The Weight of What I Could See

Four episodes in and I am more scared than I was before I started. I didn't expect that.

Episode five is about what happens when the jump gets bigger than you. When you can see something clearly, something that matters, something real, and you have no idea if you're the person who can build it.

I'm recording this from the middle of my second jump. No resolution. No landing. Just the weight of what I can see, and the exposure of saying it out loud.

She Jumped Anyway is a podcast for all women in all the ways women exist - however you came to yourself. If you've ever stood at the edge of a life that no longer fits, this is for you. New episodes weekly. Available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and wherever you listen.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Before we begin, I acknowledge the traditional custodians of the lands in which this podcast is created and shared. I pay my respects to elders past and present, and I recognize the enduring strength, wisdom, and resilience of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples. May we come together today and listen with curiosity, courage, and with deep respect as we share stories with one another.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

And let's go and decide the reason why she jumped anywhere.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

There's a version of this I think that changes things for a lot of women. I can see it. I can really see it. And the problem is that I'm standing at the very beginning of it, and I'm doing that very publicly with a microphone. And I've got absolutely nowhere to hide right now. I'm Belinda Hendrickson. This is episode five of She Jumped Anyway. I left on the twenty-seventh of May, and today is the it's Monday, the public holiday uh. And I tried recording this on Friday. I tried for most of the day. I had every possible technical issue that I could come across, uh, despite the fact that with all the previous recordings I ran into no issues. And you know, that was fine. Problem shooting's not the issue. The issue for me was that I was recording an episode whilst I was carrying or I was holding, or perhaps I started to recognize the weight of my vision, and the more that I could see, I just wanted to run away. I felt so exposed. I felt like I had nowhere to run because I've put myself out there publicly sharing videos as content across social media. I've spoken to some close friends and family, and all I wanted to do was escape, dig a hole, and hide. You know, I started thinking, how can I actually retract this? How can I backtrack? How can I undo the conversations that I've had with my friends and family? How can I jump back into something that's really familiar? You know, I started looking at jobs, I saw a couple of jobs pop up that I'd actually be really interested in applying for. And all of this push and pull created so much tension internally for me. I felt so frustrated. I felt embarrassed as well. I know that I can see something right now, and I know I can see something that people around me they can't see it yet. And the gap between the vision that I can see and where I actually am right now, this is on another level of terrifying. You know, this is a jump that I I didn't expect. I started this podcast because I believed that there was a reason for me experiencing what I am now and what I have experienced previously, and I believed that it was worth sharing with others. But somewhere between pressing record on episode one and now in my head, it is so much bigger than me. And you know, I knew it then too. I I knew it then. But now I'm scared. I'm I'm scared of carrying the responsibility. I'm scared about what happens if it doesn't work out. I Yeah, I feel really, really exposed. I've got two episodes that are currently live. I'm contemplating releasing episode three this week. I have a microphone. I don't have the safety net in place just yet. I'm not recording this podcast from the other side. I'm recording it from a place of I'm literally in midair. I am still in that jump. I'm working on so many things in the background at the moment. And I feel enormous excitement, genuine, genuine excitement for what I'm working on because I believe in it so much. I think one of the things that I'd identified when I, you know, was talking with my husband about how I'm feeling at the moment. And I was explaining to him about the recording on Friday night, you know, because of course he knew that something wasn't right with me on Friday, and come Saturday, he just knew how to hold space for me and to make me feel so secure and supported and loved, and there was something in me then that made me realize whilst I'm still feeling all of that internal tension, that despite having put forward a launch date for the first of July, that I was actually meant to jump the gun and release the episodes then and there. So I did. I had a beautiful friend identify that I was jumping anyway, and I hadn't even thought about it. I actually thought perhaps I'm being impulsive, which of course is very on brand for me being ADHD. I just had this sense that if I didn't do it then I might never do it, because I had three weeks until the launch date, and so it started to become clear to me that if I if I didn't actually commit, if I didn't actually hit publish, that perhaps I never would. And I received phenomenal feedback from my friends and from my parents, and I knew then that I'd made the right decision that they should be out in the world and they should have been published when they were. But it didn't make that feeling any easier because that internal tension has remained. I'm still feeling the enormity. I'm sitting here now and I'm re-recording episode four, and I'm getting a fair bit of traction in terms of plays across the episodes, across my Instagram account, and I'm feeling visible. Visible at a time when I'm still very much in the thick of it, in terms of my own experience of leaving my job, and with so much that is still unresolved, and that is on another level terrifying. When I reflected on the recording for episode four, I realized that one of the things that I was doing in order to, I guess, escape that tension was to fall back into old habits of being in the service of others. That the episode was more about me performing than it was about me actually sharing with you how I'm feeling at this stage of my journey after I've jumped from my secure job. You know, it's and it has taken me until today to realise that I'm falling back into that habit of uh wrapping my identity and my worth up in servicing other people, doing something for other people. I had a chat with one of my most beautiful friends, and she said to me last night, What are you doing for yourself? This woman is such a great balance for me because she's just so measured and so calm in comparison to me, and I often take on her advice and suggestions because she's wiser than she even realizes. I've been reflecting on those words since our conversation last night, and I thought, yeah, what what am I doing for me at the moment? And I'm I'm I'm not sure. I'm I feel like I'm going back into one of those spaces again, and I'm gonna need to sit with this one. There's a lot of things that I'm doing in the background, and they bring me incredible joy. I actually love I I love doing my job. I've always loved doing my job, and even working on this, and and where I'd like to take this or what I can see this eventually being. I love working on all of those things because it helps me to work in a way that is really creative, and it almost feels like I get to be in a space that feels like I'm able to look at the world with childlike wonder, and it is just so joyous when I come out the other side and I realise what I've created and I reflect on it and I think holy crap. I don't I don't know that I signed up for this responsibility. I don't even think I imagined what that might look like. I'm conscious that there are other women listening right now and that some of them are standing at their own edge. And while I absolutely hold space for every single one of you, I'm standing with you. I'm just slightly ahead suspended in space. The vision that I can't unsee. It's something that I know what it could become. And I'm I'm scared. I don't know I don't I honestly I honestly don't know yet if I'm the person who can build it. And that's the jump that is inside my second jump. I'm still I'm still scared. I know that I'm meant to be here and I know that I'm meant to keep going. It is it is truly a journey. You know, I wasn't kidding when I said to you on the episode titled day three to buckle up because it really truly is a journey, and I'm grateful to have you come on this journey with me, and to be able to journey along with you too. I'm B and this is She Jumped Anyway.