The Affair That Saved Us: Episode 4 Separation - The Space That Saved Us

Everyone treats separation like the point of no return. Amber and Arly used to believe that too. Then, Amber packed his bag and put it in his hands. This episode: the two separations, the lie that hurt more than the affair, and why the space between them is what gave their marriage a chance.

The Affair That Saved Us is hosted by Amber and Arly . They’re a real couple sharing a real story. This podcast is not a substitute for professional therapy or counseling. If you or someone you love is navigating infidelity, we encourage you to seek support from a qualified professional.

Whatever your piece of this looks like, you're not as alone in it as it feels.

Have a question, a story, or something you want us to talk about? We want to hear from you. info@theaffairthatsavedus.com

If you're ready to work with Arly one-on-one, scheduling is available at arlysmart.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

It was July fifteenth. Um, I had I remember I had asked you one question, and the only question left. It was her or me. And you just stood there in our house, in the life we had built, with our children down the hall, and you couldn't even answer it. You couldn't choose. So I chose for you, and I got your bag out and I started packing it, your clothes, your things. And honestly, I don't remember deciding to do it. I just remember my hands moving. My whole life was cracking open and my hands were folding your shirts. I put the bag in your hands and you walked out the door. People will tell you that's the moment that a marriage ends. But I'm here to tell you it's the moment mine started to actually have a chance.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Welcome to the Affair That Saved Us podcast. In this episode, Arlie and Amber share their unique perspectives and what may have been the turning point on their journey of healing. If you're in the middle of the wreckage of infidelity right now, what you're about to hear may bring some things up. That's okay. You're in the right place.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

So today we're talking about the thing everyone is completely terrified of, and that is separation. Because when you find out about an affair, everyone around you has an opinion, and almost all of them treat separation like it's the point of no return. Like the moment somebody packs a bag, you've given up. And you know, at one time I believed a version of that too. Um, probably right up until I was the one doing the packing. And here's what I know now on the other side of it. The separation didn't end our marriage. The affair is what almost ended our marriage. And the separation is the reason there was anything actually left to save. So let me tell you what living in that house had become. Because unless you've been inside it, you can't imagine it. I just remember my body would react to seeing your face. I mean, just looking at your face. And it wasn't my feelings, it was in my body. Yeah. And before I had a single thought, my chest would tighten, my stomach would drop, and I could not trust anything that came out of your mouth. And I mean anything. You could tell me something that had nothing to do with the affair, something just completely ordinary, and my whole system would say, Why?

unknown 2:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

And the way I describe it now would be this um finally understood that it was as if I was still lying down next to the lion that had mauled me every day, and then wondering why I couldn't heal. And the reality is, is because that's what betrayal is. It's trauma. And your system, your nervous system doesn't know the difference between a lion and a husband. It just knows the source of the injury is three feet away from my body, and it keeps it kept the alarm going. And I remember it all day, all night. I couldn't grieve, I couldn't think, I couldn't make sense of my own life while this alarm was going off. So this is what separation actually is. It's not a punishment, it's not a verdict. It's distance from the daily trauma triggers. I like to think of it as a reset button on an overactive nervous system. It gives the betrayed partner room to actually do some grieving without pressure, and it gives the unfaithful partner the one thing words can actually never give, and that is a chance to demonstrate accountability and patience instead of just promising it. Because here's the part of our story most people don't know. We didn't separate once. We actually separated twice. The first time was July 15th, and that was the ultimatum, the bag, the door. And that separation was pure rage and hurt. And being around you felt like absolutely just maddening. Nothing made sense. I couldn't make sense of anything. Not you, myself, not one single piece of my life. I wasn't even executing a plan per se. I was just on fire. And then in October, I found out about the lie. Um, that night, July 15th, the very night I kicked you out, you went to her, you spent the night with your affair partner, and when I asked you, you looked at me straight in the face, directly in the eyes, and told me you didn't. And I want you, the listener, to hear this because people underestimate it every time. It wasn't the affair that did the deepest damage. It was what I refer to as the drip, the discoveries after the discovery. You just when you think you're standing on the bottom, the floor gives again. So we separated a second time, and the second time was nothing like the first. The first was complete rage. The second I would describe as apathy. And I wasn't on fire anymore. I was just done. And there's something almost irreally quiet about done. Rage is still a connection. You're fighting because you still care how it ends. Whereas with apathy, the door is basically essentially closing on its own.

unknown 5:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:43

Yeah. When I think about what led to that first separation, you know, I've got the bag in my hands, and I still couldn't choose. So I did the one thing uh that made it all worse, and I went to my affair partner, spent the night with her at a hotel. And I know that sounds awful because it just is. And looking back, I understand I was caught in something called limerence, this obsessive, um, almost drugged fixation on another person, which I want to be clear, does not excuse my behavior. It just explains how I can watch you pack my bag and still walk out the door. When you asked me point blank if I'd been with her, you know, you told me plainly if if I had, you were done. We were gonna get a divorce. And my objective was simply to survive the conversation. And to do that, it meant I had to lie. And I told you I hadn't been with her. But interestingly, something had changed before we ever met, before that ultimatum. My affair partner had told me she was kind of done with me, and you know, that was hurtful. But at the same time, something had switched in my brain, like scales falling off my eyes. I for the first time saw her clearly, and she wasn't who I'd built her up to be in my head. And for our listeners, you know, if you want to know why that lie did more damage uh than the affair itself, uh, it's because by then, you know, you and I had already started, you know, doing real work to heal. Uh you took an enormous risk letting me back into your heart, not knowing I was still obsessed with someone else. And I chose that person again over you, over the kids, and everything you had already forgiven. I I still get sick uh to my stomach when I think about it. Um going back to my affair partner at that point, knowing exactly what it would cost and who it would hurt, I don't have a gentler word for that than evil. And that's not just like trying to be dramatic. It's just where I've landed it and I'm comfortable with that word. And when the truth came out, I think it was actually September, I watched something in you go quiet. Uh there the anger was gone. It I think you had moved past that. But you I could tell that you were just done. And for the first time, I understood I might have already cost myself everything.

SPEAKER_01 8:27

The second time I was the one who moved out. And the very first thing I did was buy a new bed, new bedding, all of it, things I picked out myself that I wanted, that had no no one else's history in them. And the bed wasn't about sleeping, it was symbolic of me building a life out of my own choices, one thing at a time. And every single one of them was mine. And that space gave my nervous system what it had been begging for. And that was a chance to relax, to finally just stand down. You don't realize how loud the alarm has been until it actually stops. But I would say the biggest thing that changed wasn't um the bed per se, it was this. I finally unattached myself from your healing. And so many betrayed partners become the project manager of their spouse's recovery. You're checking their phone, you're tracking the therapy appointments, you're weighing every ounce of remorse to see if it's enough. And I had stepped out of that job completely. And I still cared for you. I never stopped caring for you. But I I no longer felt responsibility for your healing. And I need you, the listener, to hear that those are two different things. Care and responsibility are not the same thing. You can hold one and put the other one down. So we have children. So it's not like we were able to just go completely silent. We had to communicate, but that's what the communication was. It was simply about the kids, logistics. Um, that boundary definitely held. When I think back, I'll tell you the scariest part because I promised myself I'd be honest on this show. I I wasn't around to see what you were doing anymore. And there was a stretch where I was genuinely afraid that you would take your own life. Yeah. And that fear is real for a lot of people in this spot, and it keeps so many of them from drawing the line. But I remember distinctly telling myself, like, if he chooses that path, that is 100% on him. Yeah. And that your choices belong to you, all of them. And that's what handing your healing back to you actually meant the good choices and the terrible ones.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

Yeah. You know, the first time we separated, you know, I I think if I was to distinguish between the two, the first time I was still fighting for the marriage. Right. So I was alone in this terrible, dirty motel. I was journaling, reading, uh, I was sitting in a men's group with guys who'd done what I'd done, trying to understand how I could have done what I did. I found a lot in Marianne Williamson's work on the ego. Um, during that stretch, it helped, but I was still fighting to keep something. Uh but the second separation wasn't that. The second separation uh was more, I would say, me fighting for my life. I mean, you and the kids had moved into the home we'd been building. I stayed behind in the house we'd raised them in, waiting for it to sell, and suddenly that house went from full to empty overnight. There were, you know, no kids' noises, or it wasn't there was nothing. And that quiet was about the loudest thing I'd ever lived inside. And I saw it in your eyes before uh you ever said it. You were you were done. Every bit of progress we'd made was null and void because of what I'd done and the lie that I had told to protect it. That's when it actually landed that I might have actually cost myself everything permanently. And even though I was there mentally, I still had a choice to make. Uh I could, I could spiral and implode, or I could honor you and I could change anyway with no promise that it would ever earn me anything back. And I started asking questions I'd never asked myself, like, what kind of man do I want to be if this thing is over? And a frightening question of like, what kind of ex-husband do I want to be? How does what uh I do next affect anyone else I ever meet, like a future mate? So during the second separation, I kept doing the work, reading and journaling, going to those groups, showing up for other guys walking the same road. But I discovered that I still had to go deeper. I had to take apart pieces of what I'd been taught my entire life about love and blame and myself. And I think separation provided me with the time and the quiet to go deeper. And one of those pieces was scapegoating. I'd grown up with this idea that something outside of me, call it whatever you want, could take some of the blame for what I did. I had to throw that out completely. Because if something outside of me can be blamed, I'm still vulnerable to it happening again. And my family can never actually feel safe with me. I had to own every single choice, no exceptions, no scapegoats. That's the only way that you and the you and the kids could ever trust that I'd actually done the work and not performed it.

SPEAKER_01 14:02

Yeah, here's the question I was really asking underneath all of it. Um, I remember thinking, I wanted to know if I would even miss you. Yeah. And that's what the separation was for me in the end. It wasn't a punishment, it wasn't a countdown to divorce. It was a test of not being married, like a real honest test drive of the ending to find out whether that was what I actually wanted instead of what fear was telling me to keep. And I think that that only works if you both understand what the space is. And we gave each other space with an understanding that this was just simply a next step and not an indicator that it was over. And that one sentence changes everything about how a separation goes. So, um, in that space, something I couldn't have predicted actually happened. And you dug in and you began the hard work of understanding yourself, why you did what you did. You had to demonstrate being trustworthy day after day with nothing to gain in the moment. And I did my own work with my own heart in my own bed that I picked out, two people just healing separately. Yeah. And it was only after both of us had done that intentionally separately that we found our way back to each other. And I find that people ask me, like, could you two have reconciled without the separation? Um, in other words, if you white-knuckled it under the same roof, doing all that pain in parallel, do you think you would still be married? And I don't think so. I mean, I really don't. Yeah. So let me talk to the person who's listening, who's in it right now. Maybe you found out three weeks ago he's in the guest room. Everyone in your life is telling you something different, and you're terrified that asking him to leave means the marriage is over. And here's what I'd say to you asking for space is not quitting. The affair is the thing that threatens your marriage. The space is just the first honest thing that's happened since. And I'm telling you, cannot think clearly lying next to the lion. You cannot grieve with the alarm going off. And your spouse cannot show you who they're going to be while you're standing over them watching. So give each other space with an understanding that this is a next step, not the end. Just let it be a test of not being married, of what you actually want, of what they actually do when no one's checking. And you might find out that you don't miss them, and that's an answer. And you might find out that you do, and that's an answer too. But either way, you'll be deciding your life from the truth instead of fear, and you deserve that.

SPEAKER_02 17:07

You know, I've told this story enough times to know that the part people actually need to hear uh isn't necessarily the affair. Um it's more about the choices that we face in the aftermath of discovery. If I could go back to that night, I I would have said no. Not to the separation, but to leaving and going to my affair partner. I mean, if I had to do it all over again, worst case, I sleep in my car in the driveway, right? I call a guy from the group, crash on his couch. I mean anything except walking toward the door and and leaving the house. So, and you know, for those listening, that moment, the second she hands you that bag, that's not the end. It's a test. And of course, as I've mentioned, I failed it. Not almost. I mean, I I completely failed it miserably. And interestingly enough, I tell my clients this story, every every client I have, and I because I want them to have a chance I didn't take. Some of them still fail anyway. I mean, even after hearing exactly what it cost me. And I've learned that I can't change anyone's mind. I can't change it for them. I can only tell you the truth. The assignment isn't surviving the separation. It's what you do with it when no one's checking. So go get help. Get honest about what you did. Do the work like no one will ever find out. Because that's the only version of it that means anything.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

If something in today's episode stirred something in you, we'd love to hear from you. You can find us at theaffair that saved us.com. Leave us a question or a comment there. And if you're ready to take a next step, Arlie works directly with couples and individuals navigating infidelity recovery. You can reach him at Arlie at Arlysmart.com to schedule a session. And remember, whatever your piece of this looks like, you're not as alone in it as it feels.