The Episode I Wasn't Going to Release

This episode almost didn't exist three times over.

I recorded it on a day when everything went wrong technically. Then I sat on it for weeks because releasing it meant you'd know what I'm thinking about building, and knowing that meant I couldn't quietly back away.

Then today happened.

It's out anyway. Because the resistance is usually the sign.

In this episode: the real difference between my two jumps, why survival and sustainability feel nothing alike, and the first hint of something I'm building for women who are standing where I was standing.

She Jumped Anyway is a podcast for all women in all the ways women exist - however you came to yourself. If you've ever stood at the edge of a life that no longer fits, this is for you. New episodes weekly. Available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and wherever you listen.

Transcript

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Before we begin, I acknowledge the traditional custodians of the lands in which this podcast is created and shared. I pay my respects to elders, past and present, and I recognize the enduring strength, wisdom, and resilience of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples. May we come together today and listen with curiosity, courage, and with deep respect as we share stories with one another. This is the episode I almost didn't release. I recorded this so many times, and then I decided maybe I'm not meant to put this out. I was feeling overwhelmed and incredibly vulnerable, and I waited a couple of days and I did another recording, which I had planned to be episode four, which is already uploaded, ready to go. And then after I recorded what was going to be episode five, I went back and re-listened to this. And I decided it needs to have a place. I was crying so hard. I couldn't breathe. I had snot pouring out of my nose. I had my eye makeup all over my favourite jacket. It never came out. I was completely paralyzed. I felt like I might never be able to leave. Like I was stuck forever by one simple terrifying question. How do I survive this financially? That was the first time. This time the same fear came back. It was just as loud and it was just as paralyzing. Except this time, when I actually stopped and I looked at it more clearly, I realized it wasn't even real. I wasn't looking at what was possible. I was looking at a memory. I wonder how many women are trapped right now by the same thing. Not by their actual circumstances, but by the ghost of a fear they carried once before. I'm Belinda Hendrickson. This is episode four of She Jumped Anyway. And it's funny because I feel like the system fails both of these women. You know, I was a woman in my 30s. I had three beautiful boys, and I was a stay-at-home mum. I had no qualifications, and I had absolutely no roadmap. That fear that I was experiencing then that wasn't abstract. That was entirely concrete. You know, how do I feed my children? How do I pay for my home? What support exists, and how do I even find it? What does the government offer someone like me? Where do I start when I don't even know what the questions are to ask? That woman needed someone who knew the system, who could sit beside her and say, here is what's available to you. This is how you access it. You are not without options. I didn't have that person. I had to figure that out alone. While I was in crisis, while I was trying to hold everything else together, which I didn't do terribly well. You know, I spent an inordinate amount of time crying back then. I remember thinking, my kids are going to reflect on this time and say, you remember that time when all mum used to do was cry? Now I don't know if that's what they actually do, but that's how I looked at it. And having to go through that alone, that to me just feels like such an unnecessary cruelty. Looking at version two, and from that perspective of sustainability. So she's now a different woman. She's got qualifications, she's got savings, she's got a career. She's got a whole life she's built and worked for, and now she wants to protect it. That fear looks different from the outside. She doesn't fit the crisis profile. She doesn't look like somebody who needs help. But it's just as paralyzing for her. How do I maintain what I've earned? How do I leap without losing the life that I've worked so hard to build? How do I protect myself financially when everyone assumes I'm fine because I have a job and I have savings and I have a LinkedIn profile? The system has almost nothing for this woman. She falls through every single gap because she doesn't meet the threshold for crisis support. But she's not any less stuck, and she's just as scared, and she's completely alone with it. Both of those women deserve better, and neither of them should have to figure it out on their own. The ghost sphere that I talked about at the beginning of this episode. This time round, I guess, I kept falling back into the memory of that first time. You know, that feeling of paralysis and panic. That feeling of being stuck, and it kept me stuck. Not because my circumstances were the same, but because the feeling was identical. I wasn't looking at what was actually possible. I was looking at every conventional pathway I could think of. So I'm looking at getting a job first. I want to ensure that there are no gaps in my income. I want to eliminate all risk before I even consider moving. I was trying to make that jump completely safe before I even took it. And in doing that, I almost didn't take it at all. So the ghost of an old fear, I feel like that is the most powerful thing that can keep a woman frozen. And we're not talking about it. So what actually helps? You know, we know it's not a hotline, it's not a pamphlet, it's not a generic resource list. It's two things simple and human. The first is emotional. Someone to say, you are going to be okay. Together we can work out what you need. Right now it's unclear, it's uncomfortable, but you're going to get there one step at a time. So not someone to come in and fix everything, not an expert with a clipboard, but a human being who has walked something similar and can hold that uncertainty with you until a time where you can navigate it on your own. The second is really practical. Just having someone who knows the system, someone who can sit beside you in that specific shape of fear, whether that's survival or sustainability, and map what's actually available. Someone who can say, here are your options. Not the conventional ones, not the risk-free ones, your actual options based on your actual circumstances. That person, that thinking partner is what was missing both times formally, accessibly, for free, or at least close to it, regardless of your qualifications or circumstances. Is that gap acceptable? I'm not sure that it is. Building something from exactly this gap from everything I needed and didn't have those times. I'm working on something. But it's coming. And when I can tell you more I will. I will when the time is right. I just want to end with the woman who is listening right now. The woman who is paralyzed not by the emotional decision but by the practical fear of what comes after. I want to tell you that the financial fear is real. It does absolutely deserve to be taken seriously. It's not shallow. It's not unspiritual to need to know how you will survive before you can actually move. That's not weakness, that is wisdom. I want to tell you that the answers do exist. They look different depending on where you're starting from. But they are there. And you don't have to find them alone. And if part of what's keeping you frozen is a ghost, a memory of a fear from another time, another version of your life, then I want to gently invite you to look at it more clearly. I invite you to ask, is this actually my present reality? Or am I trapped by something that's already happened? One step at a time. I promise. You will get there. I'm B. And this is she jumped anyway.