WEBVTT 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.399 Welcome to the Awakening Church podcast. 00:00:02.560 --> 00:00:07.040 We pray this message encourages you and provides the hope and light of Jesus Christ. 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:08.640 Thanks for tuning in. 00:00:19.120 --> 00:00:22.800 How many of you seen the Netflix TV show Love is Blind? 00:00:22.960 --> 00:00:23.359 Anybody? 00:00:23.519 --> 00:00:23.839 Anybody? 00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:24.640 A few of you. 00:00:24.879 --> 00:00:25.760 Yeah, no, you. 00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:31.280 Some of you are like, I'm not really sure if I'm should say that in church. 00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:38.799 If you don't know what it is, it's a social relational experiment where singles try to find true love without ever seeing each other. 00:00:39.119 --> 00:00:40.960 Love is blind. 00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:53.520 They talk through a wall, connect emotionally, and if everything clicks, if everything goes right, they propose before they ever see each other. 00:00:54.320 --> 00:01:00.640 I just want to let you know ahead of time, if you haven't seen it, it's wildly addictive. 00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:06.000 And so beware if you dive into it, you may binge watch it. 00:01:06.959 --> 00:01:11.040 But the show reveals something we all feel deep down. 00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:20.480 There is this longing, this craving for real connection that goes below the surface, below skin. 00:01:21.519 --> 00:01:23.120 We want to be known. 00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:24.719 We want to be loved. 00:01:25.599 --> 00:01:27.200 We want to be chosen. 00:01:29.920 --> 00:01:34.079 We have so many apps today to help us find love. 00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:35.920 Advice is everywhere. 00:01:36.159 --> 00:01:44.079 TikTok speaks so eloquently in a short-form therapy on emotional chemistry and intelligence. 00:01:46.640 --> 00:01:52.799 Common language around emotional unavailability, love bombing, attachment style, green flags. 00:01:52.879 --> 00:01:57.280 These are all so prevalent in our day. 00:01:57.680 --> 00:02:04.079 To give us relationship hacks, to somehow get that deep connection and intimacy. 00:02:05.519 --> 00:02:12.400 And yet still, why does love feel so hard to find? 00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:16.479 And even harder to hold on to. 00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:22.400 I'm not sure, but I think Love is Mine may have a better success rate than The Bachelor. 00:02:22.560 --> 00:02:24.479 I don't know, but it might. 00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:34.639 But in a world of hookups and heartbreaks, does real intimacy still exist? 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:45.680 I mean, is marriage just fundamentally broken, or can it still once again be beautiful? 00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:56.159 What if there's more to love sex and marriage than we've been led to believe? 00:02:56.400 --> 00:02:59.919 Today the sermon title is Love, Sex and Marriage. 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:02.159 Go ahead and say that to your neighbor. 00:03:03.599 --> 00:03:05.280 Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it? 00:03:05.439 --> 00:03:09.520 You're like, Ryan, I mmm. 00:03:11.039 --> 00:03:11.360 Okay. 00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:18.000 We're in this series called Unalone. 00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:21.759 God's design for human flourishing. 00:03:22.319 --> 00:03:38.479 We're unpacking a chapter, the second chapter in the book of Genesis, the very first book in the Bible that lays out the framework for human flourishing, going back to God's original intent and design. 00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:47.919 And before we dive in, I want to give just a little uh disclaimer, if you will, when it comes to flourishing and love, sex and marriage. 00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:55.439 And it's simply this marriage and sex are not essential for human flourishing. 00:03:56.159 --> 00:03:57.360 You're like, what? 00:03:58.479 --> 00:04:04.159 Marriage and sex are not essential for human flourishing. 00:04:04.319 --> 00:04:05.280 They are important. 00:04:05.599 --> 00:04:09.840 God has designed them, and yet they're not essential to flourish. 00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:15.360 And this attacks two idols or lies that we believe, one culturally and the other in the church. 00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:24.000 The first culturally is simply this is in our culture, it's to be sexually inactive, is to be less than a whole person. 00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:36.879 If you are not expressing your sexuality however you want in the most free way, you are less than a whole person, and that is fundamentally not true. 00:04:37.279 --> 00:04:47.680 In the church, there's been a lie that's been in the church that says something along the lines to be single or unmarried is to be less than a whole person. 00:04:49.040 --> 00:04:57.199 Like if you're single, like, yeah, it's nice, but until you find your person, you're incomplete, you're lacking. 00:04:58.240 --> 00:05:16.639 Must I remind us, we worship and follow a single, celibate, Middle Eastern rabbi named Jesus, who was not incomplete or less than or lacking in any way. 00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:19.600 Deborah Hirsch in her book Redeeming Sex writes this. 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:55.759 And so, in light of where that, what is God's original design for love, sex, and marriage? 00:05:55.920 --> 00:06:01.439 If you've got your Bibles, would you open up to Genesis chapter 2, Genesis 2, verse 20? 00:06:01.680 --> 00:06:03.839 And it's in your notes if you want to follow along. 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:09.360 It says, But for Adam, no suitable helper was found. 00:06:10.319 --> 00:06:24.079 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep, and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs or his side, and he closed um and then closed up the place with flesh. 00:06:24.160 --> 00:06:29.439 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 00:06:29.600 --> 00:06:33.519 So first uh Adam just means the word Adam means human, by the way. 00:06:33.680 --> 00:06:40.079 Uh it became a uh it just throughout the Hebrew scriptures, Adam means human, Eve means life. 00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:42.720 Uh and so it's also a proper name for him. 00:06:42.800 --> 00:06:46.560 But the human took one human in the garden, Adam. 00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:52.639 And the last week Carolyn talked all about the only not good in the garden would be alone. 00:06:52.800 --> 00:06:56.240 So he took the one, divided the one, and made two. 00:06:56.399 --> 00:06:57.680 Go ahead and just say two. 00:06:58.160 --> 00:06:58.879 There we go. 00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:02.959 And then you notice that after he made two, man sang a song. 00:07:03.120 --> 00:07:06.560 It wasn't a particularly good or exciting song, but he sang a song. 00:07:06.720 --> 00:07:09.120 This is now bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh. 00:07:09.199 --> 00:07:11.600 She shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man. 00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:14.480 I think it could have been more romantic, but that's okay. 00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:21.040 So one became two because aloneness was the key issue. 00:07:21.120 --> 00:07:24.560 And then you'll notice, verse 24, we get some insight. 00:07:25.279 --> 00:07:34.079 That is why a man leaves his father and mother, is united to his wife, and the two become, help me out, one flesh. 00:07:34.800 --> 00:07:51.759 So there's one that becomes two, and then through this sacred, mysterious act of marriage, somehow creates one new entity, one new reality, one flesh. 00:07:52.160 --> 00:07:56.560 And then verse 25, and Adam and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame. 00:07:56.639 --> 00:07:59.600 We're going to talk about that next week, naked and non-ashamed. 00:07:59.759 --> 00:08:04.720 Uh, it's really the whole uh next week is all about how do you experience intimacy? 00:08:05.439 --> 00:08:09.600 Not just in a uh a relationship, marriage relationships, just in life. 00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:16.240 The deep longing and hunger and desire is to be fully loved and fully known. 00:08:16.639 --> 00:08:21.519 And one of our greatest fears is to be fully known and rejected. 00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:28.560 And how do you begin to experience intimacy where you're fully known and fully loved? 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:29.759 That's next week. 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:34.080 This week, what is God's design for love, sex, and marriage? 00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:40.000 Just the foundational and so important reality is simply this. 00:08:40.399 --> 00:08:44.399 God invented love, sex, and marriage. 00:08:44.639 --> 00:08:48.159 It was actually his idea from the very beginning. 00:08:48.480 --> 00:08:58.559 Love, sex, and marriage isn't a cultural construct, it isn't just a fabrication so that we can somehow figure out, you know, an orderly society. 00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:02.960 Uh, scripture tells us that that actually God designed it. 00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:09.840 And so if he designed it, then it works best by his design. 00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:17.600 And we see in that verse, verse 24, that he said, for this reason a man will leave his father and mother. 00:09:17.759 --> 00:09:19.039 Then he'll be united. 00:09:19.120 --> 00:09:21.120 Actually, I like the old King James version. 00:09:21.440 --> 00:09:22.960 It says they'll cleave. 00:09:23.919 --> 00:09:27.039 And then they'll be uh one in flesh. 00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:35.519 We actually see through this leave, cleave, one fleshness, God's design and process for love, sex, and marriage. 00:09:35.679 --> 00:09:37.120 Let's begin just with leave. 00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:40.000 Uh leave is simply maturity. 00:09:40.320 --> 00:09:52.480 That you're gonna leave your father and mother, that there's a time, and in fact, as parents, we're raising our kids to be adults, we're raising them to be uh to be able to succeed and move through life without us. 00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:54.240 That we're sending them out. 00:09:54.399 --> 00:10:02.720 There's a time where you grow up and you're no longer a part of your family, you've matured, and so you begin to step out. 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:08.799 Maturity has the idea of taking on responsibility and ownership for life. 00:10:10.399 --> 00:10:18.559 See, maturity, immature people blame people, constantly blame people, constantly are a victim. 00:10:18.639 --> 00:10:19.279 They did that. 00:10:19.519 --> 00:10:28.000 Mature people take ownership for their emotions, responsibility for their decisions, ownership for their finances. 00:10:30.240 --> 00:10:34.879 It's this maturity that we grow up in to. 00:10:36.960 --> 00:10:49.279 Um I want to just take a moment, especially if you are uh maybe in dating, just a word when it comes to maturity, and it's simply this do not date a project. 00:10:51.679 --> 00:10:56.480 Maybe you said something along the lines of he's got so much potential. 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:00.240 She's just misunderstood. 00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:05.200 Other people just don't see what I see. 00:11:06.480 --> 00:11:10.240 Yeah, they don't, and you probably shouldn't see it either. 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:21.679 If you're constantly making excuses for someone's instability, emotionally, spiritually, vocationally, that's a red flag, not a romantic story waiting to be written. 00:11:23.679 --> 00:11:26.559 Look for patterns, not potential. 00:11:29.200 --> 00:11:31.759 Are they already walking in maturity? 00:11:32.399 --> 00:11:36.080 Are they already whole without you? 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:41.840 We are not looking for somebody to complete us or fulfill us. 00:11:41.919 --> 00:11:45.759 That's the job that only Jesus can fulfill. 00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:52.159 And by the way, marriage doesn't magically fix immaturity, it only magnifies it. 00:11:54.320 --> 00:12:01.200 An important part of maturity is actually upgrading our understanding and definition of love. 00:12:01.759 --> 00:12:09.200 When you're love when you're young, love is this emotion, this force, this feeling. 00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:14.159 Uh, as you've gone through it maybe a couple times, you begin to realize and call it what? 00:12:14.559 --> 00:12:15.600 Puppy love. 00:12:15.840 --> 00:12:16.879 Infatuation. 00:12:17.039 --> 00:12:22.399 It's wonderful, it's amazing, it's magical, uh, but it only lasts so long. 00:12:22.639 --> 00:12:25.279 And we have to upgrade our definition of love. 00:12:25.519 --> 00:12:29.279 Love from just being an emotion to devotion. 00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:34.159 That it that it's not just a force or a feeling. 00:12:34.320 --> 00:12:37.519 Love is actually a choice, it's a decision of the will. 00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:48.159 Devotion is a steadfast commitment of the heart, mind, and will towards someone or something marked by loyalty, sacrifice, love, and action. 00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:49.120 That's love. 00:12:49.200 --> 00:13:06.159 It's when it has this devotion to one another, to another, this commitment of the heart, commitment of the mind, commitment of the will, marked by loyalty, sacrifice, love. 00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:13.759 Here's the problem when we think about love in our modern context, because we buy into this, this modern love promise. 00:13:14.240 --> 00:13:19.840 The modern love promise goes something like this when I fall in love, everything will fall into place. 00:13:20.639 --> 00:13:25.279 Isn't that like the crux of most of our romantic comedies? 00:13:25.600 --> 00:13:28.240 When I fall in love, everything will fall into place. 00:13:28.399 --> 00:13:30.159 Oh, it's amazing. 00:13:30.480 --> 00:13:38.159 And it goes something like this find the right person, fall in love, live happily ever after. 00:13:38.320 --> 00:13:39.600 Find the right person. 00:13:39.840 --> 00:13:42.799 And that's a whole nother thing we don't have time to talk about. 00:13:42.960 --> 00:13:45.360 Is you never marry the right person. 00:13:45.519 --> 00:13:48.399 You actually grow to become the right couple. 00:13:48.639 --> 00:13:51.919 Uh find the right person, fall in love. 00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:52.879 Isn't it interesting? 00:13:53.039 --> 00:13:54.559 We talk about falling in love. 00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:55.440 Oh fall. 00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:59.840 We never use falling in a positive sense any other way, though. 00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:02.879 He fell for it. 00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:07.120 She fell off the wagon. 00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:10.159 Fell in love. 00:14:10.399 --> 00:14:10.879 I don't know. 00:14:10.960 --> 00:14:12.320 I don't know what's that going on. 00:14:12.559 --> 00:14:14.240 Then live happily ever after. 00:14:14.399 --> 00:14:16.399 Now here's the thing: reverse engineer that. 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:20.080 If you're not happily ever after, if there's a problem, well then what do you do? 00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:24.799 You fall out of love and you find a new right person. 00:14:27.440 --> 00:14:35.679 Leave is this idea of maturity where you upgrade your definition of love from an emotion, a feeling of a force, to devotion. 00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:37.759 And so maturity knows this. 00:14:38.000 --> 00:14:44.559 Maturity knows that it's less about falling in love and far more about growing in love. 00:14:46.799 --> 00:14:58.559 As we grow in love, um we um now here's we can't I came across this picture. 00:14:58.799 --> 00:15:04.159 We're doing some cleaning in the house, and uh it was, I saw this picture, check it out. 00:15:04.240 --> 00:15:05.759 This is Jenny and I. 00:15:08.960 --> 00:15:13.200 We've been married um 22 years this last December. 00:15:14.799 --> 00:15:18.879 And that's a picture of us, and at first I was trying to figure out when was this? 00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:28.159 And we were talking through, and then I realized as a pastor, I know exactly when this was, because that little envelope, I've seen many of these, uh, that is a marriage certificate. 00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:35.840 This was us down at the county clerk's office 22 plus years ago getting our marriage license. 00:15:36.960 --> 00:15:45.679 Happy love, about to make the second greatest commitment of our life, the first being the Jesus second to each other. 00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:49.200 I got news for you. 00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:59.519 I love that woman far more deeply and greatly today than I did back then. 00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:10.080 Twenty-two years ago, we stood before an altar and we declared our love, but honestly, I didn't fully know what love was. 00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:13.279 I had ideas about it. 00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:21.840 Twenty years we've had wonderful times, we've had hard times, we've seen the worst in each other. 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:24.480 She's seen the worst in me. 00:16:25.279 --> 00:16:32.559 Isn't it interesting that the people we love the most often get to see the worst and we treat them the worst sometimes? 00:16:33.279 --> 00:16:42.320 And through all of those moments and all of the highs and the lows and the wonder that like I'm amazed she's still with me. 00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:45.679 I'm not the easiest human. 00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:58.639 But love is less about falling in love, it's growing in love, and her love has grown and it has deepened and it's richer. 00:16:59.039 --> 00:17:04.720 I know her now in ways I could never have known her 22 years ago. 00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:17.440 And walking through every one of those seasons of life, and watching, you know, now three kids later, launching them out, and the richness that comes with that. 00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:31.440 Friend, I just gotta tell you, if you keep chasing the emotion, you will never get the depth and the richness of love that God longs for you, and that is just incredible. 00:17:32.400 --> 00:17:33.839 And so he says, leave. 00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:38.240 It's this idea of maturity. 00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:41.440 Then he says, cleave. 00:17:44.160 --> 00:17:44.799 Unite. 00:17:45.119 --> 00:17:46.400 It's a commitment. 00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:59.519 That word cleave, it literally means to um to be glued together in the Hebrew. 00:18:00.319 --> 00:18:05.039 It's this unbreakable, unshakable commitment. 00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:15.519 What commentators and scholars would tell you is this is the first covenant in Scripture. 00:18:15.759 --> 00:18:20.079 That marriage is actually a holy covenant, not a contract. 00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:28.240 A holy covenant, I have these cardboard boxes, a covenant is a promise or a pledge to another person that's irrevocable. 00:18:30.559 --> 00:18:35.519 It's not dependent on whether they're having a good day, whether they're meeting your needs. 00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:38.880 It's I make this promise and I make this pledge to you. 00:18:39.039 --> 00:18:42.960 We do it at the altar before God and others, and it's irrevocable. 00:18:43.119 --> 00:18:45.599 It's binding, it's unbreakable. 00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:50.799 It's the idea of taking two pieces of cardboard like this and putting crazy glue. 00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:52.960 I tried it last service, I couldn't get any out. 00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:55.920 I'm gonna try it and you bind it together. 00:18:56.559 --> 00:19:01.440 Thank God someone else, sweet Bailey, put it together for me. 00:19:03.599 --> 00:19:05.119 Where the two become one. 00:19:05.200 --> 00:19:07.759 You can't even barely tell there's two here now. 00:19:07.920 --> 00:19:09.839 I can't pull it apart. 00:19:10.559 --> 00:19:12.960 That's a covenant, commitment. 00:19:14.559 --> 00:19:18.559 And yet today we treat marriage more like a contract. 00:19:19.119 --> 00:19:22.640 Instead of super glue, we treat it a lot more like velcro. 00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:33.839 You know, we stick together, and while it's good, it's great. 00:19:35.119 --> 00:19:40.799 But then, you know, we allow uh the weight and pressure of life as it pulls on us. 00:19:41.759 --> 00:19:45.119 You know, maybe we have some disagreements in how to parent. 00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:51.839 Maybe our jobs and uh our career trajectory or our dreams begin to pull us apart. 00:19:52.000 --> 00:19:54.720 Maybe we just allowed each other just to drift. 00:19:54.799 --> 00:20:00.400 It's been years and we don't even pay attention to one another, and as it drifts, it just keeps pulling apart. 00:20:05.119 --> 00:20:10.640 See, a contract is a lot like my phone contract. 00:20:12.240 --> 00:20:27.599 We make a commitment, we sign up, we um we pay the money, and we expect some things in return, some services, some goods for it to, you know, work. 00:20:28.319 --> 00:20:33.119 And then you know what happens with the phone contract is there's hidden fees that they didn't tell us about. 00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:35.279 All of a sudden those show up, right? 00:20:35.440 --> 00:20:50.400 And and then after that, they keep raising the price on me, and then eventually you become dissatisfied with the amount that you're paying to the extent that you want to get out and find another contract. 00:20:50.559 --> 00:20:58.960 And that's what we do with marriage, is we get into it, and we thought, like, well, I'm gonna do this for you as long as you do this for me, and as long as that works, then we're good. 00:20:59.039 --> 00:21:02.400 And there's all these hidden fees in marriage that we didn't expect. 00:21:03.279 --> 00:21:06.480 And it costs more than we ever thought it would cost. 00:21:09.039 --> 00:21:18.160 When you believe and understand that your marriage is not velcro contract, that you know what, I'm just it it's it's binding, but you know what? 00:21:18.319 --> 00:21:20.559 Enough time, enough force, I can get out of it. 00:21:20.640 --> 00:21:22.640 It's super glue, it's unbreakable. 00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:26.480 It gives you the foundation to weather every storm. 00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:34.000 Come hell or high water through sickness, which this is, and health. 00:21:36.400 --> 00:21:44.960 When you don't have a backup plan, when you don't have an eject button, when you realize there's no back door or exit, you just have to work through it. 00:21:45.039 --> 00:21:47.119 You go, okay, let's figure it out. 00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:51.680 Because you know what the option is not getting out. 00:21:52.720 --> 00:22:06.799 Jesus would even say it this way in Matthew 19 for this reason, quoting Genesis, a man will leave his father and mother, be united to His wife and the two will become what something new happened, united, bonded. 00:22:07.119 --> 00:22:09.359 So they're no longer two, but one flesh. 00:22:09.519 --> 00:22:12.160 Therefore, what who who joined it? 00:22:12.960 --> 00:22:13.279 Oh. 00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:17.680 Uh-oh. 00:22:19.440 --> 00:22:20.640 Who joined it? 00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:23.440 What God joined together. 00:22:27.119 --> 00:22:29.839 Oh, we've become too casual with marriage. 00:22:31.039 --> 00:22:34.160 Allowed it to become some cultural thing and my thing. 00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:36.880 And it's like, no, that wedding ceremony is sacred. 00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:38.160 It's a holy moment. 00:22:40.799 --> 00:22:42.880 God joined it together. 00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:45.440 Let no one seek to separate. 00:22:46.400 --> 00:22:49.200 There's a oneing that happened here. 00:22:52.559 --> 00:22:52.960 Dr. 00:22:53.119 --> 00:23:00.319 Preston Sprinkle outlines and defines the orthodox Christian understanding of marriage. 00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:17.759 He says, marriage is a lifelong one flesh covenant union between two sexually different persons, male and female from different families, united with the purpose of telling God's story and faithfulness and creativity, and sexual relationships outside this covenant union are a sin. 00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:20.400 We'll get to that in a second. 00:23:21.200 --> 00:23:29.920 When I do weddings, often we have two sets of vows. 00:23:31.519 --> 00:23:33.839 This is kind of the traditional wedding. 00:23:34.079 --> 00:23:42.000 And the first set of vows is you have the couple and they're standing and they're facing the pastor facing me. 00:23:42.640 --> 00:23:47.200 And they're declaring this before God and these witnesses. 00:23:47.359 --> 00:23:51.359 And then the second set of vows is to one another. 00:23:51.759 --> 00:23:57.599 The first set of vows, I just read the man's portion, goes like this. 00:23:57.839 --> 00:24:14.240 Do you solemnly agree before God and these witnesses to take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to love and respect her, to honor and cherish her in health and in sickness, in prosperity and adversity, and leaving all others to keep yourself only unto her so long as you both shall live. 00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:18.960 They often say, I do or I will. 00:24:19.920 --> 00:24:21.440 See the process. 00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:25.759 For one flesh, intimacy is leave. 00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:29.920 Cleave, this commitment, worth in it. 00:24:32.720 --> 00:24:34.400 And then one flesh. 00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:39.519 But in our culture, we've reversed the order. 00:24:41.279 --> 00:24:44.960 This is why we're struggling so much relationally, by the way. 00:24:45.279 --> 00:24:51.920 Because if it works best by God's design, but we want to do it our own way, we just keep hitting up against it. 00:24:52.960 --> 00:24:55.200 Hurting ourselves. 00:24:56.559 --> 00:24:57.519 Culturally. 00:24:57.759 --> 00:24:59.279 This is where we're at culturally. 00:24:59.440 --> 00:25:00.640 It's just hook up. 00:25:01.200 --> 00:25:03.119 First date, second date, third date. 00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:05.519 I don't know when, but we just hook up. 00:25:06.240 --> 00:25:09.839 And eventually, after a season of hooking up, well, we should shack up. 00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:12.960 We should live together. 00:25:15.279 --> 00:25:20.559 And then after you shack up, eventually what happens statistically at least is you break up. 00:25:23.279 --> 00:25:24.079 Hook up. 00:25:24.400 --> 00:25:25.440 Shack up. 00:25:26.160 --> 00:25:27.119 Break up. 00:25:30.319 --> 00:25:41.279 What's interesting is while current generations are delaying marriage for men 30 years of age, for women 28 years of age, they're not delaying the age of first residential union or sexual coupling. 00:25:41.440 --> 00:25:46.240 Young people today are living together as couples at the same age as older generations. 00:25:46.319 --> 00:25:48.640 They're just doing it outside the setting of marriage. 00:25:48.880 --> 00:25:54.880 Cohabitation, by the way, has great uh higher, higher rates of divorce. 00:25:55.599 --> 00:26:00.079 You know, something that Jenny and I did when we were first married. 00:26:00.480 --> 00:26:02.240 We just made a commitment. 00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:06.000 We would never use the D word in our marriage. 00:26:06.640 --> 00:26:08.240 We not even joke about it. 00:26:08.480 --> 00:26:09.279 Divorce. 00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:15.599 Now there's biblical grounds for divorce, whether it's abuse, infidelity, or abandonment. 00:26:15.759 --> 00:26:18.960 I've had friends that have walked that painful journey. 00:26:21.759 --> 00:26:26.880 Much of the times many people get divorced today is not for any of those reasons. 00:26:27.279 --> 00:26:28.880 We just drifted apart. 00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:30.960 We just disagree. 00:26:31.519 --> 00:26:33.839 We have these financial pressures. 00:26:34.319 --> 00:26:38.079 I just let, I don't love him anymore, I don't love her anymore. 00:26:38.160 --> 00:26:40.160 I found someone new. 00:26:40.880 --> 00:26:43.279 And I deserve to be happy. 00:26:44.720 --> 00:26:51.119 And we just said, we'll never ever use the D word in our marriage. 00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:56.880 We've invested, and I'm grateful for this in our marriage. 00:26:57.279 --> 00:27:04.000 And one of the pictures that I had, I was at another wedding, and I love learning from other pastors. 00:27:04.079 --> 00:27:07.359 And this pastor talked about the five stages of relationship. 00:27:07.440 --> 00:27:08.880 It was so helpful. 00:27:09.200 --> 00:27:16.079 Because for some, you're in a relationship and you're in some of these stages and you're wondering, will it ever get better? 00:27:18.240 --> 00:27:20.079 Five stages of relationship go like this. 00:27:20.240 --> 00:27:21.759 The honeymoon stage. 00:27:22.079 --> 00:27:26.960 In the honeymoon stage, it's that puppy love, it's the infatuation euphoric. 00:27:27.119 --> 00:27:31.039 Scientifically, it lasts anywhere between six months to two years. 00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:35.359 Um you say they're perfect, never change. 00:27:36.480 --> 00:27:37.279 Never change. 00:27:37.359 --> 00:27:38.079 That's funny. 00:27:38.240 --> 00:27:39.440 Never change. 00:27:39.759 --> 00:27:43.119 Because then you move from that to the disillusionment stage. 00:27:43.200 --> 00:27:48.960 And in the disillusionment stage, you begin to say this if only they would change. 00:27:51.200 --> 00:28:00.799 Like if they would just change this habit, this response, if they would do this, our marriage, our relationship, everything would be better. 00:28:02.000 --> 00:28:07.599 I know I'm messed up and I may bring a little bit to the party, but if they would change this, it would fix it all. 00:28:07.759 --> 00:28:13.519 And the disillusionment stage then moves to the misery stage where you just finally realize I can't change them. 00:28:15.359 --> 00:28:17.039 I can't change them. 00:28:19.839 --> 00:28:22.079 And you do, couples do all sorts of things. 00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:27.920 Maybe you add kids to the mix to try to figure some things out, and that doesn't always help or ever help. 00:28:28.079 --> 00:28:30.000 So maybe you figure out, well, let's just move. 00:28:30.160 --> 00:28:32.319 We need to venture, we need to spice stuff up. 00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:38.319 And the problem is you bring the old you to your new place, and you have all the old patterns that come into that. 00:28:38.400 --> 00:28:44.799 And but at the misery stage, you go like, I just can't, I can't change them. 00:28:45.839 --> 00:28:47.920 And then you have the awakening stage. 00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:49.519 This is powerful. 00:28:50.720 --> 00:28:58.319 You stop trying to change them and you begin to ask, what can I do to change? 00:28:58.799 --> 00:29:03.279 I like the old adage, it doesn't matter how flat a pancake, there's always two sides. 00:29:04.559 --> 00:29:12.720 And and the thing is, is no matter where you're at in the relationship, you can look at the other and like, man, they have 90% of the problem. 00:29:12.880 --> 00:29:13.599 I only have 10%. 00:29:13.920 --> 00:29:15.119 Well, deal with your 10%. 00:29:17.519 --> 00:29:25.680 Because if you finally realize I can't change anyone, and as long as I keep trying to change you, I'm only making things worse. 00:29:27.759 --> 00:29:30.799 But if I begin to ask, what can I do to change? 00:29:31.359 --> 00:29:33.519 How can I respond differently? 00:29:34.160 --> 00:29:45.200 Maybe there's some maturity issues in me that I've brought in from that I need to grow and develop in emotionally, spiritually, relationally. 00:29:45.279 --> 00:29:47.039 And you ask, what can I do to change? 00:29:47.200 --> 00:30:02.559 As you begin to ask that, it is a process, it is hard work, then you move into the intimacy stage where your differences don't divide you, they begin to be an opportunity to unite you, where you're better together. 00:30:02.720 --> 00:30:12.319 Now, you don't just move so easily through all five of these stages, you kind of revisit them through different seasons of life. 00:30:13.920 --> 00:30:33.440 One of the best things that I'm so grateful for that Jenny and I did, it was a little over ten years ago, is we were in kind of that misery stage, or you know, like I can't change them, we're struggling. 00:30:33.680 --> 00:30:39.920 And a mentor of ours gave us uh a therapist to reach out to, and her name's Sue. 00:30:41.039 --> 00:30:42.319 We love Sue. 00:30:43.359 --> 00:30:46.720 We talk about Sue almost like she's part of our family. 00:30:47.359 --> 00:30:55.039 In the early years, we saw Sue like every other week, and it was just hard work trying to figure things out. 00:30:55.200 --> 00:30:56.559 Then eventually it was once a month. 00:30:56.640 --> 00:30:59.920 Now it's like, you know, these check-ins that we do with her. 00:31:01.279 --> 00:31:08.799 It was so helpful to have someone on the outside because we were stuck in no amount of one person explaining or the other person explaining. 00:31:08.880 --> 00:31:19.119 If we just caught in this cycle that we couldn't get out of, and then to have someone outside be able to speak into and see it, it was like, whoa, this is amazing. 00:31:19.680 --> 00:31:21.599 And it's so helpful. 00:31:23.359 --> 00:31:33.440 And something that we talk about, especially when we're meeting with young couples that are getting married, is just simply this little bit of advice. 00:31:33.519 --> 00:31:49.359 If you invest in your marriage the same amount of time that you invest in your wedding day, you're gonna be set up like to have a flourishing marriage. 00:31:49.759 --> 00:31:51.039 Think about it. 00:31:51.519 --> 00:31:52.720 This is amazing. 00:31:52.960 --> 00:32:01.759 Think about the time, the money, the energy intentionality that goes into a single day. 00:32:02.079 --> 00:32:03.680 Let's just talk about the money. 00:32:03.839 --> 00:32:08.240 Um, so like the cheapest amount of that you can do a wedding today. 00:32:08.319 --> 00:32:11.920 I mean, you so you can really scrap it and people do it, but but like 30 grand. 00:32:12.160 --> 00:32:14.000 I said the first service, and people just laughed. 00:32:14.079 --> 00:32:16.160 Like, no, you can't do a wedding for 30 grand. 00:32:17.279 --> 00:32:18.079 100 grand. 00:32:19.200 --> 00:32:22.160 I got a daughter, I gotta start saving up for that. 00:32:26.079 --> 00:32:28.480 Think about the massive amount of money. 00:32:28.720 --> 00:32:31.039 Spend an entire year planning. 00:32:31.200 --> 00:32:33.519 You have a bridal book, they don't have that anymore. 00:32:33.599 --> 00:32:43.039 You have a bridal website, you have an app that you see, it organizes everything, and then we get married and we go into autopilot. 00:32:45.599 --> 00:32:47.839 No wonder we're struggling. 00:32:48.480 --> 00:32:49.680 No wonder. 00:32:52.000 --> 00:33:00.240 If you just begin to invest in your marriage, it will pay incredible dividends. 00:33:01.039 --> 00:33:01.599 Cleave. 00:33:02.240 --> 00:33:07.039 Maturity, cleave, commitments. 00:33:07.359 --> 00:33:12.799 And it says, and the two became one flesh, intimacy. 00:33:15.440 --> 00:33:20.960 This language here for one flesh is speaking specifically sexually. 00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:30.160 It's speaking that actually that oneness that happens, the the is happening through sexual intimacy. 00:33:30.240 --> 00:33:32.319 It's the glue that bonds us. 00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:50.880 Scientifically, we see this and know that when we have sex, that there is actually chemicals and hormones that are released that are called bonding chemicals, that it bonds you to the other person, that there is a uniting that happens that's more than just physical. 00:33:50.960 --> 00:34:00.000 And we must understand this that sex is more than just physical, it's spiritual, it's sacred, it's holy. 00:34:01.039 --> 00:34:05.039 Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage said this about sexuality. 00:34:05.200 --> 00:34:14.559 He says, sex is a God-invented way to say to another person, I belong completely and exclusively and permanently to you. 00:34:17.840 --> 00:34:22.639 The picture often when we talk about sex is this idea of a fire. 00:34:23.920 --> 00:34:32.880 The fire in a fireplace is in that construct, it provides warmth and life. 00:34:34.400 --> 00:34:38.239 In the wild, we've experienced the devastations here in California. 00:34:38.880 --> 00:34:40.079 It brings destruction. 00:34:40.320 --> 00:34:45.280 You see, God is actually not down on sex, he wants you to have the best sex ever. 00:34:49.119 --> 00:34:59.119 And so he's created the space where you have maturity, a commitment that brings safety and intimacy. 00:35:00.639 --> 00:35:05.039 Where you can experience full freedom. 00:35:06.800 --> 00:35:10.400 And so the test drive before you buy, that's stupid. 00:35:11.679 --> 00:35:15.760 Making sure you're sexually compatible, that's a myth. 00:35:16.320 --> 00:35:28.960 It's interesting, 52% of singles have had a one-night stand, 41% of singles have friends with benefits, and yet 84% say sex is better when you're in love. 00:35:29.920 --> 00:35:45.440 The Journal for Sex Research, yes, there is a journal for this, found that emotional connection, long-term commitment, and trust are the top predictors of great sex, not casual encounters or sexual variety. 00:35:46.559 --> 00:35:48.239 Who has the best sex? 00:35:49.280 --> 00:35:51.360 You're just not gonna believe this. 00:35:52.719 --> 00:35:54.719 I know I'm a pastor. 00:35:55.280 --> 00:35:58.800 So you're like, he he like is making some of this stuff up. 00:35:58.960 --> 00:36:01.679 He's just this is research. 00:36:01.760 --> 00:36:03.199 I am not lying. 00:36:03.679 --> 00:36:08.000 This is like, this isn't, I this is not Christian research. 00:36:08.159 --> 00:36:12.239 This is out of the University of Virginia. 00:36:13.199 --> 00:36:14.800 Who has the best sex? 00:36:15.519 --> 00:36:34.079 Listen, married, I'm not religious couples, especially those who attend church regularly, report the highest level of sexual satisfaction and frequency. 00:36:36.480 --> 00:36:37.119 Why? 00:36:38.639 --> 00:36:47.360 Because God designed love, sex, and marriage, and it works best by his design, it just does. 00:36:49.199 --> 00:36:55.280 And when we go outside of that, it's not like God's down on us in any way. 00:36:55.360 --> 00:37:01.920 It just means we keep breaking ourselves against his design, and so we hurt ourselves. 00:37:03.920 --> 00:37:06.320 And so as we close, just a couple thoughts. 00:37:08.480 --> 00:37:13.440 Some of us are here today and feeling the sting of a past relationship. 00:37:14.800 --> 00:37:17.760 Maybe you've been burned by a love that was blind. 00:37:19.039 --> 00:37:24.400 You gave your heart or your body your trust, and it just didn't last. 00:37:26.400 --> 00:37:33.840 Now you're wondering, especially going for like I can I ever experience God's design? 00:37:34.880 --> 00:37:36.639 Have I gone too far? 00:37:37.599 --> 00:37:39.119 Am I too broken? 00:37:41.280 --> 00:37:44.800 Other of us are carrying a weight of a struggling marriage. 00:37:45.840 --> 00:37:48.800 You're trying to make it work, you're gonna get tired. 00:37:50.480 --> 00:37:56.000 You're in what feels like the misery stage with no end in sight. 00:37:57.519 --> 00:37:59.920 And you're asking, is it ever gonna get better? 00:38:04.639 --> 00:38:12.800 And then those who are single, maybe you feel like something's missing or somehow incomplete. 00:38:13.599 --> 00:38:18.159 And the truth is, no matter where you find yourself today, you are not alone. 00:38:20.639 --> 00:38:22.239 You are not alone. 00:38:23.119 --> 00:38:29.440 There's a God who sees you, not the curated version, but the real you. 00:38:50.719 --> 00:39:01.679 And if you'll let him into your story, he won't just fix up what's broken, he'll begin to write a brand new story. 00:39:02.639 --> 00:39:10.400 Story of healing, story of hope, story of wholeness. 00:39:12.559 --> 00:39:15.360 And so where are you? 00:39:17.519 --> 00:39:21.280 What are the aches and the pains and the heartaches? 00:39:28.000 --> 00:39:30.800 Would you invite him into your story? 00:39:34.559 --> 00:39:35.679 Just right now. 00:39:36.320 --> 00:39:57.199 Invite him into your story, invite him into the longings, invite him into the disappointments, invite him into the abuse that has so been a shadow in your life. 00:40:04.320 --> 00:40:13.760 The places you've kept closed off, hoping just won't go away. 00:40:16.800 --> 00:40:20.719 Would you invite him in right now? 00:40:24.400 --> 00:40:28.960 Heavenly Father, invite you into my story. 00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:42.159 Would you write and begin to write a new story? 00:40:42.719 --> 00:40:45.199 Would you breathe healing right now? 00:40:45.440 --> 00:40:47.440 Would you breathe wholeness? 00:40:48.960 --> 00:40:51.760 Would you breathe fresh forgiveness? 00:40:54.320 --> 00:41:01.599 Would you lift the burden and the shame and the pain right now? 00:41:08.239 --> 00:41:10.559 We hope you are blessed by this message. 00:41:10.719 --> 00:41:15.119 Please subscribe to our podcast for access to every episode as they're uploaded. 00:41:15.280 --> 00:41:17.360 And hey, we'd love to connect with you. 00:41:17.519 --> 00:41:23.440 Take a next step by filling out our virtual connection card at awakeningchurch.com slash card.