, your wife. Oh, yeah, that time going down to the lobotomy factory. Sorry, Diane.

SPEAKER_11 25:20

Yeah, I don't know what's for dinner. Sorry, I didn't clean the kitchen.

SPEAKER_10 25:30

Anything. Yeah. No, darling, I did read the magazine, but if it helps, I read it upside down. No, we're getting a truck out of your brain today. We're going down to Dr. Labon. Dr. Labon. I'm calling Eli Labon. Take him to Eli. Yeah, Eli Labon. Of course. Of course. Yeah. Because he had the loudest wife of anything. That's why he created the fucking Labotomy. Probably if we met Eli Labon's wife, we'd be like, I get it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 26:00

I can't even breathe. I just saw found a used tissue in my fucking chair. And it has hair on it. What the fuck is going on? It has different kinds of hair. Look.

SPEAKER_02 26:11

Oh my ew. I don't want to imagine.

SPEAKER_11 26:13

Oh my god, I must have not gotten all the toilet paper this morning.

SPEAKER_10 26:19

Oh my god, you didn't need to pick it up with your hand. What a good guy. Yeah, that was so sweet. But wait, back to your lobotomy. And so your mom, I mean not lobotomy. Back to your lobotomy. Yeah. But yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:36

And so your mom basically wasn't worried about you in 9-11 at all. Not at all. She was like, I knew you'd be fine.

SPEAKER_11 26:42

Why did she know you'd be fine? Like, do you have experience getting out of a channel? Did she try to reach you? Like, did she give you a few years?

SPEAKER_02 26:48

No, phones were working. No phones were working. I think she was just worried. She was a nurse, so she just worries about health issues. So she only responded to you if you were like in an active emergency. She's not a terror attack. So she she was such a great mom when I was sick. I mean, she was a great mom regardless. But like, I used to have a joke, right? I was like, um, do you confuse medical attention for love? Because for me, medical attention was love. I loved being sick.

SPEAKER_10 27:14

Because you probably also had to prove you were suffering or needed something, and then it was, and then it was perfect.

SPEAKER_02 27:18

And once, well, yeah, and once you were sick, once you had a fever, it was the best day. The best.

SPEAKER_11 27:23

Oh my god, I would just get myself sick all the time. I'd go out with like a wet head and a Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:29

Well, I mean, you get it, uh, mother who's a therapist, probably. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_11 27:33

Oh, yeah, because your mom is a nurse, that's true. Yeah. What did your dad do your whole life?

SPEAKER_02 27:38

You know, it's kind of a secret. Like, he worked for the Pentagon, he was in the military and we worked for the Pentagon, but I wondered if he was a CIA, but no, I don't think. This is so hot. I know. No, but I didn't know. He said he was a logistics analyst. And I'm like, I don't know what that means.

SPEAKER_10 27:55

Did he like, did he have like different caps and things? And did he go off with like weird trips for mysterious caps? You mean hats?

SPEAKER_12 28:03

I pictured like a baby. People have cats.

SPEAKER_11 28:07

Did he have different cats?

SPEAKER_10 28:10

You know, I feel like, I mean, you must have had some. So there was some there were some periods of time where I was I was confused, but I know he wasn't.

SPEAKER_02 28:18

How?

SPEAKER_11 28:19

It's normally the guy that you don't think is.

SPEAKER_02 28:21

Really?

SPEAKER_11 28:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:23

I need him to be.

SPEAKER_11 28:24

Yeah, me too. So do I.

SPEAKER_02 28:26

I didn't have to be agent. It's so fucking hot. I know. I I wanted to be one. And I went to interview one after college. Yeah. And he was like, don't do this.

SPEAKER_10 28:36

Why did you interview him? I love, love this shit. I'm obsessed with this. I was too. Mind Hunter is like my favorite book in the world, by the way. Not that the fucking series was fine, but the fucking book is the most incredible book I've ever read.

SPEAKER_02 28:46

Once I saw Silence of the Lambs, I was obsessed with Clarice. Yes. And I was like, I want to be, and so I called, I called the FBI. Oh my goodness. It's like the general number.

SPEAKER_11 28:58

Hi, FBI! I didn't know I'm interested in getting a job. That's ridiculous that you called like the 1 in 100 FBI. Rachel, there's no other, there's no other numbers.

SPEAKER_03 29:10

188 FBI.

SPEAKER_11 29:12

But there needs to be more.

SPEAKER_03 29:14

One more. 888 FBI 8, I guess. Right. Like 8888. They're gonna be like, I'm so glad you called. They picked up the phone. Who? The FBI! Yes!

SPEAKER_02 29:29

The lobotomized secretary Juan speaking of lobotomy, but not like the actual FBI. And I said I'm fluent in Spanish, which was weird in Virginia. Yeah. Because you know we live near Quanaco. So it's not gonna get any. We live near the training camp. German.

SPEAKER_10 29:46

Come on. Spanish? That's what we're talking about here. She's my daughter.

SPEAKER_02 29:50

But I know, but but when you're young and hopefully we lost hope years ago. It's like I'm tall, so can I be on the basketball team? Have you ever played? Yes. No. No. But I'm tall.

SPEAKER_11 30:00

But I might be able to dunk. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 30:04

So I called the FBI and I was like, I speak Spanish. And they were like, that's great, but we don't need anyone right now. Do you speak Mandarin or whatever? Exactly. Come on, Mandarin. Now we're cooking.

SPEAKER_11 30:15

You can become a head person there to speak Mandarin.

SPEAKER_02 30:18

You should work for the FBI.

SPEAKER_12 30:20

Spanish!

SPEAKER_02 30:22

Fuck off! Anyway, they said if you and they called me one day. They called me two years later and they said we need someone who speaks Spanish.

unknown 30:31

What the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 30:32

I swear to God, I took the FBI test and I failed. The first one of the first tests is um It's like a profiling, it's math and profiling. And all the questions were they were multiple choice and they all the all the answers sounded the same. This is this is so confusing. Okay, it would be like this. Say you're at the office and you have a project and it's due in 30 minutes. Do you A, try to do it all yourself? B, ask your colleague to help you. C, go straight to your boss and say, I can't finish this. Um, can we do something? Can you help me? Or do you All the answers are right?

SPEAKER_03 31:07

They're all right!

SPEAKER_02 31:09

Because one alone means I work hard all by myself. Two, two work. Three, I get to, you know, and I was like, ah, and I failed.

SPEAKER_10 31:19

The answer is pay the Mandarin kid that works.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

But they're looking for a certain type. And in my head, I was like, which type do you want? Which type? Yeah, you want to use the right answer. Do I ask my friend? And then I panicked. Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 31:33

Wow, I think your dad is a spy.

SPEAKER_10 31:36

Wait, wait. So that they called you back is like two years later, she just how desperate were they that this 11-year-old called was like, I was my y'all? They were like, I mean, how was she on a list? Like, come on. Yes. So that must have been. I after college. Oh, wait, how old were you in your calls? It was during college. You must have had an in or something. And by the way, I understand that nobody is Mandarin. That was one of the most ignorant things I've ever said. I know they speak in Mandarin. And I know that because I put on a dating profile once that I spoke Mandarin because I thought it was like funny, but then I found out it's like the second most popular language in the world, or maybe the first. And so I got a date. Two guys like messaged me. They're like, oh, I've been waiting for somebody to chat Mandarin with. And I was like, oh, it's being ironic.

SPEAKER_11 32:23

It was very funny. That's a really funny thing to say. You do.

SPEAKER_10 32:26

I said that I said that I spoke Mandarin because I just thought it was like a fun thing to say because I was an idiot. I was like 23. It is a fun word because it sounds like a fruit, right? Well, it is a fruit. It's the orange. Mandarin.

SPEAKER_02 32:36

Mandarina. You're right.

SPEAKER_11 32:38

Mandarina. I didn't expect that.

SPEAKER_02 32:40

See, I'm not gonna be a big one.

SPEAKER_11 32:42

Manitarita! I have no idea what just happened. Mandarina is a mandarin. Can you say you'll never make it to me in Spanish?

SPEAKER_02 32:50

You mean uh never make it in comedy? Yeah. How would you say make it? Nunca llegarás al I don't know what make it would be.

SPEAKER_10 33:03

It's okay.

SPEAKER_02 33:03

It's hard.

SPEAKER_10 33:04

All I know how to say is mi novio es celoso y fuerte. What is that? Strong and jealous. My boyfriend is jealous and strong.

SPEAKER_02 33:15

There's such different traits to put in one sentence.

SPEAKER_10 33:18

I know.

SPEAKER_02 33:18

He's jealous, but he's strong. Yeah, what is that?

SPEAKER_11 33:25

It's always about entering.

SPEAKER_10 33:28

No, but it is so hot that you speak Spanish.

SPEAKER_02 33:31

Most words I know. Tell Jessica she'll never make it.

SPEAKER_11 33:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:34

It's que nunca. Can you just look that up for me, that word make it? Because make it. You could just say be a star.

SPEAKER_11 33:39

You know, when I'm never Jesus, why is it so?

SPEAKER_02 33:44

That's how my mom talks. So my Spanish is very dramatic and my English is very calm. See when you found me calming? It's because I learned English as from my father, who's very calm, maybe in the CIA. But my mother, cállate.

SPEAKER_11 34:00

Is that how she talks to her patients?

SPEAKER_01 34:05

Wait.

SPEAKER_11 34:06

You have cancer.

SPEAKER_08 34:12

What was that? What did it say? Asshole? What was?

SPEAKER_02 34:14

Asshole. Asshole.

SPEAKER_10 34:16

Oh my god, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 34:18

Abujero de culo. My cousins, I remember when I was ass, right? My relatives would be like, Do you really say asshole? Like, cause in Spanish it's hole of your ass. That's more romantic, right? So it should be like you have romantic. You're such a hole in your butt. Like asshole doesn't make sense. Sorry, it doesn't make sense. Never mind. Cut that out. Uh uh No no, I think it's interesting. I think it's important.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

Wait, you just said the word for make it is Aslo.

SPEAKER_02 34:47

Aslo. But that's to make like cookies. That's what I mean. Yeah. Become a success.

SPEAKER_04 34:56

Would it be Oh my god, that would be a good thing.

SPEAKER_11 35:04

You're gargling.

SPEAKER_04 35:09

Prunifar.

SPEAKER_10 35:11

Nunca de la parto in la famiglia. Nunca nunca triunfarás.

SPEAKER_02 35:16

Which means you're never gonna trump Trump. You know, Trump. Triumph or Triumph. Sorry. Trump?

unknown 35:24

What the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 35:25

My English is bad too. Because I'm half spoken.

SPEAKER_11 35:28

That means you're never gonna be Trump.

SPEAKER_02 35:31

That was fascinating. Nunca triunfaras.

SPEAKER_11 35:35

Don't just call me a fat ass. I swear to God, it just sounded a fat ass.

SPEAKER_10 35:41

That's literally. Let's just stick to mandarina.

SPEAKER_08 35:45

Is it what is fat ass? What the fuck is going on, Rachel? Are you speaking real? It sounds like Latina. What is that? Anoestra.

SPEAKER_10 36:06

Ala Man. Rachel.

SPEAKER_08 36:09

What is that? It's cierte, it's very.

SPEAKER_11 36:17

Both of you are.

SPEAKER_03 36:18

I'm good at doing fake language.

SPEAKER_11 36:20

Me too. Want to hear the pasti kuno? Gar, I love when you laugh like that.

SPEAKER_10 37:04

It's one of my favor.

SPEAKER_03 37:05

Nothing comes down, so I have to scream. My boyfriend calls that my man scream. Stop manscreaming.

SPEAKER_10 37:14

He needs to stop scolding you because you're a fucking goddamn delight. He doesn't care. No, he he's being delight. No, I know he's delight with you. He's like Rose to you. He's being played with you. Yeah, they have a great relationship. No, I know they do because you've always seemed very calm since you've been with them. And you were I'm not gonna bring up names, but you were someone. Oh yes.

SPEAKER_12 37:36

And no one ever forgets that.

SPEAKER_11 37:38

Well, you know. I'm not remembering, but we don't have to, you'll tell me after.

SPEAKER_10 37:42

But um, yeah, she was uh yeah. You I mean, I'm just glad you're safe. Thank you. Oh my god, what was happening?

SPEAKER_11 37:51

I'm just glad that you're out of the basement.

SPEAKER_10 37:54

She's eaten a few nutty ones, but but um if I had started really loud and smelly, he would have left a long time ago.

SPEAKER_12 38:02

Rarden.

SPEAKER_02 38:03

Rarden.

SPEAKER_10 38:04

But the the FBI thing is utterly fascinating that you just call the FBI and then.

SPEAKER_02 38:08

Oh, so this is what I was gonna say. So at in college, we had a list of alumni, and so I went immediately to FBI alumni, and I called a guy and I said, Can I interview you? Because I'm interested in becoming an FBI agent. And that's when I went to his house and he was like, Don't do it. Don't do it. He was pretty bad, but older. I mean, I was like, you know, 22. He was probably in his 30s, uh, which is fine. Yeah. And uh and he was uh Rachel just went, I'm around. And he's like, don't do it, you'll never get married, you'll never have kids, you'll be alone. And if you speak Spanish, you'll always go to Colombia for all the drug. This is ridiculous.

SPEAKER_11 38:47

Rachel, who is it?

SPEAKER_10 38:48

This is amazing. No, who is it? What the fuck? Um my god, who is it? No, nobody needs that right now. No one needs Joe who'll call us all pigs, and I'm not in the mood. I get to identify. I'll call myself a pig.

SPEAKER_11 39:09

Wow, and you'll have to go to Columbia to do all only the drug deals.

SPEAKER_02 39:12

Oh, forget it. Forget it. I'm not doing that. Yeah. I don't want to be with the drug agents.

SPEAKER_11 39:16

Yeah, who wants to put a brick of cocaine in their ass? Yeah. I do.

SPEAKER_10 39:22

You just went to No, that doesn't sound exhausting. And one thing with the FBI agent that I uh was with was like, he didn't fucking tell me anything. I'm like, give me a little something. And also, it's like, here's the thing. You can he was going to like Niger all the time and like Ghana and stuff, but it's like, yeah, you don't have to give your girlfriend an answer about anything. It's like, yeah, you could be going to Ghana, but you could also be like getting sucked off. I don't know what the fuck's going to be like. Right.

SPEAKER_11 39:47

You could be, yeah, you could be in like Spokane, Washington, getting like your ass licked.

SPEAKER_10 39:51

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_11 39:53

Sorry, I was just there. That's how that happened.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

My my fri one of my friends from high school dated an FBI agent, and she said it was the worst thing because they're so shut down because they don't show anything that they shut everything down.

SPEAKER_09 40:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 40:07

But he would bring his gun everywhere, and one thing that fascinated me was that he would just like throw his gun on the table. Like I thought there would be some sort of gun etiquette. And then he would hurl it absolutely anywhere. We were making pasta. I'm like, can you move your gun? I'm fucking so hot, bitch. That's really so fucking hot. And he always put it right here in his like in his in his like little belt, you know? God, I still throb for him.

SPEAKER_11 40:29

Throb I always say Rachel talks like she's from another, you know, another time.

SPEAKER_10 40:36

I had to like delete him on anything because he's like, he was just not really available, and he was just, but we were still like kind of seeing each other, but there was he would never just every time I've just stopped calling him, he'd call me after he got back from fucking right, you know, Taiwan or whatever. And he'd be like, What's up? You know, like and but I'm but I was like, I was getting nothing.

SPEAKER_02 40:54

Like I was just like, Yeah, yeah, it's not worth it.

SPEAKER_11 40:56

The sex with him was probably amazing, right?

SPEAKER_10 40:58

Did he hold a gun?

SPEAKER_11 41:00

Did he ever fuck you with the gun?

SPEAKER_10 41:03

I would joke around so much about that. I'd be like, I'm in trouble, I'm a little naughty bag. Oh yes. He was like not up for like some of my horse shit. Yeah. Yes. But he was so fucking hot. Um, and he No, you know what the thing is, he I like to make guys wait to hook up and I do this weird cuddling period that my friends give me shit for or whatever.

SPEAKER_02 41:23

Totally worth it. I know what you mean. Yeah, because I'm gonna get too attached.

SPEAKER_10 41:27

Like, yeah, so I like make them do some sort of cock teasing semi period or whatever. But I tell him ahead of time, I'm like, you're gonna have a semi or whatever. And well, I I I I talk about stage, I'm like, if I was your sexual attorney, I'd recommend you don't take this deal. I'm not saying that I have a golden pussy that it's worth this level of you know, these tears of waiting. But um, I'm like, look. And and anyway, so he was the only one that wasn't trying. So most guys, they try and you lay next to them, and you know, you're they're gonna whatever. You why didn't he try, you think? He was like, I kept loosening the brain. Like, I'm like, look, tits are complimentary. Like, I'm like trying to explain to him, like, you're allowed to go for some things. There's some chapters that are open on my body right now. But um, but he wasn't really trying. But then when we which was weird to me, and then he invited me to come over to make dinner for me at his house, and I went over there and he made dinner, which is like I was fucking in love with him at this point. We go over there, he watched, we watched TV for like four hours. I'm like, fuck it, put your hand on my thigh. But then when we we find I had to be like, Well, should we go to the bed? Like, I took the lead him over. Like, fucking.

SPEAKER_12 42:30

Even that face is from another generation. Yeah, that's how I find it. I'm throbbing right now.

SPEAKER_00 42:36

Should we go over to the bedroom?

SPEAKER_10 42:39

I like Blanch. You're right. I said like Blanche to the gold and he goes, Well, I bet you might like to go follow me over to the bedroom when I've been passed around but a few times. Yeah, I wore some long fucking nightgown. Let's have some cheesecake between my thumbs. Ugh, disgusting. But anyway, I like how to lead him to the bedroom. I'm like, you're supposed to be- But then we started hooking up really good. Wait, everything he did when he went down, oh fucking impeccable work. Yeah. Except that then he was like, I don't have a condom. Okay, so I was like, uh, alright, you know, but wouldn't you fucking have a condom ready if your girl's coming over? So he did everything. Yeah. And then the second or third time we hooked up, also everything, but for didn't have a condom with him again. Now he's hard, he's good at everything. So at first I'd be like, oh, he's in the closet. But I'm like, I think it's fucking weird that you don't have a condom three times in a row. Fucking run.

SPEAKER_11 43:28

I don't know about that stuff.

SPEAKER_02 43:30

I feel like some guys think you will be like, all right, let's do it anyway. And they don't care. Because some guys will not use a condom. Yeah, yeah. Like they don't like the feeling.

SPEAKER_10 43:38

No, he wasn't going for that because he wasn't asking. Like, he wasn't, and he was so fucking like you know, uh sealed off. No, I think he either had a sexual issue, maybe he had an S C D, or maybe something else was going on. But there was some reason he didn't want to have sex itself. And one weird thing other weird thing is that when maybe he had an informant down there and he didn't want you to hear it.

SPEAKER_11 44:06

Wait, let's hear the weird thing because i he's not gonna see this.

SPEAKER_10 44:09

He always wanted to like so like he would go down, he didn't ask for much, like you know, I have to try to like return it. But then he would always want to stand up. And I'm like, that's a little strange. Like you have to be standing up for you to blow him?

SPEAKER_11 44:23

I don't call it that, Jessica. What do you call it?

SPEAKER_10 44:28

Oh my god. Rachel, there's no upper crotch. Just well, I only blow the ball sack. I don't believe in blowing the penis. I only blow the carriage. Because who thanks the carriage? Who thanks the holder of the peen? No one. I do peen. I'll only blow a man's balls. I don't ever blow.

SPEAKER_02 44:47

They are interesting, but no.

SPEAKER_11 44:49

No, I don't blow a man's balls. I'm sorry. I can't. That was yeah. The standing thing might be the FBI thing.

SPEAKER_10 44:56

Yeah, but there was no other like I'm gonna degrade you. It was just like he sort of needed to stand up at the edge. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_11 45:02

Did he put his hands behind his back? Like was he at attention?

SPEAKER_10 45:04

Like he was getting arrested.

SPEAKER_11 45:07

Or like he don't they have to stand in line a lot and told what to do with it.

SPEAKER_02 45:11

Did he have really strong legs? What are the hottest things? She loves strong legs. Oh, because she loves strong strong legs. Right, but if his legs are strong, I think it's about doing it standing up because he wants to be able to show you that he can hold you.

SPEAKER_10 45:24

No, it wasn't about holding me. He just wanted to stand up while I French kissed his ball sack. No, I don't know. It was like what, but like he did not avoid having sex. I'm telling you, three times you don't have a con ready and you're not pushing to have sex with Akon. Have you Facebooked him? No, because I literally can't find him because he's like blo I blocked him on everything or like unfollowed it because I knew I would call I would like pick up his call one more time or whatever. You know, like I like erased every last thing because I was so excited about him and I was like, I can't. He's given me nothing. Like he came to see me at Madison Square Garden, you know, and like I was opening for somebody there, um uh I think for Louis there. And so then and then he comes over to my house afterwards to spend the night, you know. And so you're thinking like he'd be a little excited. Like he's it's kind of an interesting thing to see somebody playing. Of course, it's a huge thing. Yeah, but he like had a five o'clock call with like I don't know, some bitch in Ghana or something. And I was like, Some bitch in Ghana. And it was like, again, he's like, Oh, I didn't bring a con. And I'm like, enough of this. This is getting crazy. He wasn't like advancing. That's natural. You've never confronted him about it. I think I tried to say something, and then he was like, Look, if it's not going, like he right away was just like, I guess I'm out.

SPEAKER_02 46:40

I bet he's still single. Is he still single?

SPEAKER_10 46:43

I don't know, but I think that it was that he probably just didn't have a strong enough feelings for me. And if you were actually with him, it would be very lonely because he was closed off, but it was fucking hot. That's what made it hot that he was like, of course, he wasn't available. It's hot to a certain point. Yeah. To a certain point that it's fucking, yeah, no, you're like three months. Dying of loneliness. Right after three months. It's so upsetting.

SPEAKER_11 47:01

Maybe he had a fear of balloons. There is a thing where people fear.

SPEAKER_10 47:05

He would just do these dates that you do in rom-coms when you're falling in love with somebody. He's like, let's have ice cream at Central Park, like at fucking these, and then I'll make dinner for you. It's like, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 47:13

Like I the the honeymoon phase of a relationship, I find so much fun. Of course. That for me, it took me a while to go to part two. Like, I loved the honeymoon phase too. It's so exciting. And I remember my therapist would be like, This isn't love. You're high right now.

SPEAKER_11 47:30

Yeah, that's so true. Yeah, it really is. I mean, that's what everyone is always searching for.

SPEAKER_10 47:35

He was also like an Irish, you know, probably alcoholic. Like he always had a little bit of hand. Yeah, exactly. My type of thing he was shut down.

SPEAKER_00 47:43

You lucked out.

SPEAKER_10 47:44

Yeah, luckily I uh remember the exact same principality. Luckily, we were. The only difference with my husband is that his schedule is pretty clear. Like this guy was always in fucking yeah, Guyana. Does he stand to where was he? No, but he's totally, did you say? I yeah, Guyana. I know Guyana's a country. Yeah, he was always in. Yeah. Guyana? It's Guyana. It's not Guyana. Guyana. There's a Guyana, right? Oh, really? Yeah, it sounds like Guyana.

SPEAKER_02 48:11

There's a Ghana and a Guyana. Oh, there is a Guyana? I don't know.

SPEAKER_11 48:16

Oh, hell yeah, mother.

SPEAKER_02 48:17

Is there?

SPEAKER_11 48:18

Wow, Rachel.

SPEAKER_02 48:20

Well. Guy's in Africa. Where's Guyana?

SPEAKER_04 48:24

South America. Oh.

SPEAKER_10 48:26

Yeah, it's in Wisconsin. South America? It's on the southern tip of Wisconsin. I performed there in Wisconsin as a couple of years.

SPEAKER_12 48:32

At the Guyana Comedy Club? It's like favorite club.

SPEAKER_10 48:36

I only think there was a Guyana because we had a boxing coach once, and he brought his like brother to like audit the class. And it was like me, Keith Robinson, and just all these pigs. And we were all just being disgusting to each other. Like imagine us in a boxing like regular gym. I mean, they were being idiots. And and Keith kept pretending to like jerk off and like and like hurl the cum over to me. And I would like lap it up and like thank him. Like, and I didn't think about how disgusting this looks. And his brother came to like audit the class. And he was like, he was in a suit. He was like some sort of businessman from Guyana, like visiting. Yeah. And you could just see him watching maybe like like you know what I mean? And like I think I think that he went home and like hugged his wife a little tighter that day. Like because he didn't know such pigs existed in the world, you know? Like he was just like, what a vile fucking slut. Yeah. Yeah. Back to the FBI.

SPEAKER_12 49:24

There's nothing else to say.

SPEAKER_02 49:26

I think or your dad wasn't in it. I really do, you guys. I don't he know he was always in town. Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 49:35

Well, maybe that wasn't really him. Maybe that was Bob. His clone.

SPEAKER_08 49:41

They probably do have clothes out.

SPEAKER_11 49:43

I bet they I bet there's clones. Yeah, there's nothing.

SPEAKER_08 49:46

Do you think it's hot to somebody be in the C I H S? Is that your thing? Yes. But not Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 49:52

I do think it's, of course. I think it's hot to every anyone.

SPEAKER_02 49:55

Anything secretive is hot. Yeah. Is hot. Right.

SPEAKER_11 49:58

Yeah. Like if they're if they're if the man is really gay and you don't know, that's hot.

SPEAKER_02 50:02

That's really or a secret plumber.

SPEAKER_10 50:05

A secret plumber is amazing. Like he's just embarrassed that he's a plumber, so he doesn't tell people.

SPEAKER_11 50:12

So he plums on the side. And you keep finding things like a plunger and then you see his ass crack and you're like, I knew it all along.

SPEAKER_02 50:20

I knew you were a plumber.

SPEAKER_11 50:23

I think we should play a game. Do you guys want to play a game? Okay, Zach, what do we have? Alright.

SPEAKER_04 50:29

So we got a bag of characters. So I got a bag of wigs here. So you guys can each grab you a little wig and then I'll read off a um a scenario and you guys can play it out for a little bit.

SPEAKER_11 50:39

Okay, so I just want to say, first of all, he's been talking about this bag of wigs, which I really wanted to delve into, but I'm not, I was not gonna do with I was gonna do with you too. How did you find something? You can't look. You have to just close our eyes. Yeah. Okay. And you have to just grab whatever wig and wait, and then you have to be that these two are brilliant.

SPEAKER_02 50:58

Should we not look at each other's wigs, or can I look at you and your wig?

SPEAKER_11 51:02

I don't think we should. No, I think it's funny if we just put it on and don't even see each other until we open our eyes. Don't you think that's better?

SPEAKER_10 51:10

Just lay down with me to bed for five minutes. Thanks. Okay. Um, hold on.

SPEAKER_02 51:14

Oh, we're not supposed to look at it. We're not looking, right?

unknown 51:16

All right.

SPEAKER_02 51:16

Alright, I'm gonna get it from the bottom.

SPEAKER_11 51:18

You look like a very abusive Catholic mother.

SPEAKER_10 51:21

Yes! Yes, you're right. You would definitely like here's how you tuck in your daughter. You go, there's a there's a correct and an incorrect body. You have an incorrect body. Good night. Oh, it's not that there's anything wrong with you. Some women have good bodies and some women have unpleasant ones. Yours is unpleasant. Good night. Yeah. It's like they decided to stop curling halfway through their hair.

SPEAKER_11 51:51

What does mine look like?

SPEAKER_10 51:53

I mean, hers is so frantic, right?

SPEAKER_02 51:55

Like it's like it's almost like you have stuck your finger in an electric socket. Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 52:02

But you're also in the 80s. You're permanently an astonished rocker. You're like Rod Stewart, but also, I think. Yeah, he looks younger. Yeah, younger than Rod, for sure. But the hair looks young.

SPEAKER_11 52:14

I like that I'm a guy.

SPEAKER_10 52:16

Oh, yeah, you're a guy.

SPEAKER_11 52:17

Okay, cool.

SPEAKER_10 52:18

And listen, I'd bang you. Wait till you're fucking amazing. It's my the crazy. Rachel, Rachel, you're gonna die.

SPEAKER_02 52:30

Where did you get this wig?

SPEAKER_04 52:33

Don't ask questions. Yeah, why? The blow-up doll at home? Why do you have these wigs? Don't ask questions.

SPEAKER_10 52:38

Did you masturbate the scenario as is uh we're like men?

SPEAKER_11 52:43

Oh my god, I can't. Okay. All right, let's do this scenario.

SPEAKER_04 52:48

Yeah, I I have a couple, so you know, if one doesn't fit your fancy, we can go into the next one.

SPEAKER_11 52:53

I know, I love what you guys are doing.

unknown 52:56

All right.

SPEAKER_04 52:57

I think this one's appropriate for the wig selection. Uh Carmen is the company's HR rep, and Jessica and Rachel have been called in after a major spat involving an ex and a stapler.

SPEAKER_02 53:07

Ladies, now you just got here, I know, but you've been at Target now for 20 years, and I don't know what happened out there, but I don't like fights in front of customers. Got it?

SPEAKER_11 53:18

Yes. Don't don't do that. You were very abusive in the art aisle. How much mound do you need?

SPEAKER_10 53:26

How much what? Mound. She tells me that she's I'm the only one that she fingers, and she's I'm not the only one she fingers.

SPEAKER_02 53:35

Do you guys you guys need to finger only an aisle 25? That is the hardware aisle. Yeah, but you don't finger each other in the front part of the of Target.

SPEAKER_11 53:46

We fingered in the pet aisle, and I fingered you very good. I feared you.

SPEAKER_12 53:52

You are an excellent finger.

SPEAKER_11 53:53

That's not my complaint with you.

SPEAKER_10 53:54

It's that you finger others. I only need you. I want you to mound me out every day, and then you go and travel towards other mounds. Why would you do this? You go to a ruler section and oh, I got to fuck that little perky girl. Oh, she's only 23. Look at the stars in her eyes. Bitch, I am a senior target bitch, and I know how to do mounds with you. You need secondary puss? I don't think so.

SPEAKER_02 54:17

I'm sorry, I'm not even married. What is what is a mound? Can you explain it to me?

SPEAKER_11 54:22

She said that's what she says. She calls things mound. You know, I'm I'm a man, and I need more than one mound.

SPEAKER_02 54:32

Okay. Is the mound her vagina?

SPEAKER_11 54:34

Yeah, it's her pussy.

SPEAKER_02 54:36

We don't talk like that at Target. It's her fucking You're fired.

SPEAKER_11 54:40

No, I'm not.

SPEAKER_02 54:41

You're right. We need your work. Thank you. She's a good sportsman. Well, she's great with the the garage, the people who park in the garage.

SPEAKER_12 54:52

I'll tell you why she's great.

SPEAKER_10 54:54

She suckles on veg there. Everywhere she finds veg for herself.

SPEAKER_02 54:58

How is it that I've never been asked to be sucked on by my mound?

SPEAKER_10 55:03

Because your mound is severe and not forthcoming. You have a stingy, selfish mound. And she likes a giving mound, young white-eyed mound. She wants to be looked up to. She has a hero complex. That's the end of the scene. I'm a key. Sorry, he. He, baby, here. I'm sorry, baby.

SPEAKER_09 55:24

I know. Should we do one more? You have to do one more. We have to do another one. Oh my gosh. Sorry.

SPEAKER_12 55:34

Is that real?

SPEAKER_11 55:35

That's such a good one. You're like, what about my mat? Should I still suckle on different? Suckle? She said suckle. She wants to suckle on the other. Wait, so these are all different ones?

SPEAKER_02 55:47

These are all different ones. Okay.

SPEAKER_12 55:50

Is this right? Wait, sorry. I should have looked. I didn't look like a lot of things. Is that right? I don't know if it's the front or the back. You look like Joan Jett in real. That's the best thing anyone's ever said to me. You look trendy. I do? Yeah. Do I look like that?

SPEAKER_11 56:08

Do I look like that ice skater that won in the Olympics?

SPEAKER_12 56:12

Tanya Harding? Tanya.

SPEAKER_10 56:16

Tanya Harding with. Oh.

unknown 56:19

Oh yes.

SPEAKER_10 56:20

Oh, you mean what's her name? Tanya with Umbre. Alyssa Lu. Elisa Lu. What? Alisa. That actually does not look bad. Like, it's the problem is really just the height of the part because it looks like her head is like an L like a sort of like. Should I lift it up or pull it down? You need to pull it down in the back. It looks like your head is like this big in a mountain. Like it's like this mounting egg or something.

SPEAKER_03 56:43

Yeah, but that it's like Rachel has a necklace on, has it?

SPEAKER_11 56:55

Has anyone a dress? And look how loose it is. Did you hold it back?

SPEAKER_03 57:00

That's hilarious.

SPEAKER_11 57:02

Rachel, it's supposed to be tight. It's okay. We're just playing a game.

SPEAKER_02 57:06

You wanted me to tighten it. Yes, please.

SPEAKER_10 57:09

Again, can you touch my lower back?

SPEAKER_02 57:14

And that guy came in with neck brave.

SPEAKER_08 57:16

Yep. Can you whisper you deserve love in my left ear?

unknown 57:23

Including a fucking broken neck, bitch.

SPEAKER_10 57:25

Oh God, fuck yeah. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_12 57:29

Yeah. That looks good.

SPEAKER_11 57:33

Wait, Carmen looks like fucking. I said she rock and roll. Or love.

SPEAKER_12 57:38

Rock and roll. Fuck yeah, bitches. My tasher is so bad. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_11 57:43

You look like young blood.

SPEAKER_03 57:45

She looks like a Croatian rocker. Helly Honda Sat go! Yah!

SPEAKER_11 57:53

We need help. We really need. We're adult women. I'm so happy I won the Olympics. Um I've worked I want to kill more!

unknown 58:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_10 58:13

I'm killing you! I was the one I was the one you didn't finish with, and you left me unfinished. I was your unfinished killer.

SPEAKER_03 58:20

I'm coming back for you, bitch, after my band plays a little longer.

SPEAKER_11 58:26

We really need to go away so Alright, here's the scenario.

SPEAKER_04 58:30

Sorry. You're a major pop star group on the decline, and you're all blaming each other for the lack of a new hit.

SPEAKER_10 58:36

Listen, I wrote Rock Me Vadge. It was up to you to fucking rock out to that song.

SPEAKER_02 58:41

We've been playing Rock Me Vadge for six years, okay?

SPEAKER_10 58:45

What about Kill Me Vag? It's the end of the fucking song when you need to do the really rock out empowering jig and you don't fucking do it.

SPEAKER_06 58:54

Your jig is like I don't understand like why you guys don't agree with me. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, I just think we should go like vag vag, vag vag, vag, vag, v-ge, veg. Like that should be the song. I've been saying that for a long time. Like, we're never gonna make it. I don't understand what they're doing.

SPEAKER_10 59:14

This is about resistance, okay? It's not scary enough. You gotta scare those people that are scared of our power. So at the end of Rock Me Vadge, we've gotta go back to back and go, Rock Me Veg, Rock Me Veg. Are you scared of this veg? It's wide open and it's coming for you.

SPEAKER_02 59:30

What about the fact that we're called the country music Dixie? Like, that song is not country.

SPEAKER_06 59:39

Well, I can do a country. Rock me vage, and I really want to rock this veg. Rock me vage.

SPEAKER_08 59:49

I hope you understand that it was part of my journey, and this is when I had a slip and fall. When I was singing about my own story, can I clearly speak for myself? And this is my own story and how I celebrate my journey, which is um how many abortions can one woman have? Dot dot dot eleven. And it was about things that I'd been through. Okay. And I have had after listen, have I had a basket of abortions? Yes. It's but basket of abortions. Basket of abortions. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:14

Wait, ready go? Ready, go. Basket of abortions. Basket of abortions. Later. Later. Later turn, I'm worth it. I'm worth it. Basket better than an Easter basket. It's not okay to abort a baby when they're two years old.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:31

I dyed my hair because I killed my parents. And I'm coming up.

SPEAKER_10 1:00:38

Oh my.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:39

Give me that neck again, you whore!

SPEAKER_11 1:00:43

We we really need someone to step in. Um do we have to wrap it up? Okay. Um I could I could talk to you guys first. Ow!

SPEAKER_02 1:00:58

Ow! Most attractive is when you first take your wig off. Hi everyone! Look at my hair. It's so bouncy. What is stuck on me?

SPEAKER_12 1:01:11

Why is Jesse stuck?

SPEAKER_10 1:01:13

It's so ridiculous.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:15

Oh God. Keep that around. I'm gonna fuck it later. Um I I'm so sorry. Hold on one second, please. I'm so sorry to the viewers for what just happened.

SPEAKER_12 1:01:31

They're gonna love it. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:35

Your pubes have ombre.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:37

It's alive. Well, that was a new wig. Why it's so dark. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_10 1:01:45

Jess, how much hair is too much hair? That's I'd rather be a fuck a goat. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life.

SPEAKER_11 1:01:52

That's yeah, that's the pat for it. Um, I can't handle how funny this was and how much I love you both. Uh, it's again, like sisters. It's amazing.

SPEAKER_09 1:02:02

Go see Carmen and Rachel. Support them, follow them. CarmenLynch.com. CarmenLynch.com.

SPEAKER_11 1:02:09

Carmen is brilliant. Okay, both of these women are brilliant. You need I don't laugh at a lot of people. I post her clips all the time, both of them.

SPEAKER_10 1:02:17

Thank you.

SPEAKER_11 1:02:18

On my stories, because they're unbelievably funny.

SPEAKER_10 1:02:20

Rachel, what's your Oh, you can see me at the Bleeding Across America tour. Um I'll also be playing um uh I'm also doing a few different female comedy tours. I'm doing the Cackling Holes tour. Um, that's gonna be great. Pretty much sold out. Low ticket alert for the tackling holes.

SPEAKER_11 1:02:37

The saddest thing is Carmen believed it. That's how two female groups.

SPEAKER_10 1:02:42

Yeah, this is the Chuckle Hut bleeding group. Yeah, pumps and pussies, pumps and punchlines. Um, and I'll be doing the um oh yeah, just the just a little club. It's just a hole in the wall in uh Alabama. No, um, you can go to my website, Rachel Feinstein. She just fresh. I forgot my website because it's my punch up live page. But Rachel Feinstein. I love you guys. Thank you for being on.

SPEAKER_11 1:03:10

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_10 1:03:10

Please help me.