WEBVTT 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.319 Welcome to the Awakening Church podcast. 00:00:02.479 --> 00:00:07.040 We pray this message encourages you and provides the hope and light of Jesus Christ. 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:08.640 Thanks for tuning in. 00:00:19.280 --> 00:00:22.719 We're concluding our series marriage material today. 00:00:22.960 --> 00:00:25.359 And we've been having a conversation. 00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:27.920 I've been, well, not we, I've been having a conversation with my wife. 00:00:28.079 --> 00:00:31.760 I wanted you to hear not just from me, but also from my wife. 00:00:31.839 --> 00:00:38.320 And so I thought to kick off our time today, here's the final installment of a conversation with my wife. 00:00:50.240 --> 00:00:51.439 Alright, you ready, Glenn? 00:00:52.240 --> 00:00:52.719 We're rolling. 00:00:56.240 --> 00:01:02.560 Just the natural tendency in life is for the urgent to take over the important. 00:01:03.200 --> 00:01:06.560 What does that look like over the course of our marriage? 00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:08.799 I think I'm thinking of like several things. 00:01:09.599 --> 00:01:21.280 One is about 10 years ago we did go to marriage counseling, and we've kept that up somewhat inconsistently at times, but maybe like what was it that brought us to that point? 00:01:22.079 --> 00:01:28.079 And then what have been some of the benefits or our experience through that? 00:01:28.640 --> 00:01:32.079 Yeah, I think we just felt super stuck. 00:01:32.239 --> 00:01:32.560 Yeah. 00:01:32.879 --> 00:01:37.680 And I think stuck in some communication things. 00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:47.200 And I remember going the first time, and I was so excited because she was gonna tell you everything you did wrong. 00:01:49.519 --> 00:01:51.200 And it didn't happen. 00:01:51.760 --> 00:02:03.439 She was so amazing at really helping us both feel heard and understood, and helping the other one hear and understand the other person. 00:02:05.359 --> 00:02:08.000 Yeah, I think counseling is hard work. 00:02:08.159 --> 00:02:08.479 Yeah. 00:02:08.800 --> 00:02:15.039 It's not like, oh, we went to a counselor who's great, you know, she made everything better. 00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:17.039 Like it's hard. 00:02:17.199 --> 00:02:17.520 Yeah. 00:02:17.759 --> 00:02:24.400 But you're committed to the hard because you know that there will be, you know, fruit in the end. 00:02:24.639 --> 00:02:26.960 But it's work. 00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:28.879 Yeah, it's hard, good work. 00:02:29.039 --> 00:02:39.280 And nobody thinks about the you know uh pianist who spent thousands of hours to play a beautiful piece. 00:02:39.599 --> 00:02:46.879 Like that took a lot of hard work, but out of it came a masterpiece in beauty, and it's like that's the same thing that's true with marriage. 00:02:47.199 --> 00:02:52.240 It's like there is the hard piece that we don't talk often enough, but it's not a bad piece. 00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:56.319 Yeah, and it doesn't mean you married the wrong person, right? 00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:58.000 We all think that at some point. 00:02:58.240 --> 00:02:58.560 What? 00:02:58.879 --> 00:03:11.120 Everyone has thought that at some point, and so it's just that marriage is it is hard work and beautiful and rich and rewarding. 00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:16.800 It is very much attention, um, but very worth it. 00:03:17.199 --> 00:03:17.840 Absolutely. 00:03:18.719 --> 00:03:30.960 Well, as we're in the season of launching our kids, you said something that you know it feels like the rest of life is just losing and dying. 00:03:31.680 --> 00:03:33.919 Releasing, yeah, dying. 00:03:34.639 --> 00:03:35.199 Yeah. 00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:42.240 Uh and I think one of your words is I've really needed fresh vision. 00:03:42.879 --> 00:03:50.400 Uh and I think that's important in every season of our lives, of our marriage, uh, of God, what is that vision? 00:03:50.560 --> 00:03:56.879 And there's like so how did you kind of get fresh vision? 00:03:58.719 --> 00:04:13.120 I really actually was very desperate for a vision because I know that if I have vision of what God has called me to, I can get after it a hundred percent. 00:04:13.680 --> 00:04:31.759 But it you know, it is an interesting season when for 18, 19 years you've been really focused on your kids and getting them ready to launch, and then you realize it's not that long till they're all gone. 00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:54.399 Yeah, and so I don't know, identity crisis, whatever you want to call it, I definitely needed um that fresh, fresh vision from God, and and actually, I think for me it's been so wonderful to see Ella away at school and growing in ways that she couldn't have here at home. 00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:56.480 And I'm just so excited for her. 00:04:56.720 --> 00:05:23.360 I feel like my I had to grieve a bit, but it's actually really shifted to we get to be just their biggest fans and just cheer them on and come along and support and bless when we can, and um and that we are gonna actually learn to connect in new ways because we're gonna have more time together than we ever have. 00:05:23.439 --> 00:05:26.879 I mean, we had a year without kids, but it's been a minute. 00:05:27.680 --> 00:05:48.879 So us learning new hobbies and things to do together, we'll have yeah, more time with friends and uh more day trips or whatever, like to start to be excited that it's not it will be the end of an era, but it's the beginning of a new one, right? 00:05:49.040 --> 00:05:55.519 You know, and so just starting to get excited for for some of those things. 00:06:00.720 --> 00:06:04.639 Can you thank my wife for even being willing to do that over this thing? 00:06:04.879 --> 00:06:08.879 This not easy, and um so grateful. 00:06:08.959 --> 00:06:13.519 We just want to give you a window into at least our conversations and our lives. 00:06:13.759 --> 00:06:19.360 Uh, we in this series have just really been asking and trying to answer one very fundamental question. 00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:24.720 How do you experience a strong, vibrant marriage that lasts a lifetime? 00:06:24.800 --> 00:06:33.600 And the big idea of the entire series is simply this a strong, vibrant marriage doesn't just happen, it is built. 00:06:34.160 --> 00:06:39.759 There's not some magic secret formula, you don't just somehow trip into it. 00:06:39.920 --> 00:06:40.560 It's built. 00:06:40.639 --> 00:06:43.839 It takes effort, intentionality, and time. 00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:46.639 It takes like we're just talking about work. 00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:50.800 Because everything worthwhile takes work. 00:06:51.360 --> 00:06:55.839 Um, and we've been using this illustration, and Glenn, I had the pictures. 00:06:56.000 --> 00:06:57.600 I don't know if those are still around anymore. 00:06:57.759 --> 00:07:02.399 That's the one part that I totally forgot, and no worries if we don't, we'll get it next service. 00:07:02.639 --> 00:07:11.759 Uh but uh surfs uh side Florida, uh Surfside Florida is this uh oasis for the rich and famous. 00:07:11.920 --> 00:07:18.639 Uh back in the day, it was you know the place where Frank Sinatra and Elizabeth Taylor would frequent. 00:07:18.800 --> 00:07:19.519 Yeah, there you go. 00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:20.240 Thank you so much. 00:07:20.319 --> 00:07:20.879 You're on it. 00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:21.839 Thanks, Glenn. 00:07:21.920 --> 00:07:26.480 Uh and it's just right outside of the hustle and bustle of Miami. 00:07:26.800 --> 00:07:40.800 In 2021, it became famous, not for the rich and famous anymore, but because of a collapse of a condominium that happened suddenly and overnight and tragically killed 89 people. 00:07:41.360 --> 00:07:48.560 Now, the National Institute for Standards and Technology spent$30 million to investigate what happened. 00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:52.000 So we make sure it doesn't happen again. 00:07:52.160 --> 00:07:54.399 And they came away with four key findings. 00:07:54.560 --> 00:08:04.560 These four key findings have really been the outline for our series in week one was finding number one, uh, was simply this that uh it's the foundation. 00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:09.920 It had incredible, significant foundation issues. 00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:13.439 There was design flaws in the foundation, and we know this. 00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:19.839 The foundation, in large part, determines the overall success, stability, and sustainability of a structure. 00:08:20.000 --> 00:08:23.759 The most important part of your marriage, by the way, is your foundation. 00:08:24.079 --> 00:08:28.160 And so, what are you building your marriage upon? 00:08:28.720 --> 00:08:35.120 And we said this one of the best ways to strengthen your marriage is actually to deepen your relationship with Jesus. 00:08:35.279 --> 00:08:42.399 So often we build our marriages upon happiness, we build our marriages upon our kids, and all these self-fulfillment, and he says, no, no, no. 00:08:42.559 --> 00:08:45.440 Just begin to build your marriage upon Jesus. 00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:53.519 And week two, uh, they the observation was that there was uh in uh poor quality materials. 00:08:53.600 --> 00:09:01.200 They took shortcuts using lower quality materials weaker than required by the uh building codes and industry standards, and we know this. 00:09:01.279 --> 00:09:07.840 The quality of materials directly impacts the beauty and longevity of what you're building. 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:16.159 And we say this, we know this because we look back on history and the way that people used to build things, and they don't build them like they used to. 00:09:16.639 --> 00:09:25.759 And universally, I think we would acknowledge that the greatest and the best building material for a marriage that lasts a lifetime is love. 00:09:25.840 --> 00:09:34.080 And yet what we mean by that varies, and God invites us into a deeper, more profound definition of love. 00:09:34.159 --> 00:09:38.559 And we said this building a strong, vibrant marriage is less about falling in love. 00:09:38.639 --> 00:09:40.000 We can all do that. 00:09:40.720 --> 00:09:43.440 And more about growing in love. 00:09:43.840 --> 00:09:51.600 Well, week three, then uh the third observation for the National Institute of Standards Technology was there was added stress to the structure. 00:09:51.919 --> 00:09:56.799 At the base of this complex was a uh swimming pool. 00:09:56.960 --> 00:10:10.159 Underneath the swimming pool was the parking garage, and over time they added planters and different landscaping things that actually added tons and tons and tons of added weight that was not planned for. 00:10:10.320 --> 00:10:19.840 Now, if a structure uh bears uh stress greater than it was designed to handle, reinforcement's necessary to preserve the structural integrity. 00:10:19.919 --> 00:10:28.159 If you don't put reinforcement, eventually it will cave and crumble, and all marriages experience stress to the structure. 00:10:28.320 --> 00:10:34.240 And here's what we said every new season of life almost always requires a new rhythm for life. 00:10:34.399 --> 00:10:40.639 And we get into ruts when we bring our old rhythms into our new seasons, right? 00:10:40.960 --> 00:10:45.200 We bring our old rhythms of singlehood into our new season of marriage. 00:10:45.360 --> 00:10:55.519 We bring our old ways of communication into this new relationship, we bring our old ways of operating as a married couple when we have kids, and so forth. 00:10:55.679 --> 00:11:03.519 Today, uh the fourth and final observation from NIST, that's actually their National Institute Standards and Technology. 00:11:03.759 --> 00:11:06.480 Know you're excited about that now that you know that. 00:11:08.240 --> 00:11:10.320 Was that there was deferred maintenance. 00:11:10.399 --> 00:11:11.759 That's the sermon titled today. 00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:14.879 Would you go ahead and say it to your neighbor, deferred maintenance? 00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:20.000 I'm not sure if you were inferring that they were deferred maintenance. 00:11:20.080 --> 00:11:21.919 That seems, anyways. 00:11:22.080 --> 00:11:23.600 Um, deferred maintenance. 00:11:23.759 --> 00:11:25.679 Now, here's one of their findings. 00:11:25.840 --> 00:11:35.440 They found that the HOA commissioned uh two years prior a report and approved$15 million in critical repairs. 00:11:36.639 --> 00:11:40.639 And yet, there just never seemed the right time. 00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:47.679 No one really wanted to spend all of that money, and so they just kept putting it off. 00:11:48.240 --> 00:11:56.559 And here's what we know: neglecting small repairs today guarantees insignificant problems tomorrow. 00:11:56.879 --> 00:12:02.080 Neglecting small repairs today guarantees significant problems tomorrow. 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:03.440 Let me give you a couple examples. 00:12:03.600 --> 00:12:10.879 When we were newly married in our first couple years, we moved to Atlanta, Georgia, and in Atlanta, Georgia, this is going to be mind-blowing. 00:12:10.960 --> 00:12:12.639 You can buy a house, or at least then. 00:12:12.799 --> 00:12:20.799 We bought a house, 2,500 square feet on a quarter acre for$160,000. 00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:25.519 You can't even put a down payment on a house here for that. 00:12:26.240 --> 00:12:33.759 We bought a house for$160,000 and brand new first-time home owners, and we're like, okay, here we go. 00:12:34.000 --> 00:12:47.759 I remember one day, I don't even know why I did this, but our our water heater is what had a little closet, and it was right by the garage door, and I opened the water heater and I noticed that there was a little bit of water uh next to the water heater. 00:12:47.840 --> 00:12:48.799 I'm like, oh, that's odd. 00:12:48.879 --> 00:12:49.759 It's just a little bit. 00:12:49.919 --> 00:12:54.480 And so I grabbed a towel, I wiped it off, and I'm like, there must be a tiny, tiny leak. 00:12:54.559 --> 00:12:55.519 It wasn't that much. 00:12:55.759 --> 00:13:01.200 I closed the door and just went away. 00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:04.960 Because out of sight, out of mind, I don't really see. 00:13:05.039 --> 00:13:06.080 It's not that big of a deal. 00:13:06.159 --> 00:13:07.200 It's really small. 00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:10.639 What harm could a little water do? 00:13:11.039 --> 00:13:12.240 And I ignored it. 00:13:12.399 --> 00:13:13.360 I put it off. 00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:16.799 Every once in a while, I'm like, God, you know, I should really do something about that. 00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:19.600 But I'm like, ah, it's not that big of a deal. 00:13:20.240 --> 00:13:38.240 It wasn't a big of a deal until uh our water heater closet on the other side was our our pantry, and you opened the door uh to our pantry and you looked inside that closet, and I noticed that there was black spots all over the wall in our pantry. 00:13:38.480 --> 00:13:41.440 I'm like, that doesn't seem right. 00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:43.279 That doesn't seem good. 00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:55.919 Uh and so then we called somebody in, and all of a sudden it recognized that now that little leak that would have cost, you know, let's just be generous, a hundred dollars to fix. 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:05.120 Instead, it began to spread black mold into the doors and into the pantry. 00:14:05.200 --> 00:14:13.600 All of our food had to be thrown away, all of the sheetrock had to be ripped out, and we had to do major repairs as a result. 00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:14.000 Why? 00:14:14.159 --> 00:14:20.159 Because neglecting small repairs today guarantees significant problems tomorrow. 00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:22.879 Do you want another example? 00:14:23.919 --> 00:14:25.519 These are painful. 00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:33.200 Back in Georgia as well, we bought a car and I was driving it around and it had this little squeak. 00:14:34.080 --> 00:14:35.440 I'm like, huh. 00:14:36.639 --> 00:14:38.080 That doesn't sound right. 00:14:38.399 --> 00:14:40.080 But it was a small squeak. 00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:43.519 That small squeak kept getting bigger and louder. 00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:48.559 Eventually, I became so embarrassed driving through our neighborhood because it was that loud. 00:14:48.720 --> 00:14:51.919 It was like, you know, just through the entire neighborhood. 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:55.840 And yet I didn't want to spend the money to take it into the mechanic. 00:14:55.919 --> 00:14:58.080 I didn't want to know what the real problem was. 00:14:58.240 --> 00:14:59.600 And that's kind of part of it. 00:14:59.840 --> 00:15:01.600 Some of us are like, we just don't really want to know. 00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:04.559 If we don't know, it won't hurt us, right? 00:15:04.960 --> 00:15:08.799 Uh the engine seized up and froze, and I needed a new engine. 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:09.840 Why? 00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:16.559 Because neglecting small repairs today guarantees significant problems tomorrow. 00:15:17.039 --> 00:15:26.159 The proverb uh says it this way: one who is slack in his work is brother to one who destroys. 00:15:26.879 --> 00:15:28.000 One who's slack. 00:15:28.399 --> 00:15:32.159 This comparison almost seems so extreme that it couldn't be true. 00:15:32.399 --> 00:15:40.159 Slack means to put things off, neglect, a carelessness, a slowness in performing one's duty, letting things fall into decline. 00:15:40.559 --> 00:15:47.360 One who's slack that just lets things fall into decline, who is putting things off, is a brother. 00:15:47.600 --> 00:16:04.000 They're related, they're connected to one who destroys, destroys the termination of something by causing so much damage to it that it cannot be repaired or no longer exists. 00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:08.720 And the same is true in our marriages, friends. 00:16:09.200 --> 00:16:13.679 Ignoring small things tends to grow into bigger things. 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:21.840 Ignoring small things tends to grow into bigger things, harder things. 00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:34.080 In fact, uh the Gottman Institute leading research on marriage, uh marital stability identifies that couples who wait too long to seek help for their problems often face entrenched issues that are difficult to resolve. 00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:42.080 Now, his research shows, listen to this, because it can't hear, okay, I'm gonna give it to you in a second, but I want to keep you cliff-hanged right there. 00:16:42.320 --> 00:16:49.039 Um how many of you, when you heard me tell those two stories, thought, Brian, you're so dumb. 00:16:51.039 --> 00:16:52.399 Like, come on. 00:16:52.960 --> 00:16:53.919 What were you thinking? 00:16:54.080 --> 00:16:55.039 I have another one too. 00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:57.440 I just was too embarrassed to share it. 00:16:57.840 --> 00:16:58.720 Like, come on. 00:16:58.879 --> 00:17:01.840 And some of you type, a perfectionist, you would never do that. 00:17:02.000 --> 00:17:02.720 I get it. 00:17:02.960 --> 00:17:06.960 And you've, anyways, uh we'll talk about your judging us another day. 00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:12.640 Um the average couple. 00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:22.799 The average couple waits six years of being unhelp unhappy before getting help. 00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:37.359 Six years, six years of slack, six years of water under the bridge, six years of ah, it's not that big of a deal, six years of ignoring it, six years of buildup, of build-up. 00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:43.039 And what we know is if you address it when it's little, the cost is relatively small. 00:17:44.640 --> 00:17:47.519 But six years of build-up, gosh, the cost. 00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:52.079 Some of us just need to do reconstruction. 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:54.640 We need to do some demolition. 00:17:55.359 --> 00:17:58.079 We need to get outside help. 00:17:58.640 --> 00:17:59.680 And here's the reason why. 00:17:59.839 --> 00:18:02.880 This is actually just a restatement of our big idea. 00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:07.039 But no one ever drifts into a better marriage. 00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:11.279 No one ever drifts into a better marriage. 00:18:11.839 --> 00:18:15.920 Because what if if if this is, I think this is what we kind of do. 00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:21.200 I think it will just work itself out. 00:18:23.039 --> 00:18:34.559 You know, our communication issues, you know that character problem, you know the way we resolve conflict that seems to be rather dysfunctional. 00:18:35.359 --> 00:18:48.000 You know my past wounds, my that emotional drift, our parenting differences, that loneliness that I feel, the addiction I'm facing, our financial stress and hardship, that work life balance. 00:18:48.160 --> 00:18:52.799 I just you know what, it it'll just figure itself out. 00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:57.440 The problem is nobody ever drifts into a better marriage. 00:18:57.599 --> 00:19:03.599 And and hoping things get better is not a strategy. 00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:06.559 And that's what we do in our marriage. 00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:10.000 Hoping things get better. 00:19:11.039 --> 00:19:13.680 I really hope she changes. 00:19:14.160 --> 00:19:16.799 I really hope he figures it out. 00:19:19.039 --> 00:19:22.000 Hoping is not a strategy. 00:19:22.160 --> 00:19:25.839 And so let's, with the remainder of our time, I just want to give you three strategies. 00:19:25.920 --> 00:19:30.640 In fact, these are the three uh primary strategies for maintenance. 00:19:30.880 --> 00:19:39.039 If you look it up on the internet, if you look up, you know, maintenance for buildings, maintenance for cars, these and maintenance for marriage. 00:19:40.559 --> 00:19:54.319 Because deferred maintenance is costing us too much and causing pain and heartache in our relationships that could be and should be avoided. 00:19:54.480 --> 00:19:58.079 So let me give you the three types of maintenance strategies. 00:19:58.400 --> 00:20:05.599 The first one we're most familiar with, and this is probably the only maintenance strategy that many of us have in our marriages. 00:20:05.680 --> 00:20:08.079 And it is simply this it's reactive maintenance. 00:20:08.240 --> 00:20:09.039 Reactive maintenance. 00:20:09.119 --> 00:20:18.400 It's run to failure, breakdown maintenance, which is the way I ran my car, by the way, involves addressing issues only after a breakdown occurs. 00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:26.480 It's just this reactive, something uh wrong has happened, broke down, and we desperately need help. 00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:30.160 Um it's interesting. 00:20:30.319 --> 00:20:35.039 How do you know, like, okay, when we should kind of react to something? 00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:35.440 Dr. 00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:40.400 Gottman, again, in his uh research talks about the four horsemen of the apocalypse. 00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:44.799 He identifies negative behaviors that predict divorce with high accuracy. 00:20:44.880 --> 00:20:54.480 He gives us four areas criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 00:20:55.759 --> 00:20:59.920 You begin to have a critical spirit in your marriage, you begin to notice that. 00:21:00.720 --> 00:21:03.039 That's when you need some reactive maintenance. 00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:05.359 We need to address this. 00:21:06.240 --> 00:21:17.759 You begin to experience contempt in your heart, a sense of bitterness, a sense of, um I have this you can't do anything right. 00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:23.839 You always you ought to. 00:21:24.880 --> 00:21:26.240 Why don't you? 00:21:26.799 --> 00:21:27.920 It's one of those signs. 00:21:28.000 --> 00:21:32.319 Hey, there there is issues and we need to react to this. 00:21:32.559 --> 00:21:35.519 Uh defensiveness or stonewalling. 00:21:38.960 --> 00:21:42.079 And this is most often the time that we do this. 00:21:42.319 --> 00:21:53.519 And here's here's the thing we tend to do, though, by the way, when we are reactive, um, is we tend to react to our spouse's shortcomings and not our own. 00:21:54.799 --> 00:21:59.759 Most of the time, maybe it's just me, but I've talked to enough couples, I know it's not just. 00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:05.599 Me, but if only my spouse would change X, then our marriage would be right. 00:22:06.400 --> 00:22:12.400 If only she could change, or if only he could change that attitude, if only he could do this, if only she would change this. 00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:13.759 They're the problem. 00:22:13.920 --> 00:22:21.359 See, we see their shortcomings and we judge them, and it's mainly the problem, and we look at our own and go, like I have good reasons for those. 00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:24.640 I give myself the generous explanation, right? 00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:31.599 And here's what I want to suggest: your marriage can only be as healthy as you are. 00:22:32.400 --> 00:22:44.160 If we're gonna take some reactive here, one of the most practical applications is not reacting to your spouse or even the conflict, but reacting going inside. 00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:49.359 I can't change you, but I can address me. 00:22:51.279 --> 00:22:57.519 I can't fix or make you do anything, but I can deal with what's going on inside of me. 00:22:57.599 --> 00:23:05.519 You know, the old adage, maybe you don't, this is more of a Texan saying no matter how flat a pancake, there's two sides. 00:23:06.480 --> 00:23:12.079 Even if you're just owning 10% of it, you can still deal with your 10% of it. 00:23:12.240 --> 00:23:14.480 Uh we had our young professionals over to our house. 00:23:14.640 --> 00:23:22.160 It was a fun gathering on Thursday night, and we ended up with a conversation all around dating, and we just were, it was fantastic. 00:23:22.319 --> 00:23:27.200 One of the things that came up was this idea of maturity. 00:23:28.319 --> 00:23:44.000 And there was a little bit of uh conversation around, you know what, what we need to see, and it was pointed a little bit more towards men, and I tend to agree, that we need to have some more maturity, some more spiritual maturity, some more character. 00:23:47.200 --> 00:23:58.799 You know, after the Apostle Paul wrote that great love uh paragraph, love is patient, love is kind, he said something really fascinating. 00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:13.519 He said this, and as a part of the maturing process, and I would say for many marriages, this is one of the reactive maintenances that we need to do, the maturation process for marriages that often we get stuck in, and it doesn't even matter how old we are. 00:24:13.920 --> 00:24:19.279 He said this when I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. 00:24:19.440 --> 00:24:22.960 When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 00:24:23.200 --> 00:24:27.599 How often do we bring our childish ways into the marriage? 00:24:29.039 --> 00:24:37.359 And we're frustrated at our spouse's childish ways, but we need to address our childish ways. 00:24:37.839 --> 00:24:42.160 The difference between a child and an adult, by the way, a child thinks about time as infinite. 00:24:42.319 --> 00:24:44.079 I have all the time in the world. 00:24:44.319 --> 00:24:49.119 An adult understands that time is finite, it's valuable, it's precious, I have limited time. 00:24:49.839 --> 00:24:58.240 A child thinks about, you know, they value the tangibles, what you can touch, taste, feel, see. 00:24:58.960 --> 00:25:01.759 Isn't that what our culture elevates the tangibles? 00:25:01.839 --> 00:25:04.079 An adult values the intangibles. 00:25:04.720 --> 00:25:13.920 Because what matters at the end of life is not how many toys you have in the garage, how big of a house, all that you own. 00:25:14.079 --> 00:25:21.759 What matters at the end of life is the intangibles, the relationships you have, the quality, the impact that you made with resources. 00:25:21.920 --> 00:25:24.000 A child, every resource is mine. 00:25:24.079 --> 00:25:25.279 It's all about mine. 00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:29.119 Or adult, resources steward. 00:25:30.880 --> 00:25:33.839 There's people that owned all this stuff before me. 00:25:34.160 --> 00:25:35.200 I have it now. 00:25:35.359 --> 00:25:38.079 Eventually I'm gonna pass it on to somebody else. 00:25:38.400 --> 00:25:44.559 My state of being here is I am a steward of what God has entrusted to me, so how do I steward it? 00:25:44.720 --> 00:25:51.039 Well, it's a radical shift in how we think that I think many of us need to grow and develop in. 00:25:51.119 --> 00:25:54.480 The first is this reactive style of maintenance. 00:25:54.640 --> 00:25:57.119 We uh, and that's the most common for us. 00:25:57.279 --> 00:26:00.240 The second is predictive maintenance. 00:26:00.400 --> 00:26:05.759 This focuses on identifying potential issues before they become critical. 00:26:06.079 --> 00:26:10.480 Uh, this is why we do at awakening premarital counseling. 00:26:10.799 --> 00:26:11.279 Right? 00:26:11.519 --> 00:26:15.680 So if you're gonna get married at awakening, we want you to go through premarital counseling. 00:26:15.759 --> 00:26:20.480 We have marriage mentors we set you up with, there's a whole uh test that we take you through. 00:26:20.559 --> 00:26:28.160 And I remember when Jenny and I went through premarital counseling, it was great and all of that, but we didn't understand half of it. 00:26:28.799 --> 00:26:30.720 Because we weren't married. 00:26:31.599 --> 00:26:36.160 But then the minute we got married, we're like, oh, that makes sense why he said that. 00:26:37.279 --> 00:26:41.359 And after we got married, we're like, oh, we really need postmarital counseling too. 00:26:42.000 --> 00:26:42.640 Right? 00:26:43.039 --> 00:26:51.839 That's why so many parents read baby books because there's this predictive maintenance, there's identifying issues before they become problems. 00:26:52.160 --> 00:26:54.720 Uh and here's what's fascinating, though. 00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:58.240 There's something known as the Dunning-Kruger effect. 00:26:58.559 --> 00:27:09.680 The Dunning-Kruger effect in 1999, psychologist researchers David Dunning and Justin Kruger published a study titled, listen to this, Unskilled and Unaware. 00:27:11.039 --> 00:27:24.960 How difficulties in recognizing one's own incompetence lead to inflated self-assessment, in which they described our tendency to hold overly overly favorable views of our abilities. 00:27:25.279 --> 00:27:31.039 The researchers presented the participants with four tests assessing humor, logical reasoning, and grammar. 00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:37.440 Then they asked participants to evaluate their own performance, how well or poorly they thought they did on the test. 00:27:37.599 --> 00:27:52.000 Now notice not only did most participants overestimate their performance, but the least competent participants, the ones who scored in the bottom quarter, were more likely to overestimate their performance. 00:27:52.240 --> 00:27:56.400 The less they knew, the more they thought they knew. 00:27:56.559 --> 00:28:01.200 Here's the problem we tend to be more confident or overconfident. 00:28:01.680 --> 00:28:04.559 I think that's one of the reasons we don't ask for help. 00:28:05.680 --> 00:28:10.480 And I think there's a couple reasons, you know, we we fall into neglect or deferred maintenance. 00:28:10.559 --> 00:28:12.079 One is willful neglect. 00:28:12.400 --> 00:28:14.960 Willful neglect is I just don't want to deal with it. 00:28:15.119 --> 00:28:16.799 I can't deal with it. 00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:19.759 Then there's ignorant neglect. 00:28:20.079 --> 00:28:22.960 I don't even know there is a problem. 00:28:24.079 --> 00:28:31.519 And so, you don't know what you don't know, so prioritize time with those who know. 00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:38.000 You don't know what you don't know, but prioritize so prioritize time with those who know. 00:28:38.400 --> 00:28:42.400 I love the I'm gonna quote a Proverb, Glenn, and then get to this next one. 00:28:42.559 --> 00:28:49.119 Uh Proverbs 22, 13 says, uh the prudent see danger and take refuge. 00:28:49.279 --> 00:28:52.720 The prudent is one who sees and understands that all of life is connected. 00:28:52.799 --> 00:29:02.400 They see danger, they see ahead and they take refuge, where the simple, or the fool, uh just keeps going and suffers for it. 00:29:03.519 --> 00:29:09.359 We desperately need to be have this predictive maintenance of looking ahead. 00:29:09.519 --> 00:29:17.279 Proverbs 13, 20 says, the wise walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fool suffers harm. 00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:27.039 I actually find today that I don't know that uh people are searching out wise people as so much as they're searching out comfortable people. 00:29:29.680 --> 00:29:35.920 The reason is wise people will tend to challenge your thinking, which is uncomfortable. 00:29:37.119 --> 00:29:48.960 And we lean into TikTok and influencers that have no relationship with us, don't know us, and we just grab a hold of advice and pieces that we really like. 00:29:50.880 --> 00:29:55.039 We said in the uh video we started marriage counseling. 00:29:55.119 --> 00:29:59.440 In fact, we saw Sue this last week ten years ago. 00:29:59.839 --> 00:30:03.920 We ended up in marriage counseling through reactive maintenance. 00:30:04.079 --> 00:30:05.839 We were in crisis. 00:30:06.880 --> 00:30:15.519 And the way I like to picture marriage counseling, especially the first six months, maybe even a year, it's like cleaning out the garage if you've never done it. 00:30:16.240 --> 00:30:19.839 Maybe you type a perfectionist, this illustration will fall flat. 00:30:19.920 --> 00:30:20.559 I get it. 00:30:20.720 --> 00:30:23.039 Um pretend you're at my garage. 00:30:24.880 --> 00:30:32.720 And when you clean out your garage and it's a whole mess, the first thing you kind of have to do is you have to get it all out of the garage. 00:30:33.039 --> 00:30:42.640 And so now the mess that's in the garage is now outside of the garage and strewn all over your um your yard or your driveway. 00:30:43.440 --> 00:30:48.640 And what happens is this looks worse than it did before. 00:30:49.680 --> 00:30:56.319 For some, you're gonna start counseling, thinking it's the silver bullet, and it's gonna get harder before it gets better. 00:30:56.640 --> 00:30:58.480 I want you to know that ahead of time. 00:30:58.640 --> 00:31:08.000 It's important, it's necessary, you need to do it because all that junk's hiding in the garage, anyways, and it's building up and it's only going to collapse the structure. 00:31:08.240 --> 00:31:12.400 But you gotta get it all out there and you start cleaning and you start working through it. 00:31:12.720 --> 00:31:15.440 Here's what we found over 10 years of counseling. 00:31:15.599 --> 00:31:18.240 It moved from reactive to predictive. 00:31:19.119 --> 00:31:27.680 Now, as we have counseling, we're talking about some issues that are coming up with our kids, some issues that are coming up, you know, with extended family. 00:31:27.759 --> 00:31:34.880 Of like, hey, we're gonna go on this, you know, family gathering, and we know that some of these conversations, we're not sure how to navigate it. 00:31:34.960 --> 00:31:36.480 Let's talk through this. 00:31:36.880 --> 00:31:42.240 Or as we're right now working through that whole launching and empty nester phase. 00:31:42.400 --> 00:31:46.799 Three types of maintenance strategies: reactive maintenance. 00:31:47.119 --> 00:31:49.519 Your marriage can only be as healthy as you are. 00:31:49.759 --> 00:31:52.319 Would you address what's going on inside of you? 00:31:52.559 --> 00:31:53.599 Predictive maintenance. 00:31:53.759 --> 00:31:57.279 You don't know what you don't know, so prioritize times with those who know. 00:31:57.440 --> 00:31:58.960 Would you get outside help? 00:31:59.119 --> 00:32:01.759 Don't be the average six years. 00:32:02.160 --> 00:32:05.440 And then finally, prevent uh preventive maintenance. 00:32:05.680 --> 00:32:11.359 Regularly scheduled upkeep to strengthen the marriage and help avoid unexpected breakdowns. 00:32:11.519 --> 00:32:13.440 It's just the regular upkeep. 00:32:13.680 --> 00:32:15.839 It's what we do with our cars. 00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:18.480 You change the oil. 00:32:19.440 --> 00:32:22.720 Can you not change the oil every three months or every 3,000 miles? 00:32:22.799 --> 00:32:26.000 And I think it's now to 5,000 if you're using, you know, synthetic? 00:32:26.480 --> 00:32:27.759 Maybe it's 10,000? 00:32:27.920 --> 00:32:28.480 I don't know. 00:32:28.640 --> 00:32:30.240 I'm not a car guy. 00:32:31.200 --> 00:32:34.400 Can you not do that and your car run for a long time? 00:32:35.039 --> 00:32:35.680 Yes. 00:32:37.359 --> 00:32:47.920 And you cannot do that, and your car can run for a long time, and there's things happening under the surface that you're unaware of, and it's corroding the inner engine, or somebody's gonna tell me what it actually is doing. 00:32:48.079 --> 00:32:55.119 Uh and then eventually, this happens to marriages all the time. 00:32:55.279 --> 00:32:57.200 Eventually, things just break down. 00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:02.799 And at least one spouse saw says, I never saw it coming. 00:33:05.599 --> 00:33:13.279 Preventative maintenance, regular, scheduled upkeep to strengthen the marriage, help avoid unexpected breakdowns. 00:33:14.319 --> 00:33:15.200 Here's the idea. 00:33:15.440 --> 00:33:19.039 You have to do intentionally what once came naturally. 00:33:19.440 --> 00:33:22.960 You have to do intentionally what once came naturally. 00:33:23.200 --> 00:33:26.240 Uh, Jesus says this in Revelation 2, 4 for 5. 00:33:26.400 --> 00:33:29.039 Definitely not a marriage verse in any way. 00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:33.920 It's so true in our relationship with Jesus, and then it's very much true in our marriages. 00:33:34.079 --> 00:33:35.440 He says, I hold this against you. 00:33:35.519 --> 00:33:37.119 He's talking to the church in Ephesus. 00:33:37.279 --> 00:33:41.119 For you have forsaken the love you had at first, drifted. 00:33:41.359 --> 00:33:50.480 Consider how far you've fallen, repent, which means a change of mind that in turn has a change of action, and do the things you did at first. 00:33:51.200 --> 00:33:56.319 One of the best ways to understand your relationship with Jesus is it is a relationship. 00:33:56.640 --> 00:34:03.359 And if you're stagnant in your relationship with him, go back and do the things you did at first. 00:34:04.160 --> 00:34:06.000 Just start doing the things you did at first. 00:34:06.160 --> 00:34:11.519 Remember when you first came to know Jesus and you couldn't help but share Jesus with everyone around you? 00:34:11.840 --> 00:34:17.280 When you first came to know Jesus, you couldn't help but get into God's word, and you're just like, I just want more of that. 00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:20.480 You just start to do intentionally what once came naturally. 00:34:20.559 --> 00:34:22.960 And remember when you first started dating? 00:34:23.440 --> 00:34:29.039 And the things that you did so naturally, those notes you used to write, those dates you used to go on. 00:34:29.199 --> 00:34:31.519 Oh, he used to be so romantic. 00:34:32.400 --> 00:34:34.320 He used to have these good ideas. 00:34:34.480 --> 00:34:36.639 Sorry, I'm just I'm talking about myself. 00:34:36.800 --> 00:34:44.079 Um you have to begin doing intentionally what once came naturally. 00:34:44.639 --> 00:34:46.400 Very, very practically. 00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:55.679 Where you're at, one of the pieces of advice that we got early on in our marriage was never stop dating your spouse. 00:34:56.159 --> 00:34:57.920 Go on a date night weekly. 00:34:58.079 --> 00:35:01.519 Now, when we had no kids, this didn't seem to make any sense. 00:35:01.760 --> 00:35:07.679 Because, like, like every night we're just hanging out together, we have these sort of things, and it's easier or whatnot. 00:35:07.760 --> 00:35:11.280 And then all of a sudden we had kids, and we're like, how in the world do you do that? 00:35:11.840 --> 00:35:12.880 And it changed. 00:35:12.960 --> 00:35:14.559 Like last week we talked about how it changed. 00:35:14.639 --> 00:35:16.880 When our kids were really little, we did date nights at home. 00:35:16.960 --> 00:35:18.639 We didn't have any babysitting. 00:35:18.960 --> 00:35:27.519 You know, and so we would make a little fire if it was a cold night, or we'd try to make a little something that was special and light some candles and just talk. 00:35:28.159 --> 00:35:31.679 We'd literally sit on the floor, you know, because that I don't know why that felt special. 00:35:31.840 --> 00:35:36.880 But um, when our kids were asleep, as they got older, we started having babysitters. 00:35:37.119 --> 00:35:40.960 We'd do some day things when the kids were in school when we were able to. 00:35:41.119 --> 00:35:50.960 But that weekly date, uh researcher again, Gottman, emphasizes the importance of this small things often. 00:35:51.360 --> 00:35:53.840 Not big things and extravagant things. 00:35:53.920 --> 00:36:04.239 Those things are wonderful, but he says, small things often, indicating that regular positive interactions and expressions of love and appreciation are key to a healthy marriage. 00:36:04.480 --> 00:36:12.400 His research shows that couples who engage in consistent preventative practices have higher relationship satisfaction and stability. 00:36:13.039 --> 00:36:16.320 Nobody ever drifts into a better marriage. 00:36:16.480 --> 00:36:23.039 Neglecting small repairs today guarantees significant problems tomorrow. 00:36:26.880 --> 00:36:27.920 Where are you at? 00:36:30.159 --> 00:36:31.519 What's your next step? 00:36:34.320 --> 00:36:41.440 How do you move from just hearing something and going like, oh, there's a good idea, to doing something? 00:36:43.360 --> 00:36:48.239 Chances are most of us would walk away, you know, there's some reactive maintenance we need to do. 00:36:49.840 --> 00:36:52.079 Let's have a conversation about that. 00:36:53.039 --> 00:36:56.159 That's important because something's breaking down. 00:36:58.079 --> 00:37:02.320 Chances are you need some predictive maintenance. 00:37:02.719 --> 00:37:04.000 Find a mentor. 00:37:04.559 --> 00:37:06.320 Maybe start counseling. 00:37:07.920 --> 00:37:13.840 Go to our prayer station after service and just ask somebody to pray over you. 00:37:14.639 --> 00:37:16.320 Because you see, you know what? 00:37:16.559 --> 00:37:20.400 We got some reactive maintenance and I need some prayer on how to do this well. 00:37:23.039 --> 00:37:25.440 But I would encourage us. 00:37:26.079 --> 00:37:30.079 Most of our problems, we can do these preventive maintenance things. 00:37:30.639 --> 00:37:32.480 Just those daily connections. 00:37:33.119 --> 00:37:34.400 Where do you need to apply this? 00:37:34.559 --> 00:37:38.079 What do you need to do for your marriage? 00:37:38.639 --> 00:37:46.079 And by the way, if you have kids, one of the best gifts you can ever give your kids is a healthy, vibrant, good marriage. 00:37:46.400 --> 00:37:47.360 Let's pray. 00:37:49.519 --> 00:37:51.199 Jesus, we thank you. 00:37:51.599 --> 00:37:52.880 We love you. 00:37:55.840 --> 00:38:05.440 And we invite you into the middle of our marriages, our relationships, our own heartache and pain. 00:38:06.639 --> 00:38:13.360 The things that we've put off because they just feel overwhelming or beyond us or too heavy to deal with. 00:38:14.320 --> 00:38:19.119 And I pray for the marriages in our church. 00:38:19.599 --> 00:38:22.079 That you would breathe life into them. 00:38:22.880 --> 00:38:29.920 You'd allow them to have good conversation that wouldn't spark a fight, but that would begin to spark intimacy. 00:38:32.639 --> 00:38:35.440 That you would bring healing and wholeness. 00:38:35.760 --> 00:38:40.480 Surround them with supports and strengths. 00:38:51.599 --> 00:38:52.960 Every step of the way. 00:38:53.280 --> 00:38:54.559 In Jesus' name. 00:38:54.800 --> 00:38:55.440 Amen. 00:38:57.760 --> 00:39:00.079 We hope you are blessed by this message. 00:39:00.239 --> 00:39:04.719 Please subscribe to our podcast for access to every episode as they're uploaded. 00:39:04.880 --> 00:39:06.960 And hey, we'd love to connect with you. 00:39:07.119 --> 00:39:13.039 Take a next step by filling out our virtual connection card at awakeningchurch.com slash card.