Episode 1: My Daughter Was Furious With Me

In the very first episode of Middle Years, Bridget answers a question from a mom whose sixth-grade daughter was furious with her after a difficult parenting decision.

When her daughter skipped volleyball practice and asked her mom to send an email that wasn't truthful, the mom found herself wrestling with a question so many middle school parents face:

Should I step in and help, or should I let my child experience the outcome of their choices?

Together, we'll explore why this isn't really a conversation about consequences. It's a conversation about leadership, connection, integrity, disappointment, and what our job actually is when our middle schoolers are upset with us.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why disappointment and disconnection are not the same thing
• How Bridget's approach to parenting the middle years can help you make decisions from steadiness instead of fear
• The four relationships that were present in this parenting moment
• How to hold onto your values without losing connection
• A simple way to repair and reconnect after a rupture

If you've ever wondered, "Did I do the right thing?" this episode is for you.

Because middle school parenting isn't about getting it right all the time. It's about staying connected, staying steady, and continuing to show up even when you're unsure.

You can find Bridget on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/bridget.parentcoach/).

If you'd like to learn more about Steady + Connected Parenting™, go here: https://bridgetparentco.samcart.com/products/unbreakable-bond

Transcript

Welcome to Middle Years. I'm Bridget KerMorris.

If you're parenting a middle schooler, you're in the right place.

Each week on this podcast, I'll answer one real question from a parent who feels stuck, has tried everything they can think of, and who isn't sure what to do next. Together, we'll look beyond short-term fixes and focus on what matters most: your relationship with your child.

Before jumping in, I want you to hear something I say often to the parents I coach, I'm not worried about your middle schooler because they have you . . . the best parent in the world for them. The person I worry about (and who is the reason for my work) is YOU, the parent navigating these years. I promise you, there is joy to be had in the middle school years and I'm here to help you find it.

My hope is that each episode helps you feel a little steadier, a little more connected, and a little less alone. Because when we don't offer ourselves compassion and grace, it's nearly impossible to navigate these years with the joy that's still available to us.

Before we get to today's question, I can’t help but share something . . . Honestly, I'm a little nervous.

This is the very first episode of this podcast, and there's a part of me that’s pretty strong right now that really really wants to get it right.

I want this to be helpful. I want you to feel seen. I want you to walk away with something that makes parenting your middle schooler feel at least a little bit easier.

And as I was getting ready to press record, it struck me how much my nervousness about this reminds me of the parents I work with who are navigating these middle years.

So many of us are carrying around this quiet hope (and it really feels like a need) “to get it right.”

We want to say the right thing, we want to set the right boundary, handle the hard conversation the right way, and know exactly when to step in and when to step back.

And, yeah, we all care deeply about our kids. So, it’s easy to feel like every decision carries enormous weight.

One of the things I hope you'll discover as we spend time together is that middle school parenting isn't about getting it right all the time. It's about staying connected, staying steady, and continuing to show up even when we're unsure.

So maybe that's where we'll begin together. Let's be brave together.

I'll learn about podcasting and all that it entails, and you'll come along with me while I share the tools, perspectives, and parenting approach that’s helped so many families navigate the middle school years with more confidence, more connection, and a whole lot less stress.

There was a time when parenting middle schoolers made me every bit as nervous as starting this podcast and I'm not there anymore. It’s not because I became a perfect parent. It’s because I learned how to approach these years differently. 

I promise to give you everything I've got to help get you there too because I genuinely adore middle school parents.

You are doing some of the bravest work there is. You are loving children who are changing rapidly, you are leading while often feeling uncertain, you are showing up day after day for one of the most important relationships in your life.

You have all my admiration.

Okay, let's jump into today's question.

Let's jump into this week's question.

Today's question comes from a mom of a sixth grader. And I want to let you know that all the questions I receive, I get permission from the person submitting it and I have taken away any identifying details. 

So this mom writes:

"My daughter is in sixth grade and recently did something that made me incredibly proud. She stepped way out of her comfort zone and tried out for volleyball, despite never having played before. She isn't naturally outgoing, so putting herself out there like that felt like a really big deal.

She made a team and ended up loving it.

Recently, the team played their final game of the season, but there was a complication.

The team has a rule that if a player misses practice the day before a game, they cannot play in the game unless a parent contacts the coach to excuse the absence.

The day before the game, my daughter made a last-minute decision to go home with a friend instead of attending practice.

Later that night, she asked me to email the coach and explain her absence. This was at 10:30pm.

The problem was that there wasn't really anything to explain. She chose not to go.

I told her I wasn't comfortable sending an email that wasn't truthful.

The next day, the coach followed the team policy and my daughter wasn't allowed to play.

She is very upset with me and believes that if I had sent the email, she would have been able to play.

My question is this:

Did I do the right thing?

Should I have stepped in and helped preserve connection by sending the email?

Or was it important to let her experience the outcome of her choice?

I have a feeling this won't be the last parenting decision like this, and I'd love your perspective on how to think about situations like these."

Okay, first, I want to slow this down because before we talk about volleyball, before we talk about consequences, before we talk about whether, this mom, whether she made the right decision, I think there's something important happening here.

I think there is a lot coming up for you and it makes sense. Your daughter means so much to you.

One of the things I teach inside Steady + Connected Parenting is something called UPDATE. It’s an acronym I won’t spell out here, but essentially UPDATE is the internal work of parenting.

It's the understanding that before we decide what to do about the situation with our child, it helps to notice what's happening inside of us. Not because we're the problem or because everything is about us. But because when we understand what's being activated inside of us, we can respond more intentionally instead of reacting from fear, guilt, urgency, or self-doubt.

So, my dear, if you were sitting across from me right now, I'd want to start there.

Because as I read your question, I can feel so much underneath it.

I imagine there is pride.

Your daughter did something brave. She stepped outside of her comfort zone. She tried something new. She made a team and that's a big deal.

As parents, when we watch our kids take those kinds of risks, we become invested. We want things to go well for them.

I imagine there’s also protectiveness.

You knew missing that game would hurt. You probably knew exactly how disappointed she was going to feel. And when we love our kids, every fiber of our being wants to spare them pain.

I imagine there may have been some frustration too because let's be honest, parenting middle schoolers often means being asked to solve problems we didn't create.

You didn't choose for her to skip practice. You didn't create the team rule. And yet somehow at 10:30 at night, you're now holding a decision that feels loaded with meaning.

I think there’s also some uncertainty for you.

You want to be connected to your daughter. You want her to trust you and come to you.

But, there’s also this wondering: Did I miss an opportunity here? Should I have handled this differently?

And, finally, gosh, I think there’s this part. So many parents feel it and we don’t always say it out loud. You probably have fear that if you disappoint your middle schooler, the relationship with her will suffer. It’s a fear that if you hold a boundary, she'll pull away. It’s a fear that every parenting decision carries more weight than it actually does.

Whew. That is a lot.

Of course you're questioning yourself and of course this feels complicated.

So, before we go any further, I want you to know something. The fact that you're asking this question tells me you're already thinking deeply about your daughter, your relationship with her, and the kind of parent you want to be.

That matters a lot.

Okay, now, once you've made room for all of that and really been honest with yourself about what is coming up. I want you to give yourself compassion for the complicated human being you are, like we all are, and let's look at the actual situation.

Okay, so, again we've slowed things down enough to notice everything that's happening inside of you, So let’s, yeah, like try to look at the situation maybe a little differently than you were feeling when you wrote it. Because, when I read your question, I didn’t actually think you're asking about consequences.

I think you're really asking about leadership. You're asking, "What is my job here?"

And that's such an important question because middle school has a way of putting parents in situations where there isn't one obvious right answer.

If you send the email, something is gained and something is lost. If you don't send the email, something is gained and something is lost.

That's what makes these moments so challenging.

Parenting a middle schooler often means choosing between two imperfect options and then wondering afterward if you made the right call.

So let's zoom out.

Because I actually think there were four relationships in the room when you were making this decision. The first was your daughter's relationship with volleyball, this new exciting thing. The second was your daughter's relationship with you, the cornerstone of everything. The third was your relationship with yourself and the fourth was your daughter's relationship with herself.

Okay, so when we look at your daughter’s relationship with volleyball, your daughter made a choice.

A very middle school choice.

A friend invitation felt more important than volleyball practice.

That doesn't make your daughter irresponsible or careless.

It makes her a middle schooler, this is a time when friends matter enormously.

Belonging matters. Being included matters and spending time with a friend often feels more immediate and important than something happening tomorrow.

That's developmentally very normal. She made a choice and then experienced the outcome of that choice.

Not because anyone was punishing her or because she needed to suffer. She didn’t “need” to be taught a lesson.

The outcome came because choices and outcomes exist in relationship with one another. That's simply how the world works.

Okay, we’ll move to your relationship with your daughter.

This is where I think many parents get tangled. We start behaving in a way that equates connection with protecting our children from disappointment.

We start believing that if they're upset with us, we must have done something wrong or that if they're angry, the relationship is somehow in danger. But disappointment and disconnection are not the same thing.

One of the biggest shifts I made in my own parenting was realizing that my children's disappointment is not evidence that I have failed them. It's evidence that they are having a human experience.

Of course your daughter was upset. That game really mattered to her. Of course she wished things had gone differently and she wanted you to fix it.

None of that means your relationship with her was damaged. It means she was disappointed.

Healthy relationships make room for disappointment and for frustration. Healthy relationships make room for moments where someone wishes things had gone differently.

That's not a problem. That's part of being in a real relationship and I think this is especially important to remember during the middle school years because our kids often get louder about their disappointment.

They're more willing to tell us they disagree. They're more willing to tell us they don't like our decisions. That does not mean we're losing them. If anything, it often means they trust the relationship enough to express those feelings.

Let’s slide over to your relationship to yourself.

I think this is the relationship parents often overlook because we make it all about our kids.

Your relationship with your own values, your integrity, and sense of who you want to be. That’s really important.

Sometimes we become so focused on preserving connection with our child that we unintentionally abandon ourselves and children, they don't need parents who abandon themselves.

They need parents who are anchored in who they are. Parents who know what they stand for.

Parents who can say:

"I understand why you want me to do that. I understand why and how that would make your life easier. And, I'm still not going to do it. Not because I'm against you. Not because I'm trying to make your life harder but because that's not aligned with who I want to be as your parent.”

If I were sitting across from you right now having coffee, I’d tell you that I don't think I would have sent the email either.

Not because I think middle schoolers need consequences all the time or because I think suffering builds character.

I don't hang my hat on either of those things. Instead, I’d just say, I don't think I would have sent the email because it wasn't true and I think that matters.

Finally, let’s look at the relationship your daughter has with herself.

This is the relationship I care most about in this situation.

Because ultimately, our goal isn't raising children who simply comply with rules.

Our goal is helping our children develop their own integrity.

Helping them become people who can navigate the world with honesty, self-awareness, accountability, and self-respect.

One day your daughter won't have you standing beside her helping her make these decisions.

She'll be making them herself.

And what you’re building toward isn't perfection. It isn’t her always making the exact right choice, but it’s self trust.

The ability to look at a situation and have her say: "I made that choice, I wish I had made a different choice, I don't love the outcome, and I can still be honest about what happened."

That's powerful.

The opportunity here isn't for your daughter to learn that actions have consequences.

Life will teach that lesson over and over again.

The opportunity here with parenting your daughter is for your daughter to learn:

I can tell the truth.

I can own my choices.

I can repair when I need to.

I can survive disappointment.

I can make a mistake without turning it into a story about who I am.

Those are life skills, relationship skills, and integrity skills. Those are the kinds of skills that help a person really really begin to trust themselves.

So, what would I focus on right now if I were you?

Now, here's the part I think matters most. Not whether you sent the email. Not whether she missed the game. Not whether she learned a lesson.

What matters most is what happens next because this is where REPAIR comes in.

One of the things I say all the time is that relational ruptures are part of real relationships. You, my dear, are a human in a real relationship with your child.

Of course there will be moments where she disagrees with you and moments where she wishes you had made a different choice. She will absolutely get frustrated with you.  That doesn't mean anything has gone wrong. It means you're in a relationship. The goal isn't avoiding rupture. The goal is to always come back together afterward.

So, when we think about REPAIR, it’s not that you as a parent have done anything overtly wrong, but it’s worth coming back to because you two had a moment where there was a rupture.

So, once things have settled down a bit, you might circle back and say:

"Hey, I've been thinking about the volleyball game."

Pause. Give her some space to respond if she wants to.

And then you can say:

"I know you were really disappointed."

"I know that game mattered to you."

"I know you wished I had made a different choice."

Notice what you're not doing there. You're not defending yourself, you're not re-arguing your position, and you're not trying to convince her of anything. You don’t need to convince your daughter that you were right in not sending an email.

You're simply stepping into her experience.

Then you might say:

"I don't regret my decision, and I care a lot about how hard that felt for you."

I love that sentence because it holds two truths at the same time. You can stay connected to your values and stay connected to your daughter. Those are not competing goals.

Then, if she's open to it, you might ask:

"What was that experience like for you?"

Or:

"If you could go back, what do you think you'd do differently?"

Not because you're looking for a specific thing for her to answer or you’re trying to teach a certain lesson. But because curiosity helps kids develop self-awareness and self-awareness that’s where growth actually happens.

One final thought here. So, as I read your question, what stood out to me most wasn't the volleyball game.

It was how much love was woven into every part of your email.

I can hear how proud you are of your daughter. You even started the email with that. I can hear how much you wanted to protect her and how seriously you take your role as her parent. I can hear how much you care about your relationship with her. Those things matter.

So I want to leave you with one final reminder:

A disappointed child is not a disconnected child. A middle schooler who wishes you had made a different decision is still deeply attached to you.

You are incredibly important to her. More important than she can even articulate right now and more important than she sometimes realizes because you’re such a constant presence in her life.

This one moment is not going to define your entire relationship. It's simply one moment in a long, beautiful relationship that will include mistakes, disappointment, repair, and coming back together. And that's not a sign that something has gone wrong. That's what real relationships look like.

So, before we wrap up, I want to mention something.

One, I want to say a huge thank you to the mom who sent this in.

And then I also want to tell everyone listening and you’re finding yourself wishing you had more language for moments like this, because this was specific but I was also very broad to parenting middle schoolers in general. I did create a little something called Unbreakable Bond: Middle School Edition.

And, one of the things we touched on today was something I call the UPDATE method. Before we decide what to do in situations with our child, we slow down and notice what's happening inside of us.

That's just one of four parts of my Steady + Connected Parenting framework.

So inside this Unbreakable Bond, is just like very short videos. I teach the entire framework and walk you through many of the situations that tend to leave middle school parents feeling stuck, things like disrespect, technology, friendships, responsibility, motivation, siblings, all of those type of things.

It's practical, it's really affordable, and most importantly, it's designed to help you feel steadier in one of the most important relationships in your life.

I’m going to put a link in the show notes if you'd like to learn more. And, whether you join me there or simply come back next week, I'm so so glad you’re listening.

I have so much admiration for the parent you are. I want to remind you that middle schoolers aren't asking us to be perfect parents. That’s not even possible, that's creepy actually. 

This is a complex time of growth and change and essentially middle schoolers are quietly asking questions like: do you like me as I'm changing? Will you come back to me even when things get hard or it looks like I’m pushing you away?

So, the way we answer those questions as their parent, over and over again, that’s what’s going to shape the relationship.

And they're not looking for me as their parent. They're not looking for some imaginary "perfect" parent you've likely created in your mind. They want you . . . real, human, imperfect, and present. They love you. Your willingness to show up as yourself gives your middle schooler permission to be imperfectly perfect too.

I'll see you next time.