Episode 5 - How to Trust Yourself as a Writer

Recorded on August 22nd, 2022

In this episode, I share how I realized that I wasn’t trusting myself as a writer, how it was hindering me, and how I overcame it. I also make a bold statement about why most of us work for years and years on the same novel and how we can finally move on!

Mentioned in this episode:

• Writing Excuses Podcast
• Revision Wizards Podcast
• Support the show (and my writing career!)
• Horror Writers Association Mentoring Program

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Intro music credit: “Cinematic Cello Arpeggio Trailer” by Gregor Quendel, found on Free Sound https://freesound.org/s/555995/

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Leftyobe's Writing Podcast, where I share with vulnerability and positivity my journey towards making all of my writing dreams come true. I hope you learn with me as I go from the things that go well and what doesn't go so well. But mainly I wish it inspires you to pursue your own writing dreams. Now let's begin. Hello writers, thank you so much for being here with me again this week. So the topic for today is going to be how to trust yourself as a writer. This is something I had to work a lot towards last week. So it was just only natural for me to talk about this. And I'm going to really talk about the experience I had struggling with this and telling you basically how I managed to find a way to build this trust in myself and to really feel it because it was there under the surface, but I was letting like all this doubt and this low self-esteem uh coming in and ruining it basically for me. So I'm going to talk to you about basically how I came to realize this and how I think I've got through it. And I think this is going to be helpful to you if you feel like you're not trusting yourself as a writer when you're working on your stories, and it can manifest itself in many ways. So I'm going to uh to talk about those I I found this week. Uh so that's coming up in the topic part of the episode. But first, I'd like to mention a writing podcast that I've been enjoying a lot lately, uh, and it's called Writing Excuses. It's a really great podcast that focuses uh on writing craft. So they are short episodes, but they are doing like a series on a topic or an aspect of writing craft, and they do multiple episodes on this, and it's going really deep on craft aspect. And the author that do this podcast that hosts on this podcast, they are all super skilled at what they're doing, and they explain it just beautifully. There was a series um a couple of months ago, I think, uh, that Mary Robinette Cobalt did on the mice quotient, and that was amazing. That really like it was a concept I didn't knew, and she explained it so so beautifully. So if you want to have more craft tips, I really recommend you give this podcast a listen. So, as always, I will put a link in the show notes, like I do for everything that I mention. So uh, if there's something you want to check out but you can't remember the name or you're in your car right now, you don't have access to pen and paper, don't worry about it. Just go check the show notes when you're available. So, for my update this week, I'm happy to report that my the work that I did on sabotaging myself uh last week, two weeks ago. Uh, if you haven't listened to the previous episode to episode four, that was the the topic of this episode. How I was sabotaging myself, how we are sabotaging ourselves as writers, and how we can stop doing it. So the work I did uh really worked. Uh, I managed to finish two scenes in a week, yes. I felt a bit bad for my my writing mentor uh sending her like all of those scenes at the same time. Um but she was okay with it, she she's really great, and uh I just felt so much better like being more focused and feeling like I was really giving this all I had and making really the most out of my writing time, and I think it shit showed in how I was able to finish those scenes quicker. Um, so we'll see how it keeps on going in the the weeks to come. I also recorded a podcast on Wednesday. Um, it's called the Revision Wizard Podcast. I will put a link in the show notes, but the episode you will have to wait a little if you want to listen to it. It's going to be out on December 15th. So I'm going to let you know when the episode comes out. So if you want to listen to it, that was uh that was super fun and that made me think a lot. It's also one of the things that helped me come to the conclusion that I wasn't trusting myself as a writer. So uh more coming up on that. And also something kind of funny and really fun and sweet happened last week. Um, so I was checking my emails during the day and I see an email from Ko-Fi, uh, my platform where you can go and support me as a writer support this podcast uh financially. So I receive an email from this platform telling me that I've had my first member. So I was all excited. I click on the email, and the only thing I see in the email is that I got a monthly supporter at the $5 level, and I don't know who that is. Like, and I'm just so excited, so happy that someone has chosen to support me financially on this journey, support the podcast, support um everything I try to share completely for free online just to inspire and help other writers. So I was all excited, and I say, okay, I'm gonna go check, you know, if it's someone that I know, and super happy to for the moment that I couldn't mention on the podcast that I've got my first um supporter. So I go onto my Ko-Fi account and I see that it's my dad. So I don't know if you saw um Julie and Julia, the movie. If not, it's a really good movie. You should really go watch it. Um and in Julie and Julia, she has this blog, and at one moment uh she never got a comment. It's like, oh, I gotta comment, I gotta go comment. And she said, Oh no, it's my mother, it doesn't count. So I felt a bit this way, I was like, oh shoot, it's my father, it doesn't count. But despite my little disappointment that it wasn't like an actual listener, I'm gonna say it this way, that was supporting me. Uh, I was really happy that that my father decided to support me this way. And I was like, okay, keep your money that, but he was like, no, like it's like putting change at the bottom of your you know, guitar case for someone who's playing live. Like it's a way of getting other people to put money in. So I don't know if his uh technique is going to work out, and he was also super happy to to support me on this journey, which I really appreciate. Like I said, if you've listened to a previous episode, like my parents have always been super supportive of my entire writing journey, they have always believed in me, they have been in pain with me with every rejection that I got. So, and I know that it's really not the case for every writer to have such support from people that they love and from their parents too. Like, I I've seen sad stories of parents actively trying to discourage a child from pursuing this, so I'm super lucky. Like, of course, they said like you need to find a real job to support yourself until the moment where you can quit it, but they never for a moment doubted that I would publish books and at what point this was going to be my career. So, yeah, I know and I'm aware that it's not a reality of everyone out there, so I'm feeling super grateful for them in general. But uh, I just thought it was funny. Like I was really disappointed for a moment when I said that it was my father, but um I'm still super grateful for it. So, you know, if you want to support me and become my second supporter, first quote unquote real supporter, you can go in uh the show notes for the episode. I always put the links to my Ko-Fi page, and I have some little things uh like shout-outs on this podcast or in my Instagram account to the people who choose to support me monthly or the shout-out on the podcast. Even if you give me like a one-time donation, I will give you a shout-out on the podcast. I this is the reason I chose Ko-Fi over Patreon that you maybe know more. Uh, it's because Ko-Fi allows to do like just a one-time donation, and it was something important for me. Like, I get that it's not everyone who wants to commit monthly, uh, even though you can like unsubscribe at any moment you want, but still, like it is like a bigger commitment. So I like the fact that Ko-Fi allowed that. So um, yeah, if you want to check it out, the link is in my show notes, and every single dollar, even if they come from my father, are super appreciated. So, how to trust yourself as a writer. This is a big one for me. Self-confidence has never been like one of my strong suits. I've always had bad self-esteem. This has always been something I struggle with, and this is something I've managed to work on a lot in my personal life. But in my writing life, I had never really came to a point where I needed to confront this. So if you've listened to episode one where I talk about my writing journey, I actually started my writing journey by having too much confidence in my writing skills. Like I joked about it, but that's really what I thought at the time. I thought I was a literary genius, that my first book will sell millions of copies, and that this was this was going to be super easy for me because I thought I was super talented as a writer. And of course that wasn't the case. So I started with that huge trust and belief in my writing skills, uh, which I thought were talent at the time, but as I worked in this field, as I wrote stories and submitted them, this got destroyed in me, basically, this overconfidence. And that was fine because you know I am not talented in writing. I've developed skill over the years, but I'm not talented. So at the time when I was just starting out on my writing journey, of course, what I was writing was not good. Uh, it was not up to the level that you will find in traditional magazine or that you will find on the shelf in bookstores and libraries and everything. So I had to develop my skills. But all of those rejections that came in again and again and again, they really broke down every inch of trust and confidence that I had in my writing skills. And I came to a point where I was just, okay, like I'm not good at this. I need to like learn my way through this, I need to analyze story, I need to take classes and courses and read craft books and ask people for feedback. That was really my way of saying, okay, I will develop those skills. And that's all good. But as I moved on this writing journey, my skilled evolved and developed, of course, by doing all this work, by writing a lot, by submitting, by asking for feedback, all of those things. But it's like inside, because I didn't have external rewards for my writing, I still felt like I had no value, like I had no skills, and my writing had no value. And that brought me to a point of always wanting to learn more, always wanting to apply more of everything, always ask for more feedback. I've written three full first drafts of novel before that I've never managed to completely finish. And with this book, when I started working on this book, I could feel that something was happening that it was different than with the other, and it gave me a confidence that at long last I had managed to nail my writing process. I knew what I was going for, I had developed enough skill to actually be able to finish this book. But with that also came a lot of pressure that I was putting on myself of making this book the best it could be because I want this to be the book that gets me an agent. I'd want this to be the book that gets me a book deal. I want this to be the book that starts my writing career. So all the while I've been working on this book, I've been again and again and again and again learning, learning, learning as much as I could, analyzing books again as much as I could, the masterwork, seeing how other writers did it. And I was asking for a lot of feedback, and through those years, you can go back and check episode 3 where I talk about writer friends, and I have built myself this circle of amazing people around me who can help me with my writing. And I'm part of the mentoring program from the R Writers Association, so I said, okay, I have the best people around me, and I have all these things, so I can make this book as good as I can. And like I said in the previous episode in episode 4, when I started working on this draft, the line editing draft, the last draft before I start to query age it and move on to the next step of this publishing journey. The step I'm so eager to finally take, but I didn't realize that I was actually overthinking everything because I was not trusting myself especially on a line level. I know that story structure, I think it's something that comes really more naturally to me. I love it. I think my brain works really well with stary structure, but I know that line level writing is not my strongest skill. But really this week I started thinking about this because um I did some beta reading for Fran on the story, and this friend is a really skilled writer, like he's a really good writer, and especially on a line level, um, in a way that I know that I don't possess that kind of writing skill. And I I read a story and I gave him my comments, but I started by saying, you know, I'm not the best with those types of story, and like I don't know if my comments could be like of any value to you, and like if it's not valuable to you, if it doesn't help you, because I was really afraid of screwing up a story, like because of how good a writer he is. That I was putting all those mention at the beginning of my comment to just be like, hey, you know, if this doesn't help you, just let me know it, like I will never better read for you again. So I was really, you can see that I was not trusting myself to be a good enough writer to be able to give him some feedback, basically, uh, because I had read his published stuff before and like it's super good. So I was like, okay, who am I to to help him? But actually, the first thing he said to me was basically like, stop diminishing yourself this way. Like, that was exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for because I saw some things that he could improve, so I I mentioned it, and he was like, it's exactly the sort of feedback I was looking for. So this little interaction started to really make me think that you know, maybe I really have a problem with trusting myself right now. And then there was the the podcast where I was like thinking about everything that they've told me, and the next day I had feedback from that same front. On the the first chapter of my of my novel, the same chapter that the editors from the podcast have read and give me feedback on. And again, there was a mention of the first scene. Like, if you've listened to previous episodes in my updates, you know that it's a whole thing like whether I should keep my first chapter or not. And this is something I'm letting like in the back of my mind right now, like I will take a decision way later on in the process. But this came up again uh for a different reason, which was super interesting to think about. But all I could listen was the this might not be working, and all the good things he said about my my second chapter that like I didn't even hear. I had to go back and absorb the comment again to be able to see he actually gave you some pretty awesome feedback, and you didn't even hear it, you just focused on the negative, and it went back to the same thing again that this was a decision I had to take for myself whether or not to keep the first scene like everybody had said before, like all my other writer friends had said the same thing. Like, in the end, you're going to be the one who takes this decision. But I realized that by asking feedback again from the editor on the on the podcast, from this friend who hadn't read it before, I was looking for this stamp of approval telling me that yes, your novel is good, you can submit it to an agent, and it will be okay. I was really looking for this confirmation that what I was doing was great. Like all the other feedback I had before, all my other friends telling me everything that worked well with my novel. Yes, they told me the things I could make better, but that's what you asked for feedback, right? But they all also told me some amazing things about my novel, and still, I was still looking for that other person to tell me how amazing I was and how amazing my page were. And even when I was getting sort of this, I was not even listening to it. And it made me think back to when I was working on this sign editing and why I was sabotaging myself and saying, okay, when I'm doing this last work, I'm afraid that I'm not good enough. And I'm not trusting myself, and I'm not trusting my own judgment on this. And that's not helping me right now. That's actually hindering me right now, and I need to stop doing that. So last week I gave you some journaling prompt to help you figure out the why you were sabotaging yourself and everything, if that was a problem for you. And I had to follow my own advice when I was confronted to this not trusting myself thing. I was like, you're never going to get enough good comments on your writing to trust yourself. It needs to come from within, it needs to come from you. You cannot always be looking for that tap on the back telling you that what you're doing is great because you will be spending your whole career running trying to get that thing, and it's never going to be enough. And I don't want to fall into this trap. This trap of reading review to validate myself, this trap of checking how many sales I did as a way to validate myself. I did not want it to fall into this trap because I know that it's not a good place to be. The validation and the trust need to come from within. So I got out my journal and I journaled it all out, and I got to this awesome revelation that right now, in this moment, I am the best writer that I've ever been. This is my truth right now. Yes, I want to keep on improving, and I think it's so important, especially when you're starting out, that you develop your writing skills. And I never want to think that, you know, I've got it. You know, I've got this writing thing figured out. I don't need any more classes, I don't need to analyze any more books, you know, I don't need to ask anyone else for feedback. I've got this. I never want to get to this point because in any art, I think that you can never reach a place of mastery. Like, maybe you can, you know, I don't know, but. I don't think it's in front of me for years and years and years before I can say, okay, I've mastered writing a novel. Like, there is so many skills to acquire. So even though I know that I will become a better writer in the future, that I will develop more skills, I need to be comfortable and accept the fact that right now I am the best writer that I've ever been. And the book that I'm writing right now is the best book I could ever write with the skills I possess right now. And I'm going to make a bold statement here. Some people fall into the trap of editing a novel forever. And I've fallen into this trap with my previous novella. And I think if I hadn't done that work, I could have fallen into this trap with this book too. And if I hadn't all those deadlines in my head that I want to get this book finished by this date and start querying, I think that I could fall into this trap too. And it can be tempting to learn and learn and learn and ask for feedback again and again and again as a way to go back into the same story over and over and over again until you can make it really, really good. But the thing is, when you've worked on a story for some times with the skill that you had at this period of time, no matter how much you develop new skills afterwards, you can never insert all of those new skills in the story that you wrote before with quote unquote lesser skills. Because there is so many parts of what makes a good story that when you write the first draft and the second draft with a certain skill set, you put so much in that there is just so much you can edit with new skills. And that's why I think when we keep on working on the same book for years and years and years and years, we're always disappointed because our skills get better. We are better at recognizing good writing versus bad writing, and we can see that our story could be better, but we're just not capable of making it take the next step. And why that is, it's just because we need to finish that story that we wrote with the skills that we had at the moment we wrote it, and then move on to the next story. And it's this next story that we will be able to put all of those new skills we develop from the moment we started that previous story and apply them to write a much better story that reflects those new skills that we acquired. So, what's important to understand and to accept is that the book that we're writing right now, the story that we're working on right now, is as good as it can be right now with the skills that we have. And we need to stop. I need to stop trying to learn more, do more courses, analyze the shining for the 30th time again, get more feedback again as a way to try to make this book even better. Like it is already a good book with the skills that I have right now. It's the best book that I could write, and I need to sit in that and accept that and know that this is a truth, and know that I can finish this book with the skills that I have and that I will be able to be proud of it. And yes, this book is going to be rejected by Agent. This is just a certainty. Like I said it in the previous episode, like, no matter what I do, I could do everything, it is going to be rejected because writing is a form of art, and art as a part of taste is to it. So I'm never going to be able to write a book that please everyone. And actually, I actually don't want to write a book that quote unquote please everyone. I don't think it's possible, but if it's possible, I think it would be a pretty bland book. Like it's normal. You can go on Goodreads and check out your favorite book. Go check out the one-star review on the book. You will see that, you know, it's pretty. It's a subjective heart. And go check out the book, the last book that you really didn't enjoy, that was really not like your taste, and go read the five-star-star review. You will see that it's so subjective that you need to please yourself. You need to write the book that you love. You need to write the book that you think is good, that you think works, and you need to trust yourself for that. And you need to be the person from whom the validation means the most. That needs to be it. I think that's the only way to remain sane, especially on this publishing journey. It's all about getting to this point of not needing this external validation, but knowing your worth and being able to take away all the crap of fear and doubt and all the past little trauma that you could have concerning the rejection you had, or this teacher that told you you suck at writing, or you know, you know, all of those things. You need to put them all aside and just go back within yourself and find there the truth, which is you love writing, you love your idea, you love your character, you love the book, or its potential if you're not like close to the end. Like right now, I'm super close to the end, so I can take a step back and say, okay, I've written a good book. But if you're not there yet, if you're still working that needs to be done, because there is work that needs to be done on a book as you're working on it. So it's normal that sometimes you need to apply those skills to make it better. I'm not thinking, I'm not talking about it. What I'm talking about is just this trust in your story, in yourself, and that you'll be able to make it all work. And when you're done, you're done. And you move on to the next day. So, because I love to give some actionable steps on this podcast for you to really be able to apply what I'm saying to your own circumstances, um, because it's never going to be exactly what I'm leaving, of course. Um, I'm just going to tell you that if you feel right now like you're not trusting yourself, first because we're human, we need it, go find the writer friend who has read your stuff, or even if it's not a writer, go think about the person who read your stuff who gave you the most compliment ever. Go ask that person for a moment to tell you everything that they like about your writing or your latest story and saying only the thing they like, just to build up your confidence a bit, you know. Not that you want to get the band-any on that, but just to put this little buffer around yourself of good vibes, and then take your journal out and answer this question: why am I not trusting myself as a writer? Why am I doubting my capacity to write this story and finish it and have it be good? And then write to yourself what makes you an amazing writer. Journal it out, journal your strength. You can also write what you need to develop, but keeping in mind that those skills that you need to develop, you'll develop them later with the next story. But right now, focus on the thing that you know you can do. And even if you're just starting out and you may be thinking, but I don't have that much writing skills, like I still need to develop myself. Yeah, that might be true, but that doesn't mean that you cannot write a good story with the skills that you have right now. And if it's the story that ends up not being published, or that you publish it and you don't get good reviews if you decide to only publish it, it's okay. Like we'll just let it go and you'll move on to the next thing. But right now, you need to do good by this story, and that implies trusting the skills that you have right now. So write it all out in your journal, and I hope this all helps you. And let me know. You can reach out uh on Instagram or you can write me an email. I think you can find the email somewhere in on the platform where you're uh listening to your podcast. Don't hesitate to reach out and let me know if this was helpful to you uh and where you are on your writing journey right now. I always love to talk about writing. Also, if you found this episode helpful and you think it could help someone else, you can take a screenshot on your phone and share it on Instagram. Uh, and don't forget to tag me. I'm at lefty-b L E F T I E A U B E. Tag me there and I will answer you. I will reshare your post. That was all for me. So I really hope you enjoyed the episode this week, and I hope that you'll be there next week for the next episode. But in the meantime, I'm wishing you a lovely week of writing.