WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.319 Welcome to the Awakening Church podcast. 00:00:02.479 --> 00:00:07.040 We pray this message encourages you and provides the hope and light of Jesus Christ. 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:08.640 Thanks for tuning in. 00:00:19.679 --> 00:00:21.440 Well, good morning, Awakening Church. 00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:22.559 How are we doing today? 00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:24.239 Yeah. 00:00:24.640 --> 00:00:25.920 Way to go, second server. 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:27.199 Oh, we're starting clapping too. 00:00:27.359 --> 00:00:27.760 I love that. 00:00:28.480 --> 00:00:29.120 There we go. 00:00:29.280 --> 00:00:30.239 I love that. 00:00:32.960 --> 00:00:36.560 Hey, we're continuing our series, Controversial Jesus. 00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:40.880 We're actually walking through a significant portion of the Sermon on the Mount. 00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:49.520 It's Jesus' really manifesto or explanation of what the kingdom life is like, how to really flourish. 00:00:50.079 --> 00:00:53.200 And we began the series with Jesus and Politics. 00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:54.799 No light subject there. 00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:57.920 Then Jesus and Anger, Jesus and Sexuality. 00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:10.480 If you missed any of those, please, wherever you like digest your digital content, podcast, YouTube, or whatever, go especially because where we're going today with Jesus and marriage builds on Jesus and sexuality. 00:01:10.560 --> 00:01:12.400 Please go back and listen to that. 00:01:12.480 --> 00:01:15.120 And while you're there, this is a commercial. 00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:19.280 Please like, subscribe, share, and all those other things as well. 00:01:19.519 --> 00:01:23.280 It does really help us in extending the ministry. 00:01:23.439 --> 00:01:28.400 It's the easiest, simplest way to get what God's doing here in front of more people. 00:01:28.560 --> 00:01:28.799 Okay? 00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:29.760 You with me? 00:01:30.640 --> 00:01:31.200 Right. 00:01:31.680 --> 00:01:32.159 Woohoo. 00:01:32.799 --> 00:01:34.400 This is gonna be fun, I can already tell. 00:01:34.640 --> 00:01:46.400 Jesus and marriage, and to set up this conversation, I just wanna highlight an idea that I think we're all probably familiar with in some way, but here it is. 00:01:46.799 --> 00:01:52.879 One of the biggest barriers to actually knowing something is the belief that you already know. 00:01:53.680 --> 00:01:55.519 You ever been around someone like that? 00:01:55.840 --> 00:01:56.799 Ever been there? 00:01:57.359 --> 00:02:06.879 One of the biggest barriers for us to truly knowing is somehow thinking we already know, and so we're not open to learning. 00:02:07.040 --> 00:02:09.680 It creates such a closed-mindedness. 00:02:09.840 --> 00:02:12.240 We can have a biased confirmation. 00:02:12.560 --> 00:02:16.960 The way it's said is this is the illusion of knowledge. 00:02:17.199 --> 00:02:24.240 It's the epistemic, you know, arrogance that somehow we've arrived and we own the corner on something. 00:02:24.639 --> 00:02:34.319 And so when we're talking about marriage, I want to ask a few questions to maybe kind of get you thinking and processing as we dive in. 00:02:34.400 --> 00:02:39.199 The first is simply this how do you define marriage? 00:02:40.240 --> 00:02:41.520 Have you thought about this? 00:02:41.759 --> 00:02:44.080 How do you define marriage? 00:02:44.240 --> 00:02:47.759 And then where did you get that definition from? 00:02:48.560 --> 00:02:51.199 Was that maybe from your family of origin? 00:02:51.520 --> 00:02:56.479 Was it uh from culture or you know, some show you grew up on? 00:02:56.719 --> 00:02:58.000 Was it from TikTok? 00:02:58.240 --> 00:03:00.639 Where did you get that definition from? 00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:08.080 And then finally, this question: how does the Bible or Jesus inform your understanding of marriage? 00:03:08.240 --> 00:03:10.560 Or does it at all? 00:03:10.800 --> 00:03:14.479 Do you know what Jesus had to say on the topic? 00:03:14.560 --> 00:03:25.199 And that's what we're asking in this series is not really what does Ryan say or what does the Bible say, what does the church in the West say, but what does Jesus say on this topic? 00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:34.800 And I want to give us just a few questions to guide our conversation as we dive into this together, that Jesus answers incredibly clearly and well. 00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:39.439 And he says, this is actually the framing for flourishing relationships. 00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:42.879 Uh first, we're gonna ask and answer the question, what is marriage? 00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:44.479 We're gonna define it together. 00:03:44.639 --> 00:03:46.400 Then what is marriage for? 00:03:46.560 --> 00:03:48.319 Like, what's the purpose of all this? 00:03:48.479 --> 00:03:49.360 Is there a point? 00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:54.719 Because I know a lot of people opting out of marriage because you look around and go, what in the world is going on? 00:03:54.879 --> 00:03:56.400 Which we're gonna deal with that too. 00:03:56.479 --> 00:03:58.879 What is the problem with marriage? 00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:06.240 Like when over 50% of the marriages in the states end in divorce, both in the church and outside of the church, you're like, what's the deal, right? 00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:08.240 What is the problem with it? 00:04:08.400 --> 00:04:22.000 Now, something that's interesting to note is that the early followers of Jesus did not try to get the culture to simply embrace Jesus' vision for marriage. 00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:29.680 They weren't somehow trying to go to the culture around them, the Greco-Roman world, and say, embrace Jesus' vision for marriage. 00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:40.800 Now, the early followers of Jesus did, they did bring their lives into conformity to Jesus' vision of marriage, regardless of their cultural background. 00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:56.240 Whether they were of Jewish origin or Greco-Roman or wherever they had, they said, in light of following Jesus, he is now my Lord and Savior, and I am going to bring my life under and into conformity with his vision for marriage. 00:04:56.399 --> 00:04:58.879 Okay, so that's where we're going today. 00:04:59.040 --> 00:05:17.040 And to like before we dive into exactly what Jesus said, and by the way, we're gonna start in the Sermon on the Mount, and he gives us kind of like a cliff note version, but we're gonna land in Matthew chapter 19, where he gives us an incredible, breathtaking description and view of marriage. 00:05:17.279 --> 00:05:24.639 But to start, I want to make this observation about Jesus, Christianity, marriage, and sexuality. 00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:27.759 Uh, that actually is probably a little controversial. 00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:30.720 Um, and this is the series we're in, right? 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:38.240 Marriage and sex is not essential to human flourishing. 00:05:39.040 --> 00:05:39.680 What? 00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:42.079 Are you kidding me? 00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:45.120 A single Ryan would have said, uh-uh. 00:05:46.319 --> 00:05:47.120 No, no, no. 00:05:47.360 --> 00:05:58.079 Marriage and sex are not essential to human flourishing, and this confronts two great idolatries of our day, one in culture and one in the church. 00:05:58.319 --> 00:06:03.519 The culture says this to be sexually inactive is to be a less than whole person. 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:13.680 It's the idolatry of sexuality and your gender identity that you are that your sexuality, and to repress it is to be less than a whole person. 00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:23.360 And then the church in the West in America has begun to make begun to make marriage idolatrous. 00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:28.160 To be single or unmarried is to be less than a whole person. 00:06:28.399 --> 00:06:31.680 No, we wouldn't say it that way, but we practice it. 00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:42.240 And somehow, like the biggest and greatest thing ever to do is that you are married, and it's like this, it's become an idol in the church. 00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:51.759 I mean, did you know that um we follow a single celibate, Middle Eastern rabbi? 00:06:55.439 --> 00:06:59.199 He never married, he never had sex. 00:07:00.399 --> 00:07:08.800 And and he was the full vision of human flourishing, complete in every way. 00:07:09.920 --> 00:07:13.920 I like how Deborah Hirsch says it in her book, Redeeming Sexuality. 00:07:14.079 --> 00:07:26.000 She notes it this way: one particularly beautiful thing about Jesus is that his life is a testament to the fact that being single doesn't have to equate to being lonely, nor does it exclude enjoying deep levels of intimacy. 00:07:26.480 --> 00:07:33.839 Jesus, just like us, lived within the relational fabric of community in order to sustain his full humanity. 00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:38.319 Jesus perfectly embodies God's vision for humanity. 00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:42.319 Perfectly complete human as a single person. 00:07:42.639 --> 00:07:47.920 Scripture elsewhere elevates singleness and puts it on par with marriage. 00:07:48.160 --> 00:08:01.360 In fact, Christianity, Jesus in particular, is the first religion in human history to elevate singleness as a way of life that is about this single rabbi. 00:08:02.800 --> 00:08:04.160 Interesting, isn't it? 00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:05.920 Why? 00:08:06.079 --> 00:08:09.759 Because marriage and sex is not essential to human foraging. 00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:12.639 Those are we have to have them in their proper place. 00:08:12.879 --> 00:08:24.879 The Apostle Paul would say, actually, your singleness is a gift to be steward, and if you can be single, do it because you can leverage it for the kingdom in ways that married people cannot. 00:08:25.680 --> 00:08:27.759 Now, what is marriage? 00:08:28.079 --> 00:08:29.279 What is marriage for? 00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:32.960 And what is the problem with marriage, according to Jesus? 00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:34.480 What does he have to say? 00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:42.000 We'll begin with the Sermon on the Mount, but like I said, we're going to jump over to Matthew 19, where he unpacks and expounds on this. 00:08:42.080 --> 00:08:46.240 In the Sermon on the Mount, he says this, uh, chapter 5, verse 31 of Matthew. 00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:50.879 It has been said, anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce. 00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:54.159 Uh, in the ancient day, divorce was pretty easy. 00:08:54.320 --> 00:08:56.480 Uh, it wasn't in the legal terms. 00:08:56.559 --> 00:08:59.120 You literally just wrote a one-sentence line. 00:08:59.360 --> 00:09:00.000 We're good. 00:09:00.320 --> 00:09:08.639 I mean, it really was really, it was, and you and you handed it, and uh, you know, you gave your wife back her dowry, and you're done. 00:09:08.879 --> 00:09:11.519 It's just write this certificate of divorce. 00:09:11.679 --> 00:09:24.799 Not as complicated as you think of today, but I tell you, anyone who divorced his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her a victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. 00:09:25.039 --> 00:09:35.039 Now, Jesus is confronting some decidedly sexist practices of his day where men were using women and discarding them. 00:09:35.279 --> 00:09:38.799 And and let me just unpack maybe the framework for this. 00:09:38.879 --> 00:09:45.279 Um, ancient Judaism had the highest view of marriage there was of any nation. 00:09:45.440 --> 00:09:50.960 Um, the Greco-Romans, they they they loved marriage, but they were not monogamous in marriage. 00:09:51.039 --> 00:10:06.480 In fact, a Greco-Roman man often had three people or women in his life, his wife to have a rightful heir, a mistress just for intellectual and fun, and then you had your temple prostitutes and priestess, and yes, even uh pederasty that was going on. 00:10:06.559 --> 00:10:09.919 And so there wasn't this kind of idea of sanctity of marriage. 00:10:10.080 --> 00:10:14.080 Marriage was simply for the structure of legal heirs. 00:10:14.399 --> 00:10:26.879 However, Judaism in the ancient day, uh, there was this idea that marriage, when it began, uh, and Jesus will get into this in a little bit, but it's just high view and sacredness of marriage. 00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:31.919 And so then there was this great discussion going on about what Jesus is talking about. 00:10:32.080 --> 00:10:34.799 It's actually Deuteronomy 24, 1, if you want to look it up. 00:10:34.879 --> 00:10:38.480 It's Moses' concession for why one could get divorced. 00:10:38.639 --> 00:10:45.039 And in Jesus' day, they're arguing and wondering what is the reason for someone to be able to get divorced. 00:10:45.200 --> 00:10:52.399 And there's one camp, there's a rabbi uh before Jesus' day called Shemmai, uh Rabbi Shemai, or the house of Shemai. 00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:53.919 This was his understanding. 00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:58.639 He said, if anything, you can only get divorced except for sexual immorality. 00:10:58.720 --> 00:11:02.159 If someone was unfaithful sexually, then you could have a divorce. 00:11:02.399 --> 00:11:10.960 Well, the house of Hillel uh interpreted the writings of Moses, Deuteronomy 24, 1, a little bit more liberally. 00:11:11.679 --> 00:11:23.039 And the house of Hillel, Hillel, Rabbi Hillel would say this: um, if she burns your fish and bread at dinner, you can divorce her. 00:11:23.200 --> 00:11:26.000 If she does anything that just kind of displeases you. 00:11:26.159 --> 00:11:28.559 In fact, there was another rabbi that took it even further. 00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:32.240 If you just don't like the way she looks, you can divorce her. 00:11:32.399 --> 00:11:40.480 Now you can only imagine between the two houses where the majority of men began to land in Jesus' day. 00:11:40.879 --> 00:12:03.759 So what started out as this high view of marriage by the time Jesus' day had devolved into this practice where men would just write their wife divorce and they would marry and remarry and go on and on, and they had created uh just an incredible, incredible mistreatment of women. 00:12:03.840 --> 00:12:08.240 And Jesus is addressing this very thing. 00:12:08.720 --> 00:12:27.200 Now, when Jesus begins to talk about this and address this, he be unpacks his theology of marriage and sexuality more fully later on, where the Pharisees come and actually ask him more specifically, because again, this is a debate in their day. 00:12:27.360 --> 00:12:29.200 You're like, we ain't debating it, I know. 00:12:29.360 --> 00:12:38.720 But this was hotly debated in their day because adultery was such a big thing, and they wanted to excuse themselves of their bad behavior. 00:12:38.879 --> 00:12:41.600 So, what is Jesus' theology of marriage and sexuality? 00:12:41.759 --> 00:12:44.000 Matthew 19, we pick up the story. 00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:46.240 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. 00:12:46.399 --> 00:12:51.600 They asked, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? 00:12:51.840 --> 00:12:54.080 Now you're hearing the house of Hillel. 00:12:54.639 --> 00:12:55.759 Any and every reason? 00:12:55.840 --> 00:12:57.279 That was Hillel's argument. 00:12:57.440 --> 00:13:00.000 For any and every reason, is it lawful? 00:13:00.159 --> 00:13:01.039 What do you say? 00:13:01.200 --> 00:13:02.000 And I love this. 00:13:02.159 --> 00:13:11.039 The way Jesus addresses divorce is he returns to what how God originally envisioned marriage. 00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:12.720 He's not gonna delve in. 00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:16.320 Let's talk about that argument and let's parse this word. 00:13:16.399 --> 00:13:18.399 And what exactly did Moses mean? 00:13:18.559 --> 00:13:25.279 He's not, he's going, he's gonna go all the way back to the very beginning of Jesus' vision or God's vision for marriage. 00:13:25.440 --> 00:13:31.440 Verse 4 says, Haven't you read, he replied, that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female? 00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:37.519 This is Genesis 127, and said, and then he skips to Genesis 2, they didn't have chapters back in the day. 00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:44.879 For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, the two will become one flesh. 00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:47.360 So they're no longer two but one flesh. 00:13:47.519 --> 00:13:52.480 Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. 00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:56.559 Now, Pharisees did not like this answer. 00:13:56.799 --> 00:13:58.080 So they said, Why then? 00:13:58.240 --> 00:14:03.759 They asked, did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? 00:14:04.080 --> 00:14:06.720 Did Moses command someone to get divorced? 00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:09.679 Okay, you guys are kind of looking at me, I'm not really sure. 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:10.799 That's no. 00:14:12.399 --> 00:14:14.080 I command you to get divorced. 00:14:14.480 --> 00:14:14.799 No. 00:14:15.919 --> 00:14:20.000 Like, isn't it funny how we twist things to fit what we really want? 00:14:20.559 --> 00:14:23.519 And we shift it, like, well, why did Moses command that? 00:14:24.080 --> 00:14:25.519 Notice what Jesus says. 00:14:25.840 --> 00:14:34.799 Jesus replied, Moses permitted, not commanded, you divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. 00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:36.799 But it's not this way from the beginning. 00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:44.559 I tell you that anyone who divorced his wife, except for sexual immorality, there you see it again, and marries another woman, commits adultery. 00:14:44.720 --> 00:14:50.399 This big, sweeping, grand, beautiful, and challenging view of marriage. 00:14:50.559 --> 00:14:51.279 What is marriage? 00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:52.159 What is it for? 00:14:52.320 --> 00:14:53.600 And then what's the problem of marriage? 00:14:53.759 --> 00:14:56.000 Let's begin with what is marriage according to Jesus. 00:14:56.159 --> 00:15:01.759 First, the first the first thing I want you to notice is according to Jesus, God created marriage. 00:15:02.000 --> 00:15:02.960 You notice that? 00:15:03.039 --> 00:15:11.840 Haven't you read that in the beginning, creator, uh he made them male and female, that marriage was actually God's original design. 00:15:12.080 --> 00:15:18.720 It's not just a social construct, but God had a plan in mind from the very beginning of time. 00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:26.960 In fact, the Bible begins with a wedding, Adam and Eve, and it actually ends with a wedding between Christ and the church. 00:15:27.279 --> 00:15:28.799 This is his plan. 00:15:29.039 --> 00:15:39.919 He invented it, he designed it, and as such, then he is the one to tell us, according to Jesus, how we are to go about this marriage relationship. 00:15:40.080 --> 00:15:41.039 So God created it. 00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:41.919 So what is it? 00:15:42.159 --> 00:15:46.720 Marriage is a holy covenant, not a contract. 00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:52.639 A covenant is a promise or a pledge to another person that is irrevocable. 00:15:52.879 --> 00:15:59.039 When uh it's a beautiful thing, you see these um this I love like bride and grooms on the front. 00:15:59.120 --> 00:16:01.679 It's like they look so beautiful and so good, right? 00:16:01.759 --> 00:16:03.200 They is, I mean, they're amazing. 00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:05.519 You're like, oh, this is wonderful. 00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:08.639 And I and I often tell them, this is the best you'll ever look. 00:16:09.039 --> 00:16:12.480 Um that's true. 00:16:14.799 --> 00:16:18.960 But in that moment, we often confuse this. 00:16:19.840 --> 00:16:34.559 They are not just proclaiming their love towards another, they are professing and promising future love till death do us part in sickness and in health. 00:16:34.799 --> 00:16:55.440 I am promising from this moment when you look so beautiful, when everything is amazing, I'm promising that when hard times come, when we're not sure what to do, when the feelings fade, I'm promising you, I'm making a covenant commitment to you. 00:16:55.679 --> 00:16:58.000 I'm in it forever. 00:16:58.159 --> 00:17:04.000 And there is no back door, I'm not getting out, there is no exit, there is no eject. 00:17:04.160 --> 00:17:05.519 That's marriage. 00:17:05.839 --> 00:17:09.359 That's a covenant that brings safety and security. 00:17:09.519 --> 00:17:11.039 We treat it much like a contract. 00:17:11.119 --> 00:17:23.599 I think of it like a phone contract where they tell you a really good deal and then they change the terms on you, and then they add the secret fees, and then you show up and you're like, wait, this isn't what I signed up for, and then you feel stuck. 00:17:23.839 --> 00:17:30.240 You're like, well, I have two years on this contract to get through. 00:17:30.480 --> 00:17:32.400 And Jesus says, No, it's a holy covenant. 00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:40.720 Notice he says, for this reason a man will leave his father and mother, be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:50.559 And so the church, for 2,000 years across the globe and across all generations, has defined marriage this way according to Jesus. 00:17:50.720 --> 00:17:52.960 Preston Sprinkles does a great job defining that. 00:17:53.039 --> 00:18:12.079 He says marriage is a lifelong one-flesh covenant union between two sexually different persons, a male and a female, from different families, united with the purpose of telling God's story of faithfulness and creativity, and sexual relationships outside this covenant union are sin. 00:18:12.400 --> 00:18:16.079 In fact, you notice Jesus used the word sexual immorality. 00:18:16.160 --> 00:18:17.759 That's the Greek word pornea. 00:18:18.000 --> 00:18:32.960 It is uh the word that uh the gospel writers, the apostle Paul will use, uh, is the broadest term for anything outside uh any sex that sexual activity outside the bounds of God's intended design for marriage. 00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:39.359 It says this is the place that marri for marriage uh that sex is intended to be. 00:18:39.440 --> 00:18:42.559 And outside of that, it breaks God's design. 00:18:42.799 --> 00:18:50.160 Now, when we're talking about this, and then we think about our LGBTQ plus brothers and sisters. 00:18:50.240 --> 00:18:51.440 I have a good friend. 00:18:51.759 --> 00:19:09.279 He helped me so long ago as we were talking, and he said, Ryan, he loves the Lord, same sex attracted, honoring Jesus with his sexuality, recognizing I agree with that, which means a profound no to some of my deepest longings and desires. 00:19:09.599 --> 00:19:21.279 And he said, Ryan, the thing that you need to know about uh those of us in the LGBTQ plus that love Jesus, following him, honoring him, is one of our greatest fears is to die alone. 00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:30.559 And the church is intended to be the family of God. 00:19:31.920 --> 00:19:44.559 Where all of us struggling and wrestling and experience that we need love and where we walk alongside that that would never, ever be a concern of a follower of Jesus. 00:19:45.440 --> 00:19:48.640 Marriage is to be this holy covenant, not a contract. 00:19:48.880 --> 00:19:56.079 Jesus actually helps us see it in three words leave, united, and then one flesh. 00:19:56.240 --> 00:19:57.279 Will you say that with me? 00:19:57.519 --> 00:19:59.839 Leave, united, one flesh. 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:00.880 One more time. 00:20:01.119 --> 00:20:04.000 Leave, united, one flesh. 00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:08.559 This is the process upon which our covenant relationship in marriage is to be. 00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:09.519 First, leave. 00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:11.920 Did you notice this idea of maturity? 00:20:12.079 --> 00:20:26.240 Jesus says this for this reason, well, God said it in Genesis 1, for this reason, a man will leave his mother and father, meaning that this new marriage relationship supersedes your biological family relationship. 00:20:26.559 --> 00:20:34.240 This is important for some of you because you're still clinging on to mom, you're still clinging on to dad, you're still bringing them into your marriage. 00:20:34.319 --> 00:20:38.319 They're the source of your strength, they're the source of your comfort, and then you're kind of over here. 00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:43.519 It says, No, you're leaving and you're stepping into a new unit altogether. 00:20:43.759 --> 00:20:45.759 Something new has happened. 00:20:46.079 --> 00:20:53.119 And then this idea of being united, it comes with this deep commitment that something happens. 00:20:53.279 --> 00:21:06.319 In fact, the Apostle Paul would say, something happens so deeply spiritually and emotionally that when we unite sexually, it can only be described as a deep unity. 00:21:06.880 --> 00:21:12.480 In fact, the the old English word uh for united in the King James is the word cleave. 00:21:13.119 --> 00:21:17.839 In Greek, this word literally means to be glued together. 00:21:18.319 --> 00:21:24.640 That when we engage in in a sexual intimacy with another person, it's a gluing. 00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:28.160 There is nothing casual about it. 00:21:29.039 --> 00:21:32.960 It's deeply emotional, it's deeply spiritual. 00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:42.480 And there's this gluing, and then as you do that and there's this breaking, it's literally the picture of different parts of you are left with them and they with you. 00:21:42.640 --> 00:21:50.799 That there's this united, and it that united happens in the context of where we're in it forever and become one flesh. 00:21:50.960 --> 00:21:56.400 This idea of intimacy, spiritually, emotionally, relationally. 00:21:57.519 --> 00:21:59.759 That that something amazing happens. 00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:10.240 Happens that when one man and one woman unite under God in marriage, that He says the two don't be become, or the two become one. 00:22:10.319 --> 00:22:13.680 There's a third new reality of oneness. 00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:15.759 And so what is marriage? 00:22:16.000 --> 00:22:20.160 It's a God-invented covenant between man and woman. 00:22:20.240 --> 00:22:22.720 It's to be permanent and pure. 00:22:22.960 --> 00:22:24.640 Now, here's what happens though. 00:22:24.799 --> 00:22:27.279 Our culture flips this paradigm, doesn't it? 00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:32.319 Our culture starts with intimacy, then moves to commitment, and then eventually you just leave. 00:22:32.799 --> 00:22:33.440 Right? 00:22:35.839 --> 00:22:36.960 Yeah, right, right, right. 00:22:37.039 --> 00:22:37.200 Come on. 00:22:37.359 --> 00:22:38.720 Intimacy, hook up. 00:22:39.359 --> 00:22:41.119 We just hook up with whoever. 00:22:41.440 --> 00:22:43.279 Sex on the first, you know, date? 00:22:43.599 --> 00:22:44.079 Maybe. 00:22:44.559 --> 00:22:47.119 Third, fourth date, well, expected. 00:22:47.359 --> 00:22:48.079 Who paid? 00:22:48.240 --> 00:22:48.880 I don't know. 00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:49.440 Right? 00:22:49.680 --> 00:22:52.240 We hook up and then we shack up. 00:22:54.240 --> 00:22:55.039 Don't we know? 00:22:55.200 --> 00:23:03.440 And we we can read the studies that when you cohabitate together, it increases your likelihood of divorce like twofold. 00:23:03.519 --> 00:23:04.799 It's crazy. 00:23:05.359 --> 00:23:08.400 So we hook up, we shack up, and then we break up. 00:23:08.559 --> 00:23:14.880 And we are in this cycle as a society, and it's devastating to our relationships. 00:23:15.039 --> 00:23:15.839 What is marriage? 00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:19.599 It is God created, it is a holy covenant, permanent and pure. 00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:21.279 What is marriage for? 00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:27.359 Well, Jesus says, Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. 00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:30.799 In fact, if you have your Bibles above, join, write the word yoked. 00:23:31.039 --> 00:23:31.839 That's this word. 00:23:31.920 --> 00:23:34.160 It's what God has yoked together. 00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:42.400 Now, today we want a marriage in which we can receive emotional sexual satisfaction from someone who simply let us be ourselves. 00:23:42.960 --> 00:23:45.680 Don't change me, just love me. 00:23:46.799 --> 00:23:50.799 Looking for personal fulfillment and self-actualization. 00:23:51.279 --> 00:24:05.119 Stanley Hauer, an ethics professor at Duke University, writes this: destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment necessary for us to become whole and happy. 00:24:05.279 --> 00:24:11.440 The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry, and that if we look close enough, we'll find the right person. 00:24:11.680 --> 00:24:15.200 This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect of marriage. 00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:19.920 It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. 00:24:21.200 --> 00:24:22.880 You're like, nu-uh. 00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:24.480 Listen, he goes on. 00:24:24.640 --> 00:24:25.599 He explains. 00:24:25.839 --> 00:24:28.079 We never know whom we marry. 00:24:28.480 --> 00:24:30.000 We just think we do. 00:24:30.319 --> 00:24:35.119 Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while, and he or she will change. 00:24:35.440 --> 00:24:40.079 For marriage, being the enormous thing that it is, means we are not the same person after we have entered it. 00:24:40.319 --> 00:24:47.920 The primary problem is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married. 00:24:48.640 --> 00:24:51.359 But we buy into this all the time. 00:24:51.680 --> 00:24:53.279 It's the perfect person myth. 00:24:53.440 --> 00:24:58.000 When I find the right person, then everything will work out right. 00:24:59.039 --> 00:25:08.720 And we're constantly looking for the right person, and we get in a relationship, and when things aren't working out right, they must have been wrong. 00:25:09.440 --> 00:25:13.119 And we get caught in this cycle. 00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:19.039 And marriage is far less about falling in love and more about growing in love. 00:25:20.160 --> 00:25:21.599 So, what is marriage for? 00:25:21.839 --> 00:25:23.599 Let me just give you three words. 00:25:23.920 --> 00:25:27.039 These are historic through the ages of the church. 00:25:27.200 --> 00:25:29.359 Symbolism, procreation, and commission. 00:25:29.519 --> 00:25:39.920 Symbolism, first, marriage is a beautiful and powerful picture intended to represent the unity and intimacy we were designed for with our Creator. 00:25:40.160 --> 00:25:41.839 All the way back into the garden. 00:25:41.920 --> 00:25:46.480 Now, then, like I said, the Bible ends with a story of Christ and the church. 00:25:46.640 --> 00:25:53.039 You see the marriage illustration of God and Israel and then Jesus and the church. 00:25:53.119 --> 00:25:58.720 And it's to be this picture of the indissoluble, like permanence. 00:25:58.880 --> 00:26:15.119 Like he has made, think about this, he has made a covenant commitment to you, shed by his own blood, that he says will never be broken, and he will never go back on that commitment. 00:26:15.759 --> 00:26:17.359 That's good news. 00:26:17.920 --> 00:26:21.519 And marriage is to be part of that picture of understanding it. 00:26:21.680 --> 00:26:35.920 Secondly, for procreation, we get this and understand that the creating of life mirrors the divine creator in whose image we bear, that marriage is the foundation upon which the family and as a result society is built. 00:26:36.079 --> 00:26:38.319 And then this idea of co-mission. 00:26:38.720 --> 00:26:44.079 Remember, Jesus said, therefore, what God has joined together, yoked together. 00:26:44.319 --> 00:26:49.039 Frederick Del Brunner, theologian, writes this: yoked together is a work picture. 00:26:49.440 --> 00:26:55.039 Jesus does not say what God has bedded together or domesticated together or even simply linked together. 00:26:55.200 --> 00:27:08.559 Husband and wife, according to Jesus' picture, are spanned together by God under a common yoke, suggesting they are united in order to put, in order to work together on a common task. 00:27:11.039 --> 00:27:20.400 Like what would change in your relationship if you began to think about it as God has placed us together on a co-mission. 00:27:22.160 --> 00:27:23.279 We have a purpose. 00:27:23.440 --> 00:27:35.920 In fact, back in the Genesis count, it says that we were to fill the earth, subdue it, and rule, that there's this harnessing its potential and stepping into the divine work. 00:27:36.319 --> 00:27:40.079 Like God has divine work for you to do together. 00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:43.920 When Jenny and I were dating, we would make this our prayer. 00:27:44.400 --> 00:27:47.839 God, would you make us better together than we ever could apart? 00:27:48.079 --> 00:27:49.920 Would you just help us to be better together? 00:27:50.079 --> 00:27:50.880 That was our prayer. 00:27:51.039 --> 00:27:55.920 Now, I've been married 20 years, 21 years this December, which is exciting. 00:27:56.000 --> 00:28:00.400 I have a 19-year-old that's off at college and 16 and a 13-year-old. 00:28:00.559 --> 00:28:02.400 Now, here's the interesting part. 00:28:02.640 --> 00:28:05.920 We're still figuring out that prayer. 00:28:07.519 --> 00:28:10.000 Would you make us better together? 00:28:10.240 --> 00:28:27.599 And here's what's interesting is it's through the chaos of life, I mean, kids, uh, that you realize you spend so much energy, and now we're at a time where we're looking at it and like maybe in five years we'll be empty nesters, or at least that's theory. 00:28:27.680 --> 00:28:29.759 Uh, that could be a reality, right? 00:28:29.920 --> 00:28:42.000 We're thinking about what happens is what we can so often get filled with the business of life that we're living parallel lives instead of co-mission lives together. 00:28:43.119 --> 00:28:52.559 What would it look like for you to just begin to pray that if you're married or dating or engaged, like what would it look like, God, that we'd be co-missioned? 00:28:53.279 --> 00:28:57.039 You have a divine purpose for our togetherness. 00:28:58.640 --> 00:29:03.599 And the Apostle Paul would emphasize this yoked, he would say, and do not be unequally yoked. 00:29:03.680 --> 00:29:05.279 This is the reason why. 00:29:06.559 --> 00:29:09.599 Like, if you're dating, don't date someone who doesn't know Jesus. 00:29:09.759 --> 00:29:16.880 If you're you don't get married to someone who doesn't know Jesus, like you're not on the same page, you won't be on the same purpose. 00:29:17.039 --> 00:29:18.640 What is marriage? 00:29:18.880 --> 00:29:20.400 What's this holy covenant? 00:29:20.480 --> 00:29:21.519 What is it for? 00:29:21.759 --> 00:29:26.160 Well, there's this joining or yoking together by God Himself. 00:29:26.319 --> 00:29:27.599 What is the problem with marriage? 00:29:27.759 --> 00:29:34.160 Jesus says, uh, the Pharisees said Moses commanded divorce, and Jesus said Moses permitted it. 00:29:35.200 --> 00:29:38.000 Moses permitted you to divorce your wives. 00:29:38.319 --> 00:29:38.960 Why? 00:29:39.440 --> 00:29:42.079 Because your hard hearts were hard. 00:29:42.400 --> 00:29:45.200 What's the problem with marriage? 00:29:46.079 --> 00:29:48.480 Why even divorce? 00:29:48.799 --> 00:29:53.519 At the root of the problem of every single marriage is hard-heartedness. 00:29:54.240 --> 00:29:55.920 Let me say that again. 00:29:56.240 --> 00:30:01.680 At the root of the problem of every single marriage is hard-heartedness. 00:30:01.759 --> 00:30:03.759 That's why the Proverbs would say it this way. 00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:07.839 Above all else, guard your heart. 00:30:08.400 --> 00:30:11.119 Like watch over your heart. 00:30:11.359 --> 00:30:13.599 Be attentive to your heart. 00:30:13.920 --> 00:30:16.640 Make sure that you keep a tender heart. 00:30:16.720 --> 00:30:17.119 Why? 00:30:17.359 --> 00:30:20.559 For from it flows the very things of life. 00:30:20.880 --> 00:30:26.640 Like all of life flows out of the contents and the character of my heart. 00:30:27.920 --> 00:30:32.000 And Jesus says, Moses permitted it because of hard-heartedness. 00:30:32.160 --> 00:30:47.039 Tim Keller, in his book, Meaning of Marriage, great book, by the way, says, that means sometimes human hearts become so hard because of sin that it leads to a spouse into a severe violation of the covenant without prospects of repentance and healing. 00:30:47.200 --> 00:30:50.480 And in such case, divorce is permitted. 00:30:51.039 --> 00:30:55.200 In fact, Hebrews 3 talks about the hard-heartedness. 00:30:55.279 --> 00:31:03.920 It says, see to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you have a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God, but encourage one another daily. 00:31:04.000 --> 00:31:04.880 I love that. 00:31:05.119 --> 00:31:09.279 Because when we have a hard heart, we're the last ones to see it and to know it. 00:31:09.440 --> 00:31:21.039 So we need to be in community of other people encouraging us and speaking life and correction into us, as long as it's called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. 00:31:21.279 --> 00:31:28.240 Well, what would be an example of a biblical divorce or unbiblical divorce? 00:31:28.480 --> 00:31:30.720 Well, Jesus said sexual immorality. 00:31:30.960 --> 00:31:35.119 Someone with a unrepentant porn habit or an affair. 00:31:35.519 --> 00:31:39.519 Your spouse leaves, Paul would give that concession if there's abuse. 00:31:40.079 --> 00:31:44.319 Even to the point of ignorance of you didn't know better before Christ. 00:31:44.400 --> 00:31:46.319 There's so much grace with Jesus. 00:31:46.640 --> 00:31:48.160 Unbiblical divorce. 00:31:49.359 --> 00:31:51.119 Oh, I'm just not happy. 00:31:53.039 --> 00:31:54.960 He doesn't make me happy anymore. 00:31:56.319 --> 00:31:57.839 I'm just not in love. 00:31:58.720 --> 00:32:00.480 I just don't love him. 00:32:02.240 --> 00:32:03.519 The trump card. 00:32:05.039 --> 00:32:06.720 I love someone else. 00:32:08.799 --> 00:32:10.640 I fell in love with someone else. 00:32:11.599 --> 00:32:25.599 Well, since marriage is less about falling in love and growing in love, there's going to be times where your love is going to vary, and you have made a commitment, a covenant commitment, and so I'm going to love you, which is an action, not a noun. 00:32:25.680 --> 00:32:27.440 It's not a state of being, it is an action. 00:32:28.079 --> 00:32:30.960 You can't command an emotion, but Jesus commands us to love. 00:32:40.240 --> 00:32:42.400 Oh, we're just not sexually compatible. 00:32:42.559 --> 00:32:44.880 I want to explore other options. 00:32:45.039 --> 00:32:48.480 The problem with marriage is a hard-heartedness. 00:32:48.960 --> 00:32:49.279 No. 00:32:50.079 --> 00:33:00.000 Years ago, Jenny and I were at a wedding, and the pastor began to unpack what he called the five stages of relationships. 00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:08.160 And I think sometimes it's so helpful to see kind of where you're at to have some like framing of like, okay, how do we what do we do with this? 00:33:08.799 --> 00:33:14.160 And I rarely do this, but in a wedding, I got out my phone and I started just taking notes because I'm like, this is good. 00:33:14.319 --> 00:33:23.119 And what I love is a couple came up after the first service and they're like, we've been married 52 years, and those stages are still true to this day. 00:33:23.440 --> 00:33:32.960 The five stages of relationship, the honeymoon stage, the disillusionment stage, the misery stage, the awakening stage, and then the intimacy stage. 00:33:33.119 --> 00:33:39.200 Not that you go through these and you've accomplished them, but we often can go back in and out of these. 00:33:39.279 --> 00:33:41.920 The honeymoon stage, we're all familiar with it. 00:33:42.000 --> 00:33:44.079 Maybe some of us, many of us, have experienced it. 00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:47.440 It's they're perfect, they're amazing. 00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:51.039 Oh, they're so different, and that's delightful. 00:33:52.799 --> 00:33:54.400 That's the honeymoon stage. 00:33:54.480 --> 00:33:58.960 It grows, it wears off, it doesn't last, it moves into the disillusionment. 00:34:06.160 --> 00:34:07.920 And it wasn't a good thing. 00:34:08.159 --> 00:34:11.039 I'm like, yeah, you're right. 00:34:11.199 --> 00:34:15.679 We're opposites attract, and then as my other friend says, opposites attack. 00:34:15.760 --> 00:34:17.440 I'm like, ooh, you know. 00:34:20.400 --> 00:34:26.480 In the disillusionment stage, here's what we say: if only they would change. 00:34:27.280 --> 00:34:29.119 If only they would change X. 00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:38.639 And you think all your problems would be fixed, all your marriage problems, if only they would change, and you move from the disillusionment stage to the misery stage. 00:34:39.119 --> 00:34:43.760 And the misery stage is you realize you can't change them. 00:34:45.920 --> 00:34:48.079 You realize if only they would change. 00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:56.159 I've tried, I've given hints, I've written notes, I've nagged, I've asked, and you feel stuck. 00:34:56.480 --> 00:34:57.760 You feel hopeless. 00:34:58.559 --> 00:35:01.679 Maybe you feel bitter and resentful. 00:35:02.320 --> 00:35:10.880 The misery stage, you may think about maybe we just add a kid or two to the equation because I need someone to love, and this I'm not getting it here. 00:35:12.079 --> 00:35:15.760 You and maybe give more time to your career. 00:35:16.320 --> 00:35:20.159 Let's change locations, let's move, because that'll fix everything. 00:35:20.480 --> 00:35:24.320 And often people do get divorced in the misery stage. 00:35:24.559 --> 00:35:33.119 A longitudinal study revealed that two-thirds of unhappy marriages will be happy in five years simply if they stay married and do not get divorced. 00:35:33.920 --> 00:35:42.400 The honeymoon stage, the disillusionment stage, if only they would change, the misery stage, you realize you can't change them, then if you lean in. 00:35:43.280 --> 00:35:51.760 If you allow God to work on your heart, the awakening stage is you stop trying to change them and you ask, What can I do to change? 00:35:52.719 --> 00:35:55.519 What can I do to change? 00:35:57.280 --> 00:35:59.199 It's about nine years ago. 00:35:59.440 --> 00:36:04.000 Um our marriage was really struggling. 00:36:05.440 --> 00:36:10.239 That's hard to say as a pastor because like if your marriage is struggling, who do you talk to? 00:36:10.320 --> 00:36:16.880 And like if your marriage doesn't work out, like you don't even have like a job after that, you know. 00:36:21.039 --> 00:36:31.760 And I remember I was at this kind of all-day soul care retreat, and I I just had space and time to uh to think. 00:36:32.159 --> 00:36:37.519 And I was definitely in that misery stage, and I'm griping, I'm like, God, this why don't she do this? 00:36:37.599 --> 00:36:42.480 And I've tried this, and you know, all these other things, and going back and forth. 00:36:42.800 --> 00:36:46.960 And then finally, like after a full day, it dawned on me, Ryan. 00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:48.239 What about you? 00:36:49.199 --> 00:36:53.280 See, when your heart is hard, you actually don't want to be still or be silent. 00:36:53.360 --> 00:36:59.440 You want to stay busy because when you're still and silent, the Holy Spirit has the opportunity to break through your hardness and speak to you. 00:37:00.079 --> 00:37:09.280 We need more stillness and silence as a culture and as a church and as a people to let the Spirit of God speak and deal with us. 00:37:11.280 --> 00:37:13.920 And I began to confess my brokenness. 00:37:14.079 --> 00:37:18.960 And it was out of that time I was finally willing, let's get counseling. 00:37:19.599 --> 00:37:22.800 We just started, we we we still see Sue to this day. 00:37:22.880 --> 00:37:25.760 We talk about Sue like she's a friend, she's our therapist. 00:37:26.079 --> 00:37:28.000 Like, oh, Sue said this, you know. 00:37:28.159 --> 00:37:30.400 I just was talking to friends the other day about Sue. 00:37:30.559 --> 00:37:34.400 And and uh, but but here's what I gotta tell you. 00:37:34.960 --> 00:37:40.719 If you're in the misery stage and you finally are starting to ask the question, what can I do to change? 00:37:40.880 --> 00:37:44.880 And you realize, you know what, maybe I need some counseling, maybe we need some counseling. 00:37:45.039 --> 00:37:51.519 Here's what we found is when you step into counseling, it doesn't immediately get better, it often gets worse. 00:37:51.760 --> 00:37:53.760 It's like cleaning the garage. 00:37:55.840 --> 00:37:59.039 You open it up, and there's a reason you don't deal with it. 00:37:59.599 --> 00:38:00.000 Right? 00:38:00.159 --> 00:38:01.280 Well, I don't deal with it. 00:38:01.360 --> 00:38:04.880 You open it up, you're like, oh, let's just close that and hide that. 00:38:06.559 --> 00:38:10.960 Because you know to actually deal with it, you have to pull all of it out. 00:38:11.920 --> 00:38:17.519 And it looks worse than it ever did before because it's now all in the light, it's all revealed. 00:38:18.000 --> 00:38:21.760 And then you take the time to work through and put things back. 00:38:22.000 --> 00:38:25.599 That is the process many marriages in this room need. 00:38:27.119 --> 00:38:32.639 And have the courage to go, what do I need to change? 00:38:33.440 --> 00:38:34.719 What is my attitude? 00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:36.880 My thoughts. 00:38:37.840 --> 00:38:39.599 What are the things in me? 00:38:39.920 --> 00:38:45.199 And then out of that, you have the opportunity to step into the intimacy stage. 00:38:46.559 --> 00:38:52.320 You experience that teeness, that oneness, that commission. 00:38:53.519 --> 00:39:01.360 And I'd love to say that you just always stay in the intimacy stage, but I think we go through this cycle multiple times through our married life. 00:39:01.519 --> 00:39:08.400 And that couple before confirmed the very same thing. 00:39:09.119 --> 00:39:09.920 What is marriage? 00:39:10.079 --> 00:39:12.880 It's the holy covenant, its purpose. 00:39:13.039 --> 00:39:17.599 God has a beautiful purpose for you together to be on mission. 00:39:18.400 --> 00:39:20.239 The problem is our hearts. 00:39:21.599 --> 00:39:22.719 Our hearts. 00:39:23.280 --> 00:39:28.719 You know, one of the biggest barriers to actually knowing something is the belief that you already know. 00:39:30.079 --> 00:39:31.440 How do you define marriage? 00:39:32.719 --> 00:39:34.159 Where'd that come from? 00:39:35.039 --> 00:39:43.280 And would you let and allow Jesus' vision of marriage to begin to seep into your soul and become your vision of marriage? 00:39:43.440 --> 00:39:46.559 If you're a follower of Jesus, that is our encouragement. 00:39:46.800 --> 00:39:49.679 Heavenly Father, I ask for my friends today. 00:39:50.559 --> 00:40:02.960 As we wrestle with this deep and profound reality of your grace and your love and your vision for this one-flesh marriage. 00:40:04.159 --> 00:40:18.159 I pray for those who are struggling, who are alone, who are in a marriage or a relationship that they just feel stuck in the misery describes it perfectly. 00:40:18.480 --> 00:40:19.679 Would you breathe life? 00:40:19.840 --> 00:40:20.960 Would you breathe hope? 00:40:21.119 --> 00:40:22.639 Would you breathe your peace? 00:40:22.960 --> 00:40:24.880 Would you speak to them? 00:40:27.679 --> 00:40:33.440 I gotta pray for those that the relationships are gone. 00:40:35.599 --> 00:40:37.440 That the season is lonely. 00:40:40.239 --> 00:40:41.440 Would you breathe hope? 00:40:41.599 --> 00:40:45.679 Would you allow the family of Jesus to be family? 00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:54.239 That we would be your community of strength and courage, uplifting one another. 00:40:54.880 --> 00:40:56.480 In Jesus' name. 00:40:57.920 --> 00:41:00.239 We hope you are blessed by this message. 00:41:00.480 --> 00:41:04.880 Please subscribe to our podcast for access to every episode as they're uploaded. 00:41:05.039 --> 00:41:07.119 And hey, we'd love to connect with you. 00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:13.039 Take a next step by filling out our virtual connection card at awakeningchurch.comslash card.