WEBVTT 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:07.280 Welcome to the Awakening Church podcast. 00:00:07.599 --> 00:00:11.599 We exist to awaken this generation to new life in Christ. 00:00:11.839 --> 00:00:13.039 Thanks for tuning in. 00:00:13.199 --> 00:00:16.399 To find out more, go to awakeningchurch.com. 00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:20.879 Well, great to be with you, Awakening Church. 00:00:21.039 --> 00:00:26.000 If you're new, my name is Ryan, and we're absolutely thrilled to have you join us today. 00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:30.239 Last week we kicked off a brand new series called Resilience. 00:00:30.399 --> 00:00:39.039 Now, resiliency is the ability to withstand or to recover from difficult situations and circumstances. 00:00:39.280 --> 00:00:47.600 And really what we're wrestling with as a people, as a church, is how do we have resiliency in the face of our current crisis? 00:00:47.920 --> 00:00:51.520 Now, we're diving back into the book of James. 00:00:51.679 --> 00:01:02.320 And James was the half-brother of Jesus, the leader of the church in Jerusalem, and he was pastoring the church through their own COVID reality moment. 00:01:02.719 --> 00:01:05.359 The church experienced intense persecution. 00:01:05.519 --> 00:01:08.560 They were immediately scattered from their homes. 00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:13.920 They had economic upheaval, uncertainty, their lives were turned upside down. 00:01:14.079 --> 00:01:26.799 And James is pinning this letter to them and how to have resiliency and respond and live like a follower of Jesus in the midst of these incredibly trying times. 00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:34.000 And so he actually addresses four critical areas for in order for us to have resiliency. 00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:35.280 Last week we looked at this. 00:01:35.439 --> 00:01:38.640 We said, resiliency in the face of temptation. 00:01:38.719 --> 00:01:41.680 How do we have resiliency in the face of temptation? 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:45.120 I would ask you to go back, check out that sermon. 00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:52.159 Today we're talking about resiliency in the face of destructive emotions. 00:01:52.719 --> 00:01:59.599 Isn't it true that our emotions have been magnified in this season? 00:01:59.920 --> 00:02:03.200 It just seems like they're amplified up. 00:02:03.760 --> 00:02:08.080 I mean, it's not anymore that I think maybe this is not how you feel, but this is how I feel. 00:02:08.240 --> 00:02:09.840 Like that we're just tired. 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:15.599 It's just like I'm exhausted, just like totally wiped out, you know. 00:02:15.919 --> 00:02:19.439 I'm not just weary or just kind of like, I don't know. 00:02:19.599 --> 00:02:25.919 I'm overwhelmed, or maybe with SIP shelter in place, I'm like just over it. 00:02:26.400 --> 00:02:32.319 And then we find ourselves where we're no longer just disappointed. 00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:34.080 We're angry. 00:02:35.599 --> 00:02:41.759 And we're having to wrestle and confront anger in ways that we're not used to. 00:02:42.560 --> 00:02:46.560 In in environments that feel foreign and strange. 00:02:47.520 --> 00:02:52.639 What do you do with the emotions inside of you? 00:02:54.240 --> 00:02:55.599 Like, what do you do? 00:02:55.840 --> 00:02:57.199 How do you respond? 00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:03.039 More specifically, what do you do with anger? 00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:07.120 Like, how do you respond to anger? 00:03:08.080 --> 00:03:10.400 Now, anger is interesting. 00:03:10.719 --> 00:03:13.599 Anger at its very best protects. 00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:20.639 When you're angry at evil and injustice, it protects, doesn't it? 00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:27.280 It's people who are angry at racism that brought about the abolition of slavery. 00:03:27.599 --> 00:03:40.560 It's people who were angry at the injustice and the evil of human trafficking that said, we're gonna sacrifice our lives to do something about it and protect the vulnerable. 00:03:41.199 --> 00:03:59.039 It's actually for us as a church, when we look at the circumstances our world are in and the people who are vulnerable and in need at the school that we meet at, and we're angry about those circumstances that allow us to say, man, we want to make a difference. 00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:04.800 And how do we engage and protect and help those families and give generously? 00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:07.280 Anger at its best protects. 00:04:08.000 --> 00:04:14.000 But anger at its worst, it's poison. 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:18.240 It pollutes, it's destructive. 00:04:19.519 --> 00:04:25.120 Anger at its worst destroys friendships, doesn't it? 00:04:25.279 --> 00:04:29.120 Anger at its worst has has caused marriages to unravel. 00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:40.399 Anger at its worst is has caused abuse to be a reality, and relationships fall apart. 00:04:42.399 --> 00:04:44.319 And so, James. 00:04:45.199 --> 00:04:57.120 James is gonna tell us in the midst of this crisis, he's gonna say, your relationship with anger will make or break you in the middle of this crisis. 00:04:57.360 --> 00:05:02.160 Your relationship, now you probably have never thought about having a relationship with anger. 00:05:02.560 --> 00:05:05.839 For some, you're like, um, I don't want to have a relationship with anger. 00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:08.079 I don't, I don't even think I'm an angry person. 00:05:08.240 --> 00:05:16.879 He's gonna say, no, no, how you relate to anger will either make or break you in this season. 00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:18.480 And here's the reason why. 00:05:18.720 --> 00:05:32.639 He knows being the Y Shepherd, that stress, fatigue, and pressure, it magnifies our emotion, and anger at its worst magnifies is lethal. 00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:39.279 He says, your relationship, how you relate, is gonna make or break you. 00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:45.120 So let me ask you, what kind of relationship do you have with anger? 00:05:47.839 --> 00:05:51.279 Well, Ryan, I I don't have a relationship with anger. 00:05:51.439 --> 00:05:53.759 I grew up in a home that was angry. 00:05:53.920 --> 00:06:03.920 I grew up with a dad that was abusive, I grew up with people that spewed all over the place, and I don't want to go anywhere close to that. 00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:14.639 And for others, you view anger as bad and evil, and maybe you grew up in a home that was religious or that it is wrong to be angry. 00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:20.480 You're like, I don't want a relationship with anger, because you've seen the dark sides of it. 00:06:21.279 --> 00:06:26.079 Others, you use anger as a tool, don't you? 00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:35.759 You may not use it this way, maybe you wouldn't ever say it, but you've used it to leverage and get your way to storm through bull over people. 00:06:36.240 --> 00:06:40.319 For others, your relationship with anger, oh my gosh, it's just it feels uncontrollable. 00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:50.560 It's like, it's like an alcohol that just takes over your body, and you're just like, I don't have control anymore, and and it it's just like this uncontrollable force within you. 00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:54.160 And for others, your relationship with anger is that a shame? 00:06:56.000 --> 00:06:59.839 Just the very thought of it just fills you with shame. 00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:03.680 What kind of relationship do you have with anger? 00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:14.000 What's interesting is the Bible doesn't ever tell us to not be angry or don't have anger. 00:07:14.319 --> 00:07:21.600 In fact, what James is gonna do is he's gonna tell us how to have a healthy relationship with anger. 00:07:21.759 --> 00:07:30.000 How do we have a healthy relationship with anger so that we can navigate and have resiliency in the face of this trial? 00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:35.199 And so if you got your Bibles, would you open up to James chapter 1, verse 19? 00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:41.680 James chapter 1, and let's talk about resiliency in the face of this powerful emotion. 00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:43.199 Anger. 00:07:43.439 --> 00:07:45.279 Listen to how James begins. 00:07:45.439 --> 00:07:50.319 He says, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this. 00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:52.879 And here's what this word means. 00:07:53.040 --> 00:07:58.319 He's saying, I want you to be aware, I want you to like pay special attention. 00:07:58.480 --> 00:07:59.839 And here's what it means. 00:07:59.920 --> 00:08:04.079 And it's it means to stand in close relation. 00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:14.000 What I'm about to say, what I'm about to teach in this moment, I want you to keep related closely to this idea. 00:08:14.399 --> 00:08:16.160 Okay, so what does he say next? 00:08:16.399 --> 00:08:18.639 He says, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this. 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:29.600 Now notice everyone, not just some people, but everyone of us should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and then slow to become angry. 00:08:30.240 --> 00:08:35.919 Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry. 00:08:36.559 --> 00:08:41.440 This is a he says, this is how we are to relate to anger. 00:08:41.919 --> 00:08:43.200 This quickness. 00:08:44.320 --> 00:08:52.000 This is this intentionally hearing, giving your thoughts to understand the other. 00:08:52.799 --> 00:08:54.240 That that's our first response. 00:08:54.399 --> 00:08:55.039 How can I listen? 00:08:55.120 --> 00:08:55.600 How can I hear? 00:08:55.679 --> 00:09:01.039 I've heard it said that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason, so we'd listen twice as much as we speak. 00:09:01.679 --> 00:09:15.120 Be quick to listen, and then slow to speak and slow to become angry, that we would seek to understand before trying to be understood, that we'd be slow to speak, and that word slow and slow to become angry. 00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:19.759 It literally means slow to learn. 00:09:20.720 --> 00:09:22.559 Like slow to learn anger. 00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:23.759 Think about that. 00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:27.360 Now, notice he doesn't say don't be angry. 00:09:27.840 --> 00:09:35.039 You would think maybe you say quick to speak or yeah, quick to listen, slow to speak, and then don't get angry. 00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:38.399 But he says, actually slow to become angry. 00:09:38.720 --> 00:09:46.480 And even Ephesians 4 26, the apostle Paul would say this be angry and yet do not sin. 00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:53.679 And so there's actually a way that we can engage with this powerful emotion where we can be angry and not sin. 00:09:53.919 --> 00:10:00.480 We can be angry and not allow it to pull us into sin or destruction or devastation. 00:10:00.799 --> 00:10:02.720 But he wants us to notice this. 00:10:02.879 --> 00:10:07.120 Why should we follow this process, quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry? 00:10:07.440 --> 00:10:16.240 Because, because human anger does not produce, it does not make effective the righteousness that God desires. 00:10:16.559 --> 00:10:38.639 Human anger does not produce or affect the type of life that God desires for you, the type of justice, the type of goodness, the type of purity that God has for you and I, the type of life that is winsome and filled with kindness and caring, the type of life you actually long for and you long others to live. 00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:45.360 Now, I think it's important that we talk for a second about human anger and holy anger. 00:10:46.240 --> 00:10:55.120 See, human anger is really anger at its worst, and holy anger is anger at its best. 00:10:55.440 --> 00:10:58.799 Richard War uh talks about holy anger this way. 00:10:58.960 --> 00:11:01.759 Holy anger is an expression of love. 00:11:01.919 --> 00:11:04.559 Have you ever thought about that it that way? 00:11:04.960 --> 00:11:08.159 And may never be played off against love. 00:11:08.559 --> 00:11:16.080 It never wants to destroy, but to restore to original justice. 00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:18.480 It's an expression of love. 00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:21.279 This is not the anger James is talking about. 00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:27.279 He's talking about human anger, anger that is self-centered irritation. 00:11:27.519 --> 00:11:29.039 This is what he's talking about. 00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:35.039 He says, that type of anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:35.919 Then he goes on. 00:11:36.159 --> 00:11:43.120 He says, therefore, in light of that, in light of the reality, this anger doesn't produce something that is effective. 00:11:43.200 --> 00:11:50.159 And in light that anger is counterproductive to your life, therefore, get rid of, take off of everything. 00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:59.519 It says all moral filth and the evil that's so is so prevalent, and then humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. 00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:07.200 If anger can destroy you, he says, accepting the word planted in you can save you. 00:12:07.679 --> 00:12:12.720 He says, Therefore, get rid of or throw off all moral filth. 00:12:12.960 --> 00:12:13.840 And that word's interesting. 00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:16.399 I want you to see what's so going on here, what James is doing. 00:12:16.720 --> 00:12:21.679 It's the picture of a dirty shirt, you know, or dirty clothes, and it's filthy and it's a rag. 00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:24.559 And he says, take it off like dirty clothes. 00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:27.120 But the root meaning of this word is fascinating. 00:12:27.279 --> 00:12:32.960 And I think James had this in mind in the progression when he goes, quick, slow, slow, quick to listen. 00:12:33.200 --> 00:12:46.559 The root word of this, you know, moral filth comes from a medical term and sense of where you had the wax buildup in your ears that caused you to be unable to hear. 00:12:47.519 --> 00:12:49.919 So James says, be quick to listen. 00:12:50.159 --> 00:12:56.639 And as you're quick to listen, what you have to do is pay attention to the buildup in your ears that's keeping you from hearing. 00:12:56.879 --> 00:12:58.240 Get rid of all of that. 00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:02.480 See, anger keeps us from truly hearing, doesn't it? 00:13:02.639 --> 00:13:05.519 When we give way to it, he says, be quick, be quick to listen. 00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:09.200 And you have this filth, you have this wax buildup, and you gotta clean that out. 00:13:09.360 --> 00:13:13.519 And then he goes on and talks about the evil that is so prevalent. 00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:21.039 And now this word evil here has this idea of mean-spirited, vicious attitude. 00:13:21.360 --> 00:13:26.159 Where the things that come out of your mouth, see, be quick to listen, so to speak. 00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:32.399 Get rid of the things that are mean-spirited and vicious that would come out of your mouth. 00:13:32.480 --> 00:13:34.879 And we say things when we're angry, don't we? 00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:42.559 We say things when we're angry that we would never have wanted to say, but we can never take them back either. 00:13:42.879 --> 00:13:48.080 He says, get rid of all that and then humbly accept the word planted in you. 00:13:48.240 --> 00:13:52.720 And some of your translations say, meekly accept the word. 00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:57.840 And we think of meekness as weakness, and it's certainly not true. 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:07.200 And he talks about this, and slow to anger, well, meekness, humbly, is that word is strength under control. 00:14:08.320 --> 00:14:17.759 It means to have the power to not be led away by your emotions, not letting your emotions take control. 00:14:19.120 --> 00:14:30.639 See, James is giving us the recipe for us and how to have resiliency in the face of this powerful emotion called anger. 00:14:30.799 --> 00:14:33.279 And accept the word planted in you. 00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:38.559 Because when we're angry, uh our view of life gets distorted, doesn't it? 00:14:38.799 --> 00:14:48.320 He says, you got to get to God's word and what he has to say so that we can really uh understand what's real and what's right and what's true. 00:14:48.480 --> 00:14:50.960 And he says, when you do that, it'll save you. 00:14:51.279 --> 00:14:53.360 For many, it'll save your marriage. 00:14:53.519 --> 00:15:04.639 Right now, you need to hear this word because COVID has like put a pressure cooker on your marriage, or pressure cooker on your roommates or your friendships, or maybe it with people that you're working at. 00:15:04.799 --> 00:15:12.320 And he says, listen up because this can save you, this can save your relationships, this will save you heartache and pain. 00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:16.960 For some, this might save your job or your future, it will save your life. 00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:22.879 If we're gonna be resilient, we have to learn how to have a healthy relationship with anger. 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:24.559 And so let's unpack this. 00:15:24.720 --> 00:15:34.320 And so, to do that, I want to define anger and then take some time really talking through how do we respond rather than react to anger. 00:15:34.480 --> 00:15:40.240 How do we respond rather than just simply allow our emotions to give way? 00:15:40.559 --> 00:16:00.559 Well, in your notes, I gave you two definitions of anger, and they're by two authors, one I really like a lot, but more so because I wanted to give you resources, and it's at the end, because for many, you actually need to grab a book, get a good friend, and start to wrestle through this on a deeper level. 00:16:00.799 --> 00:16:06.960 The first is by my dad, which we'll have next week teaching for us uh in part three of Resilient, and Dr. 00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:12.799 Becca Johnson, they wrote a book together, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, and he gives us a great definition for anger. 00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:14.879 He says, anger is neither good nor bad. 00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:16.320 We already talked about that. 00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:19.440 It's charged, we've experienced that. 00:16:19.679 --> 00:16:27.279 It's morally neutral, it's an emotional response of protective preservation. 00:16:27.600 --> 00:16:29.919 Well, Gary Chapman in his book, Dr. 00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:34.159 Gary Chapman, gives us a little more unpacking of what they mean by this. 00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:44.559 He says anger is the emotion that arises whenever we encounter what we perceive important word there, underline that if you can, to be wrong. 00:16:44.879 --> 00:16:55.440 The emotional, physiological, and cognitive dimensions of anger leap to the front burner of our experience when we encounter injustice. 00:16:55.600 --> 00:17:00.559 And this is part of the challenge with anger, because anger is broader than just emotional, isn't it? 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:06.319 It impacts us in so many different ways: emotional, physiological, cognitive, biological. 00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:15.119 See, when we become angry, the adrenal glands in our mind, it releases two hormones, epinephrine and then norepinephrine. 00:17:15.200 --> 00:17:17.279 It gives us the fight or flight response. 00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:20.160 Uh, this is where we get tense and we get heated from. 00:17:20.880 --> 00:17:30.160 It's our blood pressure rises, our heart rate speeds up, and we have this biological response. 00:17:30.480 --> 00:17:38.319 And so, how do we then, in the light of that, learn how to respond rather than give way and react in the moment? 00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:42.720 Because resilient people have learned how to respond to this instead of reacting. 00:17:42.880 --> 00:17:46.799 And James is telling us, hey, when how to respond? 00:17:47.039 --> 00:17:51.839 Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry. 00:17:51.920 --> 00:17:54.640 We're gonna unpack that really practically in a second. 00:17:54.880 --> 00:17:59.279 Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry. 00:17:59.440 --> 00:18:01.759 But here's what just what I want you to notice real quick. 00:18:02.000 --> 00:18:04.960 When we react, we inverse the order. 00:18:05.599 --> 00:18:15.519 When we react, here's what happens we're quick to anger, and then we're quick to speak, and then we're slow to listen. 00:18:15.759 --> 00:18:23.039 And so if you find yourself being quick on this side, it should be the warning side for you of going, you know what, I've been way more reacting than listening. 00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:26.400 So I actually, God, would you help me learn to respond? 00:18:26.559 --> 00:18:27.599 Well, how do we do that? 00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:29.119 I'm so glad you asked. 00:18:29.200 --> 00:18:30.319 Let's dive in. 00:18:30.559 --> 00:18:38.880 First step to responding versus reacting is we have to acknowledge, and you have to acknowledge you're angry and then take it to the Lord. 00:18:39.039 --> 00:18:41.279 You have to acknowledge and go, I'm angry. 00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:45.039 Many people don't ever do that step. 00:18:45.440 --> 00:18:46.559 I'm angry. 00:18:46.720 --> 00:18:48.880 So what do I do with this now? 00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:50.640 And then bring it to the Lord. 00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:53.440 God, I'm angry, I'm frustrated. 00:18:53.759 --> 00:18:57.759 I know there's many people that actually don't even know what they're feeling. 00:18:58.000 --> 00:19:02.559 We're not so in tune with our feelings in our culture today. 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:15.200 And I think that's been part of the challenge of COVID and everybody being uh in one place and having some space to feel because we stay so distracted, and now all of a sudden these emotions are bubbling up that you've been pushing down. 00:19:15.759 --> 00:19:23.759 So you're like, I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time, and maybe I maybe you don't identify even with the word anger. 00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:30.559 So let me give you some emotional language to put around this so that you can begin to acknowledge and say it out loud. 00:19:30.720 --> 00:19:31.839 It's powerful. 00:19:32.079 --> 00:19:34.799 So you acknowledge your anger, take it to the Lord. 00:19:34.960 --> 00:19:38.319 Instead of when we're angry, we want to take it out on the other person. 00:19:38.480 --> 00:19:39.839 Here's the emotional language. 00:19:41.119 --> 00:19:49.039 I'm frustrated, I'm annoyed, I'm irritated. 00:19:50.319 --> 00:19:54.079 Maybe you're mad or ticked off or disgusted. 00:19:54.400 --> 00:20:00.640 See, those are words that are cues to us where you just begin to start here and just go, it just is so powerful. 00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:02.480 You just go, God, I'm angry. 00:20:02.880 --> 00:20:10.240 I don't necessarily identify with that, and but I'm recognizing that irritation or that frustration, that's actually kind of showing me that. 00:20:10.400 --> 00:20:12.079 So, what do I do with it? 00:20:12.240 --> 00:20:14.720 And I'm gonna bring it to you to help. 00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:22.720 And so, first we acknowledge that we're angry, take it to the Lord, and then restrain your immediate response. 00:20:23.599 --> 00:20:30.799 Quick to listen, slow to speak, bite your tongue, ah, because that's what gets us in trouble, doesn't it? 00:20:31.200 --> 00:20:32.799 I mean, this is what we do. 00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:38.079 We get angry in that moment, and we our immediate response is often our worst response, right? 00:20:38.319 --> 00:20:51.920 It's the text message you shouldn't have sent, it's the email you shouldn't have spent, it's the like social media rage you shouldn't have done, it's the phone call, it's the blow up in the moment, it's your immediate response, and you have to restrain your immediate response. 00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:53.920 And for some, you're like, I can't do that. 00:20:54.160 --> 00:20:55.279 It's genetic. 00:20:55.359 --> 00:20:59.440 I'm an angry person, I'm Irish, it's just anger. 00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:01.200 Well, take it from Dr. 00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:02.400 Gary Chapman. 00:21:02.480 --> 00:21:05.599 He says, We cannot control our bodily reactions. 00:21:05.680 --> 00:21:09.759 That's the physiological, biological, those releasing of hormones. 00:21:09.920 --> 00:21:14.720 However, we can control our mental and physical responses to anger. 00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:17.200 You do have the choice. 00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:21.519 Restrain your immediate response. 00:21:22.319 --> 00:21:28.240 See, our immediate response to anger actually happens on a bit of a continuum. 00:21:28.480 --> 00:21:41.039 And for some, you wouldn't recognize because of the way you deal with it, that that immediate response may not be the best response or healthily uh navigating this powerful emotion. 00:21:41.519 --> 00:21:46.799 Let me give you just this continuum of how we react to anger or immediate response. 00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:54.559 For some, uh, you when your immediate response is to explode, it's verbal, it's physically venting. 00:21:54.720 --> 00:21:58.400 And then on the far side of the continuum is this withdrawal. 00:21:58.480 --> 00:21:59.279 This is your response. 00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:02.799 Silence and dismissive. 00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:11.200 And for some on that side, you use withdrawal as a way to get back, get even, or even pay revenge. 00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:14.799 You're going to withdraw your affection or your voice or your time. 00:22:15.359 --> 00:22:34.079 And in the middle of this continuum, and we're all along here somewhere, of our natural response or our response that we've had when we were kids growing up, or what we saw, or what we don't want to be of what we saw, in the middle is this dripping, it's this passive-aggressive response. 00:22:34.400 --> 00:22:40.480 It's this anger, irritation, and frustration that lies just beneath the surface. 00:22:41.119 --> 00:22:43.359 And I think this is challenging. 00:22:43.680 --> 00:22:58.640 I think this is challenging because when we respond in all of these, for many, we don't necessarily are able to fully identify, except for the exploding one, we can kind of see it, right? 00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:05.920 But the other ones, in fact, there can be a little bit of a self-righteousness in this. 00:23:06.319 --> 00:23:12.160 There can be a sense of like, well, I don't blow up like he does, or I don't do that. 00:23:12.319 --> 00:23:17.920 And the drippers just kind of just allow little passive-aggressive, sarcastic comments. 00:23:18.160 --> 00:23:20.880 Christians are great at this, unfortunately. 00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:27.200 We just are able to like, I'm not going to really deal with this, but I'm just going to say little snide comments. 00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:45.039 He says, for us to have a healthy relationship, to be resilient in the face of this powerful emotion, we have to acknowledge your angry, take it to the Lord, restrain your immediate response, and then stop and ask, why am I angry really? 00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:48.240 Like, what's at the core of this? 00:23:49.599 --> 00:23:55.359 Anger, if you read my dad's book, you'll discover is a secondary emotion. 00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:58.240 It points to something else. 00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:02.240 You're always angry at something or a person or an issue. 00:24:02.880 --> 00:24:05.839 There's a deeper cause than just anger. 00:24:05.920 --> 00:24:12.880 And it actually acts a lot like the warning light on your dash that shows you, hey, this is not right. 00:24:13.039 --> 00:24:14.799 You need to check underneath the hood. 00:24:14.880 --> 00:24:22.640 So when you're angry, you gotta stop and ask before you react to go reflect and go, okay, why am I angry really? 00:24:23.599 --> 00:24:25.039 I got to get to the root. 00:24:25.200 --> 00:24:25.519 Dr. 00:24:25.599 --> 00:24:27.759 Gary Chapman helps us in his book. 00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:29.039 I took this from him. 00:24:29.279 --> 00:24:32.960 He talks about definitive anger and distorted anger. 00:24:33.279 --> 00:24:35.039 Why am I angry really? 00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:35.920 What is it? 00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:42.400 He defines definitive anger this way as a response to a moral wrongdoing or injustice. 00:24:42.720 --> 00:24:45.759 This is sparked by a violation of laws or moral code. 00:24:46.079 --> 00:24:49.680 It's the drunk driver that careens into a car. 00:24:49.839 --> 00:24:55.759 It's the abuse, it's the cheating, it's the fraud and the lying, it's the racism. 00:24:56.000 --> 00:24:58.079 He says that's definitive anger. 00:24:58.160 --> 00:25:09.440 And many times that anger is in which we have to process with Jesus still, but it can spur us on to a protective response. 00:25:09.680 --> 00:25:15.039 Distorted anger is much of the way we have relationally with one another. 00:25:15.279 --> 00:25:22.880 It's not so much that there's a moral wrongdoing or injustice, but it's a perceived wrongdoing. 00:25:23.920 --> 00:25:29.839 See, distorted anger, it comes from people who've hurt us. 00:25:30.079 --> 00:25:38.880 It happens with stress and fatigue, maybe unrealistic expectations of where we feel frustrated or disappointed. 00:25:39.359 --> 00:25:47.519 See, it means we're just kind of seeing it through our lens, but and then making a moral judgment on it. 00:25:47.680 --> 00:25:54.480 For example, uh distorted anger is when we have angry, we're angry because of circumstantial evidence. 00:25:54.960 --> 00:25:56.559 Maybe I've done this plenty of times. 00:25:56.720 --> 00:26:03.519 I didn't have all the facts, I didn't understand it all, and I got angry but at this issue or at their response or what happened there. 00:26:03.920 --> 00:26:07.599 And when I learn all the facts, I go, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. 00:26:07.680 --> 00:26:09.440 I shouldn't have been angry about that. 00:26:09.599 --> 00:26:15.759 And if we allow that to happen, what happens is then we make assumptions about their presuppositions. 00:26:15.839 --> 00:26:17.119 We assume their motives. 00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:18.160 You ever done that? 00:26:18.559 --> 00:26:26.559 You see someone's activity, and then you jump to conclusions about why they're doing what they're doing, and that's distorted anger. 00:26:26.720 --> 00:26:28.720 Or maybe we make generalizations. 00:26:29.119 --> 00:26:32.240 He always does that, or she never will. 00:26:32.400 --> 00:26:36.240 And those general generalizations, that's distorted, that's not true. 00:26:36.400 --> 00:26:46.319 It begins to categorize and cast people in a certain set and lens and view, or or it's our unmet or unrealistic expectation. 00:26:47.440 --> 00:26:50.240 Man, he he should be helping around the house. 00:26:50.319 --> 00:26:51.839 He should be picking up his stuff. 00:26:52.000 --> 00:26:59.519 We we should be, you know, having deeper conversations and connections and anger begins to bubble up. 00:26:59.759 --> 00:27:03.359 Many of our expectations are rooted in our family of origin. 00:27:03.839 --> 00:27:05.920 Or it's your personal preference. 00:27:06.079 --> 00:27:07.279 This is what I prefer. 00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:10.880 This is what I grew up with, this is the way it's to be done. 00:27:11.200 --> 00:27:20.400 We often make moral weight decisions out of our personal preference, i.e., tidiness is a personal preference. 00:27:20.559 --> 00:27:22.559 It doesn't mean they're morally a bad person. 00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:26.400 There's plenty of untidy people in this world and they're great people. 00:27:26.720 --> 00:27:36.400 But you have the desire for your house or your home or your apartment to be tidy and your roommate or your spouse or your kids don't, and you make moral judgments about that. 00:27:36.559 --> 00:27:42.000 Uh maybe it's how you replace the toilet paper or how you squeeze the you know toothpaste. 00:27:42.079 --> 00:27:44.559 And we make moral judgments about that. 00:27:44.720 --> 00:27:52.559 Uh, it might be helping kids with homework or attentive to one's needs or showing affection and intimacy. 00:27:52.880 --> 00:28:05.680 And what COVID has done is it's put us where we're all stuck in an environment living on top of each other, and it's just amplified these minor irritations into major frustrations. 00:28:05.759 --> 00:28:10.960 And so we have to first acknowledge why I am angry really and get to the root of it. 00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:12.000 Is it definitive? 00:28:12.079 --> 00:28:15.200 Is this like a moral thing, or is this distorted? 00:28:15.440 --> 00:28:17.519 To do that, ask two critical questions. 00:28:17.759 --> 00:28:18.799 What's wrong? 00:28:18.880 --> 00:28:20.720 Uh, what wrong was committed? 00:28:20.960 --> 00:28:22.640 You gotta get specific. 00:28:23.119 --> 00:28:25.119 What wrong was committed? 00:28:25.279 --> 00:28:28.880 And then the second question is am I sure I have all the facts? 00:28:29.039 --> 00:28:37.359 Before I jump to conclusions, before I assume, before I let that anger and emotion get too far down the road, be quick to listen. 00:28:37.599 --> 00:28:39.359 That means you gotta ask. 00:28:39.599 --> 00:28:42.400 Be quick to listen, slow to speak. 00:28:42.640 --> 00:28:47.039 And then number four, step four, examine your options. 00:28:47.200 --> 00:28:48.559 Examine your options. 00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:53.279 See how we are going to be resilient in the face of this powerful emotion. 00:28:53.359 --> 00:29:01.519 We're gonna acknowledge we're angry, we're gonna strain our immediate response, ask why am I really angry, and then examine your options. 00:29:02.079 --> 00:29:04.319 How do I move forward? 00:29:04.799 --> 00:29:06.880 And you have two options. 00:29:07.279 --> 00:29:08.559 Yeah, only two. 00:29:09.680 --> 00:29:11.440 Lovingly confront. 00:29:12.319 --> 00:29:20.480 The apostle Paul would say in Ephesians I just forgot it right there, but it says, in speaking the truth and love. 00:29:20.559 --> 00:29:21.359 There you go. 00:29:21.680 --> 00:29:28.559 That we're to speak the truth and love to one another, lovingly confronting the other person. 00:29:29.359 --> 00:29:31.039 It's truth and love. 00:29:31.359 --> 00:29:34.000 It's not all love and it's not all truth. 00:29:34.319 --> 00:29:35.519 Option number two. 00:29:35.759 --> 00:29:39.119 Option number two is graciously overlook. 00:29:39.839 --> 00:29:41.359 Graciously overlook. 00:29:41.599 --> 00:29:45.839 The Proverbs would say, love covers a multitude of sins. 00:29:46.000 --> 00:29:47.599 That you would graciously overlook. 00:29:47.680 --> 00:29:49.920 Well, what does that mean to graciously overlook? 00:29:50.079 --> 00:29:56.880 It means that you give your offense and your hurt to God, entrusting Him with the outcome. 00:29:57.200 --> 00:30:06.880 What it means is then you forgive them, which literally means to release your right for revenge and that you will no longer hold it over them. 00:30:07.039 --> 00:30:12.160 And so you say, God, I'm going to overlook this, which means I'm not gonna bring it back up. 00:30:12.319 --> 00:30:18.079 And by the way, if you overlook it, then months later you shouldn't bring it back up in an argument. 00:30:18.480 --> 00:30:20.559 You know, no, I overlooked this moment. 00:30:20.960 --> 00:30:28.319 See two options lovingly confront, graciously, graciously overlook. 00:30:28.559 --> 00:30:40.240 And I think, and let's just talk about this for if you're an exploder, chances are you need to work a little bit more on graciously overlooking, because exploders want to confront everything. 00:30:40.400 --> 00:30:52.960 And certainly, exploder, we need, I say we because that tends to be where I land, we need more love than truth because we're generally harsh on the truth. 00:30:53.279 --> 00:31:01.839 If you're a withdrawal, probably chances are you need to work on develop more lovingly confronting. 00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:10.319 You don't necessarily overlook because you keep it down, you can allow it to keep stay in there, you're not giving it over to God and forgiving them. 00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:16.960 And you need probably more truth than love and when you speak. 00:31:17.279 --> 00:31:31.920 And if you're one of the drippers, chances are you need to choose one or the other because we can feel like I'm just not reacting and I'm not withdrawing the way they are, so I'm good. 00:31:32.000 --> 00:31:36.319 And you actually need to choose one or the other to graciously overlook. 00:31:36.400 --> 00:31:39.920 God, I'm gonna give this to you, so I'm not gonna hold it out, and I'm gonna pay attention. 00:31:40.079 --> 00:31:42.480 Is there little things dripping out of my mouth? 00:31:42.720 --> 00:31:44.480 Or I'm gonna lovingly confront. 00:31:44.559 --> 00:31:51.359 This is an issue that it's not gonna be resolved by me just uh uh you know keeping it to myself. 00:31:52.079 --> 00:31:57.039 You got two options lovingly confront or graciously overlook. 00:31:57.200 --> 00:32:03.759 And finally, what we need to do is once we examine what option to take, we need to take constructive action. 00:32:03.920 --> 00:32:06.160 We need to take constructive action. 00:32:06.319 --> 00:32:07.359 Well, how do we do that? 00:32:07.519 --> 00:32:09.599 Well, you begin with the goal of that action. 00:32:09.759 --> 00:32:13.039 The goal is restoration, not condemnation. 00:32:13.200 --> 00:32:16.079 The goal is a restored relationship. 00:32:16.319 --> 00:32:23.839 The goal is not winning or being right, the goal is how can we be right together? 00:32:24.160 --> 00:32:32.559 See, instead of winning people over to your point of view or helping them see why you are right, you go, no, I want restoration. 00:32:32.720 --> 00:32:35.359 How do we become restored? 00:32:35.440 --> 00:32:43.519 And I don't want to bring condemnation, I don't want to bring heat, I don't want to bring intensity, and so tone matters a lot when you do this. 00:32:43.759 --> 00:32:47.519 And then address the problem without attacking the person. 00:32:47.759 --> 00:32:48.960 Address the problem. 00:32:49.759 --> 00:32:53.359 Go, okay, let me give you just real specific. 00:32:53.519 --> 00:32:58.319 When this happened, this is how it made me feel. 00:32:58.640 --> 00:33:03.759 When this happened, this is how I interpreted what you did. 00:33:04.480 --> 00:33:07.839 Not you did this and you tried to do that. 00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:10.480 You see how the you that's just attacking the person? 00:33:10.720 --> 00:33:11.680 Address the problem. 00:33:11.839 --> 00:33:13.279 This is the problem, this is what happened. 00:33:13.359 --> 00:33:17.039 Maybe this is respond, and this is how it made me feel. 00:33:17.200 --> 00:33:20.480 And could you help me understand what was going on? 00:33:20.799 --> 00:33:24.559 Wow, that changes the environments. 00:33:24.880 --> 00:33:31.200 The goal, restoration, address the problem without attacking the person, and then seek a resolution. 00:33:31.359 --> 00:33:33.599 How do we move forward together? 00:33:33.839 --> 00:33:36.319 Extend that forgiveness I was talking about. 00:33:36.480 --> 00:33:40.880 It's literally letting go of your right for revenge. 00:33:41.119 --> 00:33:47.519 Whether you lovingly confront or graciously overlook, you have to forgive. 00:33:47.839 --> 00:33:56.400 Otherwise, what anger eventually becomes is this root of bitterness that will consume and destroy you. 00:33:56.559 --> 00:34:01.519 You have to graciously, yeah, or forgive, release your right for revenge. 00:34:01.680 --> 00:34:04.400 And for some, you need to keep giving that back over to God. 00:34:04.559 --> 00:34:05.279 God, this is hard. 00:34:05.359 --> 00:34:06.000 This is so hard. 00:34:06.160 --> 00:34:07.039 I struggle with this. 00:34:07.200 --> 00:34:17.119 Oh my God, please help me to give my right away, trusting that you will do what's right and good ultimately, Heavenly Father. 00:34:17.360 --> 00:34:21.760 Resiliency in the face of this powerful emotion. 00:34:22.079 --> 00:34:28.800 James is gonna say, quick, slow, slow, quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry. 00:34:28.960 --> 00:34:29.679 How do we do that? 00:34:29.920 --> 00:34:36.559 Acknowledge that you're angry, restrain your immediate response, bite your tongue and stop, reflect. 00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:38.239 Why am I angry? 00:34:38.480 --> 00:34:38.960 Really? 00:34:39.360 --> 00:34:47.119 Examine the options and then take constructive, take constructive action. 00:34:48.159 --> 00:35:01.840 No, the reason he says this is your relationship with anger will make or break you in the middle of a crisis. 00:35:03.119 --> 00:35:10.079 Now, for some, as we close, and you're like, Ryan, you've been talking about relational anger this entire time. 00:35:10.960 --> 00:35:12.880 But I have some different anger. 00:35:13.599 --> 00:35:14.239 You know what? 00:35:14.400 --> 00:35:33.440 Actually, I'm I'm angry at the circumstances I find myself in, our world finds ourselves in, the state and condition of our country, and actually, when I get down to it, I'm angry at God. 00:35:35.119 --> 00:35:36.719 What do I do then? 00:35:37.440 --> 00:35:41.360 And I just want to give you one simple thing to do in this moment. 00:35:42.239 --> 00:35:54.239 And then I want to ask you if that's where you're at, that you would ask for prayer or you would fill out a connection card so that you can get some good pastoral shepherding around you, just like James was giving to these people. 00:35:54.400 --> 00:35:55.840 We want to give to you. 00:35:56.480 --> 00:36:03.199 But where you'd start with step one, acknowledge that you're angry and then take it to the Lord. 00:36:03.599 --> 00:36:12.320 You just start with, God, I just realized I haven't voiced it, I didn't realize, but I'm angry about what's going on in our world, and I don't understand. 00:36:12.960 --> 00:36:17.039 And I'm gonna take it to you, confused and struggling. 00:36:17.280 --> 00:36:20.400 Or maybe you're angry at God and you don't even feel free to say those things. 00:36:20.639 --> 00:36:22.639 God, I can I say that out loud? 00:36:22.800 --> 00:36:26.079 Yes, you can, and by the way, He can handle all of you. 00:36:26.320 --> 00:36:28.400 And so we're gonna worship right now. 00:36:28.559 --> 00:36:39.679 And what I want you to do as the team leads us, would you acknowledge the emotions going on inside of you and then take it to the Lord?