WEBVTT 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:01.040 Let me pray for us. 00:00:01.120 --> 00:00:02.319 God, thank you for grace and mercy. 00:00:02.399 --> 00:00:03.200 Thank you love us. 00:00:03.279 --> 00:00:05.679 And you love our kids and you love our grandkids. 00:00:05.839 --> 00:00:07.519 And you know all about them. 00:00:07.679 --> 00:00:11.279 You know a lot more about them than we will ever know about them. 00:00:11.359 --> 00:00:12.880 And that's our starting point. 00:00:13.039 --> 00:00:16.000 Help us to steward parenting well. 00:00:16.239 --> 00:00:21.679 Help us to be participants in this while you are the ultimate authority and author of their story. 00:00:22.000 --> 00:00:35.119 Help us tonight to have open hearts to listen and learn something that would be so good for our parenting, good for our heart as parents or as grandparents, or just as somebody who loves a kid and a student. 00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:42.079 And that would ultimately then come through to our child or our student. 00:00:42.560 --> 00:00:43.840 Pray this in Jesus' name. 00:00:44.079 --> 00:00:44.719 Amen. 00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:51.759 So we're going to start to do these parent workshops twice a year, I think is our hope. 00:00:52.399 --> 00:00:53.840 And so this is our first one. 00:00:53.920 --> 00:00:59.840 And so we figure we're going to start with all the people in our church that already know stuff. 00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:07.680 And so RJ and Nicole Thaxton, they are both licensed therapists in our church. 00:01:07.760 --> 00:01:12.000 And then they work with Jonathan Smith, who's also a therapist. 00:01:12.159 --> 00:01:20.640 And so I'm going to let each of them introduce themselves and then we'll get into some of these different questions that are going to guide our way. 00:01:20.799 --> 00:01:21.120 Okay. 00:01:22.400 --> 00:01:24.239 Well, first, just thanks for having us. 00:01:24.400 --> 00:01:28.159 We enjoy getting to be able to do things like this and helping the community that we serve. 00:01:28.319 --> 00:01:31.040 And so I'm RJ Thaxton. 00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:35.120 I'm a co-founder of Atlanta Wellness Collective with my wife Nicole here. 00:01:35.280 --> 00:01:38.560 And it's a holistically minded wellness center. 00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:46.480 So we have like a group of counselors, but we also have a massage therapist, we have a dietitian, and then we also have a chiropractor. 00:01:46.719 --> 00:01:58.719 And we've we've kind of the reason we did that is we excuse me, we we wanted to create an environment where it wasn't just mental health oriented because we realized there's so much more to every person than just that. 00:01:58.799 --> 00:02:07.280 And so we decided to create a practice that integrated everybody together, and so we do a lot of collaboration amongst all of us. 00:02:07.439 --> 00:02:14.319 I primarily work with men's issues, um couples, and then I also work with some teens and adolescents as well. 00:02:17.039 --> 00:02:25.680 Oh, I went to school at my undergraduate was at Barrie College, but I went to Richmond Graduate University to get my master's degree in clinical mental health counseling. 00:02:27.360 --> 00:02:29.039 I'm Nicole, Dr. 00:02:29.199 --> 00:02:33.120 Nicole Thaxton, um wife to RJ. 00:02:33.520 --> 00:02:36.800 This is weird, like this is really weird for us to be up here. 00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:44.240 Um, because RJ and I, you know, attend church here, but we are used to being in like a room with like one person. 00:02:44.719 --> 00:02:46.639 Like this is super awkward. 00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:49.759 Um, but we're thankful that you asked us to be here. 00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:54.000 And so yeah, we co-found Atlanta Wellness Collective. 00:02:54.080 --> 00:02:55.520 We're like right up 41. 00:02:55.599 --> 00:02:58.560 Um, but I got my undergrad at UGA, Go Dogs. 00:02:58.879 --> 00:03:06.319 Um, and then I went on to Richmond Graduate University for my master's in counseling, met RJ there, um, which is cool. 00:03:06.560 --> 00:03:10.240 Uh and then I got my PhD at Mercer University in Atlanta. 00:03:10.400 --> 00:03:13.680 So my PhD is in counselor education and supervision. 00:03:13.919 --> 00:03:17.199 So I mostly work with kids, teens, families. 00:03:17.439 --> 00:03:21.439 I've been doing that in private practice in the area for six years. 00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:33.039 Um, and then I do a lot of uh work with high achievers, anxiety, a lot of grief work, um, and I supervise a lot of counselors as well at our office. 00:03:33.199 --> 00:03:36.080 Um that's a little bit about what I do. 00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:36.960 Yeah. 00:03:37.520 --> 00:03:38.080 Cool. 00:03:38.400 --> 00:03:40.000 My name is Jonathan Smith. 00:03:40.080 --> 00:03:43.919 I work with RJ and Nicole at Helena Wellness Collective. 00:03:44.240 --> 00:03:54.159 I got my undergrad degree from Biola University, which is in Los Angeles, and went to a Dallas Seminary in Dallas, Texas, got my master's in biblical counseling there. 00:03:54.400 --> 00:04:03.599 Um, been here in Atlanta for about like four years now, and worked in a uh psych hospital for about three years of that. 00:04:03.759 --> 00:04:06.800 So I've kind of done every level of care there is. 00:04:06.879 --> 00:04:15.039 I've worked inpatient, worked did some residential and outpatient, and now I've been with Arjana Cole since last September doing private practice. 00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:19.600 I've also worked a lot in the church doing youth ministry. 00:04:19.759 --> 00:04:29.360 Um done youth ministry for probably 10 plus years, and so really grateful to be here with you guys and excited to have a good talk. 00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:30.399 Okay, great. 00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:34.000 So we're gonna divide tonight up into two sections. 00:04:34.240 --> 00:04:44.800 We have a handful of questions that uh our student pastor and uh these three came up with together to kind of structure for about 40 minutes. 00:04:44.959 --> 00:04:46.319 So there's six of those questions. 00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:49.680 A lot of these questions overlap, so some of those will overlap a little bit. 00:04:49.759 --> 00:04:54.319 And then we're gonna have a little stretch break, just like stand up, stretch, turn around, sit back down. 00:04:54.480 --> 00:05:01.519 If you need to use the restroom, you just kind of sneak yourself out at any point, but you could definitely sneak out of that little stretch break if you need to. 00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:04.560 And then we're gonna go into the last section. 00:05:04.639 --> 00:05:22.000 We will go into we we had six really great questions come in through you guys, or maybe even a parent who didn't come tonight, but sent in a question, and we're gonna work our way through those, and then we'll hopefully save 15 minutes or so at the end for any questions you have or follow-ups or something like that. 00:05:22.079 --> 00:05:24.800 And so if you you can jot that down as we go. 00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:37.439 Um, the first question uh that we have that you guys generated with Sam was what have you seen to be some of the major causes of anxiety and depression in children and students? 00:05:40.319 --> 00:05:47.040 Well, one thing I wanted to ask super quick, are I want to kind of see if you like the age of kiddos, maybe? 00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:52.879 So if you have like maybe younger kiddos or elementary, could you just like raise your hand a little? 00:05:53.279 --> 00:05:53.839 Okay, cool. 00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:55.279 And then middle school. 00:05:56.000 --> 00:05:57.360 Yes, middle schoolers. 00:05:57.759 --> 00:06:00.319 And then high school, awesome. 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:03.519 And then like college age or older, yeah. 00:06:04.560 --> 00:06:04.959 Cool. 00:06:05.120 --> 00:06:06.079 Yeah, go dogs. 00:06:06.319 --> 00:06:08.160 Yeah, your daughter goes to Georgia. 00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:08.959 Cool. 00:06:09.199 --> 00:06:18.480 Okay, so with anxiety and depression, so something that we see a lot of um, and that's super helpful because we want to make sure that we're kind of answering based on like, I guess, all the ages. 00:06:18.879 --> 00:06:40.160 Um, but I think one of our big points that we want to kind of take home tonight is just being applicable to what we see in our office, kind of what we work with, what we see, because we see so many kids and students and parents all the time that it can be kind of like themes that start to come up. 00:06:40.319 --> 00:06:47.920 And so, as you can imagine, like during COVID, that's been a really, really big factor for like the work that we're doing. 00:06:48.079 --> 00:07:12.079 Not only are we seeing like so many more kids and teens, and like with school being halted basically for a few years and like all the uncertainty with that, I've definitely seen a big increase in like anxiety and depression and and also grief of just like these kiddos that are missing out on certain opportunities that we maybe wouldn't have had to deal with a few years ago. 00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:23.439 Um I think that we're gonna talk about like social media and how that contributes to anxiety and like setting boundaries around that, um, but also relationships. 00:07:23.600 --> 00:07:31.279 So, friend relationships, family relationships, um, and things like that I see contributing a lot to anxiety and depression. 00:07:33.600 --> 00:07:36.959 Yeah, I mean, so I I guess I didn't say this, I'm gonna get in trouble if I don't. 00:07:37.120 --> 00:07:44.480 So I I I work with a lot of mood disorders like anxiety and depression, work with teens, and kind of life transitions. 00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:47.120 So, one of the things I love working with is identity. 00:07:47.279 --> 00:07:57.680 And personally, my kind of theory and belief of a lot of mood disorders like anxiety, depression, is also having difficulty finding confidence in who I am as a person. 00:07:57.839 --> 00:08:00.319 And like, what am I doing in this life? 00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:01.680 Like, why am I here? 00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:04.399 And I think those questions, like what's my purpose? 00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:08.800 And we kind of just go through, especially students, like their whole goal is to graduate. 00:08:08.959 --> 00:08:11.839 It's like I'm just gonna push, push, push, push, push, push, push. 00:08:12.079 --> 00:08:13.360 Now I'm out of high school. 00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:14.480 Okay, now what? 00:08:14.639 --> 00:08:15.439 I'm in college. 00:08:15.519 --> 00:08:19.519 Uh I'm just gonna push, push, push, push, push, push, and now I'm in the workforce. 00:08:19.600 --> 00:08:30.480 And then it's just pushing and just kind of doing the next thing and not really being in it and feeling like they're fulfilling their purpose or really even knowing who they are to do that. 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:48.480 So that's something personally I love and incorporate with a lot of my clients, and I see, and I think the other thing, and Nicole was hitting on this, was also just stress that kind of comes with the pushing in COVID, but also just like a mismanagement of stress and a unhealthy coping with stress. 00:08:48.639 --> 00:08:56.799 So, learning, even something we do a lot, is just even education on like healthy coping skills as opposed to escapes and stuff of that nature. 00:08:58.159 --> 00:09:04.320 Yeah, and I I guess just to add to that, like the world changed a lot the past two years. 00:09:04.559 --> 00:09:09.279 And so I think uh there's just a lot of natural stress because we don't know how to deal with that, like, right? 00:09:09.360 --> 00:09:12.240 Who who's ever gone through something that we've been through recently? 00:09:12.399 --> 00:09:19.279 So uh as hard as it is on us for our teens and for our kids, like all the more hard for them. 00:09:19.440 --> 00:09:21.279 They don't know how to navigate this stuff. 00:09:21.440 --> 00:09:23.360 Um, everything has changed. 00:09:25.120 --> 00:09:26.080 Those are great noises. 00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:30.399 Like, we are all for we're all for the noise at this point. 00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:31.679 Okay, I didn't even hear it. 00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:32.720 Okay, true. 00:09:33.279 --> 00:09:37.519 Um, how can parents best help their children who struggle with anxiety and depression? 00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:39.279 How do parents help? 00:09:42.559 --> 00:09:47.840 Um well, so we went over these questions and we've kind of talked um about the background of it. 00:09:48.000 --> 00:09:59.039 And uh I since I primarily work with adults, what I what I see is um teens who maybe weren't attended to turn into adults who need help as well. 00:09:59.200 --> 00:10:10.799 And so um I guess I guess I would say like my main theme is geared towards parents and trying to really listen to their kids and be curious for their kids. 00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:29.759 Um the stress, the anxiety, the depression, um, those things are typically going to be symptomatic of like how they feel within relationship, and if they're struggling to have good relationships with their families, um their families of origin, then it's always easier to I guess deal with them alone and feel like they don't know how to deal with them. 00:10:29.840 --> 00:10:51.120 And since we're dealing with like parent relationships, because you guys are all here for parenting, um, trying to understand that like how we communicate to our kids, how we listen to our kids, how we're curious about our kids without judgment can really impact um how they end up feeling and how they end up dealing with their anxiety that they do have or the depression that they do have or whatever they're dealing with. 00:10:51.600 --> 00:11:01.120 Yeah, a lot of the time, like when uh when a family comes and they they call our office or they come into my office, you know, we we first require an initial parent appointment. 00:11:01.440 --> 00:11:08.240 So something I just kind of learned along the way is like, hey, I want to meet mom and dad, I want to make sure this is gonna be a good fit. 00:11:08.559 --> 00:11:13.759 And so we sit down for those parent appointments, and you know, maybe it's anxiety or maybe it's depression or whatever. 00:11:13.840 --> 00:11:24.000 And like I said, I I work with a lot of high achieving teens, and so you know, your IB, your magnet, your AP, like I feel like this area, you guys know you're you're in the area too. 00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:26.320 It's such an intense like pressure environment. 00:11:26.480 --> 00:11:29.759 Like East Cobb, Marietta, we're we live in West Cobb. 00:11:30.080 --> 00:11:33.120 Um, it's just a lot of pressure. 00:11:33.679 --> 00:11:40.159 And so a lot of the time, you know, I'll meet with parents and then we we do the whole the whole parent appointment thing. 00:11:40.320 --> 00:11:45.039 Um and then I'll meet with the teen or the kid or whoever, you know, whoever is meeting with. 00:11:45.279 --> 00:11:54.879 And a lot of the time it's like, you know, like, and this is not to say anything about the parents, like the families I meet with are amazing families. 00:11:55.039 --> 00:12:01.600 Um, I love all of them, but it's like I don't really have any anywhere to like just talk about this, you know. 00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:04.559 Like, I'm not allowed to talk about my anxiety at school. 00:12:04.639 --> 00:12:07.919 I'm just having to, like Jonathan was saying, like, push, push, push, push, push. 00:12:08.080 --> 00:12:09.120 There's really no break. 00:12:09.279 --> 00:12:15.919 Like, I don't feel safe to talk to my coach about it because like they're gonna pull me off the team if they know I'm like crying every night. 00:12:16.240 --> 00:12:25.279 Um, and then mom and dad, like maybe even the best well-attuned parent, like RJ and I um have a daughter, my stepdaughter. 00:12:25.519 --> 00:12:28.399 She's uh gonna be 14 in March. 00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:34.480 And she, you know, we're both counselors, and she does not want to talk to us about her feelings. 00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:35.600 Like, she won't. 00:12:35.679 --> 00:12:36.399 She won't do it. 00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:40.080 She's like, You're being a counselor right now, please stop. 00:12:40.879 --> 00:12:44.559 Um and like we're trained in this, like, we do this all the time. 00:12:44.879 --> 00:12:47.679 So, like, even she doesn't want to talk to us. 00:12:47.759 --> 00:12:51.440 So, I don't want you guys to feel bad if your kids don't want to talk to you. 00:12:51.600 --> 00:12:53.679 You know, your kids are like, I need to talk to professionals. 00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:56.159 She's like, We're like two professionals. 00:12:56.399 --> 00:12:57.440 She's like, no. 00:12:58.080 --> 00:13:10.159 Um, so anyway, my point is like when when kids, when teens, when they come in, it's like the cool thing about the therapy relationship is they just have that space to purely like, we're not there to judge, like we're not there to teach. 00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:14.799 We don't have to like parent them, you know, but we just get to hear them and like listen to them. 00:13:14.960 --> 00:13:17.519 And it can be such a healing thing. 00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:23.120 And if you've been to a therapist, you hopefully have experienced that, not a bad experience. 00:13:23.519 --> 00:13:36.639 Um, but to answer your question, like I think what parents can do is what RJ is saying is like being curious with your kid, like sometimes turning off that like parent mode or like the teaching mode or that need to like jump in. 00:13:36.879 --> 00:13:38.639 I call it like the teachable moment. 00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:44.000 Like everything has to be like a teachable moment, you know, or let's Google anxiety together. 00:13:44.159 --> 00:13:54.480 It's like, no, like just being there for your kid and being curious about their feelings and asking them questions without judgment is like one of the best things you can do. 00:13:54.559 --> 00:14:03.919 And then obvious, obviously, if it's like getting really, really escalated, maybe pulling in a therapist or like pulling in somebody else or talking to the coach or whatever. 00:14:04.080 --> 00:14:07.200 Um, but I think just that curiosity is so important. 00:14:08.720 --> 00:14:11.759 Yeah, I would add, even to that, I think the curiosity is there. 00:14:11.840 --> 00:14:22.320 I also feel like one of the best things we can do when we're in in helping the people, the students that were in our lives, it's also modeling that for them. 00:14:22.480 --> 00:14:27.279 And so if we're struggling with, I mean, this week has been just so hard. 00:14:27.440 --> 00:14:38.639 And you know, obviously there's a boundary around how much we share with our children, but it's this modeling of like, man, I've just been really anxious about this project I've got at work, and I'm kind of stressed about it. 00:14:38.720 --> 00:14:41.679 And I got but I still have to make sure I'm caring for myself within that. 00:14:41.759 --> 00:14:48.000 And so as parents, it's really making sure we're caring for ourselves so we can then show up the best for our kids. 00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:51.840 If we're caring for ourselves, we're able to give all of ourselves to our children. 00:14:52.080 --> 00:15:03.279 And I think that's something we oftentimes forget, and something I'm probably gonna come back to a lot tonight, is we're so focused on them, and it's not that they're not important, but we have to make sure we're at a place where we can be there for them. 00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:06.240 And that's really important and sometimes forgotten. 00:15:06.399 --> 00:15:23.200 Uh so I think modeling that and showing when we're curious about it, even modeling that we can be open and it's kind of destigmatizing that pressure that is not ensued by parents or family, but really just our culture and our world, especially in the Cobb County community. 00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:29.679 It's high pressure, high stress, high achieving, and difficulty with vulnerability. 00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:34.240 If we can be a little bit vulnerable with them, it creates a space for them to be vulnerable with us. 00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:41.039 How does self-esteem relate to anxiety and depression? 00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:45.600 They both look at me. 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:53.279 Uh I think self-esteem is, I mean, I kind of a little bit intro to it, I feel like I answered it minimally when I was introducing myself. 00:15:53.440 --> 00:16:16.639 Secondly, is I think when we start to feel depressed and low and questioning of what's going on and who, again, I would argue who I am and what I'm doing in this world, we start to begin to self-critique inwardly and blame ourselves, and that lowers that self-esteem. 00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:30.480 And so I think when we're already low and our brains and our chemical imbalances are there, and lack of motivation, lack of focus, those different things impede us in our functioning. 00:16:30.720 --> 00:16:36.080 And when we're seeing a decrease in functioning, it starts to turn inward and blame ourselves. 00:16:36.240 --> 00:16:38.799 And so that starts to lower and affect our self-esteem. 00:16:39.120 --> 00:16:46.559 Yeah, I would say it's probably like a like a double-edged sword, because if our self-esteem is low, like for me, self-esteem is like confidence. 00:16:46.639 --> 00:16:48.320 It's like how I feel about myself. 00:16:48.480 --> 00:17:01.039 And it's actually something that we talk about a lot, I feel like in therapy with especially teens, because that's such a big thing, is like confidence and identity, like virtually identity is just who am I? 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:04.880 You know, they're all like, I mean, I'm still figuring out who I am. 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:08.640 Um, but like, especially for teenagers, they're like, who am I? 00:17:08.720 --> 00:17:09.599 Like kind of figuring it out. 00:17:09.680 --> 00:17:13.119 And I think we're gonna get more into this later with some of the other questions. 00:17:13.440 --> 00:17:24.799 Um, but if our self-esteem is low, if we kind of have low confidence in general, then it's also gonna increase our anxiety and our depression, like our depressed feelings that we have or our anxious feelings that we have. 00:17:25.039 --> 00:17:37.519 Um, and so a lot of the time, like I I think that's why I I know I'm you're probably gonna be getting like so many little therapy plugs tonight, and I apologize for that, but that's like our whole life is like therapy. 00:17:37.839 --> 00:17:55.759 Um but in therapy, it's like that's where we're piecing out like kind of where is if there's like a self-esteem issue or a confidence issue or an anxiety, where like it really is like mind mapping through like what is kind of creating this or contributing, and it could have it could be like so many different things. 00:17:55.920 --> 00:18:04.559 So and typically they also then start to you start to see like it, oh come on, brain work, like start to impact each other. 00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:16.480 And so if my self-esteem is lower, that's gonna depress my mood, which is gonna make my self-esteem lower, and they work off of each other to continue to bring us farther and farther or spool us up and up with our anxiety. 00:18:16.640 --> 00:18:25.200 And I think they like Nicole used the word double-edged sword, I think it's also they work against each other and continue to ramp it up or ramp it down. 00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:31.039 I want to say to you, real quick, because there's like levels, like everything that we're talking about, there's so many levels, right? 00:18:31.200 --> 00:18:44.400 So Jonathan mentioned that he's worked in an impatient setting before, and obviously that's um working with kids or working with adults, um, where this is really significantly impacting functioning. 00:18:44.480 --> 00:18:46.559 It's impacting ability to go to school. 00:18:46.720 --> 00:18:52.000 I mean, like so many things, even to the point of like self-harming, like suicidal thoughts. 00:18:52.160 --> 00:19:05.200 Um, but then you have like the high-end, which is kind of the world of like high-functioning anxiety, we call it, where it is these like I B magnet kids that like meet every single criteria for anxiety. 00:19:05.359 --> 00:19:11.839 Like we're speaking diagnostically, but they're still like the homecoming queen, you know what I mean? 00:19:11.920 --> 00:19:12.799 Like, I've seen it. 00:19:13.119 --> 00:19:39.359 So you have like such these varying levels, and I think um sometimes it's hard to tell maybe what might be contributing to it, but it can still be there, and I think that that's what we're saying when it's like kind of validating and being curious about those feelings, because I think sometimes the trickiest stuff is when it is, I'm just gonna keep using that example, but it is like your homecoming queen or your valedictorian student. 00:19:39.519 --> 00:19:48.559 Um, like I'm sure you saw Miss USA, I think she committed suicide like last week, um, former Miss USA. 00:19:49.200 --> 00:19:56.640 And it kind of puts the mental health scene out into the news cycle a little bit, but it's like it can impact anybody. 00:19:56.720 --> 00:19:59.519 So just being curious about it is what's so important. 00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:02.319 What is what does that look like? 00:20:02.480 --> 00:20:18.960 So, like for a parent, your child has anxiety or depression, and maybe you're not ready to go to the therapist, or maybe you are going to therapist as well, but what does that look like in the home for curiosity for the parent to engage, ask questions? 00:20:19.039 --> 00:20:20.880 Like really practically what does that look like? 00:20:21.279 --> 00:20:23.519 Do you mean like symptoms, or do you mean like what does it look like? 00:20:23.839 --> 00:20:24.799 No, like what would be parent? 00:20:24.960 --> 00:20:37.440 How would the parent be engaging in that sort of like principle of hey, be curious about your child, be curious about this feeling, be curious about their their anxiety without being judgmental, what is that, what does that practically look like? 00:20:37.680 --> 00:20:39.759 Like what kind of questions is that? 00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:42.880 Well, uh we can talk about the questions part. 00:20:43.039 --> 00:20:59.920 I I think the biggest thing is like the theme for tonight is be curious because the I it is though, I mean, um with people who are with teens, even with adults, like when we're struggling with anxiety and depression, like people kind of tying into the self-confidence thing, you think something's wrong with you, right? 00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:03.440 Like I would imagine a lot of the teens that have depression, they're like, Oh, what's wrong with me? 00:21:03.519 --> 00:21:04.880 Why do I feel this way? 00:21:05.039 --> 00:21:06.880 Um, same with anxiety. 00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:17.200 And so um a practical application of that to me, kind of in my mindset of being curious is not not trying to be necessarily like fixers. 00:21:17.519 --> 00:21:28.799 So when when you have a child or a teen that says, you know, um, you know, I'm just I'm really sad, I don't want to go to my school practice or you know, like basketball practice or whatever like that. 00:21:28.880 --> 00:21:31.839 I don't want to go, I don't have any energy, I just I don't want to do it. 00:21:32.160 --> 00:21:38.079 Um not shaming them about it, um, and not saying, well, you know, you should be why are why are you sad? 00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:39.279 You should be happy, you know. 00:21:39.359 --> 00:21:43.119 We have this awesome house, we go to this great school, you have all of these things. 00:21:43.200 --> 00:21:45.119 Like, why are you why are you sad? 00:21:45.359 --> 00:21:49.759 Um instead kind of flip that and and ask more questions based around those. 00:21:49.920 --> 00:21:53.119 Like, what what was that like to feel sad? 00:21:53.279 --> 00:21:54.559 What what do you mean by that? 00:21:54.720 --> 00:21:55.200 Tell me more. 00:21:55.359 --> 00:21:59.039 Like one of the best questions you can say is uh tell me more about that. 00:21:59.119 --> 00:21:59.680 Um, you know. 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:01.759 What's that actually feel like for you? 00:22:02.559 --> 00:22:10.559 And that that's a lot of what the therapy relationship does, is we try and get them to attune to how they're actually feeling. 00:22:10.720 --> 00:22:21.440 And kind of not necessarily like normalizing, like we don't want them to stay depressed or stay anxious, but we want to normalize it to the point where it's like you're not broken and you're just in a tough season. 00:22:21.519 --> 00:22:31.440 And I think we would all agree, like, we really do believe, like, unless there's something biologically that you know needs some kind of prescription intervention, like these things happen for seasons. 00:22:31.519 --> 00:22:33.119 Um, nothing lasts forever. 00:22:33.200 --> 00:22:37.359 And so we kind of we kind of practice out of that hope and out of that knowledge. 00:22:37.519 --> 00:22:40.960 And so I want to normalize it and just be as curious as we can. 00:22:41.119 --> 00:22:46.880 That attunement like helps them understand, like, okay, it's gonna it's okay. 00:22:47.039 --> 00:22:54.799 Like I'm down right now, but it's okay, or I'm anxious right now and it's okay, instead of saying, like, well, study harder, you know, pray more. 00:22:54.960 --> 00:22:57.440 Like, if you just prayed more, you'll probably be okay. 00:22:57.519 --> 00:23:02.720 And it's like, yeah, I mean that's a good thing to do, but that's not the end all of it. 00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:08.240 Um, especially when we're trying to teach our kids how to be emotionally healthy adults, right? 00:23:08.319 --> 00:23:10.559 Like, God, that would be good. 00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:13.039 So, can we jump to social media? 00:23:13.119 --> 00:23:14.480 Yeah, or did you want to add anything on that? 00:23:16.079 --> 00:23:26.000 I'm going to add just one really quick thing, and I think as we're talking, especially in social media, I know we're on our time, we have a lot of other questions we want to get to, but a lot of what we're talking about too is with anxiety and depression. 00:23:26.319 --> 00:23:28.079 Depressed is a feeling. 00:23:28.160 --> 00:23:29.440 Like I feel depressed, right? 00:23:29.519 --> 00:23:30.480 That is an emotion. 00:23:30.640 --> 00:23:38.079 And there's a big difference between having the emotion of feeling depressed and having major depressive disorder, recurrence, severe, or something like that. 00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:39.680 Or I can feel anxious. 00:23:39.839 --> 00:23:44.640 I have an anxiety feeling today, which is going to be different than an anxiety disorder. 00:23:44.880 --> 00:23:50.799 And so we all in this room, I mean, if we really were honest with ourselves, have felt anxious at some point in time because we're humans. 00:23:50.960 --> 00:23:54.400 We've also probably all felt depressed at times because we're also humans. 00:23:54.559 --> 00:23:58.480 And so those are also just normal feelings that we as humans feel. 00:23:59.200 --> 00:23:59.440 Yeah. 00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:12.559 Okay, so to social media, um, I think we would all we all know at this point that social media is is very harmful to children and to students, um to adults, to me. 00:24:13.279 --> 00:24:24.000 Um so how do we um well, first off, what are some things that you see in the counseling profession as as a result of social media? 00:24:24.160 --> 00:24:28.880 Like what is social media producing when you see children students show up in your office? 00:24:29.039 --> 00:24:35.839 Number one, and number two, then how do we as parents talk to our children about social media in a way that's actually helpful? 00:24:36.160 --> 00:24:36.400 Yeah. 00:24:36.720 --> 00:24:49.279 So I was gonna point out with kind of what RJ was saying, um, a lot I don't know if maybe your teenager is doing this, but uh it's called TikTok diagnosis, if you've heard of it. 00:24:49.519 --> 00:24:50.720 I made that up. 00:24:50.880 --> 00:24:59.359 Um, but it's where teenagers and adults alike see things on TikTok like ADHD or depression or anxiety, and they're like, oh, I have that. 00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:00.319 Anyone? 00:25:00.400 --> 00:25:01.599 Is that like just me? 00:25:02.400 --> 00:25:07.039 TikTok has diagnosed me with ADHD, it's diagnosed me with everything. 00:25:07.440 --> 00:25:09.839 Um, so that's a big one that I'm seeing. 00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:20.160 And I um I do a lot of work with uh and a lot of kind of like educating and presenting on like counseling teens and like stuff like that. 00:25:20.240 --> 00:25:28.079 And that's always one that I feel like I get asked is like, what do you do with all these teens that are like self-diagnosis, basically? 00:25:28.240 --> 00:25:33.759 Um, so everybody's like, I need I need a therapist, like I have depression, I have anxiety. 00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:36.880 Um, and that's a huge one that I'm seeing from social media. 00:25:36.960 --> 00:25:48.079 Is one, I think there's just so much more information out there, which can be a great thing, but can also be like yay for normalizing and yay for like destigmatizing mental health and therapy. 00:25:48.319 --> 00:25:57.279 Um but it can also be a little bit like every high school student now thinks they have something that's like diagnosable and needs medication. 00:25:57.839 --> 00:26:11.519 Um and so sometimes it is our role to normalize that, but then also explain, like Jonathan did, the difference between feeling anxious one day and like diagnosing yourself with an anxiety disorder and needing medication. 00:26:11.680 --> 00:26:13.839 Like, do some people need that? 00:26:14.079 --> 00:26:15.039 Absolutely. 00:26:15.279 --> 00:26:22.640 Um but I'm seeing a big rise in like literally getting teens or college students in my office that only want a diagnosis. 00:26:22.720 --> 00:26:30.799 And we do diagnose mental health disorders, um, but it's like a big thing now because of social media, I feel like. 00:26:30.880 --> 00:26:38.559 Um the other thing, oh, also wrapped up in identity because I know we're probably gonna talk more about it, but like is that something type of identity? 00:26:39.039 --> 00:26:42.319 So tell me more what you mean by is that wrapped up in identity. 00:26:45.839 --> 00:26:46.400 Here we go. 00:26:46.720 --> 00:26:58.240 I need to clarify Yes. 00:26:59.920 --> 00:27:00.319 Yes. 00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:15.119 Yeah, so we're gonna get into that. 00:27:15.200 --> 00:27:17.119 We had some questions about that later. 00:27:17.279 --> 00:27:21.680 Um so one of the key, like this is really important when I'm meeting with parents. 00:27:21.839 --> 00:27:37.839 I want to do kind of some education around like the human development cycle because your kiddos, you know, when you're when your kiddos are young, which I've never raised like a young child, so I don't really know, but I assume uh you're like reading the parenting books and you're like, what happens at 18 months? 00:27:38.000 --> 00:27:41.359 You know, and well, it's true for the entire lifespan. 00:27:41.519 --> 00:27:49.119 We just kind of ignore it after our kids are little, but there's actually like really specific developmental things happening, you know, in middle school. 00:27:49.279 --> 00:27:52.880 They call it early adolescence, mid-adolescence, late adolescence. 00:27:53.039 --> 00:28:00.400 So your college students are actually in late adolescence, and this brain is not fully developed till 25 to 30. 00:28:00.559 --> 00:28:03.039 And so these are all developmental periods. 00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:07.039 I know people like love when I say that when I'm like, the brain's not developed yet. 00:28:07.200 --> 00:28:09.680 Good and bad, like there's a reason for that. 00:28:09.839 --> 00:28:12.880 It's not developed yet because young people take more risks. 00:28:13.039 --> 00:28:15.759 That's kind of a bad thing, but it can be a good thing too. 00:28:16.000 --> 00:28:18.079 So, anyway, I'm off topic identity. 00:28:18.720 --> 00:28:25.519 So, this kind of stage of development that's happening with your middle schooler, your high schooler, it's actually textbook. 00:28:25.599 --> 00:28:26.319 This isn't like a Dr. 00:28:26.480 --> 00:28:28.319 Nicole thing, this is like a textbook thing. 00:28:28.480 --> 00:28:32.880 Identity development is the whole stage, the whole developmental stage. 00:28:33.039 --> 00:28:34.160 What does that mean? 00:28:34.400 --> 00:28:35.200 Who am I? 00:28:35.359 --> 00:28:36.079 What am I? 00:28:36.240 --> 00:28:44.160 So, you know, parents will come in and they're like, my kid dyed their hair green and oh my gosh, and like freaking out. 00:28:44.240 --> 00:28:47.759 And I'm like, yeah, they're just like trying that on, you know, for the week. 00:28:47.839 --> 00:28:49.440 Like it'll probably be pink next week. 00:28:49.519 --> 00:28:51.519 Like, I'm sorry, but it'll happen. 00:28:51.680 --> 00:28:57.920 Um, for me, it was like I dyed my hair like dark, I like pierced my cartilage. 00:28:58.000 --> 00:29:00.720 I was so, you know, alternative. 00:29:01.279 --> 00:29:05.920 Um, and I'll share that with parents because I'm like, hey, you probably remember going through that too. 00:29:06.160 --> 00:29:11.039 So with that being said, like we can get into some of the, I think we're gonna talk about sexuality some. 00:29:11.119 --> 00:29:14.880 Um Yeah, the next question actually says, how does sexuality tie into this? 00:29:15.039 --> 00:29:23.759 So yeah, thinking about social media, what you're seeing come out of social media with students, um, how does sexuality tie into this? 00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:26.720 And then we do need to circle back around to like how do we talk to our students about it? 00:29:26.960 --> 00:29:27.359 Yeah, yeah. 00:29:27.519 --> 00:29:34.079 So yeah, you can go ahead and jump into the I know I'm I know I'm going on I know I'm going on a little tangent here to answer your question. 00:29:34.319 --> 00:29:51.200 Um, but with the world being the way it is now, so mental health is like more talked about on TikTok and social media, um, the LGBTQ community is like way bigger thing talked about than it was even when I was in high school not too long ago, you know. 00:29:51.440 --> 00:30:01.039 And so with that being said, there's a lot of different pieces of identity that kids are kind of latching on to um for good and for bad. 00:30:01.200 --> 00:30:06.720 You know, it used to be maybe am I an athlete, am I an artist, am I a smart kid? 00:30:07.039 --> 00:30:11.519 And we kind of put those labels, you know, on each other. 00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:16.559 But also it's like, yeah, am I the depressed kid? 00:30:16.799 --> 00:30:18.319 I mean, some some kids can do that. 00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:27.759 I don't want to like over-generalize for the ones that that's not the case, but I think for some it's just becoming a a big kind of thing. 00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:32.000 Um, and back to the social media, that's kind of how I'm seeing that. 00:30:32.160 --> 00:30:36.319 I think obviously there's like negatives of social media that we all know about too. 00:30:36.480 --> 00:31:04.240 I mean, with more access to things or ability to get into maybe more trouble than good comparison, all the different filters, and I think I was I was reading some research last week about the increase in the um aesthetic cosmetology field with like all the Botox and the fillers, ladies, you all know what I'm talking about. 00:31:04.720 --> 00:31:22.880 Um huge percentages ever since it was a study that was looking at like 2010 when Instagram got big and all the Instagram filters, and then how uh it's shown this massive increase in trend, like I think it was like a three billion dollar like growth in the industry or something like that. 00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:24.720 So, and it's getting younger and younger. 00:31:24.799 --> 00:31:30.160 I mean, I have high schoolers that are getting like cosmetic adjustments and things like very normal. 00:31:30.240 --> 00:31:32.079 I know you're looking at me like I'm crazy. 00:31:32.319 --> 00:31:33.920 No, very, very normal. 00:31:34.079 --> 00:31:37.920 Um, like high schoolers getting yeah, all sorts of work done. 00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:43.200 So Jonathan, what are you saying when you meet with teenagers, what are you seeing social media? 00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:44.720 What's the effect? 00:31:45.039 --> 00:31:55.839 Yeah, I think uh to answer that question in your question, I would say that we as humans, for for all of us, even adults, social media is impacting us in some way, right? 00:31:56.000 --> 00:32:00.480 And I think we also are always trying to identify who we are. 00:32:00.720 --> 00:32:06.000 Whether we're a teenager or a 70-year-old, we're always trying to answer that question of who I am. 00:32:06.319 --> 00:32:08.240 We do it as an adult by what we do. 00:32:08.559 --> 00:32:10.400 You meet somebody, they say, Hey, what do you do? 00:32:10.559 --> 00:32:11.920 You say, Oh, I'm a doctor. 00:32:12.319 --> 00:32:14.640 Well, I'm actually answering your question incorrectly. 00:32:14.799 --> 00:32:15.920 You asked, What do I do? 00:32:16.079 --> 00:32:17.599 and I answered, I am. 00:32:18.000 --> 00:32:20.880 So what we do, we tie with our identity. 00:32:21.200 --> 00:32:26.319 As a student, we're looking for that identity anywhere we can get it. 00:32:26.480 --> 00:32:33.680 And there's a lot less areas, and identifying ourselves as a student is not always the coolest, funnest thing. 00:32:33.920 --> 00:32:45.279 And so, especially in that age, as they're beginning to differentiate themselves from their family system and begin to identify who I am besides my family, I think that plays a huge role into it. 00:32:45.440 --> 00:32:48.960 And I think social media gives us that much more access. 00:32:49.119 --> 00:32:56.000 Oh, I'm seeing all these things out there, I'm seeing all these different people, and I want to be like that and model myself after that. 00:32:56.160 --> 00:33:01.440 And I think, like Nicole is saying, it gives us access, but it also allows us to then compare. 00:33:01.599 --> 00:33:04.400 And I think we do that if we're being honest too as adults. 00:33:04.640 --> 00:33:11.599 Oh, I'm seeing them and they're having their newborn, and my wife and I are pregnant, and it's like, oh my gosh, like their kid is the cutest thing ever. 00:33:11.680 --> 00:33:13.359 What if our kid comes out and it's not cute? 00:33:13.519 --> 00:33:15.200 It's like, what does that say about me? 00:33:15.359 --> 00:33:18.880 And or it's like, oh my gosh, their their nine-month-old is walking. 00:33:18.960 --> 00:33:20.880 Our our kid hasn't even started crawling yet. 00:33:20.960 --> 00:33:21.759 What are we gonna do? 00:33:21.920 --> 00:33:32.960 And the more people and the more stuff we get to see for lack of a better word, it begins to always compare back to what am I doing? 00:33:33.039 --> 00:33:33.920 How am I doing? 00:33:34.079 --> 00:33:35.039 Who am I then? 00:33:35.200 --> 00:33:35.920 Is what I would say. 00:33:36.000 --> 00:33:38.640 And so I think we see that in high school with social media. 00:33:38.880 --> 00:33:51.279 I think it impacts that question or of who I am even that much more so and provides us more opportunities to try to answer that question, maybe trying to fill it in before we really know who we are. 00:33:51.680 --> 00:34:02.000 One of my recommendations, um, if you haven't seen The Social Dilemma on um Netflix, like I'm a I'm I love that documentary, The Social Dilemma. 00:34:02.160 --> 00:34:12.079 Um, I would encourage you to watch it with your student and have be curious, get curious, have conversations, ask them what they think about it. 00:34:12.559 --> 00:34:16.639 Um that's one of my like top tips is to watch that. 00:34:16.880 --> 00:34:29.679 It's basically talking about like the dirty underbelly of how like companies like Google and Facebook and TikTok are literally just trying to get you to stay on their apps longer, like that's really all they care about. 00:34:30.159 --> 00:34:43.599 Um and I think like Jonathan was saying, you know, when I was in when I was in high school, not super long ago, I compared myself to like my friend's house down the street and like what they had in their room. 00:34:43.679 --> 00:34:47.199 And it was like pretty much the same stuff I had in my room, you know what I mean? 00:34:47.440 --> 00:34:51.039 But I'm on I'm I'm really active on TikTok. 00:34:51.440 --> 00:35:00.400 Um, and I'm seeing like 23-year-olds with like New York City apartments, you know, and really nice cars and stuff like that. 00:35:00.480 --> 00:35:08.239 And our teens are just exposed to so much more now that we weren't even that that long ago exposed to. 00:35:08.320 --> 00:35:13.679 It's such this like rapid, rapid change in our whole society, I think. 00:35:13.840 --> 00:35:16.000 And I I do see it impacting. 00:35:16.079 --> 00:35:21.679 And so the social dilemma will kind of explain how that's also impacting mental health and stuff like that too. 00:35:21.760 --> 00:35:22.639 It's a good documentary. 00:35:23.039 --> 00:35:28.639 Well, and the biggest thing with social media too is we typically only show the good side of us, right? 00:35:28.800 --> 00:35:42.400 If you guys have seen this, experience this, it's like, oh, I took me, you know, I woke up looking like this, and it's like nobody really sees the hours that we took to get ready to make that picture look like we just woke up, but truly it's it's not even true. 00:35:42.719 --> 00:35:49.039 And so our teens are seeing this and they're striving to be that much more like that. 00:35:49.199 --> 00:36:02.320 And so I think it also creates that vulnerability issue, which we were talking about earlier, where we as parents trying to be vulnerable and open about who we really are, so they can feel comfortable to be who they truly are, as opposed to trying to be someone they're not. 00:36:02.880 --> 00:36:06.960 And I'll just say one thing real quick because I know we can we need to keep moving, we've been on this one for a bit. 00:36:08.480 --> 00:36:12.079 Um kind of what we talked about earlier about the modeling, too. 00:36:12.320 --> 00:36:17.920 My thing is like kids are gonna be naturally addicted to these types of things. 00:36:18.960 --> 00:36:21.199 A lot of parents are, a lot of adults are too. 00:36:21.440 --> 00:36:25.119 And so having uh a mindset of like how am I gonna model this, right? 00:36:25.280 --> 00:36:32.800 So, like not having your phone at dinner, like if we're gonna get practical about some things, like set healthy boundaries for yourself because they're gonna model what you do. 00:36:32.960 --> 00:36:45.360 You know, if they're if you're they're trying to talk to you, but you know, you have the TV on and you're scrolling through Facebook if you're old or Instagram if you're a little bit younger, and TikTok or Snapchat if you're really young. 00:36:45.519 --> 00:36:51.440 Um if you're if you're doing that, they're just they're gonna think you're not interested, and they just think, oh, this is just what we do. 00:36:51.599 --> 00:36:53.280 This is just what our family does. 00:36:53.440 --> 00:37:13.360 Um, and so I think to kind of help with that, because there is so much comparison, there is so much that they can learn and see from um social media that's unhealthy, that if we want to if we want to help them in this, then I think we need to learn to have really good boundaries for ourselves, but then I also really think like having family boundaries um is really healthy as well. 00:37:13.599 --> 00:37:19.760 So and I think even to add on to what RJ's saying, it's like our kids are also listening. 00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:27.519 And so if we're sitting there like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that person just posted that on like and can you believe like what they're showing? 00:37:27.679 --> 00:37:28.960 Like, they're hearing that. 00:37:29.119 --> 00:37:39.519 And so unfortunately, it's also like what how are we how are we viewing our social media profiles and how are we interacting on social media, and then how are our kids seeing that? 00:37:39.679 --> 00:37:51.039 And so maybe we're you're even friends on Facebook or Instagram with your your your kid and they're seeing what you're posting or they're seeing what you're commenting, it's being aware of that too. 00:37:52.320 --> 00:38:02.480 So something I want to I want to get complicated here because I do think there are positives of social media, so a lot of parents will just say um you can't have it. 00:38:02.639 --> 00:38:05.039 And I see that a lot, especially Snapchat. 00:38:05.119 --> 00:38:10.719 Like I have so many parents that just won't let their kid have Snapchat, and I totally get it. 00:38:11.360 --> 00:38:24.800 However, I think a big thing that when we're we're I'm giving you some insight into like the therapist's lens is we're not really raising kids, we're trying to raise healthy adults, kind of what RJ was saying. 00:38:25.039 --> 00:38:43.280 And I always kind of push back, like these are conversations we would be having in therapy where we're processing, like, hey, you know, Sarah Jane is going to college in like eight months or whatever, you know, like everybody her age communicates through Snapchat. 00:38:43.360 --> 00:38:45.599 They all do, like that's just what they do. 00:38:45.840 --> 00:38:51.599 She's trying to meet roommates and she can't even like DM anybody, you know, so for college or whatever. 00:38:51.920 --> 00:39:00.639 So I think it's important, like RJ's saying, that we're having, we're getting curious, we're having these conversations about like the good and the bad of social media. 00:39:00.880 --> 00:39:02.880 And then it's not enough. 00:39:03.039 --> 00:39:10.239 I don't, I don't think in our society today, maybe a few years ago, but I don't think it's enough to just say like they can't have it. 00:39:10.800 --> 00:39:14.079 And instead, what we're trying to do is model healthy boundaries for them. 00:39:14.159 --> 00:39:18.639 So when they go off to college, when they're an adult, they have healthy boundaries. 00:39:18.800 --> 00:39:22.880 They've been able to fail a few times at home with you, not in big ways. 00:39:23.039 --> 00:39:32.320 But if we're sending them off into the world with like no social media skills, which is personally where I do all my networking and meet all my friends, is on social media now. 00:39:32.719 --> 00:39:39.440 Um I'm a little weird, but it's kind of like the way that things are going for their generation, especially. 00:39:39.519 --> 00:39:42.400 And so I did want to push back on that and I think that's great. 00:39:42.639 --> 00:39:54.800 I know what we've learned and what we've learned from parents that are ahead of us when we ask them is um like healthy boundaries, clear boundaries with phone. 00:39:54.960 --> 00:39:56.239 Like when do you get a phone? 00:39:56.320 --> 00:39:58.000 Like almost like a family plan. 00:39:58.159 --> 00:39:59.760 Like, when do you get a phone? 00:39:59.920 --> 00:40:00.639 What will it be? 00:40:00.800 --> 00:40:02.000 What will be allowed on it? 00:40:02.159 --> 00:40:03.199 Why do we do that? 00:40:03.360 --> 00:40:05.199 How, what times of day do you get it? 00:40:05.360 --> 00:40:06.719 When does it shut itself off? 00:40:06.880 --> 00:40:18.639 An iPhone has beautiful features for you to govern all that, you know, and then all right, what ages, what grades do you graduate into additional apps or whatever? 00:40:18.800 --> 00:40:26.400 Because the goal is, um, like what we've learned from some friends of ours, is by their senior year, they have everything. 00:40:26.719 --> 00:40:28.480 There's nothing off limits. 00:40:28.639 --> 00:40:35.039 So that way you have a whole year of them having complete freedom under your home. 00:40:35.199 --> 00:40:37.519 That way, if they mess up, they're still with you. 00:40:37.760 --> 00:40:41.760 And so you're kind of like pacing them into it. 00:40:41.840 --> 00:40:43.440 But I know just the on-ramp. 00:40:45.440 --> 00:40:46.960 You don't want to just like pop on 75. 00:40:47.519 --> 00:40:50.000 What we've noticed with our girls, on-ramp. 00:40:50.320 --> 00:41:01.440 We only have one on the ramp at this point, they do want the plan because my you know, my even my third grader has a friend who has a phone. 00:41:01.599 --> 00:41:04.239 Well, we don't give phones to a later grade. 00:41:04.400 --> 00:41:07.840 So I can just say to her, well, our family does phones at this age. 00:41:08.079 --> 00:41:10.079 You know, that there is a very clear plan. 00:41:10.400 --> 00:41:11.599 So we don't have to keep talking about it. 00:41:11.760 --> 00:41:12.320 Isn't that great? 00:41:12.480 --> 00:41:13.599 We don't have to keep talking about it. 00:41:13.679 --> 00:41:14.800 Like, like, there's a plan. 00:41:14.960 --> 00:41:16.480 Here's your plan, here's the plan. 00:41:16.639 --> 00:41:19.280 You know, and so we're pacing them and on-ramping them. 00:41:19.360 --> 00:41:40.719 And I think that that's really helped them not have anxiety about this issue of like wondering and when, and and then as well, the goal being like let them have complete freedom and liberation within your home before within the law, of course, under your roof their senior year. 00:41:40.960 --> 00:41:48.159 That way, if there's some mess ups within that freedom, at least you have a year there that you can you're you're closer to them. 00:41:48.800 --> 00:41:50.880 Yeah, no, no, sorry. 00:41:51.599 --> 00:41:52.320 Sorta. 00:41:52.559 --> 00:41:53.599 No, I'm just kidding. 00:41:53.760 --> 00:41:59.440 Um, I would say, like, uh, along with that, like explaining why the on-ramp is the way the on-ramp is. 00:41:59.599 --> 00:41:59.840 Yeah, yeah. 00:42:00.159 --> 00:42:05.760 Like communicating as much as we can, because you you don't want to be just seen as a dictator who's like, well, this is just the way it is. 00:42:06.079 --> 00:42:07.760 Yeah, that there's a reason for this. 00:42:08.400 --> 00:42:10.079 And it's out of love, it's out of care. 00:42:10.480 --> 00:42:17.840 We've actually had a couple adjustments too, where our daughter has kind of re- and I'm always up for renegotiations. 00:42:18.000 --> 00:42:33.280 Like, I'm not a negotiating parent, but if she comes and she'll say, Hey, you know, like very a very practical thing, like, hey, like this is being very limiting, and I'm like, okay, like go and think that through, and then let's have a little conversation about it. 00:42:33.519 --> 00:42:37.679 And then if it's valid, like, yeah, you know what, you're right on this one. 00:42:37.840 --> 00:42:47.360 Like, you know, I think there has to be that open, we're not gonna negotiate everything constantly, but that plan does need to have a little flexibility, and then the purpose of it, I think it's very helpful. 00:42:47.519 --> 00:42:47.679 Yeah. 00:42:47.920 --> 00:42:52.639 Yeah, I think the metaphor there is oftentimes like thinking about like how the workplace environment operates. 00:42:52.800 --> 00:42:59.119 It's like you're not constantly going to your boss saying, I need this, I need this, I need an extra day this year, I need an extra week this year. 00:42:59.280 --> 00:43:11.039 But if there has been three or four years you've been in the with the company and there's been no growth there, it's like, hey, I've kind of been here and been faithful and been a good employee. 00:43:11.360 --> 00:43:13.440 Not that that means everything. 00:43:13.519 --> 00:43:20.559 Like we're it's not just about doing the thing, like we want to know the heart behind it too, but it's I've kind of I've kind of been faithful. 00:43:20.639 --> 00:43:22.559 Like, can you trust me with a little bit more? 00:43:22.880 --> 00:43:25.199 And having that opportunity for growth, like you're saying. 00:43:25.360 --> 00:43:26.000 Yeah, absolutely. 00:43:26.480 --> 00:43:28.480 All right, last question in this uh this section. 00:43:28.639 --> 00:43:34.239 How can I cultivate our home to be a safe place for open conversation about hard topics? 00:43:36.079 --> 00:43:37.039 What would I say? 00:43:41.679 --> 00:43:48.639 I think a big thing is like I think we're gonna get into this on the next questions a little bit more. 00:43:49.039 --> 00:43:56.639 Um I go back to like as as parents, you know, we we have so many different roles, right? 00:43:56.719 --> 00:44:03.760 It's like you're the mom, you're the teacher, you're the Disciplinarian, you're the you know, there's so many different like roles. 00:44:03.920 --> 00:44:05.119 The the guide. 00:44:05.599 --> 00:44:20.800 I have uh this one family that I worked with a a while ago, and uh you know, the dad was like the total coach type, you know, like super corporate, like coach, everything was like, you know, you gotta be teachable. 00:44:21.119 --> 00:44:23.039 Um he would literally say that. 00:44:23.119 --> 00:44:31.920 I was like, ugh, but it would it didn't go off well because it was just like all the time, like it was always a learning opportunity, always a teaching opportunity. 00:44:32.079 --> 00:44:49.360 And I think that when you're trying to establish uh just good open lines of communication with your kids, like Russ, it sounds like you guys do a great job with that because you you talk about things, you allow your kids like space to be negotiators and a party in it, you know what I mean? 00:44:49.599 --> 00:45:11.679 And so a lot of the time, like just sometimes taking off that pressure to be like constantly teaching, or I have to make it a teachable moment, or I have to like really dive in here and be the disciplinarian on this one, like maybe just trying to put on that curiosity hat like a little bit more, especially as your kids age, like age appropriate, right? 00:45:11.760 --> 00:45:18.480 Like, we don't want our four-year-old like throwing a tantrum and we're like, I'm trying to get curious with your feelings, like no. 00:45:19.199 --> 00:45:30.000 But I think as they're getting older, like just putting on that curiosity hat, and even if you want to think about it like that and just sitting with them, or maybe you want to call it the therapist hat or whatever, just like listening and like being there for their feelings. 00:45:30.239 --> 00:45:46.400 Because I see when kids like shut down with their parents altogether, or when we get into like um blatant like defiance or like more serious behavioral type things, it's because those lines of communication have been shut down for a long time. 00:45:46.880 --> 00:45:59.280 Um, there isn't much curiosity, it's just always a teachable moment, or like discipline, or I can't I know I can't say anything to mom and dad because I know what I'm gonna get every time I say something. 00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:03.440 So that would be kind of my feedback. 00:46:06.239 --> 00:46:08.079 Kids will also be able to pick up on that. 00:46:08.239 --> 00:46:16.880 They are very attuned to when they are being listened to, like when they're actually being heard, and when there's a precocked, ready-to-go answer already in. 00:46:17.199 --> 00:46:23.440 It's like, okay, you didn't really hear what I said, that just hit and bounced right off and you weren't even listening. 00:46:24.000 --> 00:46:29.760 They're very, they're very aware of that, but they can hear that and feel that difference. 00:46:30.239 --> 00:46:44.079 Um something I'd also say that has also been an answer to I think every single one of these questions that we haven't talked about that I'd really want to encourage each of you guys with is this is also something that each of you guys can be praying about, like for yourself, right? 00:46:44.159 --> 00:46:50.400 Like go to God with this and like praying for your kid, like not like RJ was saying, just telling your kid, like you got to pray this through. 00:46:50.480 --> 00:46:52.239 And it's like pray more, pray more, pray more. 00:46:52.320 --> 00:46:53.519 It's like, but we can be praying more. 00:46:53.840 --> 00:46:56.880 Prayer is one of our biggest weapons in this world. 00:46:57.280 --> 00:47:03.280 And it is something that we can each use and inviting God into this and into some of those conversations. 00:47:03.360 --> 00:47:08.480 And so going to him with some of our anxiety ourselves as a parent. 00:47:08.880 --> 00:47:21.920 Man, I know I have been doing that the past six months as I'm getting ready for for a kid, like going to him with, oh my gosh, I am scared to bring somebody into this world, and that is okay, and he can handle that. 00:47:22.880 --> 00:47:31.280 Yeah, and the only thing I would add is taking the lens off of focusing on the kids and focusing on like how do we be really healthy adults ourselves? 00:47:31.440 --> 00:47:39.119 Like if we're really healthy, then I think it's gonna make it a lot easier for our kids to feel safe and secure and healthy because they're gonna see it modeled. 00:47:39.280 --> 00:47:42.400 So, um, and and a lot of that for me is awareness. 00:47:42.559 --> 00:47:47.679 So you know, we say self-awareness, but um like knowing how you're actually doing. 00:47:47.920 --> 00:48:03.280 I can't tell you how many times, like I I'm sure I'm a therapist, but I'm flawed human and I try really hard, but I can't tell you the amount of times like I've apologized to my daughter because it's been a long week or it was you know, tough things happen, and then I'm not the kindest maybe that I want to be. 00:48:03.360 --> 00:48:08.079 Or I mean I apologize to you all the time, but um but we're called we're talking about parents here. 00:48:08.159 --> 00:48:10.559 Um not our couples counseling right now, right? 00:48:10.639 --> 00:48:11.039 Yeah. 00:48:11.280 --> 00:48:14.480 Um, which we do because it's healthy, okay. 00:48:14.559 --> 00:48:16.559 So some of y'all need to hear that maybe. 00:48:16.800 --> 00:48:21.760 Um people are shocked that we go to couples counseling, but we're both counselors. 00:48:22.159 --> 00:48:24.719 Counselors need to be counseled, pastors need to be pastors, right? 00:48:24.800 --> 00:48:25.679 Yeah, yeah, that's right. 00:48:25.920 --> 00:48:48.000 But so just trying to be really aware for yourselves and saying, like, okay, you know, like I said, I've apologized my daughter so many times saying, like, hey, daddy, sorry, you know, uh, and I I've tried to be very open with her about my emotions from the beginning because I don't want to hide how I'm doing now, like to the extent of maybe like what is really going on, like she gets like the age-appropriate version of it. 00:48:48.239 --> 00:48:53.519 Um, but then it's it's really interesting because then when I get to share those with her, she's always like, Oh, it's okay, daddy. 00:48:53.599 --> 00:48:55.679 And I'm like, well, well, thank you. 00:48:55.840 --> 00:49:00.079 It's not okay because that's not how like I want to treat you, and so I'm really sorry. 00:49:00.159 --> 00:49:19.679 And so I try and acknowledge it and normalize the idea that like, man, sometimes we have bad days, and and that's okay, um, but be quick to ask for forgiveness and and receive that and be able to give that to our kids is a beautiful thing because then they they see that as a model, like they're sponges, they're little, you know, monkey see, monkey do type thing. 00:49:19.760 --> 00:49:33.039 And so um, if we can model really healthy emotional awareness and really healthy emotional communication, we're setting them up to at least have a better chance to not have to come to our office um and see one of us later. 00:49:33.519 --> 00:49:34.559 That was a joke. 00:49:35.760 --> 00:49:46.159 One thing I've noticed, one thing I've noticed for our parenting is um we've been very big since they were babies on first time obedience. 00:49:46.880 --> 00:49:49.840 Like obey first, we can discuss later. 00:49:50.159 --> 00:50:00.079 And that's sort of a principle that even in early teenagehood we're still living by that, but I have noticed it changes, like it shifts. 00:50:00.320 --> 00:50:05.679 Like when they're little, it really is like, no, I said it, you do it. 00:50:05.760 --> 00:50:07.519 You know, because they're three or they're four. 00:50:07.599 --> 00:50:10.239 Like these are safety issues to a certain extent sometimes, right? 00:50:10.320 --> 00:50:14.400 Like you're and you're establishing the authority relationship. 00:50:14.559 --> 00:50:43.519 But I can't I have noticed, and it's interesting because we're right in the shift, you know, because we have a 13-year-old and we have a 10-year-old or 11-year-old, and so we're right in the shift with them of like, yeah, it's still obey first, discuss second, but like we're doing it with a different tone, or like it's transitioning in a way that we're coming alongside them, and still, you know, if I still say this, it's still that's that's gonna be the deal. 00:50:43.760 --> 00:50:49.840 Um, but like the tone of it, the the curiosities kicking in from our side more. 00:50:50.000 --> 00:50:53.920 I was sharing that with them before one our one of our mentor couples. 00:50:54.079 --> 00:50:59.760 We asked them one time who had already raised their kids, and I just said, Well, you know, looking back on it, what would you do differently? 00:50:59.840 --> 00:51:01.920 And she said, I I should have stopped talking. 00:51:02.159 --> 00:51:04.239 She said, and I just needed to ask more questions. 00:51:04.400 --> 00:51:08.719 When they were teenagers, they she they had already heard all my lessons. 00:51:08.960 --> 00:51:19.599 I needed to start to ask more questions, become more curious, and then just find those little moments every once in a while where I could just put out just a little lesson, but you know, like season that. 00:51:19.679 --> 00:51:21.760 Use a little seasoning, like that's all that is. 00:51:21.920 --> 00:51:23.119 All right, let's stretch real quick. 00:51:24.480 --> 00:51:29.679 All right, so uh we all sent in great, really good questions. 00:51:29.840 --> 00:51:30.880 These are great questions. 00:51:31.039 --> 00:51:35.039 When we read them, we're like, these are these are real questions. 00:51:35.519 --> 00:51:39.440 And so we really appreciated that they were real questions. 00:51:39.679 --> 00:51:41.840 Um and you'll see what I mean by that. 00:51:41.920 --> 00:51:47.440 Like, because um we're gonna get into some really, really good stuff that I think is just really vital and it's it's real life. 00:51:47.519 --> 00:51:48.480 You know, it's real life. 00:51:48.559 --> 00:51:54.559 It's not us pretending like we have it all together or that any of us is gonna have all of our parenting together. 00:51:54.719 --> 00:52:01.840 All right, the first question is this my child is struggling with their faith and aren't sure if they believe in God anymore. 00:52:02.079 --> 00:52:06.960 They've said they don't want to talk about it and want to figure it out on their own without being influenced. 00:52:07.039 --> 00:52:10.320 How do I help them see that Christ is the only way? 00:52:11.440 --> 00:52:16.079 I'll let y'all run at it first, and then I can pastorally speak to it in a second. 00:52:22.639 --> 00:52:23.599 Did you have something? 00:52:23.840 --> 00:52:24.159 Okay. 00:52:24.559 --> 00:52:26.480 Yeah, this is a tough question. 00:52:27.039 --> 00:52:29.440 So can you actually hand me that? 00:52:29.599 --> 00:52:30.639 Because they're on there, right? 00:52:30.960 --> 00:52:33.519 And my my first thought to it was is how old is the child? 00:52:34.079 --> 00:52:34.239 Yeah. 00:52:34.639 --> 00:52:40.960 Because that's a very it's that's a very big difference if we're talking about and so I think we just need to recognize that through the lens of like a teenager. 00:52:41.199 --> 00:52:49.199 Yeah, so I'm thinking teenager, but I think even if there's a 17-year-old and there's a 13 or 14-year-old, even that can is feels different to me. 00:52:49.360 --> 00:52:51.119 But we're gonna just do our best here. 00:52:51.199 --> 00:52:51.280 Okay. 00:52:51.599 --> 00:52:59.519 Well, and this is where like reading this question for me, I go into my therapy mode, like I did with you, of kind of tell me more. 00:53:00.159 --> 00:53:02.960 But obviously, we don't know a lot. 00:53:03.440 --> 00:53:08.639 Um, for me though, I dive into like it says that they don't want to talk about it, right? 00:53:08.800 --> 00:53:17.760 And I think that kind of goes back to, and I'm that's a little off topic for the question, but again, I'm curious like why they don't want to talk about it. 00:53:17.920 --> 00:53:25.199 And I am kind of wondering if it might be related to what we talked about of like they already know what mom and dad are gonna say. 00:53:25.360 --> 00:53:30.960 So it's kind of like the communication lines are already shut down, is what I'm kind of hearing. 00:53:31.280 --> 00:53:38.880 And unfortunately, like it does make it a tougher process to then open up those communication lines again. 00:53:39.039 --> 00:53:53.039 Because when we are talking about something as important as your child's faith, that can be really, really, really overwhelming when you're like, Oh, my child is saying that they aren't even sure if they believe in God anymore. 00:53:53.199 --> 00:54:00.000 And then on top of that, the communication lines have already been shut down, so we can't even talk about it. 00:54:00.320 --> 00:54:18.079 And this is where I think going to what RJ said about being curious, it's like when we're thinking about raising healthy adults, this is a developmental period where teens are gonna, I'm I'm gonna assume this is a teenager, maybe like a high schooler. 00:54:18.400 --> 00:54:26.320 Um they are discovering who they are, they're discovering who they what they believe and their beliefs and their values. 00:54:26.480 --> 00:54:29.519 And a lot of the time it's actually really developmentally normal. 00:54:29.679 --> 00:54:39.360 I do want to kind of normalize, not for everybody, but there's a sort of like pushing away from mom and dad and what they believe because they're making their faith their own. 00:54:39.519 --> 00:54:41.519 They want their beliefs to be their own. 00:54:41.760 --> 00:54:50.159 And I would argue that you, as their mom and dad, like want them to have strong beliefs and faith of their own, not just yours. 00:54:50.719 --> 00:55:04.159 And RJ and I were talking about this question too, and I was thinking to myself, like, I I love my mom and dad, I have amazing parents, strong Christian family, but even I have differentiated beliefs from them now. 00:55:04.320 --> 00:55:10.239 Like, I would argue probably everybody in here has some beliefs that are different than your parents. 00:55:10.559 --> 00:55:25.679 And so I think the cool thing about therapy is like you are bringing in a professional, but like an objective party to come in and really serve as like a mediator between you and your kid, which is like what I do in family therapy. 00:55:25.920 --> 00:55:29.440 Um, but to point those things out, like let's zoom out. 00:55:29.599 --> 00:55:43.360 And when we're talking about the greater purpose of raising like adultable, um, you know, emotionally healthy, functioning adults in society that are gonna be productive, like their faith and their spirituality is really important. 00:55:43.760 --> 00:55:50.960 But what I see as being really normal is I'm gonna push against what mom and dad are saying, so I can kind of discover mine. 00:55:51.119 --> 00:55:53.440 And often I see a lot of boomeranging. 00:55:53.599 --> 00:55:56.559 So, you know, they're gonna kind of come back around. 00:55:56.960 --> 00:56:05.199 But the more that I see parents really digging their heels in, you know, all of the communication lines are shut. 00:56:05.679 --> 00:56:07.519 That's making it worse. 00:56:07.760 --> 00:56:09.760 They're gonna dig their heels in more too. 00:56:09.920 --> 00:56:17.360 We got a power struggle going on as therapy language, and it's gonna make it, I think, a little bit harder for them to boomerang around. 00:56:17.599 --> 00:56:19.440 So, did you want to speak to that? 00:56:19.840 --> 00:56:28.079 Yeah, so I'll say this too, because I I use this a lot in counseling and I try and take people through something very simple. 00:56:28.239 --> 00:56:32.320 Um, in this particular situation, like you're you're totally right. 00:56:32.400 --> 00:56:50.880 Like, I think trying to force like the teen or whatever to just okay, well, you're gonna come to more church, or you're gonna go to youth group, you're gonna you have to do all these things, and that can be part of y'all's boundaries, but um from a parenting kind of lens of it, and from uh just the lens that I use, I I take them through three steps, and it's control what you can control. 00:56:51.039 --> 00:56:54.639 And really that's that's you, and you sometimes, right? 00:56:54.800 --> 00:56:56.800 Like our emotions can get the best of us. 00:56:56.960 --> 00:57:08.559 And so control what we can actually control, and that's well, in this situation, like you can pray for your kid, you can you can do uh you can do a lot of stuff, though it feels like this may be out of control. 00:57:08.960 --> 00:57:20.400 Um, the second part is do what you need to do to be healthy spiritually, mentally, emotionally, relationally, um, physically, like be the healthiest version of yourself. 00:57:20.559 --> 00:57:22.159 That's always gonna make things easier. 00:57:22.239 --> 00:57:24.559 And then lastly, trust God with the outcomes. 00:57:24.800 --> 00:57:26.639 Like those are the three simplest things. 00:57:26.719 --> 00:57:34.079 And if in any situation where things feel out of control, like you feel like, oh, I can't do this, or I what focus what you can. 00:57:34.320 --> 00:57:37.199 And so, yeah, that's gotta be tough. 00:57:37.280 --> 00:57:42.480 Uh, I haven't had to experience that with my own daughter, but like I can't imagine what what that would feel like. 00:57:42.559 --> 00:57:46.159 But I I would try myself to say, like, okay, what can I do? 00:57:46.320 --> 00:57:54.239 Well, I can pray for her, I can I can talk to my friends and support about it, I can talk to Russ, you know, like I think there's a core question. 00:57:54.559 --> 00:58:00.320 The core question is do I believe that my child is God's or do I not? 00:58:00.719 --> 00:58:09.679 If I don't, and I believe all this is about their commitment to God, even in a given season, I'm gonna be a mess. 00:58:09.840 --> 00:58:17.440 I'm gonna pressurize, I'm gonna dig heels in, I'm gonna form arguments for the existence of God, and it's not gonna help. 00:58:17.679 --> 00:58:19.039 Like, it's not gonna help. 00:58:19.199 --> 00:58:38.559 Now, if I believe that my child is God's child, and that there are gonna be seasons when they're going through different identity formation, and they read an article online written by a brilliant atheist, and it was a nice short one-page article, and it changed their life, and it's gonna change their life for the next 18 months. 00:58:38.880 --> 00:59:10.079 And you being secure enough of that you don't have to convince them of something, they already know what you believe, and being that you've been giving them permission for their own faith journey, that it's gonna come out of your families, like you've born into a family that has a certain faith, in time you will form your own faith, that they already know this, but it's your starting point that your child is God's, and hey, I I just I want to talk about what you're learning. 00:59:10.159 --> 00:59:10.719 You're learning something. 00:59:10.800 --> 00:59:13.760 I want to I'm not here to convince you of belief at this point. 00:59:13.920 --> 00:59:16.559 You're you're 15, you're 16, you've got a brain that's working. 00:59:16.719 --> 00:59:22.400 They need to know that you're able to operate in that zone with them without judgment. 00:59:22.480 --> 00:59:34.719 And now, if you've been operating in pressurized judgment, you got a little work to do to undo that for them to trust you to get to that point because they're just gonna be worried you're there to convince them to believe in God, which you can't do anyways, right? 00:59:34.800 --> 00:59:38.400 Like, so you taking it off the table, you don't it don't even hurt you at all. 00:59:38.559 --> 00:59:39.599 Like, just take it off. 00:59:39.679 --> 00:59:40.719 It's not helpful. 00:59:40.880 --> 01:00:03.440 Um, and what I found, even meeting with people, when I meet with people who are doubting God's existence, or they don't know if they believe in God anymore, or they never believed in God, as soon as I give them permission to not believe in God and say, Oh, that's that's interesting, you know, or to be like, oh, that's so fascinating. 01:00:03.519 --> 01:00:04.159 Tell me, tell me about that. 01:00:04.239 --> 01:00:05.280 What's that what's that been like? 01:00:05.440 --> 01:00:13.760 You know, like, and they get they understand like I'm not there to pressurize this conversation and to like c like try to cause something. 01:00:14.000 --> 01:00:34.719 Like now suddenly there's a suddenly the relationship that you wanted originally like is there, um, which is really hard parentally to to like depressurize yourself because you want them to believe in something or you want something out of them, but like the the way the their it's first of all, it's gonna be their faith journey anyways. 01:00:34.880 --> 01:00:38.000 Um, but you you can't even do it, you can't even cause that. 01:00:38.159 --> 01:00:39.920 It'll only be more hurtful. 01:00:40.159 --> 01:00:41.760 All right, next question. 01:00:42.079 --> 01:00:59.840 Uh, if my child is dressing a certain way or style to gain peer approval, pushing gender stereotypes, dressing goth or emo, deviating from traditional gender dress because of insecurity, how can I help him or her to be confident in who God created them to be and not let them just be dictated by other people? 01:01:01.519 --> 01:01:02.159 Yeah. 01:01:03.199 --> 01:01:05.280 I think you used to be goth, right? 01:01:06.159 --> 01:01:09.679 So I so for time reason, Jonathan, you handle this one. 01:01:09.760 --> 01:01:10.800 Let's just have one person. 01:01:11.039 --> 01:01:11.360 Yeah. 01:01:11.599 --> 01:01:15.760 Um we're gonna do one person per question because I want to leave a few minutes. 01:01:15.840 --> 01:01:19.440 So we have 10 minutes to cover a few questions, and so we're just gonna do one at a time. 01:01:19.599 --> 01:01:19.920 All right, good. 01:01:20.159 --> 01:01:26.639 Yeah, I mean, this may be a dissatisfactory answer, and it's probably gonna be pretty quick, but I would say it's a little bit similar to the first question. 01:01:26.800 --> 01:01:30.639 It's it looks like, hey, I I've noticed there's been a change. 01:01:30.800 --> 01:01:32.559 I'm kind of curious about that change. 01:01:32.639 --> 01:01:35.920 I'd like to know more and where this is coming from. 01:01:36.000 --> 01:01:36.880 Like, why are you doing this? 01:01:36.960 --> 01:01:38.400 I mean, that's a typical therapist question. 01:01:38.480 --> 01:01:40.239 You're like, man, how do you make that look that so easy? 01:01:40.400 --> 01:01:41.840 It's years and years of practice. 01:01:42.079 --> 01:01:44.000 But it's that type of language, right? 01:01:44.159 --> 01:01:45.199 It's open-ended. 01:01:45.280 --> 01:01:51.119 Hey, I've noticed this, like there's been a change, I'm curious about it, I'd like to know more. 01:01:51.440 --> 01:02:01.280 And when your kid hears that, when we are seen as anybody, human, when we are seen, man, that feels good. 01:02:02.320 --> 01:02:04.320 And we lean into that. 01:02:04.800 --> 01:02:09.119 And when our parent sees us, that means that much more. 01:02:09.599 --> 01:02:21.760 And that is going to create a ground for communication, which is where we're hoping to be to know our kid more, to model for them, to love them. 01:02:22.000 --> 01:02:29.599 And I think being curious and showing them that we see them because we all want to be seen. 01:02:29.920 --> 01:02:31.039 That's great. 01:02:32.000 --> 01:02:40.400 What do children or teens in this generation desperately want parents to understand about them, of what's unique about them? 01:02:40.480 --> 01:02:48.480 How and how do we, as parents, uh I guess a separate question, how do we exasperate our children most frequently? 01:02:48.800 --> 01:02:50.000 So these are related. 01:02:50.159 --> 01:02:53.360 What what does the child and the student want us to know? 01:02:53.679 --> 01:02:58.159 Like what are y'all hearing in in your room, in your special little rooms? 01:02:58.320 --> 01:02:59.519 What are you hearing? 01:02:59.760 --> 01:03:02.559 And then how are we exasperating them? 01:03:04.960 --> 01:03:05.760 Oh, you got it. 01:03:06.079 --> 01:03:08.239 Yeah, I mean, again. 01:03:08.719 --> 01:03:12.480 Maybe a dissatisfactory answer, but I would say it's pretty similar to the last one. 01:03:12.639 --> 01:03:16.639 It's and you're gonna be like, man, when is this guy giving me a real answer? 01:03:16.800 --> 01:03:21.119 No, I we all again, we all want to be seen, especially Gen Z. 01:03:21.360 --> 01:03:23.199 Gen Z wants to be accepted. 01:03:23.360 --> 01:03:25.199 Not only seen, they want to be accepted. 01:03:25.360 --> 01:03:29.760 We all want to be accepted, but they that much more than I've seen in the room. 01:03:29.920 --> 01:03:38.079 It is when I'm in with them in there with counseling, one of the reasons why so many Gen Zers also come to counseling is because it's a free space where they feel accepted. 01:03:38.239 --> 01:03:38.800 Not free. 01:03:38.880 --> 01:03:43.039 It is not not a R practice. 01:03:43.199 --> 01:03:44.159 It's free to them. 01:03:44.400 --> 01:03:45.119 It's free to them. 01:03:45.360 --> 01:03:45.840 Yes, yes. 01:03:45.920 --> 01:03:46.079 Yeah. 01:03:46.320 --> 01:03:49.360 It is a place where they feel free and accepted. 01:03:49.599 --> 01:03:50.639 There's a key word in there. 01:03:50.800 --> 01:03:51.840 Where they feel free and accepted. 01:03:52.400 --> 01:03:53.599 But how do we exasperate? 01:03:53.760 --> 01:03:56.079 How do parents typically exasperate their children? 01:03:56.800 --> 01:03:57.119 Yeah. 01:03:57.360 --> 01:04:09.679 I think they bug them uh again by trying to not listen, but I'm going to come to you, I'm gonna come and have precocked, ready, loaded, ready answers. 01:04:09.920 --> 01:04:14.719 I'm not really looking at you, I want you to see me, and I want to bring what I have onto you. 01:04:14.960 --> 01:04:25.119 There's not to get into a huge communication psychoeducation, but there's four models of communication: there's aggressive, there's assertive, there's passive, and there's passive aggressive. 01:04:25.360 --> 01:04:28.159 Aggressive is when I take what I believe onto you. 01:04:28.400 --> 01:04:32.000 Passive is where I'm not engaging this, I'm indirectly engaging it. 01:04:32.159 --> 01:04:37.760 Passive is aggressive is where I'm gonna direct indirectly engage it, but with some attitude. 01:04:37.920 --> 01:04:41.920 And then assertive is where I can communicate my wants and my needs effectively. 01:04:42.159 --> 01:04:47.360 And when we can do that with our kids, it gives them the permission to do that back to us. 01:04:47.519 --> 01:04:51.679 So I think there's some permission, openness, and safety if that. 01:04:52.159 --> 01:04:52.639 That's great. 01:04:52.880 --> 01:04:59.519 What do you do when you find your child posting content on hidden social media accounts that you would not approve of? 01:04:59.840 --> 01:05:01.760 So I think that's a very practical question. 01:05:01.920 --> 01:05:04.480 I mean, there's the, yeah, we're gonna be curious. 01:05:04.639 --> 01:05:05.840 Hey, I found this. 01:05:06.079 --> 01:05:06.719 Let me practice. 01:05:06.880 --> 01:05:07.440 Can I practice? 01:05:07.599 --> 01:05:07.840 Okay. 01:05:08.079 --> 01:05:10.079 Hey, I've found this. 01:05:10.480 --> 01:05:13.199 Um, this doesn't look great. 01:05:13.440 --> 01:05:16.960 Um it I'm very upset. 01:05:17.920 --> 01:05:20.639 Can you tell me more about this? 01:05:20.960 --> 01:05:21.679 Tell me more. 01:05:22.400 --> 01:05:23.280 That was great, Russ. 01:05:23.360 --> 01:05:23.760 That was great. 01:05:24.400 --> 01:05:26.320 I need some work, apparently. 01:05:26.559 --> 01:05:27.519 Couldn't even do it. 01:05:27.760 --> 01:05:36.400 Um but what are we like very so we're gonna have a conversation, try to engage the heart with some open-ended questions to figure out like what's what's going on with you? 01:05:36.559 --> 01:05:39.119 Like, like where where are we at in relationship here? 01:05:39.199 --> 01:05:40.400 What's what's causing this? 01:05:40.559 --> 01:05:49.119 But then practically, I think parents can feel very handcuffed the fact that my 13 year old knows a lot more about technology than I do at this point. 01:05:49.280 --> 01:05:51.280 I use her to help me with my phone. 01:05:51.440 --> 01:05:54.079 So that's where we're at, you know? 01:05:54.320 --> 01:05:59.760 Um, so if I become, I can't just hand I can't even attempt to try to handcuff her. 01:06:00.239 --> 01:06:01.199 Because it won't work. 01:06:01.360 --> 01:06:04.800 She she'll always know 10 workarounds I don't know. 01:06:04.960 --> 01:06:05.199 Yeah. 01:06:05.360 --> 01:06:07.199 So help us out with that. 01:06:07.599 --> 01:06:13.280 I think a big a big thing is like we can approach this from like the heart the head, and then we can approach this from like the heart of it. 01:06:13.360 --> 01:06:16.079 And that is kind of how I see it being different. 01:06:16.239 --> 01:06:27.440 So like the head of it is like the conversation that you said, and like, hey, here are and this is the way I see most parents kind of approaching it is like, were you not thinking? 01:06:27.519 --> 01:06:36.079 Like there, here's 50 reasons why this is awful and gonna ruin your future, and and a lot of shame, yeah. 01:06:36.480 --> 01:06:46.400 But the thing is that we have to remember too, is that brain is not fully developed until 25, which the prefrontal cortex is what does all of the decision making. 01:06:46.559 --> 01:06:52.079 And so, like, teenagers don't have the capacity, college students don't really have the capacity fully yet. 01:06:52.239 --> 01:07:02.320 They do have the ability, but it takes, it's harder, it's like harder to do to make good decisions, and specifically long-term planning decisions. 01:07:02.639 --> 01:07:14.239 And so, like, a teenager isn't really thinking about the job that she's gonna want at 27 and how that photo probably isn't gonna be great for that job interview 15 years from now. 01:07:14.400 --> 01:07:16.639 But you as mom and dad are thinking that. 01:07:16.960 --> 01:07:28.159 So I think there's ways to like have the conversation at the HAD level, and it's like we need to educate our kids like with the social dilemma and things like that, and hey, this is how this could potentially impact you. 01:07:28.320 --> 01:07:30.960 I think practically we set boundaries for them. 01:07:31.119 --> 01:07:36.320 So, like you were talking about earlier, like age-appropriate boundaries for what they can and can't do. 01:07:36.559 --> 01:07:42.960 I think that we need to address the heart of it, which the heart is like there is some reason why that kid is doing that. 01:07:43.199 --> 01:07:48.559 I mean, because I was a kid, I didn't do that, you know, like not every not everybody's doing that. 01:07:48.800 --> 01:07:55.119 So there's something going on in there, like there's some, and that's I mean, that's partially the million-dollar question. 01:07:55.280 --> 01:07:58.880 Like, that's why we have we will have jobs forever, you know what I mean? 01:07:58.960 --> 01:08:02.159 Like, because it's very hard to know what is going on that's causing that. 01:08:02.320 --> 01:08:05.119 It could be a self-esteem thing, it could be a peer pressure thing. 01:08:05.280 --> 01:08:06.559 I mean, I've heard it all. 01:08:06.880 --> 01:08:12.719 So, you know, million different reasons why kids will do what they do like that. 01:08:13.199 --> 01:08:21.279 Um, but I think that's kind of practically like, okay, you've found this, so yeah, the conversation, like, here's 10 million reasons. 01:08:21.359 --> 01:08:28.399 I mean, you probably want to have some consequences and boundaries for that, because that's a clear violation of like the boundaries. 01:08:28.640 --> 01:08:34.000 Um, but then I think that we do need to address like the heart issue, otherwise it's gonna continue to happen. 01:08:34.159 --> 01:08:43.439 And that's why that's what we're talking about when we're talking about raising emotionally healthy adults, because I know uh 35-year-olds that'll do that. 01:08:44.079 --> 01:08:48.720 Uh, I know 50-year-olds that will send inappropriate pictures to people. 01:08:48.880 --> 01:08:54.239 And so it's not just like a kid teen issue, it's like seriously, like a head and a heart issue. 01:08:54.479 --> 01:09:01.359 And you know, if a 50-year-old is doing that, the boundary is like what I'm thinking about, they're gonna go to jail. 01:09:01.439 --> 01:09:03.199 Like, that's the boundary, you know. 01:09:03.439 --> 01:09:13.760 So I think just like continuing to model that for our kids, like there are boundaries when we do things that are that are not right, that are inappropriate, but then we do need to explore the heart issue of why it's happening. 01:09:14.079 --> 01:09:14.560 That's great. 01:09:14.720 --> 01:09:19.119 All right, last question we have on our list, and then we'll have about 15 minutes. 01:09:19.439 --> 01:09:24.079 Our four-year-old, almost five-year-old daughter has been showing signs of anxiety lately. 01:09:24.319 --> 01:09:30.880 We started back to gymnastics after six months hiatus and has only participated in one out of four classes that she's been to. 01:09:31.119 --> 01:09:36.399 She's also been weepy when I drop her off at ballet, something that she's been in since August. 01:09:36.560 --> 01:09:40.159 How can we help her get past this in the best way? 01:09:44.319 --> 01:09:45.680 Okay, I'll do it. 01:09:46.079 --> 01:09:53.039 So um, when it comes to littles and anxiety, well, one, we have an amazing child play therapist at our office. 01:09:53.680 --> 01:09:54.479 Not me. 01:09:54.960 --> 01:10:03.439 Um, but when it comes to anxiety, again, this question is tough because there's so many questions that I would have about it. 01:10:03.600 --> 01:10:06.720 Like that's my that's my not direct answer. 01:10:07.119 --> 01:10:10.399 Um, did something happen at gymnastics? 01:10:10.560 --> 01:10:18.159 Like a lot of the time, anxiety is uh anxiety is good, so anxiety comes from the part of our brain that's protecting us. 01:10:18.319 --> 01:10:20.399 Um, it's saying, this is dangerous. 01:10:20.560 --> 01:10:22.159 I'm not gonna go do that. 01:10:22.399 --> 01:10:31.279 Um, and so if it's a four-year-old, I mean, that's like a very the anxiety part of that fear, fear center is like pretty rudimentary. 01:10:31.520 --> 01:10:36.399 So I would, there's so many questions I would have, and that's why it's hard to make this like a direct answer. 01:10:36.560 --> 01:10:42.800 But like my brain, because you know, I hear everything, is like, did something bad happen at gymnastics? 01:10:42.880 --> 01:10:45.760 And it's like probably maybe okay that they don't want to go back there. 01:10:45.840 --> 01:10:48.159 I mean, I don't know, I think worst case scenario. 01:10:48.479 --> 01:10:59.920 Um, but another one is like just maybe it's a four-year-old, so that's tough, but kind of like talking about fears is really age appropriate, talking about worries and fears. 01:11:00.159 --> 01:11:06.159 When I talk about worries with kids, we talk about them like little buzzing bees that are swarming around our head. 01:11:06.319 --> 01:11:08.000 And can we name those bees? 01:11:08.159 --> 01:11:09.920 Can we say what those fears are? 01:11:10.079 --> 01:11:18.640 Um, that's how I think you could get curious with your little um, but if it's something that they're like adamant about not going, I mean that's kind of a parent decision too. 01:11:18.720 --> 01:11:24.560 That even as a therapist, I'd be like, a lot of the time parents will come to me, well, what do we need to do? 01:11:24.960 --> 01:11:30.239 Like, well, it totally depends on your family values, it totally depends on you. 01:11:30.479 --> 01:11:34.399 I can't tell you what to do, but we can explore that together. 01:11:34.640 --> 01:11:36.800 Um, so yeah, that's a tough one. 01:11:36.880 --> 01:11:44.159 I'm sorry I'm not answering that direct, but I think I'd be curious about where the anxiety is coming from, and then that would inform like how to move forward. 01:11:44.479 --> 01:11:44.960 That's great. 01:11:45.119 --> 01:11:45.600 That's great. 01:11:45.760 --> 01:11:46.079 All right. 01:11:46.239 --> 01:11:52.319 Follow-up questions you guys have, or questions just total separate questions that you've thought of or you you came with. 01:11:53.600 --> 01:11:55.119 We have 15 minutes. 01:11:55.520 --> 01:11:56.079 Yeah. 01:12:03.840 --> 01:12:06.079 I actually um I get this a lot. 01:12:06.239 --> 01:12:16.399 Actually, um, I somebody like a week ago, it was a client I had worked with, and um she just like blatantly told her mom, I don't want to see Nicole anymore. 01:12:16.560 --> 01:12:18.880 I want to see a therapist who's not a Christian. 01:12:19.119 --> 01:12:21.520 My clients are like very aware that I'm a Christian. 01:12:21.680 --> 01:12:23.760 Um it's like kind of on our website. 01:12:24.000 --> 01:12:31.520 Um but I think it's it's kind of on our, I mean, it's kind of on our website. 01:12:31.760 --> 01:12:34.479 I don't think it says like I'm a Christian. 01:12:34.800 --> 01:12:43.039 But um yeah, so I get that a lot, and it's really tricky, and I won't even pretend to say that I know the answer. 01:12:43.199 --> 01:12:51.840 I do want to say like I appreciate you sharing that because I imagine that I I mean I I can imagine that's so so so challenging. 01:12:52.319 --> 01:13:05.119 Um, and it's something I was gonna say when RJ brought this up is like even praying for your kiddos to have people other people to come into their life that are Christian influences, like maybe it doesn't need to be the therapist. 01:13:05.359 --> 01:13:07.359 Um, how old did you say, Shia? 01:13:08.960 --> 01:13:10.880 Well, and I think that's kind of different. 01:13:10.960 --> 01:13:22.560 Like, okay, if I was like consulting with you right now, I mean, as long as you're like paying for the therapy and she's like younger, I think that there's like a benefit of you negotiating like who she's gonna go see. 01:13:22.640 --> 01:13:24.880 So do we need to go to like the biblical counselor? 01:13:25.199 --> 01:13:27.359 Like, no, no, no. 01:13:27.520 --> 01:13:44.560 But like maybe I a lot of teens like to come to our office, and I work with a lot of like LGBTQ teens and you know, Christian, non-Christian, because we're not like a super overly like Christian practice, and so they'll be it kind of makes the parent happy and the kid happy, you know. 01:13:44.880 --> 01:13:46.960 Um, and maybe we could talk about that now. 01:13:47.119 --> 01:13:51.199 Obviously, if she's like 17, 18, 19, completely different story. 01:13:51.680 --> 01:14:03.520 Um, but I would say pray like praying for them to have like godly influences that come into their life in other weird ways, like maybe it's a coach, or maybe it's not gonna be an overtly like Christian environment. 01:14:03.680 --> 01:14:11.359 But I so I'm I I know I'm going way off the box here, but she's open to counseling? 01:14:11.600 --> 01:14:12.640 Yeah, she's anyhow. 01:14:13.359 --> 01:14:14.079 She's okay. 01:14:14.560 --> 01:14:19.039 She had one, but so what I would I mean, yeah. 01:14:19.119 --> 01:14:33.600 So what I would consider is like maybe giving her a couple options and like sitting down with her and talking through her and saying, like, hey, you read these and you pick, and there's I don't know of any goth therapists that like are gonna and I'm not trying to make it. 01:14:33.680 --> 01:14:38.560 But you probably have to, you probably you'd have to weed out any super Christian counselors. 01:14:38.800 --> 01:14:42.000 I mean you'd have to find a counselor who is a Christian, right? 01:14:42.079 --> 01:14:45.119 That's that's so it's gonna be acceptable to her, but acceptable to you. 01:14:45.439 --> 01:14:45.520 Yeah. 01:14:46.560 --> 01:14:51.600 And like explicit and implicit Christian counseling is very different, right? 01:14:51.680 --> 01:14:55.680 So I would say that like we kind of go from the lens of what the client needs. 01:14:55.840 --> 01:15:02.239 Like we're not gonna try and convert anybody or anything like that, but if that's something that a client needs and is willing to talk about, then we do. 01:15:02.399 --> 01:15:08.800 And if they don't, then we love them from a Christian lens and we talk to them through that, but not with the same language. 01:15:09.199 --> 01:15:10.720 Um, if that makes sense. 01:15:10.960 --> 01:15:17.199 Yeah, all all truth is God's truth, and we can counsel from that perspective without quoting chapter and verse. 01:15:17.279 --> 01:15:26.479 Um, but at the same time, I I think this actually goes back to something we've been probably missing throughout a lot of these questions, is trying as best we can to find a compromise. 01:15:26.640 --> 01:15:45.840 And a compromise is where both parties are giving up something and receiving something, and you are the parent, and we are going to be giving less than they should be giving because they're the kid, and so we have the we're the adult, our our frontal cortexes are fully formed, right? 01:15:46.399 --> 01:15:47.600 Mostly, some of us. 01:15:47.840 --> 01:15:58.159 Um and so there is an aspect though of like, hey, I am willing to move a little bit towards you, but I also need some willingness for you to move towards me and to find some kind of middle ground. 01:15:58.319 --> 01:16:06.800 I'm sure you may have done this, but I think then creating options of like, hey, I'm willing for you to c maybe go see these five, and then you can choose from there. 01:16:06.960 --> 01:16:08.800 I don't know, but that's a really hard space. 01:16:14.560 --> 01:16:16.399 Yeah, yeah. 01:16:16.880 --> 01:16:23.119 Yeah, and I think maybe what I hear even a little bit from what you're saying is the the stigma of counseling in general. 01:16:23.279 --> 01:16:28.239 And it's like counseling is a place where we don't always have to go when we're not doing well, right? 01:16:28.399 --> 01:16:34.159 In counseling, I get to I'm very grateful for the space that I have with my clients where we get to celebrate successes. 01:16:34.319 --> 01:16:42.479 And some of my high schoolers that are going to college, it's like, oh my gosh, they brought in their acceptance letter and they're like jumping up and down in the room, and it's a lot of fun. 01:16:42.880 --> 01:16:51.119 But it is a place where we can have an objective relationship, someone who is going to be non-judgmental, always accept us no matter what. 01:16:51.279 --> 01:16:54.720 And maybe it is an opportunity of like, hey, there is a season. 01:16:54.960 --> 01:16:58.560 Counseling is also we have weird jobs. 01:16:58.720 --> 01:17:00.640 It is definitely weird to begin with. 01:17:00.800 --> 01:17:10.800 But the other weird aspect is that we are both trying to make and make a living for ourselves and retain clients, but also work ourselves out of a job with a client. 01:17:11.039 --> 01:17:17.119 It is not my intention that every single client I see should be coming weekly or twice a week or even every other week. 01:17:17.359 --> 01:17:20.239 There is a decrease of frequency within counseling. 01:17:20.319 --> 01:17:22.319 There always should be, in my opinion. 01:17:22.560 --> 01:17:26.319 And maybe it is like, hey, we've been a little bit more anxious lately. 01:17:26.479 --> 01:17:36.239 Maybe we just go for a season, and maybe it's for a few sessions and it's actually planting seeds and a good healthy experiences for counseling. 01:17:36.560 --> 01:17:44.720 So that way when there are things that come up further later in life that are a little bit more severe, I have something to point back to and say, ooh, that was actually a good experience. 01:17:44.880 --> 01:17:46.079 I'm gonna go back to it. 01:17:46.239 --> 01:17:55.520 Um I don't know if that helps answer the question, but well, yeah, like for me, my question would be like, what is the fear or the concern behind the question? 01:17:56.880 --> 01:17:57.119 Yeah. 01:17:59.600 --> 01:18:02.479 Yeah, that's what happens a lot with families that I work with. 01:18:02.720 --> 01:18:06.399 I used to work with a lot more littles, and I don't as much anymore. 01:18:06.560 --> 01:18:11.439 But you know, if you like Jonathan was saying, therapy can be really short term. 01:18:11.600 --> 01:18:19.439 You know, you have a parent appointment, and what's really cool with a lot of the parents that I work with is a lot more is even gained from the parent sessions. 01:18:19.520 --> 01:18:29.199 So I I call them like parent coaching, but it's just like the parent sessions of kind of giving you some tools as mom to like this is maybe what to look for. 01:18:29.359 --> 01:18:30.479 This sounds kind of normal. 01:18:30.640 --> 01:18:32.159 This maybe doesn't sound as normal. 01:18:32.319 --> 01:18:33.119 Do you know what I'm saying? 01:18:33.199 --> 01:18:40.640 Like from a professional who's hearing what you're seeing and working with you and partnering with you to kind of navigate that for a season. 01:18:40.880 --> 01:18:44.560 And then, like a lot of the littles that I used to work with, same thing. 01:18:44.640 --> 01:18:49.600 You know, we have a few sessions together, we get some good kind of tools and like some things set in place with mom and dad. 01:18:49.760 --> 01:18:53.600 And then, yeah, like a year later, they want to come back and see see you again. 01:18:53.680 --> 01:18:55.520 Or can I go and I'll get the email? 01:18:55.600 --> 01:18:57.760 You know, she wants to come back and see you again. 01:18:58.000 --> 01:18:59.520 This is this came up. 01:18:59.680 --> 01:19:05.520 Um, but I love what you're talking about as answering your question about like patterns versus maybe specific anxiety. 01:19:05.680 --> 01:19:14.880 I would I would encourage you maybe even if you're not already, not to get uh too crazy about it, but like maybe to start tracking like the frequency. 01:19:15.119 --> 01:19:17.600 And is this happening more days than not? 01:19:17.840 --> 01:19:25.039 Is this uh happening, are we seeing any themes or patterns around it's always at ballet class or you know, whatever? 01:19:25.279 --> 01:19:29.359 Because that's what I that's what I as a therapist would ask for anyway. 01:19:29.520 --> 01:19:38.159 So if you kind of start doing that and maybe go in and see somebody um and kind of bring that already, like because we are looking for like what are some of the themes? 01:19:38.239 --> 01:19:40.000 Like, is this happening more days than not? 01:19:40.159 --> 01:19:42.960 Like the frequency, the duration, like all of those things. 01:19:43.199 --> 01:19:44.319 So yeah. 01:19:44.880 --> 01:19:46.000 I hope that helps. 01:19:53.920 --> 01:19:55.840 I think it's like it's such a balance, right? 01:19:55.920 --> 01:20:02.079 Is what I'm hearing you say, like a balance between like validating those feelings and like listening and being there. 01:20:02.239 --> 01:20:13.680 Like I'm thinking for your girls, like like how amazing that they have you, you know, who's there to like I mean, truly, like who's there to listen to them and be there for them. 01:20:13.920 --> 01:20:28.640 But also like maybe encouraging, um, we don't want to dismiss it, like, which I don't I'm not hearing that you're doing that, but maybe encouraging, like, hey, uh, when and and modeling that. 01:20:28.880 --> 01:20:29.760 So what do you know? 01:20:29.840 --> 01:20:32.159 I would say, what do you do when you get really overwhelmed? 01:20:32.319 --> 01:20:32.880 Do you journal? 01:20:33.039 --> 01:20:33.760 Do you pray? 01:20:33.920 --> 01:20:36.079 Like, do you go, does mom go and take a walk? 01:20:36.319 --> 01:20:40.880 Like, I know I'm like, I get on my my little Peloton and work it out. 01:20:41.840 --> 01:20:44.399 Um, so you know, what do you model? 01:20:44.479 --> 01:20:48.319 And then maybe encouraging your girls to kind of find some of those like coping skills. 01:20:48.399 --> 01:20:52.000 So if it's a really overwhelming day, like let's talk about it, let's cry it out. 01:20:52.079 --> 01:20:55.439 But then maybe they need like a 15-minute little journal break. 01:20:55.520 --> 01:21:03.600 And you're modeling that, but you're also encouraging them in those healthy coping skills that they're gonna use in college, that they're gonna use one day later on. 01:21:03.760 --> 01:21:09.760 Um, and the other thing I'll say, I say this to parents a lot, but I think of it like the military. 01:21:10.079 --> 01:21:14.560 So, you know, right now you're in the marines and you are like in the trenches. 01:21:14.720 --> 01:21:15.920 Are Marines in trenches? 01:21:16.000 --> 01:21:21.359 I don't know, but you're like in the trenches, it's exhausting, you know. 01:21:21.520 --> 01:21:29.279 And then one day you're gonna be in the reserves and your girls will call you when they need you, like I do with my mom all the time. 01:21:29.760 --> 01:21:31.680 Um, and so it is draining. 01:21:31.760 --> 01:21:37.760 Like I want to validate and normalize that too, because like you're in the middle of it right now. 01:21:38.239 --> 01:21:45.760 Um, and everything that you're doing is helping to set them up to not not need you as much one day, which is gonna be really cool. 01:21:46.000 --> 01:21:56.479 So just encouraging them to like lean on God or journal or like whatever they need to do, um, and maybe you guys explore that together is like what would be helpful for them having a conversation about it. 01:21:59.920 --> 01:22:01.039 One last question. 01:22:04.000 --> 01:22:11.279 I would say to me, it's similar to like an on-ramp, you know, the same thing we're talking about with other boundaries or social media. 01:22:11.439 --> 01:22:27.039 So maybe if there's um small ways that you can start handing some stuff off to her, again, like we don't want to like overload and then we have a big failure, and like, you know, that pours into like, oh my gosh, I'm an awful person, shame. 01:22:27.439 --> 01:22:46.880 But if there's kind of like small things that you can start to navigate with her, like maybe keeping a planner like with school or helping her navigate her backpack and like organizing that, folding her clothes, you know, not everything all at once, but if there's like the best thing to do is like baby stepping. 01:22:47.039 --> 01:22:52.720 So we don't want to, I I know I said it earlier, but we don't want to like merge onto 75 like all at once. 01:22:52.880 --> 01:22:56.239 We want to have kind of like this guided on-ramp. 01:22:56.399 --> 01:23:15.760 And so I would encourage you, like, the thing that I do when I'm meeting with parents is like maybe having like a mom and dad meeting of like what can we brainstorm like some different ideas that we have, things that would help her be more organized, things we could pass off to her, and then maybe you kind of bring those at the more like negotiation type meeting. 01:23:15.840 --> 01:23:22.159 I know you said she's younger, but um, and let her kind of pick out of mom and dad's list. 01:23:22.399 --> 01:23:34.000 Same thing with finding the counselor, you know, you kind of have the big list, and then let her kind of pick out what works for her, and then continue to add on maybe some more things as she's getting those things down. 01:23:35.439 --> 01:23:43.119 The only thing that I would add too is I think that like the culture that we're in is so busy, busy, busy go, go, go, sign your kids up for everything. 01:23:43.359 --> 01:23:49.920 And maybe just taking a moment for us to like slow down and say, like, the kid doesn't need to be in everything. 01:23:50.079 --> 01:23:56.000 We don't need to put so much pressure because we're trying to compare them to what our neighbors' kids are doing, what other family kids are doing. 01:23:56.159 --> 01:24:03.840 But like, is that do we want to raise kids that think like we do with how busy we are and how much we push that? 01:24:04.000 --> 01:24:18.399 Because if we don't want to do that, then let's talk about it as a family and let's maybe it's like, hey, maybe we don't, maybe we don't need to do soccer this season, you know, like taking the time to actually be intentional about that instead of just never stopping, never slowing down. 01:24:18.640 --> 01:24:26.560 I mean, we see it in burnout in adults, we see it burnout in kids, um, to where they quit the things that they used to love because they're doing so much. 01:24:26.720 --> 01:24:37.199 I mean, even my daughter, at times she's like, she does too much, and like she'll she'll she gets extremely exhausted and she's 13, so we're gonna get a little mood, right? 01:24:37.359 --> 01:24:44.079 Like, a lot of mood sometimes, but that part of that's on us too, and saying, like, maybe we need to slow down a little bit. 01:24:44.239 --> 01:24:55.119 Like, I think a good message for all of us and the parents included is like, man, we need that time to slow down, we need that time to rest, we need that time to realign and say, like, what's really important to us? 01:24:55.279 --> 01:24:58.640 What do we want to impart onto our kids and what how do we want to live our lives? 01:24:58.800 --> 01:25:01.680 We're the models, they're gonna follow what we follow. 01:25:01.840 --> 01:25:06.960 If we act chaotic, and you know, when people ask us how we're doing, we say we're busy and we act exhausted. 01:25:07.119 --> 01:25:08.399 That's normal for them, right? 01:25:08.479 --> 01:25:13.600 They're learning that the normal is busy, exhausted, overrun, never slowing down. 01:25:13.760 --> 01:25:18.319 So think for yourselves like what do I how do I want my kids to live past this? 01:25:18.479 --> 01:25:22.239 And if if it's different than I'm doing now, like maybe I need to make some changes myself. 01:25:23.119 --> 01:25:25.279 Yeah, more things is not always better. 01:25:25.520 --> 01:25:30.479 It is being intentional with our time, being intentional with them, the time that we have with them. 01:25:30.800 --> 01:25:52.640 I think the other thing when we are creating those boundaries, something I would encourage us to do is to have that discussion together and trying to, again, compromise as best we can, getting their buy-in and what we're choosing to do, and then modeling, okay, I'm willing to move a little bit and then have them move towards us, right? 01:25:53.199 --> 01:25:56.560 When we talk about boundaries, it's trying to create that boundary together. 01:25:57.039 --> 01:26:03.359 And then something like Nicole was saying is from a previously chosen list, right? 01:26:03.520 --> 01:26:09.439 Similar to the therapist, it's like we chose these six, you get the freedom of choosing from these six. 01:26:09.760 --> 01:26:12.560 And age appropriateness within that choice. 01:26:12.720 --> 01:26:19.119 It's like with uh my three five-year-old niece, it's like, do you want to wear this yellow shirt or this red shirt? 01:26:19.359 --> 01:26:21.920 And it's like, oh, I really want to wear the red shirt. 01:26:22.000 --> 01:26:23.680 Great, you get to wear the red shirt. 01:26:23.920 --> 01:26:27.439 And it's like, do you want to wear the pink bottoms or the black bottoms? 01:26:27.600 --> 01:26:27.920 Black. 01:26:28.079 --> 01:26:28.640 Okay, cool. 01:26:28.720 --> 01:26:32.560 You now you've picked your outfit, but I've kind of helped and guided you pick that outfit. 01:26:32.720 --> 01:26:34.319 And that's for my little niece. 01:26:34.479 --> 01:26:37.279 But and then what does that look like for a preteen? 01:26:37.439 --> 01:26:40.319 It's okay, you've got all of these different things. 01:26:40.720 --> 01:26:44.079 What do you want to be, you know, in control of within your schedule? 01:26:44.399 --> 01:26:46.880 I want to be in control of when I hang out with my my friend. 01:26:47.119 --> 01:26:47.840 Okay, that's great. 01:26:47.920 --> 01:26:53.359 Let's talk through that and kind of then working through and coming to those decisions together. 01:26:53.920 --> 01:26:54.560 That's great. 01:26:54.640 --> 01:26:55.119 Thank you. 01:26:55.439 --> 01:26:56.880 All right, thank you for being here. 01:26:56.960 --> 01:27:00.880 Let me pray for you guys uh and myself and all of us, real quick. 01:27:01.039 --> 01:27:04.560 God, thank you that you have called us to parent well. 01:27:04.800 --> 01:27:05.520 Help us. 01:27:05.680 --> 01:27:06.560 We need help. 01:27:06.640 --> 01:27:09.039 We need your grace and mercy upon ourselves first. 01:27:09.279 --> 01:27:15.119 Help us to be uh parents of truth and grace and mercy to our children. 01:27:15.279 --> 01:27:19.039 Help us to love them well, help us to release them to you in greater ways. 01:27:19.359 --> 01:27:20.319 Praise in Jesus' name. 01:27:20.560 --> 01:27:20.880 Amen. 01:27:21.199 --> 01:27:21.840 Thanks for being here. 01:27:22.159 --> 01:27:22.960 Have a good week.