Episode 6 - How to Keep on Writing (when it feels like nothing goes your way)

Recorded on August 29th, 2022

In this episode, I share how I was struggling with feeling like I wasn’t moving fast enough with the last draft of my WIP. I also share the bad news (yes, again!) that I got this week, but how I managed to turn it around and bring myself back to a more positive mindset.

Mentioned in this episode:

• Liselle Sambury
• Canada Council of the Arts - Creation Grant
• Liselle’s Youtube video “How I Make Money As A Full-time Writer”
• Stephanie Ellis
• Horror Writers Association Mentoring Program

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Leftyobase Writing Podcast, where I share with vulnerability and positivity my journey towards making all of my writing dreams come true. I hope you learn with me as I go from the things that go well and what doesn't go so well. But mainly I wish it inspires you to pursue your own writing dreams. Now let's begin. Hello writers, thank you so much for being here with me again this week. This week is going to be a little different. It's not going to be the typical format. I don't really have a topic. It's just going to be a big update with like everything I'm going through, and I'm basically going to process it all full time with you. So a lot happened today, and I just wanted to come on here on this podcast to share it with you, just so that you know that if you're feeling this way, too, you're not alone. And yeah, though those moments where you're like, why am I doing this? Why is it taking me so long? Why am I not further along in my journey? Why does nothing seem to go my way? No matter all the hard work I'm putting into this. Like, if you've ever felt this way, if you're feeling this way right now, I hope this episode helps you and at least make you feel like you're not alone because you're not. So I can't wait for the moment when I will finally have a good news to share with you. And I actually thought that maybe this week uh I would be able to say, like, ee, I got a good news, but I cannot tell you right away. I have some things to work out, but I've got a good news and I can't wait to share it with you. Like, I thought this would be the vibe today, or maybe next week. Um, because I was waiting on a good news. So I was like, Yay, finally a good news to share on the podcast. Um, but actually, it turned out to be again uh a bad news. So we'll start at the beginning. So let's go back to March 2022. So, right where I was starting to work on this podcast, but I hadn't released it yet. Talking with LaSelle Sambury on Instagram, I'm going to link to her profile. She's really amazing, she's an author you should be following and looking out for. She's she's really great, and her books are so beautiful. Uh, I haven't read them yet, but I have one on my cobo. I can't wait to dive in. Um, but anyway, I was talking with her about like how she managed to become a full-time writer. And she mentioned the Canadian Council of Heart grant, uh, creation grant that she got and that helped her uh be able to make this full-time, along with the advance that she got for her book. She has a video on YouTube about this subject, so I'm going to link this in the show notes as well if you want to check it out, especially for Canadian. This is super interesting. So, talking with LaZelle, I heard that this grant was available to emerging writer. Uh, I thought that writing grants and creation grants were only for published authors. I didn't know that in Canada they gave it to emerging writers as well. So I was super excited about this. I went ahead and I felt out at first you needed to be approved as an emerging writer. And now, as I'm saying this, like I'm realizing that just that in itself is cool because you have to give a resume of your entire writing journey up to that point, like all the stories you've written, the course you've taken, the work you did to show that you're serious in this writing journey, that you're not just waking up one day and saying, Oh, I want to be a writer. You need to prove that you're serious and that you're an early career writer. So I filled out my CV and I sent it to them, and I got approved like super fast. My profile was approved as an emerging artist, uh, early career artist in literature. So that was amazing. I was super excited, and then I filled out my application to present them with the project that I would be working on, which is my second novel. And in the plan that I had to send to them, I had to create a deadline. So at the time in March, I thought I was going to have a surgery this summer that would give me a six week medical leave for my day job. So I planned that during this time I would be able to write more than I actually can right now. So it seemed really possible for me to be able to get the book I'm currently working on done by September, which would be the moment I would receive the grant if successful. Um, so I planned like I did the whole timeline in the application with this timeline in head. So I did the timeline, I presented my project, I thought about that second book, I got super excited about the idea for this second book because I had like lots of ideas of what could be my second project, uh, my second novel, but because of the grant, I had to really decide which one I wanted to work on. So I got super excited with this idea. I did the entire application and I submitted. And this summer I didn't get uh the surgery uh because of COVID and everything in the hospitals and the number of cancer that sadly they are discovering in people and that they need to remove with the surgery, which of course is more important than the surgery I'm waiting on. It just made them delay my surgery even more. Like I've been worried waiting on this surgery since January. Uh, but and I was supposed to get it in June, but my doctor just told me, okay, it's not going to happen. So yeah, so things didn't went according to plan. So flash forward to last week, um, I'm still working on, like I said in the previous episode, I'm working on this last line editing draft of my horror novel before I start querying, before I can move on to the second project. And last week I shared actually my first ever reel on this subject on Instagram, uh, where in the two previous episodes where I talked about how not to sabotage yourself as a writer and how to trust yourself as a writer, I forgot to mention that it's a work you need to be constantly doing. It's not like you do it one time and then boom, you're free for it forever. You need to keep on doing it. So every day last week I had to wake up in the morning. I like I always do to write, and I had to really remind myself, okay, I'm gonna make the most out of my writing time, and I'm going to trust myself and my intuition and my skills, and I'm going to make this book as good as it can be right now. Um, so I really had to work hard on this. But last week I didn't finish any new chapters. So basically, I worked all week on chapter five of uh my novel, and I'm super happy with how chapter five is turning out. Like it's not even ready. I worked on it this morning and it's not ready, but it was a complicated chapter that needed a lot of work. I did a lot of telling in the first version of the scene, and it needs to be shown a lot more. The emotion needs to be balanced as well. Um, it was a delicate scene to write, so of course it had to take me more time than the previous scene, just because there was more work to be done to it. And I'm close to finishing it and I'm I'm happy with how it turned out. But this morning when I did my bullet journal, and I realized that August was almost over, and that I still had like not even five complete chapters done, and that not only that, but maybe just four, because I maybe I'm going to take away the first chapter. I haven't decided that yet. Uh I was like, oh my god, like this is taking me forever. Like, I thought that maybe at this point I would be done with this draft, and I'm not even finished with the first act yet. Uh so I was like really getting frustrated with how long the process was taking me. Like, I started working on this novel this September 2019. Like, it's been three years basically, and I was just like, I can't wait to move on to get to the next step. But talking with a friend and also talking with Stephanie Ellis, my mentor from the Aura Writers Association, I realized that the grant, the possibility of getting the grant, was putting pressure on myself to finish this novel. Because the work that I am doing right now on the novel, I can see how good it's making my novel. I know that it's necessary work that I need to do before I start querying because I want to make this book as good as it can be. I want to give this book all the chance that I have to have it make an agent fall in love and then an editor fall in love, and then readers fall in love. So I know that the work I'm doing right now is a necessary one. I know that I need to take the time that I'm taking right now to make it as good as it can be. But with the possibility of getting the grant, that meant that soon, if I wanted to be able to ask for some time of my day job to write the second novel, like I needed to be finished with that novel because you cannot ask for a grant and get a grant to work on a project you've already started at the moment that you do your application. It needs to be for a future project. So for me to take the money, take the time off to actually write, I needed to be done with this draft. So I was feeling pushed. I was feeling like I didn't have the room, the time to finish this draft. That was this morning that I was feeling all of that, that I wrote to Stephanie, that I talked with my friend, and and I went into a place of you know, no matter what happens with the grant, I'm going to make it work. And right now I need to give this book everything that I have. I have some limited time because of all the demands of my life, because of the full-time day job, because of the two kids, because of the house I need to take care of, and all of that, all the adulting. So I have the time that I have, and I cannot make any more time, you know? So I'm going to take the time that I have and I'm going to finish this book. So this was basically what I was going through this morning of this is taking me so long, but I need to accept it. And this afternoon I got the news that I didn't get a grant. So basically, my application got enough points for me to be really considered for grants. So it was not like the first thing they do is they give out a score for every section of the application. If if the score is high enough, it goes into the reviewing process. Um, so my application was good enough to go to this reviewing process, but when it was time to decide who gets the money and who doesn't get it, uh, I didn't get it. So the reason why I wanted this grant so badly is because if you don't follow me on Instagram or if you haven't checked out my stories, um I wake up at four o'clock in the morning to get about like an hour and a half of writing every morning before I get the kids ready for daycare, get myself ready for work, I drop them to daycare, then I come back home and I work for the entire day on my day job, then it's like the evening routine with dinner and spending time with the kids and then putting them to sleep. And on the evenings, I'm working on this podcast, I'm preparing posts for Instagram, I'm sometimes doing uh better reading for friends. Um, and sometimes like I will take like an evening off to either watch TV with my partner or read a little, but most of the time, like it's doing those other things, writing related in the evening. So that routine means I don't get much time for anything else that I love to do, like moving my body, taking walks with the thug, meditating, all those other things, reading more, um, all those other things that I love doing and that are important. And I'm going to bed at around 9 o'clock. I'm trying to, but sometimes like I will get caught up on Instagram, or I will take longer with the podcast because I want the episode to be out, or anything else that might happen, and I will get to bed later. So I'm cutting out on my sleep, and I know that I need like a good eight hour sleep to be really at my optimal energy level. So, you know, right now I'm not sleeping enough. Um, but you know, all those projects, the Instagram, this podcast, the writing, it all fuels me so much. Helping my friends out with their writing, it's all things that really fuels me and that I love to do and that gives me energy. So I don't want to cut down on that. But at the same time, like I know that I cannot keep this really intense schedule for a long time. Like, I know that at some point it's not going to be feasible for me to have the schedule. So this gram would be a way to give me some time by allowing me to ask for a non-paid leave at my day job so that I could focus on writing. So more time to write, more time to podcast, more time to be active on social media the way that I enjoy it, more time for all of those things, but also to be just more balanced, take more time to myself, read more, uh, spend more time with my partners in the evening, and sleep more. That was one of the reasons why I wanted the grad so badly. So every day that it was hard, that it didn't feel like I had enough time to write, that I didn't feel like I had enough time to do all those amazing other things that I love relating to my writing journey. I was holding on to the grant. I was like, when I get the grant, I will be able to be more balanced and to really do this thing that I love so much, was it which is building my writing career. So when I got the news that I didn't get the grant, um it really broke me. And it also broke me because I was seeing this as finally I would have a good news, finally I would have something going my way in this writing career. And yeah, so that that really that really hurt to be like again I'm being kicked, I'm getting punched, again, things are not turning the way that I want them to again. So that that was that was really hard. I cried a lot again. But then I turned to, like I said in episode three, the things to do on those hard moments. So I turned to my friends and I told them the news that I didn't get the grant, and um my good friend, he answered me and we we started talking about it, and he helped me through it, he made me laugh through the tears. Also, like I've been doing a lot of mindset work this year, trusting myself more, trusting life more, and there was this thought that made this way into my head like really quickly, almost too quickly that I pushed it away, like no, and it was you didn't get the grant because the timing wasn't right. The grant, if you had it, would have put too much pressure on yourself, and that pressure was not good for this project right now that you're working on. I think with first novels, like you learn so much while you're writing them, even if it's not the first thing that you write. Like for me, I've written three, four drafts of novel before. I've written a lot of short stories and novella, so it's not like it's my first time writing, but it's not the same thing with a novel. You need to learn skills differently, and it just takes a lot of time. And I think a big disservice that we do to ourselves as writers is giving ourselves such strict deadline. I get why we are doing it. I talked about this actually with a new friend that I connected with on Instagram about how we put those deadlines to ourselves. And I think it's good because in a way it allows you to stay on track, to stay disciplined, to keep on moving forward. But at the same time, when we haven't written a lot of novels, when we haven't gone through that process, when we have a full-time day job and kids and other responsibilities on top of it, it's really hard for us to be able to really be realistic with how long this process takes us. So we can really irt ourselves by putting such strict deadlines. At the end of the day, if we're showing up to our work on regular occurrences, it doesn't have to be every day, but we're showing up when we can for this project. We're moving forward, we're learning. At some point, the book's going to be finished. Like we have to trust in this. And yes, it will probably take way longer than we first thought, but who cares? At the end, it's all about getting to that endpoint, to the point where we're ready to share a writing with either like agents if we want to have a traditional deal, or with editors to then get the novel ready to be self-published. So we will get there eventually if we keep on working, and we have to be okay with that. And to be honest, when I got the news about the grant, there was really a point where I was like, is it going to be my turn at some point to have some good news? Am I going to get a win at some point? Like, can I stop being kicked all the time and like just get something working my way? And again, is there a point where it's time to say, okay, like I just I just suck at this and I just need to stop? And my friend very gently and kindly bullied me into saying, No, you're not going to quit, you're not a quitter. You're going to keep on going, you're going to keep on working. You don't need the grant. And I managed to turn it around pretty quickly. I was actually surprised with myself. And I talked with my parents also, and they were like, My mother was super surprised because when I called them, she thought actually that I had a good news. She didn't realize that I had a bad news to share because of my tone. And she was like, I'm proud of you for turning it out so quickly. And I really managed to get into the energy of saying, you know what? I don't need the grun. I don't need it. I'm going to work on this book. I'm going to make this book as good as I can. And yes, maybe it's going to still take me months to finish it. So what? I don't care. I need to do the work that I'm doing right now. And then I'm going to query agents with it. And they will fight to represent me. And then editors will fight to buy this novel. And I will get an advance. And then I can ask for a non paid leave at my day job with the money that I will win with this book. I don't need the grant. And And yes, maybe this routine that I have right now is a lot. It definitely is. But I'm not burned out. Like, not right now. I still have energy right now. I can still keep on going with this routine right now to keep on doing all of those projects and all of those things that I love doing in my writing career, plus the day job, plus taking care of my house and my kids and spending time with my partner. I can do it. I don't need a grand. I really managed to turn it around and say, okay, this is subjective. And I also talked with um a writer on Instagram who I really admire, and I was so happy that she she took the time to speak with me. Um but she actually said that she herself did not get all the grants she applied for even after she got published. So I was sad that she went through this too, but I was like, okay, if she didn't get the grant, like it's because it has nothing to do with the quality of the writing or with the quality of the writer, because she's a really great writer, like an amazing writer. So it helped me to see it what I know, and I've heard so many times, and I know it, that this business is a subjective one, and that getting a rejection or not getting approved for grant or all of those things, it doesn't mean anything about you, or about your writing, or about your project. It doesn't. It's subjective and it happens, and I just need right now to really integrate this truth that it's subjective and it doesn't have to impact my value of myself when I get kicked or punched in this industry in any way. And if I want to keep on going, which I really, really want, I need to get used to getting punched because it will happen again. But if I can manage to turn it around that fast because I have the right mindset, because I have the right people around me, which I so do. I'm so lucky to have all the amazing peoples that I have around me. Like I know that in the end I'm going to make it through. And I don't know if this book is going to be good enough to get me an agent. And I don't know, maybe it's going to be good enough, but figures, maybe I will not get an agent. Maybe I will not get a book deal. And then I don't know what I'm going to do at this point, but right now it doesn't matter. None of it matters right now. All that matters right now is I still have energy to wake up at 4 a.m. tomorrow morning to get to my desk with my cup of coffee and write. I still love writing. I still love this project. When I push away all the doubts and all the crappy feeling that this is taking me too long. I actually really love working on this draft of my novel. I'm really feeling like a real writer, you know, doing this stuff, putting red marks on my iPad to make the the sentences flow better and seeing how my scenes are better. And I have my amazing writing mentor, Stephanie, who helps me. And I can see how good with her, with the work that I'm putting, how good my chapters are becoming. Like, I think I had a pretty good novel before, but with this draft, like I think it's it's up a level. That's really cool. So this is all that matters right now. The fun I'm having while I'm writing. Because I'm having fun when I'm putting all of that pressure and all of that fears and all of those doubts out of the way. I'm having fun. And really, right now, I can honestly say that I think this is for the best. That I didn't get the grant. Because right now, I don't have any pressure to finish this book super quickly. I can take my time and make this book as good as I can. And yes, I can't wait to start querying. Yes, I can't wait to go on the next step of this journey, and I can't wait to start my publishing journey. But it will all come when the time comes, and rushing this will do me no good. So I need to just be okay with how long this process is taking me, and keep on writing through it out. So yes, rejection come. And yes, sometimes planned on turns out the way that you thought they would, and yes, deadlines aren't met, especially the one you arbitrarily put on yourself when you have no idea of actually how long these things take you. But none of that makes you a failure. All of this is progress. The rejections are progress, the grant, that's some progress because I applied for it. This is a new skill that I've developed. It will maybe be helpful to me in the future. Waking up every morning, being at the desk, that's progress. Even if it's taking me long. Like if I'm making just one sentence, one sentence better that morning, it's still progress. Yes, it doesn't feel like because it's taking so long and there's nothing like concrete to see, but it doesn't matter. And as long as they're progressed, there's a chance that at some point it's not going to be a rejection. And there's some chance that at some point my tears are going to be tears of happiness. And of course, I cannot wait for that moment to happen. In the meantime, I still have this project that I love that I can work on every morning doing something that I love. And I need to focus on that and I need to have fun with it. I'm writing because I love it. I'm writing because I love seeing the stories get out of my head and get on paper, and there's nothing that feels better than feeling like, yes, I've nailed this. There's no puzzle that's more fun than trying to solve a story structure problem, or understanding the true motivation of your character, or just getting that really good sentence that really gets across exactly what you wanted to get across. There's no better feeling than that. And that's why I'm writing, and that's what I want to focus on. So I really hope you enjoyed the episode this week. If you did, you can share a screenshot of it on Instagram. Be sure to tag me. I'm at Lefty OB. I will put a link in the show notes as always. You can also subscribe to the podcast to be sure to get every new episode right on the platform you choose to listen to. And uh you can also leave like a rating and a review. That would be nice too, if you want to to help other people discover the show. So thank you for being here. I'm really grateful for you to allow me to be in your ears, to allow me to share my now, it's just mainly downs. I hope it inspires you not to give up to to keep on writing, to keep on doing this thing that you love so much, and together we'll get there. So I'll see you next week. But in the meantime, I'm wishing you a lovely week of writing.