The Conversations That Change Everything...

Letters to the Love Coach Ep 6

Some conversations are uncomfortable... but avoiding them can cost you even more.

This week, I'm answering two heartfelt listener letters about changing dreams in marriage and developing feelings for a best friend. Together, we'll talk about communication, courage, honesty, and why clarity is one of the greatest acts of love.

If you've ever been afraid to ask the hard question because you feared the answer, this episode will remind you that healthy relationships are built on honest conversations, not assumptions.

 💜 Real Conversations. Real Healing. Real Love.

Transcript

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This is love talk. When the truth needs to talk and the heart finds hope.

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Hey loves and welcome to another episode of Love Talk with Martisse the Love Coach. I am excited that you guys are here with me for another beautiful Wednesday. So, as always, this podcast is a safe space for real conversations. We talk about love, we talk about healing, relationships, self-worth, life challenges, and everything in between. Each week, I'll be answering your listener letters, sharing self-healing gems, offering encouragement, and helping you build a healthy relationship. And as always, we're going to start with the relationship you have with yourself. That is the most important one. So whether you're navigating marriage, dating, friendships, grief, parenting, or simply trying to figure out this thing called life, which is could be a blur sometimes. Know that you're always welcome here. So grab your coffee, your tea, or your favorite drink. Get comfortable. Let's talk love.

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Love, talk. Gotta journal in your hand. Do the work on your own, page by page. You ain't walking alone from the edges of the host. See the brand do you do? Trust in the process, let a love come through. We talking boundaries, we talking great space. We talking falling for the right one in the right space. Real talk, soft, hard, hard, steady ground. Just the frequency, baby. Turn the volume of loud.

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Before we dig into our weekly topic, let's take a moment of silence for the two names that's been on every social media platform this week. Um, Nolan Wells and Javea Harris. Um, Nolis Wells was the 18-year-old black male, and Javea Harris was the four-year-old sweet little angel, um, who are now both deceased. So let's take a moment of silence for those two beautiful babies. Now I send my prayers and my love to the families. Um, I know this is so heartbreaking. I am a certified love coach, um, and so I help navigate grief. So if anyone needs to reach out and talk to me, um, just need a vetting session, I am here. My email is CEO at Martisa Lovecoach.com. My website is Martisa Lovecoach.com. Reach out to me if you need me, and that's for anyone. All right, my loves, let's get into our weekly topic. So, have you ever known like deep down that something has changed? But you kept pretending everything was the same. So it could be like your marriage, your friendship, maybe it was someone you were dating, or it could be something within yourself. I mean, you could feel it. The conversations weren't the same, the excitement wasn't the same, the dreams weren't even the same. I mean, something shifted. But instead of talking about it, you kept hoping that things would magically go back to the way they used to be. Well, something I've learned is that hope is beautiful and hope keeps us going. Hope reminds us that tomorrow can always be better. But hope is not a substitute for communication. Sometimes we pray um when we should be also talking, and sometimes we overthink when we should be asking, sometimes we create entire stories in our minds instead of simply having one honest conversation. And I get it because I'm guilty of the same thing. Honest conversations are scary because once you ask the question, you have to be prepared for the answer. Sometimes we're not afraid of speaking, we're afraid of hearing something that changes almost everything. Maybe you're afraid your partner has changed their mind. Maybe you're afraid your friend doesn't feel the same way you do. Maybe you're afraid the answer will hurt. So what we do, instead we wait, we tell ourselves they probably didn't mean it, I'm sure to get better, or maybe I'm overthinking, or they're probably stressed out, or maybe this is just the moment. We become professional excuse makers. Not because we're weak, but because we're trying to protect our hearts. I mean, think about how much energy we spend wondering. What did that mean? Are they upset with me? Do they still love me? Are we okay? Am I imagining this? I mean, that's a lot of energy we're spending just wondering these questions. And while we're busy trying to read minds, the relationships continue to drift apart. Now, people are not mind readers. Your spouse is not, your best friend is not, your boyfriend or girlfriend isn't, your family member is not a mind reader, and neither are you. One of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is expecting people to know what we're feeling or know what we're thinking without us ever saying it out loud. So we start assuming, we start hinting, we get quiet, we drop little clues, we get frustrated when we don't think they're noticing, and then we wonder why they don't understand us. The truth is, you never really told them. I've learned that healthy relationships don't survive because people avoid those difficult, difficult conversations. They survive because people are willing to have those difficult conversations. So those conversations are not gonna be perfect, they're not gonna be without emotion, and they're not gonna happen without fear, but they're gonna happen with honesty, and that honesty it builds trust, and silence builds assumptions. I say that so much because it's true. Assumptions have ended a whole lot of good relationships. Sometimes we avoid the conversations because we're afraid of losing the relationship. For example, my cousin, um, I my cousin, one of my favorite people in the world, she she lives in a whole nother state from me. Me and her, um, well, we stopped talking after all our lives, we've been like best friends. She's been my everything. Um, and then all of a sudden, it was a miscommunication. We just stopped talking, and that was shocking for me, but it wasn't for her because her feelings were valid. Whenever I reached out to her, or no, I actually commented on a post, and then she reached out to me, and we actually had a conversation. And the truth is we saw things differently. Her feelings were 100% valid, but so were mine. The thing is, we start assuming things about each other. Like she assumed one thing, I assume something, but that could have ended a very good relationship, and I refuse to let that happen because I love her. But see, sometimes we avoid the conversation because we're afraid of losing that relationship, and that's what I fear is a lot of problems and a lot of friendships, relationships, family situations. But here's something I want you all to think about. If a relationship can't survive an honest conversation, was it really as healthy as you believed it was? I know the the one might uh the one conversation might sting a little. Let's say that. But I do say it's all worth it. Have that conversation because love isn't just about telling people what they want to hear, sometimes love tells the truth. Life has a way of changing people. Five years ago, you may have wanted one thing, today you may want something totally different. I am actually experiencing that in my professional life as far as my work career outside of my love and life coaching. It's called growth. Sometimes it's beautiful, sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's painful, but it's real. The problem isn't always that people change, the problem is when they start bringing the other person into the conversation. So it's okay to change your mind, it's okay for your dreams to evolve, it's okay for your priorities to shift, but what's not okay is leaving someone you love to figure it out through hints, jokes, or even silence. Your spouse deserves honesty, your best friend deserves honesty. The people you love deserve honesty. Now, the honesty may not always give us the answer that we want. Sometimes it's yes, sometimes it's no, sometimes it's not. I'm not sure. But do you know what hurts even more than hearing no or rejection? Is living in uncertainty. Because uncertainty steals so much peace from us, it keeps us awake at night, it makes you question every single thing, it makes you replay conversations over and over. And before long, you built an entire relationship with assumptions instead of facts. So today's letters, I only chose two because they reminded me of something that's true for every single one of us. At some point in life, love is going to ask us to have a conversation we'd rather avoid. Maybe it's a conversation about marriage, about children, about changing feelings, about boundaries, or maybe it's about friendships. Whatever it is, don't let that fear keep you from having that conversation. Because clarity, even when it's painful, is a gift. Clarity allows you to make decisions. Clarity, it allows you to move forward. Clarity allows healing to begin. Because you can't heal from what you refuse to acknowledge. And I want to leave you with this question. What conversation have you been avoiding? Who do you need to sit down with? What truth have you been carrying that you're too afraid to say out loud? Because maybe, just maybe, the conversation you've been avoiding is the one that changes everything. Alright, let's take a moment to get into these weekly gems before I get into the first letter. Um, and I am only doing two letters today because these two letters to me um it kind of gave me my weekly topic on why I chose this weekly topic for our Wednesday love letters. Um, so let's get into these gems. These are your reminders for the week. So if one speaks to your heart, write it down. Put it in your phone, put it on a sticky note, share it with someone who may need it. All right, our first love gem is the conversations you avoid today often become the regrets you carry tomorrow. Silence may feel easier in the moment, but clarity will always bring you more peace than confusion. Love gem number two. People can't honor needs they don't know you have. Stop expecting people to read your mind. Healthy relationships are built on honest communications, not solid expectations. Alright, love gym number three. Love isn't about saying I love you. Love is making room for difficult conversations with respect, patience, and honesty. Alright, our final gem is sometimes the greatest act of love isn't saying what someone wants to hear, it's being honest enough to tell them the truth. Alright, loves, let's get into these letters. Alright, so our first letter comes from an anonymous listener in Spartanburg, South Carolina. She writes, I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children, and I don't have any of my own. From the beginning of our relationship, we've always talked about having a child together. I've loved and raised his two kids as if they were my own because their mom isn't in the picture. Lately, though, he keeps making comments like, This isn't it. I'm not having any more kids. Or when I bring home my five-month-old nephew, he says, Don't get any ideas. No more babies are coming into this house. Those comments really hurt because they make me feel like the future we talked about no longer exists. I'm starting to wonder if I'm being too sensitive or if I just, or if I should just wait and see if he changes his mind. The truth is, I don't want to end my marriage over wanting a child of my own. I love my husband and I love my family we've built. But I also want to spend the rest of my life. I am sorry, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if, or feeling like I had to give something I've always dreamed of. I'm starting to feel like I'm being left without a choice, and that's heartbreaking. First of all, sis, thank you so much for trusting me with your heart. And as I'm reading your letter, the one thing that stood out to me immediately is this isn't just about having a baby. This is about grieving the future you believe you and your husband were building together. And that's a very different kind of pain. Because when you've entered the marriage, you were just saying, I do, you know, to the present. You were saying I do to the future. You both talked about, and now it feels like the future may be changing, it could be changing without you, and I know that hurts. And I don't want you to feel guilty for admitting that it hurts. Now, I also want to recognize something that deserves to be acknowledged. You say you loved and raised his children as if they were your own because their mother's mother isn't in the picture. That says a lot about who you are as a person, that says a lot about your heart. You didn't separate them into his kids, you embraced them as your family. That is beautiful. That is beautiful, queen. And I hope your husband recognized that gift because not everyone is willing to step into that role with that kind of love you've shown. But as beautiful as that is, it doesn't erase your dream. Wanting to experience pregnancy, wanting to hold your own baby, wanting to create that experience with your husband does not make you selfish, it makes you human. Now, here's why I want to lovingly challenge you. You asked if you're being too sensitive. My answer is gonna be no. Those may sound more like casual comments, but to you, they're hitting a very sensitive place. But they may not be for him. For him, he's just saying comments, but for you, this is very sensitive. And so here's something I've learned and I want to share with you. Sometimes people make jokes because it's easier than having that real conversation, but those comments, those little comments to him are big comments to you. They leave the other person trying to like decode what it really means. And marriage should not feel that way, it should not feel like you're trying to solve a mystery. Now, let me say something to the husbands that are listening, or even the wives that are listening. If you change your mind about something that the two of you once agreed on, please don't make your spouse figure it out through through like hints. Have that conversation. Your spouse deserves that, even if it's uncomfortable, even if you're afraid it'll hurt them, even if you're not sure what the outcome would be. Because honesty is the act of respect. And now says, here's my advice to you don't spend another another year wondering, don't spend another five years hoping, and don't build your future around assumptions. Sit down with your husband today, this weekend, go to dinner, don't have an argument, not after he makes one of those comments, choose a very calm moment. Look him in the eyes and simply say, Honey, can we talk about something that's been heavy on my heart? And then you say, I've noticed some of the comments you've been making about not wanting more children. And then you go into it. When we got married, we talked about having a child together. And I need to understand if your feelings have changed. Notice something. You're not accusing him, you're not attacking him, you're inviting him into a conversation. How he responds will tell you a lot about who your husband is. Listen, listen to him. Don't just respond, but listen to understand. Because maybe his feelings have changed. Maybe he's afraid, maybe his finances, maybe he's overwhelmed. But there's something he hasn't shared with you yet, and you won't know until he acts. And here's something else I want every listener to remember. Neither one of you guys or neither one of them is wrong on how they feel. If he truly decides he doesn't want more children, he's allowed to feel that way. And if she still dreams of becoming a mother, she's allowed to feel that way too. Neither person is wrong. But this is where marriage requires honesty, not assumptions, not avoidance, but honesty. Because love doesn't eliminate difficult conversations. What love does is it creates the space to have them. Now, before I move on, I want to say one thing directly to you. Please, please, please don't convince yourself that the dream, your dream, doesn't matter just because you're you love your husband. Your dream matters, your heart matters, your feeling matters. And whether his answer is yes, no, or I need time to think, you deserve that clarity. Because clarity will allow both of you to make a decision together, and that's what a healthy marriage does. They face the difficult conversations together. Alright, let's get into our final letter. Because I did take up a lot of time. I knew that letter was gonna take some time because it's very personal. Um, uh, before I go into letter number two, really quick, I want to say anyone who knows me um knows that I'm I'm married uh and I have a wife. And and I'm bringing my personal into this, and I hope she doesn't get mad. But my wife, um, she wanted to, she wants to have a child of her own. And for a very long time I was against it because I'm like, my goodness, my kids are almost grown. I'm about to start living life. Then I think about finances, and I think about room and the house, and then I just start thinking about so many things. But I had to step back and I had to grow up mentally. She deserves a child of her own. She spent all of her life taking care of everyone else's children. She's been there, she's she's been a better parent than most people I could ever imagine. So, yes, she deserves to be a mom. And so that goes for you. Um says you deserve to have that joy of your own, as do my wife. All right, so going into letter number two. This is gonna be really quick. Um, because I did take up too much time just now. Do you think it's possible for best friends to become lovers? Me and my female friend have been friends for a long time, but I think for me, my feelings are getting a little deeper. Although it hasn't been talked about yet, I think we're really good together. First of all, I absolutely love this question because believe it or not, some of the healthiest marriages and relationships actually started with friendship. Now, don't get me wrong, every friendship isn't supposed to become a relationship. Sometimes people are exactly who they are supposed to be with, or who they are supposed to be in your relationship or your life: a friend, a homegirl, a homeboy, sis, bro. But sometimes life does surprise you. Sometimes the person you've laughed with, cried with, trusted, told your biggest secret to, and built years of friendship with slowly becomes the person you realize you don't want to live without. And that is a beautiful thing. You didn't say I just need somebody, you didn't say I was lonely, you didn't say I'm tired of being single. You didn't say I'm jealous of her other male friends. You said my feelings are getting deeper. So that tells me this this isn't about filling a void. That's a good thing. It's about noticing a connection that's growing, and there's a difference. Now, here's what I want you to slow down about. Don't confuse comfort with compatibility. Because we often do that. Sometimes we get so comfortable because someone has been there. Like always. They're that one call away, they're there if I need someone to pick me up, they're there if I need to cry, talk about someone, make a joke. But see, comfort feels safe. Compatibility builds a future. Now you gotta ask yourself: can we communicate through conflict? Can we disagree respectfully? Do we share similar values? I mean, those questions are important. Can I picture us building a life together? Not just spending time together, because see that friendship is a beautiful foundation, but a healthy romantic relationship also requires shared vision. Now, I'm not talking you out of telling her because I think you should. But if after giving yourself some time and your feelings are still there, I think honesty is the next step, not pressure. So don't go in with like a grand romantic speech. Just be honest. Maybe something like I've been noticing that my feelings for you have started to change. And before I ignore them, I want to talk about it so it don't become confusing. I want to be honest with you because our friendship means so much to me. I think that would be a great lead to a conversation. Because do you hear how respectful that that sounds? Like you're not demanding anything, you're not pushing or forcing anything, you're simply sharing your truth. Now, she may feel the exact same way, and if she does, I mean, this is gonna be an incredible love story, and please let me know. But if she only sees you at a friend as a friend, and that may happen, you have to respect that too. Because love isn't about convincing someone to choose you, it's about allowing people the freedom to make their own choice. So, one thing I never want you to do is to spend years wondering what if sometimes the conversations we avoid become the questions we carry for years. So I'd rather you have clarity than spend your life playing a guessing game. Thank you so much, my brother, for writing in. And I wish you the best. Please keep me updated. I would love to know more. Alright, so I'm gonna go ahead and finish this off. I am at my time. As I was reading both of these letters this week, I realized that although the situations are completely different, the lesson is the same. Both people are standing in front of a conversation they're afraid to have. And I think every single one of us has been there. I know I have. Truth is uncomfortable sometimes, but truth is also freeing. So whether it's your spouse, your best friend, a family member, or even your own children, please do not let fear keep you from having that conversation that matters. At least you finally know where you stand, and sometimes peace comes from knowing, not wondering. Now, before I end, I'm only gonna do a couple affirmations. Let's take a deep breath in and out. Repeat after me. I choose courage over fear. I deserve honesty in every relationship. I communicate my heart with confidence. I release the fear of difficult conversations. My feelings are valid. My voice deserves to be heard. Alright, take one more deep breath from me. Smile if you can, and remember, growth begins where honesty lives. Thank you so much for spending the day with me. I took up about 30 minutes of your time, and I love you so much if you listened all the way to the end. If today's episode encouraged you, challenged you, or simply reminded you that you're not alone. I would love for you to follow the podcast on all streaming platforms, share this episode with someone who may want to hear it or need to hear it. Every share, every review, every download, every letter you send, every fan um mail I've received, um is sent and reminds me why I started this journey. I truly appreciate each and every one of you. I love you guys so much. And don't forget, if you have a letter, a question, or situation you'd like for me to discuss on a future episode of Letters to the Love Coach, I'd love to hear from you. You can submit your letter anonymously or include your name. It's up to you. MartisaLovecoach.com is my website, um, or you can click the submission link in any of my social media bios: Instagram, love with Martise, TikTok, Martisa Love Coach, Facebook Martisa Love Coach. Um, the new episode of Letters to the Love Coach air every Wednesday, and then Love Less Lessons with Martisse every Friday. Until next time, keep healing, keep growing, keep loving yourself because healthy conversations create healthy relationships. And remember, you deserve the love you're looking for. I'm Martisa Love Coach. I love you so so much.