The Jessica Kirson Show
The Jessica Kirson Show is a weekly comedy podcast released every Tuesday featuring hilarious conversations, storytelling, improv, and chaos with some of the funniest women in comedy and entertainment. Hosted by Jessica Kirson, the show spotlights female comedians, creators, and personalities through unfiltered, laugh-out-loud discussions and absurd fun.
The Jessica Kirson Show
Keep It On the D.L. w/ Maddy Smith
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Jessica welcomes comedian Maddy Smith for a hilarious conversation about binge eating, bladder issues, standing out in the crowded world of stand-up, and starting comedy in...Afghanistan? Maddy gets candid about who they cast in Wild n' Out, finding your comedic identity, and the lengths comedians will go to make a name for themselves. This episode is a must listen!
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I keep my family on the DL as well. I'm like, so my mom has a UTI. I go, mom, you're disgusting.
SPEAKER_02You're like, my dad sh himself a lot. Yeah. And he's quiet. Yeah, and he's and he's gay. But you know, total total f yeah. I love it. The Jessica Custom Show. I don't feel guys. I'm so excited for today's podcast. You're not gonna believe this. I have Kevin Hart here.
SPEAKER_01Hey, Jessica, no, thank you so much. Oh, you sound exactly like him. Yeah, man, me, and I'm just trying to do my thing out here. I'm so happy to be on your podcast.
SPEAKER_02By the way, Maddie Smith is about is Maddie Smith is allowed to do that because you were on Wild and Out. For are you still on Wild and Out? I'm still on it.
SPEAKER_01I didn't know if it was still It's been a while since we filmed. We kind of film on an on-call basis.
SPEAKER_02Really?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. That's hard. They're like, it'll be like, hey, block off August, blah, blah, blah, to August 30th, because we're we're about to film. And you find out like two months before.
SPEAKER_02Well, okay, so you if you have gigs and stuff like that, you just have to cancel everything. Yeah. But they're pretty flexible.
SPEAKER_01Like if I'm like, hey, I have to leave for this weekend during the season. Right. They're pretty flexible. Yeah. Once you do enough seasons.
SPEAKER_02I know. How many seasons has it been? Seven. Wow. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So you don't really you kind of go in and say, hey, I'll be there, but I'm I'm gonna miss these days. First season, you're like, oh you're like, I'll be in everyone on the kids, please like me. Um Yeah. But I I I also I agree, I think I get a pass. Yeah. To do any function, you do you do get a pass.
SPEAKER_02I say that about when I talk about gay men. Like I say the word f it and gay men die, but there's always and they're like, you're in the family, you can say whatever you want. Yes, but there's always some comments like um, you're not allowed to say that word, and it makes people hate gay. I'm like, they hate us anyway. Like I know the older people, you know.
SPEAKER_01I know. I don't think you saying that is really adding to the flame. Are you were you afraid to just say it?
SPEAKER_02You just said that you're saying because you're not gay.
SPEAKER_01I know. Right. Yeah, if you said another word, yeah, I'd be flying it. Right, right.
SPEAKER_02Let's say you can say it. Should I? Yeah, I'm giving you the permission. No. No, the fing one.
SPEAKER_01Oh, the fing one. Oh. You know what I mean? We're all here. It's all part of the party. It's a great word to be. No, no, no, no, no, no. You can say dyke, but don't say I know. Yeah. Don't put those letters. No, no. You can say Mike. Mike. Yeah. Mike. Go for a hike. I had a baby. She's a little tight. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02What kind of coffee do you want?
SPEAKER_01Pike, place. Yes, but not.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. That's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know I had a roast joke once that I was gonna say about someone that was huh instead of it was a Jewish Elon Altman. This was back in the day when you first started roasting. And I asked someone if it's okay to say honey. I I think I said honey, I shrunk the but I didn't say it. I ran it by someone and they were like, definitely don't. And that's when I learned. You learn through a roast battle, like what words are okay and when people are like, definitely don't do that. Right.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um so how'd you get into stand up? No, I'm joking. LOL, lol. We were just saying that we hate when people do that on podcasts. You know, backstory. Yeah. Well, I had a hard childhood and I realized that uh being funny got me friends.
SPEAKER_01It's funny. And you started here or you started in Oh, you started here. Yeah. I started.
SPEAKER_02I started in Afghanistan. I did a lot of open mics in Afghanistan.
SPEAKER_01It's a really tough scene to get your footing in. Yeah. A lot of people start somewhere else and then they end up in Afghanistan.
SPEAKER_02Right. That's very true. Because I was asked, um, I was asked to if I wanted to go to Pakistan for the rest of my career and do stand-up. And I was like, a part of me was like, you know what? I mean, I know this people might get upset, but this is really true. I I kind of have always worn an outfit like a burqa.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02I've tried to cover myself completely. I totally get the stuff. It's not that I'm I I I'm disturbed by a burqa, and I get it. Like it's I'm not, I don't judge it, but it's and then I'm like, it is great. Because not only can you cover yourself, but you can hide things under it. Absolutely. Oh, yeah, you can bring it up. Like a bag of chips. Like no one would ever gun a bake zD, like on a full tray. Yeah. On stage. Give people the finger. You can do whatever. Exactly. Yeah. You have little kids in there. Yeah. And maybe I would get like a huge deal if I just became like that comic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Huge. Huge.
SPEAKER_01Right. You and a perka? Game over. Yeah. Comedy Central. Everything. Whatever they are. Yeah. Animal Planet. Animal Planet. Yeah. Discovery Channel. All of them.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Oh, you're a cultural icon. I think I'm gonna do it. Yeah. Yeah. I would recommend. Um, so I love you on the show, Wild and Out. Uh most people have seen it, but if you haven't, you need to watch. It's so great. Check it out. It's really hard.
SPEAKER_01It's kind of like old school roasting.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. And it's brilliant. Yeah. A lot of people can go up in flames. Are there there's like I haven't watched it recently. Are there like is there another is there a white guy that does it?
SPEAKER_01Are there other they kind of float in white guys every couple seasons to see who's a good fit.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I love this because it's normally the other way around.
SPEAKER_01So this is like the white guys on that show are the least in power. Right. And they have the least staying power. And if it's like if they flub it up, they're out. Right. They're quick to get rid of a white guy. And I think a white girl probably before me. I think I was one of the first white gals to, you know. A lot of people get on their I've seen this happen with a lot of white guys who get on Wild Now. They're in, you know, the auditions, oh, we like him. He's good, he's perfect white guy. And then he gets in the wardrobe, he starts putting on chains. He comes out, big sneakers. Really? Yeah, that doesn't get like a lot of. Right. And then he also tried, of course, similar to white guys in stand-up, how can I push it to how can I push the envelope? I really want to say this. I want to say this edgy thing. Right. They probably want to say a shitload of stuff. They're like, Yeah, they're white knocking. So really being careful. So similar to a young stand-up wanting to, he saw Louis C.K. say the N-word on stage, so now he wants to be able to do that. Yeah, I know.
SPEAKER_02I know. Do you have any opinion on these like podcasts? I haven't talked to one person about this, but I'm I just feel like asking you. But do you have any opinion on all these podcasters that like, you know, were very supportive of the administration and getting him elected and all of that?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's like, what Trump was definitely on not on my podcast guest list of people to book.
SPEAKER_02I've asked him a lot of times, but he's not in New York often. And he doesn't come here that much. He doesn't probably would be dying to do it. I know. Well, a lot of people told me that before um Lindsey Graham passed, uh Rest in power. Rest in power, you know. I'll pray for your family. I'll pray for him and pray for everyone. Yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah. And his lover, Mitch McConnell. So I'm obsessed.
SPEAKER_01That's why Mitch is in the hospital. He's heartbroken.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and he's sore. So um, yeah, I I really I think Trump will come in because I really feel like he needs support right now.
SPEAKER_01Him with you would be the perfect combo.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And you guys could probably have a great conversation. I think you could get a lot out of him.
SPEAKER_02Me too. So, yeah, and now a lot of them are saying, as people know, that they regret that decision to know they're like, I don't know. I didn't know he was gonna be like that. I yeah. It's amazing. It's like saying you didn't know Richard Simmons was gonna like dance and wear a title.
SPEAKER_01I I didn't no, I didn't know Bob Ross was gonna paint. Yeah. What the heck is going on?
SPEAKER_02We're talking about Richard Simmons and Bob Ross because they have the same hair.
SPEAKER_01I can well it made me think of it, and then I'm like, just say something. Yeah, now that yeah, now they're all regretting it. It's it's weird. I know. I think at the end of the day, everyone just wants numbers. That's why we're in a towel hole right now. Because all art revolves around numbers.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I I'm gonna support like the really good people who have integrity and I'm gonna have no numbers. Yeah, same for for this. It's a story of my life. Yeah. It's a story of my life. I know. It's really if you're an asshole and you like do the quote unquote like wrong thing in in the industry's eyes and in your fans, you really um end up making millions and millions of dollars. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01If you're kind of like have like a billionaire mindset where you're like, fuck them, I'm rising to the top. Yeah, that's what I think a lot of people have is like, fuck them, I'm up here. Right, but there's no end to up here.
SPEAKER_02That's the thing. Yeah. Like I know you know famous people too. There's no, it's none of it will fill the hole.
SPEAKER_01More. More.
SPEAKER_02I know it's really incredible. I know, it's crazy. A lot of people don't realize that. That's not true. The insecurity that so many performers feel, actors, comics, um, it's like no matter how much I when people clap and stand up, I always say this. I say what no matter what you're doing, it's never gonna fill the hole.
SPEAKER_01Agreed. Ever. Agreed. And every day the adrenaline and the joy from a great show gets smaller and smaller. I know, that's how I feel. Yeah, when you first started, you're like, two weeks later, you're still like, wow, that was a great I know. Now it's like one second, then you're like, all right, what's next? Yeah, what what drug can I take?
SPEAKER_02Um Yeah, we talked about depression when you came in. Well, it was very negative. What did we say? I don't even remember.
SPEAKER_01I know, yeah. I I came in, you're like, are you okay with mental health, depression, talk because I hate myself. And I said, I'm okay with that, I hate myself too. I hate myself. I'm hot, my clothes are sticking to me. Yeah, you're having a very big reaction.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna keep pulling my shirt because it makes me look like a size four. Um but yeah, you were having a very big reaction to the heat.
SPEAKER_01Yes, the heat, it's sticky. Some more, you know, some more. I don't know if you have this. Either I I wake up in the morning and I don't have to look at myself. I go, I feel hot, or I feel ugly. There's no in between. There's literally no in between. I open my eyes and I go, ugly. Ugly, it's an ugly day. It's an ugly day, and there's no fixing it. And then of course your friends, oh you look normal in this photo. No, I don't. I can tell. I know.
SPEAKER_02Why how do people wake up and feel good about themselves?
SPEAKER_01I don't know. Every so often I go, oh my god, I actually feel I actually feel okay. But that's every so often. Yeah, like once a year or something.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. Every so often. When you look in the is that coming from a place like we were talking, you know, about childhood and stuff? Like mine is very clear where it comes from.
SPEAKER_01I think mine is internalized. So I never had anyone who's like mean to me in my childhood. Like outward, you're ugly, you're fat. My mom talked a lot about her body growing up. Yeah. So, you know, I need to lose 50 pounds, always on a diet, always getting a cancer. Then you internalize it. Yeah. So then you just feel no, no one's telling me I'm, you know, attractive or whatever. So you're like, oh, I must be fat and ugly. If my mom thinks she's fat and ugly. And she seems normal to me. And I look exactly like her. Exactly. In a second, I have all your genes. Yeah. And then, you know, college, I dealt with a ton of ups and downs and weight, a lot of up and down weight. And then I put on a ton of weight. So first, you know, half of my twenties, I was heavier.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01And then a lot of that. And now I think a lot of it is down to regular size, but this internalized body dysmorphic.
SPEAKER_02I know, I have it too. I mean, I was just talking to my partner Sarah about this last night. It's so interesting. I was like, when because I was enormous. And like when people get upset about that, I'm like, I don't know why you're upset, because like I'm okay. Like I don't I don't even think about how heavy I was. I really don't. I don't, yeah. Because at some point I looked in the mirror and I was like, oh my God, I'm huge. Like I didn't realize how big I was. I've also been in a in like in a space where I didn't realize how thin I was.
SPEAKER_01That too. I know. Same thing. And you don't even realize even like this past year, I like kind of dipped a little too I dipped too low. I think you're looking back and you're like, holy shit, what the hell has happened in September? Right. Maddie, are you good? Yeah. And I didn't even realize it at the time. And then looking at photos of myself from when I was, you know, upward of 200 pounds, I'm like, holy shit. Yeah, I know. It's so weird. And the mirror can tell you one thing, and then you make fun of yourself, and then people, Maddie, come on. I hate when people do that too. I don't give a fuck. I don't like that person.
SPEAKER_02You're they're like, you know, yeah, they're like, you look so much better. Why are you talking about weight? I'm like, because I'm a fucking food addict and I have my entire life I've dealt with. Yep, and every day's a struggle.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Every day's a struggle. And night eating for me was the hardest thing. Yeah. Yeah. Binge eating at night. Well, we're common. It's very hard. I know. Yeah. And it's also I also realized for me, it was like, it was the only time because if I binge eat in the morning, then I have the rest of the day to deal with that. But if you do it at night, you can sleep on it. So you can stuff your face and it's like a safe way to stuff your face and like sleep on it. Right. Because you black out, and then in the morning you're like, oh, I had vegetables last night. And you don't even realize what happened. So I didn't finish the whole thing. Right. I've only had one serving. Yeah. Throw it away, get rid of the evidence.
SPEAKER_02I did that with Skinny Pop last night. That is very dangerous. I know. First of all, it's five servings, and the bag is the size of like a little bean bag. I know. And I was like, oh, I'll just have one so I had like seven bags of it. Whole bag. Yeah. Seven bags of it. There was popcorn on the floor. I mean, I am disgusted. Oh, me too.
SPEAKER_01Chin, like all over me. Do you ever eat with your hands? Yes.
SPEAKER_02Me too.
SPEAKER_01What do you mean? Like delivery comes and there's no utensils? Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Or I'm at a fancy dinner and I just fucking take my fist and put it in.
SPEAKER_01Who cares? Yeah. Yep. Steak steak won't ride serve and turf at a wedding. Washer won't rip apart. Put in right in my hands. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. The entire family eats like uh when we have a whole chicken, everyone has a fucking body part that they're gnawing on. So it's the most disgusting. Look at cavemen. Cay people.
SPEAKER_01That would work for you if you start wearing a burqa. A lot of those people just eat with their hands. Oh, that's true. So it adds to you know, you ever see Instagram videos of like an Indian place?
SPEAKER_02I went to an Indian place and ate with my hands. It was amazing. I was basically laying on the floor. Yeah. There was a whole thing you could turn it around and you just fucking grab food and shove it in your mouth. Stuff it. And you're it's like it's really incredible. Dream come true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna get one of those for my house. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. For my kids and just keep turning it around.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like all the little lazy Susan, turn it around.
SPEAKER_02I wonder why it's called lazy Susan. I know, I don't think. Do you think there was a Susan that was lazy? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I th and then I think maybe your maybe her husband said, Susan.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Come on. You're so lazy. Give me the stuff. I wish you would spin around and have multiple options of spices on you. Yeah. Spices.
SPEAKER_02I know. So do you you said that no one was really like mean to you? So do you feel like you had like a good child?
SPEAKER_01I mean, I know that's so it was like it wasn't there's no hour that it was um my parents are funny people, they're funny individuals, but there was um a lack of, I would say, warmth, nurturing. I know it sounds a goo-goo-ga-ga, but it was more just a little bit. No, it doesn't you know how many people relate to that? Yeah, four roommates living together. Really? Yeah, brother or sister? One sister, four years older. Parents are how would you say my mom's a deadhead, she's a grateful dead fan. Really?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I went I went to dead a ton of deadheads. Oh, yeah. I walk I went for like the experience in the parking lot before it. I used to take like those balloons and just suck them in and do mushrooms.
SPEAKER_01Suck them in, have a good time. Yeah. Start drugs.
SPEAKER_02I would just be at the concert.
SPEAKER_01I know. I know. Wonder I'm fucking high on drugs. You're like, this music's great.
SPEAKER_02I love that your mom. I know it sucks, but you're like, this is amazing because you're on crystal meth. Exactly. So your mom, and that's so interesting to me that she's a dad had big, like um, she's a big like grass is greener if I do this.
SPEAKER_01So we were moving a lot. We moved a lot. She was always like, That's why she's always trying to get my dad get take this job. My dad worked in like freight transportation. Yeah. Operating, telling truck drivers when to come back and blah, blah, blah. So she's like, we gotta move to Virginia, we gotta move here. Oh, wow. Give more money. Then she left his ass when we moved back to Buffalo. Oh, Jesus. Right. So then now she's even still moved since then. She's always moving. She's had a ton of boyfriends since my dad. So it's this like uh sort of like uprooting. So I never really had a strong identity. I get that. But I always knew, like, oh, if I can make people laugh, or if in my head I can make like kind of come up with jokes while I know like these people suck, but I'm making jokes in my head. Yeah. I had like an isolating.
SPEAKER_02Well, it's it's actually a very interesting like defense mechanism and way to like heal yourself through a lot of chaos. Because that's chaotic to move your children.
SPEAKER_01It's chaotic.
SPEAKER_02Like I can't imagine moving my children all the time. Chaotic.
SPEAKER_01My sister had two years left in high school when we moved her the last time. That's so then she ended up with insane like anxiety. Yeah. She's like super smart, but she always like never could find her footing. Cuckoo.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And dad, uh what kind of personality? Yeah, that's why he moved everywhere. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Kind of passive. Yeah. She was the one click, clack, click, clack. Yeah. You know, that's her that's her heels. Getting home from work. I hate my.
SPEAKER_02Does she wear heels?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, she was always in like hospital administration, like HR. So she came home, click, clack, click, clack. She always had to pee. I know. She always had like a phone.
SPEAKER_02Oh my God, that's so funny.
SPEAKER_01She would always like pick me up from school, she would pee in the school, like, you know, not in this, but you know, click-clack-click-clack.
SPEAKER_02Mom, mom runs in, click, clack, click, clack, and then.
SPEAKER_01I don't know. I I have urethra issues as well. So I think it's some sort of bladder issue. Really? You know, had a couple kids, always had bladder issues.
SPEAKER_02Really? Did she ever pee in her pants like in like when you were out somewhere?
SPEAKER_01She never peeed in her pants, but you know, she's always had to be a little bit of a phone.
SPEAKER_02She's always had panty liners. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Really? I love that.
SPEAKER_00Oh my goddamn.
SPEAKER_01You're talking about like you don't talk about your kids. I'm like, I keep my family on the DL as well. I'm like, so my mom has a UTI. I go, mom, you're disgusting.
SPEAKER_02You're like, my dad shits himself a lot. And he's quiet. Yeah, and he's and he's gay, but total, total f yeah.
SPEAKER_01I love it. My dad was quiet. My dad was my dad's dad was depressed, bipolar. So my dad and my mom took care of my grandpa before he really hard killed himself. He killed himself. He did. So and that's only to color my childhood, is that my dad, because it was two years before I was born. That's when I was like, so my dad was like kind of quiet.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It was kind of quiet. They took care of him before we had like a my dad was one of twelve. Wow. Yes. Huge dairy farm, Irish family. Interesting. In Buffalo, like kind of suburbs of Buffalo. Yeah. Or like you know, agri rural of Buffalo. And very um avoidant of, oh, we don't wanna we don't want to take care of dad. So my dad and my mom were the ones to like be adults and step in. The guy's dealing with mental health stuff. We gotta go visit him. We gotta go. I don't understand we don't care take care.
SPEAKER_02Like they still won't talk about like what like they were like, it makes me too sad. You know what I mean? Oh, because too sad is different than he was not easy and hard on his own.
SPEAKER_01No, it was more like, I don't know.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so it's about them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It was like if he had if he had hurt his knee, they would be there right away. Right. But because it was mental health in the 80s.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's so interesting how some siblings can just not participate. I was just talking to a friend about that. She takes care of her mother as Alzheimer's really bad. And her siblings won't do anything. They won't help. They live right there. Insane. I'm like, how do you do that? It blows my mind. I don't understand. I don't get it either. I don't know if you have a lot of siblings. I have an older sister and then I have steps and two halves. But even with like my steps, like everyone would just catch in.
SPEAKER_01And maybe when you get more siblings. Yeah. Because I think maybe if you're one of twelve, it's easier to back out because you're like, well, someone else will do it. Right. And then if all eleven of them do that except my dad. That's crazy.
SPEAKER_02Crazy.
SPEAKER_01So did they was it a surprise when he took his life or it was by then he was everyone was watching him because he had been in and out of the hospital for stuff and on medication and kind of catatonic by that point. And it wasn't a surprise, but it's still a surprise.
SPEAKER_02Of course. I mean, you you know that it's a possibility, but you never um think that's gonna happen. Yeah. And it probably shaped everything in your life with within the city. I think so.
SPEAKER_01And with you don't realize that till you're an adult and your family starts, your parents start talking to you about that day and the leading up to that day and where they were in their lives, and and then you go, oh, okay, now I see why things were a little quiet in the 90s.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and your dad was uh young. He must have been what, 20? 32, you know, you know, 30 to 33. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think that depression like so do you think the bipolar stuff runs in your family at all?
SPEAKER_01My dad has a brother who Only one out of the twelve is c definitely bipolar. Yeah. Everyone else is more, I would say, carrying depression or anxiety. But there's no, there's not like everyone else is. It's just my dad's brother, Greg, who's been in and out of he'll be like in LA for 10 years. Yeah, he's gay. He's gay. Yeah. I said it was why he's gonna be like, yeah. He's gay, so he's like living with the old man now, and we never know what's going on with him.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think my dad was bipolar for sure. Yeah. But he was like, at what point like he was in his seven what are you gonna like go get medication? What are you gonna take him to take him to the psychologist? Yeah, and he'll be like, I was an only child, and that was hard. I mean, it's just but it Yeah. It's very interesting because people did but you're talking about the eighties and nineties.
SPEAKER_01Like it wasn't like everyone had was open about Or you can go on TikTok and get advice from a therapist and I know now it's t now it's like one of our one of his twelve kids would have been in uh mental health. Yeah. You know, like he would have had someone in his family who's got a reference to someone who could have helped him. Yeah. Back then it's like, what's wrong with you, Dad? Right. And dairy farmer, it's such like uh there's so much mental health in farming and dairy farming too, because your uh income is tied to a government price point. Right. There's no control over it. That's then people start drinking soy milk. You're fucked.
SPEAKER_02You're screwed. Yeah, I it's real that's an interesting like business. It really is. Um did you ever tip cows? Never. Oh god, I have. That when I was like a deadhead, yeah. They're not they don't get hurt. I know, but they do fall over, right? I I think they fall over gently. Can you look into it? Because I I don't I'm gonna say it's gentle because I'm I'll die if I because I was like 17. Right. I think it's gentle. I don't think like I did a body dive into a cow, but I I I do think I didn't I did it once. I just I and I really hope that a lot of you write in and uh are really hostile and judge me and try to cancel me, you know, for tipping a cow.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, cancel I've got to do that. Yeah, I didn't put it on, I gave it a tip.
SPEAKER_02Like if you go get a drink at a bar, I gave the cow a tip.
SPEAKER_01But yes, we were ti cow tipping, we gave him 20%.
SPEAKER_02Do you think that you deal more with depression or anxiety? Like anxiety. Yeah, a lot of comics, it's like depression.
SPEAKER_01You know, you look back and I was never someone who's like, oh, I had a six months where I just couldn't get up. Yeah. It's more this over like hard on yourself type of vibe, which I think is more anxiety. Yeah. Because it's like a prep for the future. I have like this anxiety of like, I don't want to end up looking dumb. So I always am looking for hints as to why I shouldn't be doing stand-up comedy or why I shouldn't be uh having a career in the arts. Little comments. I'm looking for comments that agree with how I feel about myself. I know. Not as much anymore over the past few years it's been. But when you don't when you're not like mindful and you wake up one day and you realize, wow, I've been like screaming at myself mentally for the past eight years.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's really, it's really hard. I I know there are people that don't experience that. They know really don't. Fascinating. It's fascinating because I I have to consciously, when I'm doing that negative talk, be like, Jessica, you're doing you're doing that. But it's very self-destructive. It's like agreed. Yeah, it is debilitating. Yeah, there's been points in my life where I was so angry at myself and so filled with self-hatred that I just I didn't do it. But I wanted to like rip my skin off. Like I was so disgusted with myself. Same. I'm so hard on myself too. It's really bad. It's like 10 military dads in my head.
SPEAKER_01Such an interesting way. You're gonna lie around all day. Look at what these other guys are doing. That's so you could be them, but you're not them.
SPEAKER_02Like, I feel the same way. Yes. But that didn't come from any because I grew up with a little of that. Right.
SPEAKER_01It was more well, I guess like my mom was well, it was like 90s. I guess my mom was, to me and my sister, was pretty hard. My mom was get up, slugs. You guys are slugs, you girls are slugs, you don't do anything. Yeah, I know. Even though me and my sister are super smart and we're like really pretty good kids.
SPEAKER_02Right. So I had that too. Yeah. I I really did. I I've told this story before, but my my uh I did my Comedy Central special and I did two shows, as you some of you don't know. Like we we filmed two shows and then take whatever. And my dad came and I the first show was it was good, but the second show was insane. And I never say I do well. Like I'm and I know you're the same way. I'm never like I killed, I'm a mate, like some of these comics. I'm like, what? It's either you're no one was even smiling.
SPEAKER_01No, I know. I'm like, how are you fine with continuing to do this? I how but those people go far a lot. I know. And they're really doing love doing it. I know obsessed. And they love they're those are the ones who are good at social media too. Yeah, yeah. They hack the internet. I know. I know it's really unbelievable. Yeah. Those are the ones who post, they're like, I'm so grateful. Like, yeah.
SPEAKER_02I yeah, we're probably thinking of the same people. Yeah. But but yeah, I anyway, I did an amazing show. I was very happy because the first one was like, it was okay. And my dad came up and someone asked him, you know, Jesse did amazing. Don't you think it was great? He goes, Yeah, she was good. She lost steam in the middle. Oh my God. I'll never forget that because I was like, this is why I am so hard on myself. This is why I work so hard. Yep. Yes. And it's actually like helped me in a way, which is a little crazy, where I just never think I'm good enough and have to keep doing more and getting better. That's why. Yeah. But it was unbelievable that he looked at the negative, like maybe one joke that didn't kill.
SPEAKER_01If that made one tag. Right. Made one tag that the decibel was like one one little millimeter lower than the murderous laughter of everything else.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's so isn't that interesting. But that was my whole life.
SPEAKER_01Yep. Been there. My mom was very pressurized about money. How am I gonna make money? Yeah. Very traditional. Like I didn't know being a creative was a job you could do. I didn't know Seinfeld was something you could. It all seemed so far away. Yeah, I know. The idea of doing anything but working in an office where you have benefits, salary. So my mom was very when I graduated college, they didn't pay for any college or anything. All the loans were in me, my name. And when I graduated college, she was like, How are you where's your m- How are you gonna make money? How are you gonna make money? How are you gonna do it? So when I got to New York City, I started doing stand-up while working. I kind of like didn't tell anyone. Yeah. Because I'm like that, my mom's gonna be like, How are you getting paid for this? Right. And when she found out, she was like, How are you getting paid for this? You're like, I'm not. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I will, but I'm not. I know. I was going for a master's in social work to NYU, and I'm like, I said to my parents, I'm gonna do comedy. They're like, What the fuck are you talking about?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02They go, they have no idea. But we had creatives in the family already.
SPEAKER_01My dad was also create, my dad played music and stuff like that. He's so there were some, but it was a very traditional mindset, very uh utilitarian.
SPEAKER_02Yes. Were they like, were was she like find a nice man and get married kind of thing?
SPEAKER_01Less so that more so I don't want to fucking give you every any money ever. So you better like you better never ask me for money. But by the way, I was never gonna ask her for money. If I ran out of money, I was not gonna ask her. Yeah. It was always gonna be keep that hidden from her if I ever needed money. Right. But when you have a parent like that, you're also forced to figure it out.
SPEAKER_02That's very there was a point where my parents were helping me because I was broke doing stand-up. I broke, as you know. And they said to me one day, um, I was like in debt, and they put my dad put all my bills on the floor in my mom's basement. Yeah. And there were just bills everywhere, and he was on his knees, just like, what the fuck is this? You haven't paid your Verizon bills again. Yeah. And my mom's a therapist. So she's like, you really need to start taking more responsibility. And then they both said that day, we are never you're on your own. We'll help you a little here, but like that's it. And it was actually a blessing. Yes, I agree. It really was.
SPEAKER_01It forces you to figure it the fuck out. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. And it's uh yeah, I'm always jealous of these comics who come into the business with like millions of dollars. Like millions.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's a lot easier. But then at the same time, I'm not because you feel so I obviously I'm making fun of the people who are posting about gratitude, but if you're actually been through uh shit and now you're financially fine, you can look around and be like, wow. Yeah, I did that. Yeah, I feel that way. Yeah, yeah. Looking at your apartment or where you live, uh product sneakers, you go, wow.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you just have to like I think we do have to have moments of even if you deal with so much self-hatred and negative talk, I the one thing that's helped me, honestly, more than anything, is gratitude. I have to I every day I'm like, okay, you have this, this is happening, these people are going through this, and you know, it's I agree. You know, my daughter, I you probably don't know this, but my daughter has a very bad heart condition, my 10 and a half year old. Yeah. Um, my daughter has had four open hearts, three open heart surgeries and a stent. She's 10 and a half. Wow. So from when she was born, she was born like that. And um, and I'm open about it and talk about it because people always send me messages like, thank you so much for talking about this. My child has this. And people are like, that's horrible. How do you even? I'm like, you know what? I sit at the children's hospital and look around and I'm like grateful. Yeah. I'm seriously like, and she still needs more, and it's it's tough. But uh the pe the kids I've seen, and I've been let me tell you something. She was from the second she was born put in a pediatric eye side. Exactly. Yeah. Do you know how many babies died in that pediatric? Like I had to sit there, and people would and this might be uncomfortable for some people to hear, but too bad. Like too bad. It's yeah, yeah, you're not experiencing. If you are, I I'm so sorry. And I I feel for you like uh so much, it's unbelievable. But it's reality. This happens all day and night in children's house and all over the world. And it's like the doctor would come out and talk to sometimes right in front of us, the parents, and be like, I'm sorry, there's nothing. And I'm like, my child's alive. Yeah. And like she's okay, and she functions and she looks beautiful, and she has an incredible doctor. And there's some people whose children are paralyzed their entire lives and can't feed themselves, you know.
SPEAKER_01I know. I know you really have to be like, okay, she's got, she's gotten through four of these, more to come. And she has like experts working with her. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And be and my point in saying all of that is like, if I don't think about what I'm grateful for, it's just negative. Because we don't think positive. Are you agree?
SPEAKER_01Not naturally. No. That's why you have to force in the I'm grateful for the friends in comedy.
SPEAKER_02I'm grateful that my dry skin is getting better.
SPEAKER_01Grateful that the rash is cleared up.
unknownRash.
SPEAKER_01You know, do that. Meditate, stay mindful. Do you meditate? Yeah, I'll do like That's good. I'll do a 10-minute sesh like every day? Not if I'm like, you know, not if everything's cuckoo banini, but if I'm in my, you know, routine of set kind of same routine every morning, I'll throw a 10-minute in there. What's your routine in the morning? Is it like I have to have coffee the second I get up? No, I'm like uh I'll try to wait on the coffee. I'll do like a lemon tea to like clear things out.
SPEAKER_02You do more self-care things out. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02I should do that.
SPEAKER_01Kind of wait on the caffeine, let my brain settle. I'll try to like sit by a window, get some sun. Wow, you're doing good. But some mornings not. I know, but that's how your workflow is too. Right. Like all that goes out the window if like I was in like Montreal last week, and like every night you're smoking weed and blah blah blah.
SPEAKER_02I know that is an exhausting comedy festival.
SPEAKER_01I know, but that but I think that's why you do it leading up to it. So then when you're at it, you can flail about and kind of get rid of it, and then you come back and you reset. Right. So it's also about not being too hard on yourself if you miss a routine.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I mean, this business must be very hard for you, like it is for so many people, because it's so much rejection. So people don't understand that either, what we go through.
SPEAKER_01So much. And it doesn't even mean rejection doesn't even mean they literally said no to you. It also means you see an announcement and you go, Oh, they didn't pick me for that. I I doubt that. It's like it's also not getting picked for something.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's it's uh listen, uh th this'll you'll uh you'll find this interesting and you won't be surprised. But um I've been doing stand-up 27 years this year. I my Hulu special came out two years ago. I can't go there and stay there because it uh there's no rhyme or reason. He's a fester all day. Yeah, exactly. But it just is it's an example of how this has always been for me. And I don't talk about it and complain a lot. I've powered through it and just do what I need to do and work harder. But I was never like a favorite in the industry. It was always comics who always.
SPEAKER_01And then you go, but then you'll talk to an industry person one-on-one and they'll tell you, you're so fucking funny. Yeah, they do. All sorts of that. You know, I've I've had this Netflix guy come out to every single LA show I've done in the past two years. Now basically he's just my friend. There's never there's never gonna be. You know what I mean? It's crushed. You you slayed it out there. You murder I'm like, why did you come all the way out to the Irvine Improv? What are we doing? What is this dance? I know, isn't it amazing?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's not about who's the funniest, clearly. No.
SPEAKER_01No, because we're the funniest motherfuckers in the world. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_02Like for you, me to hear like when people hear me say that about press, they're like, what are you talking about? And it's hard to do that. Why wouldn't these things like that? It's hard to convey. It's very hard because it doesn't make sense. Yes. Um but uh I do think that a lot of people in this industry have a very hard time with very powerful strong women. I I definitely I agree.
SPEAKER_01And I also feel like when you're a woman who just like kills, when you just kill, um, they're they they're like, yeah, she kills, but like what's uh what's the like what's the uh they're like always like what's the angle? What's the angle? What's the story? They really don't know. What's the story and then are you gonna have where's your funny haircut? Where's your funny little haircut and your crazy pants? Where's the I can't I know?
SPEAKER_02So if you go on stage in black shirt and you kill, they go, well, would you see people would say this with me too, but with you, it makes no sense to me. I I and I don't say that a lot, but you really do have it. So it's like what what are we what's happening? It's a it's it's not just that you kill. Like you're marketable, you're brilliant, and you are young. Like, I don't, I don't understand. Right. It's it's ve you know, I think some of them didn't book me because they were afraid of what I'd say. It's like I'm a professional. I've done the tonight show three times. Like, I know what am I gonna do? Come out there and be like, hey faggots, it's great to meet you.
SPEAKER_01Like, what's up, what's up, motherfuckers I'm gonna do the other day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, no, yeah, then you go to sleep thinking, like, am I like too edgy? Like, am I like that's what happens. Yeah. And if so, whatever.
SPEAKER_02But then you're like, I don't think I'm that's it's not that because men, I you know, I everyone can say this, my fans. I'm never like, it's harder for women and men, but yeah, let me tell you something. Men can say whatever the fuck they want and they'll get put on, they can do things and be accused of them and be on every show, right? Agreed. But if they're they're afraid we might say something sexual or might curse, it's like not a lady.
SPEAKER_01Right. And then there's so much like, oh, fill cli comedian who talks about sex, comedian who talks about sex. You can have one bit about sex, and it's uh female comedian that talks about sex. And then the guys, the guys will, you know, drop into dirty and then come out and then talk about their family. They'll assault someone and get booked on every show. Literally, literally, he's not even a Jews. Seems like he's a blue comedian.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. He's like, I was assaulting a woman the other night, and she had the nerve. Yeah. So like, oh my god, I have to get him on the tonight show. He is wonderful. Yeah. He is wonderful. Yeah. Yeah. And if I'm like, I was molested in Fat Camp, they're like, we're not booking her. Oh, Jessica. Yeah, that was your fault. Your clothes were tight.
SPEAKER_01Come on. Um, come on. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird. And then I think like, then I'm like, is it wild and out thing? Is it like, do they think like I'm the white girl in the urban world? It's so all these thoughts you have about like, what the hell? I think it's a good thing. But then you start thinking about, is it my reps? Is it my agent and manager? Yeah. Is it something like that? Yeah. Who are you with? No, I'm joking.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, I uh I really with you, I think a lot of it is that you're just really fucking funny and powerful, and there sometimes they can't they can't they can't this is general for all of our society, it's not just comedians. I think a lot of w women and men are very threatened by a powerful woman. I mean, look what happens in politics. Yep. That's the most in I mean, you're the most seen out there. It's like I've always said they will they will elect anyone before they elect a woman. Anyone they're like, what if the person's Jewish? Yes, before a woman. Yeah. What about a black before a woman? Like bring them on. It is the biggest, you know, people have said to me, what do you think is like the most judgment you get or the first thing you would be judged for? I said, being a woman. Being a woman. I said, I'm gay, I'm Jewish, I'm heavy, I'm serious. Being a woman.
SPEAKER_01Yep, agreed. Because you can see it in our comments. You can see in the comments, oh my god. Sut bitch fucking ran through.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I know. And a lot of women, by the way, can't deal with a powerful woman. I know. And that's the most upsetting to me. I know. It's like, go work on yourself, bitch, because we need to stick together. I beg of you. Yeah. Yeah. Agreed. Yeah. It's very, I think that is what it is with you. Now that that's why I love gay men and I work with a I I'm telling you, because they love powerful women. I'm not, I'm generalizing. I know some of you. No, they love. But a lot of them are like, bring it on the bigger, the louder, the more sexual, the more. And it's like uh they're the best crowd.
SPEAKER_01Yes, I agree. They are. I agree. And it doesn't matter if it's a couple nerdy gays to like the most flamboyant gays ever. They all love it.
SPEAKER_02All of them. Yes. They just don't get offended easily, and they're not they're not afraid of women with power. And it's a beautiful thing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It really is. Um, but I decided many years ago I'm not gonna like lower myself so that I make other people more comfortable. Same.
SPEAKER_01Not gonna lower myself and then also just make your own stuff. Yeah so okay, um, no one's booking me into acting or whatever. Okay, I'll make my own little thing or write my own thing.
SPEAKER_02What what are your like dreams in life, not just career-wise, but what do you think would make you feel like content and kind of at peace in your in the future? Yes, what things are you looking to do?
SPEAKER_01I think like not being beholden to a stand-up schedule that is how the you know, when you start doing the row the past few years, it's just been like, all right, I'll go wherever the dates line up. And not feeling like I have to do this. Like feeling like in a solid place of I'm pick, I'm controlling my schedule. I'm picking my telling button you, I'm going here.
SPEAKER_02That's that will happen for you. 100% I have no doubt in my mind you that will happen with most comics. No. Right. They're still told like when they're 78, they need to go to Nebraska with us.
SPEAKER_01No, just keep getting up. Keep getting up, buddy. And that I think a family, I would like to start a family.
SPEAKER_02That's kind of what I was talking about. So you are looking to get married and have kids.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I don't really care about marriage more, just like I think I want kids. I love that. I love the new attitude. Yes, take it or leave it. You know, I was thinking about like you go to weddings when you're a comedian and you realize, oh, that's the bride's day to be the headliner. Yeah. So I'm like, wedding, take it or leave it. Yeah, the my relationship is not the gonna be the most celebrated part of my life. I know it's just rude.
SPEAKER_02No, it's not really.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there's a million things going on.
SPEAKER_02I mean, yeah, I think a lot of people feel that way. Right. I mean, and a lot of people like are more connected to wanting to have kids, I think, than they are.
SPEAKER_01I think I'm like for kids, I'm like 70, 30, do want, don't want. Yeah. If I end up not having them, it's totally fine. But I think a family where it's my life isn't at a comedy club every night. So there's some sort of control and then it's very important. Yes. My main goal is variety. So like one month I'm here and I'm collabing with someone on this project, and then I'm back here, and it like moves fast because there's so much many different things going on.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think I I've I've always said this like there needs to be balance in your career. Yeah, like I I I'm so grateful that for the time with my kids because they could give a fuck that I'm a comedian. I know. They they literally I'm like, Mama has a show setter, like yeah, can I have Cheetos? Like they could give a shit. So far, I love comedians' kids. I know they're the best. Yeah, they could not give a fuck. They don't care and it actually annoys them because it takes it's I'm away sometimes. So they're like, why when are you retiring? Yeah. When do you and and just as someone who has had family, it just it's like it's completely like yin and yang. It's not you feel like you have a whole different life that isn't involving your art.
SPEAKER_01Yes, totally. Yeah. And you can like think about things a little more balanced and it's not like me, me, me, me, me anymore. Yeah. And you start saying, you probably stop saying feeling like you have to say yes to every single thing because you have a whole family. You you will get to that point.
SPEAKER_02I know. I'm I'm like the the comedy whisperer. Yes, the guy. I really know. I know, I kind of know who's this is gonna I know who's gonna go really far and I know who's not. The second I see them. Yes, the second I watch them on stage and have one conversation, I'm like, this one's gonna be huge and this one's brilliant, but they're never going anywhere. Right.
SPEAKER_01And it'll gotta You know, chill around and do that thing. Yeah. But some people you can tell. I'm like, the you know, you can go I can go to bed, be like, where's this all going? But then I'll also check myself and be like, there's no way in 10 years I'm still like doing this well. And you're still in the city, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You'll be fine. Yeah. Oh my God, time freaking wise. What the hell?
SPEAKER_02Isn't that crazy? Insane. Like it's been 46 minutes. That's crazy. It feels like 20 minutes. I know. I thought we were still in the intros. Well, you'll come back. I mean, if you're available, you'll come back. I'm gonna have the same people come back because I'm not I want people to get to know people and have it be like a community conversation.
SPEAKER_01I love bringing a guest back on my podcast because you're like, there's only so many people I know. In the same way you can tell if someone has like they're gonna go far, and there's also like, you know, who do you vibe with?
SPEAKER_02I said to him, I'm not just having random people on because I have to be able to vibe with them. I agree. I like there's some people I want on, but it's not yeah. Um okay, so I am so grateful that you came on. I've always thought you were amazing, and I don't think about like I don't think that about everything. Everyone, and same trust me.
SPEAKER_01You're someone who like when I started, you know, like when you start, and who's like who are the comedians in the um yeah at the open mics or the new shows talking about? And it was like everyone, I remember people were like, I was at the cellar last night, this comedian Jessica Kirsten, murder. And it was like you, and they were also talking about Tim Dylan at the same time. People were like, Tim Dylan, Jessica Kirsten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a lot more money than he does. Um Tim Dylan's a gay who loves uh uh funny women. Yeah, he loves funny women.
SPEAKER_02That's true. He's it because it's not threatening to him. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01He was like, growing up, I always loved all the fat funny women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He always said that.
SPEAKER_02Yep. So um I'm so glad that you came. I'm so grateful. The time went by so fast, so you're gonna have to come back soon. Come back for part two. Yeah, and I'm gonna do your podcast too. So people should look out for that. But that's what I wanted you to tell them where they can find you and about the podcast.
SPEAKER_01You guys come find me. Uh uh. My podcast is next week. My podcast is called Madhouse, and it's on the Mad House podcast YouTube. My other YouTube is Maddie Smith Comedy, and my special taping is August 27th in Philly. I don't know if this comes out before then, but look out for my special that's probably gonna come out on YouTube because I want to gather all my fans and do the same thing with my crowd work special, and I'll do the same thing. Put it right out this one. Yeah. Give it right to the fans. Yeah. You're what made you do it in Philly? It was just already on my tour list. Yeah, Philly. Told my camera guy, let's rock it there. I love Philly. So good. Great crowds. Great crowds, helium, low ceilings, throw a curtain up. It's gonna be fire. Say the date again so people can go to the August 27th? Yeah. Philly Helium. And you can catch tickets on the Philly Helium website or my website, MaddysmithComedy.com, has that show and then all my other dates. Yeah, you gotta check the body out. Yes.
SPEAKER_02You're you work your ass off. And you're so good. And I adore you. Thank you. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01My shows are probably like yours, just like hootin' and hollering.
SPEAKER_02Yes, it's the same energy.
SPEAKER_01Yep.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Same vibes. Yeah, we're both sad, so it's really funny. So it makes it fun. Um, all right, love you. Thanks for doing that. Thank you so much. Yeah. Please help me.