Families — Presence Over Performance

We say we're building this for our families — but are they actually getting any of us when we get home? Today's episode is about the gap between working FOR your family and being present WITH them — and it's not just a men's issue, it's a leadership issue.

In this episode: → Why "I'm doing this for them" can quietly become an excuse → Four simple rituals for being more present at home → Why this applies to every leader, not just dads

Want to go deeper on leadership and identity with a group of men doing the same work? Join Exec Crüe: skool.com/execcrue

#LeadWithConfidence #Family #Presence #Leadership #WorkLifeBalance

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Lee with Confidence. I'm JP Warren. Every episode we take a theme from our Monday morning leadership call and apply it to real life scenarios. So you can build your confidence, crush your imposter syndrome, and step into the leader you actually want to be. Short, real, straight to the point. Let's get into it. Welcome back to a new Lead with Conference with me, your host, JP Warren. As a founder of a company, uh previously, I've been doing this for about five, six years, I used to say this, you know, obviously it's still true, don't get me wrong, but oftentimes me and other leaders, they say, Oh, I'm building this for my family. I'm doing this for my family. Honey, I'm doing this for my family. I'm doing this for you. However, the reality is this if you're building it for your family and you're disconnected from your family and you come home and you really don't have a family unit anymore, what's the point? Are you really doing it for our families? Or is that just something we're saying that sounds nice and actually maybe true, but if you're not bouncing the bucket on both sides, personally and professionally, then I'll tell you one thing, your family unit at the house will not be as strong. And that's at the end of the day, what's the freaking point, right? So this is something we're talking about today, building presence over performance with your family. Okay. So again, this is one of those things. I have a men's group that we come to the table. We actually just had a huddle of this kind of a small virtual get together we have, and we actually talked about marriage and relationships and family, right? And as, and this isn't just for men, this is for a lot of people out there, right? A lot of people working out there. We are doing this quote for our families, okay? But if you're always working for, if you're always working, your attention's always towards your work, you're you're stressed out with your work, and you're really not showing up. Uh, I'm not saying your best self, but uh even a good portion of who you are to your family, then it's just gonna be disconnected. And at the same time, what's the whole point, right? So let's talk about actually how to be intentional with our time with our families today, okay? So that's kind of like, again, I don't I see most some of the most successful people. Um, some of the most successful people to me is the ones that are very successful in business, but also have a great family of relationship with their with their spouse, with their kids. Uh, it doesn't matter. So right now, I want to dive in and maybe some uh quick tips and all that stuff about uh being there with your family. And it's so interesting too. During the men's call, it will, we talked about kind of it's so easy to like establish KPIs for our work, right? Our project needs to be done by this. Here's the KPIs, and you can actually measure that. But how do you actually measure quality time with your family? There's no KPIs behind personal relationships. There's no goals, or I mean, there are goals, but there's no like clear action step. There are clear action steps. I don't even know what I'm talking about, but pretty much understand there's no KPIs with a family, but there's KPIs with work. All right, bear with me here, okay? I'm I'm kind of riffing this on a Saturday. So, all right, so how do we actually set KPIs for our family? In reality, KPIs aren't going to be KPIs for the family. It really is just being more intentionful, uh having more intention with our family time. Okay. So let's talk about a couple key uh frameworks that you can actually use uh the next time you're actually kind of pulled in the driveway after a long day of work and you have to show up your best self for your family, okay? The first thing that you can do is number one, it's called the transitional ritual. Okay, so five minutes for you get home, whether you're turning on your street or maybe you're exiting the highway, something like that. Take five minutes and really think about detaching from work and actually showing up for your family. So those five minutes can make or break the night. They can actually build a great rapport with your family, your spouse, your kids, whatever it is, versus showing up to work defeat, defeated, deflated, and often thinking about uh the day's task behind you. Okay. So take five minutes for yourself and actually be intentional about how you're showing up for your family, okay? The second thing you can do, and honestly, we don't do this, but I really want to start doing this, is a phone basket, right? Our phones are constantly stealing our attention, right? They're a distraction. Whether we talked about this previously, whether you're at a networking event or whether you're in a meeting, whether you're at something, you're always pulling out your phone, it's your safety blanket, but it's such a distraction, right? So think about the last time that your family was all together. If you start looking around, just start noticing at first where you start implementing this rule. A lot of times we'll get on our phones. We start scrolling our phones. Even this morning after my walk, I sat down there, and my wife and my daughter are kind of sitting there and all that stuff. And I look up and I notice that we're all on our phones. So they're guilty, I'm guilty, we're all guilty of this. So have some sort of uh phone basket where you actually put your phone, and listen, it doesn't have to be all night, but it could be for an hour, it could be for 30 minutes, it could be 30 minutes of intentional time that you're spending with each other versus being distracted by our phones. Because our phones are such an easy way to kind of pull us away from being engaged. Even when you're sitting, I mean, I this is something that we're guilty of. Even sitting there with your spouse watching TV, you're binge watching something, you're really plugged in, you're, you know, you're quote, spending time together. And I, for some reason, I feel so disconnected that when we're watching the same show and that phone comes down and I start scrolling or she starts scrolling it. For some reason with me inside, it's like, we're not really here with me. You're you're on your phone elsewhere, but yeah, we're the TV show's on. But anyway, so take some time out, get a little space for your phone, and have it just sit there for 30 minutes, an hour, whatever that is. And chances are you family might get bored and actually might start connecting again over a puzzle or or or mahjong or whatever it is. Okay. So have that phone basket. The first, the third thing that you can do is the first 10 minutes rule. So whenever you walk in that door uh from obviously you took the five minutes uh pause, you know, you took the five minutes of getting your mindset right for you to walk in that door. Maybe the first 10 minutes, you actually be intentional with your family. You walk in with a point to engage with them, to ask how their day was, to really dive into conversations, right? So you're actually showing up with a goal of having a better conversation with your family versus just walking through the door and kind of like putting your bag on the ground, giving a, you know, oh, heavy size walking around the room and really kind of getting in your evening ritual. So maybe your ritual is actually 10 minutes of connecting with your family, right? How you show up through the door. You always, I always see these reels of like it's a split screen. It's like how little actions can actually matter more than you think. So whether it's kissing your spouse on the way out, coming back, kissing your spouse, and really kind of sitting there at the table, phones away, really kind of engaging with your spouse, and the other split screen is both on the phones. So little intense intentional pieces, about even 10 minutes, can actually probably fruiten your relationship with your family. All right. And the last thing is the weekly one-on-one. This is when you're actually taking one-on-one time, whether it's your spouse, your child, anything like that. You have one-on-one unfocused time with them, whether it's y'all going out to eat, grabbing a bite, or taking whatever it is, right? You're having an activity with your spouse, your child, just you and them one-on-one. Again, I'm gonna say no phones, no distractions, where you're actually connecting, building that bond. Because Lord knows my daughter's about to be 13 this summer, and time it just flies by. And I would do anything. And I guarantee you, older JPs and look back and say, man, if only I knew what I know now, I would have been more intentional about spending time with her. I would have been more intentional about being with her versus just kind of just going day by day and getting home, being tired, wanting to get on my phone, want to be distracted, want to unplug, want to be compressed. How about I want to be there to have conversations with my family? I want to be there to kind of like find out how their day was. What challenges are they struggling with? What are they looking forward to with the summers with the summer? Like their trips planned, are their ideas? What do they want to do when they grow up, right? So be intentional about your time, okay? Excuse me. So my question for you is what does present actually look like for you at your house versus what you think it looks like, right? A lot of times people think, well, I mean, I'm I'm guilty of this. Like, well, I'm here, I'm present, but I might be my behind my computer, right? I mean, there's been multiple times my daughter has come up to me and says, Dad, you're always on your computer. No, you're oh, I'm guilty of this, you're on your computer. So what does actually being present look like for you? And I've done a better job at that based on that feedback. But again, what does it look like for you? Okay, is it really just being there on your phone? Is it just being in close proximity, or is it being engaged with them? All right. The second question is what one screen habit you change if you were honest about its cost? So pretty much, do you need to be on your phone? Do you need to answer that email right away? Do you need to get back on, you know, and you know, respond to this when it's after when it's 7 p.m. at night? Probably not. It could probably wait for tomorrow. So, what does actually phone, your phone regulation actually kind of look like? In reality, does that email need to be responded to? Probably not. It could probably wait until the following day. So if you are being intentional with your family, take time out and be have some discipline and maybe have that phone basket. Maybe you kind of walk in, you kind of say no, no phones uh Sunday evenings, no phone, it doesn't matter. Y'all, you you do you, but how intentional are you about the time with your family versus with distractions? All right. So the weekly challenges, pick one ritual from above, whether it's the transition ritual, the phone basket ritual, the first 10-minute rule, or the weekly one-on-one. Pick one and do that this week. Okay. Be intentional about the time with your family because at the end of the day, if we're doing this for our family, let's make sure we have a family to get home to that's happy and we have a good relationship with at the end of the day. So thank you all for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on Lead with Confidence. That's your framework for the day. Go lead with it. I'm JP Warren, lead with confidence.