WEBVTT 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.319 Welcome to the Awakening Church podcast. 00:00:02.479 --> 00:00:07.040 We pray this message encourages you and provides the hope and light of Jesus Christ. 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:08.640 Thanks for tuning in. 00:00:19.519 --> 00:00:26.399 We're in a series called Unstuck, where we're just wrestling, asking, like, how do we get unstuck in the significant areas of life? 00:00:26.559 --> 00:00:28.640 What is God's wisdom for us? 00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:33.520 And we're spending two weeks right now just on how do you get unstuck relationally. 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:49.119 And here's the truth for all of us is we all long to have an intimate, life-giving, character-shaping relationship with someone that has a rugged commitment to one another. 00:00:49.280 --> 00:01:01.359 Whether you're introverted or extroverted, we all desperately long for that deep, soul-refreshing, life-giving, intimate, encouraging person in our life. 00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:12.239 Now, one of the great threats or opportunities for that is this area or this issue of conflict. 00:01:12.719 --> 00:01:18.159 How we deal with conflict will either make or break our relationships, won't it? 00:01:18.319 --> 00:01:19.359 And we've all experienced it. 00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:35.120 We've all dealt with it poorly and have had it break relationships, and there's times where we've seen it, or maybe we've heard about where it's worked well, and you saw someone who got even deeper and more connected as a result of conflict. 00:01:35.200 --> 00:01:40.000 And so here's what we want to do with our time today is how do we navigate conflict well? 00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:44.079 And we want to discover what is God's wisdom and how to do this well. 00:01:44.159 --> 00:01:49.200 And secondly, how do we lean in with love when there's relational friction? 00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:51.680 In fact, the sermon title today is friction. 00:01:52.000 --> 00:01:54.239 Go ahead and say to your neighbor friction. 00:01:55.599 --> 00:01:59.599 And then maybe just say it with a gritted teeth, friction, you know? 00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:01.280 Because that's kind of how we feel. 00:02:01.359 --> 00:02:02.879 It's like, oh, friction. 00:02:03.120 --> 00:02:03.920 Here's what I want to do. 00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:14.240 I want to give just kind of three big observations about conflict, uh, why conflict is so difficult, and then what's some practical ways of how we can resolve conflict well. 00:02:14.400 --> 00:02:16.960 Uh, first, three observations about conflict. 00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:20.560 The first one uh is conflict's unavoidable, isn't it? 00:02:20.800 --> 00:02:22.400 It's just unavoidable. 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:24.560 Uh and there's lots of reasons for this. 00:02:24.639 --> 00:02:27.039 I don't want to spend all the time we live in a fallen world. 00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:32.240 Sometimes it's just personality, sometimes it's our sin nature, but it's unavoidable. 00:02:32.400 --> 00:02:39.039 No matter how good or godly you are, you know, or in a relationship, you will experience friction. 00:02:39.280 --> 00:02:41.759 You will experience conflict. 00:02:42.080 --> 00:02:49.039 So begin to just embrace the reality we need to learn how to deal with and resolve conflict. 00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:52.000 Well, the second thing is conflict's difficult, isn't it? 00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:53.360 It's just difficult. 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:55.280 There's a reason we're not good at it. 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:59.039 And in fact, I want to give you four reasons why it's difficult. 00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:02.879 Uh, but it is, let's just let's just acknowledge it right at the outset. 00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:04.639 Man, it's hard. 00:03:04.960 --> 00:03:05.599 Huh. 00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:11.439 And finally, conflict, we said this, we closed last week, is an opportunity to grow. 00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:24.879 It actually is an opportunity, or perhaps even better, a doorway towards intimacy when done well, and not a slam door in our face, which it often feels like when it's not done well. 00:03:25.120 --> 00:03:28.000 And here is where we get our memory verse. 00:03:28.080 --> 00:03:30.080 Yes, we're doing a memory verse together as a church. 00:03:30.159 --> 00:03:32.159 If you're new, there's a three by five card. 00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:34.159 I am old school that way. 00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:37.039 Would love for you to write it down on it. 00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:39.439 And it's uh Proverbs 27, 17. 00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:45.280 It says, as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. 00:03:45.439 --> 00:03:47.039 Can you say that with me? 00:03:47.520 --> 00:03:53.520 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. 00:03:53.840 --> 00:04:09.919 Here's what the Proverbs telling us is that people are put in your life to refine you, to mature you, to grow you, to sharpen you. 00:04:11.280 --> 00:04:14.159 And here's the other part of it. 00:04:14.319 --> 00:04:17.040 Um, I I don't know if this is legal or not. 00:04:17.279 --> 00:04:20.399 Um I brought knives to school. 00:04:20.639 --> 00:04:30.399 Um says as iron, this is my this is my set right here, sharpens iron, and so you got one of these, you know, you heard that yeah. 00:04:31.759 --> 00:04:33.519 Sharpens iron, right? 00:04:35.600 --> 00:04:38.800 So one person sharpens another. 00:04:38.959 --> 00:04:43.839 Uh and in fact, actually, what's interesting is uh I learned this this week. 00:04:43.920 --> 00:04:54.959 I love to cook, actually, but uh did you know uh a sharpening still doesn't actually sharpen, it just takes off the curve on the very front, so you get this little curve on your blade. 00:04:55.040 --> 00:05:00.079 But what actually sharpens best is what's known as a whetstone right here. 00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:05.040 In fact, you'll soak this stone and then you'll begin to just drag it. 00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:07.199 How's that sound? 00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:08.480 You like that sound? 00:05:08.560 --> 00:05:09.120 Hang on. 00:05:16.160 --> 00:05:20.879 To take the rough edges, and some of you are like, Ryan, a knife was a bad thing for a conflict. 00:05:21.040 --> 00:05:24.160 Aren't you supposed to put those away during a conflict? 00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:34.000 To take off the rough edges of your life, we actually need one another, and friction is required. 00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:35.680 Sparks happen. 00:05:37.439 --> 00:05:40.959 That's actually part of our maturing process. 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:48.399 And so when we lean away from it, it's like what happened uh with when we were first married, uh, we got a knife set. 00:05:48.560 --> 00:05:50.639 I knew nothing about knives, what to do. 00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:52.240 It was a wedding gift. 00:05:52.319 --> 00:05:53.279 We had it for years. 00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:56.560 Eventually, I'm like, this thing doesn't work anymore. 00:05:57.360 --> 00:05:58.480 It's dull. 00:05:58.639 --> 00:05:59.600 And so what do we do? 00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:02.079 We threw it away and got a new knife set. 00:06:02.720 --> 00:06:04.720 Isn't that what we do relationally? 00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:08.160 We just hang in there for I'm gonna stop walking around with the knife. 00:06:08.240 --> 00:06:10.160 I'm making some of some of you nervous. 00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:12.959 But that's what we do relationally, isn't it true? 00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:22.800 We have a relationship, we hit a conflict, we don't deal with it, or we deal with it poorly, and we just kind of eek through, and then eventually we just trade for another relationship. 00:06:23.120 --> 00:06:34.240 And God says, I've actually put people in your life on purpose, and I want to use them to refine you and shape you, and vice versa, for you to refine and shape them. 00:06:34.480 --> 00:06:39.920 Conflict is an opportunity to grow, and yet we use it as an opportunity to go. 00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:44.480 And so let's talk about why is conflict so very difficult, and then what do we do? 00:06:44.560 --> 00:06:45.439 How do we resolve it? 00:06:45.519 --> 00:06:47.920 Well, first, why is conflict difficult? 00:06:48.079 --> 00:06:52.560 Uh the first reason is we lack personal objectivity. 00:06:52.800 --> 00:07:00.240 And here's the problem is when we're mad and in conflict, we think we have perfect objectivity, right? 00:07:00.639 --> 00:07:01.600 But we lack it. 00:07:01.759 --> 00:07:10.639 In fact, uh Proverbs 26 uh 14, 12 says, there's a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. 00:07:10.879 --> 00:07:13.519 There's a way that looks right, and isn't that so true? 00:07:13.600 --> 00:07:26.160 That we get into conflicts and we're like, we know exactly what the problem was, we know the issue, and go into it, and then the reality is it only brought pain and heartache or fracture to the relationship. 00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:31.120 Uh, one of the great books, if you want to dive deeper on this, is a book called Crucial Conversation. 00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:37.120 Not a Christian book, but I think one of the best books on how to have these types of tough conversations. 00:07:37.360 --> 00:07:51.759 In it, he talks about mastering your story, that we all tell each ourselves a story, and it's actually that story from an event that produces these strong emotions, and we got to be careful of the story we're telling ourselves. 00:07:51.920 --> 00:07:56.079 Uh, the first story that so often we tell ourselves is the victim story. 00:07:56.240 --> 00:07:57.680 It's not my fault. 00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:00.399 It makes us an innocent sufferer. 00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:05.759 The other person is bad, wrong, or dumb, and we're good, right, or brilliant. 00:08:06.639 --> 00:08:08.399 It's not my fault. 00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:13.120 And I'll say this probably twice, but I love this adage. 00:08:13.279 --> 00:08:17.040 It's kind of an old kind of Texas saying. 00:08:17.279 --> 00:08:21.600 No matter how flat a pancake, there's always two sides. 00:08:22.399 --> 00:08:31.839 And this victim story says, I am not at fault in any way, and you're completely out of fault, and you're the worst, and I'm the best. 00:08:32.399 --> 00:08:33.279 The victim story. 00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:36.399 The second then builds into that the villain's story. 00:08:36.559 --> 00:08:38.000 It's all their fault. 00:08:38.159 --> 00:08:46.000 It exaggerates our own innocence while you know overemphasizing the other person's guilt. 00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:49.759 Uh, we then impute bad motives. 00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:51.919 And that's so powerful. 00:08:52.240 --> 00:09:06.399 When we begin to say, and this is why you're doing these things, and we build these stories out and impute bad motives, uh, we often then uh begin to label they're just an idiot. 00:09:06.799 --> 00:09:08.480 They always do this. 00:09:09.440 --> 00:09:23.039 And we gotta watch out when for double standards, because what happens is because we give them bad motives, we always judge them poorly, but then we judge our motives as purely, don't we? 00:09:23.600 --> 00:09:28.399 And like, well, you know, I I was this because, and we begin to excuse our behavior. 00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:32.080 The victim story, the villain story, and then the helpless story. 00:09:32.399 --> 00:09:34.559 Well, there's nothing else I can do. 00:09:35.440 --> 00:09:41.039 We make ourselves to be powerless to do anything healthy or helpful. 00:09:42.639 --> 00:09:44.960 We I can't do anything. 00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:52.240 We turn the other behavior into an unchangeable, uh, fixed trait. 00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:54.399 This is the way they always are. 00:09:54.559 --> 00:09:56.879 If I speak up, they're gonna respond this way. 00:09:57.039 --> 00:10:01.440 And we gotta realize these are stories that keep us stuck. 00:10:01.600 --> 00:10:03.279 Uh, why conflict's so difficult? 00:10:03.440 --> 00:10:05.600 First, we lack personal objectivity. 00:10:05.679 --> 00:10:07.039 We buy into these stories. 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:09.039 Victim, villain, help, help us. 00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:12.080 Secondly, we choose the wrong moment, don't we? 00:10:12.399 --> 00:10:19.120 You know, we're doing this um finance series together in our small groups called Freed Up. 00:10:19.200 --> 00:10:26.559 And you might, if you're a couple, you might have already experienced a little bit of friction as you begin to talk about finances. 00:10:26.639 --> 00:10:32.720 And in fact, um, we were, Jenny and I were about to talk about, and I said, let's do this after I talk on conflict. 00:10:32.799 --> 00:10:37.919 Because inevitably, when you preach on conflict, what happens is you get in a fight as a married couple. 00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:40.240 We're like, let's try to delay this. 00:10:40.399 --> 00:10:48.480 Uh, Proverbs 15, 23 says, a person finds joy in giving an apt reply, and how good is a timely word. 00:10:49.600 --> 00:10:53.279 And you know when the wrong time is to talk about finances? 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:58.000 When you're stressed and pressed in it. 00:10:58.720 --> 00:11:01.120 And when do we begin to talk about it? 00:11:01.360 --> 00:11:06.639 Well, you shouldn't have done that, and well, we shouldn't have spent that, and all of a sudden it just blows up. 00:11:06.960 --> 00:11:11.200 We have the wrong uh time or the wrong moment. 00:11:11.600 --> 00:11:20.000 Uh often we might jump into something, we feel like we have to address it right away, and uh we don't have enough time to actually talk about it. 00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:26.480 Uh we lack personal objectivity, we choose the wrong moment, uh, we have the wrong emotion. 00:11:27.360 --> 00:11:35.759 Proverbs 15, 18 says, a hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. 00:11:36.320 --> 00:11:36.960 Anger. 00:11:37.840 --> 00:11:39.600 Reacting in anger. 00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:47.440 Now, here's one of the things that's in really important because I think we all have a different relationship with anger. 00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:50.960 Um, anger is not bad in and of itself. 00:11:51.440 --> 00:11:54.000 And we actually we gotta become more comfortable. 00:11:54.159 --> 00:11:57.679 In fact, the Bible says, be angry and yet do not sin. 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:00.639 Like their anger is an important emotion. 00:12:00.799 --> 00:12:03.919 The purpose of anger is that you have a problem to solve. 00:12:04.159 --> 00:12:09.039 Anxiety tells us to move away from something, anger tells you to move towards it. 00:12:09.279 --> 00:12:15.600 Irritation, frustration, impatience, exasperation, maybe even building to rage. 00:12:15.840 --> 00:12:20.559 Anger, though, always is a secondary emotion. 00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:26.320 So you're feeling that anger, you have to wrestle with, why am I angry? 00:12:26.480 --> 00:12:35.840 And so when we react in anger at the outset, we may not actually be addressing the real thing because you actually you might be angry because you're afraid. 00:12:36.080 --> 00:12:49.039 I had this in a parenting moment uh not too long ago where uh there was stuff going on with uh one of my teenagers, nothing bad, just normal teenage stuff, but I was I was just reacting to it. 00:12:49.360 --> 00:12:56.639 And I realized, oh, that anger actually had more to do not with anything that they were doing, it was all me. 00:12:57.200 --> 00:12:59.200 It was fears that I had. 00:13:00.159 --> 00:13:03.120 So you always ask, why am I angry? 00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:04.320 Take a moment. 00:13:04.799 --> 00:13:05.440 Pause. 00:13:05.919 --> 00:13:08.960 What is the emotion underneath that? 00:13:09.440 --> 00:13:14.720 Objectivity, moment, emotion, and then finally, we use the wrong approach, don't we? 00:13:14.799 --> 00:13:16.159 And we're gonna talk a lot about this. 00:13:16.399 --> 00:13:23.039 Proverbs 15, 1 says, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:26.639 What is your natural response to a conflict? 00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:29.039 I'll give you three kind of typical ones. 00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:40.080 One is you're maybe you're a stuffer, you're passive, you're the pressure cooker, which is dangerous because eventually you do explode, but it takes a long time. 00:13:40.559 --> 00:13:43.279 Give the silent treatment, withdraw quietly. 00:13:43.360 --> 00:13:50.639 Uh instead of communicating honestly, you secretly harbor maybe some bitterness and pain. 00:13:50.879 --> 00:13:52.159 You're a stuffer. 00:13:52.399 --> 00:13:53.519 You hold it in. 00:13:53.759 --> 00:13:55.200 Maybe you're a spewer. 00:13:55.360 --> 00:13:56.240 That's more me. 00:13:56.480 --> 00:13:57.440 Aggressive. 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:07.039 Controller, uh, you uh you just bulldoze over people, maybe explode, words come quickly right away. 00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:09.679 You have to be right, you love winning. 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:11.039 Or maybe that's just me. 00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:12.639 I was just reflecting on me. 00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:15.919 Stuffer, spewer, leaker. 00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:18.320 This is one of the most dangerous of them. 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:20.000 It's the passive aggressive. 00:14:22.480 --> 00:14:34.080 You have veiled criticism, indirect comments, uh, backhanded compliments, procrastination, sarcasm, victimization, feigned innocence. 00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:36.879 Um you just kind of hint at things. 00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:39.919 You never really address, you just kind of drip. 00:14:40.240 --> 00:14:44.639 You just drip it in, and it's nonstop and it's destructive. 00:14:44.879 --> 00:14:47.039 Um, I love Proverbs 15:1. 00:14:47.279 --> 00:14:49.440 It's one of my go-to verses that we just said. 00:14:49.679 --> 00:14:53.360 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 00:14:53.519 --> 00:14:57.200 And my natural, I think you gotta ask, what is your natural response? 00:14:57.360 --> 00:15:00.559 Because if you're aggressive, you actually need to slow down. 00:15:01.279 --> 00:15:04.159 If you're passive, you actually need to speak up. 00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:06.960 If you're passive, aggressive, well, that's a whole nother thing. 00:15:07.039 --> 00:15:08.240 We'll talk about that. 00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:14.320 But I'm I I tend to be the spewer. 00:15:14.399 --> 00:15:26.480 We were at a keys years ago, my kids were small, uh, and it was a Sunday afternoon, and there was a group of about 15 uh 20-something year olds, and they'd been there for a while. 00:15:26.639 --> 00:15:32.480 And they had enjoyed probably several key industrial strength, margaritas. 00:15:33.039 --> 00:15:41.759 And they were quite loud, obnoxiously loud, yelling, and they were quite grotesque in their language. 00:15:41.919 --> 00:15:49.919 And there's a little bit of this, you know, that I'm just my kids are little, uh, you know, I think my youngest was maybe in the baby age and toddler. 00:15:50.000 --> 00:16:00.720 And I'm like, how much is it just letting them kind of experience, and this is just life, to the point where it got um, it was like, wow, this is bad. 00:16:00.960 --> 00:16:11.759 And so I'm like, my natural would be like, hey, shut up, and that's not gonna help anything uh because a gent uh harsh word what stirs up conflict, and so I'm like, okay, a gentle answer. 00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:13.200 What's my natural now? 00:16:13.279 --> 00:16:14.720 How am I gonna adjust this? 00:16:14.879 --> 00:16:26.639 And I mean, I'm like, I felt like it came to where I needed to do something, and so I go, like, hey guys, I love this, and they kind of all stop and look at me. 00:16:26.879 --> 00:16:28.639 And I told them what I loved. 00:16:28.799 --> 00:16:32.720 I'm like, clearly, you guys are great friends and hanging together. 00:16:32.799 --> 00:16:34.000 That's amazing. 00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:35.519 How cool is that? 00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:40.639 I'm like, you just it's it's amazing that you have this strength of friendship and relationship and hanging out. 00:16:40.799 --> 00:16:41.679 Now, here's the deal. 00:16:41.759 --> 00:16:46.639 I I just have these small kids, and you know, their conversation was kind of lewd and not good. 00:16:46.799 --> 00:16:50.639 Um, and all they did was turn and their face went. 00:16:52.399 --> 00:16:56.320 And one dude's like, I am so sorry, I had no idea. 00:16:56.559 --> 00:17:00.720 I have a nephew, I would never talk like that, you know, in front of him. 00:17:01.039 --> 00:17:04.319 He just felt so poorly, and they're like, Oh my goodness. 00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:05.680 And I'm like, No, no, no, no, no problem. 00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:07.440 I totally get it, you didn't get it, understand? 00:17:07.519 --> 00:17:09.839 And they're like, Oh, we're gonna be so much better. 00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:11.359 Can I buy you a margarita? 00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:13.759 I said, No, I'm I'm fine, I'm fine. 00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:20.720 Uh I go sit down, and it's funny, people, other people sitting on the patio came up and thanked me for that. 00:17:20.880 --> 00:17:24.799 And then the guy did actually just bring me a margarita too, anyways. 00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:31.599 So you never know uh what happens when you deal with it, but we use the wrong approach. 00:17:31.839 --> 00:17:33.200 Why is it difficult? 00:17:33.440 --> 00:17:39.200 We lack up objectivity, we choose the wrong moment, the wrong emotion, or even the wrong approach. 00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:41.839 Well, how do we resolve conflict healthily? 00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:47.039 Let me give you just kind of four big ideas to help us navigate this well. 00:17:47.200 --> 00:17:51.440 First, uh, we have to define the problem on our own. 00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:55.039 Before we go to someone else, define the problem on your own. 00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:58.079 First, examine your heart and part. 00:17:58.480 --> 00:18:02.559 Remember, I said, no matter how flat a pancake, there's always two sides. 00:18:02.720 --> 00:18:04.240 We have to examine our heart. 00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:12.079 Jesus would say, before you take the speck out of your brother or sister's eye, what are you what are you supposed to do? 00:18:12.400 --> 00:18:14.880 Take the log out of your eye. 00:18:15.119 --> 00:18:20.480 And we have to have the humility to realize maybe I'm not seeing this 100% clearly. 00:18:20.960 --> 00:18:24.559 And maybe there's some part in this that I play. 00:18:24.799 --> 00:18:28.480 Even if it's 1%, get clear on your 1%. 00:18:28.960 --> 00:18:31.599 Examine your heart and part two. 00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:33.200 This is powerful. 00:18:33.440 --> 00:18:36.400 Move from thinking about them to praying for them. 00:18:37.599 --> 00:18:41.359 Nothing will change and shape your heart more than praying for them. 00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:43.440 And you're like, Ryan, I don't want to. 00:18:44.640 --> 00:18:53.759 They made me so mad, or they treated my family so poorly, I'm so angry at them. 00:18:55.359 --> 00:18:56.240 Jesus said. 00:18:57.440 --> 00:19:00.160 Love your enemy, and what? 00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:03.519 Pray for those who persecute you. 00:19:05.200 --> 00:19:07.680 If you're a follower of Jesus, we don't have an option. 00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:10.559 That wasn't like, hey, here's a nice suggestion. 00:19:11.279 --> 00:19:14.559 I suggest that you love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you. 00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:15.200 He said, No. 00:19:15.519 --> 00:19:22.640 This is what Jesus followers do who live by an upside down kingdom, who do not go about life, the ways of this world. 00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:27.759 What we're gonna do is we're gonna love our enemies and we're gonna pray for those who persecute you. 00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:36.240 And so that person that you're in conflict with, one of the most powerful things you can do is move from thinking about them, which isn't it true? 00:19:36.319 --> 00:19:39.599 What we do is we just begin to play that story over and over. 00:19:39.680 --> 00:19:42.640 Uh, we're really good at arguments, or I am in my mind. 00:19:42.799 --> 00:19:44.720 I win all those ones, you know? 00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:53.039 And when you wake up at 1 a.m., 2 a.m., and you're just obsessing, thinking about them, you've lost your peace, you've only gained worry. 00:19:54.240 --> 00:19:55.440 Pray for them. 00:19:56.559 --> 00:19:57.599 Pray for them. 00:19:58.799 --> 00:20:01.440 And you can pray repentance for them too. 00:20:02.720 --> 00:20:04.240 And restoration. 00:20:05.759 --> 00:20:06.880 Pray for them. 00:20:07.680 --> 00:20:10.400 Examine your heart, move from thinking to praying. 00:20:10.720 --> 00:20:19.279 This is, I think, one of the most powerful relational uh practices that I learned early on in our marriage. 00:20:19.440 --> 00:20:23.440 I was at a marriage, um, just we were at a marriage night. 00:20:23.519 --> 00:20:35.039 It was actually uh, and this is the I got this principle back then, I've used it as true for every single relationship, friendship, uh, coworkers. 00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:37.680 Okay, move from thinking to praying about here it is. 00:20:37.920 --> 00:20:40.640 Give a generous explanation for their behavior. 00:20:40.720 --> 00:20:44.480 You've been around a while, you've heard me say this many, many times. 00:20:44.640 --> 00:20:47.519 What's the most generous explanation for their behavior? 00:20:47.680 --> 00:20:51.119 Remember, we tell stories, victim, villain, helpless. 00:20:51.279 --> 00:20:55.200 We go down the worst explanation for their behavior, don't we? 00:20:55.599 --> 00:21:00.720 Oh, they're only doing this, and we begin to assign motive to why they're doing it. 00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:02.160 That person cut me off. 00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:04.000 What a jerk. 00:21:04.880 --> 00:21:06.640 What's the most generous explanation? 00:21:06.880 --> 00:21:13.039 Oh, maybe they're pregnant and their water broke and they're on their way to the hospital. 00:21:13.200 --> 00:21:14.400 I don't know. 00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:17.039 What's the most generous explanation? 00:21:17.200 --> 00:21:23.839 When Jenny and I were first married, um, we used to get in arguments uh over little things, you know. 00:21:24.079 --> 00:21:27.680 We've grown and so we still get over arguments and little things. 00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:37.839 Um but but this is one of those ones where um this was like a really big deal for a while, uh, for me at least. 00:21:38.079 --> 00:21:45.440 Um I I I like to think of my organizational system as a uh a free organizer. 00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:48.319 I freely organize my stuff around the house. 00:21:48.400 --> 00:21:53.920 And so I used to just kind of drop my keys over here, my backpack over here, this over there. 00:21:54.240 --> 00:21:59.839 Uh and then Jenny, I I described her organization as a pilot. 00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:07.200 She would take all my freely organized stuff and then begin to pile it by my bedside table. 00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:09.119 And I'm like, I hate, I hate piles. 00:22:09.200 --> 00:22:11.119 They stress me out, they overwhelm me. 00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:12.160 I can't see it. 00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:14.480 It's all like I'm like, oh my gosh. 00:22:14.559 --> 00:22:17.039 And I go, Ginny, I really hate piles. 00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:20.000 And she's like, I really hate your free organizing. 00:22:20.640 --> 00:22:24.480 And so and so we would have this friction. 00:22:25.200 --> 00:22:27.440 And you know what I started to do? 00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:32.799 I started to assume motive on why she would take my stuff and pile it. 00:22:33.119 --> 00:22:35.839 She does that just to make me mad. 00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:39.599 She knows I hate that, and yet she's still doing it. 00:22:39.680 --> 00:22:40.799 We talked about this. 00:22:41.039 --> 00:22:42.960 She doesn't even really love me anymore. 00:22:43.039 --> 00:22:43.920 I bet you. 00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:46.559 Oh, what an idiot. 00:22:46.880 --> 00:22:49.039 Me, by the way, the idiot. 00:22:50.319 --> 00:22:53.599 What's the most generous explanation for her behavior? 00:22:54.079 --> 00:22:59.920 She's actually trying to create a home that's welcoming and a beautiful environment for everybody. 00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:04.880 And my free organization actually wasn't helpful to that. 00:23:06.960 --> 00:23:12.079 Begin to ask, process, before you ever meet with somebody, talk to somebody. 00:23:12.240 --> 00:23:14.799 What's the most generous explanation for their behavior? 00:23:14.880 --> 00:23:19.359 And then finally, seek outside wise counsel if necessary. 00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:21.039 If necessary. 00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:25.440 This is not getting somebody on your side. 00:23:26.000 --> 00:23:30.319 This is not asking for prayer, but actually it's gossip. 00:23:30.720 --> 00:23:32.880 Oh, please pray for Betty. 00:23:33.599 --> 00:23:35.759 She's just been a jerk lately. 00:23:36.079 --> 00:23:36.480 Right? 00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:39.599 We do this in the church. 00:23:40.400 --> 00:23:45.039 This is not building an alliance to get somebody on your team. 00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:47.200 This is, I really need wisdom. 00:23:47.359 --> 00:23:48.160 I'm stuck here. 00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:49.920 Am I thinking about this well? 00:23:50.160 --> 00:23:53.119 What are the areas where I need to see this better? 00:23:53.279 --> 00:23:55.680 Actually, my wife is so good at this for me. 00:23:55.839 --> 00:23:56.960 And we need people like this. 00:23:57.119 --> 00:23:58.960 I remember there was an issue with somebody. 00:23:59.039 --> 00:24:01.200 I came home, I'm so mad, da-da-da-da. 00:24:01.599 --> 00:24:05.680 And she totally just said, actually, here's the flip side of that. 00:24:05.759 --> 00:24:08.720 And I'm like, I want you on my team. 00:24:09.680 --> 00:24:11.759 And she was 100% right. 00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:13.680 And it's exactly what I needed here. 00:24:13.839 --> 00:24:16.000 We need people who will speak the truth to us. 00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:20.400 So, first, uh, before we uh do anything, define the problem on your own. 00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:23.839 Second, set a time to talk, don't put it off. 00:24:24.799 --> 00:24:31.200 Proverbs 14, 9 says, Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright. 00:24:31.359 --> 00:24:36.720 And this is one of the hardest parts of actually setting a time of going, you know what? 00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:41.119 Hey, I need to just get some time with you. 00:24:41.279 --> 00:24:45.519 There's some things that have been bugging me that uh we need to talk about. 00:24:45.680 --> 00:24:50.799 Or you remember last night, that comment, I'd love to circle back on that. 00:24:51.119 --> 00:24:52.880 And I love Brene Brown. 00:24:52.960 --> 00:24:59.359 She talks about eight seconds of courage because we hate, you know, having this, we so shy away from this. 00:24:59.440 --> 00:25:01.759 We choose like doing nothing. 00:25:01.839 --> 00:25:06.640 Uh, and and I get that, uh, but doing nothing is not a plan. 00:25:06.880 --> 00:25:10.960 Uh, and so she says, actually, the worst of it lasts about eight seconds. 00:25:11.039 --> 00:25:13.680 And if you can lean in for eight seconds, it's like a bull ride. 00:25:13.759 --> 00:25:15.839 You stay on the bull for eight seconds, you won. 00:25:15.920 --> 00:25:20.720 Uh, you'll get through the toughest part of the emotional side of that. 00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:23.519 Okay, so set up a time to talk. 00:25:23.599 --> 00:25:28.480 And now listen, the harder the message, the more human the method. 00:25:28.880 --> 00:25:31.680 The harder the message, the more human the method. 00:25:31.759 --> 00:25:47.039 There's been a lot of research done on this, varying degrees, uh, but uh one researcher said 55% of communication is nonverbal, 38% is tonal, 7% is your words. 00:25:50.720 --> 00:25:58.000 One of the things of taking the easy road out is if we send an email, if we send a text. 00:25:58.480 --> 00:26:04.400 And what you did is you just cut off so much of the ways we communicate. 00:26:04.720 --> 00:26:09.680 Because now, if it's just an email, the other person gets to read your tone and intent in it, right? 00:26:11.039 --> 00:26:13.920 There's the the harder the message, the more human the method. 00:26:14.160 --> 00:26:22.559 So listen, if I saw you and I said, good to see you, what would you assume? 00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:24.400 Not good to see you. 00:26:24.559 --> 00:26:24.880 Why? 00:26:25.119 --> 00:26:28.960 Because my face was frowned and my tone was down. 00:26:30.319 --> 00:26:30.960 Right? 00:26:31.440 --> 00:26:40.720 It didn't matter the words that I just said, my body posture, my eye contact, my tone, all of that matters. 00:26:40.960 --> 00:26:43.039 Great to see you, good to see you. 00:26:43.279 --> 00:26:45.039 All of a sudden changes. 00:26:45.440 --> 00:26:48.799 It means something completely different. 00:26:49.599 --> 00:26:53.920 Set aside a time to talk and realize this has to be in person. 00:26:55.119 --> 00:27:04.240 We have the beauty of, like sometimes there's relationships that are long distance we can't do in person, but we can do it, you know, whether it's FaceTime or Zoom or one of those. 00:27:04.319 --> 00:27:06.160 That's that's the second best way. 00:27:06.319 --> 00:27:09.039 And focus on one issue, not many issues. 00:27:09.200 --> 00:27:17.119 Uh, this is not a time to pull out your laundry list of all the things that you said, oh my goodness, here's what we need to do. 00:27:17.359 --> 00:27:30.480 Now, here's the other thing, and this is really for you spewers uh in the house, because um the the stuffers, like you need a little kick in the pants to actually have the conversation, right? 00:27:30.720 --> 00:27:36.319 Uh and the leakers, you you realize I can just drip, drip, drip. 00:27:36.400 --> 00:27:42.319 You need to take that time, write things really clear, and have a clear, honest conversation. 00:27:42.480 --> 00:27:48.240 But us spewers, um, we have to recognize not everything needs to be addressed. 00:27:49.759 --> 00:27:54.000 Uh Peter said, love covers a multitude of sins. 00:27:54.160 --> 00:27:59.680 The proverb says uh that to overlook an offense is to one's glory. 00:27:59.920 --> 00:28:04.400 And there is a space where we go, not everything needs to be addressed all the time. 00:28:04.559 --> 00:28:06.079 I did that early on in our marriage. 00:28:06.160 --> 00:28:13.839 You can only imagine I came from a family that was intense talkers, all leaders, everything was addressed, and my wife's like, this is exhausting. 00:28:14.079 --> 00:28:17.039 And she was right, absolutely right. 00:28:18.400 --> 00:28:26.480 And so, if this is going to skew the way you view someone, then it needs to be addressed. 00:28:26.880 --> 00:28:30.799 If you're able to go, you know what, I can let that go, and it doesn't impact. 00:28:30.880 --> 00:28:36.880 I'm not gonna go, they always, or that's just the way they are, I'm not gonna move down that labeling that it becomes a filter. 00:28:37.279 --> 00:28:38.880 Man, let it go. 00:28:39.599 --> 00:28:40.240 All right? 00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:45.119 And then address the problem, don't attack the person. 00:28:45.599 --> 00:28:46.880 Address the problem. 00:28:47.200 --> 00:28:54.799 It's not about being right, it's not winning is the goal, restoration, reconciliation. 00:28:54.960 --> 00:28:57.440 Uh first, lead with vulnerability. 00:28:58.079 --> 00:29:01.519 That means with that conversation, you're important to me. 00:29:01.839 --> 00:29:03.920 This relationship matters. 00:29:04.240 --> 00:29:08.240 I really love you and care about you in our relationship. 00:29:08.559 --> 00:29:10.799 Then speak the truth in love. 00:29:11.440 --> 00:29:20.799 Using, and we've all heard this, but it's actually, I sometimes we don't like to use formulas because um they feel like oh, not honest. 00:29:21.039 --> 00:29:22.480 It's so helpful. 00:29:22.720 --> 00:29:32.079 Instead of blame language, or you always, I feel blank when you did this. 00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:34.559 This is how it made me feel. 00:29:35.440 --> 00:29:37.839 And then seek understanding. 00:29:39.279 --> 00:29:45.680 Again, you gotta have the humility to recognize I don't have the full story. 00:29:46.000 --> 00:29:49.440 I don't know your motives, and I don't know all that's going on. 00:29:49.759 --> 00:29:51.200 Help me understand. 00:29:51.680 --> 00:29:54.720 Before I actually, you know, I'm trying to be understood. 00:29:54.799 --> 00:29:59.279 I'm gonna share, I'm gonna, this relationship matters, I'm gonna speak truth and love. 00:29:59.519 --> 00:30:01.200 Here's how I felt when this happened. 00:30:01.279 --> 00:30:02.559 Help me understand. 00:30:03.279 --> 00:30:05.839 Give me more of the context. 00:30:06.079 --> 00:30:08.960 And then make a plan and extend forgiveness. 00:30:09.039 --> 00:30:12.880 We'll actually spend quite a bit of time talking about forgiveness in our next series. 00:30:13.039 --> 00:30:14.799 We'll do a whole sermon series on this. 00:30:14.880 --> 00:30:18.640 So don't, if I'm rushing past that part, you're like, I don't know how to do that. 00:30:18.799 --> 00:30:21.519 Uh, we're gonna teach through Jesus' sayings from the cross. 00:30:21.599 --> 00:30:24.880 It's gonna be a powerful series leading up to Easter. 00:30:24.960 --> 00:30:27.039 And what was one of Jesus' sayings? 00:30:27.680 --> 00:30:32.240 Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. 00:30:32.400 --> 00:30:39.039 From the cross, Jesus declared forgiveness over those who were crucifying him. 00:30:39.519 --> 00:30:40.480 It's powerful. 00:30:40.640 --> 00:30:52.559 Forgiveness is powerful, and when we struggle or do not forgive, you know, one person said uh unforgiveness, and we've heard this before, is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person. 00:30:53.200 --> 00:30:53.519 Right? 00:30:53.680 --> 00:30:55.680 It's actually more harmful to our soul. 00:30:55.839 --> 00:31:03.039 Forgiveness simply means to let go of my right for revenge, that I'm no longer gonna hold this over you. 00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:05.680 And we'll talk more in that series. 00:31:05.839 --> 00:31:06.880 How do you do that? 00:31:07.039 --> 00:31:13.839 But make a plan, what's gonna change, and then learn and work to forgive from the heart. 00:31:13.920 --> 00:31:16.319 I'm gonna let go of my right to defend. 00:31:16.480 --> 00:31:18.640 All right, so how do we resolve conflict helpfully? 00:31:18.799 --> 00:31:26.160 Define it on your own, set up a time to talk, address the problem, don't attack the person, and then if stuck, get outside help. 00:31:26.400 --> 00:31:28.000 If stuck, get outside help. 00:31:28.160 --> 00:31:30.480 Matthew 18 walks through this process. 00:31:30.640 --> 00:31:36.400 If you see your brother or sister in sin, go to them privately and show it to them. 00:31:36.559 --> 00:31:37.839 Have the conversation. 00:31:38.079 --> 00:31:43.039 Then it says, if they will not listen to you, then bring two or three, and it says witnesses. 00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:50.160 People that can see and understand the problem and the issue, not people who have just sided with you. 00:31:50.880 --> 00:31:54.000 And this is talking about conflict within the church, Jesus is talking about. 00:31:54.160 --> 00:31:58.559 He says, and if still it persists, then bring it to the leadership of the church. 00:31:58.960 --> 00:32:03.680 But first, most of the time we go to other people, we don't ever go directly to the person. 00:32:04.720 --> 00:32:09.119 We need to learn how we that is maturing, that is the sharpening for us. 00:32:09.200 --> 00:32:11.759 That is how God wants to help us grow. 00:32:11.920 --> 00:32:15.119 Because when we just go to around, you know what it is? 00:32:15.279 --> 00:32:16.559 It's like doing this. 00:32:18.319 --> 00:32:20.720 We're actually dulling ourselves. 00:32:21.039 --> 00:32:31.119 When we're just going around people and we're talking about people behind their backs, or we're just building alliances, it's actually not growing us or them. 00:32:32.400 --> 00:32:34.640 Um, okay, that scared me. 00:32:41.039 --> 00:32:51.279 One of the most powerful things you will do is have the humility to recognize I need help. 00:32:52.880 --> 00:33:07.680 One of the areas that will keep you stuck, especially relationally, is the pride that I know best, and I can make it all work on my own. 00:33:08.799 --> 00:33:19.519 It was about maybe seven or eight years into our marriage, and any long-standing relationship, you develop well-worn grooves of communication and habits. 00:33:20.880 --> 00:33:29.759 And we were just stuck in a rut or a cycle, and we just kept going around. 00:33:31.680 --> 00:33:52.160 And it was like we both love Jesus, we're both, you know, really love each other, and yet we're we're we're both experiencing conflict that we just can't resolve on our own. 00:33:54.079 --> 00:34:00.480 And it felt like instead of, you know, putting water on a fire, it's putting gas on a fire. 00:34:00.720 --> 00:34:05.359 And every time we talked about it, it just felt like we just kept going in circles and stuck. 00:34:05.599 --> 00:34:10.159 And finally, we got help. 00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:12.159 We got outside help. 00:34:13.440 --> 00:34:15.119 We talk about Sue, our counselor. 00:34:15.360 --> 00:34:17.760 We've met with Sue like a decade now. 00:34:18.880 --> 00:34:20.559 Like she's family. 00:34:21.840 --> 00:34:25.360 Oh, Sue told us the other day, and you'll hear me sometimes talk about Sue. 00:34:25.440 --> 00:34:34.079 It was really confusing because we used to have someone uh that served in our prayer ministry, her name was Sue, and everyone thought she was our counselor, and they're like, Oh, is it her? 00:34:34.239 --> 00:34:35.760 No, no, no, no, it's Dr. 00:34:36.000 --> 00:34:36.480 Sue. 00:34:36.719 --> 00:34:44.880 Um, it was so hard for me to finally admit, need help. 00:34:45.039 --> 00:34:47.840 I can't figure this out on my own. 00:34:48.079 --> 00:35:00.000 And and the first moments of it were actually quite painful because all of a sudden you're starting to uncover and deal with stuff that you just haven't really dealt with in a long time. 00:35:00.159 --> 00:35:04.000 I kind of use the illustration of it's like it's cleaning out the garage. 00:35:04.559 --> 00:35:08.639 It gets worse before it gets better because you're taking everything out. 00:35:09.519 --> 00:35:27.920 But I can't tell you how helpful and powerful it is to have an outside expert voice that is for both of us that has given us tools and then begins to speak in and help us hear from the other person because there's just times where you just can't hear what they're saying. 00:35:28.480 --> 00:35:39.519 And so if you're stuck, and this isn't just a marriage thing, this is a friend thing, this is a roommate thing, this is a coworker thing. 00:35:39.840 --> 00:35:41.280 You find yourself stuck. 00:35:41.440 --> 00:35:47.280 Maybe it's not just that they're a bad person, but would you get outside help? 00:35:48.320 --> 00:35:55.440 Get somebody that could come and help you navigate and get some clarity. 00:35:55.920 --> 00:35:56.559 Conflict. 00:35:56.880 --> 00:35:58.159 It's unavoidable. 00:35:59.119 --> 00:36:00.639 Boy, is it difficult. 00:36:00.960 --> 00:36:07.760 But it's an opportunity to grow as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. 00:36:08.079 --> 00:36:15.840 Now let me ask you is there somebody in your life today that you need to actually begin to go through this process? 00:36:16.639 --> 00:36:23.119 Someone that you go, like, you know what, I've just been putting it off, or I just put them completely out of my life? 00:36:23.599 --> 00:36:28.880 And you just need to have an important, significant conversation with them. 00:36:29.119 --> 00:36:33.519 Would you write that name down and begin praying about them, not just thinking about them? 00:36:33.760 --> 00:36:36.239 Heavenly Father, thank you so much for today. 00:36:36.400 --> 00:36:38.159 Thank you for your grace. 00:36:39.039 --> 00:36:54.159 Thank you that even the thing that feels so awkward and hard and difficult, you actually longed to use that in our lives to mature us, to make us more like your son Jesus, to grow us. 00:36:55.599 --> 00:37:05.920 And I pray uh for my friends, as the reality is all of us have stuff that's happening, whether it's in a friendship or a marriage. 00:37:07.119 --> 00:37:13.039 Would you give us the wisdom to know what to do and the courage to do it, no matter how hard. 00:37:13.199 --> 00:37:15.519 In Jesus' name, amen. 00:37:16.719 --> 00:37:18.960 We hope you are blessed by this message. 00:37:19.199 --> 00:37:23.599 Please subscribe to our podcast for access to every episode as they're uploaded. 00:37:23.760 --> 00:37:25.840 And hey, we'd love to connect with you. 00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:31.920 Take a next step by filling out our virtual connection card at awakeningchurch.com slash card.