WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.399 Welcome to the Awakening Church podcast. 00:00:02.560 --> 00:00:07.040 We pray this message encourages you and provides the hope and light of Jesus Christ. 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:08.640 Thanks for tuning in. 00:00:18.960 --> 00:00:21.440 I love coffee every single morning. 00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:25.039 Actually, Andre gave me this French press. 00:00:25.120 --> 00:00:29.280 Every single morning I get up, I have my routine, get up before everyone else. 00:00:29.600 --> 00:00:34.159 I make a fresh pot of French press coffee. 00:00:34.399 --> 00:00:37.920 I sit, I have my time with God, and then I dive into my work. 00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:40.960 Now, I'm a particularly slow coffee drinker. 00:00:41.200 --> 00:00:42.960 Anybody fast coffee drinkers here? 00:00:43.200 --> 00:00:44.240 Yeah, my wife's that. 00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:45.520 She just guzzles it. 00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:47.119 Um I'm slow. 00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:49.280 I one cup can last me a long time. 00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:52.560 So you can imagine a whole thing like this. 00:00:52.719 --> 00:00:57.600 So I I drink this over the course of the entire day, right? 00:00:57.679 --> 00:00:58.960 And so I'm just enjoying it. 00:00:59.039 --> 00:01:06.159 In fact, this is still leftover uh from this that early coffee session that I had this morning. 00:01:06.400 --> 00:01:14.000 Now, um, one of the and so one of the things that I do love doing is then you know, taking my coffee with me to work. 00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:21.439 I put it into a mug, I heat it up, and there's just something special about bringing that mug with me as I go up on my day. 00:01:21.519 --> 00:01:27.359 I'm like, oh, this delicious goodness that started my mornings like with me, you know. 00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:36.480 Um one morning, one morning I uh misjudged time, forgot about a particular meeting. 00:01:36.640 --> 00:01:40.319 My, you know, alert shows up that I have this meeting in 10 minutes. 00:01:40.560 --> 00:01:50.799 I'm stressed out, I'm running around trying to, you know, um to get everything ready, and so I'm like, okay, but I gotta have my coffee. 00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:53.040 I pour it into the mug, I put it into the microwave. 00:01:53.280 --> 00:01:55.439 Oh, we got a new microwave. 00:01:55.680 --> 00:01:58.000 We used to have this kind of big microwave. 00:01:58.079 --> 00:02:03.920 Um I thought it was great, but apparently I was told that it's probably not good for your health because it had peeling stuff on the inside. 00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:04.799 I don't know. 00:02:05.040 --> 00:02:11.759 Um, but we got a new microwave, it's small, it's cute, I'm told, but it's small. 00:02:12.159 --> 00:02:16.560 And it takes a really long time, double the time to heat stuff up, right? 00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:21.599 And so have this microwave, it's so small, like you can barely fit one dinner plate in there, right? 00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:23.759 It's like, okay, shove it in there. 00:02:23.919 --> 00:02:47.360 So I put my coffee in there, I hit the buttons, started, I'm running around, I grab the, you know, I hear the ding, I go to grab it, I open the door, I fling it open, and I'm as I'm not looking, the door swings back closed, knocks the cup out of my hand, a full, beautiful mud I add, cup of French press coffee slams to the ground. 00:02:47.520 --> 00:02:51.680 Now, this was like a liquid fireworks display. 00:02:51.759 --> 00:02:58.479 I gotta tell you, I've never seen a spray quite like this, and you probably never will ever in your life. 00:02:58.639 --> 00:03:03.439 I mean, it didn't just go this way, it went this way. 00:03:04.960 --> 00:03:06.240 Everywhere. 00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:12.159 Still to this day, there are coffee stains on our ceiling. 00:03:12.560 --> 00:03:16.719 I mean, like, not like one or two, stained. 00:03:17.199 --> 00:03:18.319 Like, scrub them. 00:03:18.400 --> 00:03:22.639 Jenny like was scrubbing them, still can't get them off the ceiling. 00:03:22.719 --> 00:03:24.159 I'm gonna have to paint because of this. 00:03:24.240 --> 00:03:27.520 I'm gonna have to paint our ceiling because of the coffee stains. 00:03:27.759 --> 00:03:33.039 Now, do you know what my very first thought was when that happened? 00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:40.080 My very first thought, why'd Jenny have to get a new microwave? 00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:44.639 That was my very first thought. 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:52.719 Because if she didn't get a new microwave that didn't take longer to cook, you know, and I, you know, I wouldn't have slammed it. 00:03:52.800 --> 00:03:57.199 I didn't know that I was so strong that it was gonna go this way and knock it out. 00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:00.240 My very first thought. 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:06.639 Why is our first reflex when things go wrong to ask who blew it? 00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:09.599 Whose fault is it? 00:04:11.199 --> 00:04:16.399 We just immediately jump to pointing fingers, don't we? 00:04:17.839 --> 00:04:26.879 But here's the thing: if finger pointing really fixed anything, why do we still see the same messes on repeat? 00:04:27.759 --> 00:04:33.040 We point the fingers, we cast the blame, we think, oh, it's gotta be their fault. 00:04:33.199 --> 00:04:35.120 I it's not my fault. 00:04:36.560 --> 00:04:38.879 No, it couldn't be my fault. 00:04:39.600 --> 00:04:46.959 It's the dog's fault, it's my boss's fault, it's my parents' fault, uh, it's my spouse's fault. 00:04:47.439 --> 00:04:49.040 Oh, here's a good one. 00:04:51.279 --> 00:04:52.959 They made me do it. 00:04:53.519 --> 00:04:53.920 Right? 00:04:54.079 --> 00:04:55.279 You ever said that? 00:04:55.759 --> 00:04:57.680 I had no choice. 00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:02.720 I couldn't help myself. 00:05:02.800 --> 00:05:05.279 Like we say these things. 00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:31.360 See, one of the things that we have to recognize and realize is that blame is actually woven into the fabric of our reflex, of how we respond when life doesn't go the way we thought it would when we do things we wish we did not do. 00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:40.560 And yet the problem is what if blame is the very thing trapping me in my brokenness? 00:05:44.639 --> 00:05:49.920 I mean, we say things like, I was put in an impossible situation. 00:05:50.399 --> 00:05:53.199 We blame people, we blame circumstances. 00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:57.439 I happened with my coffee to blame both Microwave and Jenny. 00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:10.240 We passively aggressively pass the buck on the Slack feed at work so that people know, oh yeah, I may not have fulfilled this, but so-and-so. 00:06:13.759 --> 00:06:18.879 What if blame is the very thing trapping us in our brokenness? 00:06:19.040 --> 00:06:30.639 How do we break free from this blame game that actually is undermining your future, undermining your relationships, undermining your freedom? 00:06:30.800 --> 00:06:35.600 Now we're in a series called Where in the World Did We Go Wrong? 00:06:35.839 --> 00:06:41.199 We're in uh this ancient book, is the very first book in the Bible. 00:06:41.279 --> 00:06:42.160 It's called Genesis. 00:06:42.319 --> 00:06:50.079 Genesis just means beginnings, and we're studying chapter three, and chapter three is what theologians call the fall. 00:06:50.160 --> 00:06:52.720 It's where it all went wrong. 00:06:52.959 --> 00:06:59.439 And last week we looked at Adam and Eve, they're tempted, the serpent is tempting them, this tree, the knowledge of good and evil. 00:06:59.519 --> 00:07:10.000 There's you can eat of any tree in all of the garden, but not one tree, and the serpent tempts them, entices them, and then they look, they take. 00:07:10.160 --> 00:07:12.240 I can't quite, I'm gonna try it. 00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:13.040 Actually, never mind. 00:07:13.120 --> 00:07:14.079 It fell on the ground. 00:07:14.720 --> 00:07:15.759 I shouldn't have done that. 00:07:15.920 --> 00:07:23.199 It fell um I dropped it on the way in on the concrete out or in the street outside. 00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:25.360 And do you know whose fault that was? 00:07:26.720 --> 00:07:27.920 It was my fault. 00:07:28.079 --> 00:07:31.680 Um 30-second rule, that's right. 00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:36.560 And last week, where in the world did we go wrong? 00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:41.920 Because we can't actually begin to put things right until we understand where we went wrong. 00:07:42.079 --> 00:07:50.160 Last week we said this we where we went wrong is we believe the lie that we could actually be better, we could be happier without God. 00:07:51.839 --> 00:08:02.720 And today we are gonna dive into this reality of blame that is so pervasive in our lives, in our world, that is actually keeping us stuck. 00:08:02.879 --> 00:08:05.839 The sermon title is simply this The Devil Made Me Do It. 00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:09.680 Go ahead and turn to your neighbor and say, The devil made me do it. 00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:14.399 Uh, if you got your Bibles, open up to Genesis chapter 3. 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:21.120 If not, it's in your notes, it's on the screen behind me, or you can open up your phones, however you read today. 00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:24.319 Genesis 3, verse 8 begins this way. 00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:30.639 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the cool of the day. 00:08:30.800 --> 00:08:33.919 And that's an amazing picture, by the way, about how we're designed. 00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:48.159 We're designed to be in community in relationship with one another and with God, a type of intimacy and life where God is walking with us in the cool of the day, like he's present in our daily lives. 00:08:48.320 --> 00:08:52.159 Now, this is uh interesting though, verse 8 continues on. 00:08:52.399 --> 00:08:53.360 And they what? 00:08:53.919 --> 00:08:55.120 Hid from the Lord. 00:08:55.279 --> 00:08:56.960 Uh-oh, something happened. 00:08:57.200 --> 00:08:58.639 They never hid before. 00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:02.159 They would hear him and they would come to him, they would go to him. 00:09:02.320 --> 00:09:06.960 Now they hear him and they hid from the Lord among the trees of the garden. 00:09:07.039 --> 00:09:09.840 But the Lord God called to the man, and I love this. 00:09:10.159 --> 00:09:11.279 Where are you? 00:09:12.320 --> 00:09:16.080 We'll talk about this as we close out the series, The God Who Pursues. 00:09:16.240 --> 00:09:18.879 Um, I love this because God doesn't shame them. 00:09:19.039 --> 00:09:21.360 Does God, did God know where they were? 00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:23.759 The answer is yes. 00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:26.240 He's God, he knows everything. 00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:33.679 Uh it's a little bit like a kid playing uh think uh peekaboo and like closing their eyes and going, You can't see me. 00:09:33.759 --> 00:09:36.159 You know, that's what Adam and Eve are doing in this moment, right? 00:09:36.320 --> 00:09:37.279 It's like you can't see me. 00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:39.759 He's like, No, I see you, but you know what he didn't ask? 00:09:39.919 --> 00:09:41.039 What did you do? 00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:42.720 That's a shame question. 00:09:43.840 --> 00:09:45.120 He asked, where are you? 00:09:45.759 --> 00:09:47.279 That's a relationship question. 00:09:47.840 --> 00:09:49.600 Something shifted, something changed. 00:09:49.759 --> 00:09:52.559 Our normal way has changed. 00:09:53.200 --> 00:09:54.799 He asked, where are you? 00:09:55.039 --> 00:09:59.600 He answered, I heard you in the garden and I was what? 00:10:00.399 --> 00:10:00.960 Afraid. 00:10:01.600 --> 00:10:06.639 It's the first time they've ever been afraid in their life. 00:10:08.320 --> 00:10:12.320 Because I was naked, so I hid, I was exposed. 00:10:14.320 --> 00:10:16.480 And he said, Who told you that you were naked? 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:19.759 Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat? 00:10:20.960 --> 00:10:26.720 The man said, The woman you put here with me. 00:10:28.399 --> 00:10:32.960 First response to a question, have you eaten? 00:10:33.120 --> 00:10:39.759 The answer, the woman you put here with me. 00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:43.279 She gave me some fruit of the tree and I ate it. 00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:45.840 Okay, who is he blaming? 00:10:47.200 --> 00:10:49.039 Woman, yeah, and God. 00:10:49.919 --> 00:10:51.600 He just decided to go everywhere. 00:10:51.679 --> 00:10:52.639 He's like, you know what? 00:10:52.799 --> 00:10:59.360 The woman, yeah, I don't she has a name, but right now I'm so mad I'm kind of kind of just calling her woman at this point. 00:10:59.440 --> 00:11:01.840 They're gonna have a whole conversation later about that. 00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:04.799 The woman you put here. 00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:06.240 Uh-oh. 00:11:08.559 --> 00:11:09.039 Why? 00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:17.360 Because our natural reflex when we are exposed is to deflect it. 00:11:19.120 --> 00:11:20.480 That's blame. 00:11:20.879 --> 00:11:23.600 Then the Lord God said to the woman, What is this you have done? 00:11:23.759 --> 00:11:24.320 I love it. 00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:25.360 God just leaves it hanging. 00:11:25.440 --> 00:11:27.360 He doesn't like correct it, he leaves it hanging. 00:11:27.519 --> 00:11:28.960 And then what does the woman do? 00:11:29.120 --> 00:11:31.279 The woman says, The serpent. 00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:36.879 And we just are passing the buck down the line. 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:45.759 And when blame enters the story, it creates fractures in relationships. 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:51.840 And so today, what we want to do is simply just three things. 00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:56.960 We want to talk about and identify like where did this reflex of blame come from? 00:11:58.399 --> 00:12:00.480 What is the high cost of blame? 00:12:00.639 --> 00:12:01.679 What's the impact of it? 00:12:01.759 --> 00:12:09.200 And then how do we uh you know experience the antidote uh so that we can break free from the cycle of blame? 00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:10.159 Okay, you with me? 00:12:10.240 --> 00:12:11.200 You ready? 00:12:12.879 --> 00:12:13.519 Hmm. 00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:17.360 You with me? 00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:18.000 You ready? 00:12:18.080 --> 00:12:18.480 Let's go. 00:12:18.559 --> 00:12:18.879 Come on. 00:12:19.039 --> 00:12:20.159 You're like, I don't know. 00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:22.000 I didn't really, I don't feel like it, Ryan. 00:12:22.080 --> 00:12:22.879 It's about blame. 00:12:22.960 --> 00:12:25.039 I it's a little too convicting. 00:12:25.200 --> 00:12:27.279 How do we break free from the cycle of blame? 00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:28.799 Experience freedom and growth. 00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:33.039 First, the reflex of blame, it's what we've done from the very beginning. 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:34.799 It's our natural instinct. 00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:35.600 I like how Dr. 00:12:35.679 --> 00:12:36.799 Brene Brown says it. 00:12:36.879 --> 00:12:40.960 Blame is simply discharging of discomfort and pain. 00:12:41.279 --> 00:12:42.399 That's what Adam did. 00:12:42.480 --> 00:12:43.519 That's what Dee did. 00:12:43.600 --> 00:12:45.440 Uh, Eve did in the moment. 00:12:46.159 --> 00:12:52.720 I'm discharging my discomfort, this question, instead of me saying, Yep, I ate it. 00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:58.080 Uh the woman you put here. 00:12:58.799 --> 00:12:59.679 Why do we do this? 00:12:59.840 --> 00:13:02.159 First, uh, the why do we have this reflex? 00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:03.840 First, we have a destructive belief. 00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:07.039 It's simply this failure equals unlovable. 00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:18.799 If I fail, I like how uh Robert McGee he wrote The Search for Significance, great book, classic, deeply formational in my 20s and early 30s. 00:13:19.200 --> 00:13:24.559 He wrote this those who fail are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished. 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:26.960 That is the blame mantra. 00:13:27.679 --> 00:13:37.759 When we fall under this, we're believing this destructive lie that when I fail, I am unworthy of love and deserve to be punished. 00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:41.039 And so as a result, uh, what do I do? 00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:42.960 I deflect responsibility. 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:48.879 If I truly believe that if when I fail, I'm unworthy of love and deserve to be punished, and so do you. 00:13:48.960 --> 00:13:54.320 One, I'll let you know it because you deserve to be punished, but I'll deflect responsibility. 00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:54.720 Why? 00:13:54.879 --> 00:14:01.840 Because if love is earned by perfection, performance, or approval, then any crack in my image must be covered. 00:14:02.320 --> 00:14:08.159 Blame becomes camouflage for a soul terrified of being inadequate. 00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:10.960 And so we deflect responsibility. 00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:16.000 The way psychologists say it is that we have a self-serving bias. 00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:25.200 We have this self-serving bias, the cognitive reflex that credits me for my successes and excuses me for my failures. 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:30.080 So when you do something really great, you're like, yeah, that was me. 00:14:30.480 --> 00:14:32.639 Woohoo! I almost fell off the stage. 00:14:32.879 --> 00:14:34.799 Uh that was me. 00:14:36.559 --> 00:14:40.240 When something goes wrong, that was their fault. 00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:47.120 We just begin to look for someone to point the finger at. 00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:48.879 Here's what's interesting, by the way. 00:14:49.039 --> 00:14:52.240 Um, we see the problem in everyone else but ourselves. 00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:54.240 A 2025 survey of U.S. 00:14:54.320 --> 00:14:58.559 employees found that 61% say they've been thrown under the bus. 00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:00.799 The interesting part. 00:15:01.279 --> 00:15:07.279 Yet 73% insist they've never done it to anyone else. 00:15:07.919 --> 00:15:09.919 The math doesn't add up. 00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:11.519 Why? 00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:15.679 Because we have a self-serving bias. 00:15:15.840 --> 00:15:17.919 We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. 00:15:18.080 --> 00:15:27.759 We excuse our bad behavior, we justify our reasoning, and yet we uh condemn or pass the buck to somebody else. 00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:35.519 Carol Taveras, uh psychologist, she wrote a book called Mistakes Were Made, but not by me. 00:15:36.559 --> 00:15:42.240 In it she writes, most people, most people, how many? 00:15:43.519 --> 00:15:52.639 Most! When confronted with evidence that they're wrong, justify themselves all the more. 00:15:53.919 --> 00:15:56.080 It's the blame reflex. 00:15:56.639 --> 00:16:03.200 It goes back to this belief that fail if we fail, we're unloved, and so we deflect responsibility. 00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:04.080 Uh why? 00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:05.840 To create distance. 00:16:07.279 --> 00:16:08.240 Again, Dr. 00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:17.039 McGee says this blaming others helps us put a safe distance between our failure and our fragile self-worth. 00:16:17.919 --> 00:16:34.320 In fact, neuroscience uh studies show that blame lowers stress temporarily, it gives us this immediate hit, this immediate relief, it lowers stress temporarily, but then later spikes when relationships suffer. 00:16:34.960 --> 00:16:38.720 It's that short-term gain for long-term pain. 00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:46.399 The truth is, blame doesn't protect your heart, it only hardens it. 00:16:48.159 --> 00:16:52.159 So, what then is the cost of blame? 00:16:53.279 --> 00:16:55.440 There's this high cost of blame. 00:16:55.840 --> 00:17:02.559 We have to understand it so that we break free from it because if it's like, oh, it doesn't really cost me that much, and I no, no. 00:17:02.879 --> 00:17:05.200 Listen, we know this, we get this. 00:17:05.519 --> 00:17:10.799 The first cost of blame is isolation, it distances us from others. 00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:12.480 Can you imagine? 00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:13.519 I just I don't know. 00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:21.119 We don't have it recorded, but I'm curious how the conversation went with Adam and Eve after that moment. 00:17:23.519 --> 00:17:25.359 Did you eat of the fruit? 00:17:26.480 --> 00:17:36.559 The woman you gave me, it fractured their relationship. 00:17:37.359 --> 00:17:42.160 It put distance between his relationship, their relationship with God. 00:17:42.480 --> 00:17:54.799 Interesting thing about blame is it not only creates isolation, which in a world where we're struggling with an epidemic of loneliness, we might want to examine some of the root causes, this blame. 00:17:55.279 --> 00:17:57.519 Second, is it creates stagnation. 00:17:57.759 --> 00:18:00.319 We stop growing when we stop owning. 00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:17.200 When our natural reflex is it's not my fault, I don't have to own anything, and we pass it up, then what happens is we stop growing until we can deal with reality, until we can go, that was my fault, until I own it. 00:18:17.359 --> 00:18:22.160 I can never move forward, I can never change, I can never grow. 00:18:23.599 --> 00:18:36.480 In fact, studies show that uh blame culture in workplaces, it stagnates creativity and productivity and creates a suspicion-based culture. 00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:42.319 So the high cost, isolation, the high cost stagnation. 00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:50.480 Then what happens when we allow this to just kind of operate in our lives is then there's escalation. 00:18:51.440 --> 00:18:53.119 It grows, it increases. 00:18:53.599 --> 00:18:59.519 Blame doesn't just stay blame, it leads to bitterness, resentment, and hostility. 00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:04.640 Fascinating. 00:19:04.960 --> 00:19:16.240 The Gottman Institute did this longitudinal study, and they could predict with 93% accuracy which couples would get divorced. 00:19:17.680 --> 00:19:18.720 Nine out of ten. 00:19:19.119 --> 00:19:28.880 And by the way, they would do this with only observing a 15-minute interaction with the couple. 00:19:29.200 --> 00:19:33.119 They would have this thing, they had they have not have this thing called the Love Lab. 00:19:33.359 --> 00:19:37.599 I know it sounds like a cheesy um Netflix series, uh, the Love Lab. 00:19:38.000 --> 00:19:53.359 Uh, and they would have a couple in this observation, and after 15 minutes of watching them uh in conflict, they are able to predict whether that couple will get divorced or not. 00:19:55.039 --> 00:20:03.039 And the root issue goes back to what they would call the four horsemen of relationships, the four things that take you down. 00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:04.640 Criticism. 00:20:07.279 --> 00:20:09.039 Criticalness, blame. 00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:15.279 Um I'll just read them for you because I was contempt. 00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:24.160 See, blame builds into criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and then stonewall. 00:20:26.079 --> 00:20:27.759 There's this escalation. 00:20:28.640 --> 00:20:34.400 The reality is blame is corrosive to relationships. 00:20:36.319 --> 00:20:44.319 We think it saves us in this immediate, but it undermines everything we absolutely want. 00:20:44.640 --> 00:20:46.079 Because here's here it is. 00:20:46.720 --> 00:20:47.440 Think about this. 00:20:48.079 --> 00:20:49.359 We know this to be true. 00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:57.200 Blame never healed a marriage, repaired a friendship, or built a meaningful life. 00:20:57.759 --> 00:20:58.319 Right? 00:20:58.960 --> 00:21:02.720 He never walked away after that and went, oh man, my marriage is stronger. 00:21:04.319 --> 00:21:09.599 Friendship, you know, is better, more meaningful. 00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:12.240 Alright. 00:21:13.039 --> 00:21:13.759 Reflex. 00:21:14.559 --> 00:21:15.359 High cost. 00:21:16.079 --> 00:21:17.599 So what's the antidote? 00:21:18.559 --> 00:21:24.319 How do we begin to break free from this blame cycle, which is our natural reflex? 00:21:24.400 --> 00:21:26.240 Let me just give you a couple of thoughts here. 00:21:26.480 --> 00:21:29.920 The first is we have to name the narrative. 00:21:30.400 --> 00:21:31.440 Name the narrative. 00:21:31.680 --> 00:21:33.359 What story am I believing in? 00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:36.160 What story am I telling myself? 00:21:36.319 --> 00:21:37.759 Back to the coffee. 00:21:39.519 --> 00:21:41.680 What story am I telling myself? 00:21:42.640 --> 00:21:43.279 Right? 00:21:45.359 --> 00:21:59.680 I was telling myself the story that this small, cute, small microwave that my wife bought is the reason why I had. 00:22:00.480 --> 00:22:03.200 A spectacular spill. 00:22:04.720 --> 00:22:07.920 It's the mediate thought, the immediate reaction. 00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:10.480 It's where I just jumped to. 00:22:11.119 --> 00:22:12.000 It's the story. 00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:14.079 We have to name the narrative. 00:22:14.960 --> 00:22:18.240 I was not, you know what story I did not tell myself? 00:22:18.480 --> 00:22:22.240 Was wow, I overlooked that meeting and was inattentive to that. 00:22:22.400 --> 00:22:24.000 I mismanaged my time. 00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:25.759 I was in a hurry. 00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:31.359 And as a result, I was moving too quickly, not focused or uh attentive. 00:22:31.519 --> 00:22:34.960 I was being too rough with this small microwave. 00:22:35.519 --> 00:22:40.400 And because of those things, I dropped the microwave. 00:22:40.559 --> 00:22:43.440 Or not to drop, I kind of wanted to. 00:22:45.839 --> 00:22:46.799 The cup. 00:22:48.880 --> 00:22:53.359 See, friends, the first thing you have to do is you just have to pause, name the narrative. 00:22:53.519 --> 00:22:55.519 You jump to blame, he jumps to these areas. 00:22:55.680 --> 00:22:58.400 What is the story that I'm telling myself? 00:22:58.559 --> 00:22:59.839 And is it true? 00:23:01.680 --> 00:23:03.279 Is it a small microwave? 00:23:03.920 --> 00:23:05.200 Yes, that's true. 00:23:05.839 --> 00:23:08.000 Did my wife buy the microwave? 00:23:08.400 --> 00:23:10.000 That indeed is true. 00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:15.039 Did she cause me to drop my cup? 00:23:15.920 --> 00:23:17.440 That part is not true. 00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:20.960 Not anywhere close to true. 00:23:22.720 --> 00:23:24.240 You begin to name the narrative. 00:23:24.400 --> 00:23:28.000 What story am I believing and beginning to operate off of? 00:23:28.079 --> 00:23:29.279 Now here's the good news. 00:23:29.519 --> 00:23:34.720 The good news is that reflex, and I'm so grateful, this is like one of those little redemptive things. 00:23:34.799 --> 00:23:36.720 God's growing me, I'm changing. 00:23:36.799 --> 00:23:41.039 Uh after 22 years of marriage, I'm like, okay, there's growth here. 00:23:41.200 --> 00:23:45.200 Because there would be times in our marriage where I would lash out and blame. 00:23:45.359 --> 00:23:47.440 Like she's walking in, she's like, what in the world? 00:23:47.599 --> 00:23:47.680 What? 00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:48.400 Oh my goodness. 00:23:48.480 --> 00:23:52.480 And it creates this incredible fight, you know, and rightfully so. 00:23:53.039 --> 00:23:54.240 But you know what? 00:23:54.400 --> 00:23:58.640 I only thought that thought for maybe 30 seconds. 00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:00.880 30 seconds. 00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:04.000 And then I realized that's not true. 00:24:04.319 --> 00:24:05.599 Name the narrative. 00:24:05.839 --> 00:24:06.960 But then what do we have to do? 00:24:07.039 --> 00:24:08.480 We have to own our junk. 00:24:09.039 --> 00:24:11.119 We have to own our junk. 00:24:11.920 --> 00:24:16.400 I chose blank and it cost blank. 00:24:17.440 --> 00:24:20.880 I did this and it cost this. 00:24:21.039 --> 00:24:22.799 The consequences were this. 00:24:23.119 --> 00:24:24.480 I was in a rush. 00:24:27.039 --> 00:24:29.680 I um was not paying attention. 00:24:31.920 --> 00:24:36.160 I did not actually manage my time well. 00:24:36.480 --> 00:24:37.680 And you know what? 00:24:38.079 --> 00:24:39.759 I dropped the cup. 00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:43.200 That we have to own it. 00:24:44.079 --> 00:24:45.440 Now here's what's amazing. 00:24:45.599 --> 00:24:48.640 If I had responded in blame, that could have ended. 00:24:49.200 --> 00:24:52.720 You know how it ended, and maybe not well. 00:24:55.599 --> 00:24:57.200 That reframing of it. 00:24:58.079 --> 00:25:00.160 Jenny hears it, she says, What happened? 00:25:01.039 --> 00:25:05.599 And you know, my first response wasn't like your stupid microwave happened. 00:25:05.680 --> 00:25:06.640 That's what happened. 00:25:06.880 --> 00:25:09.359 Thank God that was not my first response. 00:25:11.359 --> 00:25:13.119 Jenny, I'm so sorry. 00:25:14.079 --> 00:25:15.599 I was in a rush. 00:25:16.319 --> 00:25:18.480 I'm running late. 00:25:19.759 --> 00:25:25.839 And and I wasn't paying attention, and I I I should have been, and I just dropped it, and it's a full cup. 00:25:25.920 --> 00:25:27.200 And look, oh my goodness. 00:25:27.359 --> 00:25:29.519 At the time, I didn't even know it hit the ceiling. 00:25:29.680 --> 00:25:30.640 I just was trying to wipe it. 00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:32.559 She's like, that's okay, I'll take care of it. 00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:37.039 And then she tells me it even like, I mean, isn't it? 00:25:39.440 --> 00:25:41.119 It's like artwork up there. 00:25:44.720 --> 00:25:51.599 The antidote for blame is first we gotta name the narrative, own our junk, and then confess in community. 00:25:55.119 --> 00:26:03.200 Confession, like that word, just means to agree, like when we talk about it biblically, means to agree with God. 00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:12.480 Maybe another way to say it if we want to take out uh the biblical lens, is just to agree with what's true or reality. 00:26:13.519 --> 00:26:18.400 Blame is passing what's true off to someone else. 00:26:18.799 --> 00:26:23.279 It's discharging my pain and comfort, as Brene Brown says. 00:26:23.839 --> 00:26:27.599 Confession is like, okay, I confess, like, I really agree. 00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:30.000 And we do that in community. 00:26:30.160 --> 00:26:33.680 People help us, people help us see our blind spots. 00:26:35.359 --> 00:26:39.839 James would say, confess your sins one to another, that you might be healed. 00:26:40.160 --> 00:26:46.880 John would say it if we confessed our sins, he's faithful and just and will forgive us and purify us from all unrighteousness. 00:26:47.200 --> 00:26:57.279 Like it's the powerful practice that we've lost in the church, but it's not as scary as I think we like have built up in our minds. 00:26:57.519 --> 00:27:05.279 Like somehow the picture of confession is I'm gonna sit down at some solemn moment and I'm gonna like bear my all of my soul to you. 00:27:05.759 --> 00:27:17.359 Well, one, there are some things that you probably need to share to a counselor or to a really close friend that you shouldn't share with other people, but then there's just some things that like this is just life and that we talk about. 00:27:17.519 --> 00:27:21.359 Yeah, for example, I notice something in me. 00:27:21.519 --> 00:27:22.480 And so here's the deal. 00:27:22.559 --> 00:27:26.160 I'll uh if I can confess up here, can we confess in community? 00:27:27.119 --> 00:27:28.559 This means yes. 00:27:30.799 --> 00:27:32.480 I noticed this in me. 00:27:32.720 --> 00:27:38.079 Um a few weeks ago, there was a delivery person who came by, um, interrupted. 00:27:38.160 --> 00:27:40.880 I was in the middle of stuff, um, frustrated. 00:27:40.960 --> 00:27:46.799 I'm like, God, you know, there's a ring, you don't do the ring, you don't walk, anyways. 00:27:46.960 --> 00:27:54.720 I came out, I I responded short, I should responded annoyed, and and I probably responded unkind. 00:27:54.960 --> 00:28:04.000 My guess is that person walked away, uh, definitely not feeling like, oh, he's a nice human, uh, but maybe just like, oh, that guy's a jerk. 00:28:04.799 --> 00:28:11.759 And I walked away from that uh instance and immediately I like had this like spirit conviction, like that wasn't right. 00:28:11.839 --> 00:28:13.039 But then I'm like, you know what? 00:28:13.119 --> 00:28:14.319 I'm stressed. 00:28:14.640 --> 00:28:20.880 I've been sick for like five weeks, um, you know, got a lot of things going on, and and they should have. 00:28:20.960 --> 00:28:26.319 What I because we blame all our circumstances on all these other things all the time. 00:28:28.799 --> 00:28:34.400 And then about two weeks later, um, there was a door-to-door salesman. 00:28:38.799 --> 00:28:39.440 Ignore it. 00:28:40.079 --> 00:28:40.799 Doorbell. 00:28:41.359 --> 00:28:42.160 Ignore it. 00:28:42.799 --> 00:28:44.240 Dogs going crazy. 00:28:44.559 --> 00:28:45.519 Can't ignore it. 00:28:46.640 --> 00:28:53.039 I go out, and the guy's like, oh, hey, I'm you know, trying to sell me high band whatever internet. 00:28:53.279 --> 00:28:56.240 And I'm like, I'm in the middle of some not a good time. 00:28:56.480 --> 00:29:02.559 I'm like, again, short, annoyed, unkind. 00:29:03.279 --> 00:29:07.039 Like I would be just ashamed if they found out I was a pastor, right? 00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:11.279 They're like, that's not, that's not, you're not. 00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:19.440 Uh this last week I was with uh a guy in our church. 00:29:19.599 --> 00:29:24.799 We were having coffee, and uh, one of the questions I love to ask is just, hey, what are you learning? 00:29:24.880 --> 00:29:25.920 What is God's teaching you? 00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:28.400 And he is answering, and then he flipped it on me. 00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:32.640 Uh, and I was like, Oh, I should have thought of an answer before I asked the question. 00:29:32.880 --> 00:29:39.759 Um, and then you know what came immediately into my mind were those two guys. 00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:42.480 What is God teaching me? 00:29:45.039 --> 00:29:53.359 Gosh, there's something in me that responds to people, at least to people, in a way that's just not kind. 00:29:55.279 --> 00:30:00.079 Jesus would say that, like, out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. 00:30:00.160 --> 00:30:01.920 So actually, this is more of a heart thing. 00:30:02.000 --> 00:30:14.880 There's something going on in my heart that I would allow and speak to someone and respond in a way, and I can I can justify it in so many different ways that are like, you know, I was busy, I'm stressed, I'm sick. 00:30:15.039 --> 00:30:22.400 Does that give me an ability or like it's okay to respond short and kind uh to a person? 00:30:23.119 --> 00:30:24.640 The answer is no, thank you. 00:30:24.799 --> 00:30:26.319 At least one of us, right? 00:30:26.640 --> 00:30:30.880 Just because you're hangry, does it give you a right to treat someone poorly? 00:30:31.279 --> 00:30:34.160 No, it doesn't. 00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:53.039 And so in that moment, I wasn't planning on it, wasn't thinking about it, but I just told them, like, here's what God's teaching me, and all of a sudden, communicating that out loud in community began some of that healing, some of that awareness, some of the story that I'm telling myself, some of the junk that I'm owning. 00:30:53.119 --> 00:30:56.000 Now I'm telling it to all of you people. 00:31:00.559 --> 00:31:02.079 It's so corrosive. 00:31:04.880 --> 00:31:08.400 To you, to your relationships. 00:31:09.440 --> 00:31:13.279 So I want to close just simply with this. 00:31:13.599 --> 00:31:14.799 It's an ancient practice. 00:31:14.880 --> 00:31:16.480 It's called the prayer of examine. 00:31:17.519 --> 00:31:20.240 This is a practice that you can do daily. 00:31:20.720 --> 00:31:26.240 You can do daily on your drive home, on your commute home, you just driving. 00:31:26.559 --> 00:31:30.480 You could do it before you go to sleep. 00:31:30.640 --> 00:31:40.079 Um and it's just a practice that helps us uh in prayer begin to allow the Spirit of God to reveal those things in us. 00:31:41.440 --> 00:31:46.559 Where we begin to develop a sensitivity to the Spirit of God where his prompt is like, oh, that wasn't good. 00:31:47.279 --> 00:31:50.480 Oh, that attitude, oh, that response, oh that. 00:31:50.960 --> 00:31:56.079 We begin to allow him to build that in us, and then we respond to him in it. 00:31:56.400 --> 00:32:02.880 And so I just want to invite you, if you just relax and sit back and take a moment. 00:32:05.519 --> 00:32:08.799 If you want, you can take a deep breath, you can close your eyes. 00:32:09.920 --> 00:32:16.559 In the prayer of examine, the first step is just replay the day, and our day is relatively short, you can replay the weekend. 00:32:17.359 --> 00:32:19.200 Invite the Holy Spirit to guide you. 00:32:19.359 --> 00:32:27.119 Holy Spirit, would you would you guide me as I invite you into yesterday? 00:32:28.559 --> 00:32:30.160 Invite you into this weekend. 00:32:38.880 --> 00:32:48.799 And in the process of replaying the day, you see those moments that you're grateful for and you rejoice. 00:32:48.880 --> 00:32:51.440 You thank God for obvious and even mundane. 00:32:51.519 --> 00:32:53.440 Like, God, you gave me a new day. 00:32:54.640 --> 00:32:56.240 There's breath in my lungs. 00:32:56.640 --> 00:32:58.559 I have a roof over my head. 00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:05.200 Just begin to thank God for all the things that He's worked in your day. 00:33:09.680 --> 00:33:20.240 And then there's this movement then to repent, to confess attitudes, responses, actions. 00:33:28.160 --> 00:33:29.279 Take a moment. 00:33:29.759 --> 00:33:32.720 The Spirit of God is bringing a conversation. 00:33:34.559 --> 00:33:40.319 Slack thread, an email, just a heart response. 00:33:40.480 --> 00:33:44.720 Maybe nobody even knows the blame or the bitterness you've been hiding that. 00:33:45.680 --> 00:33:46.720 But it's there. 00:33:48.160 --> 00:33:50.000 And you just begin to confess it. 00:33:56.319 --> 00:34:00.799 Gotta give you that attitude of I'm sorry for the way I responded. 00:34:03.839 --> 00:34:08.480 And then the final step of this examin, this prayer of examining is to renew. 00:34:08.719 --> 00:34:15.199 We replay, we rejoice, we repent, and we renew. 00:34:15.519 --> 00:34:19.440 Look towards tomorrow, deciding to live that day for Jesus. 00:34:20.159 --> 00:34:22.239 Look towards this afternoon. 00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:25.199 Inviting him into all that you do. 00:34:30.400 --> 00:34:35.360 It might mean making some repair with some people as well. 00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:40.480 If the Spirit brings that up, I'd encourage you to do that. 00:34:41.360 --> 00:34:47.920 Might be a phone call, might be a text, it might just be a time to meet with them. 00:34:50.960 --> 00:34:54.800 God, we just confess that our natural reflex is to blame. 00:34:55.360 --> 00:34:56.559 Pass the buck. 00:34:58.559 --> 00:35:04.079 And we realize now that it's costing us more than we could ever dare realize. 00:35:04.639 --> 00:35:07.039 Holy Spirit, would you come? 00:35:08.079 --> 00:35:19.679 Would you work in our hearts, in our lives, that we would be a people that move from blame to grace because we live under your grace that we're fully loved, fully accepted. 00:35:20.719 --> 00:35:22.239 Daughters and sons. 00:35:22.480 --> 00:35:24.000 In Jesus' name. 00:35:24.800 --> 00:35:25.440 Amen. 00:35:29.119 --> 00:35:31.440 We hope you are blessed by this message. 00:35:31.599 --> 00:35:36.000 Please subscribe to our podcast for access to every episode as they're uploaded. 00:35:36.159 --> 00:35:38.320 And hey, we'd love to connect with you. 00:35:38.480 --> 00:35:44.400 Take a next step by filling out our virtual connection card at awakeningchurch.com slash card.