Welcome to Victim Town — Just Don’t Pitch a Tent Here

Most of us have visited Victim Town. Some of us practically had a timeshare there.

Pain is real. Grief is real. Sometimes life genuinely kicks the absolute shit out of you.

But there comes a point when what happened to you stops being something you’re experiencing… and starts becoming who you are.

In this episode, I talk about the difference between feeling your pain and building your identity around it, why fake positivity is bullshit, and the uncomfortable truth that staying stuck can sometimes feel safer than changing.

I also share how I spent years making excuses in my second marriage, then swung completely the other way after we separated and blamed myself for everything—while holding on to a future that wasn’t actually there.

Until eventually, I had to ask:

Righto… now what?

This isn’t about denying what happened, rushing your grief, or pretending you’re okay. It’s about telling yourself the truth, taking back what you can control, and leaving Victim Town one small decision at a time.

You’re allowed to visit. Just don’t pitch a tent there.

Transcript

Welcome And Who This Is For

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to this Upologetic, the podcast where we get into the nitty-gritty of real life, starting over and figuring out who the hell we are now. No filter, no shame, a little messy, still not done. I'm your face page. If you're a woman over 40 who's ready to embrace the chaos, unpack the bullshit, and navigate the next chapter of your life without pretending you've got it all together, you're in the right place. Let's dive in together.

Visiting Victim Town Versus Living There

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Hey hey, lovely humans. So one of my favorite sayings goes like this. You're allowed to visit Victimtown, just don't pitch a tent there. And honestly, I think every woman listening has at least visited Victimtown. Some of us practically had timeshares there. Maybe you're there right now. Maybe life has kicked the absolute shit out of you lately. Maybe somebody betrayed you. Maybe your marriage ended. Maybe your health changed. Maybe your kids are struggling. Maybe you've spent years putting everybody else first, only to look around one day and realize nobody was doing the same for you. And if that's where you are, I get it. Because I've been there too. And the problem isn't visiting Victim Town, the problem is unpacking your bags, setting up care, and deciding you're never leaving. So today I want to talk about the difference. Because one keeps you human and the other keeps you stuck.

Why Fake Positivity Keeps You Stuck

SPEAKER_00 1:51

But before we go any further though, let's clear something up. Not everything happens for a reason. I used to think it did. It's what I'd tell myself all the time. And I think at the time, I really believed it. But I also think it's a band-aid. Kind of like fake positivity, a way to avoid shit. I mean, sometimes terrible things happen. Sometimes good people get hurt. Sometimes is unfair, right? And I'm not interested in that fake positivity shit. You know, the whole everything happens for a reason and just choose happiness and the whole good vibes only bullshit. Because respectfully, unless you've already done the work and healed, it's trash. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not against real positivity. Not at all. But sometimes life is heartbreaking. Sometimes it's brutal. Sometimes it leaves you sitting on the floor wondering what the hell just happened, you know?

When Pain Becomes Your Identity

SPEAKER_00 3:11

I've lost people. I've buried dreams. I've survived relationships that nearly erased me. I've sat in doctors' offices collecting diagnoses I never wanted. I've rebuilt after divorce twice. I've had moments where I genuinely thought, for fuck's sake, haven't I had enough yet? And maybe you have too. That's not victimhood. That's called being human. Pain is real. Grief is real. Disappointment is real. And you're allowed to feel all of it. But the trouble starts when the pain stops being something we're experiencing and starts being who we are. And that's when victim town gets dangerous. Because pain can become comfortable. Not comfortable because it feels good, comfortable because it's familiar. You know who hurt you. You know what happened. You know the story. You know every fucking detail because you've replayed it a thousand times. But eventually the story starts becoming your introduction sometimes. I'm the woman whose husband left. I'm the woman whose kids don't call. I'm the woman who got screwed over. I'm the woman who always gets hurt. I'm the woman with anxiety. I'm the woman with chronic pain, right? And before you know it, your wound becomes your entire personality. Not because you're weak, but because brains love certainty, even painful certainty, because at least it's familiar, right?

The Hidden Payoffs Of Staying

SPEAKER_00 5:10

But here's the thing women are spectacularly bad at admitting. Sometimes there are benefits to staying in victim town. And this is where everyone gets uncomfortable, including me. But not leaving does have its rewards. Not forever, but to start with, yeah? Because you don't have to take responsibility. You don't have to make changes. You don't have to risk failing. You don't have to try again. You get sympathy. You get certainty. You get an explanation for why your life isn't moving. And before anyone gets defensive and comes at me, because if you're sitting there getting pissed at me right now, great, you're probably exactly who I'm talking to. But I've done it too. I have absolutely sat around thinking, well, no wonder I'm struggling. Look at what fucking happened. And sometimes that was true. But eventually I had to ask, Righto, what now? And I know that because I lived

A Marriage Story And The Wake Up

SPEAKER_00 6:25

it. My second marriage probably should have ended five years before it actually did. But I refused to see it for what it was. I kept telling myself that if he just changed this one thing, or if he finally realized what he was losing, or if I could just explain myself better, then everything would be okay. I spent years making excuses for his behavior and blaming him for why my life wasn't changing. I can't do this because he won't do that. I can't move forward because he's still doing this. It was always about what he needed to do before I could finally be okay. Then we separated and somehow I managed to swing things completely the other way. Suddenly everything was my fault. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I'd failed. Maybe if I just held on a little longer. Maybe if I stayed available, maybe if I proved I'd changed, things would go back to how they were. So I tolerated situations I normally wouldn't have accepted. Because I'd allowed myself to believe things would be different, that we'd get back together, that all of it still meant something. And I became so focused on how to keep it that I stopped asking myself whether I should. And I honestly thought that was love. I thought that was what fighting for a marriage looked like. I was hanging on to the version of a future I'd built in my head, not the reality I was actually living. And that's the thing about Victim Town. Sometimes you don't even realize you're there. Because you're so busy explaining why your life is the way it is, or blaming someone else, or blaming yourself, or waiting for another person to change that you stop seeing what's actually in front of you. I was so busy living inside my own bullshit, inside the story that I'd always known, that I couldn't imagine a different one. I couldn't see how much smaller my world had become. And I definitely couldn't see how completely different my life could be, or how much better until eventually I did. And once I finally stopped fighting for the life I thought I was supposed to have and packed my bags out of Victim Town, I realized my life wasn't over. It was actually just beginning. And looking back now, I can't believe how long I stayed trapped inside a story that was already finished. Because once I finally left it behind, life became so much bigger than I'd ever imagined. Because all the shit that's happened explained where I was, but it didn't determine where I stayed.

Self Audit Signs You Are Stuck

SPEAKER_00 9:37

And that's the difference between grief and playing the victim. One helps you heal, and the other just keeps reopening the wound. So let's do a quick self-ordit, okay? You might be spending too much time in Victim Town if you're telling the same story over and over. To different people, maybe, but the same story, same villain, same ending, and no new chapter. Or if every problem you have is somebody else's fault. Your exes, your parents, your bosses, your kids, societies, the universes, you know, like everybody else has a steering wheel and you have no control. Or if you're spending more time explaining than changing. And this one stings a little because explanations feel productive, right? But they're not. Or if you're waiting to feel motivated first. God, I was so good at this one. You keep telling yourself that when you feel better, you'll start. And you know you're lying to yourself because most of the time it's the opposite. You start and then you feel better. Or this one, if deep down you've stopped believing things can change. And this is probably the biggest one because hopelessness is Victimtown's mare. And if he's running the place, you've probably stayed way longer than you should have.

Four Steps To Leave Victim Town

SPEAKER_00 11:12

But the good news? Leaving Victimtown doesn't require becoming some motivational influencer who wakes up at 4 a.m. and drinks celery juice, thank God. You don't need to leave all at once. You leave one decision at a time. Step one start telling yourself the truth about whatever it is that happened. Not the edited version, the real version. What happened? What hurt? What are you angry about? What are you grieving? Say it out loud. Write it down. Own it. Step two. Separate the blame from the responsibility. Okay, so this changed everything for me. Some things weren't your fault, but that doesn't mean they're still not your responsibility. The divorce wasn't your fault, but the healing is. The betrayal wasn't your fault, but the recovery is. The diagnosis sure as shit wasn't your fault, but managing your life around it is. And that's not punishment. That's power. Alright, so that's the first two steps for getting out of victim town. Step three is to ask yourself one brutal question. What can I control from here? Not yesterday, not five years ago, not what somebody else should do. What can I control today? And start there. And lastly, step four, take one small action. One, not 20, not a complete life overhaul. One single thing. Book the appointment, go for the walk, make the call, apply for the job, set the boundary. One thing. Movement creates momentum.

Gen X Resilience And Real Strength

SPEAKER_00 13:16

And this is where I think Gen X women have a secret weapon. Because look, we've survived some shit. I mean, we survived before Google and mobile phones, before mental health was an openly discussed thing. Half of us were practically raising ourselves. We learned independence early, maybe too early. We survived heartbreak, loss, divorce, parenting, caregiving, financial stress and reinvention. And somehow, we're still here. Slightly traumatized, a little feral, pretty much held together by caffeine and twisted humor. But we're here. The strength has always been there. Victim Town just made you forget. So if you're listening today and you are in Victim Town, I want you to hear this. You don't need to leave immediately. You don't even have to pretend you're okay. You don't need to rush your grief. And you don't need fake positivity. Feel your feels. Cry. Scream. Eat the emergency chocolate. Do whatever you need to do. Just don't build your whole life there. Because the truth is, you are more than the worst thing that ever happened to you. You are more than your diagnosis. More than your divorce. More than your heartbreak. More than your mistakes. And so much more than your story. And while some of these things may explain you, they absolutely don't get to define you. So visit Victim Town if you need to. Stay

Your Next Chapter And How To Connect

SPEAKER_00 15:06

for a while, catch your breath, and gather yourself. But then pack your bags, okay? Because your life is still waiting for you. And trust me, there's a hell of a lot more to your story than this chapter. And you still have so much living left to do. Thank you for spending this time with me today. I know it's been a little full-on, but if this episode made you think of another woman who's been carrying around an old story that's keeping her stuck, please send it to her. Because I have a feeling there are a lot of women quietly sitting in Victim Town thinking they're the only one. And if you're interested in connecting with me, have any questions, or just want to drop me a line, you know you can find me over on Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook at unuofficial.au. Email me or click the link in the show description to send me a text or voice note. And as always, I'm right here figuring this shit out with you step by step. I love and appreciate you guys, and I'll talk to you next week. Remember, we're doing this side by side. Every chapter we explore together, I bought some version of it too. So if today's episode came with one thing to think about, feel, question, or try, I'd love to hear how you use it. Until next time, keep embracing the messy, unfinished, unapologetic.