The Jessica Kirson Show

The Last Bush w/ Liz Glazer & Tracey Carnazzo

Jessica Kirson Episode 8

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This week's episode gets absolutely unhinged as Jessica Kirson welcomes comedians Liz Glazer and Tracey Carnazzo. What starts with Liz talking about her cat nearing the end of its life, quickly spirals into conversations about cat anatomy, souls passing through the crotch, launching a face-sitting business, and every absurd tangent imaginable. 

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SPEAKER_02

How big is the biggest pickle you've ever pushed out? Hmm. I'm smiling because this is so embarrassing. Sure.

SPEAKER_03

I know, and now it's like I feel funny too, because like my grandmother's gonna watch this and she's still alive?

SPEAKER_00

No, but like she's gonna She's probably watching it now.

SPEAKER_01

She's probably watching us recording. That's like the best thing about being dead. You can watch podcasts before they're released. That's the best thing.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my god, that is before they're edited. Before you edit, I've never The Jessica Cus show. I don't feel sick. So your dad's funeral was on I mean his Shiva. Well the funeral was also on Zoom. What how did that work?

SPEAKER_01

Did you it was yeah, outside. Oh my god, me too.

SPEAKER_03

Oh you had it live outside. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Wow.

SPEAKER_03

Well, also because did you hire anyone or was it like iPhone?

SPEAKER_01

Uh I think it was Tracy's question. I think it was the rabbi's iPhone. My mother's rabbi's iPhone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy iPhone. Yeah. Um HiPhone. Yeah, with a tripod.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. How many people were there? It was just me, my mom, my brother, and my wife.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that's exactly how you did it.

SPEAKER_01

Well, my wife is a rabbi, but that's separate. Your wife is a rabbi? I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. So anyway, um, but yeah, and then because we had people calling in to speak. On the specifically his sister, who lives in Israel. And so there that way it could be live streamed to them. Obviously, they wouldn't have been able to be there anyway. Right. You know, whatever. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So she so she you heard her on speakerphone speaking?

SPEAKER_01

Like through the Zoom. Yeah. Yeah. They're allowed people. So of course. I mean, we would have heard her without it just from Israel, I think. What's that? Oh, it's Assyria. Yeah. I mean, my dad talks so loud. My dad, you know, it's like a I'm not yelling.

SPEAKER_02

I know that's exactly what I that's why I I think that's why I have horrific anxiety because that's how everyone talks about my family. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You're sick.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

Right. It's like a siren is actually calming because it's a lower decibel level than everybody in the house.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I I totally agree. Do you have anxiety? No. I know you're a comic. Why don't you even ask me anymore? Of course, yes, of course. Do you what do you do to deal with it? Uh I'll ask you next.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, do we we're not here because everything's okay. I always say that. Right, right.

SPEAKER_02

But do you do like you look very healthy? Thank you. Okay. Do you do a lot of that? Like you make shakes and pray? No. Well, I do pray. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I do pray.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Um to who? To Hashem. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, you know, OG, whatever. Yeah. But um, yeah, I mean, I've been in therapy a long time, 19 years. Just ended with the 19 year long therapist. Yeah. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you feel sad? Um, you know, yes and no, you know, like it was time. Yeah. And I felt that. And she was good. Yeah, I felt that that was good. And yeah, so I think I have such anxiety that like more, I don't know, like I got sober, that helped. Like the stuff like that helps. And then I started to really think about like, you know what, I don't, I don't think my anxiety is ever gonna go away. I this is what every comic has been saying to me. I say this really I've accepted it. Yeah, I accept it. I'm I'm I'm not okay. Like it's just is what it is. Right, right. So I I try and do things that just allow me to give it somewhere to go. And so a joke version of this, which is based on truth, is like now I only park illegally because at least then I have something specific to worry about. Right. Yeah. But and and that's a little bit true, but like obviously a joke. Yeah. But like in seriousness, like I like to have a little research project. I like, you know, like now I'm like, okay, I got here on New Jersey Transit, the ticket's good for two hours and 45 minutes. Am I gonna get out of here enough with enough time to use the ticket that I got from the way?

SPEAKER_02

So it's kind of like gambling.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, which I won't do. Oh, yeah. Because I love to gamble. Really?

SPEAKER_02

I can't no, I don't do it because I have kids, it's their fault. Sure. But I could sit at a blackjack table for two days. I'm sure I have too. Really? Yeah. Interesting. I just hate when people take their time to make a choice. Yeah. I'm like, fucking are you sticking or are you yeah. Sure. Yeah. No, I could see that being very annoying. It's very hard. Yeah, yeah. Do you have you have anxiety? Anxiety. Huh? Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I'm getting better though.

SPEAKER_02

You are. I feel like I am. You seem like you're but you're doing Pilates and stuff. I'm doing a lot of Pilates. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_03

I don't know if that's good for anxiety. I think it is.

SPEAKER_02

And any kind of working out, that's why I don't do it. Like I like being in pain. Okay. I'm very, I don't, I like I'm I think I enjoy pain, yeah. Yeah. It's like familiar to me. Yeah. It's really interesting. Sure.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I think so. Um yeah, I think that I'm getting better at exactly what you said, accepting it. Sure. It's like you're never gonna get better. Like you're yeah this is who you are. It's right. It's your personality.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, you can get a little better, but it's a lot of work. Think about it when I'm just exhausted. I know.

SPEAKER_03

It's like what would we have if we didn't have anxiety? Right.

SPEAKER_02

Have you done other kinds of therapy, like couples and group? I've done a lot of shit.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I've done both of those.

SPEAKER_02

Did you what did you think of group therapy?

SPEAKER_01

Well, that was I was like in a mental ward when I did that. Because this was when I was in law school and like I was like freaking out about I don't remember, like some paper. I had like a few different episodes in law school where I was just like having a panic attack and that kind of thing. So I've definitely gotten better from that, just side note. But um, yeah, so I did group therapy. I remember there was like an exercise where we were told to put on lotion like very slowly.

SPEAKER_03

And everybody in the Liz, what kind of group were you in?

SPEAKER_01

I just looked at Tracy like group therapy. Yeah, yeah, just silencing the lamb shit. Right. Yeah, it's not yeah, wait, everyone put on lotions what kind of thing? Like to be soothing. I don't know. I mean, it was in a hospital.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. On your hands, though, on your health. Yeah, on your hands. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And each other. But uh no, not really. But um, yeah, so I don't know. We're not a compound. Right. Like at that time, it was like a crisis. Like then I was really not okay. But yeah, anytime it's a crisis, you have to put on lotion. That's what they say.

SPEAKER_02

And maybe if I put on lotion when I went away to a trauma center, I would be okay, right? Probably.

SPEAKER_01

I'm guessing, yeah. So whatever. But yeah, I mean, you know, I think there's a reason that I don't do law anymore. Like, I don't think that that was for me. Yeah. And I think that in some ways, like my brain, anxiety, body, whatever was like telling me that in a few different ways. And, you know, not that like it's been smooth sailing a hundred percent since you know, doing something else, but I do think it helps, like, if you're doing something that you're kind of into. Right, of course.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, some jobs are too lustful. Right. Yeah, totally. When I was a s a sex worker, it was very hard. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was always just tired and it was hard to have boundaries and tell all these men, you know, yeah, uh face sitting. Okay, good. Yeah. Yeah, wow. I can see that. You have very strong hips. Especially with people who um very good. Do people text about my hips in the comedy community? I mean, in the in the comedy community, I don't think they text about anything else. You could just Oh wow, that's good to know. Is it is it positive or is it strong hips?

SPEAKER_03

You have good hip flexors one comment.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, what was the comment that wasn't? I just saw you look at her like not all the comments.

SPEAKER_01

I think it just said weak hips. Question mark. So, you know, it invited some response. I think. We don't talk to that girl anymore. Yeah, yeah. Oh, thank you. That's so protective. She has no awful hips. I mean, it's always like you see what you are. Right.

SPEAKER_02

And I don't know if people are okay with that. It's normally I I face it on people who have breathing issues. Sure. That's not people would.

SPEAKER_03

You're like a death doula. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like a hospice.

SPEAKER_02

When people hospice they call me in and I just slam it on the city.

SPEAKER_03

I want my last breath to be Jessica's pussy. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's called I can see that.

SPEAKER_02

It's called the the end with pussy sitting face fucking. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not always comfortable. I do work out. You're right. You're right. This the thing is, is like when the family's there, I prefer when they're not there because they they whine like we don't want this. We don't want to see this. I'm like, but dad does. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

That should put it in his paperwork. Yeah, that should be on Zoom.

SPEAKER_02

Right. That you're right. That's better on Zoom because you can mute everyone. Then you get up behind the camera and shut the camera off for a second. Totally. Like you're not going to want to see this. And I'm quick. I'm like the best at it. I just slam down once and they're gone. I heard they have to latch, though.

SPEAKER_01

That's tougher than you'd think. I know. In any situation.

SPEAKER_02

Is that easier with your wife, like the latching? Me to her? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I can latch. My daughter uh did it, we didn't do breastfeeding. Oh, because she just wait, what are we talking about? Well, I mean, generally the latching is about that. Yeah. So I went into that. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not like me, my daughter, and my wife are just like latching on each other. Right.

SPEAKER_02

You know, I used to do latching. Really? I used to, yeah, the nipple latching for many, many years. And then I just like, I think people just saw that I was so the agent I work with thought I was so good at that. Yeah. That he's like, why don't we try face it? Because you have to, you guys know from this business, you have to change it up. Yeah, yeah. You have to have all different streams of income. Exactly. Totally. Exactly. And it's like saying I'm not an MC anymore, I'm not an opener, so that you can become a headliner. Like the face sitting is my headlining. Yeah. You dabble. Yeah. So you could do an hour. Oh my. Yeah. At this point, I can do an hour and a half. An hour? Right. Yeah. An hour and a half.

SPEAKER_01

Right? I mean, basically we're selling. Like your legs would cramp. Right.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah. I mean, it's it's and some people like it shaven, some people. That's what they put in the paperwork.

SPEAKER_00

You can't make everybody happy. No. Yeah. No. Never. Oh, you find out beforehand. Yes.

SPEAKER_02

It's all, it's all like we would like a bush, we would like shave, you know. Sure, sure. And I always respect that. I mean they're passing away. Yeah, yeah. But I'm not going to be like, I didn't shave, you know. Right, right. So even if I have to shave in front of the family too. Yeah, totally. It's last bush.

SPEAKER_03

That's what they call it, right? What is it? Lash last bush. Yeah, or yeah, yeah, last bulge.

SPEAKER_02

Sure, right.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

It's it's really you do you guys want to try it? Because I if I put a word in, you will I could probably I don't know I'll do anything. Really? Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_03

I think my legs would shake.

SPEAKER_02

Really? Um, you just you don't keep yourself up, you slam down. Okay. You have to I stretch. That's it's are you a stretcher?

SPEAKER_03

I do stretch because I do Pilates, but uh maybe I would have to hold on to like the ballet bar.

SPEAKER_02

It doesn't matter if you can hold on to the you can hold on to the medical equipment. Sometimes I do that. Okay, that's true. Yeah, I just hold on to the cords and all the stuff.

SPEAKER_03

You would have to have a little setup though. Sure.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, and sometimes it's very relaxing. Like they'll play me without that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's a lot of core strength though. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. No, you're just down. Just slam down up. Yeah. It's hard when it's hard to latch off. Sure. That gets the dish. Yeah, the dismount.

SPEAKER_03

It's like the suction.

SPEAKER_02

Right, right. You get to cut sometimes. Because they're dry. A lot of people are dry when they pass.

SPEAKER_03

This might be a weird question. Do you feel when they pass? Like, do you feel my vagina?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Right, wow.

SPEAKER_03

Like I it releases.

SPEAKER_02

I might I'm getting emotional. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

This is all.

SPEAKER_02

Sometimes it's- I brought this up. No, it's fine. It's really a beautiful thing. Okay, let me just compose myself. Sometimes I can feel a lot of the time in my vagina, I can feel them leaving the earth. That's what I meant. I even I I I I still feel like this guy, Stewie, is inside of my own. That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_03

Like, because you can't get reincarnated by that. A lot of religions don't even allow this. Really? What the latching? Yeah, because they feel like when the soul passes, it goes right up your birth canal. Oh my god. And then it's like, you know, I don't know. It's like a little sad.

SPEAKER_02

It's hard because you can't choose who is gonna enter you, whose soul is gonna enter you. Yeah. If I could, I'd uh want someone's soul that had a happy life, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

So they inject some I mean I wasn't gonna bring this up, but my cat is about to die. And so yeah, no, I'm just saying.

SPEAKER_03

So I mean I think Jessica's a book though.

SPEAKER_01

Probably. I mean I am.

SPEAKER_02

Can you hold off until like October? So I don't know that he's gonna make it till October. Well, yeah. I can fit I can fit him in because that that's much quicker. But that's what I'm saying. It's m I just hope he doesn't go inside of me. Yeah. Does he have claws?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. But like what do you mean, yeah? Yeah, like one. No, no, no. He has claws, but I'm saying he's not aggressive.

SPEAKER_02

Oh yeah, he'll be dead. Yeah, he's dying, he won't be.

SPEAKER_01

But he wasn't anyway, you know. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I mean, I could put like um uh catnip. What about a dental dam? I've never even seen one. Oh, I've used one. Really? Yeah, they're delicious. I've eaten them. I'm not that's why I'm heavy. I have a ton of ton of dental dams in the case. You're not also, but yeah, I am. But what's your cat's name? Jack. Oh, Jack and Jess. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I um I would I will smother your cat if that would mean the world to you. Okay. Because I think you're great. I think you're great. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And you. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02

And maybe I should get into business with that. You just thought of her bill. You're you're a lawyer. I mean, and you're like the most amazing business person. We could do this. We could make this happen. I think so. Just with cat? No, I think all I'm allergic to cats though.

SPEAKER_03

Can we like shift the focus of this?

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah. Sure.

SPEAKER_03

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, it's not enough money for you to have an allergic reaction. Right.

SPEAKER_03

It's like I could do dogs, we could do people, dogs, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Ferret.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, I get a little bit of hiving, but it's fine. I'll I'll work.

SPEAKER_02

You're allergic to a ferret?

SPEAKER_03

I mean, I like a ferret. I had a rabbit I was allergic to, but I still had the rabbit. I killed it. Um, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it wasn't you though. Yeah. It was a good one. I know.

SPEAKER_02

If only I was doing that years ago, I could have I could have smothered your rabbit.

SPEAKER_03

It was yeah. Wow.

SPEAKER_02

Is Jack really dying? Yes. H what does he have?

SPEAKER_01

So he has probably cancer. Oh god. Um, what else is new? I mean, right now most cats are new. No, it's here's the thing. So uh no. He has like a growth under his tongue. So he's 19 years old. Who is he?

SPEAKER_03

Michael Douglas had that, right? I don't know. That was from Catherine Zana Jones. Is it Hermes?

SPEAKER_01

I don't think so. Is it I slut? It's HPV. No, no, no, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. What I know is two weeks ago I took him to his normal appointment for a checkup. The vet was like, I think he has a growth. And and it was like, honestly, it was funny to me a little bit because I'm like, we don't need to do this acting job where you're I'm like, he's 19. I live for this cat. I love this cat. Right? But also I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_02

I know, like it's shocking that I think he might not be well. Right. I'm like 19 years old. Right.

SPEAKER_01

And so I I I mean, he is my original baby. Like I love this cat. You know, he's amazing. So anyway, and also I should say they, because when he was this is real, okay. I think it was 12 years ago, he had to get his penis cut off. What?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, because Why do you even want to be alive after that? He's I did they are fine.

SPEAKER_02

When it happened to me, I was like, let me go. And my kids were like, please, Mama, please don't go. But I didn't do any penis was re was taken off. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it was a very it was a it was a late brisk.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. The whole thing though? The whole thing. The whole penis. Well, because it's late, then you have to do even more. Right.

SPEAKER_00

Do they do that to people too?

SPEAKER_01

I don't think so. But well, so what it is, and this is like for real, if anybody, you know, just as a PSA, if you have especially a male cat going in the litter box and like whining, but nothing is coming out, I called the vet. This was, I mean, a long time ago at this point. And it might have been 15 years ago, but anyway, so I was like, hey, this is what's happening, and they're like, you need to drop everything and come right away. And I was like, okay. And then it turns out that this is a thing, especially for male cats, because their penises are too small. But he doesn't have one. Oh, he's not anymore. Yeah, right. What is TP out of his ass? It's a hole. It's like a constructed hole. He had reconstructive surgery. Basically. And so what was interesting at that time was okay, so so just to finish like the diagnosis of it, he had crystals in his urine that were too viscous to emit from such a bladder crystals, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah. So it's a victim? What is did you say?

SPEAKER_01

Like too, they were too big. The crystals themselves were like too big to get out. And so what's really dangerous is that like then you have it building up in the body, God forbid, and like cats die of this because people are like, oh, I don't know what's happening. Explode of urine. Right. It's like really sad. So anyway, so then I guess I don't know if this is like the normal vet protocol anymore. It was a long time ago, but it's like a three strikes thing where they like unblock the cat, go home again, and then the third time they're like, Okay, we have to cut off the cat's penis.

SPEAKER_03

And so do you think he knew that the night before about the third strike?

SPEAKER_01

I don't know that.

SPEAKER_03

I gotta be.

SPEAKER_01

I yeah, he really tried. Yeah, I mean, right. Like it was really traumatic at the time. But then he had it's called a perineal urethrostomy. Sure. And so and he thank god like healed. Sure. Healed fully, and it's been many years.

SPEAKER_02

But is it like a vagina with a little bump?

SPEAKER_01

I I I've I've not like seen it.

SPEAKER_02

Like, I don't think there are labial. Can you um FaceTime us with your cat and we can see what it looks like? I'm curious.

SPEAKER_03

I need to see it's like a vagina with balls. I wow. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I really don't I've never looked. You've never looked. I would look every day.

SPEAKER_03

I mean how do you stop looking? That's the real question.

SPEAKER_01

It's like a car accident. I guess if I wanted to now would be the time. Yeah, because time is limited. It is.

SPEAKER_02

But let's do it. Let's do a Zoom shirt. Like a Shiva? Shiva, but a pre-siva just so we can all see its private.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. All right. We'll do a last bush. Yeah. I feel like we should tell Zoom. Zoom would probably want to get in on this for sponsoring. Yeah, we could get sponsored. I think so. If there is anything that they'd be like, this is meaningful, it's seeing a reconstructed cat private part. Yeah, open. I think that's good. I I mean, I don't know. But in seriousness, I've I've constantly wondered like, is Jack trans or non-binary or something?

SPEAKER_03

Was it gender reaffirming or was it?

SPEAKER_01

I don't I and I would say that's his decision.

SPEAKER_03

I mean you don't know that though.

SPEAKER_01

We don't know.

SPEAKER_03

You don't know that. Really? It's like, did he block his own penis? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Did they block their own genitalia? It could be to get this just because they know about like, you know, the world and the judgment and like all that stuff. It's like, did they talk to the vet privately?

SPEAKER_02

Well, and you're right. Right, we that happens a lot. I bet. I once went out of the bathroom when my cat was at the vet. Okay. I came back in, they were having this entire conversation about it. It was crazy. And the cat. I'm like, I need to Yeah, the cat and the vet. That's why your cat got to know this. It's crazy. Right. Yeah, yeah, totally. The cat was like, please, please, my my cat. Lou, Louis. Please, please don't take my tits off. Sure.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, um, wait, I feel like I was gonna say one more thing. Sorry. No, no, no, no. Oh, this is yeah, okay. So, but at the time that this all was happening with Jack, I was with my ex like many exes ago at this point. We were engaged and didn't go through with the engagement because basically, like, she was straight and we were together. Yeah, that would be a reason. Well, yeah, that's a huge reason. No, but but she was saying to me, among other things, like you never break up for one reason. Right. But I would say, like, the the headline reason was like she was like, I need to know for sure that I will be the only one pregnant in our marriage. And at that time, even though I've never been pregnant, I haven't wanted to be pregnant.

SPEAKER_03

She's talking about Jennifer to be Oh, sorry, I thought you were connecting this.

SPEAKER_01

Well, no, no, no. But at that time, no, no, okay, so the vet, I didn't know. Yeah, no, no, sorry. Okay. So we were just having our separate whatever, right? She was like, I need to be the only one pregnant in our marriage, in the future, whatever. Yeah. Or it would have been a civil union. But anyway, so um, and we break up basically because I was a woman. Right. Like, if you think about it. Yeah. And at that same time, this whole perineal urethrostomy was happening. So there is a part of me that's like Jack was like, no, like I'm taking one for our team. Yeah. And I'm, if you need me to show her by like me not having a penis, like I will do it. Oh, and that's so. I've always thought that. Like, you know, I guess it's not okay to say spirit animal. I think that's like offensive. Sure. Why is that offensive? I think I I said it once and someone said. Why is that offensive?

SPEAKER_03

It's a Native American kind of kind of mocking their culture.

SPEAKER_01

Right. And so I'm I just I mean, I'm like, whatever. But anyway, I I said that about Jack in light of this experience because I was like, that's what it felt like. Like he, they, whatever. Jack was like, I got you. Right. Like whatever. You think that he sack sorry they saw something.

SPEAKER_03

God, you're so guys. I'm just getting used to this.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, but I mean we've said it a lot. I mean it's very saying it. Yeah, but you've done it too. I know. You've done it too. It's your cat. Um you think do you think that they, Jack, sacrificed their general for you and just to like save you from your relationship that was just not for you anymore. I think so.

SPEAKER_02

Do you still have the penis? No. Did you save it in like a jar? Because you know how some people have jarred. It's small, I would assume. Oh, that was just a problem. What?

SPEAKER_00

Huh?

SPEAKER_03

That's not even nice.

SPEAKER_02

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_00

It's small?

SPEAKER_02

We use it as a dildo. Oh, that is so creative. Right?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. You don't have another one? No. No, no. We actually lost ours like a million years ago. Really? Yeah. Your penis or your dildo. Oh. Where did you lose it? In a move. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Wait, so you use this as a dildo?

SPEAKER_01

No. Oh. I've never seen the penis.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, because I was gonna say penises, right? No. No. They're very sharp. Oh, it's you know that? Yes. You ever hear a cat screaming in the middle of the night? Yeah. It's getting I thought that was from anal.

SPEAKER_02

I thought the only time they go ah is when they're getting clouded.

SPEAKER_01

I do a really good That's amazing. Right. I used to, I used to work at Hofstra and I had like a little bit of time where I would like sleep in my office because I was in this relationship in Chicago, whatever. This was like when I was still teaching. And Hofstra famously has cats because the Hofstra family is very into cats. They feed them and whatever. And if you're there in the middle of the night, as I was a lot, um they have sex around campus and you hear that sound. It's nice to be around pussy when you're athlete.

SPEAKER_03

No, it's like sharp though. Sharp. Wait, tell me more about the pussy. Okay, so what happens is there it's like it's very sharp. I don't know if we could bring up a picture of this. Oh yeah, there you go.

SPEAKER_02

Oh wow, you literally have to go to a trauma center again. Yeah, yeah. It's very sharp. So where is it? That is the moat locks in locks in. There's those spikes.

SPEAKER_01

I'm thinking. Because they're like engorged.

SPEAKER_02

Wait, what is the thing that looks like a chicken foot? That. What the fuck is that?

SPEAKER_03

We need to get someone better at Googling. That looks terrifying.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's yeah, so anyway, so you could imagine crystals wouldn't be able to get out of there. Right.

SPEAKER_03

It's the whole, it's the whole genitalia. Right, that's the inside too. What do you mean? The gonads. That's the head. Uh-huh. Where are the balls? Well, this is inside. Yeah. I'm serious.

SPEAKER_02

Is anyone else as strong? One of them looks like lipstick. Right.

SPEAKER_03

Well, that's what that's the classic. I think that's what lipstick is based on. Yeah, that's what lipstick is based on. Really?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

That's why it's red at the tip.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

They test it on cats. They're like, you know.

SPEAKER_02

You know what? We should come up with an entire company that's cat penises that give lipstick like can put lipstick on women. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Look, I see balls there. Where? See, do why do cats have barbed penises barbed? That's a great thing. What does barb mean? Like barbed wire. Like you can go in, but you can't go out. It's like um, you know, how do they get out? Uh I guess they have to ejaculate and then shrivel up and then but how are the female cats okay?

SPEAKER_02

They're not okay, that's why they're screaming.

SPEAKER_01

But I feel like a lot of animal sex is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, a lot of the gay men do that. Right, right, sure. Yeah, that's interesting. Wow. Yeah. And they just like hop on top. I know they don't even ask. Like you you you'd think a cat would be like, Do you mind? Right, right, right. No. No.

SPEAKER_03

They're also they're usually known for permission, right? Have you ever Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, that's perfect. That's perfect. I didn't even mean to do that.

SPEAKER_03

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02

Have you ever had sex with a guy that has a like uh that latches in like that? A bar. I'm just back to the latching thing. Sure. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I didn't really want to talk about it, but tell us because you're so honest and open. It's so crazy.

SPEAKER_02

It's like you're you're getting upset?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I'm getting a little emotional because I just didn't think we were gonna bring this up. Oh, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_02

You're safe, we hear you. If we trigger you in any way, please tell us we'll hold you. Right. Okay, we're here to hold you in your emotions.

SPEAKER_03

When Zach brought up the pictures, I had someone in, like, I don't know, can you just bring them up again real quick? Sorry. Yeah. I just it's like when you see something and you think of someone specifically. I think it was that one with the two fingers right there with the gloves. Oh, sure. Yeah, it's like there is a man. Oh yeah. It's like I thought for a second, you know, like when you catch a glimpse of something and you're like, You can take a minute if you need to breathe or do you want tissues?

SPEAKER_02

I don't know, it's like there's a cough.

SPEAKER_03

No, it's fine. I'm getting better at my face. I have my phone. It just, I don't know, like it makes me happy and sad because like I do miss him. Nostalgia's like that. What was his name? I I can't say it on the podcast. It was Jack. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, just say Jack.

SPEAKER_00

We'll just call him Jack. Jack. Susan.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, but it does, it reminds me a lot, especially the gl it's like the gl I did used to wear the gloves too. Right. That's weird. Oh, why did you wear it? Oh look, that's it. No, oh, that's not him either. No, that's weird. Why did you wear the gloves? Just, you know, it's like so small and delicate. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02

Did you use lube? I don't mean to be personal. I don't want to ask too many questions.

SPEAKER_03

I mean I didn't use lube. Um, but sometimes, you know, the gloves get like kind of sticky. They have like sweaty lube. Yeah, sweaty. I would I would have the gloves with the powder in it, just because you don't want to but on the inside because my hands would get sweaty, I would get so clammy. Yeah. Yeah. Because I would get nervous around him.

SPEAKER_02

What was your favorite thing to do with Susan?

SPEAKER_03

Um I mean that very specifically. The little baby hand jobs. Yeah. Yeah, those are fun.

SPEAKER_02

They can cause carpal tunnel syndrome, but sure.

SPEAKER_03

Like, and then you always you make like a no you know, when you hear like a noise and it reminds you, it's like meh meh meh meh. Like, yeah. I do that.

SPEAKER_02

Did he ever purr when you were doing that?

SPEAKER_03

Well, I'm allergic to cats, so I wouldn't, you know, I I didn't want him to do that because it would trigger hives. Of course.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah. I'm laughing because I've had so many friends tell me that. Right. It's so that what purring gives them hives. It does. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It does. So I would ask him to, you know, just take a deep breath. Just hold your breath while you if you feel like you have to purge, just like don't do that. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. But I do I don't know. It's good he respected you. Not all men do, but you know. Right. Sometimes you find a good one. Did he ever hiss when he was like having an No, but he did, um, you know, I brought him in, uh, he was also having trouble. That's why like the whole Jack story was kind of triggering. I'm sorry. He was having trouble peeing as well, and they just just took they didn't have the three rules. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't give them chances. They just did that, and then after that after that, you know, beautiful thing was gone. I I had to move on in my relationship. One does. And you're not gay, so right. So it's like, what am I gonna do with that? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

You need a dick. I need I need to. Even if it's the size of a fucking thimble ball.

SPEAKER_03

It's the it's what it represents to me. You know what I mean? And it's like it's very small, prickly, and you know, it's cute. It's like the things that fall off the trees in the fall.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, that's not like a pine cone, but like a smaller no pine cone's way too big.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, that's way too big.

SPEAKER_02

Can you bring up those little things that it's like an acorn? Is that what you're talking about?

SPEAKER_03

Um, it's just like a small seed pod. Just with like little like spikes on it.

SPEAKER_02

Did you have a pet name for it?

SPEAKER_03

His um This is so embarrassing. It's like I know I'm not gonna do it. You don't have to be this open.

SPEAKER_02

I don't know, but and we can take it out. No, no, it's fine.

SPEAKER_03

It's just like when I got here, right? You were like, what do you want want to talk about? And I did say that for that, yeah. And I said, you know, the nickname that I had for my micropenis. Yeah. And now you're making me talk about it. But it's yeah, it's no, you don't have to. Yeah, it's like kind of like that. Like those the spiky, spiky balls. Right. Which is Oh but that was actually his genitism.

SPEAKER_02

I love stepping on those barefoot. It feels so good. I know. Well that's do you ever do that to relax? Because that's one of the things I do to deal with my anxiety. I've never done it barefoot. Oh, you have when you go home today, yeah. You have to do it. Okay. I'm serious. Sure. I do with my kids. Like, you know, they're like, Mama, let's do it. And I want to do something different with them. So I just we walk on those and they love it. They're bleeding and stuff, but they love it.

SPEAKER_03

It releases endorphins. Yeah. It's like walking on coals, it's like slaying on spikes. Like a Tony Robbins seminar. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Are there any other kinds of things you guys have done to like therapy stuff like that? That people say it's painful. Right. But it's really not. Right.

SPEAKER_01

I don't think I've done I'm trying to think. Like physically painful.

SPEAKER_02

Have you ever walked into a fire and stayed there for like I've never walked into a fire.

SPEAKER_03

I don't like, I feel like burns are like really painful.

SPEAKER_02

Sure. No, but if you it's like a mind you can avoid getting burnt if you really stay present. Sure. Okay.

SPEAKER_03

They say that if it's like all about your mind. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I started cold plunging. Have you done it? Are you kidding? I don't wait or us in the shower. But same. No, I do it at a place. At a place.

SPEAKER_03

You know that's just cold water, you could just fill the bathtub, right?

SPEAKER_01

Well, yeah, but I'm not gonna do that. It's free. I guess. But I well, first of all, I got it for free because there was a show in the sauna. You know about this? Oh, that's the sauna show.

SPEAKER_02

I'm not doing it because you have to wear a towel. If I could be naked, I would definitely do that sauna show for you every week. Yeah. You could do a bathing suit though. No, no, it's not the same thing. No, I have a I want everyone to see my stretch marks. Sure, sure. I want everyone to see my scars. Yeah, everything.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Um what's the point?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, gunshot wounds. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, got it. Yeah. Well So what's this clun Clun Podge thing? Clun Podge? Okay, so but you just get in, it's super cold, but it's about the breathing. Right. Um so that I've started doing I was terrible at it the first time I did it. I couldn't even make it like two seconds. Sure. But then you get better, and that's satisfying. Now, I mean, I could be the I don't know, five minutes, I bet. Five minutes. I've never done five minutes. But I don't have to do it too.

SPEAKER_02

Pussy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You're you're gonna do it. Would you do a cold plunge? Yeah, I mean I I do my yeah, but like for free in my house. Right. I I spend most of my days. Yeah, the clo I don't want to do the sauna part. I don't like the part like the cold part. It's only eight minutes. Like, I don't know if I can do eight minutes of a big thing.

SPEAKER_01

What do you wear?

SPEAKER_03

A towel?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and a big part of burqa? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

There's sort of like comedy's not embarrassing enough.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. But you know the new towel trend where it's like like towels are towels, right? Right. When you when I say towel, we're thinking of a towel. Right. Okay. That's how it's a big thing. But then now there's fancy towels that's like, is this no skirt?

SPEAKER_03

A skirt? Like it's basically like a small fucking skirt. Why are you trying to like push your agenda on us? That's what you're doing.

SPEAKER_02

I think you're trying to make me more feminine though, which is weird. Yeah, totally. That was my point. Can I wear my prom dress? It's a black taffeta dress with rhinestones.

SPEAKER_01

Wow. Oh my god. Remember rhinestones? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I wore them and wanted to.

SPEAKER_01

My bot mitzvah dress had rhinestones lining the part between the corset and the three poofs. Yeah, I had poofs. Yeah. Poofs. And then poof, poof, poof, poof. Yeah, poofs.

SPEAKER_03

When I look at you, I think about like obviously she must have had like a very poofy. Ornate but yeah. Bop mitzvah poof. Totally.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, of course. Yeah. That's the first thing you think when you look at Liz. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_01

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. That's great. With a strap on.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, totally. Of Jack's penis. Oh, oh. Yeah, I know. Meaningful. Sweet. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02

Wait, so Tracy, what did you wear to the prom?

SPEAKER_03

Oh well, I went to many proms. Really? Yeah, I did. I actually was uh that was kind of like when I was 14 to 16, that was kind of my prime.

unknown

Nice.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03

So I uh I I went to many, many proms. I had many, many prom dresses. I was ready all the time. So I mean, you you name it, I wore it. Did you go to proms with like friends? I went to proms with friends, I went to proms with boyfriends, I went to my own teachers. One time I went to a prom with a friend of mine, and I ended up knowing the DJ there who was, you know, a very nice older man. And uh, you know, we hung out the whole night. Right. And did you guys like hang out? We hung out, you know. I mean, how much older?

SPEAKER_02

What's happening?

SPEAKER_03

You know, I'm Italian, so it's like different, it's a cultural. Sure.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. So like 50 and 12, it's fine.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I wasn't 12, Jessica. I was like 14 and 15. You know, it's like Toby Crowns. Right, that's true.

SPEAKER_02

I should I'm so conservative something.

SPEAKER_03

You know, there was a stage, it was at the Marriott uh marquee, and there was a stage in the ballroom. And it was just like, you know, it was like a sexy kind of feel. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And then, you know, we went behind the curtain, just like, you know, that's what you want out of a bot mitzvah sexy.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, sexy bot mitzvah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, sex. I mean, musical chairs when it's sexy. Right. Coke Pepsi. Yeah, Hava Negilla. Oh my god. I once had an orgasm during Han of a Nagila. Really? Yeah, my cousin got married, and we were like, Havana, ah!

SPEAKER_03

The chair like right in the right spot.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that's kind of how I got into the face-sitting thing. The chair. Wow. Like sit on the chair. Yeah. Isn't that beautiful? It is. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

What was the theme? You guys had did you have a bar mitzvah? I did.

SPEAKER_02

I do I love the use of barmitts because that's what a boy. I I mean it's the same thing. Sure. Um I did. Um, my parents had just gotten separated, so it was a really good time. Celebratory. Yeah. It was really nice when we took family pictures. Sure, yeah. Could you really tell the they just felt so happy in your picture? Like, I'm gonna heat up some salmon in the middle of the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she they ate. They both ate at the thing. Did you have a theme? What? A theme? Um, it was at it was at, well, they were just getting divorced, like separated divorce, so we didn't have a lot of money. So the party was in the house. Okay. Oh, got it, got it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we were in a huge house. Yeah, but the party was in the house. And I had a breakdown because my friend was wearing the same thing as me.

SPEAKER_01

That, yeah. At your own classic. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Right. Yeah, she was wearing a tool belt too.

SPEAKER_00

Huh? So that's gotta be hard. Did you have a theme? Tennis. Liz's invitational.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, that's so funny. I was a tennis player. Really? I play tennis now. Major. Do you play now? I don't have any strength. Okay. Um, I I'm a lefty and I literally can't I can't even pick up like a pack of Oreos. Okay. Yeah. So I have to go like this. Like I'm Okay. So I can't swing a racket. You're okay. I could swing jackstick. Right. That's about how much I can. Yeah. That's about how much I can make it. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Right. Okay. Is the weight of that. Got it. Yeah, because I just took it up again. I was doing a show like within the past year, and then this guy, I must have been talking about tennis because he's like, comes up to me with his car. He's like, hey, I'm a tennis instructor. Oh. I called him, and now I take it. Where do you do it? In the city? No, I in near me. So like in Livingston. I I probably should take lessons again. Well, if you want, if you're there and I am there somewhere.

SPEAKER_02

We could do that. Together. Yeah. Yeah. With Scott. He's great. I was amazing. I taught it. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. It's one of the ways I got into University of Maryland. The other was the face sitting. My wife went to University of Maryland. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They gave me a scholarship for face sitting, isn't that? Are you proud of me? Yeah. I've heard it's very good for that.

SPEAKER_03

Look at you. Obviously, I knew that.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, you did? Yeah. Hips. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

The strength.

SPEAKER_02

My hips don't lie.

SPEAKER_03

Ha! The strength.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I would have thought that about you, even if I didn't know you.

SPEAKER_02

Really? Yeah. I mean, did you guys play any other sports? Um, not really. I played lacrosse, volleyball, soccer, everything. Wow. But my favorite sport was water sports.

SPEAKER_03

Which is how you got into the face setting as well. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Saliva.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I did that a lot at Jewish Sleepaway Camp. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Just full P or I kind of don't want to go there.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. I mean, that's why I said if you guys have things you don't want to talk about, I just don't.

SPEAKER_03

Totally. I don't know. You didn't really tell us what you didn't want to talk about. That's true.

SPEAKER_02

But I know, but there's a story and I don't want the other camper to get in touch. Right. Like I hope she let it go at this point. Probably didn't. I just can't get into it right now.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. End of life again.

SPEAKER_02

See how that works? Comes first. Yeah. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_03

We should play tennis. Do you want to play? I would love to play tennis. I pretended that I was on the tennis team in high school. Okay. Because uh my best friend in high school was on the tennis team. Okay. And she used to get out of class early. Oh. And she would do a lot of tournaments. So what I did was I uh made friends with the tennis coach. Okay. I would talk to him a lot in the hallway. Okay. Older guys. So everyone obviously. Yeah. So everyone thought, like obviously she's on the tennis team. Why'd she be hanging out with the tennis coach? Yeah. And then he would come to get my friend out of class and I would just leave with them and go home.

SPEAKER_02

Oh. Oh. Smart. And he didn't care that you did that? He didn't know what was going on because he cared.

SPEAKER_03

He just is getting his tennis player. He doesn't care about me. Sure. We're just friends.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, who cares about the table?

SPEAKER_03

Who cares about me? I'm just I'm just his friend from the hallway. Right. Uh so I would leave. But I did I played tennis a little bit, yeah. Yeah. I dabbled in in the tennis. I've been getting really into it.

SPEAKER_02

I love tennis. I I would get very I just don't I don't I think I have to go get my arm fixed.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Like more strength. Okay. I think I'd only be in the like people in an old age home. We could probably with a fucking balloon.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

All right. I mean, I just think it would be fun. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

No, no, I would definitely try. What about pickleball?

SPEAKER_00

Okay. I love pickles. Have you ever tried it?

SPEAKER_02

I love pickles. I love pickle. From there to be love pickles. Yeah, yeah. Do you like pickles? I like pickles.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. You seem hesitant because I well, because I like a certain kind of pickle, and it's like I hate talking about that because then people, you know, like they look at me and they judge it.

SPEAKER_00

Well, it's much bigger than eggs. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's not a gherkin. It's you know pick or full. I like a new pickle. You know a new pickle? The very bright green ones. New? Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_02

No, I don't know what a new pickle is. Really? Okay.

SPEAKER_03

It's like that's like a Jewish pickle. It's like the new pickles.

SPEAKER_02

It's the but why is it called new? What's it?

SPEAKER_03

Because it's not, it's not marinated for very long.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, it's like a cucumber salty one. I like those two.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, those are the only pickles that I've got.

SPEAKER_02

And those feel really good inside. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I love a half sour.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, inside? Because that burns. Yeah. Sure.

SPEAKER_03

And it's also very mushy.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Oh, that's not good. It gets, yeah, you'll never see it again. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Then you gotta fish it out, and it's like a whole thing.

SPEAKER_02

You need Jessica for that. Yeah. I'm very good at finding pickles. Yeah. I bet. That's that's how I've gotten every woman I've ever been with. Wow. Yeah, it's not, it was on my profile. It's impressive. Pickle finder.

SPEAKER_03

That like, you know, there's there's no like it doesn't go all the way through. Sure. You could always get it out. You just have to like focus and push. Uh-huh. And no matter what's in there, you can get it out.

SPEAKER_02

You mean you mean someone doesn't have to take it out? You can push it out. Well, I mean it's easy out a pickle. Like a fork.

SPEAKER_03

No, see that's a bit more. That's how I get it from the jar, yeah. That's where you get in trouble with the fork. I bet. Because you can get an infection. To use tongues. You have to use gravity. Like it's kind of like similar to what you do with the face sitting. Yeah. You know, but you have to just like the soul of the pickle. You have to center yourself.

SPEAKER_02

You really bring it to that place. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And if you just push, sometimes, honestly, when you are at least expecting it, it just shoots out.

SPEAKER_02

But you have to be, you can't be like, you know, at your kids' school. I mean, you have to do this at home. Someone else's kids' school. Right. That's fine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Just a neighborhood.

SPEAKER_02

It's inappropriate, but okay.

SPEAKER_01

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02

How big is the biggest pickle you've ever pushed out? I'm smiling because this is so embarrassing. Sure.

SPEAKER_03

I know. And now it's like I feel funny too, because like my grandmother's gonna watch this and she's still alive?

SPEAKER_00

No, but like she's gonna She's probably watching it now.

SPEAKER_01

She's probably watching us for 40 years. That's like the best thing about being dead. You can watch podcasts before they're released. That's the best thing.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my god, that is before they're edited. Before you edit it out. I've never ever heard of that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like one of the top such a reason to die. Yeah, I think so. That you could watch like Pel Tony and all those podcasts. Non-edited. Yeah. Non-edited.

SPEAKER_01

No one's even in a clip. Who even needs the blooper reel? It's just like, yeah, I've seen it. Oh my God. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I was there. You're just watching Rogan for years and years and years. I hope death is an eternity. Me too.

SPEAKER_02

So I could watch all these things. Especially the long ones. Speaking of long ones, what's the biggest because she's already she's already seen and heard it all.

SPEAKER_03

She's been here so that's true. I've I don't want to say it was two feet long, but it felt like it was. Wow. That's what I'll say about that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is fascinating.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I you have to brace yourself. You have to breathe through it. Did it have a hold plunge? It's very similar, honestly. Oh, you're right. Everything comes back to the breathing exercises. And you know, you could say to yourself, like, Tracy, you're okay. Tracy, you're safe. Tracy, you're loved.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that really works when I say stuff like that. Jessica, you're doing great. Right.

SPEAKER_03

You're everything's gonna be fine, Jesse. One more foot. One more foot. One more foot. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, inside.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But you don't have you ever had those peppercorns inside?

unknown

No.

SPEAKER_03

So exfoliating, yeah. No, that's good. They exfoliate. Wow. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02

Wow. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Just a little exfoliate the pe the whole peppercorn, yeah.

unknown

Wow.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, wow. It's antibacterial as well.

SPEAKER_02

I bet. Yeah. Do you have any right now? Because I'm having a bacterial.

SPEAKER_03

I have something in my bag, but it's inside.

SPEAKER_02

Inside you. Your bracelet looks like peppercorns. Yeah. They are analyses, so I can put them in the face. Just in your face. I didn't want to say it. These are anal beads. They're too small, but they're sure.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, but you have that tiny little

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Don't bring that Tracy.

SPEAKER_03

I know. I just like it.

SPEAKER_02

Don't bring up my ass when it's split in this podcast. It's fine.

SPEAKER_03

We've been friends for a very long time. Yeah, we've been my kids. We've been on the road, so she's kind of fine things in there. And I'm like, Jessica, why is it so tight? I know.

SPEAKER_02

I lost my ring light once. Okay. And um this is so embarrassing, but Tracy, I mean, we're so open. It's fine, we're cool with everything. Literally. Yeah. We were in um Albany. Where were we?

SPEAKER_03

It was like Detroit. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And uh and I could not find my ring light. I don't know if this has ever happened to you. I am not sure. Okay. I mean, it might have been something else, like a shoe.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But I could not find my ring light. Right. I looked everywhere and I'm like, Tracy, have you seen like let's backtrack. Yeah, sure. It's always like where were you doing the last time you saw it? Yeah, pray to Saint Whoever. Sure, sure. Right, yeah, Francis or Francois. I don't know. Right. And um, and I looked and looked and looked, and she's like, is something shining? There's a light. Yeah. Ah.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Like there's your pants are lighting up illuminated. Oh, okay. And I'm like illuminated. What? Illuminated, that's what you said. Right. And I was like, what? And then she goes, wait, wait, wait, let me just see something.

SPEAKER_03

I thought it was a spirit. I thought that that was a big thing. I thought it was the guy. I I know. I know. Yeah. It was so funny. Yeah. It would have been so much better if it was. The weird part was, I thought it was like the mini ring light you put on your phone. Of course.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.

SPEAKER_03

Full ring light, like from production. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, no, with the with the big tripod.

SPEAKER_03

The big tripod. But thankfully you have hips. She has the hips. Exactly. She was doing the breathing.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that's true. Right. And the ring light was the thing coming out, so that's why it was bright.

SPEAKER_03

But then after it came out, I was like, hold on. And I looked, and it was so the opening was so it was like a pinhole. My opening. Yeah. And I was like, Jazz. Yeah, I know. That whole thing.

SPEAKER_02

It's impressive. I fell on it. Yeah, right. That'll have it. I tripped and I fell on it.

SPEAKER_03

And and out both ways, and it was still just so.

SPEAKER_01

It just didn't even, nothing fell apart. So you're in the right line of work. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

You're very elastic.

SPEAKER_01

That's what they say.

SPEAKER_00

That's is that a compliment? I think so.

SPEAKER_02

What they say that in the text too? In the the group, yeah. That I'm elastic? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

That was a couple of compliments. Yeah, yeah. So no, it's a nice thing to say.

SPEAKER_02

Should we tell her what our group chat is about? With her.

SPEAKER_03

What group are you guys in? That I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_02

No, it's just like the same thing. Okay. For sure.

SPEAKER_01

It's just about your various openings.

SPEAKER_03

That's what they talk about? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

In the group? Yeah. Yeah. What's it called? Tracy?

SPEAKER_02

Tracy O. Yeah. Tracy what? Tracy O. It used to be called Tracy's Wide. Like your holes are wide. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And then that's a rejuvenation. Yeah, it might just be an emoji. Laser. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah, that's why it was like it's like some kind of a circle emoji.

SPEAKER_02

I think it's two parentheses. Oh, oh. Oh. Yeah, but there's like a lot of spaces in between.

SPEAKER_03

It was like before COVID. Oh, right. I got the laser rejuvenation now. Oh wow. How was that? Yeah, it's great. So what they do is they just um they just burn it to oblivion.

SPEAKER_00

Okay. And then the scar tissue.

SPEAKER_03

Your vagina? Yeah, and the scar tissue fills it in. And then they spray it with uh, you know, spray foam insulation. Have you ever seen that? Yeah, yeah, for sure. And they do that a little bit around and now it's just yes, it's exactly like that. Yeah. It's exactly like that. And then no, you know, no rodents could come in or out.

SPEAKER_02

And then it's just very uh It's have you ever had a rodent inside?

SPEAKER_03

I gotta tell you, I'm like not into that because uh of my allergies.

SPEAKER_02

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03

That's you are out.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_03

I guess I could try, but like I don't know, like I don't know if I'm allergic to gerbils. Do you do just gerbils or that's how you find it out?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, you can eat one and just if you if you get sick, right? Then you know. Didn't you? Yeah, but when you eat it, you do it without the fur though.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, but right. Oh, you don't eat the fur. You do? I think that I did have so there was like a couple hairs. I just remember getting them out of my teeth.

SPEAKER_03

I think you have to burn it over the fire. Yeah. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's vegetarian.

SPEAKER_02

But you think I put it? It's dry, it's like pasta, too. That's why I burn it over the fire. Oh, interesting. God, I'm so stupid sometimes.

SPEAKER_03

Uh, okay. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Is that triggering for you?

SPEAKER_03

No, I don't do the gerbil thing. Oh, okay. Jessica was the one that was saying that she likes that. It's a little trigger. Triggering for you.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah. It just, yeah. It's a little it's a little bit sorry. I just have to.

SPEAKER_03

I was just Yeah. Looking at that.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, I didn't know if your vaginal region was. That's what I thought. What is the last year? Rejuvenation? Oh, vaginal rejuvenation. Yeah. No, I've been healed for years.

SPEAKER_01

You know, I have actually had a vaginal procedure. Like, not procedure, but you ever go to those Korean spas? You know, like the old I have they beat. Is this a group of you? But wait. I've got to go again. What did they do? Let's go.

SPEAKER_02

I would where I will go. I need to. You need to shave my legs? No. No. No, no. They they judge everything. Right.

SPEAKER_01

It's just like old like Asian and Russian things. They're judging everything. Well, so it's like, okay, you wear like a poncho with no arms, and you sit over a bunting burner and then it goes up your vag for like 40 minutes. That's like when the palcho was doing it. Oh, she was?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, that's that was her thing.

SPEAKER_01

They call it a hip bath. Hip bath. Oh, I should go.

SPEAKER_03

It sounds good for you though.

SPEAKER_01

Really?

SPEAKER_02

I did it once. It throws your Did you feel good? I'm getting Bernie. Did it feel good?

SPEAKER_00

No. I feel like they're cooking crabs. Like it smells like a clam bake. Sure. Wait, what if what's wrong with it?

SPEAKER_03

So it like throws off your pH.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I don't doubt it.

SPEAKER_03

And you're not supposed to really see your phone.

SPEAKER_01

Penhouse? Huh? Yeah. What's your pH? Yeah. Like pH balance. I don't know what it stands for. No, what is it? Yeah, what does it stand for? I don't know.

SPEAKER_03

There's no way there's actually probably no way to know.

SPEAKER_01

No. I think that you could probably Google. You think? The pH and pH balance. Yeah. How are we? Porthouse steak? Porter ass. Oh, port. I just said port house. Oh, really? No, no. I just I I wasn't trying to correct you. Where is this um this steam? That one was a King Spa in Palisades Park. Jesus, this sounds that's a lot. Yeah, don't park in the shop right lot. They'll ticket you. Why? You got a ticket? Yeah, yeah. How much? I think it was 36 bucks. You badly.

SPEAKER_02

Parked in handicap because you just said you illegally parked.

SPEAKER_01

I do.

SPEAKER_02

Have you ever done that and limped away?

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_02

But my mother's a bad person.

SPEAKER_01

My mother. Have you done it? Yes.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I'm like, I get out, I'm like, oh my mom has a sticker from like, I think a knee surgery, and she's like, oh, I forgot the sticker. Yeah, yeah. Every time. Yeah. That's very common. Yeah. Yeah.

unknown

But yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Power. What's it called? Power of hydrogen. Potential of hydrogen. Ah, okay.

SPEAKER_03

I gotta tell you, guns in my head, I would have never guessed that. I thought it was Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, me too. Yeah. I never thought about it. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Got it.

SPEAKER_03

I never thought of it as an F zone.

SPEAKER_02

Alkaline based on it. I see this kind of stuff, it's like I can't deal with B. C7. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I used to dabble in science.

SPEAKER_02

Right. Did you feel better when you left that?

SPEAKER_01

No. I felt I mean I felt like whatever. No, I don't remember anything dramatic from it.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, I didn't know if you like lost all memory after you went to the school and spot. Yeah, it was a total lobotomy. Right.

SPEAKER_01

And just like where did I grow up? Yeah. What's happening? But like the woman who was running the whole thing was like the best salesperson ever. I say that all the time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

She's like, they're the biggest upsellers.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_03

So what are you going in for and what'd you get?

SPEAKER_01

No, I just went for the day, you know, to be in the spa. I love a spa. Oh, me. I love yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I love a spa. That's all I think about. I've been thinking about going to the Hilton Short Hills. Oh, that's where you sit all the time. There's a spa there? Yes. I'll go there.

SPEAKER_03

It's like right near the spend half of my childhood at the good short hills. Really? Near the Hilton.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. Not as good as the ones like in the East Village where you can get massage release. Those are the best ones. Yeah. The hand release ones.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Oh. I don't think I've done anything that was.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, they they it's there's a glove involved. Obviously. Um and they just it's pretty intense.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, you never did the fisting one?

SPEAKER_03

No. I'm not like after the surgery, because I don't want the foam to move. Sure. Right. You know. And then also like there is some of that, um, it's a very thin layer, but there is some of the pink insulation that's made of fiberglass. Yeah. And if you got that in your fist, it's made of it's actually very sharp. So it's fine in your vagina, but it's like it's fine to be there, but like you don't want to get that in your hand. Of course. Your hands are very sensitive to it.

SPEAKER_02

I don't think it would bother me because I've had shards of glass in there. Yeah?

SPEAKER_03

Wow.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I could take you to my guy.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I don't think I really don't think I'd have a reaction. Yeah. Okay. I don't. It's like I went to Greece, you know how they like hit throw plates? I threw plates and drank a lot of ooz, whatever. Yeah. And um and I can't even believe I'm saying this. I I picked up the pieces of the plates. And you. Yeah, yeah. I was so drunk. I just were cleaning up. Slammed them in. I didn't want to make such a mess. I was brought up that way. Yeah, totally. My dad was very organized. Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah. When he threw plates, he always cleaned them up.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Right, right, right. That's nice.

SPEAKER_03

Wow. You okay?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I'm laughing because I can't deal with the. You know when you laugh like at a funeral, of course. Nervous laugh. No, I I did that. I've been doing that since I'm a kid. Um I just didn't really want to think about my dad putting the plates in his ass. Right, right, right. Yeah. That's kind of where I'm going to do it. Yeah. If you guys can just sit with me for a second. Happy to. Oh, Liz, Liz. Sorry. I was really processing that. I don't know. This podcast has been really powerful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And we've talked about some like so many different things going up various assholes. Yeah, and vaginas.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, not vaginas. Vaginas, yeah, and whatever Jarific is. Right.

SPEAKER_03

Or it used to have.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Can you please send us a video of Jack's? Yeah, please. Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Before it's too late. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Missing penis.

SPEAKER_03

But also we want to support you in his passing.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you. No, I'll come. I feel closer to you now. I will come to your house.

SPEAKER_03

No, we could play tennis and go to the father and watch a party. Wait, that's a perfect thing. Tennis. Yeah. I'm down for it. I'm serious.

SPEAKER_02

I'm so excited right now. Tennis. Can I bring my kids? Yes. Okay. Tennis, spa, face sitting to kill Jack. Okay, good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's a nice day. I'll make sure my kids are off. Good. Same. Yeah. Because they'd rather go to that than camp.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Than camp. Well, I could do that.

SPEAKER_02

They would much rather see a cat getting killed by their mother sitting on it. Than camp. Than camp. Uh huh. Then dodgeball. Right. Yeah. We'll do tennis.

SPEAKER_03

What were you going to say, Tracy? Yeah, we could do tennis too. So they feel like they're at camp.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. That's really true.

SPEAKER_03

We'll do it a little later in the day when it gets a little cooler out.

SPEAKER_02

Sure. Yeah. Smart. And then we could have like a bonfire when I kill Jack. Great.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

It's a free cremation service she offers.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, we have one in the backyard. She does have the fire. The fire. The what?

SPEAKER_03

You do that when you do the cremation. Oh, the cremation.

SPEAKER_02

Me? Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, that's I that's why it's so much money.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Right. It's actually very easy to cremate someone. I bet. If you have a microwave, it is. Was that what your mom was doing during the Zoom? Yeah, she was cremating my my nephew.

SPEAKER_03

It dehydrates a little bit and then you just throw it into the fire and it's there's so much here.

SPEAKER_02

I think, Zach, I think um if you don't mind putting up all the information for all these things we discussed because it's totally yeah, because it's so educational.

SPEAKER_01

I feel like this episode has the all like the the rabbit holes pun that we went in with like the Googling. Right. It's like me at four in the morning. Like right? Just like, yes. What's the pH of a peppercorn if you put it up your asshole? And I'm like, wow, I will never get to shoot. Do you know what it is? No.

unknown

Eight.

SPEAKER_01

I'm trying to read it. I would say it's eight.

SPEAKER_02

You're right.

SPEAKER_00

I don't think so. No, I think it is.

SPEAKER_02

I Googled it last night. You guys are thinking you know everything, right? Yeah. It's like seven and a half. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, we were close. That's true. I want to give you some credit. Thank you. Well, this has been really, yeah. I think people will really learn a lot.

SPEAKER_03

A lot. Like as we were doing this, I'm like, am I a comic or am I an educator? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

This is like basically people should be getting college credit from this episode, I think.

SPEAKER_03

I learned everything that I learned from TikTok.

SPEAKER_02

I think people should get an associate's degree from this episode. You could become a vet from this. So right?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Or a death duel of it. Or a right. Or a rabbi. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Totally. No, so you're welcome. You're right. That's true. Yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And that people can really learn something new.

SPEAKER_00

They take away. They take away.

SPEAKER_02

And that they don't feel alone if they've had their penis cut off or they've sat on someone's face to kill them. Whatever. Whatever three strikes and you're out. You are not alone. We should look in the camera. Okay. You are not alone. You guys are great. You're great. Can you just tell people where they can find you? Yeah. Up your asshole. Liz! Liz, I how could you talk about being up someone's asshole for that as well? Oh my God. So is my old cat.

SPEAKER_01

At Tracy's Grandma. No, I'm at Liz Glazer everywhere. Do you have a website where they can see your dates? Yeah, yeah. Dear Liz Glazer. I have a special on YouTube. Oh, what is this? It's called Do You Know Who I'm Not? I need to see that. Yeah, please. Yes, totally. Yeah, I need to see that. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

God, we gotta talk. Yeah, let's talk. I mean, that's the notes growing. No, I know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Amazing. Um, I'm just Tracy Carnazzo. I'm at Trixie Tuzini, T-R-I-X-I-E-T-U-Z-Z-I-N I.

SPEAKER_02

Can you say that faster?

SPEAKER_03

You probably can. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02

See if you can.

SPEAKER_03

T-R-I-X-I-T-U-Z-Z-I-N I. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. Yeah, I've I'm known for that. Tracycarnazzo.com for all my upcoming tour dates. I do podcasts on reality TV.

SPEAKER_02

Her podcasts are amazing. Tracy's the best. Yeah, you are. I are. You are too.

SPEAKER_03

Listen, just tell me on social media. It's like I really don't have a lot. You know what I mean? Like to grasp onto. Sure.

SPEAKER_01

What do you need, like a barbed penis to grasp onto? I wish you wouldn't bring it up. I know. And I know. It's a bunch more. Before we go, this is very important.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. Liz, sex toys for women. Do they have any though that like the barbed?

SPEAKER_01

I mean, probably. You could go to my website to find those. That's my merch, is barbed uh dildos. So dearlizy though. DearLizglazer.com. Well, tiny is better. Yeah, it's better. Totally. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Because you hope they get stuck.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um can't let go. Okay. I'm so glad you pushed your merch. Thank you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I'm trying to get better about that, but you know, it's like hard to like sell yourself sometimes.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You make them yourself. Yeah, obviously.

SPEAKER_02

I have merch too for anyone. If you want to, it it's it, they're I'm very excited. It's new. It's called face sitting hospice care.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, you do that on cameo too or no?

SPEAKER_02

Of course. Yeah, yeah. That's the money grab right there. But they have to face it. It's $468. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. You don't even know what I had to pay for my dog. Wow. Yeah. Well, I love you guys. I love you guys. Thank you. Listen, support them. Support us. Go on their social media, buy Liz's merch. Um, really, you can hire either one of them for so many reasons. Thank you, Zach. We love you. I love you, Zach. Um, please don't wear a shirt next time. Um, I follow them. You gotta support these women. This is part of why I'm doing the podcast, is so that you know, you all start supporting uh female comics more. And I just I love you guys. Thank you. Thank you. I feel I love you guys. I feel so supported. Thank you. Me too. Me too. So much less alone. Yeah. Please help me.