“I Hate you!!” (exactly what to do when your middle schooler says something cruel)

When your middle schooler says, "I hate you," it hurts.

Whether they say it once in a moment of frustration or it has become a daily pattern, those words can leave you wondering:

Am I doing something wrong?
Should I ignore it?
How do I stop this without pushing my child further away?

In this episode, I'm answering one parent's heartfelt question about a middle schooler who tells her parents and younger sibling, "I hate you," every single day.

We'll talk about what's likely happening underneath those words and, more importantly, what you can actually do about it.

Inside this episode, you'll learn:

• Why "I hate you" is almost never about hate
• The first step parents can't afford to skip before responding
• How to have a calm, connection-centered conversation outside the moment
• What to say (and do) when it happens again
• Why boundaries and connection must work together
• How to protect younger siblings without shaming your middle schooler
• How to help your child replace hurtful words with healthier ways of expressing big feelings

This isn't about excusing hurtful behavior. It's about leading your child with steadiness while helping them build the relational skills they'll use for the rest of their lives.

Because your middle schooler isn't just learning how to manage emotions. They're learning how to stay connected to the people they love when those emotions get big.

If this episode resonates with you, I'd love to continue supporting you. My Steady + Connected Parenting Workshops dive deeper into the topics middle school parents ask about most often, with practical tools you can start using right away. 

Go here to be the first to hear about upcoming workshops: https://kermorris.myflodesk.com/parentingworkshops

You can find me on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/bridget.parentcoach/

The Ultimate Middle School Parent Survival Toolkit is here: https://bridgetparentco.samcart.com/products/ultimate-toolkit

Transcript

Hello, my dears. I'm so glad you're here.

Today we're going to do something a little different. Instead of talking broadly about a parenting topic, I'm going to coach one parent through a really specific question, step by step because sometimes that's what we need.

Not ten ideas. Not a long list of things to try.

Just someone to say, "Start here."

This is one of those episodes.

And before I read today's question, I want to tell you where we're headed.

We're going to work on two things at the same time. We're going to protect this family from a pattern that's hurting everyone. And we're going to protect this middle schooler from getting stuck in a way of expressing herself that isn't serving her.

Because this is an episode about a child telling the people she loves most, "I hate you," every single day...

When I think about this middle schooler, I know for sure that when she says that . . . she’s not just hurting the people around her.

It hurts her too.

She’s not necessarily feeling that in the moment. But over time, as she begins seeing herself as someone who hurts the people closest to her . . . that’s going to feel pretty terrible . . . 

None of us want to become someone who regularly hurts the people we love.

This includes kids. Our kids don't want to become people who hurt people. They just don't always have the skills to do something different yet.

And that's where we come in.

Our job isn't just to stop the words. Our job is to teach the skills that eventually replace them.

So let's jump in.

Here's today's question.

"My middle schooler says 'I hate you' to me, my husband, and her little brother every single day and it is SO hurtful. We try to talk to her about it and she says she doesn't care . . . but I know she does. How do I handle this while protecting my younger child and staying connected with my middle schooler? She never wants to talk about it."

First..I want to say two things that are both true.

This makes sense developmentally.

And...

It's something we're going to take seriously and address.

Those two things belong together.

Understanding your child doesn't mean looking the other way. And leadership doesn't mean abandoning understanding. We're going to need both today.

Before we get into the steps, let's spend just a minute talking about what's likely happening underneath this.

When a middle schooler says, "I hate you," it's almost never about hate. It's usually a fast, protective way of expressing something that feels overwhelming... vulnerable... frustrating... or simply too hard to put into words.

One of the things I've noticed over the years is that the kids who say these kinds of things most often are frequently the ones who are the most tethered to their families. That closeness matters deeply to them. And because it matters so much, it can also feel really vulnerable for them to grow and change during the adolescent years. They become acutely sensitive to whether the people in their lives still like them.

If your middle schooler feels things deeply or reacts quickly, this may simply be her nervous system trying to discharge something really big before she has the skills to express it in a different way.

You might also keep something like rejection sensitivity dysphoria, or RSD, in the back of your mind. It's not a clinical diagnosis, but it's a term many people use to describe an experience where emotional moments feel especially intense. For some kids, those feelings come on fast, and their reactions come out just as quickly.

But here's what I don't want you to get hung up on. You don't have to figure out exactly why this is happening before you can respond well. You don't need the perfect explanation. You need a plan. And that's what we're going to build together.

We're going to interrupt this pattern We're going to protect these relationships. And we're going to help your daughter learn how to bring what's underneath those words instead of throwing it at the people she loves.

Step One: UPDATE. This is where we begin.

Before we talk about what to say to your middle schooler, we need to talk about you.

I know.

You probably want to skip this part.

You want me to give you the script.

You want me to tell you what consequence to use.

You want to know how to get your child to stop saying, "I hate you."

I promise, we're going to get there. This episode is going to be extremely practical. 

But we can't skip this step. Because if you do, everything that comes next is going to be much harder.

And, here's why.

When your child says, "I hate you," every single day, something is going to happen inside of you.

You're human. You're in a real relationship with your child. Of course you’re going to have feelings about it.

Maybe it's hurt.

Maybe it's anger.

Maybe it's fear.

Maybe it's the thought, "Who is my child becoming?"

Maybe it's urgency.

"I've got to stop this right now."

Maybe it's even grief.

"I miss my sweet kid."

Whatever comes up...

I want you to know something. It makes sense. You do not have to pretend this doesn't hurt.

In fact, I think that's where a lot of parenting advice gets it wrong.

Parents are often told, "Don't take it personally." And I gently disagree.

It does land personally. Because you love your child. Because this relationship matters. Because hearing, "I hate you," from someone you would do anything for hurts.

The goal is not to stop feeling hurt. The goal is to notice your hurt with honesty and compassion so it doesn't start leading the interaction.

This is where self-compassion becomes non-negotiable. Not because it's nice. Because it's necessary.

You might simply notice and acknowledge to yourself:

• "Ouch. That really landed."
• "My chest feels tight."
• "I feel angry."
• "I want to shut this down immediately."
• "I'm scared about what this means."

I want you to see that we're not trying to talk ourselves out of those feelings.

We're not saying, "I shouldn't feel this way."

We're not saying, "It's fine."

We're telling ourselves the truth and then we're responding to ourselves with kindness.

• "Of course this hurts."
• "Of course I'm activated."
• "I'm a good parent in a really hard moment."

Because here's what I know. If you don't acknowledge what's happening inside of you, it doesn't disappear. It comes out sideways.

• It comes out in your tone.
• It comes out in the lecture.
• It comes out in the consequence that's bigger than you intended.
• It comes out in withdrawing from your child because your heart is trying to protect itself.

You don’t need to force yourself to become perfectly calm. This is about becoming aware enough that you can lead yourself before you try to lead your child. Because your middle schooler doesn't need a parent who never gets hurt. She needs a parent who knows how to be hurt...and still stay steady.

That's leadership. And that's where we're going next.

Step Two: Have the conversation.

This is not in the heat of the moment. Not right after she says, "I hate you."

Have this later when everyone has settled.

This is where you step into leadership. And I want to be really clear about something because I know you shared, "She won't talk to me." I believe you.

And, at the same time, talking about it is not optional.

I'm not saying your daughter has to pour her heart out or she has to be excited about the conversation. What I'm saying is that learning how to talk about the hard things is one of the most important relational skills she'll ever build. And she's going to learn that skill with you.

So you might say something like, "Hey, I've been noticing a pattern, and we need to talk about it."

Pause.

"I'm not here because I'm mad at you. I'm here because how we talk to each other in this family really matters."

"You don't have to want to have this conversation...but you do have to come to the table with me."

That's leadership. It's level-headed. It's clear. And it's not threatening.

Then simply name what you're seeing.

"I've noticed that 'I hate you' has been coming out a lot. To me. To Dad. To your little brother."

And then I want you to tell her what you're making meaning of as her parent.

Not, "You're being disrespectful."

Not, "You're breaking my heart."

Instead, something like,

"When I hear those words over and over, it tells me something feels really yucky inside of you."

"You're really important to me. My job isn't just to stop the words. My job is to help you with whatever is underneath them."

I love that shift because now you're no longer standing across from your child. You're standing beside her, looking together at the problem.

I want to offer an optional but incredibly powerful addition

There's one more thing you might choose to say. And I want to emphasize the word choose because this isn't a script you have to use. But if it's true...it can be incredibly powerful.

You might say,

• "I've also been realizing that I should have stepped in sooner."
• "I've been hoping this would pass, and I don't think that's been fair to you."
• "I'm sorry I haven't helped you with this earlier."
• "I'm going to do a better job supporting you now."

I don't recommend this because I think parents need to carry unnecessary guilt. I recommend it because healthy relationships are built by people who can own their part.

When we repair, we come back into integrity. We stop spending energy defending ourselves, and we start building trust. And yes, we're modeling something really important. We're showing our kids that taking responsibility isn't shameful. It's simply part of being in a close relationship with people we love.

After that, take a beat, and then Listen.

Once you've shared what you've been noticing and reminded your daughter that you're on her team, this is your opportunity to get curious.

Not to interrogate.

Not to convince her she's wrong.

Not to lecture.

Just to understand.

You might say,

"Can you help me understand what happens inside of you right before you say, 'I hate you'? What's going on in those moments?"

Or,

"What do those words mean to you?"

Or simply,

"I'd really like to understand what's underneath it, if you're willing to tell me."

And then… be quiet. Give her room to think. Middle schoolers often need more time than we think.

If she's willing to talk, let her. Really let her.

This is not the time to interrupt, correct details, or defend yourself.

She might tell you her little brother is so annoying she can't stand it.

She might tell you she feels like you expect her to be perfect.

She might tell you everything feels unfair.

She might tell you school is overwhelming.

Or she might say something that feels completely unreasonable.

That's okay.

Remember, you're just trying to understand her experience. Nothing that she says requires a rebuttal from you.

This is also why I recommend having this conversation privately.

Not in front of Dad. Not in front of her little brother. Just the two of you. Because it's much easier to tell the truth when you don't have an audience.

When she's reached a natural stopping point, don't rush into solving. Start by thanking her.

"Thank you for telling me."

"I'm really glad you let me into your world a little bit."

That alone is powerful.

Then reflect back what you heard.

"It sounds like you've been feeling really overwhelmed."

Or,

"I can understand why that would feel frustrating."

Notice what you're doing. You're not agreeing with every conclusion she came to. You're communicating,

"I understand how you got there."

Those are two very different things.

Then, if there's something that's yours to own as the parent...own it.

Maybe she'll say, "I always feel like I'm disappointing you." And you realize you've been talking about grades more than connection.

Maybe she'll tell you she never gets a break from her younger brother. And you realize you've expected her to tolerate more than is fair.

If there's something that's yours… say it.

• "I'm really glad you told me that."
• "I can see my part in this."
• "I'm sorry."

Not because you're taking responsibility for everything but because healthy relationships are built by people who can recognize the places they've missed each other.

And then, together, begin thinking about a different path forward. You might ask, "The next time you're that upset, what could you say instead of, 'I hate you'?"

Maybe it's,

• "I'm so mad."
• "Leave me alone."
• "I need a minute."
• "I can't do this right now."

None of those are perfect. But every one of them tells us more about what's happening than, "I hate you."

And if your daughter shrugs…or says she doesn't know... that's okay too. You can brainstorm together.

You're not expecting her to already have the skill.You're helping her build it.

Finally, I want to say something that I think is really important.

If your daughter won't talk...

if she shrugs...

if she says, "I don't know," or "I don't want to,"

don't decide the conversation failed.

It didn't. You still showed her something incredibly important. You showed her that there's an adult in her life who believes those words are coming from somewhere, who isn't interested in shaming her, and who is willing to keep showing up until the two of you figure this out together.

That matters.

Sometimes the first conversation isn't where they tell us everything. Sometimes it's the conversation that makes the second one possible.

And, because I promised to be super practical, here’s what I recommend if she completely shuts down and refuses to engage: 

So, what if she says, "I'm not talking about this."

Stay steady. Don't chase. Don't argue. Don't try to convince.

Just calmly say,

• "You don't have to say everything today."
• "But we are going to keep coming back to this conversation because it's important."
• "We'll figure this out together, one small step at a time."

Notice that you're not making the conversation optional. You're making the pace flexible. Those are two very different things.

And one more thing. If things feel especially tense between the two of you right now… or every attempt to start this conversation immediately turns into a fight...

I actually think it's okay to begin with a note. Or a text.

It’s not at all that hard conversations should always happen through a screen. I still believe, whenever possible, these conversations are best face-to-face. But sometimes a written message gives your child enough emotional space to take in what you're saying without feeling cornered.

It lets them read your words. Put them down. Come back later. Think about them.

So if that's what your relationship needs right now, that's okay. The goal is opening the door to a different pattern and sometimes that can happen via text and be incredibly effective.

Step Three: Interrupt the pattern in the moment.

Now you've had the conversation. You've named what's happening. You’ve made it clear that this matters.

Now comes the part where we respond differently in real time. Because if your daughter says, "I hate you," and everyone just keeps moving...nothing changes.

Patterns don't change because we understand them. Patterns change because someone interrupts them. And in this relationship, that's your job.

So the next time she says, "I hate you."

You don't lecture. You don't shame. You don't match her intensity. You simply remind her of the conversation you've already had.

• "Hey. This is what we talked about."
• "We're not speaking to each other that way."

Then help her find another way to express what's underneath.

• "I can hear that you're upset."
• "Try saying it another way."

Maybe she can't. That's okay. You're planting the seed.

If she escalates, you stay steady. "I'm going to pause this conversation until we can talk without hurting each other."

Notice what you're protecting. You're not protecting yourself from discomfort. You're protecting the relationship. Because relationships deserve protection.

And, if she truly won’t stop with saying, I hate you, or she says more hurtful things, I want to offer that . . . sometimes understanding isn't enough. Sometimes we need a lever.

And before I explain this, I want to be really clear. This is not something you spring on your child in the middle of an argument. This is a plan the two of you talk about ahead of time. Maybe even during that conversation we talked about in Step Two.

You might say,

• "I've been thinking about how hard this pattern has become for both of us."
• "Sometimes when our brains get really escalated, we need something that gets our attention and helps us stop."
• "I've decided that if 'I hate you' keeps coming out after we've talked about it, I’ll give you one warning and if you continue with saying hurtful things in that moment, I'm going to take your phone for twenty minutes."

And then I would immediately explain why.

• "This isn't a punishment."
• "This is a lever I'm going to pull to interrupt a pattern that's hurting our family."
• "One of my most important jobs as your parent is to keep you safe."
• "Part of keeping you safe is helping you learn how to protect your relationships."
• "Right now, these words are hurting your relationships with me, with Dad, and with your little brother."
• "I don't want that for you."
• "So I'm going to interrupt the pattern until we can find a different way."

I think that's such an important distinction. Because punishment is usually about making someone suffer for what they've already done. This is different. This is a brief interruption. A reset. A way of helping your child's brain step out of a groove that's become automatic.

Sometimes parents worry that interrupting a kid who is expressing themselves is controlling. I actually see it differently. I always look through a relational lens and the truth is that humans need humans. Relationships and connection are vital and working on healthier relationship skills will improve our kid’s health.

I look at it as . . . we're helping save our middle schoolers from a pattern that isn't serving them. I don't want this little girl growing into a teenager, then a young adult, then a partner who only knows how to tell the people she loves, 'I hate you,' when she's overwhelmed. That's not who she is. She's building a skill, and the caregivers in her life are going to help her build a relational skill that serves her now and long-term.

So, yes,, when it happens, when she refuses to stop saying “I hate you,” you simply follow through. Unruffled and without a lecture.

• "I'm going to hold onto your phone for twenty minutes."
• "We'll try again afterward."

That's it. You don't need to convince her. You don't need her agreement. You don't need her to think it's fair. You just need to be steady. Because your steadiness is what makes this feel safe instead of unpredictable.

And if she says, "I don't care about this family."

Don't argue. Don't try to prove her wrong.

Just say,

"I hear you."

"And I'm still going to protect you and your relationships with the people in this family because I care so much about you."

Or maybe even more personally,

"I hear you."

"And you are super important to me. We are going to figure this out."

You're not trying to win an argument. You're helping your daughter build relational skills she'll use for the rest of her life and that’s worth every moment of discomfort for you and for her.

Step Four: Build connection alongside the boundary.

This is the part that makes everything else work. Because our goal was never simply to stop the words, "I hate you." The ultimate goal is to help your middle schooler feel safe enough to bring you what's underneath those words instead.

One of the hardest things for parents to remember is that a middle schooler who says, "I hate you," over and over is usually very aware that they're hurting people.

• They know they're being difficult.
• They know they've crossed a line.
• They know they're creating distance.

What often sits underneath that isn't confidence. It's shame. It's the quiet fear, "What if they actually don't like me anymore?" So before anyone else can reject them...they go first.

• "I hate you."
• "I don't care."
• "Leave me alone."

It's a way of pushing people away before they can experience being pushed away themselves. And this is why I talk so much about likability during the middle school years.

Every middle schooler is asking,

"Do you like me...not just love me?"

Most parents are really good at communicating love.

• "I'll always love you."
• "I love you no matter what."

Those messages matter. But middle schoolers are also wondering,

• "Do you enjoy me?"
• "Do you want to spend time with me?"
• "Am I someone you actually like being around?"

And when they're not sure...they often test the relationship in the hardest possible ways.

So while you're holding this boundary...I also want you to become incredibly intentional about communicating your enjoyment of your child. Not because she earned it that day. Not because she behaved perfectly. But because it's true.

Tell her as often as you can:

• "I like you so much."
• "I love hanging out with you."
• "You're so interesting to me."
• "I love how your brain works."
• "I'm really glad I get to be your mom."

Those kinds of comments aren't rewards for good behavior. They're deposits into the relationship.

And then...Come back.

I can't overstate how important this is. If there was a hard interaction this morning...come back this afternoon.

If she yelled before school...sit next to her after dinner.

If she pushed you away...gently move back toward her later.

Not to restart the conversation. Not to get an apology. Just to reconnect.

Sit on the edge of her bed. Watch her show with her. Offer to take the dog for a walk together. Drive somewhere together and let the silence be enough. Ask one small question. Be nearby.

The message underneath your actions is,

• "Our relationship isn't fragile."
• "You don't lose me because you had a hard moment."
• "I'm still here."

This doesn't mean there aren't boundaries. You've already set those. This is what comes alongside the boundary. Because this is how we help interrupt the cycle.

Right now, your daughter may be living inside this pattern: "I'll push you away before you can reject me."

Every time you calmly hold the boundary… and then return with warmth...you're teaching her something different.

• "You can have a hard day."
• "You can make a mistake."
• "You can even hurt this relationship."
• "And we're going to repair it."
• "I'm still here."

That's what begins to change the story she's telling herself.

So don't underestimate the power of simple, low-pressure connection.

Connection doesn't always happen through deep conversations. Sometimes it happens because you folded laundry together. Or watched her favorite show and actually paid attention. Or sat in the same room without asking questions. Or grabbed ice cream on the way home. Or simply noticed something she was excited about and entered her world for a few minutes.

Those ordinary moments tell your middle schooler something extraordinary. "I like being with you."

And when a child begins to believe,

• "I'm liked."
• "I'm wanted."
• "I'm not too much for this relationship."

She no longer has to protect herself in the same way. Over time, she starts bringing you more of what's underneath...instead of throwing, "I hate you," into the middle of the relationship.

Because that's the combination we're after. Clear boundaries that protect the relationship. And steady connection that protects your child.

Step Five: Supporting your younger son.

Before we wrap up, I want to say one thing about younger siblings because I know this parent asked about that too. And truly, I could do an entire episode on being the younger sibling of a middle schooler because there is so much to say.

But for today, I want to leave you with one really important thought. Your job is not to explain away your middle schooler's behavior. Your job is to protect your younger child while helping him make sense of what's happening.

Because when kids don't have an explanation...they make one up.

And very often, the story they make up is, "She says she hates me because there's something wrong with me."

We don't want him carrying that story.

So you might say something like,

• "When your sister says, 'I hate you,' I know those words can feel really big, and they probably hurt."
• "Those words are about her being really upset. They are not about your worth."

And then reassure him,

• "It's Mom and Dad's job to step in when people are hurting each other with their words."
• "We're working on it with her, and we're going to keep helping both of you."

Your younger son doesn't need you to excuse his sister's behavior.

He needs to know that the adults see it...understand it...and are leading. That's what helps him maintain a healthy sense of who he is as he grows alongside a sibling who is gaining the skills to work through big feelings.

As we close...I want to leave you with one final thought.

Your daughter is probably not expressing hate. She's expressing feelings she doesn't yet have the skills to bring to you in a healthier way.

Right now, she's throwing those feelings at the people she loves and your job is to help her learn how to bring them to you instead.

I want you to remember...you are allowed to feel hurt. You are allowed to think, "Ouch. That landed."

Self-compassion as a parent . . . it isn't optional.

But you are also the steady one in this relationship.

And when you combine clear expectations...consistent boundaries...repair...and ongoing connection...you begin to change this pattern.

Not overnight. Not perfectly. But steadily. One day at a time.

I just want to say a huge, heartfelt thank you to the mom who sent in this question. Thank you for trusting me with something so tender.

I know there are so many parents listening who have heard hard words from their middle schooler and wondered, "What do I do with this?" My hope is that today's episode helped you feel a little steadier and a little less alone. Please consider sharing this episode with a family member or friend who is in the thick of the middle years too. And, I’d really appreciate if you could follow the show and, if you’re loving it, leave a 5-star review. 

I really want you all to know that my very favorite part of my work is getting to interact directly with middle school parents so I've started offering workshops on the topics that come up over and over again in this season of parenting. They're practical, relational, and designed to help you feel more confident and connected as you navigate these years.

If you'd like to join me, you'll find the link to the workshop series in the show notes.

And before I go, I just want you to know this: I have so much admiration for the incredible parent you are during these hard, beautiful, messy middle school years. I promise, you’re doing better than you give yourself credit for.

Thank you for being here with me.

I'll see you next week.