Why we keep attracting the wrong people

In the very first episode of Love Talk with Martis The Love Coach, we're diving into a question so many of us have asked ourselves:

Why do I keep attracting the wrong people?

Through real talk, self-healing insights, and anonymous listener letters, Martis explores the role consistency, self-worth, standards, and emotional availability play in our relationships. We'll discuss why we sometimes hold on to potential, how comparison can make us feel left behind in love, and what it really means to choose yourself.

If you've ever felt exhausted by dating, discouraged by being single, or frustrated by unhealthy relationship patterns, this episode is for you.

💜 Love Gem of the Week
💜 Anonymous Listener Letters
💜 Self-Healing Insights
💜 Weekly Affirmation

Remember: You deserve the love you're looking for.

Submit your anonymous letters for a chance to be featured on a future episode:
https://form.jotform.com/242094425551151

Visit my website here: https://www.martisthelovecoach.com

Follow the podcast:
https://talkswithmartis.buzzsprout.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey, loves, and welcome to your very first official episode of Love Talk with Martisa Love Coach. I'm excited that you are here with me today. Alright, so this podcast is a safe space for like real conversations. We'll talk about love. We'll talk about healing, relationships, self-worth, and everything in between, honestly. So every week on Wednesdays, I'll be answering anonymous listener letters, sharing self-healing gems, helping you build a healthy relationship, of course. And the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. So we're gonna start there. So go grab your coffee, your tea, or your favorite drink, and let's talk about love and self-healing. Alright, so the love gym of the week, um, today's love gym is you don't attract what you want, you attract what you're willing to accept. So sometimes we're attracting the wrong people, and we often question, like, why? Why am I attracting just this type of person or this type of people? And now, when I talk about attracting what you're willing to accept, I'm not just speaking of relationships as in you and one other person, it could be a friendship, it can be um, you know, what you accept in a relationship or new, you know, someone new. But the truth is we're often ignoring the red flags, um, we're settling for things that we don't deserve, um, or we're hoping that someone has potential to become something that in reality they that they never will be. Um, so healing isn't about finding the perfect person, right? It's about becoming healthy enough to recognize when someone is not right for you. Alright, so that is just the love gem of the week for today's Wednesday. Um, so today is Wednesday, um, June the 3rd, and we are gonna get into some letters that I did receive anonymously. Um, two are anonymous, one would like for their name to be read. Perfect. Um, whether you want to be anonymous or not, I am here to give advice. My goal is weekly to give that advice, um, read about two to three letters. Um, it depends on how much I can get through um with my response and just being open and honest. Sometimes I can get carried away, so bear with me. All right, and before we dig into the first letter, I do want to say share this with a friend or family member, co-worker, heck, your boss. Um, no one is too good to hear what they can grow within themselves at, you know, sometimes at self-healing, we we feel like everything's just so amazing that there's nothing we need to change or nothing we need to grow from. But that's not true. Um, even me as a as a professional and an expert in this, I know there's still a lot of growing and and things that I need to work on personally. Um, and that's just you know, what comes with life that comes with adulting, that comes with um being human. All right, love. So let's dig into the first letter. This person um does want to remain anonymous, and um, overall from reading it, I'm just going to label this letter tired of waiting. So this person says, Dear Martisse, I have been talking to a guy for six months. He tells me he loves me, but he disappears for a few days at a time, and I only seem to think that he's interested in me when it's convenient for him. I keep hoping he'll change, but I am exhausted. And am I giving up too soon? Okay, um, again, I labeled this tired of waiting based on what I read um when I first read it. So, what I'm going to say to you is first, thank you for your honesty, and thank you so much for sending a letter. But I want you to ask yourself a question: Are you dating who he is today or who you hope he'll become tomorrow? So, love without consistency creates confusion. So he says he loves you, but then he disappears for days at a time, and then he only seems interested when things are convenient for him. So if someone truly wants to be in your life, they won't disappear and reappear when it's convenient. A healthy relationship, it shouldn't leave you constantly wondering where you stand. That's not healthy at all. I honestly don't believe that's love. Um, sometimes letting go isn't giving up, it's just really choosing you, putting you first, knowing that you are important, and choosing yourself is very much so necessary. You know, one thing I learned over the years is that consistency does matter more than chemistry. Um, I've seen so many people, including myself, at different points in my life, um hold on to someone's potential. Like this person has the potential to be amazing, this person has the potential to be supportive, this person has the potential to be faithful, this person has the potential to be honest. Um, we convince ourselves that if we love them enough and support them enough, or wait long enough, um, or do everything that we're supposed to do in our role, um, they'll become the person that we want them to be. But um, I learned that love shouldn't feel like a guessing game. You you shouldn't have to wonder if someone is going to call. You shouldn't have to wonder if someone is interested. Um, you shouldn't have to constantly chase clarity. Like you shouldn't have to ask the same questions over and over and over again. So the right person may not be the perfect person, but they will be consistent. And I have learned honestly that consistency creates safety, and that's not just in a relationship, that's in your life completely. So, one of the biggest acts of self-love is believing someone's actions over their promises. I'm gonna say that again. Make sure that you are believing someone's actions over their promises because the truth is, I can make promises all day, but am I acting on it? He can make promises every day, but is he acting on it? Alright, now we're gonna go into our second letter. It says, Dear Martisse, I'm 38 years old and I'm single. Everyone around me is married or they're in a serious relationship. I feel like I'm running out of time to find love. How do I stop feeling discouraged? Let me be clear. You're never running out of time to find love. So I know so many people can relate to this, okay, because everyone's social media is a thing, so you see everything on social media from Instagram to TikTok to on the TV, you know, um, to Facebook. You see everything on social media first. Stop comparing yourself to other people. One, and then let's stop comparing timelines. So love is not a race. Um, being single does not mean you're behind. Some people are married and are happy, and some people are dating and still lonely, some people are still healing, which is why they're not dating, and maybe that could be you. Maybe you have not, you know, found the right guy or been proposed to yet or in a serious relationship yet because you're still healing. The goal isn't to find someone quickly, the goal is to find someone healthy. So, like, use this season to learn yourself. I recommend personally to travel and grow, become the version of yourself that you are proud of. And when you do that, right? When you travel, you heal, you grow, the right relationship will complement that part of you. Not complete it, but complement. You don't need to be married to be completed, you don't need to be in a serious relationship to feel completed. Whenever you have that self, that whenever you know your self-worth, being behind everyone else or not being married when everyone else is already married or in a serious relationship will not bother you. I think, like I said earlier, that social media has made this even harder for everyone. So everywhere we look, somebody posting engagement photos or wedding photos, anniversary photos, um, relationship goals. But what we don't see are the struggles behind those scenes. In my relationship, we have things that happen behind the scenes that I do not post on social media, you know why? Because people want you to see the glitz and glamour of a relationship of a marriage, but the truth is every marriage stumbles, every serious relationship stumbles. There's no perfect one. So there were seasons in my own life where I thought things should have happened faster, honestly. Um being transparent, this is my second marriage. I was married one time, got married super young to um the father of my my kids, kids, and so to me, I felt, oh, I got it. I secured it, I got a husband, I'm doing everything right. But we were young, and I had to learn that everybody's journey was not gonna be mine, everybody's journey is gonna be different. Um, there were times in my life where I felt like I should have already been here, I should have already had this because I'm seeing everyone else in my age group doing what I felt like I should have already been doing. But looking back, right, some of the delays in my life were actually me being protected. Sometimes God is preparing you, and sometimes life is teaching you, sometimes healing is also happening, all in that midst. And sometimes what feels like a delay is actually a blessing. I want you to look at it in that way. Never let someone else's timeline make you question your own journey. I want you to remember that you are worth it and you will find your compliment when the time is right for you. Okay, the right relationship should complement your life, not complete it. Please remember that. Alright, so we are gonna get into letter number three. Um, this person decided they did not want to remain anonymous, and that is amazing, too. Um, again, you can remain anonymous or not. Choice is yours. So this person says, They're Martise. I keep attracting emotionally unavailable people. At first they're interested, but eventually they pull away. What am I doing wrong? This is from Sean. Now, Sean, I do apologize. I am not sure if you're a female or male because Sean could be either or, but first I want to say thank you so much for writing into me. Um, and Sean is from Michigan. I want you to know that you may not be attracting emotional unavailable people, you may be just choosing them. So sometimes emotional unavailable people they leave clues early, they're inconsistent, um, they don't communicate clearly, they avoid being vulnerable. Um, but because we're excited and sometimes we get lonely, or sometimes we're hopeful that this is the perfect relationship, we start ignoring those signs early on. The answer is not changing who you're attracting, the answer is changing what you're willing to entertain. All right, so it's not who you're attracting, it's what are you willing to entertain. Because once your standards change, your choices change, and when your choices change, your relationships change, and that is all in one, okay? Not just again, friendship, not just your relationship, but once your standards change, your choices will change. This one is important um to me because I think a lot of us have been there. Sometimes we want like this healthy love, but healthy love can also like also feel really unfamiliar. Sometimes chaos feels exciting, you know, especially when you're young. Uncertainty feels exciting, the chase feels exciting, but peace can sometimes feel boring when we're used to like dysfunction. Um, one of the biggest lessons in life that I've learned is that healing changes what you're attracted to. Um, self-healing changes what you are attracted to. The more you heal, the less you're impressed by missed signals. The more you heal, the less you're willing to settle. Um, the more you heal, the easier it becomes to walk away from things that don't align with what you deserve. Healing doesn't just change your relationship, it helps you change your standards. One thing I do want every listener to remember self-love isn't just a bubble bath and positive affirmations. Um, self-love is boundaries. Self-love is saying no. Self-love is walking away when something no longer serves you. Self-love is choosing your peace, even when your heart wants to hold on to it. That is something I've had to learn myself, and I am still learning. Again, I have been married twice. My current marriage is, I feel like what I had to go through my first marriage to learn to be better for this one. It sounds crazy, but that's the truth. Because I I'm still growing, honestly. But my first marriage, again, I was young, I was still navigating life. I accepted things I feel like I should not have accepted, and maybe he accepted things that he probably should not have accepted, and and that was just both of us learning, I guess, to grow in a relationship. Um, but one thing I always knew that I wanted, right? When I was younger, I always wanted to be married. Why? Because social media and everyone around me is like, get married, have kids, have a career. But the truth is sometimes a lot of our trauma happens when we're younger and we never heal from it, and so because we never heal from it, we take it on into our young adult life, then our adult life, and then we bring it into our relationships. Because the truth is, someone who has or who had an absentee father or an absentee mother growing up, you're gonna be missing something that you probably don't even realize you're gonna be missing, and believe it or not, it will affect those relationships until you heal from it. If someone is listening to this right now, not even knowing that that is one thing that they need to heal from or forgive someone for for, you know what I mean? Like your father wasn't in your life growing up. How can I get past this? Well, it's a lot you can do. The truth is, I do offer relationship coaching and I do offer love coaching, so I'm not gonna go like in depth with what you can do to heal. Um, but I just want you to think on that um anyone who's listening. Now, I also want to be clear that my website is Martise the Lovecoach.com. That's M-A-R-T I S The Lovecoach.com. On that website, you're gonna see four journals. One is a teen journal, which I personally believe is necessary in this world right now for your teenagers, boys and girls. These teenagers are facing a lot, okay? So it's important for them to be able to write about it. Now, when you hear teen journal, when you hear journal, you just think it's a whole bunch of lines to write on. No, my journals are custom made by me. I did every single thing by myself, and every page has a question, and then there's a guidance, okay? There's questions and guidance for your teens to help them navigate life because sometimes our teens do not want to talk to us, honestly, because they feel like, oh, if I talk to my mom and my dad, they might want to you know solve the problem for me instantly, but that's not always the answer. Sometimes our teens just want us to listen and maybe give them heartfelt advice or simply listen. Um, I also have the Love Between Us, which is a couples journal. Now, I will say to my letter number two that um, I'm sorry, not my letter number two, my letter number one. Um, because you said that you know you guys have been dating for six months, and then my letter number three. Um, I think relationship journals might help. I'm sorry, that would just be for my letter number one. I'm sorry, guys, I am going through my letters. So, my letter number one, if you're listening, the Back to Me couple, um, the Love Between Us Couple journal will be perfect for you if you think this relationship is worth fighting for. I want you to implement some of the things that I told you here, okay. I want you to really implement knowing that consistency creates safety, all right. So the Love Between Us is a couple's journal that may work for you and your spouse that you have been dating for six months. Now, the Back to Me journal is what I meant for my letter two and three. That is a self-healing journal. Even you don't have to write in these journals every single day, okay? But these journals are worth it, and they are on my website. All right, so before we go, I want you to repeat after me. All right, I deserve consistency, I deserve honesty, I deserve healthy love. I trust myself to recognize what is meant for me. I release relationships that no longer serve me, and I choose myself. All right. Thank you so much for spending this time with me today. If you like your question featured on a future episode, submit an anonymous letter through my job form, which is posted on all social media platforms. My Instagram is Love with Martisse. My Facebook, TikTok, and YouTube is Martisse the LoveCoach. All right, until next time, keep healing, keep growing, and remember you deserve the love you're looking for. This is Martisse the Love Coach, and I will talk to you again on Friday.