Later in Life

Beckie Durfee: An Unexpected Calling

• Broadway Bob

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When Beckie Durfee moved back to her hometown of Alpena, Michigan, she wasn't looking for a new calling. She was looking for a job.

What started as a substitute teaching position led her into special education, a field she never expected to enter and now can't imagine leaving. In this episode, Beckie shares how an unexpected opportunity became a career with purpose, what it's been like to return to school in her 40s, and why it's never too late to start something new.

The conversation also explores the complicated pull of hometowns, the loss of parents, and the friendships that help us navigate life's biggest transitions.

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SPEAKER_01

Welcome to Later in Life, a podcast about reinvention, rediscovery, and the courage to begin again. I'm Bob Bullen. Some friendships have a way of connecting you to every version of yourself. My guest today is one of those people for me. I've known Becky Durfee since we were teenagers. Back when we were nerdy, probably somewhat annoying theater kids with big personalities and plenty to say. Decades later, she's still one of the most loyal people I know. She's easy to talk to, a great listener, and one of those rare people who never forgets a face or a story. Like many of us, Becky's life hasn't always followed a straight line. She's worn a lot of different hats over the years, and the career she ultimately found wasn't the one she originally planned. After moving back to her hometown in northern Michigan, necessity led her to a job in special education. What began as a practical decision became something much bigger. Sometimes we spend years searching for our purpose, and sometimes we stumble right into it. Listening to Becky talk about her students and her work, I think you'll hear why I believe she has found her calling. We also talk about our shared hometown and the complicated relationship so many people have with places that raise them. Small towns shape us in ways we don't always appreciate until much later, and sometimes when we have to move back, and we spend a little bit of time talking about grief. A few years ago, Becky lost her stepfather, who she was very close to. And a few months prior to that, I had also lost my own father. Those losses changed both of us, and we talked candidly about what it was like to navigate that season of life and what we've carried forward and how loss reshapes your understanding of family, home, and yourself. And there's another reason why this conversation feels especially personal. Becky recorded it from the living room of my childhood home. So my mom has recently moved in with my husband and me as we help care for her, and Becky has been helping keep track on the house. Which feels especially fitting for this conversation about friendship, home, and the unexpected turns life takes. One final warning: our northern Michigan accents are out in full force with this one. Oop. This is my conversation with Becky Durfee. Welcome to Later in Life, Becky. I certainly know you very well, but tell people a little bit about who you are, in your own words.

SPEAKER_02

I just look at myself as the average person. I like to do the same things a lot of other people do. Um, I love kayaking and being outdoors, uh, being with my friends. In doing all of those things, I just try to carry with me that I want to be a positive light with the people that are around me. And even when I'm being sarcastic or joking around with people, I still always try to do so in a lighthearted manner and never an attacking manner. That's who I am is someone who wants to be a more positive uh role model in light for all people.

SPEAKER_01

And I think that's one thing about you, Becky, that is so admirable is like you mentioned being a good friend, and you are an excellent friend. And you know, like you can keep connections with people longer than I think a lot of people do because you are really good at like maintaining contact, checking in, following up with people, seeing how people are doing. And I think that's kind of one of the things that's made you successful in a way is that you have a really deep network of people. I mean, the side note that I will say is we recently saw you a couple of weeks ago and we were at an Airbnb, and you're like, hey, I recognize the guy who like who like runs the airbnb. Like everyone knows Becky Durfee. It's and that's a good thing, right? Now let's stop back in time a little bit and talk about how we met and our first impressions of each other because I always find that interesting. So my first memories of you are kind of scattershot. Don't have a lot of memories of like junior high, high school because maybe there's trauma involved of being in the closet. Who knows? Or I might just have a bad memory. But I distinctly remember meeting you for the first time doing theater. You were someone who seemed unflappable. You would you would introduce yourself to anyone. You just seemed like someone who really was super confident. You were excellent in German class. I and I think though I really got to know you as a person as an adult. That's my memory. What about you?

SPEAKER_02

I would agree with that. My first memories of you, the core memories do revolve around being in theater together.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, I remember you in junior high, um, but we were just kind of like classmates that, you know, there I don't think there was much of a connection until later. Um, but you know, I've actually had that experience with other friends too, where later on in life, at some point, we either reconnected or just kind of realized that we had more in common than what we had realized, I guess, as kids. You know, we just weren't in the same circle of friends, maybe as kids or whatnot. It's actually, I think, kind of cool to be able to reconnect and to get to know people better that way. As we've gotten older, I've realized that a lot of people that I've known when I was younger, I might not have really talked to them in high school or anything, but like as we've gotten older, I've realized they're actually really cool people. And in some cases, I'm almost sad I didn't know them sooner.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And what do you think that is about you? Is that something that you were like born with? You seem like someone who's really observant and is always kind of empathetic to everyone around you and kind of can suss out a situation quickly, but also know who your people are and keep them close to you for as long as you possibly can and nurture those relationships. Where do you think that came from?

SPEAKER_02

I think um my parents definitely nurtured me to just be a hospitable person, a caring person. But I also think that other role models in my life help shape that too. The people that I've met along the way, I've I've worn many different hats in my life. Um, I've been an environmental canvasser, I've owned my own bakery, I'm now a teacher, I worked as a business consultant for Subway for a long time. You know, going back to what you said about uh I'm observant, I I do realize that about myself, and it it can sometimes be a curse. There's sometimes I wish just when I notice like negative things around me where I'm just like, man, I wish I could have just kept going with my day and not seen that. And um, I think it's important to be observant of people around you, especially this day and age when we have such a like hostile political environment at times. And I do think that being observant can be helpful.

SPEAKER_01

Now, as you look back at your life up to this point, what are some of those big moments that you think have shaped you?

SPEAKER_02

Leading up to it was the fact that I I did go and live as an exchange student in Germany as a high school student.

SPEAKER_01

Um that must have been so cool. I did too for like a semester be there for like a year, two years.

SPEAKER_02

It was six months. I did like a semester plus some. I think doing that at such a young age gave me the advantage of being able to see a whole other part of the world, not from the eyes of a tourist, but being a student over there. Another big one I think would be moving away from Michigan, um, living in Virginia and Pennsylvania for a while. I was working with Subway at the time, and Subway restaurants helped actually helped me to have a pretty cool experience with being able to travel and do so many different things. So I think the experience of living in new places definitely helped. My mom having a major surgery when I was in my early 30s definitely shaped a lot of things. I had to face mortality at an age that it's not super young, but it's not something you expect when you're about 30, 31 years old. That gave me a new look on life, especially watching my mom like heal through the process and seeing like the new zest for life that she had and how she started like facing fears. Like, for instance, she's afraid of heights, but she started doing things where she could go to the top of a mountain and look over the edge of it and just enjoy it, you know. And good for her, but I'm worried about her heart. It's still very, it was still very inspirational to me that she was willing to face the biggest fears. But I guess so like the way she looks at it is like what else does she have to fear? She already faced death.

SPEAKER_01

So I guess so, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But that experience definitely was eye-opening in ways that I didn't expect to have. While it was scary, I saw a lot of beautiful things come out of it too. Yeah, yeah. And then owning my own bakery, that would be the other big thing I think leading up to this, is taking something that I always loved doing and actually forming a business out of it. And it was very successful. Unfortunately, I got burnt out on it, but yeah, um, it's still an experience that I hold very near, dear to my heart, and I'm more than happy that I had that experience and could prove to myself and that I could do something like that.

SPEAKER_01

So I mean, we would order your uh I think your zucchini bread or maybe your banana bread, probably both. And it was uh it was a vegan bakery, and it was for folks listening. Becky can bake like a motherfucker. It is amazing. And I would imagine, and you tell me if I'm wrong here, is like you took something that you enjoyed so much and turned it into a viable business for a bit, and then it went from a thing you love to a thing you had to do. Yes, I would imagine. And that's so hard when you take a thing you love and turn it into a job because then it can do you have you lost. Do you think it impacted your love of baking in any way?

SPEAKER_02

No, I still love to bake. Um, I just don't have the time currently to do it as much as I would like to.

SPEAKER_01

No, going back to something you said earlier about mortality and the fear that you had when your mother had that big medical event. Um, I know you and I both lost ones very close to us uh over the past couple of years. I lost my dad, you lost your stepfather, who I know you consider to be a father figure. Well, how has that shaped you? What have you learned? I know a lot of my friends over the past, you know, couple of years who are my age, we all lost our dads within like six months of each other. I have about five close friends that lost their dads within six months. And it's so wild to think about that. Not just the timing of it all, but the fact that we were all dealing with kind of similar things at the same time. None of us were prepared, none of us are ready. I don't think you'll ever be ready for that. But I don't feel like it's something that we talk about a lot around that moment in time when you are an adult and then you lose your parents and you have to like step it up and be an adult in a different way. It's so confusing and disorienting. Talk a little bit about what that was like for you.

SPEAKER_02

It it is very odd. It's it's surreal, um, it's painful. But again, in like the hardest of times that people can have, if you're willing to look, there can be amazing things that come out of it. It takes time to be able to see that way and feel that way, and that's okay. Like, we're not supposed to just get over something like that. But yes, I think you're right that we saw our parents like go through this when they were our age. And I almost think like it's just part of the culture back then of you just want to shield the kids from knowing any of that and like worrying about you know mortality and whatnot. But yet now that we're older and we're we've experienced it head on, I don't know. I s I wonder if that isn't a good thing, you know. Like, I almost think we need to be more open about mortality.

SPEAKER_01

I think so. Yeah. Because we create we treat it with such like hushed tones back in the day that it was scary and it's a part of life. I think our generation, the Xennials, are kind of like one of the first generations later in age who are like at a point where therapy wasn't too late for us. Yeah, because we learned what it was, and we learned we learned that it wasn't something, you know. I think people our parents were like, I don't want to talk to a stranger. I don't think your mom's probably like that, because she's pretty forward-thinking, but but like I think a lot of people who are our parents' age are like, I don't want to talk to a stranger, I just deal with myself, the Midwestern stoicness of it all, right? Yep, we can handle it.

SPEAKER_02

But yeah, now that we're here, it's just kind of like wow. Um, I kind of wish I would have been a little bit more prepared for some of this, you know. But at the same time, I'm not like mad about it or anything, you know, it's just it it is sometimes very surreal. I still have moments where it's hard to believe that my stepdad isn't here anymore. For my mom and I and his the his family, we just kind of try to focus on all the things that we loved about him and um remember happy times and laugh about these things and not just cry again. That takes time to get to that point where you're you know you can do that, but I think it it is important to laugh about good things and not just cry when you're missing it, or if you're on as much Lexa Pro as I am, you have no emotions.

SPEAKER_01

So I want to talk about moving back to Alpina and kind of like what that was like. So Alpina is our hometown where we grew up. It's a beautiful like secret of Michigan. People, when they hear of Michigan, they think of Traver City, they think of Holland, Michigan, they think of Detroit, you know, but they don't know about like the sunrise side of Michigan because it's further out and it's not close to Chicago. It's really beautiful. It's a place that is I've called home when I go there. I'm always just like, I miss like how close we are to the lake, but the winters have been really horrible for the past couple of years. But what was that been like, like mentally and physically to come back home?

SPEAKER_02

It's been overall like an absolutely positive experience. Um, it does have it's uh I do have my moments where I miss like the convenience of living elsewhere. Like, for instance, we don't even have a Burger King here anymore. Um, so when it comes when it comes to convenience, it's not exactly what people are looking for. But that's one of the beautiful things about it is as well, is that you really can just get away from everything. Whatever, you know, the tourists that come here and enjoy the summers, or the ones that come to enjoy the winters in snowmobile, you know, they find the um solace and the peacefulness that is Alpina. I would say that the hard part for me, like many small rural towns, uh, it's very conservative, and I don't always, you know, align with that very well. So sometimes I kind of do get a little frustrated with what feels like the majority mentality. But then I meet somebody or I run into a friend in the store or something, and I'm reminded that that is not the majority. It might be it might feel that way because they like to be loud, but I don't really think that is. The majority of people in Alpina are very lovely, just hardworking folks that want to have a, you know, happy life. One of the positive things about it is that because it is a small community where everybody kind of knows everybody when we have had situations like ice storms two winters in a row, and then this year it was followed by flooding. This community really does rally around each other. And I'm always very impressed by that. And um being a teacher now and involved with the schools, I also see how much folks show up for kids here, and that's you know, take a lot of pride in being a part of a community that does so much to make sure that kids feel seen.

SPEAKER_01

Now let's talk about that because that's a big part of your recent story. You know, you recently you became a special education teacher, and I think it's been a fascinating turn of events for you because it seems like you've kind of stumbled into this in some way. I don't think it really was on your radar. I would love to hear you talk about that, but it seems like something that you're really good at, you're really passionate, uh, you're really passionate about, and you really seem to love it. Talk about how this came into your life.

SPEAKER_02

Um, so I moving back, um, one of the things about Alpina is it's not exactly economically like job diverse. Um if you have the right degree and stuff, sure, you can find a job pretty easily doing many things. Um, but if not, you know, it's mostly just hourly low-paying jobs that are available. I started uh looking around at what was available. I decided I would substitute teach. I started out last year with just picking up whatever, you know, classes were available. And then about a week or two into that, a few of the people um at Central Office were aware of who my mom is, and that my mom was a special education teacher for years, and that they know that I helped my mom with a lot of like the extracurricular stuff that she was in charge of, different like after school clubs and stuff. They knew that I had a background where I did work with special needs kids, maybe not as a teacher, but you know, I've helped a lot in that realm. So they asked me if I would take on a long-term subposition uh for a teacher that was going on maternity leave. And she was a resource room teacher. For those listening who don't know what a resource room is, it is the type of special education room where kids, I just pull them out of their class for short periods of time to do like the reading or the math intervention, whatever it might be that they um, and then they go back to class. I said yes, that I would take that on. And because I got to like be with the same students every day, then I got to form those bonds that any teacher would with students. And I quickly realized that I absolutely loved it and I loved I loved the energy in the room. I loved that the kids come and go. I'm somewhat ADHD myself, so the chaos of it was appealing to me in a lot of ways. It ended up being such a great eight weeks that I spent with them that they asked me if I would come back again because they still hadn't filled that position with a certified teacher. In the meantime, I discussed with a few people if there were any grants available for getting my teaching certificate. And it turns out that there were many to choose from. And so I applied and I ended up getting one of the grants, and I'm now in grad school at Central Michigan University. I've now been hired in, so I'm no longer a substitute teacher. I have been hired in by Alpina Public Schools, and I continue to be a resource room teacher.

SPEAKER_01

That's amazing. What's it like going back to school in your mid-40s?

SPEAKER_02

At first, it was absolutely terrifying. Like I kept thinking to myself, how am I gonna do this? How? Like I have so much to learn with like taking on a classroom for the entire year, not to mention I had just gotten a divorce. So my mind was kind of like, um, I think you might have been off more than you can chew.

SPEAKER_01

But the Becky Durfee story.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. The first few months of the school year uh went on. I uh I adapted. I I figured out a rhythm of like, you know, setting time aside to do homework and making sure that my schedule also included the live sessions so that I could be a part of those. And so it it got easier after a few months. But yes, the first couple of months, irritation would probably be a good word to describe how I felt a lot of the time.

SPEAKER_01

Just to be a student requires a set of skills that we haven't used in a long time. I mean, do you have assignments that you have to do?

SPEAKER_02

Yes. Yeah, I have assignments and you know, I have to read the syllabus and The beginning of each class, and and because this class is designed for teachers who are already teaching, it also is just one class at a time, but it's eight weeks. So every night, all of the the subject matter that other college students are learning over an entire semester, I gotta do it in eight weeks. It can get intense at times, but I have also found that my professors are just they're so accommodating. And sometimes I wonder if it is because they're also special education teachers. So they already they already have the mindset of like, okay, these students might not be special ed students that I'm teaching right now. However, I bet some of them do have ADHD, or some of them might have like a reading disability or a writing disability, and they accommodate all of that, you know, and they do so in such a graceful and kind manner. And they really do model what we need to be doing as special ed teachers. So for the most part, I really like my college experience, but that first couple of months was tough. It it really was.

SPEAKER_01

Well, you did a lot, like you said, you were starting, you're starting up in a big, big way. How have you found balance?

SPEAKER_02

I really do think one of the most important things is I started to learn that I can't take my work home with me every night because that's kind of a curse that a lot of teachers uh seem to have is, you know, we we didn't get a chance to get it done because there was something going on with the kids earlier. So we'll just take it home with us. I learned that I could not do that every day. Some days is fine. I also learned to just make time to do other things, like buy those theater tickets to go see the civic theater show, you know. Um, or yes, make those dinner plans for the weekend with friends. Yes, go walk and plant flowers with my mom. Those little things like really do help make it feel like it's not so much because they it it forces me to take breaks from and treat those things with as much priority as you would the other things. Yeah, it's easy to just get wrapped up in everything and forget, like, oh, I'm supposed to be a friend and a daughter, and you know, whatever else the money had the like.

SPEAKER_01

So what's it like being a full-time special education teacher? I mean, you've told me stories. I know that we can't talk about your students because of the confidentiality and privacy reasons, but in general, like what's it what's it been like? I know it's been fulfilling, but like give me the real kind of experience for someone who might be considering this as a career option or you know, taking on the the teaching profession later in your in your career journey.

SPEAKER_02

Like you said, for the most part, it's very fulfill uh fulfilling. There are days though that are going to be hard, and I don't think sugarcoating that is gonna be helpful to anybody. Children's disabilities can range from just being maybe a slight reading disability or math disability to they need help with every single thing that they do throughout the day, including toileting and feeding. It's important to keep in mind that for someone who might be considering this field, that you can go into it saying, okay, I have a certification in cognitive impairment, but depending on what school you work at, you might not have a lot of cognitively impaired students. You might have emotionally impaired students, you might have students with ASD, you have students with severe ADHD where they're constantly bouncing off the walls. Anyone considering it should know that they are going to have a wide range of students and not only in their disabilities, but in their income levels. Um, there's you know cultural differences that need to be taken into consideration. If you're going to be a special ed teacher, you have to have empathy. You have to have a really good sense of empathy because these kids, while the passerby might think, like, oh, that kid's throwing a fit. They don't realize that that kid, you know, isn't just throwing a fit. Like that kid just went through like a very traumatic experience, and they're just trying to get through their school day, and they can't do it perfectly. They cannot be that perfect student that day. Yeah. Because it's just too much on their plate already. And so they're not trying to be bad, they're not trying to be the troublemaker necessarily, they're not trying to misbehave. It's that they literally can't handle another thing. But then there's also those days where everything starts to click for a kid, you're teething in the middle of teaching them, and all of a sudden they just start surprising you with all this knowledge that you had no idea that they even had, you know, and so those moments are just like the most beautiful thing, and sometimes really do make me cry. Another thing, I guess, to keep in mind is just that there's a lot of advocacy that is included with this job. You don't just go in and teach, you really do need to be their cheerleader and be like in their corner because there's going to be times where a new need might come up, for instance, and not everybody at the table making the decisions might agree on what we do to solve that need. I have had times where I don't agree, and it's because I felt like that child's interest wasn't being taken seriously. Even if it feels uncomfortable, you have to just push through that and remind yourself that while the problem solving is happening, even if it gets uncomfortable, you're doing it because you have to be the voice for a child who can't be their own voice. And that might even include their parents. Their parents might not know how to fight for what the child needs. So, as their teet special ed teacher, I truly feel it is my job to make sure that if I think the student or their family isn't getting a fair shake at the table, then I'm going to be the one to make sure that they do.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and that's not only a lot to take on mentally, but also emotionally. This is some heavy stuff that you're dealing with. And uh, how do you take care of yourself? What do you do?

SPEAKER_02

I'll admit there's been a couple of days that I didn't handle it so well. I really was just fully sobbing and in tears. I have a few people, you know, that are my mentors that I can talk to about this, and they've helped me to kind of change my mindset. Like, for instance, I've had a few students that I know about that, you know, their home lives absolutely suck. I worry about them when they're not at school because I'm fully aware that school is their safe space. As I was talking with my mentors, one of them noticed something, and that in my in my language as I'm speaking about this, I was very heavily concentrating on the like what I can't do to help the situation. And they helped me to see that I needed to change my mindset to yes, it is terrible what's happening to this student. However, what can I do to make it better? You know, and so we walked through some of those things. We actually made a list together of all the things that I can do to control the situation or make it better or continue to be that safe person for that student. I think it's important for special ed teachers to find those mentors, those those teachers that have been through it all. They've been here for like 20 plus years. Find that person that you can talk to about things like that because it really does help.

SPEAKER_01

What do you think all of your experiences leading up to this point? Because this feels correct me if I'm wrong, but this feels maybe like your career path for a while. I mean, you're getting your master's degree in it after all. So I would assume it would be. What do you think all of your experiences leading up to this have taught you?

SPEAKER_02

Empathy for one thing. Also, I really do look at things from a different lens. Our school is definitely not what I would call culturally diverse. So when we do have the students that are of color or of a different religious background of LGBTQ community, being in the position I'm in now, uh it allows me to be a better advocate for them, not just for them, but for the people around me where they might, it they might not stop to think about like, oh, I have a black kid in my class this year. Let me make sure I have some books that have people of color in them so that there's representation. Just little things like that, I think, make the difference. And I think that helps me be a better teacher that I've learned things like that along the way. Representation definitely matters. Having a safe space for anybody, you know, for any kid of any background matters. And then I would say even some of the traumatic experiences that I've had throughout my life help me to be better understanding and allow me to put myself in someone else's shoes, including my student.

SPEAKER_01

It's beautifully and well said. If someone were to come to you, and not just necessarily around taking on a new career shift around special education, but just anything and said, It's too late for me. What would you say to them?

SPEAKER_02

That's a ridiculous statement.

SPEAKER_01

And then you laugh on their face.

SPEAKER_02

I would, I would. You know me well. But I would follow it up with an explanation, of course. But it is never too late to do anything. I uh truly believe that nobody is put on this earth just to do one thing. Of course, the people who figure out what they really want to do with their career at an early age and they do it their whole life, like that's awesome. I I'm not downplaying that that's you know amazing that they had that all figured out.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I also just don't think like even those people that have figured that out, now that I'm older, I'm realizing that they also know that they're more than just a teacher or the retired doctor or the you know, a lawyer. They realize that they might their gift of art or their gift of music that they might have, you know, leads them a different path later in life, too. I also just think that experiencing many different things, there's always lessons to be learned. Some of the things that I've learned as owning my own business helps me as a teacher when my kids have questions because they might ask something about like or say something like when I'm older, I want to have um my own uh mechanic shop. And you know, that gives me the opportunity to say, okay, well, that's why this math is important. I just don't for me, it's just it's hard for me to even fathom I can't do that because I'm older now. Like, sure, there might be some circumstances where youth might be a factor, like being a professional athlete or something like that. But aside from those few exceptions, I just say if you want to do it, I mean, am I allowed to swear on this thing?

SPEAKER_01

Go for it.

SPEAKER_02

Just go for it.

SPEAKER_01

Just fucking do it.

SPEAKER_02

Just fucking do it, and find people who actually believe in you to cheer you on while you're doing it. Don't don't let yourself be surrounded by people who are just gonna be like, ah, that's a waste of your time or whatever.

SPEAKER_01

That's the thing that the conversations I have had with other people on this podcast, they've all they've said a few things, and one of the big things is surround yourself with people who are gonna lift you up because there's a lot of people who will tell you no, and you don't need people in your corner telling you no, you need people who will cheer you on and keep you realistic too. And one final question for you if you were to title the chapter of your book that which is this phase of your life, what would that title be?

SPEAKER_00

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02

Not to sound cliche, but the song does have a lot of meaning in my life. So maybe something to the effect of like on the road again. Something like that.

SPEAKER_01

Now, a few days after we recorded this, Becky texted me and said, I wish I could retract my chapter name. It occurred to me afterwards that at this point in my life would be more fitting. It's my favorite Tracy Chapman song, and it just suits me. She said she had just listened to it for the first time in a while. And she got chills. It's one of the most beautiful folk songs. And by the way, Becky, Tracy Chapman was one of my dad's favorite artists. Thank you for listening. Later in Life is edited, produced, and hosted by me, Bob Bullen. Cover art by Rachel Joyce, theme music by Rocky Patera. If you like what you're hearing, please consider leaving us a review and rating on Apple Podcasts. Helps a lot out for a new podcast. And if you have any stories to share that fit the vibe, email me at thobroadwaybob at gmail.com. And remember, it's never too late.