Episode 15 - How I Lost Hope (and How I’m Getting It Back)

This is a vulnerable episode where I confess how I lost my hope that I AM making my writing dreams come true and what I’m doing to fix it (because Leftie without hope?! I don’t know who that person is 😅).

Mentioned in this episode:

• Solaris contest (in French)
• Grab my Essential Reading List for Fiction Writers
• Brandon Sanderson’s Free Writing Lecture
• Get 30 days of Opal PRO FREE when using this link (Opal helps you set limits to certain apps for certain periods of time, I love it!)
• Plot Twist Podcast
• Print Run Podcast
• The Hope Wound from Haley Hoffman Smith’s Big Conversation Podcast

Recorded on March 9th, 2026

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Get my FREE Essential Reading List for fiction writers (all the books that changed my life and that I wish I had when starting out): https://stan.store/leftieaube/p/get-my-essential-reading-list-for-writers-4ag5vdil

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Try out Scrivener (my favorite writing tool ever, the one I use to write all my novels!): https://www.literatureandlatte.com/scrivener-affiliate.html?fpr=leftie68

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Intro music credit: “Cinematic Cello Arpeggio Trailer” by Gregor Quendel, found on Free Sound https://freesound.org/s/555995/

Disclaimer: Some of the above links are affiliates. At no extra cost to you, I’m receiving compensation for any purchase made through those links. Buying through those links supports my writing journey, which I highly appreciate!

Transcript

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Welcome to Left Yo-Based Writing Podcast, where I share with vulnerability and positivity my journey towards making all of my writing dreams come true. I hope you learn with me as I go from the things that go well and what doesn't go so well. But mainly I wish it inspires you to pursue your own writing dreams. Now let's begin. Surprise! I'm back already. In a previous episode, I said I wouldn't be recording this week because the kids are with me, but they are playing quietly, they have been playing quietly for a while now. This is the joy of having school age kids. So I said, you know what? I'm going to use this opportunity of the quiet time and record an episode because I really enjoyed getting back to the podcast last week, and I just wanted to continue to post weekly. So here I am. So happy to have you here today. So my topic for today will be a very vulnerable one. As I promised with this podcast, I said I would be real, tell you truly what's been going on in my writing career, and what I realized last week was that I had lost hope in my writing journey, in my capacity to make my writing dreams come true. It had happened so slowly, little by little over time, that I didn't even realize it. Just before, like it completely hit me, and I was like, oh my god, okay, this is where we are, of course, because this is me. This is what I always do in those times. I was like, okay, this is a problem. I still want to believe now what do I do to go back to this really hopeful place in my writing career in my reading journey. I think I found a way to find it back. I've been applying it for a few days, and I'm really seeing already a big difference. So I'm going to share everything with you in the next part of the episode. But for now, a little writing update. Of course, it's only been a week since I last recorded, so not much happened. But I started to translate my ghost post-poc short story. It's a story that I really love, and there's a contest coming up. It's a French contest in Quebec for the Solahis magazine, and they do this contest every year. And so I was like, I want to translate my own story, I want to give this contest a try. And most importantly, I also want to start putting myself in the translation scene because I really love translating. So before I've done a bit of translating from French to English, which is to be fair, my favorite type of translation. But you know, I have my own stories in English and I can write in French, so it just makes sense that I would also translate from English to French. So that's what I'm doing right now. Surprisingly, founding it more fun than I thought I would. I think I was a bit traumatized from my early rejection in French, and I don't know why, but I had this notion that I wasn't really good at writing in French and I didn't really like it. When I made the switch to writing in English, which I could do an episode about if you're interested about it, let me know either on Instagram, TikTok, or in the comments if you're on Spotify. Let me know if that would interest you. But when I started writing in English, it felt so right to me. It felt so what I was supposed to be doing. And I also had like very early in my journey writing in English, I had an acceptance in an anthology. This is one of my two publications is in this anthology. If you're on video, you can see it right now. And you can see my name here. My name was there because out of you think there is 300 stories in that ontology. I was selected in the 10 best story one honorable mention for this story. So early on, I had a success, and I was like, okay, this is working out. I'm on the red path, and I lot never look back to writing in French after that. So I had stayed with that idea in my mind that I didn't really like to write in French and that it wasn't for me, basically. But I was like, why would I want someone else to translate me when I can translate my work myself? And so it just it just made sense. I was like, just give it a try. And seriously, I'm having a lot of fun, so that's good. I'm also rediscovering my story because it had been years since I've read it, and because of the time distance, it really allows me to read it as a reader would, not as the writer. There is part that I didn't remember, and I was like, oh my god, this is good. I still really love the story. It's still how t five short story market are still considering it at the moment. If you were back before my podcast, I shared the story, or maybe I didn't, I don't know. This story actually got accepted in an anthology, it was a pro paying anthology. The editor was amazing. I was so excited to be part of this anthology, but before it got published, the ontology was just dropped, so it never got published. So that was really disappointed. So that's why I'm back to submitting it around. I still really believe in the story. I still think the story could find its place in the marketplace, and I definitely think there could be a reader who could really like it. So we'll see that part is completely out of my hands. I'm just submitting it, and we'll see. There's new ontology coming up all the time, opening source submissions. So I'm always submitting it and we'll see what happens with it. But I will also have a chance of giving it a try in French now. The thing about writing in French, especially in the Quebec market, is that there is so few magazines, especially magazines that publish speculative fiction. So I'm going to try this contest, and there's if it doesn't work, there's also another magazine who publishes speculative fiction in French. So I will try them out too. And if it doesn't work, then I guess this is it for this story. So I don't know what I'll do then, but you know, there's still time for that. Also, last week, actually yesterday, in the time of recording this, I received feedback back on my novel, my new novel from David. Thank you, David. By the way, if you're listening, the feedback was actually amazing, really pinpointed the things I needed to work on for the next draft. It was really empowering to read that feedback, see what had worked, see what needed to be strengthened, see also that David really understood my story, I understood my style, and really helped me just to push it forward. So that was really amazing, and it really made me excited to dive back into the novel. I haven't been working on it for two months. So I think I will have enough detachment so that when I go back, I have fresh eyes on it. So tomorrow, Tuesday, I will be meeting with my incredible agent, and we will discuss the story. So that's what I asked her for us to first meet so that she can verbally tell me the major feedback, the major thing we needed to work on, what she liked, what she thought could be strengthened, and then she will send me the full edit letter because I realized that although, like you see, with David, it was better. So I think I've worked on this enough, like receiving feedback. But sometimes when I get a big edit letter, like I tend to go too much in my head and question myself and the story too much. But every time I speak with Amira, every time we have a meeting together, I always feel excited and uplifted and really so happy to jump back and to make the story better. That's what happened with my first book, and so that's why I said I want us to start right away with meeting. And I also like to exchange things either when I'm reading a story and giving other people feedback, or when other people read me and give me feedback, because I feel like sometimes the exchange allows us to really see what's really the problem and how we can best fix it to fit our vision of the story. So sometimes we will mention something, but it's not really the problem, and the solution we can propose is not maybe the best way to solve the problem. So I feel like this back and forth, this discussion around the story usually really helps to make it even stronger, but also make it stronger in the sense of being the story the writer really wants to tell. So that's why I'm really excited to start this new phase of writing my second novel by chatting with Amira. This is coming up tomorrow. Super excited. I'll report back next week about that. That's about it with my writing update with what's been going on last week. Now, before we go into the topic of this episode about like how I lost hope and how I plan on regaining my hope, I just wanted to tell you about something that I created that I'm so excited about. So, there is all those nonfiction books for writers that I keep on recommending over and over and over again to my writer friends, or even randomly online when I see someone having a problem. Those books are the books that I always keep on recommending to people. And I was like, wouldn't it be meat to have a list, to have really a place where I can put all the books, description of the books, the link to buy the books, and that I can then share with writers so that they can have access to the entire list. And when they have a problem in their writing journey, that they just can go to the list and refer and see what book could help them. So basically, these are all the books I'm looking there because I I have them right there. This is like a big stack of books. So this is all the books that I've read and that have helped me so much in my writing journey when I was struggling with elements of the craft, when there was some mindset things that I needed to work on, also inspirational books that made me believe that my dream was actually possible. Maybe I should go back to the toes actually. So I've compiled a list of all those books, the books that had the biggest impact on me, and you can get access to this list right now if you want to go see. Probably there are some you already read, probably there are some you haven't read yet, too, and some maybe you can revisit. So you just have to go in the show notes. I will put the link and you can grab the list there. Completely free, a little gift for you, because I'm like, there should be a big bag with those books that fall from the sky every time someone says, I want to be a writer. It would save them so much trouble, energy, pain down the line to have like those books to refer to anytime they are confronted with a problem in their writing journey. You can now get it. Just go in the show notes and grab the link. So, how I lost hope and what I'm doing to gain it back because I know I can. Let's go back to the beginning. So, when I started writing, I first picked up a pen to write something, actually, the computer, to write something that wasn't a school assignment when I was 16. And I've pretty much always been writing since then. Not always consistently, that was a journey on its own, but I've always been writing since then. And at this period of my life, I started really, really hopeful because I had this firm conviction. I've shared this in my first episode, the one about my journey so far. I started with the strong conviction that I was incredibly good at writing, that my stories were amazing, and that I would instantly get all the amazing success there is possible in this industry, like right now, right away. It wouldn't be hard for me at all. That's the conviction I started with. So you can see that even though I wasn't seeing that, you know, you need to develop your craft, you need to learn about the industry, there's a learning curve, rejection are parts of the game. Even though I needed to learn all of that, what I had at that moment, which kept me going for so long, was first the love of storytelling, of course, the love of books, but also this big hopefulness. This it was not even hope, it was the certainty that I was going to become a full-time writer at some point. It was inevitable, like I was going there. I knew that for a fact at the time. So I kept having this hope high up, even as I kept on going, and I kept on having an indicator that it was going to be harder than I first thought. I did a certificate in creative writing at university, and during this certificate, I learned that my skills needed to be improved. So that was a challenge in itself. I wrote my first short stories, submitted them to Contest and Magazine, and got my first rejection. So I I soon understood that it was going to be harder than what I first thought, but the hope was still there, the knowing inside of me that I'm going to become a full-time writer, certain I'm going to be published as a certainty. It was really strong still. And thinking back to it, I was like, what has changed? And I think that it was because before I could always rationalize the reason why I wasn't published yet, I wasn't a full-time writer yet. I could always rationalize it. I could always look at it from a realistic point of view and say, I'm not published yet, I'm not a full-time writer yet, because I need to get better at this. I need to develop my craft, I need to develop my skills. I'm not a published author yet because I haven't even finished a book. So of course I'm not published, you know. It allowed me to go back and say, okay, focus on finishing a book that you're proud of, a book that's strong, a book that works. This is the main focus. That's why you're not yet published, you don't have the career that you want, you haven't finished a book. So the focus works clearly on finishing this book. And the hope was still there because I had no reason not to hope. I just needed a book. And so when I finished my book, then it became, well, you first need an agent. Like if you don't have an agent, you cannot get because I did the whole process of questioning whether indie publishing or traditional publishing, which route was the best for me. And really early on, I knew that self-publishing wasn't the right path for me. And I knew that I wanted to try traditional publishing first before I turned myself to any process. So the the path that I chose was really, really clear. So I was like, because of this path that I chose, the step that I now need to take is to get an agent. So of course I'm not published. Of course, I don't have the career of my dreams, I don't have an agent yet. So what did I do? I poured myself into querying, learned everything I could about querying, sent 200 queries, and finally ended up with three offers of representation. An agent that I absolutely love, in a great agency. I've been so lucky to work with her for now going on two years. So all that time there was a reason for me to keep having hope because there was always a reason to explain why I wasn't there yet. So of course I'm going there since I'm doing the steps. But we went on submission last year with my novel, a novel that I'm super proud of, a novel that I absolutely love. And slowly but surely, as the year went by, we received response from editors, actually, pretty freaking amazing response, which really told me that it's no longer a craft problem. My craft is there. I have a solid book in my hand, I'm in front of the right people with my agent. I'm doing something right. Obviously, I'm doing something right with the response we got from submission so far. But the deal kept on not coming. And while in the past year I was working on my new novel and having so much fun with the new novel, the moment where I was writing, I felt like the world was right and everything was perfect, and I was in my element and I knew where I was going, and the hope was easy to have in the moment I was working on my new book. But that was like 30 minutes a day, maybe an hour, and the rest of the day, I was constantly, and I'm not kidding you, constantly thinking about submission, thinking about where's my email, where's my book deal, why isn't it there? Always and always and always and always. And also, you can imagine that when you spend most of your day being like, where is this email that's not there? It can get pretty depressing, it can get pretty discouraging. So slowly but surely, during this year out on submission, where I no longer had a realistic reason to say, okay, I'm not published yet, okay, I don't have the career that I want yet, because of this, I no longer had it. I had written the good book, I had found an amazing agent, my book was in the hands of amazing editors, and still, yet, nothing was happening. And slowly but surely, so slowly that it didn't even occur to me as it was happening. My hopefulness, my certainty that I had so much at a beginning, that I knew I was going somewhere, slowly eroded completely. And I think was what's even more insidious. It really happened so slowly, and it was more intensified, I think, in the last six months. Is I also sort of lost my passion for stories, for storytelling, for the publishing industry, which I used to have. Like I used to listen to podcast episodes about people in the industry getting so excited, being like, Yes, this is where I belong, this is where I want to be, like, this is my place, this is what I used to feel. But during the last year, as my hope eroded, the passion sort of eroded too, without me even realizing it. I stopped listening to writing podcasts, podcasts about authors or the craft or agent talking about the industry. I completely stopped listening to Does. I stopped reading a lot. I'm not proud to say it because, like, first I love reading. Why would I stop doing it? But you don't really realize it when you're in the middle of it, that you're just moving away from something you used to love so much and you know you genuinely love, but slowly I started getting away from it and reading less and less and less. I also completely stopped reading craft books where I used to love it. Getting nerdy about the craft used to be something I genuinely love so much, but I completely stopped it too, really gradually too. I was listening to Brendan Sanderson's class on writing that are free on YouTube. I'll put a link to if you want to check them out. These are amazing. I stopped listening to them completely. What I started doing instead was listening to lots and lots and lots of manifesting content. Now, I gotta say, because I'm not bashing on manifesting, they have helped me so, so, so, so much. When you use it right, the manifesting content is actually to make you love your life now, to make you become the person you need to be to make your dreams come true, to feel fulfilled, like you don't need anything. Like this is the basis of manifesting. When you're listening to it, right, this is what it's all about. It's about being whole and complete and feeling enough that you don't need anything else. And then you become a match for all the things that you want. But you need to go and look deep inside of you to see, okay, why am I not feeling whole? Why am I not feeling complete? Why do I think I need this to make me feel good and happy? And why can I not be happy right now? This is what manifesting stuff makes you look at. So that's good. It's really helped me. And I gotta say, on this part of loving my life right now, not needing anything else, being present in the moment, not getting like controlled by my thoughts, and not spiraling and being so much peaceful, all of this like the manifesting content, the course, the books, everything I consumed about this really, really helped me a lot. And I feel Thousand times better than I used to feel because of all of those. But there was also underneath it the forcing energy of let me listen to another podcast episode about manifesting where I will get the secret key to make my book deal happen today. You know, there was all always this like energy behind it that I wouldn't want to accept. I had moved all of my, you know, the time that I wasn't writing that I was using to connect with stories, consume stories, be immersed in the publishing world, really felt like I belonged. I all switched it to manifesting content. And like I said, even though it helped, it made me lost touch with something that was so important to me. And it was all out of forcing energy. Now I'm not saying that I will never listen to anything about manifesting again. Absolutely not, because like I said, it really helps, and I think it also helps to stay in that mindset because the whole pattern and the whole ways of thinking, of being, can creep back in if we're not like keeping this mental hygiene, if we can name it like this. So I will keep on doing it because it genuinely makes me feel good. But now I just want to focus to be more on feeling good every single day instead of finding the way to manifest my dreams. Taking away all the fun, all the passion for storytelling for the publishing industry, replacing it by just forcing, trying to find the magic way to make all my dreams happen in the process of those two things: my hope, my certainty, my capacity to dream basically, it all went away. But there is something really magical and beautiful, and I think also I'm so aware of this because also of all the personal development things I did. Being aware of it means I can do something about it. So confronting the fact that, girl, you're no longer reading, you're not immersing yourself in this world that you love so much, you gotta do something about it. That was basically admitting it was saying, okay, I can do something about it. I can bring back my hope, I can bring back the certainty that I'm going somewhere. I may not need it to be happy, which is a really good thing, but I still want to go there. This is still the life I want to create, is the life of a full-time writer, is being published, is connecting with readers, it's helping other writers. This is still what I want to do, and I can still feel like it's just on the verge of happening. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I will just keep on going in this track. First thing I did was reading needs to get back a priority in my schedule, it needs to be back. I have done also, I'm gonna be honest, lots of phone time. Like I think we're all afflicted by our phone addictions. So even though I've been using the app Opal for a year now, and it's been really helpful to just block the application after five minutes, so I cannot stay longer than five minutes. It blocks everything after that. So that has been really helpful, but I was going so often that the five minutes keep on you know accumulating throughout the day. So the first thing I did was in my 15-minute breaks or at my lunch break or in the morning, in the evening, instead of turning to my phone every time I want, I don't know. I don't know really what I'm looking for when I'm turning towards my phone. I don't need to know, but I will turn to a book. So now I'm always having this book with me close to me so that when I feel this need to escape my reality, I guess. I I don't really know, but when I feel the need, instead of picking up my phone, I will pick up my book. I started doing this and it's proven really, really helpful. I just read a page, certainly less long than I would have spent on my phone, and it makes me feel so much better. So, this is the first thing. Bringing back writing, also like in my breaks, in the evening, putting more place to writing. I started going back to craft books with my coffee in the morning. This is something I really love. So I've been going back to this and finding it super fun. I've started listening again to writing podcasts right now. I'm really loving plot twists. I will put links also in the show notes for those. So, plot twists, print one podcast, of course. I always love it, and a few others, but though those are the two I've really been going back to because these are about professionals in the traditional publishing industry, so it really helps me to connect again with this world that I so much want to be a part of. So I've been doing that. I haven't started yet watching again the Brendan Sanderson class, but I will too. I've been starting to say my affirmations again, but really just to bring me back to this is possible, you're going somewhere, keep on going. So, this is basically what I keep on repeating to myself and really putting the focus at the right space, which is you cannot control what happened externally in this industry. This is just the nature of it. There is challenges at each step of the process, each step of the journey, each step of a career, there will always be challenges, and it's up to me to be solid in my own energy, in my own knowing that I'm going somewhere, and even though it doesn't look like it's working right now, I know it's working long term, and that's what's important. But if every single day I feel good because I'm immersed in this world, because I'm loving those stories, consuming amazing stories, creating amazing stories, and I'm in there, then I don't need anything else because I will be in there, and also doing all those things, it makes you be so certain and so confident that you're going somewhere because you're in it every single day, not just by writing, but not just the moment where you're sitting down to write, but actually the entire day you're immersed in that world that you love so much. So, this is what I'm doing. I hope you can relate. I hope not. I think you I hope you have still lots of hope and certainty of where you're going in your writing career and your writing journey. But if you ever lost hope, you can go back to this episode. Or if you don't have hope right now, you can go back and look and see actually what have I stopped doing that used to make me feel good, and can I get them back? And also, I want to say that I this realization came because I listened to Ailey Uffin Smith, her latest podcast episode. Again, I will link it. And she was talking about this hope wound, and it really connected a lot, and it really got me thinking to my own thing. So, also, if this resonates with you, if you think like the hope is something you're struggling with right now, go listen to this episode. I cannot recommend it enough. It was actually the old thing that stirred up these things inside of me. So, I hope to see you next week. In the meantime, I wish you really lovely writing.