Stressed, Depressed & Blessed w/ Emma Willmann

Emma Willmann joins the Jessica Kirson show full of stressed, depressed, and blessed chaos. The two dive into Lindsey Graham, Emma's unexpected attraction to Mitch McConnell, the healing powers of tap therapy, falling for a sphincter doctor, and eating in the shower. This episode is a must listen. 

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SPEAKER_04 0:00

Wait, so you when you came in you said that I'm a cloud of darkness. I'm miserable. I feel stressed, depressed, and and then I'm mad at myself for not feeling blessed.

SPEAKER_05 0:12

And I'm speaking in riddles. Did you make that up or did you? Yeah, I did.

SPEAKER_03 0:16

I was I thought and you know the sad thing? I th I like thought of it on the way over and then I planned on saying it.

SPEAKER_04 0:21

Oh, that's been brutal. Brutal. That is so embarrassing that you thought of saying that and then said it.

SPEAKER_06 0:29

The Jessica Cuss show.

SPEAKER_04 0:31

I don't feel seam. Hi. I know we're both in all black. I you don't wear black as much as I do. No, I don't. I've I'm trying to I don't know. I don't have any summer clothes. This is my only summer t-shirt. Either. I won't buy them though, because I gained some weight back and I great. I'm thank you. My pants are so tight that I'm about to go into cardiac arrest. You know what? Do you know CPR? Not in the slightest. I wish I did, and I think I would hope to God I would jump into action and try. Yeah. Well, um CPR is maybe you shouldn't stand behind you and go uh. No, that's when you have a um That's the high wing. So no, I don't know it then. No, you turn me over and then you just pat me like a baby. That's but you have to be able to lift me, so I don't know. But you work out a lot, so you I had been. I've given up. Really? Yes. I was trying to be healthy. I'm here to report it. Doesn't work. When was the last time we worked out?

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Because mine's seventh grade. I I haven't worked out since I'm you remember gym class.

SPEAKER_05 1:32

What a fucking mess. That's where my problems begin.

SPEAKER_04 1:36

I know this is what everyone says, but my gym teacher was the no. Oh I wish. I wish I would have got you running. Yeah, no, she yeah. Mrs. She's it was Miss Wilson. And she was like, it was a lot. Like, I didn't judge her, but it was a lot.

SPEAKER_02 1:57

She's like, let's go! Get on the uneven bars. And I'm like, what's happen?

SPEAKER_04 2:05

Because it wasn't like there weren't like out teachers. You could just play something's a little different. Right. Was she in a relationship with it? Should she have a roommate or I love that. I love when people have a roommate. A roommate or a husband who's like super effeminate. Then you meet her husband. He's like the knitting instructor or something. He's the art teacher. She's the shop person. Right. The shop person.

SPEAKER_02 2:29

She's like, this is my husband, Roger. And it's like, nice to meet you. We are so happy.

SPEAKER_04 2:35

Your little brains trying to calculate, like you can you can sense, you can sense. Yeah, of course. Was were you were you like a kid that could were you like the last in gym class? You mean the last picked? Yeah. Well, no, I was an athlete. Oh, you were? Yeah. Oh, so I was at the other end of the spectrum. I was comp really like I was like the last. Yeah, last. Oh, that's hard. It was really hard. Because and I remember trying to do like the climbing wall, and I could me and only one other kid, we couldn't hoist ourselves up. What a loser. I know. But I had a great sense of humor and I did do student government. Oh, what'd you do? I didn't do student government. I did student government. And I so high school, I was like, high school I made up for it with personality. Yeah, right. You get a lot of friends when you're funny. And I'm surprised you weren't athletic. I was not athletic. Well, we got a couple things going on. I'm dyslexic. So I tried playing soccer, but there's like that split second where you gotta run in the right direction. And I wouldn't. Oh. Were you one of the kids that would like score a goal in your own? So that's being generous to even think that I could score the goal. But if I had gotten the ball and could have run with it, I maybe would have, but there was no scoring happen. So it was less of a liability because I was just kind of like running in circles in the field. Oh, you just ran in circles. Wow, did you get dizzy? Like everyone else was just running up and down the field. It was so sad because I had like a nice group of friends that would always like cheer me on in high school too. They'd like come to the games and be like, yeah, Ma, but I would just be, it was very like make away. That's like what you do with a kid that has probably you know, come on, Jimmy, come on.

SPEAKER_02 4:01

Stop putting that in your mouth. Stand up. Woo!

SPEAKER_04 4:06

I did have fun in high school though, despite all that. Did you party? I partied much. I partied so much off. And I had fun. Like I really too. I don't know if I'm like kind of romanticizing it now. Because so many things about actually, no, I think with high school I've got a pretty clear lens in it because so many things were so hard. Like there was a lot of like tumultuous stuff, but I had so much fun. Or at home? At home, just like my living environment was very I live with my dad, my sister lived with my mom. There's like a lot of custody stuff. Yeah, that's really hard. Closeted. Uh and then, you know, I was like having I've got ADD, whatever, but despite all that, like I had so much fun. Yeah. Partying. I know, me too. Pot. Yeah. Were you doing uh I did drugs. I didn't do drugs. I snorted my Adderall constantly.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

Really?

SPEAKER_04 4:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

Wow.

SPEAKER_04 4:53

So much Adderall stuff. What happens when you snort Adderall? I would get, in my specific case, I would get amped up with my friend Sarah Herrick, and we would drive around listening to. Sarah Sarah? What's her name? Sarah Herrick. Oh, Sarah Herrick. That's a horrible name. Why? Yeah. Why is that a horrible name? Sarah Hara? No, this is Sarah Herrick. Oh, Herrick? Sarah Herrick, yeah. Sarah Herrack. That's a horrible name.

SPEAKER_05 5:16

Jesus Christ. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 5:17

Should I am I gonna get canceled? Because I said Sarah's. I don't think there's a huge Sarah Sarah community that's gonna come after me. Yeah, can you imagine if 500 Sarah Herricks sent me messages? I feel triggered. We've been through enough. We are because we all know our name's already a little tough too. I don't think that actually. Great name. Sarah Herrick, my friend Sarah Herrick. We used to drive around, smoke pot. We would snort the Adderall, smoke pot, drive around. I love what you've just said because I've said the same thing. I'd be like, oh my god, I drank two six packs. I smoked so much pot, I snorted Coke, and then we drove around town.

SPEAKER_03 5:51

Wait, I didn't even realize I did that.

SPEAKER_04 5:53

No, that's why I was laughing. Sorry. Oh, wait, the mic just Wait, that's terrible. I apologize. Oh, and I just this is making me think of this. I used to do hand jobs too. Me too. Me too. Yeah. I said I say this in my special. I gave him my first hand job in Fat Camp.

SPEAKER_03 6:08

Oh, and I love that.

SPEAKER_04 6:09

Yeah, with the fattest kid in the camp. And all the comics. Yeah, his name is Judd. Wow. So I was like, I'm not a lesbian. I'm gonna jerk a guy off. Get over here, Judd! Let's go! The gym teacher showed me some moves. Yeah, he had a lot of roles. I'm not kidding. He was enormous. It took me an hour to find his dick. I had a little, like, or no, I had boyfriends too, but I was very adamant about not having sex because I would say, I can't have sex. That was where and I I I don't know how how like honest you were with yourself when you were little, but I remember being like, the reason I don't like hooking up with these guys is because we're not having sex. Once I have sex, then it's oh then it's a wrap. Yeah, I mean we do all that stuff. I get it. Yeah. And then I did have sex, and then I was like, but at that point I knew I was gay. Yeah. But he was such a nice guy, that guy I had sex with. He was so nice. Really? He was so nice. He could tell I wasn't into it too, because I remember him saying he was like, and I remember right before we were having sex, I go, Oh, I need a drink. You know, I go, I gotta get a drink, I gotta get some high. And he was like, is he was like, we don't have to do this. And I was like, no, no, I want to. Right, right. Not even hiding. I want to just let me snort Adderall, do cocaine, shoot up heroin. It's like a two this poor guy. Like he was, and he was like, he was a nice guy. So he was like, hey, like, I'm getting the vibe. I'm glad he was a nice guy, though. And I was like, no, I want to. And he was like, I I distinctly remember him being like, Do you? And I was like, Yes, do it. Like it was like terrible. But then he said he he said he gave me a back massage afterwards. He was like, I wasn't. Wow, that's really I've never heard that. I know it's crazy. They give you a back massage to get to the vagina. You know what I mean? Well, oh, sorry, you know. A million percent. So my like sexual experience with a guy who was very nice. He was so nice. Is he still around? Because I couldn't. Killed him. No, he was he was he's still around. And he's straight, because like, you know, sometimes you end up with people that like the one guy I did really have a crush on though, he ended up being gay. That was the one I really like like truly was kind of like, wait, do I like this guy? Gay. Yeah, isn't that weird? I've always questioned, like, because I had a crush on a guy, am I really like it's confusing? Was it how long ago was it? Well, that was in no in like junior high. Yes, yes, yes, yes, but not since then. It is confus. Was that the only guy you were ever with? Well, I had a bunch of boyfriends. Oh. I had a bunch of boyfriends. You had sex with? No. Hand jobs, blowjobs. Oh, really? Hand jobs, blowjobs, blowjobs. I got plowed by many men. You did? Jessica! I remember once when a guy put my legs in in the air and I was like, oh my god, this hurt. Like I had a crazy. You blow in my mind. Yeah. I'm not because I was in college, University of Maryland. I came out different time than you did. I love that it was the University of Maryland. Like that's gonna like click it all into place. You're like, well, the reason I'd sex all these men out at the University of Maryland. If that's not the best ad for the University of Maryland, I don't know what it is. And I was in a sorority, right? This is totally true. And I just would get wasted out of my mind and sleep with guys. And I didn't I didn't like any, I mean You did what you had to do. You did what you had to do. I I was so deeply closeted in high school because I felt like my social life was what I had. Right. And that really was it really was fun. Yeah. That was fun. And my friends in high school were not homophobic at all, but I just we didn't know any gay people. I know. It's not even about them being homo, it's like also you didn't know gay people. Being different. I struggled being different myself, like internal homophobia. Of course, and things have changed so much sleeps and bounds. So I know if I you know, if you were like you're when you were at college, yes, that was a complete I also went to an all women's college in Boston. Which one? I went to Simmons. I've heard of that. It's all women, it's really small, and I remember when we went and did the tour. Like I'm like looking around because I'm trying to see if there were like I'm looking like, are there like gay, a lot of gay people here? And I remember on the tour, my mom afterwards, she goes, you know, it didn't seem like there were a lot of lesbians. And I said, Well, I think they probably have them hide away for the tour. And she was like, Oh, and I went, Oh they definitely don't actually do that. Like she imagined that. Yeah, I was like, I think they keep them out for when people are like looking at the campus.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

And she went, Oh, I don't know if they can do that, but maybe.

SPEAKER_04 10:09

And I was like, No, mom, they definitely cannot do that. She's been accepting, right? Very accepting of gay, hates comedy. But that's okay. Really? Yeah, like she just hates comedy in general or hates so much. She doesn't like comedy. Sometimes she's like, my comedy's grown on her, but she definitely doesn't like that I'm like she but her reasons I get where she's What are they? She she was like, you know, the travel, it's brutal. Like, what are you doing? Why are you doing this? We've done so well. I mean that seriously. So it's like if you're still performing in like laundromats and VFWs, I get it, but you've done so well. She she gets a little tickled. The the one time where I've noticed where she does get like a little like hmm, is and it's a silly reason, but if I have a show somewhere and she's got friends in the area, I'll say, I'll get them tickets. She goes, You can get him tickets? Well, yeah, I can get tickets. Well, that means you have Paul. And I go, I'll get him tickets. Or like I had a show in Maine, and that's my hometown, and I it's this great club. It's called Empire Comedy. And the show she was gonna go to, she was like, It says it's sold out. She's like, Well, I'm my gene and I what are we supposed to do? And I said, I'll tell you right now, I'll get you in. She goes, It's sold out! I said, Well, I'll you can sit on the stage. I said, I can get you in. I promise you, I can get you into my show. And so that she thinks is cool, but other than that, she doesn't like it. But she doesn't like comedy that much anyway. Like, I I remember t I told her a Jerry Seinfeld joke once. Because I would just curious. So I tell her this joke, it was his pop-tart joke, and I did it word for word, and she goes, Don't like it. And I that's when I go, You're I know comedy's subjective. I go, but that is like this is this was before I did Stana. I said, This is yeah, well, and maybe to her, maybe I delivered it terribly, I don't know. But I remember her saying, Don't like it. And then she listened to Tignataro on NPR talking about her battle with cancer. She sends that to me and she says, This is a comedian, this is pretty funny. That's hysterical. And I said, I didn't listen to it, but I said, I cannot imagine. Yeah, yeah. She listened to the tapes from 9-11 and thought that was really funny. She goes, Who's this? Who's this person? They're pretty loud, but they they sound nervous.

SPEAKER_05 12:14

They sound nervous.

SPEAKER_04 12:16

Wait, so you when you came in, you said that I'm a cloud of darkness. I said I'm just I am too. I'm miserable. I feel stressed, depressed, and and then I'm mad at myself for not feeling blessed.

SPEAKER_05 12:36

And I'm speaking in riddles. Did you make that up or did you? Yeah, I did.

SPEAKER_03 12:39

I was I thought, and you know the sad thing? I I like thought of it on the way over, and then I planned on saying it.

SPEAKER_04 12:45

Oh, that's brutal. Brutal, that is so embarrassing that you thought of saying that and then said it. Were you like, oh my god, I hope I get this right, I hope I get this right, I hope I get Wait, what is it again? Say it fast, don't think about it. I don't care that you have a learning disability.

SPEAKER_03 12:59

Stressed, depressed, and and upset at myself.

SPEAKER_04 13:01

See? Upset at myself for not feeling blessed. Because I should be more grateful, truly. Yeah, we all should be. The thing is, this is I know now, and it the it your attitude shapes everything. Like now I'm I'm therapized enough, I've done enough support things enough to know what I the thing is, I just haven't been doing the things that I need to do to make myself the best version of myself. And then I feel resentful because there's simple things. I know. You bash your cycle, it's all a cycle. That's what I do. And then now I go, oh, and this cycle is self-absorbed and narcissistic, I need to get out of my head. It's really, it's it's what are we gonna do? Being the like I had a a friend this morning and he messaged me and he was like, I'm sending prayers because my mom's in the hospital, and then that snapped me out of it. And then I sent him, I said, Oh my god. And I was like, Thank you. I said, I'm gonna send good energy too. And I said, Thank you for including me in that. That's very sweet. Why is she in the hospital? Because she watched your special. Yeah, that was what it was. I don't have a special, I don't even have a special. She said, I thought about I thought about your special that you don't have, and just the idea of it gave me it, put me in the cardiac array. Do you like the plants? They're disgusting. I love them. Yeah. It's to make it look like professional, like there's stuff going on, but they're horrific. It's they're not, I don't think they're I like them. Well of course they're not real. What are we? One thing was so when you get you were we're talking about not getting sleep, that messes you up so bad. But I've been doing this thing and I've been doing it for like two years now where I track my sleep. So I track it, but then my sleep hasn't been getting better. So in the past like month in particular, every day I look at it, I track it, and it's like feels like I'm in the wrong, so then I feel even worse throughout the day. Then you can't sleep because you can't sleep. Are you were you just like amped up from your show or caffeinated, or what was it? No, I've been under the weather. Yeah. Um, and why is what does that even mean, under the weather? That's the dumbest statement. I guess it's a bit. Because if it's sunny out, you're under the weather and you feel good. My learning disability's kicking in. Me too. Yeah. I guess it's like if you're under the weather, the weather's on top, but no matter what, you're under it. Yeah, once again, I'm a bottom. Once again. Anyway. So no, I I've been um a little uh unwell. Um, and then I had two shows late last. And you know, by the time you get home, I'm like, I know playing. Oh, he got where did the term under the weather come from? Oh well, he's quick. Is that a nuclear bomb? What is that? He's quick. It's a rain cloud. He looks how I feel. When in life did you feel the best best? Never. Really? No, I'm joking. Um when I was fucked up in the beginning. Yeah, in the beginning. In the beginning. Yeah, in the beginning. In the beginning. Um, and then when my kids were born. Yes. Yeah. Like when I'm with my kids. Yes. Um, it's God, being with kids is I I n I I feel like if I were a parent, I'd be like annoyed with someone saying this, but no, I babysat for two days. I babysat for two days two weeks ago. Niece is an epic It was my ne my three-year-old niece, and it was like at first I I was so scared. Because what a responsibility. I know. It's not people don't understand. I was so scared. I couldn't believe it. Because my sister was like, hey, mom was supposed to be taking the kids to summer camp, but she has to go help our stepdad with something. We don't have a car these days, and I was visiting. She's like, Can you take the kids? And I was like, Yes. So I met, called the car rental place, and I was like, I need a minivan. I go to get the minivan. I get in, they go, Congratulations, you've been upgraded to a sports car. I said, I can't have a sports car. I got three kids. Yeah. I got three. I it's I got two nieces and a nephew. And I was leading I said that's hard. It's a lot alone. So I was watching the niece for the two days, but I was I dropped them off and picked them up from summer camp. So there was a couple moments where it was all three. Yeah, it's I do it all the time. I know. It's so because I'm like the profound, and it's also especially like a three-year-old, because it's like I was thinking, like, how do you talk to someone that can't? I was like nervous, like I was like going over like topics. Oh, you're so sweet. But the second then you're with them, what they're she's talking to herself. It's whatever. I don't know about that. Is they're not supposed to do that? What is she saying?

SPEAKER_02 17:03

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, like, like, like. I'm gonna kill my auntie.

SPEAKER_05 17:10

She was saying, she was saying, can we get ice cream? Oh, I didn't know if she's like, she was like, I hate Jews.

SPEAKER_04 17:16

I didn't know what she was saying.

SPEAKER_05 17:18

Imagine.

SPEAKER_04 17:18

What would I do? What would I do? I think you'd have to pull over and be like, listen, there are some Jews that are good people. What would if could you imagine? My she and she's not she's so freaking cute. If I'm driving picture and she's in her little little car seat in the back, and then that little she said in the car seat. Just put tape over that. Oh no. I got them car seated. You have to, I'm joking. Yes, yes, yeah because I was scared, well, because I was a little nervous about that because I didn't think the car seat was gonna fit in the freak in the sports. I know it's I'm telling you, I s I really panicked when I had to start doing it alone because I was married and you know, my ex did a lot, which is amazing, you know, she's great with that.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

And your kids are so cute. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 18:02

And you've got I know I don't show pictures of them a lot. So cute. Yeah. So, so, so cute. Yeah, they're they're amazing, you know. But okay, so you what did you talk to the three-year-old about? So pretty quickly I realized I was like, oh, she's whatever. I'll like follow her lead. She's in her own little world. But we went to, we got ice cream, we went to the park, we went to the library. It was things where I was like, I would things I would just never go do on my own, you know what I mean? But I was like, why don't I like one of the I think the cutest one was so the first day she was like, Can we get ice cream? And I said, We can get ice cream later, but I went and got an iced coffee, and there was a giant life size for her because she's three, life size cut out of an ice cream cone. So she was looking at it, so I go, You want ice cream now? And she's like, Yeah. So I get her the ice cream, and then the next day she's like, Can we get ice cream again? And I got the ice cream with her, and then she was like, We need to sit, and then we just sat in silence and watched this guy mix cement and ate our ice cream at like 10 a.m. I know it's so fun. I have with my kids, you know. I took each of them to get ice cream a couple weeks ago when we were down the shore, like one at a time. Yes. Because it's hard to be with them, you know, all together. And I mean, meaning like I don't get a lot of time with them alone. Totally. And then they can really like focus in on you and they can ask little questions too. Yeah, it's so it's so special. I know I shouldn't have eaten their ice cream because it kind of ruined the whole thing. I know we get one, you get a hit of that sugar, and you know, you gotta finish that. Right. Right. I'm in control. You know, and they asked for certain things in it, like, I want marshmallows, I want semen, you know. And I'm like, no, they don't have semen here. Anyway, um it's so special. It's really cute. And I was making little jokes.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

Daddy was like, Can I I want Oreos, vanilla wafers, sprinkles, chocolate, red, and white. I want gummy bear. Like it was, she chose.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

Yeah, there was a vase of ice cream.

SPEAKER_04 19:55

And then when you get it for them, like the power of being like the power of ten dollars to a kid that age, too, is like, yeah, they can't believe when they're like, you'll get like I was like, get whatever you want, and they're like, I know. And then I took them to Dunkin' Donuts. For donuts? Holy shit. I blew their minds. Well, I wow. I blew I know my sis, that's what my sister said too. She was like, but I would I we got in the car and they were like, Do you ever go to Dunkin' Donuts? I was like, I do, and I was like, There's one right around the corner. And they were like, Can we get a donut? Oh, they must flip. They were like, You didn't get a donut, right? I didn't get a donut, but I did get the ice cream. My niece was the nine-year-old was smacking the seven-year-old when I said we'd get a donut too. She smacks him, she goes, Oh, and I smacked. I know that's what happens. And I felt so good. Yeah. But then I know that worries me for kids because I you gotta have no. I'm doing it as the fun aunt, but then when I have ki if if I ever have kids someday, which is something else I'm thinking about, which I can't even imagine, considering I came in with my little saying, you know. Which saying again? Stressed, depressed, and uh not feeling blessed. Unusually undressed that. Undressed? It might have been depressed. Crest. Do you need a crest?

SPEAKER_02 21:05

White strip, that's what it is.

SPEAKER_04 21:06

Do you? You have fake teeth? Yeah, the top ones are fake, so I can't even I can't even whiten them. I were you in a missing tooth for a while, d I have a problem with my front tooth. I was gonna tell you. Yeah. Are they veneers or are they? No, they're regular. Old fashion. If it falls out, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. I'm sorry. I know. I don't care. If I'm on stage and like, you know when like it's just there's it's not. And let me tell you, I said that myself. And when you're in any type of medical place, if it's the dentist, even the dentist, if you say, I'm gonna kill myself, they don't understand that you might be speaking in extremes. It's unconscious. How many times a day do you say I say it the second I woke up, I'm like, Time to go! Time to go. I've been rerouting it just to being like, fuck. So I've like re but I would bet I say a couple couple times a week. But I know that it's like it's like an extreme ver I feel like someone said this once or they're like, it's like if you're not didn't feel like you were heard when you were little, you speak in extremes, something like that. I think. So then it's like we say it as a way why I speak in extremes all day and not you know what I mean? It makes sense because then it's like you're trying to That makes a lot of sense. Like when I'm sick, I constantly I'm like I'm like I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick. And my girlfriend was like, I I hear you. I hear that you are sick. I believe you that you're stuck I hear you coughing and I hear oh I'm not even sick enough that I'll be coughing. Any type of if I even start feeling a little feverish I start like saying it over and over and over. It's anxiety. It's anxiety yeah I know and then I get scared that I'll be like stuck sick. Me too. I'm I cry when I'm sick really yeah and also like I used to get colds all the time. I was getting colds I'd say once a month I would be have a bad cold and then now in the past year and a half I get colds less. So maybe some of the health stuff is working. I don't know. I don't know. But I get colds less now. What do you eat in a normal day? So for a while it was so dialed in. For a while I was doing like the protein but e but it was a lot of process stuff. Now now I do like a I try to keep it where it's like 70% relatively healthy and then 30% whatever. But I used to be have like a real like sugar compulsion and then now I don't have that anymore because of therapy and then I think my meds are pretty dialed in. I mean maybe not. I love you so much. But you know when I put it all together it doesn't sound like that but yeah obviously I'm on the right medication combination.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

When you say relative hold on I have to shift my pants are so tight but you really look great.

SPEAKER_04 23:38

It's all black and I'm being but when I take face out it's like the blueberry girl on the Willy Wonka.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

You know when but you know the one I'm talking about like oh my god it's alcohol or something.

SPEAKER_04 23:49

Yeah yeah yeah when when you when like the level of people everybody fluctuates that level of like leanness like because you were so like it's like that's like it's healthy to like have some movement. You know what I mean? No I mean I just oh yeah that's exactly what I look like. No it's not he shouldn't have even pulled that up no it's so he's taunting you why is he a little person with a wig sucking on her tit. That's really inappropriate. These things we look back on and we go but I want to know what is your like you said you eat relatively healthy. Yeah what does that mean? Can you give me a typical day? So I wish I could be so proud of what I was like presenting but I'm gonna be honest. Okay. It's so funny. I love it. So I'll have I'm trying to get more protein in so I'll get I'll try to have like one of these in the morning the oh this is also the past couple days so it's like a coffee with like protein in it. And then I'll have like a smoothie a sand like a coffee smoothie has fruit and I'll have like spinach yogurt protein powder. Can you put pudding in it? Because I I could okay you could crush up a cigarette get it in there whatever you need to do. Whatever you need to do whatever you need to do. Wow is it bad if you don't smoke it? I think it is no it's not because I still got the chemicals once it's ground up really yeah that you can put coke in it it doesn't matter. Good good good I'm so glad that I realized that'll melt because it melts in in liquid like when I put it in my ass it melted right away so I'll do that sometimes I'll have like a do a sandwich and then I'll like usually eat at like a comedy cup. But wait wait you're you're getting too I don't need to interrupt you what kind of sandwich oh like isn't it a carb rat like a three wrap I wish I could walk you through a delicious sandwich but it what I do is I just take sourdough turkey cheese and then mayonnaise and that's by the way that's my ideal sandwich. It's a great sandwich but I wish I was putting like pesto and some vegetables on it. No, we're not okay emotionally you can't put pesto I want to be the type of person that eats zoodles. You know what I mean? Could you imagine if you take at dinner you make zoodles with some with a sauce and like a protein put the protein in the sauce like it like and then sit down and eat it because I'm not I I stand and eat quickly. I don't sit I know people don't realize we stand and eat a lot of comics in the shower. And it's a new Oh my god I've eaten I I do eat in the shower sometimes. Yeah I eat everywhere that's funny you mentioned that I hadn't done that in a really long time you ever eat in a shower the first thing I think I hate shower something I mean it depends who it is but like No I don't like it. Yeah I've never I don't like it. It feels like I feel like performative and I don't I don't like being standing up I don't like someone seeing the full picture of me either like I like kind of you know what I mean like I don't like a have you ever tried just laying down in the shower and me alone yes so many times trying to drown I've waterboard myself I've done it where I'll like sit and just let the water like come over me and I love a shower I love a bath. I love it too bath I have to if bath is too much self-care I have to be in really bad shape too if you put a some Epsom salt in a bath that is so good. I have so much at home I don't do it you deserve it I robbed my grandmother you deserve it an Epsom salt bath you know what I'm saying yeah and it's also if we start doing these things before we were super depressed that would be so good. I know you're right you know that's like when you find a therapist when you're not in a dark place you're gonna end up with a better therapist. Because you're not like desperate just grabbing whoever you're that's true. I wish I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables and I don't eat enough fiber. But you make a shake I buy the shake but so what? I buy the shake but it has fiber and vegetables in it. It's got some leaves of lettuce I mean no leaves of if you only had icebergs a few pieces of spinach I see him toss it in. I see him toss it in yeah you could put some other shit in it in our taking good care and then I wake up and I see the red on my little tracker thing and I think oh I gotta get I'm always like looking for stuff to do but then I don't want to do like the basics like of in in all my life I've read all everyone's like you gotta meditate you gotta take deep breaths and then I go hmm and then I look for a billion other things to do. Yeah. Instead of just doing the deep you know what I'm saying? I used to do that when I smoked cigarettes. Do you know that was the hardest thing about when I quit smoking cigarettes was the breathing in I it was really hard to stop doing that. Thank God we never smoked cigarettes at the same time oh I know we'd be out there right now just ripping buttons Zach can you go get us some cigarettes? I got you absolutely no I know I'm joking. Oh my god I think you should give yourself more why did I just sing? I think you should give yourself more credit I think you should give yourself more credit I know it's hard being a human being yeah it is and I didn't I changed my Zoloff from 100 to 75. You changed it yourself? Yeah I know and then I ran it by my psychiatrist and what'd she say she was like alright but I only see her every couple months so she doesn't really know the full picture and then my girlfriend will be like have you been taking your medication I know and I hate that question. Me too my mom and my sister sat me down and they're like did you stop taking your medication I'm like why do you say that? Huh? Uh-huh like I was out of my mind you guys hear those voices too did someone else just ask you that question yeah no I hate it when someone asks that too but then I then I'll be like okay you're first of all no I have it. Second of all that's not why I'm feeling down because it's also there's so many different variables going on. So it's very hard to tell what's what but I know for one sure as shit one variable is not getting sleep that tricks your thinking. When you don't get sleep then I'm that happens to me all the time. And that's what scares me so much about having kids to be totally honest. That's one of the we won't sleep for a while and it sounds like a silly reason but I'm like it's such a liability it's realistic. I'm also scared of snapping at my kids that I'm really scared of because I it's just like say you don't snap you know 98% of the time but then that one snap I could say something I could say something messed up. Like I'd be so scared I'd be like I wish I never had you like something like that. I don't think you would say that I hope not I don't but what if you don't say it what if you don't say it for 15 years and that one time.

SPEAKER_01 30:08

You apologize I snapped at my kids bad like two or three times like not like shut the fuck up like but just you know stop like screaming and and then I left the room and cried so right away oh great I'm being like my dad now.

SPEAKER_04 30:25

So you weren't getting caught up in the radio which was much worse than that. But and then I went right in and I said girls I'm so sorry that I just did that. I love you. I didn't mean to I lost my temper I I see you as a person they totally and yeah and then there was literally no nothing else with it. That's I feel like that because like try I feel like there's like so many leaps and bounds in communications too because I don't think anyone maybe I'm making excuse for him but I don't think anyone taught my parents how to even do that. You know what I mean? Yeah of course so like they didn't know. Yeah like this therapy has come into that's why I was seeing this thing about how Gen Z is the most depressed generation I'm like are they the most depressed or do they just know the depression language do they know how to to identify it as being depressed. Someone else I just saw that someone language because it's like they know how to say anxiety I've got this I've got that or maybe they really are the most depressed because of social media. I don't know. Yeah but I feel like at least like with my dad or my mom you know my dad's 75 74 my mom's 79 it's like I don't think they had the terms to say no I'm sure they didn't you know like they yell a lot not a lot but my dad when he would yell would be really scary. Yeah and actually I'm gonna take that back my mom would yell but it's like she it wouldn't necessarily be like yelling at me but it's a constant yell about life and things. So for example let's say she walked in a room or let's say she goes into an Apple store. This was a recent thing she walked we're all the way to the store she's like my computer doesn't work it's working of course it doesn't work this isn't working and you're like it goes from so to and then we walk in and she's like making noises to try to get one of the associates attention so she's kind of like it's a lot you're all busy so she's like I'm trying to pick up your uncle and so I was like excuse me like when can we make an appointment with a genius and she was like and I'm like a genius like there's like just little things and then they're like you might need this might need that and she'd be like just do it just do it and then you want to you want to buy this and she'd be like uncle just angry and anxious and you know angry and anxious and I said to her because she got diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and I was like I don't know a lot about that but if it has to do with inflammation I think you might be spiking your quarters on she goes what's that my doctor and I go so cord is almost the stress hormone that you just activated and she's like my doctor and I was like so much. It's a lot. So she yells I don't know if that's yelling but it's like or like all it's chaos. It's chaos but I don't think she knows how to Well listen at that age no it's like what is she gonna do what's she gonna do? Like go to an anger management group. Right. She did go to a happiness class years ago. What is a happiness class we got I don't know but we should we should find out we need can you look that up a happiness so she went in Cambridge Massachusetts we need to move there. So I remember it we moved to the class we moved into the classroom we're never in our all black hat outfits I I remember her once saying she was like I lived with her after college I remember her coming in and she said she was like Emma do you ever hear a voice that's critical of you and it's in my voice and I was like what do you mean?

SPEAKER_03 33:47

And she goes well in my happiness class I said that a child's first inner voice is what their mother said to them and then I thought about you and I thought shit and I was like that is so you should do that on stage.

SPEAKER_04 34:01

That's really funny. I know I haven't been taught you know I I haven't been talking about my mom much anymore because I guess in therapy now almost it's like my relationship with her now is great. But it's like almost now through therapy it's almost like I find her less funny is that weird no and she was such a muse for me. Yeah. And I still do think she's funny but I used to think like I used to be like like the first thing I would say about my mom if you're gonna meet my mom like oh you're gonna meet my mom like she's so funny like oh she's so funny. But I think I was doing that as a way to kind of like buffer that maybe she's a little volatile. Yeah. And so now I'm kind of see that and I go oh is this funny so I'd say I you gotta meet my mom and I love her very much. Now my mom would like you. I know she would she would think you're funny. I have no doubt in my mind. She'd think you're silly oh yeah I am silly. You're silly you know what I mean and she's she's but she she's just like a little is she a Trumper? No so it's against like my mom. Oh yeah she's super liberal. Yeah super like what do you think about Lindsey Graham? Do you do you think he's in hell sucking cocks I I I hadn't thought I didn't even know he died until this morning. Yeah I do get a gay vibe and I from him no just in this room right now I'm getting a gay vibe Jessica I'm getting what makes you think Lindsey Graham was gay it was all these posts that people were making like and I believe I really believe if someone is that homophobic they're over I'm really joking. He was never married so this is not scared I'm autistic because I am so slow with sarcasm. I pick up sarcasm so slow. I'm sorry. No I'm sorry yeah no I think he he was a flaming homosexual so I haven't even I haven't seen a video of his speaking patterns which I know is can kind of be kind of like stereotypically a little bit of a giveaway. Well his is very like Christian I'm not gay kind of thing. Can you do him speaking? For him to dedicate so much of his life to just tear do you think he put in his will that he wanted to be buried in a dress like he's finally dead and just put me in a fucking set me free. Yeah. Do you think he was more of a top or a bottom bottom really I was gonna say top no way I think he was tied up with a fucking interesting I think he asked he would get escorts and they would just have an anal plug in him and just plug it Let's go, let's go, let's go. Were these are these senators that do that are they not worried about the people coming forward? You know it's interesting because I heard years ago like from sources in DC that he really did get escort escorts people are posting years ago people are posting all over I guess they had to probably sign something right I would assume but like is this him oh my god whatever on my watch these If we had watching Saturday night lives totally totally what if we had a show where we just narrated she hates him so much is this Saturday night live you know like all Jews that was probably in a Chinese restaurant is this Saturday night live they do a bug break I can almost see that one coming in what are they doing in the me too so you were celebrating Senator You were with your family on Christmas day at a Chinese restaurant okay yes sir that's great that's what Hanukkah Christmas is all about.

SPEAKER_01 37:39

It's now that was sarcasm right yes I found that a little anti-Semitic yeah I mean because he said that he there's a little sass in that I think he supports Jews because he's like one of those psycho Christian like Jerusalem Okay, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_04 37:54

Yeah yeah I mean But that sound felt a little sassy because he said that's what Christmas is not about. I know you don't get to say what Christmas is all about. You're not you're not Santa you're not the president of is there a figurehead in Hanukkah or you're not Oh you mean the president of Hanukkah well because he just said he goes he said she was at a Chinese restaurant and he goes because that's what Christmas is all about and it's like well historically a lot of people go to Jewish people go to Chinese restaurants on Christmas because they're open. Right. But it's I felt that was a little sassy on his part. I didn't like the vibe of that but sometimes I think things are racist sexist and homophobic and they're not so what do I know?

SPEAKER_01 38:26

I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 38:27

I mean I think he was more thinking like you know he wouldn't be with her if she gave him a million dollars you know wait so do you think Mitch McConnell is also gay? I can't tell with him I don't think he is he's too he doesn't have enough like I can't tell with him but it's so I mean they must have there they seem pretty sloppy with the amount because they're getting escorts in DC like wouldn't she had like I don't know like gone somewhere or done something. 100% because it's like he was obviously I mean or maybe they were like so compartmentalized and doing it so much and getting away with it for so long that he just like kept doing it but God. Mitch McConnell would be great at like um deep throat because he has he has so much here. Yeah you know what I'm saying like you could get really Who do you think would be a top between him and Lindsey Graham?

SPEAKER_05 39:20

Oh look how hot he is I mean if I But this is the thing I never want a beauty shame or whatever it is but then when the person Oh I do when it's someone like him.

SPEAKER_04 39:28

Yeah I first of all it's I don't know they're evil people.

SPEAKER_01 39:35

So it's like Right Exactly looks shocked that he's alive.

SPEAKER_04 39:40

Yeah I'm really still here he's waking up with an attitude of gratitude shocking wait am I crazy or does he have like kind of nice blue eyes or his eyes oh my gosh you're attracted to Mitch McConnell are you losing your mind I mean his eyes are slightly beautiful I would rather be with a goat than be with that man. I'm not kidding covered in feces. Yeah me too me too me too me too a hundred percent did you just say he has nice eyes I think he might but I've never looked in his eyes before why would you look at I don't know why I did just now normally I see him I just go oh but now I'm there like mesmerized do you what? I don't know maybe he's like pulling me into the depths of hell with him I don't know but it's like let's both try to masturbate to his face tonight and see who comes oh my God I have lowered my because of lowering the Zoloft now I am like I wasn't I don't know why I'm now all of a sudden being shy I wasn't like masturbating very much but I or like at all. And then since I lowered the Zoloft but I didn't think I don't think I lowered it enough to do Google Mitch McConnell but I think I could get there in my head I actually I think you should raise it because you were looking in deep into his eyes yeah I'll tell my therapist that and she won't be surprised at all. Do you think my meds for you she won't no if I was like I I was sexually attracted to Mitch McConnell I gotta go out raise my Zolo I love that you were sexually Well I just thought he had nice eyes I can't believe you even it's interesting to me. I'm not judging you I think it's actually a good thing. I actually think it's very it's amazing that you saw something they were piercing I feel so unsafe. Do I have a maybe I wait just keep that picture. Do you think that he has ever swallowed straws what do you think he smells like I think he's the reason we had to get paper straws he's he looks like he swallowed 46 of them and he's just like I got straws in my throat he's so disturbed like he's just so show his wife because oh he's was Lindsey Graham married no Lindsey Graham was never he was never married in a relationship with I used to be like so at whoa yeah speaking of straws wow I don't even know why I just meant like in terms of like there seems like there's a lot of plastic in the face that wasn't like any type of anything. Wow that was not what I was you just I that was not what I was expecting. You were being racist because I swear to God it was just like it was an associate. No I like Asians. Not as a people but I just meant like that seems like there's a lot of plastic going on which more power to you I got plastic in my face as well I do I do cosmetic stuff. Yeah I get it. So me too so I mean I need to get a lot more so can you do the close up of them first of all look at look at her looking she looks like she freaking it reminds me of that picture remember when Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande were like walking out of the thing and she was like looking up at him and it was kind of like smitten she looks very smitten in that picture. But there's no way now that I see these pictures that's a gay man. That's a gay man. Yeah that man is not could you see him fucking can you imagine? Oh yeah That's a gay man he the the way his like body composition not that you can tell someone was gay from their body composition but there's something about him that is not the energy of a man that is physical with which it might be a dike I can't make any more comments the second he was in the hospital she flew to China. Do you realize that no what'd she say she was like I'm I'm free I in China did she really just fly right to China when he was in the hospital I think it was China I don't want to say the wrong now how up on the news do you stay? Because I go through phases. Phases I I watch it until I can't watch it for a while. And then I'll hear my girlfriend will always like you know give me like info on stuff. Yeah that's what I do and I'll try actually also my um my stepsister I like trust her like opinion on politics so I go to her and she always has like a ton of stories about stuff so I'll go to her feed and just that's how I knew uh Lindsey Graham died actually this morning I went she had had one that said like rotten hell and then there was Lindsey Graham and I went oh okay he's dead and so I get my news kind of from her yeah I get it I mean I look at people's stuff too but I I really immediately went to that he and Mitch McConnell were drugged. Really? Like killed? Well he met with um Zelensky like two days earlier Okay. Oh, and you think he likes a support for Ukraine? Really? Lindsey Graham did. Yeah. I I cannot imagine those two. That was his last public appearance.

SPEAKER_01 44:09

Oh, and Zelensky did him in.

SPEAKER_04 44:11

Yeah.

unknown 44:12

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

I like that Zelensky. I like him.

SPEAKER_04 44:16

I well, he was a comic. Have you ever seen any footage of him doing stand-up? I don't know. Do you is there footage of him doing stand-up? I think it would. I mean, it's it let's see. I have no idea what he's saying, but he looks charismatic. I didn't buy it for stand-up. I didn't buy it for stand-up, to be totally honest. Do you think he's gay? I don't think so. I don't either. My gaydar for men is okay. It's okay. So my gaydar for men is okay. My gaydar for women is alright too. It's not amazing in any direction. I I've misfired. Usually I'll just assume people are straight. Like, I thought my therapist was queer for like two years. Really? I thought she was queer. I I don't, I I think I misheard that when we did the intro, I when we like first met, she said something about like the queer community, and I thought she said she was in it. And I actually This is so funny. I had a crush on her. Yeah. Oh, that's hard. People always say they're like, oh, it's so common to have a crush on your therapist. I've never had a crush on a therapist before ever. Did she look like Mitch McConnell? No, but she is 76. Interesting. And she, Jessica, she's so funny. She's like, that's what's attractive. I know. I used to have a therapist like that. She's so funny, and she's super dark. And she's like this very like Jewish older woman on the upper east side. We've never met in person. It's always over Zoom. She's so her name's Barbara. She's so funny. But I've had so many, I've had like a lot of therapists before I've never had a crush. And then I had there was this one session, we moved our times. Normally we would see each other in the morning. It was at 5 p.m. And she said, Do you mind if I eat? And I said, Of course not. And then she was eating sushi with chopsticks. And we were laughing a lot. And I think I got confused because there's something, it seems with sushi and chopsticks, when you're eating over Zoom and you're laughing, it felt a little date-like. Like there's something about sushi. It's a little sexual. I think she was flirting with me, is what I'm trying to tell you. So I developed a crush and then I told you it does feel like a date. It dare eating sushi. Like it's different if she's just eating like some cheese. A sandwich. Yeah. Yeah, of course. But like sushi. And she says she always eats with chopsticks because it helps her pace herself. And I said, Everything? She eats everything. Everything. But she told me that after we did that because I mentioned why I thought I had a crush. And she goes, Well, just so you know, I always eat with chopsticks. That wasn't like a special thing for our session or something. How'd you find her? Through referral. Yeah. I went back because I was like, I hadn't seen a therapist in years, and I said, I really want to find a good therapist. And there was this great therapist I saw in Boston. And I we're talking 10, 15 years ago. So I reached out to her, Susan, and I said, Do you know anybody in New York? And she connected me with two people. One of them was this like super waspy woman. Yeah. And then one of them was this like super not waspy woman. Like Barbara swears, she's like, and she's an addiction specialist. Yeah. And I met with the first one, and I liked her, but then I was like, I'm gonna go with Barbara. And then Barbara missed our first two sessions. And I was like, What is going on? And then she's like, sorry, I have really bad ADD. And she's never missed one since then, but it was like this like weird beginning. And I don't think I could do that. I know, I'm not judging her. No, I know. Super weird. I just think for me, because I've been phantom and stuff. Totally. And I was like, what are we doing? I mean, she didn't show up twice. Show up twice. The first two. And one of them, she had a client that had like an emergency, and then the other one was a scheduling thing. But then I'm glad, I was like, I'm gonna give her one more chance. And then it's been great, except I feel recently now I'm so sick of myself complaining about the same thing. Talk therapies. So I need to make some movement on it because it's kind of like I know, I know I'm the problem with it, but but also I'm like something else is going on. It's like a nervous system thing, or I need to, you know, I feel like I'm like, I need to tap out, I need some more skills. What type of therapy does your girlfriend do? Is it talk therapy? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:04

So my my partner, Sarah, who you've hung out with, she just loves you. Oh my god, watches all your stuff.

SPEAKER_04 48:09

I appreciate that. Thank you, Sarah. She's great. We went to because we went over to her, I went over to her place for the election results coming. It's so a bunch of us hung out. Lots of wires getting across because it's so fun to catch up and see people. So you're catching up, hadn't seen you in a long time. Catching up, fun, fun, fun. We're having fun, and then the news. Made it right. Yeah. Made it, made it. Mood, eating. Everyone left. Yeah, the dip. Yeah, we got Greek food. Great delicious. Should she Greek food? And it was fun, fun, fun, but then the news and then I kept looking over, and then it's getting worse and worse, and then it's like silence, and everyone's like, oh, time to go. I know, I know.

SPEAKER_01 48:47

She is a trauma therapist, trauma specialist. Awesome. And she's a doctor, and she has a practice in the city, and she deals a lot with the queer community.

SPEAKER_04 48:57

A lot of people coming out of extreme religion, trying to get out or still in, and you know, whatever may never leave, but um a lot of stuff with transgender people. I mean, she's incredible. I so Dr. Sarah Glass, you should follow her. Dr. Sarah Glass everywhere. And she has a book. Yeah, she has an amazing book called Kissing Girls on Shabbat. I love her. And it's incredible. It's her story. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. I she's great. I wish I could find a therapist like her. You know? Do you have a therapist now? I do. Um but it's, you know, it's been a long time with someone, you know. It's uh, and I feel too like I have you ever tried tapping? No, but I want to. It's amazing. So I I've been reading about it. I don't do it, but it really helps. See, that's that's how I give advice saying, like, listen to me right now, you gotta you gotta meditate. You've gotta meditate. It's that'll change your life. But you do it, I go, no, not once, but I'm telling you. And it's so quick. I'm gonna do it later today. Yeah, freaking tap. No, I used to do it all the time. Do you know how to do it? To tap? Yeah. Well, I know how to tap. You know how to tap. Now No, you watch this video. So you gotta know where to do it. My guy's name is Brad Yates, I think. Okay. And you literally just do can you bring that up? I want to do it. Because I want to do that, and I also want to do the eye movement therapy where you move your eyes really quick. But Barbara says she doesn't think I'm a good candidate for that. I have a great thing for you with that. Because I want to be able to I'm gonna tell you there's a thing called ART. I've talked about it. I've never even heard of that. Accelerated resolution therapy. Yeah, I need I love acceleration. It's instead of going a ton of times, you go once. I swear to you. That's what I need is it's in West Hartford. I'll go with you. Great, let's do it. I've had some of our friends have gone. Great.

SPEAKER_05 50:38

And then repeat after the rest of the thing. And even so even if something like that is like applicit. What does it wrong with me to do?

SPEAKER_00 50:44

You literally repeat what are my body. Even though I have this stress in my body, I choose to relax now. Well, I'll stop you right now. I choose to relax now.

SPEAKER_07 50:54

We're gonna stay on the side of the hand, two more statements. Even though I have all the stress.

SPEAKER_00 51:00

Even though I have all the stress, you're doing it a little sexually.

SPEAKER_04 51:04

You're tapping your fingers like this.

SPEAKER_03 51:06

Jessica's going to be open to releasing it now.

SPEAKER_07 51:10

Jessica's going like that. I'm open to releasing heavy feeling. And one more time, still. Try it, try it. You have to repeat it.

SPEAKER_04 51:18

Even though I'm holding it up. I choose to love and honor myself.

SPEAKER_03 51:20

This is why we can never be near a cult leader. All this stress.

SPEAKER_04 51:23

Because now if he was like, now go sacrifice the shit. I feel worse. Oh, really? My hand hurts. That's because you were finger fucking your hand. I know. I literally look over your finger the plug.

SPEAKER_01 51:32

I finger fuck my hand a lot. It's really not appropriate, especially at the school.

SPEAKER_04 51:38

Um so wait, to be serious has helped me. I know. No, I would I would really like to try that. I'm also open to I'm very like hypnosis. I the most extreme thing I tried, it was called um a stellagagnon block, where they put uh anesthesia into this like nerves thing in your neck, and it it blocks your nervous system for 30 seconds. And I did it. And the first time I did it, so I went so if you do it in New York, it's like insanely expensive. You gotta do all rules and regulations. So I did it in Vegas. So I do it in Vegas. That's great. And I go to this place it was called like a it was like a ketamine clinic that also did it. So I call him up just I said, Hey, I'm calling just for a consultation, and the guy literally swear to God, he goes, You want to come in right now? And I went, Well, he's like, What are you doing? What are you doing now? Oh my god. And I was like, Well, because you have to take a full night off because part of your face freezes.

SPEAKER_01 52:30

This is the fact that you did this.

SPEAKER_04 52:32

Oh, I did it twice, Jessica. I'm impressed because I will never do that. So I did it twice, and the first time it was amazing. I do it, and you don't you don't feel your nervous system, but it suspends it. So if your nervous system is overactive, it gives it a full pause, then do a reset. So I do it, then my face kind of starts to freeze up. I go, and he said, he goes, do not watch anything scary or stressful. You're in a very vulnerable state from this. So I made a mistake. I watched nothing scary or stressful at first. I've watched Freaking Law and Order Special Victims Unit. Shouldn't have done it, but it was on, it's my favorite show. So I did have the most intense nightmares of my entire life. But I wake up, never felt better. So I go, oh my god. I love that you watch that when I did not. Were you just trying to like chance it, like gamble a little? I rented this, I rented a maybe. Because I was watching something else. This is the thing where it's like I worry about the snapping. It's like you're great most of the time, but then that one SVU episode after the stelic agnon block. Yeah. You know. Did you feel high from it? I felt so relaxed. But and then you stay relaxed. Like then So the idea is ideally, it re helps your nervous system recalibrate. So if you're stuck in fight or flight, then it gives you a break and gives your nervous system a chance to like fully break from that fight or flight response. So I felt so relaxed. So it wasn't mind altering. And I read, you know, I like looked into that before. Wasn't mind altering. He was really pushing ketamine therapy too. And I am interested in that, but but I I felt so relaxed, and then you can do it again to like cement in the results. So I go back a week later. Wow, so you got a shot in a thick needle. Oh my thick. And it's right here. I'm sorry, I'm so I know, I was really scared. You did yourself? I did, yeah. Wow. You have I brave. I mean that's thank you. No, I'm serious. That's one word for it. Yeah, or psychotics. Yeah, that's but it I researched it a bunch and I was if you researched it and you trusted him, I mean. I did a scan. Yeah. I did a little pruse on Reddit, you know, I checked it out. The next time I go in, we do it again. Next day I wake up not feeling so good. And I go, huh. And then I checked, I track all my stuff, and my my it had so my body was super relaxed after the first time, second time, crashed. So I reached out to him and I was like, hey, what happened? He goes, Ooh. He goes, so about five percent of the time when you do it a second time, it undoes what you did the first time. I said, What? What? And he goes, That's what I said. I said, Are you fucking kidding me? He didn't tell you that before. He might have. He might have. Yeah. Because you know they don't think there's a risk to do that. I know they just keep sign this, sign this, sign that. Yeah, I know. And so I sign, sign, sign, sign, sign, sign. And then he said, There's like a, you know, there's a always a slight chance that this happens. He goes, slicks it could happen to you. So I go, I said, well we've got to redo it. Let's do another one again. He goes, and it's not really how it works. You can never, you're just now you're fucked, and you I said How much do you gamble? No, thank God do you? I mean, not in the casino, but you used to. Really? Yeah. I mean But not that you were good. I bet I bet you could play.

SPEAKER_01 55:42

I'm very good at blackjack.

SPEAKER_04 55:43

Really?

SPEAKER_01 55:44

Very that's fun. Yeah. I mean, I play by the rules, but I just get very impatient with people at the table.

SPEAKER_04 55:50

Really? Yeah. There's always an like an old woman, like an old Asian woman. I'm people go, well, why do you have to say GD? Because she is Asian.

SPEAKER_03 55:57

Jessica.

SPEAKER_04 55:59

But I'm telling you, they're they're beautiful and adorable, but they'll they'll be I can picture that so clearly.

SPEAKER_02 56:04

I can picture you're just like, Oh, I don't know what to do. Uh and I'm like, hit, hit it.

SPEAKER_04 56:12

And she probably loves you. Yeah. The person probably like absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 56:15

Okay, I hit, and then they win. But no, I mean you can't be like, I'm meaning I'm good at like I know all the strategies, but I lost, you know.

SPEAKER_04 56:25

I could see you hosting, like, would you ever host like a gambling show? That would be fun. I could see you doing that. And I think you could like be a bridge for people that like don't know much about gambling to like get you could eat I think you could do it for people that are like into gambling, but I also think you could do it as a bridge for like me. Like, I don't know about gambling, but I think if you hosted it and you'd were making you know doing funny stuff, then that would like get other people to do it. You could be good at that. I would do it as long as it's not people who will like are betting their rent. That's the thing. I can't. You can't. No. That's the thing. Yeah. It's like if they have a lot of money and it's just like whatever, or do not a lot, but I'm just saying if it's where it's like playing with their like this is my dad's a mathematician, he was always talking about gambling. He's like, that's what you do. You have to have that consider that you're gonna lose it. Yes. But I never got uh I never got a super rush from gambling. So I in Vegas, like maybe I did it a couple times, but I never never got like super hooked on it. Thank the Lord. I know, thank the Lord, yeah, because that's a really scary way. It's bad. It's bad. I mean, once I had kids, I was like, I cannot lose this money. This is ridiculous. Was there a moment when you first had kids? Like, did you have that? Is there like is it almost like a white light moment where all of a sudden like things just change and you're like where you just like feel like a love you've never felt before? Yeah, yeah. I see it, I see it because it's so special and it's so pure. It's so pure. It's so pure. I was like, I loved experiencing with the two women then pregnant.

SPEAKER_01 57:48

I think it's the most beautiful thing on earth. I was like, I just loved it, I was unbelievable to me.

SPEAKER_04 57:55

Like I'm really always be grateful to both of them, no matter what, because they have my children. Yes. I mean, yeah. So I remember Zoe, my she's 20 now. I know, is that sick? So she graduated college? She's in college, she's going into her junior year. Wow. But when I when she came out, I was like, and she had a full head of hair. This is a true story. Really? And I literally screamed in panic that it was an animal. I'm sure. She's just giving birth. She's in her most vulnerable spot. She gave birth to a sheep. And they're like, a sheep. Oh, what is it? What kind of panda bear? She cheated on me with an iguana.

SPEAKER_05 58:40

Your first words are you get, it's an animal.

SPEAKER_04 58:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 58:42

But a full head of hair is kind of crazy.

SPEAKER_03 58:44

It's like, ah.

SPEAKER_04 58:48

A full head of hair is wild, but so cute. Full head of black hair. And it was shocking. Like you don't expect to see that. I'm not talking about a couple shock. I'll show you. Crazy. Full head of hair. Full head of hair. Stunning. I wonder what that moment is where it's like because we look at kids and there's like this innocence and it's so pure and it's so great. And then there's like a certain, like there's just like a moment where I don't know if it's them taking in society more or like what point their brain clicks in, where then like, not that there's that we stop when it's like, when do we stop treating each other the way with the awe that we treat kids? You know what I mean? I know. Cause like to me, like the way I would treat my the the it's so pure. But I used to be one of those people before babysitting, where if someone's kids, because kids will look at me a lot, and I think if they're trying to figure out if I'm a boy or a girl, yeah. Where I would say, Oh, hi, and like, oh, how old are they? Or you're they're so cute. I used to do that a lot. After being with my niece for an afternoon, I'm not talking to someone's kid ever again.

SPEAKER_01 59:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 59:42

Because it was stressing me out when people were talking to my niece. And so now I'm just keeping I know. Well, let tell me about that if you don't mind, like please, how you feel because you're so attractive. You are you, you are you stuck. So I would assume. Thank you so much. No, that's true. I really appreciate that because I've been really trying. Yeah, I've been really trying in the past. Amazing. Thank you so much. I've been really trying. It's a whole thing. Yeah. It's a whole I know. And you're I can tell because you look great.

unknown 1:00:15

Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:15

But I would assume the more I work on my looks, the more people confuse me for Mae Martin, I swear to God. Oh, I'm sure. See, people that might not know who that is. It's a famous uh comedian actor. But you guys yeah. I'm much shorter. So I appreciate it. But I'll get screwed. People will be like It's the hair. Yeah. It's the hair and being butchy. Yes. Right? Yeah. They mistake me for Melissa McCarthy, Rosie O'Donnell, Barney. I get the same thing. People are gonna get upset that I'm making fun of myself, but I don't feel good about myself today. Yeah. And it'll change. No, I know. Ebbs and flow. But but listen, I would assume But I really appreciate that because it is a whole thing. I think it was like, I never used to um have like a vision of what I would want. I just felt like I don't like left out of the equation of picturing a version of myself that I even like. So I thought, what would happen if I tried to really work on it? And my girlfriend said she's like, you just need to do this for you. She was like, because the things you want career-wise, this isn't going to affect. She was like, but if you feel like it's something that you can work on, go for it. And then there was a line where I I think part of me gets a little obsessed with it because it only in terms of like trying to look younger. Yeah. But I don't care about that for anyone else but for myself, but it comes from a place of insecurity because I think it's insecurity with where I'm at. So I feel like if I were younger, then I would feel more comfortable with where I'm at. So it's not an aesthetic. You mean where you're at uh business wise? Yes, exactly. So that's what it is. Because I'm like, oh my god, if I was like a 15-year-old, I'd be killing. I know, it's very hard. So it's not because to me, like I it's such a personal thing, because like I think, I don't know, to me, it really is like that's not something I would even clock for other people. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean truly my way. My crush, genuine not crush of my therapist, Barbara, who's 76 and she doesn't, you know, do I'm the same way.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:10

I'm not into like meaning I it's about energy, it's a hundred percent.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:14

But but you must get hit on a lot by no straight women. So sometimes every so sometimes after shows I'll tell you the exact sign because it's the same thing every time. So I know what you're gonna say. Well, it'll be like someone who's like kind of like they're looking at me trying to do some math, and then they go, I wish I experimented more in college. And then I go, Oh, don't we all? And then that's it. Yeah. Or it's someone, it's always someone with kids, and they're like, I'm married and I've got a couple kids, but I don't know, maybe I maybe I'd be interested in you. And I'm like, how do I respond? I go, I'm with someone, but thanks so much for that incredible author. Like, what are we talking? What are we doing? I know, it's it's amazing. And I I don't get hit on very much other than that. But I'm also surprised. I appreciate that. But you talk about your girlfriend. I talk about my girlfriend, and I also am very openly like, I'm a mess, like I'm silly, you know, oh, I'm an idiot. So it's not like I feel like if you have like a certain vibe of like cool, like I think I'm cool in a way, and and I'm also very friendly. So I think if someone were hey, how you doing? So I think it's you people get hit on more, usually have more of a mystique. I agree, you know, the the friendly thing, yeah. Definitely. So that's like you probably don't even realize when women are doing. I don't realize ever. I pr I promise I don't get hit on every I mean every now and then, every every now and then. Like like last October, I was at a show and this girl came and she really squeezed my arm. Yeah. And she was hitting on me. Oh. And I do think good job. Good job at the show. Maybe I just wanted to be hitting him. She was really pretty like Mitch McConnell's a little bit, and I went, Mitch? Were you like Mitch? Oh my god. No, I mean you felt that she was I felt a vibe. And my girlfriend was sitting next to me too, and she felt it too, because then I looked right at my girlfriend and she was like, whatever. Did she get jealous? No. Yeah. No. I thought maybe um this doctor was hitting on me two weeks ago. Which I know it wasn't the gyno, but it was a sphincter specialist. You know, but hold on, let me just say that you do the process. And it's hard because I've never heard those two words together. And I like to teach I like I love to be a teacher.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:22

Okay. You need to tell me this is a perfect way to end the podcast. Okay. You need to tell me what a sphincter specialist is, and then you need to absolutely tell me why you had to go, and then you need to tell me if you were sore after.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:38

Okay. But and also I do true and I'm not joking, I do truly wonder if there was a flirtation. Which I know sounds like this is a woman? Yes. Okay, thank God. I know. Why people get so concerned if they ever think I'm getting flirted with with a guy or something. Why? I never I never get flirted with a guy. I know I don't, but but uh someone will say, like, oh, if if I'll always tell guys like they look good, like I'll be like, Oh, you look good. I always say that to that. I'm like, oh you look great, you guys. And then someone will go, Oh, they'll be like, Oh no, I hope he didn't think you were like it, not but like in general, like at the gym, I'll give a guy's thumbs up. I'm the same way. Yeah, I always I always even walking around if a guy looks good, I'm like, Oh, you look good. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that doesn't mean you want them. Like so, yeah, but I'm the sphincter thing, okay, the specialist. Uh that's hard to say. Sphinx specialist. And I do, I swear, I know it's hard with a doctor because like they have to ask you a lot of intake questions. I felt the flirtation. Really? Did you guys spoon after? What made you that it was the talking? Oh, like take it, take it. Well, she like did put her fingers in my butt, but that was not why I thought they should be. How many? You just said fingers. What? Yeah. We gotta go. Why? Let me tell you. Why not? Because I couldn't pay her, so that's how I had to pay for the session. It was so it I had been having all these stomach issues. So my GI doctor was like, I'm gonna refer you to this person, and they and I it's like a special. With sphincters, whatever. I don't know what a sphincter is. Who goes to who goes to med school to be a sphincter specialist? Who goes to med school to be a sphincter specialist? I would dying to know. Dying to know. So this is two Wednesdays that go. I come back in early from visiting family. Because they're like, you really have to leave at 6 a.m. to make, I gotta see a sphincter specialist. And they go, okay, I'm out. They already think I'm nuts. So of course you do. We wouldn't expect anything else. I go, ah, dot dot. I'm saying goodbye to my. Did you have to take laxatives the night before? No. So I did that when I went to the GI doctor because we had to do a colonoscopy. Yes, thank you. Yeah. So I did that, and he said, When I get to the colonazi, he says, You're good. So there's no problems. I go, there's a problem because of my digestion stuff. So then we don't talk. Then I said, Things are worse than ever. Sent him a message. He said, I'm going to send you to my colleague. So I look her up before I go. One star reviews. All one star reviews. One, one, one, one, one, one, one. There's like one. You went to a sphincter specialist that had one star reviews. One, one. We're talking like Do you want to die? Are you kidding me? Why did you go if she had one-star reviews? She had one two-star review, I swear to God. Wait, I'm I'm not sure. That said, well, the receptionist was nice. I swear to God. This is her first name was Isabella. That's my daughter's name. Ew. Wait. What's that? Imagine we named her after the sphinxter specialist. The Sphinx specialist? There's not, it's not two ways with the confidentiality, right? You know how doctors can't say their clients? I can say her. Dr. Isabella. Just making sure I'm not breaking protocol. I don't remember last year. I love it's not two ways. It's just funny. Where they go, oh, I can't, what's that clause? HIPAA. HIPAA. Yeah. What'd you call me? HIPAA. Should we bring up Sphincter specialist? Yeah, why not? There's another layer to this. Why do you call someone with one star review? Because he referred me, and I'll tell you right now, I'm so glad I did. I am so glad I did. And because I have a premise, I think that they'll so I go in, I'm in the lobby, and I had seen a a picture of her popped up, right? Yeah, she's a surgeon. Yep, that's it. So she's a surgeon, and I can get her exact name because it's it's uh I've got it in my phone. But I I I see her walk in when I'm in the lobby, and she's stunning. And I message her? I message my girl. So the picture doesn't do it justice. I mean she was she was so beautiful, and I that's not her. I can get her name. So this poor woman. Oh whoa, that's her, that's her on the right. On the right, NYU. That one on the top. Yep. So if you Google her she's beautiful, yep. So if you Google her um and look up her name, but I left her a good review, actually, after I saw I left her a five-star review, I swear to god. I I it should pop up probably. Well, did you come? Is that why? No, no, but she was so thorough. And so, but first of all, she's so beautiful in person. And I messed and I would have said this if it was a guy of equal beauty. I go, first of all, who becomes a sphincter specialist? And then if you are what did she say? Did you ask her that? No. Oh I should have. Yeah. But I was taken back. She walked in and I was like, I felt shy. Because of course, and she's about to slam you in the ass. And she's anyone that's that good looking, it's out of place. You go No, I know. Did she spit on it first? At least she had loop. She did have loop. Oh, I'm sure. So I didn't know that we were even doing that part of the exam. Because they asked me all those questions. I felt shy. My face is like bright red. No. And then when I listen, I get it. When a doctor's attractive and they're going in your ass or something. Been there like I just couldn't. And if it was a guy that was equally as good looking, it's just like, like I had a gorgeous guy doctor once in LA, and I was kind of like, whoa, like all of a sudden you're just you're kind of like, What are you? I don't want to tell you. I know. My and literally I'm telling her I'm having incontinence. Well, I'm the nurse says the check-in. I go, Oh, I put my pants, I put my pants. And then she comes in, she goes, So the nurse said you I go, Oh, I don't know about any of that. You know, like I'm trying to like downplay it again. Yeah, you're like, ah, I'm fine. And then she's looking at it, she's like, says here that this is like terrible. I'm like, wow, I was exaggerating, you know. But it's like I I then after I talked for a second, I start being like, Okay, I need help, so I'm gonna like tell her the whole thing. But I felt like there was like a lot of prolonged eye contact in a way where I go, is she flirting with me? Wow. But I don't know. Was her for her fingers inside of you at the time? Not at the time. So she was very professional with that. So she goes, Do you want to do the exam, the rectal exam now? And I went, Oh, today. And she was like, Yeah, she's like, it's optional, which thank God. I mean, if it wasn't optional, that would be scary. Yes. She goes, it's optional. Imagine she forced you. She goes, You're not taking her. You're not leaving this room. Maybe that's why she had so many one star reviews because. Did you ever tell anybody about this? I won't tell anybody but one star. That's why she had well, because then also I go, why has she got so many one stars? When I saw her, I go, is it racism? Because I was like, why has she got so many one stars? Because she was phenomenal. So that's what the only thing I could think of was maybe they didn't even really see her. Maybe they didn't see her and they just gave her one star as well. Maybe people don't like having fingers in their butt. So that's why they were like, they didn't like because you don't see sphincter specials because things are going well. You got to bring a problem with your sphincters. Right, right. And maybe they didn't have enough. I wanted a fist. They right, yeah. She she said she did say you've got an outer sphincter that you can control and an inner sphincter, and apparently I've got a weak inner sphincter. And that's where it's okay. I can work on it. I can work on it, but now I have now I've got a direction to go in. I got a direction to But well, how do you how do you strengthen your inner rectal what's it sphincter? Oh my god, you look like it. My sphincter! Do it again! No, please. I don't know what I was doing. Oh, I that's the first that's why I don't get hit on because people go, I was about to hit on you, but then you reminded me of a sphincter. And I go, Yeah. A tight one. A tight sphincter. Yeah. So she, well, actually, I think it's not tight, is part of the problem. And one of the things they can do is like Botox on it to like help it like get. I don't fucking know. I don't know. I'm obsessed with this. I started taking these pills she told me to take, and it's like fixed it, which is amazing. Your inner sphincter? It's helped by like 97%. Has she fingered your ass since? No. That looked like a lot of things. She wanted that. I should go back. She's still doing the eye thing. Just if you got any room with the schedule. She does the thing, she puts her fingers in, and then she does like a scoop. She's trying to feel if there's any. What? I know. And I'm not someone, that's not something. I had one person do butt stuff to me once, like out of college, but that's not something that I like like or seek out. You know what I mean? Yeah. Especially because I have so many dark associations with my butt because I have all these gastrointestinal problems. Yeah, I get that. I mean it's not a happy place. Yeah, it's not good. But you've done it to other people. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. Not recently, because about four years ago I was doing it to my girlfriend, and I just went a little hard, and and uh I hurt her. Really? She went, ow. And then I've never done it again since then. That is very upsetting. Like I would freaking. I felt terrible. Because we were like really in the heat of the moment. We were doing it all the time. And there was like I did something when she was like, ow, too much. And then like I did like one more like thrust, I guess it would be called, and then I stopped, but I didn't like that I did the one more thrust, but my hand was already moving when she said, ow, and I just felt so bad that I said, I'm never doing it again. And she was like, Emma, no. She was like, I I want to do that again. She was like, We just that one time that hurt a little with the angle we were at, but for some reason I just can't do it now. I'm I'm I'm I'm done with butt stuff, I guess. Yeah. I mean, you could use beads. So I have very little experience with that. Yeah. Those are good if you take your grandmother's beads, like an old necklace, okay, and just shove it in, you take it. Is your grandmother still alive? I love that you just asked me that. Not because I'm trying to suss up some beads. I mean, I don't know. Because if you get her on the phone, if I could borrow some. No, they're all inside of me. Yeah. I got the shit jewelry. She had fucking jewelry. Did they give it to you because they thought that you wouldn't want it because you're like more masculine? Yes. I had to. First of all, I my cousin is the oldest, then my sister, and then me. So by the time it got to me, I got like a fucking brass ladle and a piece of turquoise. That's why they did diamonds up the ass. See, that's crazy. I know. I I was resentful about it. Sure. So it wasn't that they were like, oh, Jessica won't want it. I think it was a tomboy. Right. So that happened. Yeah. They said they were like, I had these cousins and they were all having like getting diamonds. They go, Oh, we we know you don't wear earrings, so we thought you wouldn't want them. I go, I want money. I want to sell them.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:26

So I could make them into something else, or give them to my child. Like it's 100%.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:31

Yeah. I had that with like a diamond thing, and then uh they go, Well, you didn't think you would wear a pearl necklace. I said, I'll start. Are you kidding me? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I've the exact same thing. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Um, but she fixed my problems. And my girlfriend asked me this afterwards because I called her right away. I said, Oh my god. I said, the sphincter specialist was like beautiful and it made me uncomfortable. And I said, and and then she ended up putting her fingers in my butt, and my girlfriend goes, Did you bend over? No, you don't bend over at the speed. You don't? No. What do you stand up? No, you just kind of roll. Have you ever had a um the thing where they put the flute water in you and then like drain it out to get the poop out of your gut? Have you ever done that one? Yeah, I think so. What do you mean? But not at the doctor. The uh, what's it called? Where they like put the liquid in. You do it at like a med spa? You would not know, I don't know what it's called. I I've had that. What? It's an enema, but it's like one you pay for at the at like a med spa. But I think it is called an enema. Yeah, it's like you can do a coffee enema. It is a enema about all that stuff. Yeah. You would yeah, so I've done I've done like a few of those. So you like get on your side and get into like a fetal position.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:43

Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:44

Yeah. Exactly. It did feel a little therapeutic, actually. If I'm but it wasn't like exciting sexually. But I but I did, I was confused because I thought maybe we were flirting. And then my girlfriend was like, Why again did you think you were flirting? She asked me my when she asked me what your sign was. She didn't ask that then. Yeah, she was like, Are you an Aquarius? She actually asked me the worst question when she was doing inside bat because she goes, Okay. Do you like your father? Like what kind of She said, She said, Have you been in anything I would have seen? Oh my god. I said I was on some I was uh on the TV show um a crazy ex-girlfriend and I did foul on a couple late night a couple times. And she was like, Oh, okay. I know she was on her ass asking you a few minutes. She did the swoop, and then she was like, so because she I had mentioned that I travel out of the time. Maybe because of sweeps, like the TV. Maybe oh yeah, she goes, Sweep, did you do the sweeps?

SPEAKER_05 1:16:42

Did you do the sweep?

SPEAKER_04 1:16:45

Yeah. So she did ask that, and I was like, uh, but she was so communicative because she was like, I'm touching your left butt cheek and I'm touching your right butt cheek before she like opened them to go in. And I told her, I said, I'm dyslexic. I was like, so if I get it wrong, it's because of that, and then I got it right, thank God. But I felt a prolonged eye contact when she said, So she was like, You were born, your pronouns are she, her, and I said, She, her is fine. And she and she goes, and you were born female, and I said, Yeah, but the way she asked that, I thought it was like a little flirty. Yeah, no, that probably thank you. Yeah. I have a hard time reading when people flirt too, but it felt like she said, and you were born she her, and then she really like looked into my eyes, and I was like, Yes. But she like, and you're born she, her, and then she was like, That's what I felt. That's what I felt, and so I thought we flirted a little bit. So I think that was the last time I was flirted with. I that's great. I think if you want to get flirted with somewhere, it should be at a freaking sphincter specialist. You should go. Everyone should get checked out for as many things as they can get checked out for. Yeah. Are you good about going to the doctor? Yeah, I've gotten better. Yes. Very now I go almost like impulsively, but like if there's anything even slightly I mean, it's like because I've been getting sick all the time. So I'm like, what's going on?

SPEAKER_01 1:17:52

No, you have to. It's also you you gotta start going. Like when you're not 20. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah. I I'm so glad that we ended on the sphincter. Me too, me too, me too, because it just brings everything together.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:03

I feel better. I feel so much happier than when I walked in the room. So that's why I thank you for that. Yeah. I love you. I appreciate it. I love you too. I appreciate it. I'm so and I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy. You and you know, everyone's happy for you. That's so because you go and people will go, oh, good for Jessica. You know what I mean? Like, good, she deserves that. Like you work so hard. Yeah. I remember doing this festival not even that long ago, and we were both on this like late night bar show. And it was like a festival where it's like, you know, doing lots of spots, lots of spots. And it was a late night bar show, and there weren't a lot of people at it, and everyone was kind of mailing it in. And my girlfriend was at the show, and she goes, and the audience was tight. And she was like, You came out at the end, and she was like, you know, everyone was lower energy because it was late and there weren't brand people. She goes, She goes, Jessica, turn them around. She goes, and I was like, What was the point? And she goes that she did that, like got him, and she goes, Because she put her back into it. She was like, She performed. Yeah. And I was like, That's so like, yeah, like there were even though there's 12 people, we've been running around all night, we're getting like a it's not an audience there to see us. We're just doing showcase spots, like this wasn't even this was probably like seven years ago. Boston? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And she was like, she was like, everyone was kind of lower energy, and she was like, she was like, Jessica, you know, you were like saying, saying, and they were so low energy, so low energy, and then she was like, instead of kind of like going into their vibe, Jessica just whooped. Yeah, but you do that too. Yeah, you gotta do that. You gotta try. I think a lot of New York comics like that. Because we're like, all right, let's steer this. You're you're brilliant. I appreciate it. Thank you. So I mean, like and now that my sphincter's fixed, I'm unstoppable. I know. This is my year. I mean, maybe you should do a special, like the sphincter special, you know. Yeah, and I yeah, yeah. You can, you can just talk about it. It's getting stuff out there. I have such a um fear of putting like longer form stuff out there, not in podcast format, but in stand-up format. So I just gotta get over that and start putting more stuff out there.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:52

Yeah, I I think you're amazing. I always have. I watch your stuff, I don't watch a lot of people's stuff. I appreciate it. I appreciate you.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:00

I love who you are. I love being friends with you. Likewise. Um we don't speak, I don't speak to anyone that much because it's life. I know. Life is insane. And you look amazing. Thank you. So do you. Thank you. Thank you. Um, and everyone, well, first tell people where they can find you. Emma Wilman on Instagram. You can catch me at the Sphincter Doctor. If you go into NYU Lango, and I'll be in that I'll be in the lobby waiting for Isabella. Um, no, I am a it's Emma Wilman and I'm on tour again. I don't know when this will come out, but I'll be on tour a bunch in the fall and blah blah blah. And where did they go to see your schedule? Um, I am Emma Wilman.com. Thank you so much. I am well Emmacom. I am Emma Wilman.com. If you go to my Instagram, then I'll like post it all over that Facebook, YouTube, and I've I've got a podcast called GadyHD, which I would love to have you on as well. I would love to do it. Just started doing it. So fun. Oh, cool. All right, I love that. I'm both so perfect. All right, love you, thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 1:20:49

Please help me.