Saying the Hard Thing Out Loud

The hard truth you're not saying is the exact conversation that needs to happen. Most professionals choose temporary comfort over permanent solutions and wonder why problems keep repeating. Here's how to deliver difficult messages without destroying relationships — a framework that works in the field and the C-suite.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hey, I'm JP Warren. I'm not a pastor. I'm not a theologian. I'm just a guy figuring out his faith and finding out what's in the scripture keeps showing up and how I lead. This is Lee with Confidence. Five minutes. Let's go.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Welcome back to Lee with Confidence. I'm your host, JP Warren. I'm all about helping people out how they show up, how they communicate with confidence. And this week we're talking about courage. How to have courage, we covered how to walk into an end a networking event with courage, with executive presence. We talked about uh having those conversations that no one's really bringing up. How do you have those? We actually talked, even talked about moving past the courage to move past the courage not to ask, what do you do? Or moving past pretty much it's moving past the transactional conversations. And today we're going to be talking about the courage to say the hard things out loud. This is the importance of having those difficult or crucial conversations. All right. The conversations that you are avoiding is probably costing you, the person, and your company or house a lot more than you expect. All right. The problem here is this, right? We are in a hyperconnected yet disconnected world. Okay. And a lot of times, what does that mean? That means our communication skill sets and our development has actually kind of gone on the back burner versus actually know how to navigate this. Everyone knows of a conversation that they need to have in their lives right now, whether that's with a spouse, whether that's with a peer, whether that's with a customer, right? Whether that's with a vendor, right? So how do we actually have those conversations and not have so much anxiety behind it? All right. So the real problem is right now, a lot of people think that being direct will damage the relationship with the person, right? Or, hey, if I bring this up, that kind of like this behavior that upset me, or this ups, this behavior that's, you know, that's not conducive to our company's, you know, standards, I'm really gonna upset this person. So I'm just gonna let things slide. Um you confuse, you know, keeping you're managing by comfort. You you want to keep the peace. And you think that having this conversation is gonna throw everything off the tracks and you're gonna have a lot of conflict in your team. All right. And another thing is you start kind of getting another thing is I'm sure we've all experienced this. Once you do, I'm sure in our past we've had crucial conversations before where you bring something up that bothered you, and next thing you know, you are on a 14 different tangents down the road, not talking at all about the about the uh the point. So you make it personal. You don't stick to the facts, you don't stick to the goal, you make it personal. Okay. So I remember um, you know, this is this is one of those things like, you know, I hate practicing what I preach. I really do, even though like this is what I do for a living. I help people in their navigate imposter stream, communicate, lead with confidence, things like that. But even like, and I remember I was um, I just had a uh a coaching uh call with someone about having a crucial conversation, how they need to set it up and why they need to do it, right? Hey, that's great if I'm telling other people advice, but what happens when I need to follow my own advice? So there was this one thing. So another thing that I do, I host these um these um uh operator, these, these, these operator round tables, right? And it's about 20 people to the table, and there's no solicitations, right? This allows for better conversation, better connection. That's what I'm all about. Communication and connection, okay? So I remember one time one of the rules is no solicitation. And this one person, um, they had a little bit too much booze and they started kind of over talking people. Then they started pitching, then they started just kind of like, it was just kind of like they kind of took over the conversation with the table. And I'm looking around the table, I'm seeing this, I'm seeing people pull back, I'm seeing people check phones, I'm seeing people roll their eyes, and it really started kind of changing the, the, the quality integrity of what I was doing. And I could have taken two things, you know, I mean, there was definitely a different shift or vibe to that night. And I could have done one of two things. The first thing I could have done, because remember, they were a paying sponsor to be at the table. The first thing I could have done is say, hey, that's that's a customer. I really don't want to kind of like challenge them or kind of have this conversation with them, you know, because I don't know how that's gonna go. And the second thing I could have done, I could have had the conversation and kind of approved all things. But I was so worried to have this because number one, they were a paying customer. Number two, there were a buddy of mine. Number three, it was one of those things where it's like, I don't know how they're gonna react. Like, I don't want to have this conversation, okay? But after talking to uh my support group, friends, other people in this position, they told me that you gotta have this conversation, you gotta practice what you preach, JP. So what I did, I took some time. I took uh some time to actually kind of not be so emotional about things. You don't want to respond with emotion. I set the goal, what we're gonna talk about, put out the facts, but I actually went into this as a growth opportunity for both of us versus a crew versus a high stress conversation. And I was very nervous and started before, so I did some breath work, got my mind right, got in a neutral zone, made the call. From that call, from the beginning of that call, I was so nervous and anxious about that call, but towards the end, it was such a beautiful conversation because number one, I was actually practicing what I preach and learning these crucial conversation skills. And the second thing is I was helping maintain the quality of crew club of these operator roundtables and ensuring that there's still no solicitations and still, you know, this is the energy, this is the vibe of the room. And the third thing I, and it mind you, during this conversation, I asked him, how do you think it went? How many meetings did you get from? And he said, Oh, I think it went great. I've gotten zero meetings. Towards the end of it, providing kind of like what my expectations got some feedback from him, aligned on a goal. I challenged him, the next event, I want to see how you operate. Next event, there was a lot more questions. He approached it in a lot more methodical, intentional manner. And then he texted me the next day saying, Hey, JP, I appreciate the conversation. I actually have four meetings based on last night's event. Like I couldn't do this without you. So that was awesome to hear from me because number one, it's like I'm learning as a leader on how to have these conversations. But the second thing is, man, like you can reframe it. Like these crucial conversations don't have to be crucial. They could be a growth opportunity for everyone involved. And it maintains your company, maintains your relationships, maintains this person because you want this person to succeed. Okay. So here's the frameworks that we're gonna provide today. All right. I just took a lot of a huge tangent on that, so I apologize. But the frameworks when you do want to have one of these conversations, whether it's your spouse loading the dishwasher incorrectly, or whether it's someone showing up to work five to ten minutes late and you need to address it, right? So this is what you have to do. Number one, state the facts. Start jotting the facts down. Don't make it personal. All right. When you're people make it personal, people get defensive, and next thing you know, you're defending things versus having a good conversation. All right. The second thing is name the impact. Hey, you showed up five minutes late. This is the impact what it does to the person that has to cover you. This is the impact what it does to your performance. This is the impact what it does. Make it personal. What is that personal impact to them and the company or the team? All right. The third thing is make a request. That's an alignment on goal. Okay. So start talking about a plan, what they can do to align on a goal. And obviously, you know, in this, this is a conversation. So you're asking them on their feedback. Maybe there's something going on in their world that you're just not aware of, right? Maybe they're going through, because everyone's going through shit, right? Maybe they're going through something in their world that's that's affecting their performance, affecting how they're showing up. Maybe they're going through divorce and they have to drop their kids off at school and they're showing up late and there's nothing you can do. Without knowing that, you're not going to be able to help them out, all right? As a leader. Servant leadership. You're not supposed to help them out, all right? So at the end of it, align on the goal. Okay. Align on the goal, make sure it's mutually communicated, and then go back to that after a couple weeks, months. Go back to that and just talk about, hey, listen, we had that conversation and look what you're what's going on now, and then obviously show appreciation. All right. I'm not going to give another story about the crucial conversation. I'm sure one will come up in a future episode. But all right, so here's what I want you to do today, all right? The next time you need to address an issue, whether it's with the spouse, I mean, it doesn't have to be a big issue at all. It could be something that's minute, that's kind of bugging you. Start there, start small. Start off, that's how you eat an elephant. Start off with little bites, all right? So next time you have an issue to address, all right, write it down, write down the observable, observable facts before having that conversation. The second thing I want you to do is stop saying you always, don't speak in absolutes. This never works for relationships or anything. Don't use you always, you never, you never do this, you always do this. Stick to specific behaviors about that individual, all right? And then ask yourself, what exactly do I need this person to do differently? Be clear, be specific, don't beat around the bush to appease people because all you're doing, you're being unclear about your expectations and you're setting yourself up for failure or repeated behavior. So, all right, y'all, the relationship can handle the truth. Trust me, if you're with a spouse with your team, the relationship can handle the truth, okay? It's avoiding it that kills it. Think about that resentment that builds in you. Think about the tension, right? Uh, think about all that like stuff when you bottle stuff down, you don't clear the air. Go out there, have that crucial conversation. Thank y'all for joining us, and we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_00 8:59

That's all I got for today. I'm figuring this out right alongside you. I appreciate you listening. And men, come join us at Exec Crew if this is Resonating. Link in the description, and we'll see you tomorrow.