WEBVTT 00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:08.160 Since I don't have your Jonathan Edwards booming low timbre Georgia dog voice, welcome, welcome. 00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:09.519 We'll get all oriented here. 00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:11.519 You didn't have to all of a sudden get super quiet. 00:00:11.759 --> 00:00:20.399 Just uh just want to make good use of y'all's time and uh share and make plenty of time for any kind of QA you might have. 00:00:20.559 --> 00:00:21.920 So just glad you're here. 00:00:22.160 --> 00:00:25.120 Um Rush, you you are are we good to go? 00:00:25.519 --> 00:00:26.399 Okay, well, good. 00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:27.760 Well, um welcome. 00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:35.520 And um this is a conversation basically about the implications of God's grace for our parenting. 00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:42.640 And I should put that into context for you a little bit, let you know about my family story in terms of my wife, Darlena mentioned this morning. 00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:46.240 She and I, our next will be our 48th anniversary. 00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:50.799 We have two adult kids, a daughter, Kristen, who's 43, who's a single mom. 00:00:51.119 --> 00:00:58.159 She is the um mother of our oldest of three grandsons, Finn, Finley Ward Russell. 00:00:58.240 --> 00:01:03.679 Ward's my middle name, so Finn has our middle name, my mom's maiden name. 00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:11.359 Then we have our son Scott, who will be 40 in November, and he's married to Bailey, and they have Otis and Otto. 00:01:11.439 --> 00:01:15.920 So I've got three cool grandsons, Finn, Otis, and Otto. 00:01:16.239 --> 00:01:19.439 11, almost five, and almost three. 00:01:19.760 --> 00:01:29.359 Um Darlene and my journey in parenting uh is kind of parallels our understanding of an experience of God's grace. 00:01:30.239 --> 00:01:35.920 We both grew up in um significantly fractured families of origin. 00:01:36.159 --> 00:01:42.640 Uh, Darlene's family was marked by alcoholism, early divorce, probably some mental illness. 00:01:42.879 --> 00:01:51.920 She was the youngest of three girls, and got put into the role in her family system of um pretty much being hero caretaker. 00:01:52.079 --> 00:02:01.280 If if if any of you here, and I'm sure that would be some of you, have grown up in uh family systems impacted by addiction, you know that there's just roles that emerge. 00:02:01.439 --> 00:02:03.760 You sometimes choose, sometimes are put on you. 00:02:03.840 --> 00:02:12.479 And Darlene was the youngest of three daughters in that uh peacemaker role, especially after her parents' divorce when she was about, I think, five. 00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:18.159 Um, my family, some of you know my story, referenced just a little of it today. 00:02:18.240 --> 00:02:33.599 Uh, I have uh one sibling, a brother named Moose, that's not on his birth certificate, but in the eighth grade, he wore a hat of a character in the uh old show The Archies, and there was a guy named Moose, and my brother wore a moose hat. 00:02:33.759 --> 00:02:51.280 And uh he uh three years older, um my our mom killed when I was 11, he was 14 in a head-owned car crash, and what impacted the world we grew up in uh was my dad did not mention her name for 39 years after she died. 00:02:51.360 --> 00:03:03.199 He just shut down in a real depression, continued to function as a professional photographer, but um we never as a father and two boys knew how to grieve. 00:03:03.439 --> 00:03:16.000 So just broad brush speaking, Darlene and I uh came to the Lord with some significant uh story impact that that later uh we would begin to process. 00:03:16.319 --> 00:03:26.080 In fact, uh it might have been helpful this morning, even talking about that great passage in 1 John 3 that will lead us through even a part of what we're gonna do today. 00:03:26.240 --> 00:03:32.000 Uh God's love meets us in different seasons in terms of comfort and healing. 00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:40.800 And uh, Darlene and I have done most of our growth in grace and therefore thinking about our parenting 25 years into our marriage. 00:03:41.039 --> 00:03:53.520 Really, our biggest breakthrough in terms of understanding, we've got stuff we never dealt with that's fueling some fears and some control issues as parents. 00:03:54.000 --> 00:04:12.719 And uh, so a part of our parenting story is being reparented by God the Father and looking back when our kids were real young, how we did everything we thought Christian parents should do to protect our kids from what we experienced. 00:04:13.280 --> 00:04:16.160 And that was to, you know, insulate their world. 00:04:16.240 --> 00:04:24.959 And again, there were just a lot of things we were reacting to even before we more fully understood the God of all grace. 00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:36.079 So that's a real broad brush introduction to the fact that a part of this conversation will in time run through you processing more. 00:04:36.240 --> 00:04:41.600 So what what what is the um what's the name in the face of some of your fears? 00:04:41.759 --> 00:04:45.680 What are you reacting to when you think about being parents? 00:04:45.839 --> 00:04:52.000 What are some of the recurring themes for which the gospel will be important? 00:04:52.160 --> 00:04:53.839 So that's kind of how we're gonna go today. 00:04:54.000 --> 00:04:55.279 You've got an outline. 00:04:55.920 --> 00:05:07.759 Um I want to pray for us, then I'm gonna go through this material and like I said, uh honoring the fact that we all turn into pumpkins at 545, I think it is. 00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:09.360 Is that legally what we have? 00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:17.759 We will have a conversation before then, and then I'll go to the airport and fly home to Nashville and get up tomorrow morning to teach our new class of Nashville fellows, which I'm excited about. 00:05:17.839 --> 00:05:19.680 So, but let me pray right now. 00:05:20.160 --> 00:05:35.920 Father, thank you so much for this church, which is becoming increasingly endearing to my heart, and thank you for Russ and Christy and um just the wisdom of the elders of this church to help build our friendship and relationship. 00:05:36.079 --> 00:06:15.600 Um, pray now for this visit this afternoon, Lord, that uh it would be uh the gospel of your grace and you, the God of all grace, that would really free us, inform us, help us to understand uh, Heavenly Father, how you are the perfect Father, and you meet us in our self-righteousness and rigidity, and you meet us in the deep, deep regrets we have about choices we've made and perhaps things we've already done and patterns that seem to be hard to break already, as we are at times overwhelmingly frustrated in our call to love our babies. 00:06:15.680 --> 00:06:25.920 So, uh Lord, invade this time, pray these words recorded would be even helpful to others rethinking through this afternoon or those that could not be with us. 00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:29.920 We offer praise in the name of Jesus and for his glory. 00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:30.800 Amen. 00:06:31.839 --> 00:06:42.480 Well, if you would follow with your outline, this will once again keep me on point, my lanes, so that will help at least in a brief time say, here are some things to consider. 00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:45.600 Now, I will mention a few books just as a follow-up. 00:06:45.759 --> 00:06:49.439 I mean, how much can we hope to do in an hour and seven minutes? 00:06:49.600 --> 00:06:56.720 Well, we really can hope to do a lot, because you know, I think every time we gather, it's about continuing a process and resourcing. 00:06:56.800 --> 00:07:04.480 So I'll mention some things that hopefully will be helpful, but especially starting with kind of picking up where we left off this morning. 00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:08.959 Gospel-shaped parenting, what's grace got to do with it? 00:07:09.199 --> 00:07:13.439 The Bible consistently affirms this great relational truth. 00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:23.600 God's loving relationship with us in Jesus is meant to impact and shape how we relate to everyone, including our children. 00:07:23.839 --> 00:07:29.439 Now, here's just a few select passages that kind of will further make that the issue. 00:07:29.600 --> 00:07:42.959 Because I can promise you this if you only hear one thing that I will say in the next hour, it will be for all of us as we come more fully alive to the love of God our Father for us. 00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:47.279 That is the best gift we will give our kids at any age and stage. 00:07:47.519 --> 00:07:59.279 I'm seeing that now with a 43-year-old daughter that's a divorcee, and walk through some choices that I would have never wished she made, and how God is just really uh helping us become dear friends. 00:07:59.439 --> 00:08:03.360 And uh so that being said, let's go right to the scripture. 00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:05.839 So here's some images of who our God is. 00:08:06.720 --> 00:08:18.560 Luke 15, 20, and while he, this is the younger prodigal son, was still a long way off, his father saw him coming, filled with love and compassion. 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:24.000 He ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. 00:08:24.399 --> 00:08:27.600 Now I want you to think about this passage and others in two ways. 00:08:27.759 --> 00:08:33.440 Number one, this is the way God your father thinks about you tonight. 00:08:34.799 --> 00:08:43.279 He's not ashamed of you, he's not rolling his eyes, he's rolling up his skirt to run towards you. 00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:59.039 Whether you are filled with rigidity and fear and self-righteous and controlling your kids, or whether you just again assume if anybody in this room really knew your past and your present, they would trade you in for a diet coke. 00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:07.600 Whoever you are, the father wants you to know this is how he relates to you now in your calling to be a parent, but just for you. 00:09:07.759 --> 00:09:16.960 And and and we want to believe this because you see, if this is the way God loves his kids, this is the way he's gonna love his kids through us. 00:09:17.279 --> 00:09:18.399 And it's not easy. 00:09:18.559 --> 00:09:24.000 I mean, this is not a cliche, this isn't just a refrigerator verse you put there just off in reference. 00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:34.480 This is, Lord, help me learn to love my easy kids, and my kids that sometimes I think are demon-possessed to your glory. 00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:37.519 How through all the seasons of parenting? 00:09:37.840 --> 00:09:49.200 And uh in four decades of parenting, you know, we we've, Darlene and I have been the kids that the father's had to run after, and we've had kids that he's had to run after through us. 00:09:49.679 --> 00:09:56.960 Passage we saw this morning, uh meditated on that um Russ will pick up and move forward in the text next week. 00:09:57.200 --> 00:10:03.200 See what great love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called the children of God. 00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:05.039 And that is what we are. 00:10:05.600 --> 00:10:11.440 Pondering, looking, moving forward as a congregation in your own life to really to behold that love. 00:10:11.519 --> 00:10:19.919 And see, that love's going to meet you in the utter privilege of parenting, and then when absolutely it does feel like too much. 00:10:20.080 --> 00:10:21.440 It'll be the lens of grace. 00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:26.240 It'll be learning more about his great love that won't shape us. 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:33.200 Romans 8, 15 and 16 reminds us of the Spirit's work and our lives to help us come alive to this love. 00:10:33.519 --> 00:10:40.720 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship. 00:10:41.360 --> 00:10:48.879 And by him, which means by the Holy Spirit, who lives inside of every believer, we cry, Abba, Father. 00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:53.600 The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 00:10:53.919 --> 00:10:57.120 God is utterly convinced to reparent us. 00:10:57.279 --> 00:11:02.000 He is committed, convinced, he is supplying, he's resourcing that process. 00:11:02.159 --> 00:11:10.399 And every single day the Spirit is saying to your heart, whether you're listening to it or not, how much God loves you. 00:11:10.639 --> 00:11:19.200 And when you are blowing it, and when you are absolutely living a life that you think would be commendable. 00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:32.320 And realizing how grace sabotages a lot of the fears, including our fears of parenting. 00:11:32.639 --> 00:11:36.240 Later in chapter 3 in 1 John, Russ will come to this soon. 00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:46.480 Flowing out of this great text, um, John says something like this, very beautifully says, Um, perfect love drives out our fears, including our fears of parenting. 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:48.000 And would you agree with me? 00:11:48.080 --> 00:11:50.000 There are fears associated with parenting. 00:11:50.080 --> 00:11:51.759 Please tell me I'm not alone here. 00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:55.279 I mean, you know, and and and there should be caution. 00:11:55.360 --> 00:11:59.600 Don't hear me say, get over your fears. 00:11:59.919 --> 00:12:11.200 Uh no, I would rather say own your fears, understand appropriate caution, but let's learn together that it's going to take a community to help us raise each other's kids. 00:12:11.440 --> 00:12:13.360 So a little bit more about that. 00:12:14.080 --> 00:12:16.799 This next passage, Colossians 3.13. 00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:23.519 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. 00:12:23.679 --> 00:12:25.840 Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 00:12:26.480 --> 00:12:32.080 As parents, one of our callings is to learn to be quick forgivers because God deeply forgives us. 00:12:32.399 --> 00:12:47.360 Uh, not parental denial, not overlooking stuff you dare not overlook, but we're gonna stay alive to the way God our Father forgives us to ponder the journey of how do we put a culture of grace into our home. 00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:49.200 And we'll talk more about that. 00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:53.279 Luke 6.35, here's another great picture of our father. 00:12:53.759 --> 00:12:58.080 Be merciful just as your father is merciful. 00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:05.120 Um, I didn't grow up with an earthly father that really showed me the face of mercy. 00:13:05.200 --> 00:13:07.919 And I don't say that cynically. 00:13:08.080 --> 00:13:21.279 Uh, fortunately, when he was 81 and I was 50, my dad and I had a remarkable breakthrough and finally going to mom's grave together and finally weeping together and doing that heart and heart work that was long delayed. 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:36.960 I can encourage you that that God um can break in your heart the patterns of just being overly defined by how you either were or were not parented well, by your mom or your dad or both. 00:13:37.039 --> 00:13:49.360 And that's just been a part of both Darling and my story, and uh that's just an important thing for us to know that mercy, see, mercy is two things in the scripture, and we need to know this about our God. 00:13:50.320 --> 00:14:00.320 Mercy is not getting, mercy is not giving us what we deserve, but it's also supplying us with the compassion we desperately need. 00:14:00.559 --> 00:14:09.759 You know, mercy is the good Samaritan showing up and extending resource and investing in the face of brokenness, right? 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:16.320 Really, it's it's it's it's investing, it's spending when someone has no capacity to pay you back. 00:14:16.559 --> 00:14:23.279 But it's also an attitude and a merciful heart for you and for me is going to be born out of. 00:14:23.519 --> 00:14:29.519 How is how does God love me in his tough love and his severe mercy? 00:14:29.679 --> 00:14:36.399 And how can I, in the various seasons of parenting, really learn to want to cultivate that heart now? 00:14:36.559 --> 00:14:39.759 Because I can promise you, I mean, how many of you right now parent teenagers? 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:40.240 How many? 00:14:40.399 --> 00:14:41.120 A few of you, okay. 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:42.960 So you're okay, you're you're in the rodeo. 00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:51.600 You're in, you know, you're beginning to taste the wonder of the fact that, you know, the ones that used to cuddle up to you now are embarrassed to walk with you publicly. 00:14:51.759 --> 00:14:55.600 So you're gonna you're gonna go through many different zones and seasons. 00:14:55.840 --> 00:15:14.240 And uh, and I wish, you know, I thought I wish I thought about earlier having um Russ Lode a picture taken this past Easter at Alice Beach, where I've led a uh Easter outreach for the last seven years, and just the picture of our family now of these faces and these stories of saying, we actually love being together now. 00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:18.799 And we don't see everything all the same way, but God is merciful, you guys. 00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:26.639 I want you I just you need to know, in relationship with our father, not hoping is not optional. 00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:29.919 And I know that's a double negative, so you English majors, forgive me. 00:15:30.080 --> 00:15:31.919 But let me say it again slowly. 00:15:32.480 --> 00:15:37.600 In relationship with this father, not hoping is an option. 00:15:37.840 --> 00:15:39.360 Not hoping is not an option. 00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:41.360 We are wired for hope. 00:15:41.600 --> 00:15:44.799 Not hype, but true hope. 00:15:45.120 --> 00:15:52.799 So as God reparents us in the gospel, here are some things, some of the things we will begin to see, believe, and practice. 00:15:52.879 --> 00:16:02.159 And these are now, broadly speaking, a storyboard for parenting, but certainly some concepts that I would love for us to chat about a little bit. 00:16:02.320 --> 00:16:14.559 So uh again, think about parenting your kids at every age and stage, the way you are being reparented now by God the Father. 00:16:14.720 --> 00:16:16.320 Now, what might this look like? 00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:25.919 Well, when we begin to see ourselves and our children as God sees us through the lens of creation and redemption, some good stuff happens, starting with this. 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:26.480 Look at A. 00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:37.200 What God says about us must have more power over our hearts than what anybody else thinks or says, including our kids. 00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:58.159 One of the, let me encourage you now, one of the things you want to begin to own as a directive of your heart is to not give your kids power or to take back the power you've given your kids to either make you absolutely joyful or absolutely depressed. 00:16:58.720 --> 00:17:07.839 Um because of fear, because of our own stories, because of the world we live in, it's easy to fall into codependent styles of parenting. 00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:15.200 And if your main goal as a parent is to have your kids as your best friends for the rest of your life, you know, you need to give up on that. 00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:23.599 Not that they're not gonna be, but if if if the you if you relate to your kids primarily to get something from them, i.e. 00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:30.480 affirmation, validity, and all that, you're gonna be using your kids more than loving your kids. 00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:36.559 And you see, this is why this theme in the gospel is as our God loves us, so let us love. 00:17:36.720 --> 00:17:40.799 Uh as we come alive to his grace, so let us learn to extend grace. 00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:46.720 And uh again, as you'll see as we chat, that's not always easy, but it is an orientation. 00:17:46.880 --> 00:17:55.440 Uh, we want to absolutely die to the theme over and over and over of validation by parenting. 00:17:55.759 --> 00:17:58.480 And uh we can do that in community real well. 00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:02.720 Here's another aspect of again the first of uh five affirmations. 00:18:02.880 --> 00:18:18.400 Uh, as we are being reparented as we think about creation and redemption, B, every child is an image-bearer of God, each with a unique design, dignity, and beauty, though marred and hidden by sin. 00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:22.480 Don't be shocked at how different your kids may be from you. 00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:25.200 They're made in God's image. 00:18:25.440 --> 00:18:29.839 Let's not try to remake them into our image or that of our culture. 00:18:30.720 --> 00:18:42.079 That's just a good way of thinking about the Bible says that, you know, first of all, uh our children, according to God, are far more his inheritance than our Plato. 00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:45.839 So uh He loves them more than you love them. 00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:47.839 God does, He really does. 00:18:48.079 --> 00:18:52.640 And He declares our kids to be a gift to us and His inheritance. 00:18:52.880 --> 00:18:54.559 So they're made in His image. 00:18:54.720 --> 00:18:58.880 Uh my two kids, uh Scott and Kristen, are so different from each other. 00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:01.440 Now, similar in some ways, but so different. 00:19:01.519 --> 00:19:06.799 And I think early on for Darlene and I, we knew what we wanted them to be like in temperament, right? 00:19:07.039 --> 00:19:14.720 Would you not all love compliant children that rise up and call you blessed and say, Oh mom, it's okay, you stay seated. 00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:16.480 I'm gonna go tuck myself in tonight. 00:19:16.559 --> 00:19:18.319 You've had a full day. 00:19:18.480 --> 00:19:20.720 You know, I'll read to myself tonight. 00:19:20.880 --> 00:19:23.440 You just have another nice little hot toddy or something. 00:19:23.519 --> 00:19:32.559 But, you know, there's just, you know, we we um we want an easier life because it will make us feel better about ourselves. 00:19:32.640 --> 00:19:33.920 And and and you know what? 00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:50.640 Some of the things you're gonna begin to see in your children's lives, temperament-wise or you know, and and the language now the world of Myers, Briggs and Enneagrams, and I think those kinds of tools can be helpful to at least give us respect for the image of God looks different. 00:19:50.960 --> 00:20:06.640 And uh and through the gospel, we begin to see our kids, you know, when their attitude or their style is different than us and it contradicts our personality, uh, we don't take that necessarily as quickly personally as though we did something wrong. 00:20:06.880 --> 00:20:11.039 One of the great stories out of the Great Awakening was the story of George Whitfield. 00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:25.119 If you know anything about the great movement of God's spirit in England and in America, uh one of the uh Englishmen who was a really kind man, um, his name was George Whitfield, and uh God gave him an amazing gift. 00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:29.359 I mean, he before there was amplification, he preached during the Great Awakening. 00:20:29.599 --> 00:20:32.720 20,000 people at a time could hear him speak. 00:20:33.039 --> 00:20:40.079 Ben Franklin got to know George Whitfield and actually climbed up in a tree a quarter of a mile from George Whitfield and heard him preach. 00:20:40.160 --> 00:20:43.440 He said, I just want to hear how far I can stand from this man. 00:20:43.759 --> 00:20:54.400 You know, his life began as about a 10-year-old kid that used to take a pot and pan, run around the outside of his English church, beating it, trying to disrupt the worship service. 00:20:55.759 --> 00:21:08.720 An elder came out to stop this activity and basically said to him, I cannot wait to see what God's gonna do with your passion when his grace gets a hold of your heart. 00:21:09.039 --> 00:21:10.880 That would not have been my instinct. 00:21:11.039 --> 00:21:13.519 I've been the pastor embarrassed, I'm gonna lose my job. 00:21:13.599 --> 00:21:14.400 What are you thinking? 00:21:14.480 --> 00:21:18.480 You know, you know, go, you know, put a lid on it, you know, what are you thinking? 00:21:18.559 --> 00:21:19.839 You're embarrassing the family. 00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:25.039 Now, I'm not saying, I mean, that's an illustration, but it's an orientation. 00:21:25.599 --> 00:21:53.279 You know, um, begin to ask God to show you now, Lord, what's, you know, what what how can I begin to honor the fact that before I had any chance to mess up my kids, you've given them a DNA, you've given them calling, you've you've given, you've given them a dignity and a beauty that sometimes the parts of parenting that really make life just exceedingly exhausting, I just don't see as easily. 00:21:53.519 --> 00:21:55.519 So again, we're we're talking orientation. 00:21:55.680 --> 00:21:59.680 What grace has got a lot to do with everything, because it rewires. 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:00.240 Us. 00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:07.599 It just kind of exposes and then contradicts our instinctive ways of in a culture of performances of what we would typically do. 00:22:09.119 --> 00:22:27.519 So, you know, again, first of five, as God parents us, as we grow in grace together, as we grow in the Lord, as you continue to say, I want a heart shaped by grace, not by law, these will be some of the things you'll begin to say, Lord, help me, help us together and Redeemer. 00:22:27.759 --> 00:22:32.079 Love our children well and love each other's children well, because it is community. 00:22:32.319 --> 00:22:55.839 Number two, as we grow in the gospel and understand more and more what that means and process more of our own stories and family of origin experiences and being parented and get some healing and freedom, we'll learn to parent as unto the Lord, as an act of worship, not as a means of self-validation. 00:22:56.240 --> 00:22:58.960 None of us is the fourth member of the Trinity. 00:22:59.119 --> 00:23:06.160 We plant gospel seed, watering with our prayers and love, but only God can cause growth. 00:23:06.319 --> 00:23:13.440 Luke 15 reminds us that a good father can weigh, can raise a wild child and a self-righteous prig. 00:23:13.839 --> 00:23:15.920 Never lose that when you read Luke 15. 00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:18.880 I mean, Jesus is saying, here's the best father. 00:23:19.039 --> 00:23:20.720 Look at two of his boys. 00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:35.279 So if you ever thought pragmatic parenting will guarantee, you know, a lot of us have heard the scripture, raise up a child in the way they should grow, and you know, in the end they won't depart or something. 00:23:35.359 --> 00:23:36.960 I mean, I'm kind of paraphrasing there. 00:23:37.599 --> 00:23:40.400 We've wrongly translated that into mean. 00:23:40.720 --> 00:23:44.079 Perfect parenting will raise perfect kids. 00:23:44.319 --> 00:23:46.880 So what do you conclude when your kids are wild? 00:23:47.119 --> 00:23:48.240 We screwed up. 00:23:48.480 --> 00:23:50.000 Or at least you did, you know. 00:23:50.079 --> 00:23:57.279 If you hadn't been so preoccupied, you know, we we're still like Adam and Eve blaming and shaming each other uh when we see failure. 00:23:57.359 --> 00:23:59.759 And we've got to break the cycle of blaming and shaming. 00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:05.759 We've got to understand, listen, our calling is to parent as unto the Lord, which would mean what? 00:24:06.559 --> 00:24:10.240 As you look at the one, three, five, or nine children you have. 00:24:10.799 --> 00:24:19.440 Um I say nine because I do have there, we have two friends back in Nashville that have nine kids, and they never raise their voice. 00:24:20.079 --> 00:24:21.039 It's amazing. 00:24:21.119 --> 00:24:24.480 They are creatures of another orbit or something. 00:24:24.559 --> 00:24:31.119 But anyway, but they really learned early on, this is a couple, Tom and Janice Gilman, to say, you know, these really aren't our kids. 00:24:33.039 --> 00:24:38.079 We're stewards of them, and they had a wide range of temperaments and stories and acting out. 00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:49.599 But they said, listen, when we dedicated these kids to the Lord, we said, Lord, we're gonna raise them uh as humbly, as honestly as we can, but they are yours. 00:24:49.759 --> 00:24:56.160 And and and we want uh as an act of worship, Lord, here's our daughter, Lord, help us to love her as unto you. 00:24:56.400 --> 00:25:03.599 And not again, not tying what we do or don't do primarily to how we think about us. 00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:06.720 I'm just saying, I'm just saying the same thing in many different ways. 00:25:06.880 --> 00:25:15.039 We've got to break the cycle of I am a schmuck or not to the degree my kids turn out well. 00:25:15.839 --> 00:25:19.440 Oh you want you absolutely work at parenting. 00:25:19.599 --> 00:25:22.400 You absolutely do, and you must, and we must. 00:25:22.640 --> 00:25:24.799 But loving them as under the Lord. 00:25:24.880 --> 00:25:26.799 Um parenting palms up. 00:25:27.039 --> 00:25:31.599 Palms up means uh uh you are as an act of worship, Lord, they are yours. 00:25:31.680 --> 00:25:32.559 Help me, Lord. 00:25:32.640 --> 00:25:35.599 I I I need, I take you at your word. 00:25:35.839 --> 00:25:38.400 In my weakness, your strength is made perfect. 00:25:38.480 --> 00:25:40.559 Uh I uh I come to you as weak. 00:25:40.640 --> 00:25:44.640 I uh I worship you, I praise you, but I also release them because they are yours. 00:25:44.880 --> 00:25:49.279 I'm not gonna hold so tightly that my kids feel strangled. 00:25:49.519 --> 00:26:03.200 So, you know, the the picture here of uh of consistently coming back to that place, of offering up our children and loving them, not assuming, again, if you do it right, you can predict the outcome. 00:26:03.359 --> 00:26:14.559 I can promise you this on our parenting journey, I know that Darlene and I were far more sincere in wanting to love our kids than at times we were capable of doing it. 00:26:14.799 --> 00:26:19.119 But the Lord always uses broken, humble beginnings. 00:26:19.440 --> 00:26:22.880 He always gives grace to the humble but resists the proud. 00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:25.519 So that's gonna be a theme within your parenting. 00:26:25.599 --> 00:26:30.799 You know, where is pride or where is humility and grace shaping what you do? 00:26:31.039 --> 00:26:37.759 Thirdly, and this is again just another aspect of our own living out before our kids. 00:26:37.920 --> 00:26:42.640 I mean, truly, with our kids, a lot more will be caught than taught. 00:26:42.880 --> 00:26:47.759 The culture of our home will mean more than simply all the confinements of our home. 00:26:47.839 --> 00:26:48.880 Now, what do I mean by that? 00:26:49.039 --> 00:27:03.200 Well, number three, as the Father continues to free us and heal us, and we're growing in a culture of grace, we'll begin to live as chief repenters before our children. 00:27:03.440 --> 00:27:13.440 As the Father's acceptance, forgiveness, and delight is more real to us, we'll be more comfortable living in humility, brokenness, and repentance before our children. 00:27:13.680 --> 00:27:18.640 We'll seem more authentic and real to our children and less fearful and controlling. 00:27:18.880 --> 00:27:20.160 Can I get an amen to that one? 00:27:20.240 --> 00:27:20.880 Wouldn't that be awesome? 00:27:20.960 --> 00:27:21.519 Just think about that. 00:27:21.920 --> 00:27:23.359 Wouldn't you like that for you? 00:27:23.759 --> 00:27:41.279 That God would work in your heart and my heart, that you in your partnership as parenting, wherever you are, so that your kids would be more likely to experience you as real and authentic and engaged and not as at not as fearful and controlling. 00:27:41.519 --> 00:27:52.720 And when you go to fear and control, when you know you've gone overboard with that in discipline or threat, uh, you'll more quickly be this language of chief repenter. 00:27:52.880 --> 00:27:56.400 I need to unpack that image because that sounds scary to some of us. 00:27:56.720 --> 00:28:11.839 Uh it's in quotations because my spiritual parents, Jack and Rosemary Miller, they kind of created that language as a way of saying uh we want our kids to taste the fact that we are comfortable saying, I am so sorry, I missed your heart, sweetheart. 00:28:12.160 --> 00:28:15.440 No, it's not okay the way I reacted to what you did. 00:28:15.519 --> 00:28:20.480 Now, what you did wasn't okay, but I shamed you rather than really sat with you. 00:28:20.640 --> 00:28:21.839 Will you forgive me? 00:28:22.079 --> 00:28:24.720 And uh, see, Jack and Rosa Marie did that. 00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:28.799 In fact, I should mention a great book if you've never heard of the book, Comeback Barbara. 00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:30.240 Any of you read Comeback Barbara? 00:28:30.319 --> 00:28:31.440 You even know that title? 00:28:31.599 --> 00:28:33.119 All right, that'd be a title to write down. 00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:38.640 I didn't give you titles, but if you are a note taker, one of you listening to the Elbow Sweetheart, get that one. 00:28:38.720 --> 00:29:06.240 Uh, Comeback Barbara tells the story of my spiritual father and his and his wild child daughter, Barbara, looking back on the season as a pastor and daughter, she threw away the faith, decided to move in with a junkie, moved to California to become a communist, and how God worked in their story uh to bring Barbara back to the Lord and a dialogue as a father and daughter looking back. 00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:07.440 So, what was it look like? 00:29:07.920 --> 00:29:13.680 How does Jack tell the story of here's where I was overprotective or overzealous just to preach at my daughter? 00:29:13.839 --> 00:29:18.799 Here's Barbara saying, here's how I knew dad loved me, but here's what I was dealing with. 00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:25.119 So sometimes stories of those that have leaned into this reality of restoration and renewal. 00:29:25.359 --> 00:29:34.799 And it's why Jack became, you know, this image of I want to be as a parent, as a pastor, the person that's comfortable saying, I need God's grace today. 00:29:34.960 --> 00:29:46.319 You know, I want my kids to taste the fact that I am going to be safe, not always happy, but I'll be safe when we need to do some important work together, you know, as parents. 00:29:46.640 --> 00:29:56.000 And uh see that this language begins to even help us think about the conversation of appropriate discipline and inappropriate discipline. 00:29:56.160 --> 00:30:03.920 And uh knowing this, that until our kids uh come to rest in the love of God for them, they're gonna they're gonna push your buttons. 00:30:04.160 --> 00:30:11.680 You know, um, they're image bearers of God, but they're fallen image bearers of God, and they want what they want when they want it, right? 00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:13.039 Just like you did. 00:30:13.359 --> 00:30:15.119 I mean, just look in the mirror. 00:30:15.279 --> 00:30:18.559 You know, um, some of your most important parenting is gonna be born out of. 00:30:18.720 --> 00:30:21.519 Do you remember when you were an absolute pill? 00:30:22.160 --> 00:30:29.839 Either an outlandish one pushing the parameters or just a quiet manipulator learning how to work the system to get your way. 00:30:30.240 --> 00:30:32.000 Just remember your own heart. 00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:38.240 And as you begin to see your kids, you know, live out before them this picture of repentance. 00:30:38.319 --> 00:30:51.519 It it is a beautiful thing when a parent uh can give their children not groveling but grace, when you can say, okay, listen, that I'm I'm not proud of how I did that. 00:30:51.680 --> 00:30:56.480 And and and it it, you know what, that's and when they see that, let me say this. 00:30:56.720 --> 00:31:03.279 If you are married, and you're here, some of you may be single parents, but if you are married, uh this works in y'all's relationship. 00:31:03.359 --> 00:31:31.119 If if you're if your kids can see you as a husband and wife uh saying I'm sorry to each other, uh, I didn't mean you air all the issues and conversations before your kids, but if you're if your kids see you as mom and dad demonstrating humility, being those who are comfortable saying, time out, honey, I have lost sight of the goal, and I'm right now just I'm not leading with my kindness, I'm leading with my rightness. 00:31:31.279 --> 00:31:32.240 Will you forgive me? 00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:35.519 Let's let's let's ramp this down. 00:31:35.680 --> 00:31:38.400 Uh I apologize for how I spoke to you. 00:31:38.640 --> 00:31:47.200 There are appropriate ways when our kids begin to see grace practice between parents that they say, wow, that smells good. 00:31:47.440 --> 00:31:49.759 And so that's that's gonna be a part of what I'm saying to you. 00:31:49.839 --> 00:31:59.440 It doesn't make you responsible for your kids' response, but you know, you typically control the thermostat more so than your kids do in your home, right? 00:31:59.599 --> 00:32:01.200 I mean the literal thermostat. 00:32:01.359 --> 00:32:04.400 They may want it to be 68 and you want it to be 73. 00:32:04.559 --> 00:32:06.160 I think your vote wins. 00:32:06.480 --> 00:32:08.559 But you see, there are other thermostats we want. 00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:09.599 What's the atmosphere? 00:32:09.759 --> 00:32:20.880 What's you know, I'm getting to know Russ and Christy better and being in their home and and and watching how they're seeking to do what I'm talking about here. 00:32:21.039 --> 00:32:33.200 One of the sweetest gifts I had this morning in their garage apartment was I get up every morning to write these gospel prayers about 4, 4:30, and I was immediately bummed out because the Wi-Fi wasn't on. 00:32:33.839 --> 00:32:36.240 Oh no, I require Wi-Fi to do life. 00:32:36.319 --> 00:32:38.960 You know, I've got to put these things up on the blog site. 00:32:39.039 --> 00:32:43.519 So I went to my hotspot, of course, thank you, iPhone technology, and you know, I was saved. 00:32:43.920 --> 00:32:55.519 But, you know, uh Russ said, oh yeah, you know, I forgot we we turn our Wi-Fi off at certain times so that as a way of loving our kids, there's just not open always access. 00:32:55.759 --> 00:32:56.640 But you know what? 00:32:56.799 --> 00:33:10.880 What I feel being, and I'm not trying to embarrass you guys or set you guys up because you'll confess your sin as fast as anybody, but what I'm watching, a culture of their home, because they know legalism, they know performances, and what they're saying, we want our home to be an environment. 00:33:11.039 --> 00:33:15.359 I'm seeing reality between them, the way they engage, the way they say. 00:33:15.839 --> 00:33:19.519 We want boundaries, not bob wire fences on our home. 00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:31.200 And we're gonna think through ways that will be directive and appropriately protective, but but not, you know, we're not treating our house as Fort God and we're gonna protect you against the world. 00:33:31.279 --> 00:33:35.039 No, we want you know, they're wanting to prepare those girls to live in the world. 00:33:35.200 --> 00:33:36.160 And so do you. 00:33:36.240 --> 00:33:40.319 But but again, Christy and Russ, thank you all for I know that's what you want. 00:33:40.720 --> 00:33:45.920 And and I know you would be there, you're sitting there screaming thinking, oh, if you really knew, Scotty C, you're a guest. 00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:52.720 You didn't see two days ago how we just blew up and were throwing, you know, cookie dough at each other because we were so frustrated. 00:33:53.200 --> 00:33:57.119 Point is direction, it's not the finished product. 00:33:57.440 --> 00:34:00.480 And so um this is a part of what it means. 00:34:00.559 --> 00:34:03.279 Uh be those that are comfortable. 00:34:03.759 --> 00:34:07.039 Four, and then on to five, and then we're gonna have some QA. 00:34:07.759 --> 00:34:17.519 Umber four or five, again, as we are rethinking or thinking through what grace has got to do with it, God Himself is a great father. 00:34:17.599 --> 00:34:24.800 Uh, we'll focus our parenting on our kids' hearts, not just on their behavior and achievements. 00:34:25.199 --> 00:34:31.280 All of us learn to treasure and trust something or someone as a way to make life work. 00:34:31.440 --> 00:34:34.400 That's really the essence of what it means to be worshippers. 00:34:34.559 --> 00:34:39.840 We treasure something and we live in view of those treasures, to get them or protect them. 00:34:40.159 --> 00:34:44.239 The battle for our hearts is unrelenting. 00:34:44.480 --> 00:34:49.920 Prayerfully, let's seek to reach our kids' hearts with the beauty, truth, and riches of Jesus. 00:34:50.239 --> 00:34:54.880 That will be more natural to us as we treasure and trust Jesus more and more. 00:34:55.119 --> 00:35:04.559 Now, look at let's again take, um, Russ and I are both fives with wing six on the enneagram, so we're always thinking up here, the big story, the big perspective. 00:35:04.639 --> 00:35:09.199 So let's bring it down for some of you, others that think more. 00:35:09.360 --> 00:35:12.880 Well, that's nice, but tell me how to do that or be more specific. 00:35:13.199 --> 00:35:25.679 So uh to focus on your the heart of your kid means that you're gonna be thinking now, so what have you consciously or unconsciously already determined success for your kids is gonna look like? 00:35:26.719 --> 00:35:39.039 If you either inherited or chose primarily sustaining and even building a certain socioeconomic wherewithal to say this will be what it will look like if my son is successful. 00:35:39.440 --> 00:35:43.920 He will own the company, he will not work in the company. 00:35:44.079 --> 00:35:54.880 And I know dads that are that way, I know dads that are going to heaven that absolutely love Jesus, but who don't realize that functionally they want Harvard more than heaven for their kids. 00:35:55.119 --> 00:35:55.760 You know what? 00:35:55.920 --> 00:35:57.920 Your kids may teach at Harvard. 00:35:58.320 --> 00:36:08.079 Your kids may uh be those that will unlock the final mystery of the DNA of Alzheimer's and it will be eliminated in this generation. 00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:12.400 Your kids may not live at the same socioeconomic place you live. 00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:14.960 They may not be able to afford to live in Marietta. 00:36:15.119 --> 00:36:17.119 Will you feel like you failed? 00:36:17.440 --> 00:36:23.920 See, this is just a start of what thinking out what do you what do we want for our kids, even unknowingly? 00:36:24.079 --> 00:36:25.599 Where do you feel pressure? 00:36:26.320 --> 00:36:30.239 I was with a marvelous group of missionaries uh four years ago in Spain. 00:36:30.400 --> 00:36:32.719 I'll be with them again this next May. 00:36:32.880 --> 00:36:45.760 Um my spiritual dad, Jack Miller, started a marvelous missions movement called uh World Harvest Mission, now called Surge, not S-U-R-G-E, but S-E-R-G-E, colon, grace at the fray. 00:36:45.840 --> 00:36:46.480 And I love that. 00:36:46.559 --> 00:36:54.480 That's a uh a surge is a um is a uh fabric image of you take two freight ends and you sew, you make a surge. 00:36:54.559 --> 00:36:57.840 And so grace at the fray, that is parenting. 00:36:58.159 --> 00:37:03.199 Grace at the fray, marriage is a lot of fray and a need for a lot of grace. 00:37:03.519 --> 00:37:05.679 And the the point in all that is this. 00:37:05.760 --> 00:37:06.800 Yeah, what is the point here? 00:37:06.880 --> 00:37:08.000 Oh, I know, of course. 00:37:08.239 --> 00:37:20.000 These missionaries come from so many countries, and early in our time three years ago, when 500 of them were gathered, we said early in the week, comparison kills community. 00:37:20.400 --> 00:37:27.280 Because some missions, you know, some people were showing up with mission reports of we can sneeze and people come to Jesus. 00:37:27.440 --> 00:37:32.400 Others are laboring in very hard places where persecution and loss are current. 00:37:32.639 --> 00:37:34.480 We don't want to compare. 00:37:35.039 --> 00:37:42.079 You need to be thinking now, who already are you, whose kids are you already comparing your kids to? 00:37:42.800 --> 00:37:46.320 Why aren't our kids even wanting to go to church? 00:37:46.559 --> 00:37:49.280 Their kids have got the whole Bible memorized. 00:37:49.519 --> 00:37:51.360 You know, what are we doing wrong? 00:37:51.519 --> 00:37:52.639 What are they doing right? 00:37:52.800 --> 00:37:58.400 You know, or you know, we again this could be a tattoo. 00:37:58.719 --> 00:38:01.519 Comparison kills community. 00:38:01.840 --> 00:38:04.880 Be careful, but start examining now. 00:38:05.119 --> 00:38:11.119 What what what how do you define health and freedom and beauty, good, the truth and beautiful, good, true, and beautiful? 00:38:11.280 --> 00:38:14.639 It doesn't mean you don't want your kids to make good grades to get into a good school. 00:38:14.719 --> 00:38:24.000 It's just it now, listen, there is everything right with your wanting appropriate uh financial, educational, economic success for your kids and creature comforts. 00:38:24.239 --> 00:38:27.280 God gives us all things richly to enjoy. 00:38:27.519 --> 00:38:32.079 I mean, I live in a house I never thought I would live in, unabashedly without guilt. 00:38:32.239 --> 00:38:45.119 I'm thankful to be almost 70 and to be relatively in a place that I think I don't have to, you know, I don't have to work as much as I had to work in order to put my kids through college and marriage and all that stuff. 00:38:45.199 --> 00:38:48.800 You know, I'm I gotta raise when college and marriages were over, you know. 00:38:49.440 --> 00:38:53.199 It's a nice place to be, and some of you are looking towards those things. 00:38:53.599 --> 00:38:58.880 But but, you know, even what do you want for your kids and a spouse when that time comes? 00:38:58.960 --> 00:39:04.400 And and just these are just a part of the transvaluing power of the gospel. 00:39:04.639 --> 00:39:10.639 Just begin to say, Lord, as you become my treasure, help me to want what you want for my kids. 00:39:10.719 --> 00:39:15.519 And if you write their stories differently than we would choose, then give us grace for that. 00:39:15.679 --> 00:39:17.119 Help us to nurture. 00:39:18.000 --> 00:39:26.239 See, there's four four formative ends that are true for your story and will be true of your kids' stories. 00:39:26.320 --> 00:39:37.360 And this isn't in your outline, so if you're a note-taker or a texter to yourself, four ends that are a part of your own story work that you could reflect upon, but also you want to think about for your kids. 00:39:37.519 --> 00:39:45.920 They are nature, nurture, notions, and nukes, nukes and quotations, short for nuclear, all right? 00:39:46.159 --> 00:39:56.719 Um, you all of you and whatever family system you grew up in, you grew up with nature, i.e., something was true of you DNA-wise, even before you were sucking oxygen. 00:39:56.960 --> 00:40:01.599 So you've got you've got a combination of some stuff you simply inherited genetically. 00:40:01.760 --> 00:40:07.360 Uh, and and some of you will have the privilege of loving kids shaped by generational DNA. 00:40:07.440 --> 00:40:13.199 And and that's nature, it's it's biological, and and and don't be afraid of it at all. 00:40:13.760 --> 00:40:22.960 Uh, it's just something to understand that some parts of our kids is are have come through our family trees and don't despise it, learn to honor it. 00:40:23.119 --> 00:40:24.480 Uh nurture. 00:40:24.880 --> 00:40:27.920 Uh you were or were not well nurtured. 00:40:28.000 --> 00:40:40.400 And if you are background tomato growers, you know you just don't go to the Kmart, buy a tomato plant, and dig a hole in your background and put it in and think it's gonna give you anything other than green little hard tomatoes. 00:40:40.960 --> 00:40:43.199 Soil matters, environment. 00:40:43.440 --> 00:40:50.239 And if you were not nurtured, part of your learning is gonna be how do you become a nurturer if you were never nurtured? 00:40:50.480 --> 00:40:53.039 See, that's been a part of my growth as a parent. 00:40:53.199 --> 00:41:08.400 Um really knowing I I have I have no memory of ever being read to as a child, I have no memory of ever being tucked in, I have no memory of ever being touched physically in discipline or affection by my father. 00:41:08.639 --> 00:41:22.400 My mom was the center of whatever there was nurture, and she was a very busy woman until three years before she died because mom and dad worked to build the dream house so we could finally get her around to be a family. 00:41:22.719 --> 00:41:25.440 And and again, I don't blame, it's part of my story. 00:41:25.679 --> 00:41:35.280 Why has it been easier for me to stand in front of 4,000 people and preach the gospel with a microphone in my hand than really pursue my wife's heart or my kids' heart? 00:41:35.519 --> 00:41:44.719 Well, uh, not having been nurtured, I've had to learn for God to nurture me and trust God to work in my story to become a nurturer. 00:41:44.800 --> 00:41:47.119 And and I understand that more than ever. 00:41:47.280 --> 00:41:52.559 And you see, you you you you you're gonna look at some of these things and say, Lord, I want my heart to be more gentle. 00:41:52.639 --> 00:42:00.320 I don't want to say my liability is because I didn't have uh the perfect father, the most kind mother, I can't be a nurturer. 00:42:00.480 --> 00:42:03.679 We we we gospel helps us and in community. 00:42:03.840 --> 00:42:07.519 That will be one of the final things I'm gonna mention before we go right to some QA. 00:42:08.320 --> 00:42:12.079 But the theme of uh, okay, nature, nurture, notions. 00:42:12.239 --> 00:42:16.880 Notions is simply uh how you and therefore how your kids are learning to interpret the world. 00:42:17.039 --> 00:42:19.119 I mean, your kids are getting a worldview. 00:42:19.360 --> 00:42:27.280 This is why, like I think uh, and and Russ, you and Christy, maybe at appropriate time, maybe in this conversation, can share how y'all are thinking through. 00:42:27.440 --> 00:42:34.880 Um, in a world of just everything's accessible through the internet, why even have boundaries and what that looks like for you guys? 00:42:35.119 --> 00:42:40.719 Because, see, unlike my generation, uh, we had all kinds of input and we had all kinds of notions. 00:42:40.880 --> 00:42:43.519 I grew up with love sex and rock and roll. 00:42:43.599 --> 00:42:49.519 I mean, I was 14 when the Beatles came on the Ed Sullivan show, and the soundtrack of my life was rock and roll music. 00:42:49.599 --> 00:42:58.079 And I got a lot of my notions unwittingly, I adopted from what the 60s people were saying about what matters and what doesn't matter. 00:42:58.400 --> 00:42:59.039 Notions. 00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:11.679 Just be aware of where you have absorbed stuff and just be aware of, therefore, how you want to love your kids by thinking about proactively how do we want our kids to think about the world? 00:43:11.920 --> 00:43:15.199 Why would we or would we not make certain educational choices? 00:43:15.360 --> 00:43:25.920 And let me hear me say loud and clear, I believe probably every educational environment is appropriate with the right heart and motivation. 00:43:26.159 --> 00:43:33.360 I mean, in our church, we've had uh uh families committed just to being in the public schools just to say we want to be a redemptive presence. 00:43:33.519 --> 00:43:36.639 We're not gonna throw our kids to the whoops, but we're gonna be wise about that. 00:43:36.719 --> 00:43:41.119 We may even move a county over to get them in the best public schools. 00:43:41.360 --> 00:43:46.880 Private education, homeschooling, hybrid there is every model in the world. 00:43:47.039 --> 00:43:56.559 Don't assume if you make the right choice, i.e., if you send your kid to a Christian school, that they're really gonna get a biblical worldview and understanding of the gospel. 00:43:56.800 --> 00:43:59.760 My son Scott, who is such a dear guy, you'd love him. 00:44:00.320 --> 00:44:10.000 He was abused in a Christian uh school, went K through 12, and uh had a unfortunately very legalistic experience of behavioral modification. 00:44:10.159 --> 00:44:27.119 And uh God worked in his heart famously, and son Scott now, he loves to hang out at his old school and just look for guys like him that hated being there, and he just shows up and loves and disciples, these young men that would love to do anything but be in a Christian school. 00:44:27.360 --> 00:44:30.000 Now, God works in your story, so be encouraged. 00:44:30.079 --> 00:44:43.920 But uh, notions, be aware of what is influencing your kids and uh be proactive, but also be uh appropriate in terms of not just giving them uh wide margins because it buys you more time to do what you really want to do. 00:44:44.000 --> 00:44:45.760 That's a part of the challenge, isn't it? 00:44:45.920 --> 00:44:53.440 And especially when your kids are with kids that everybody's got an I something or three I somethings and you don't want to be the bad parent, you know. 00:44:53.599 --> 00:44:56.880 Um so real stuff we got to talk about here. 00:44:57.360 --> 00:45:04.559 Uh yeah, lastly, and then we go immediately for our final um 25 minutes or so to some QA. 00:45:05.039 --> 00:45:20.480 Uh as we really understand and are continually growing in the grace of the gospel and being renewed and refreshed ourselves, we'll bear each other's parenting challenges, praying for and loving each other's kids. 00:45:20.800 --> 00:45:26.239 We are to live like a covenant community, not as isolated strugglers. 00:45:26.559 --> 00:45:28.639 I cannot say this too much. 00:45:28.880 --> 00:45:38.079 What's happened in our culture, an American culture of post-Enlightenment individualism, is created almost this idolatry of the nuclear family unit. 00:45:38.239 --> 00:45:45.199 And the Bible never anticipated that those who love God would have, we'd all have our own everything. 00:45:45.679 --> 00:45:50.719 Um picture in the scripture is far more like for us in the church and the body of Christ. 00:45:50.880 --> 00:45:56.639 You know, Jesus even said one time when uh he was asked, so where are your you know, where are your mothers and fathers? 00:45:56.719 --> 00:46:00.880 Or or or or uh two or three contexts in the gospels. 00:46:00.960 --> 00:46:05.440 He he he references the fact that to know me is to love me more than your parents. 00:46:05.599 --> 00:46:16.880 But he says, let me tell you this, no one will leave any relational context for me and not have more mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters in this life and the life to come. 00:46:17.119 --> 00:46:19.280 We're made for a larger community. 00:46:19.920 --> 00:46:26.960 Please, if you have not started, start asking friends to pray for the hearts of your kids. 00:46:27.760 --> 00:46:31.760 Um, don't be private with your parenting struggles. 00:46:31.920 --> 00:46:45.840 Uh, one of God's greatest gifts to me was after my mom was killed and my father just disappeared, God raised up two families, had two friends, a friend named Steve and a friend named Fuji. 00:46:46.079 --> 00:46:50.239 He was named Fuji because he erupted like a volcano as a linebacker. 00:46:50.719 --> 00:46:59.840 But Ma and Pa Allen and Ma and Pa Contin said to me after mom died, Scotty, you'll always have a chair at our table and a bed in our house. 00:47:00.159 --> 00:47:13.519 And I know now that was a part of the Lord's saying, look, Scotty, yeah, there's some stuff you didn't get in your family, but through my family, uh I'm gonna give you moms and dads. 00:47:13.760 --> 00:47:17.039 And some of you know already now, some of you have experienced that. 00:47:17.119 --> 00:47:18.960 Some of you would say, I'm so thankful. 00:47:19.119 --> 00:47:22.800 There was an aunt, there was a friend, there was a young life leader. 00:47:22.960 --> 00:47:38.000 There, somebody showed up to give me what you know my parents either couldn't or wouldn't, or gave me more, because no mom and dad are meant to be the entire formative community for any child. 00:47:38.559 --> 00:47:44.239 So my prayer for Redeemer is gonna be that increasingly y'all have margins for this kind of stuff. 00:47:44.320 --> 00:47:51.039 You you need to be rescued from all forms of wrong thinking about what's it gonna mean for us really to parent to God's glory. 00:47:51.119 --> 00:48:05.039 And and and and as we do community together, we're gonna go through seasons when our kids are absolutely wanting to be missionaries or really basically wanting just to kind of, like Jonah, run away to Tarshish and bear each other's burdens, pray for each other. 00:48:05.199 --> 00:48:08.159 Again, that's another thing Jack and Rosemary taught us to do. 00:48:08.239 --> 00:48:16.480 They said, Scotty and Darlene, pray that God, by his spirit, would bring your kids' conscience under the sway of the gospel. 00:48:16.800 --> 00:48:18.960 And that was what they meant by that was this. 00:48:19.119 --> 00:48:27.760 You know, our our default mode is gonna be, let's get them under the law, let's scare them to death, you know, let's really, you know, we're not gonna talk about hell. 00:48:28.000 --> 00:48:32.159 Sometimes we may feel like that, but uh, you know, we're gonna threat. 00:48:32.239 --> 00:48:38.239 We're gonna, you know, because fear is a compelling parental style. 00:48:38.480 --> 00:48:48.079 But if we really want our kids' consciences to come under the spell of grace, that means we're gonna pray, Lord, as early as possible, make Jesus beautiful to my kids. 00:48:48.559 --> 00:48:57.440 Not just, I won't just don't want them to be afraid of they might get AIDS or some other disease, some sexually transmitted disease, and so they're just afraid of sexuality. 00:48:57.599 --> 00:49:02.800 They don't even know how to think meaningfully about, you know, the stuff of the world we live in. 00:49:03.039 --> 00:49:05.920 And and and that that's a big part of our world, right? 00:49:06.079 --> 00:49:12.880 I mean, uh, again, as parents, and now me as a grandparent of three sons, I'm thinking about Finn, Otis, and Otto. 00:49:13.039 --> 00:49:24.960 What's what's the world gonna tell them about their bodies, about how what relationship looks like, what touch is appropriate, what's not, and and and we want to be concerned, but not so afraid when we do that together. 00:49:25.199 --> 00:49:28.719 All right, I'm gonna push pause now because that's a lot of talking. 00:49:28.960 --> 00:49:30.559 But uh what are some questions? 00:49:30.719 --> 00:49:39.920 I've said something already that intrigues you, or I have said nothing that's relevant to you, but you've got three questions you so wanted to ask at an event like this. 00:49:40.320 --> 00:49:46.480 Anything at this point, comment, clarification, uh uh, and this is an open forum here. 00:49:46.559 --> 00:49:52.079 Uh you ask a question, I'll restate it in a way so that we can uh follow up maybe with some good listening. 00:49:52.159 --> 00:49:59.440 But but just you know, what what's on your mind and heart as we think about parenting and the challenges and uh what's in front of us? 00:49:59.599 --> 00:50:01.760 Um anyone you want to start? 00:50:02.559 --> 00:50:03.119 Yes. 00:50:04.559 --> 00:50:20.960 Um so nukes, that would be the parts of your story where there have been certain wounds or things that have happened, the more difficult things, um, nuclear events that maybe impacted you more than you realized, that might help you understand why you are so afraid or angry. 00:50:21.679 --> 00:50:30.719 Um for Darlene, uh, this is the way that worked out in our marriage when we moved to Nashville from Winston-Salem, North Carolina in 1979. 00:50:31.039 --> 00:50:39.039 That's when she first, being displaced, started feeling, you know, there's parts of my heart, I don't, I don't know why I feel a certain way. 00:50:39.199 --> 00:51:01.840 And so she did some good counseling, got involved in um some Al-Anon community, adult children of alcoholics, and began to understand, okay, it was a nuclear reality, it was a, it would, you know, the the fact that my dad was an alcoholic who was incredibly nice and then so mean when he was drunk, that that that's just not something I don't take seriously. 00:51:02.000 --> 00:51:06.000 So she needed to know how did that impact my fear? 00:51:06.320 --> 00:51:29.199 Um uh or uh the fear of being devalued, you know, part of her story as and my story of sexual abuse, we needed to know, okay, what if if I'm not processing uh some of the nuclear events of my life, that's gonna probably make me far more less than wise in thinking through, not guaranteeing my kids won't have nuclear events, because you know what? 00:51:29.280 --> 00:51:33.679 We we don't we we don't have control over everything our kids are gonna experience. 00:51:33.920 --> 00:51:35.519 They will suffer in this world. 00:51:35.760 --> 00:51:37.039 God promises that. 00:51:37.280 --> 00:51:38.880 It's a broken world. 00:51:39.119 --> 00:51:44.320 Now it's a kingdom-invaded world, but we we want to be processing our stuff. 00:51:44.480 --> 00:51:55.599 I mean, Scott and Kristen, our two kids, are so thankful that Darlene and I have done a ton of work in our marriage uh because it's impacted how we've been able to be present with them through their stories. 00:51:55.840 --> 00:52:13.760 So as we process our nuclear events, we also become more comfortable knowing what happens when our kids might get uh, and again, this is not fear, but uh if if if your kids should suffer a difficult experience in life, uh how will you be prepared to enter into their suffering? 00:52:13.840 --> 00:52:16.000 Um I've walked with parents through every season. 00:52:16.159 --> 00:52:33.280 I will never forget the call I got from Stephen Curtis the very hour uh Maria was run over by her brother and to enter into a family story of a major nuclear event of an adopted child witnessed by the two other little Chinese girls and dying before their eyes. 00:52:33.519 --> 00:52:51.840 Um be afraid that's gonna happen to you, but understand God will give us grace for our story so that as we love our children towards the final restoration that God has promised, we'll be more present rather than just simply afraid and controlling or angry and all that. 00:52:52.000 --> 00:52:53.360 That's kind of what I mean by that. 00:52:53.519 --> 00:52:59.360 It's just uh as we are graced, as we are getting healthier, we're gonna be we're gonna be there, you know. 00:52:59.519 --> 00:53:06.559 Uh our son Scott, he was more that compliant child that watched his mom and his sister fight. 00:53:06.719 --> 00:53:08.719 I mean, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. 00:53:08.800 --> 00:53:14.400 I don't know if any of you as daughters had strong-willed moms and you were a strong-willed daughter, but our sin said that didn't work. 00:53:14.480 --> 00:53:16.320 So I'm just gonna be the weasel. 00:53:16.559 --> 00:53:19.760 So we learned a lot of his story long after the fact. 00:53:20.000 --> 00:53:24.400 A lot of alcohol abuse, a lot of stuff that, you know, he just learned how to be creative with his sin. 00:53:24.719 --> 00:53:26.639 Kristen was just out there with hers. 00:53:26.880 --> 00:53:28.800 But as a family now, we've processed that. 00:53:28.880 --> 00:53:34.079 And because Darlene and I have been repenting and healing, we're we're able to go there now, like you did what? 00:53:34.880 --> 00:53:40.400 You know, so don't be so shocked by your kids as you're honest about your journey. 00:53:40.639 --> 00:53:52.639 You know, we're thinking about nukes, in other words, uh, so this you know said earlier, one of the best things you will always do for your kids is keep seeking God's grace to invade your marriage story. 00:53:52.800 --> 00:53:59.440 Uh again, if you're a single parent, I don't want to put anyone in an awkward place because God has plenty of grace for you too. 00:53:59.599 --> 00:54:06.079 But if you're as a couple, uh, you know, be involved in saying, what will a healthier us look like? 00:54:06.320 --> 00:54:09.760 And so, see that, as I mentioned, is encouragement. 00:54:10.000 --> 00:54:18.079 25 years into our marriages when we started doing that stuff, individual story work and then able to learn about each other's heart and story. 00:54:18.320 --> 00:54:22.719 So Darlene and I are broken differently and also similar in some ways. 00:54:22.880 --> 00:54:25.760 We have different temperaments, different ways of experience the world. 00:54:25.920 --> 00:54:36.639 And so good counseling helped us begin to see the blending, the respect, uh, and in psychological terms, it's called individuating and differentiating. 00:54:36.800 --> 00:54:41.840 It's like to individuate means that you come to develop a more self-awareness. 00:54:42.079 --> 00:54:46.559 What really is driving my fear, my anxiety, and my anger. 00:54:47.199 --> 00:54:59.119 Um, there's a guy in Nashville named Chip Dodd, who's done a lot of work on the voice of the heart, and he just says, you know, we need to know as believers, as image bearers of God, emotions, there are no good or bad emotions. 00:54:59.280 --> 00:55:01.440 They're the language of what's going on with me. 00:55:01.519 --> 00:55:07.039 And as I individually could go there finally, Darlene went there 17 years before me. 00:55:07.920 --> 00:55:08.480 Pause. 00:55:08.639 --> 00:55:11.840 He pauses to give encouragement to those who are still waiting. 00:55:12.239 --> 00:55:18.800 I mean, Darlene really just started processing stuff, her nuclear stuff, long before I would go there. 00:55:18.880 --> 00:55:22.079 I lived in my head, I'm a five, and I'm an INTP. 00:55:22.320 --> 00:55:24.960 I like answers more than I like mess. 00:55:25.440 --> 00:55:32.239 And I had to, by God's grace, go through a burnout to come to the point of really beginning to say, these things have impacted me. 00:55:32.400 --> 00:55:40.239 So now we are so much more able for ourselves and our coupleship and in our parenting and grandparenting. 00:55:40.320 --> 00:55:42.239 Uh so that but that took process and journey. 00:55:42.400 --> 00:55:43.840 It took for good friendship. 00:55:44.159 --> 00:55:54.639 See, um, churches that only do small groups as another book study but never have conversation, they they just basically educate a bunch of fools. 00:55:54.880 --> 00:56:13.280 Um, you know, if my face is in a book but I'm not in your life and you're not in my life, you know, please know Redeemer will grow as y'all are willing to really listen to each other and know that the gospel is the safest place in the world and that there are people that absolutely would listen without trying to fix you. 00:56:13.440 --> 00:56:19.360 And and you know, as we grow in this kind of culture, I think we we come to the place. 00:56:19.679 --> 00:56:25.199 Uh, and we have to learn, I think, what Darlene and I had to learn through that journey, because we had a lot of regret. 00:56:25.440 --> 00:56:29.840 I mean, we, you know, usually with your first child you make most of your worst mistakes. 00:56:30.079 --> 00:56:32.880 It's brand new, you don't want to blow it, you know. 00:56:32.960 --> 00:56:35.440 You, you know, and Kristen, God bless her. 00:56:35.519 --> 00:56:43.599 I mean, she went through all of our fear and controlling and not having a TV and going to every religious thing imaginable. 00:56:43.760 --> 00:56:51.760 You know, we we we our default mode initially was more protection rather than equipping. 00:56:52.159 --> 00:56:54.400 And that was born out of some of our nuclear stuff. 00:56:54.480 --> 00:56:58.960 We had real fears, because, you know, so that, Christy, is what I would say. 00:56:59.119 --> 00:57:09.920 It's together learning, but knowing not anything is ultimately dependent upon you being the best mom or the best dad. 00:57:11.519 --> 00:57:15.360 Be growing in your faith, union with Jesus. 00:57:15.519 --> 00:57:27.519 And and and you may be new to the faith, or you may be in this church in a long time and still you like the vibe, but you're still kind of like, I just, you know, I don't exactly talk about God the way these people do, but press in. 00:57:27.599 --> 00:57:29.840 This is the per this is the perfect time. 00:57:30.559 --> 00:57:39.039 None of you have to wait till you're 50 years old like I was when I had a burnout and began to get some, you know, get out of my living out of my head and moving into my heart. 00:57:39.280 --> 00:57:40.880 I mean, I'm exhibit A. 00:57:41.039 --> 00:57:42.239 You can be encouraged. 00:57:42.400 --> 00:57:45.119 You know, don't say you can't teach an old dog new trick. 00:57:45.199 --> 00:57:47.440 You're not dogs, you're image bearers of God. 00:57:47.679 --> 00:57:49.599 So I think those are some thoughts. 00:57:49.760 --> 00:57:54.480 But yeah, um, Darlene and I still, temperament-wise, we're very different. 00:57:54.639 --> 00:57:58.800 Uh, I am, I love uh things that measure time. 00:57:58.880 --> 00:58:02.800 I'm a calendar guy, I like to plan, I like to execute, kind of like your husband. 00:58:03.039 --> 00:58:04.480 Darlene doesn't own a watch. 00:58:04.559 --> 00:58:06.079 She's allergic to time. 00:58:06.480 --> 00:58:10.000 See, it's this huge mercy gift that she simply camps out. 00:58:10.159 --> 00:58:15.679 She's a trauma counselor now because through her trauma, she went back to school, graduate school, got a master's. 00:58:15.920 --> 00:58:20.079 Last two years she's been walking with women coming out of sexual slavery in Nashville. 00:58:20.480 --> 00:58:21.599 I can't do that stuff. 00:58:21.679 --> 00:58:23.360 I'm so glad that's her calling. 00:58:23.599 --> 00:58:25.039 She's a lingerer. 00:58:25.440 --> 00:58:33.119 God has blended our gifts and our style, and we see more with one heart and we respect each other. 00:58:33.280 --> 00:58:35.039 But that's been a long journey. 00:58:35.280 --> 00:58:36.480 And it's it's okay. 00:58:36.639 --> 00:58:38.960 God's building for eternity, not next week. 00:58:39.199 --> 00:58:39.920 Good question. 00:58:40.079 --> 00:58:44.559 What do we wish we had known now before our kids became teenagers? 00:58:44.719 --> 00:58:48.559 Well, see, here I thought I knew everything because I'd been a youth pastor for 10 years. 00:58:48.800 --> 00:59:06.000 I thought, I understand teenagers, but you see, I think a part of which I would I'd known was that you know, to to be, for instance, even a youth pastor working with kids and watching God do different kinds of stuff in different ages and states, those aren't the kids under my house. 00:59:06.159 --> 00:59:14.639 So I I wish personally I had you know been um moving more into my journey of realizing how frozen my heart was. 00:59:14.719 --> 00:59:17.119 And I'm talking about me first, but then kids. 00:59:17.280 --> 00:59:24.159 I wish I'd been more um further along in my growth in grace, but that's that's nothing I can blame myself for. 00:59:24.239 --> 00:59:25.519 It'd be that would have been awesome. 00:59:25.599 --> 00:59:32.159 You know, I wish I had been more engaged in um as a husband uh in Darlene's heart and journey together with us. 00:59:32.239 --> 00:59:33.039 That would have been great. 00:59:33.119 --> 00:59:36.079 But again, God's not dependent upon anything. 00:59:36.320 --> 00:59:41.280 Uh if I had been freer in that, I would have been, I think, more patient with my kids. 00:59:41.360 --> 00:59:45.760 I would have invested more in their hearts than simply their world. 00:59:46.000 --> 00:59:54.079 I think for me, it was more like I'm gonna work harder to pay that you get a private school education so I can keep you away from the devil. 00:59:54.320 --> 00:59:57.760 And and and what my kids really need is what I needed. 00:59:58.000 --> 01:00:03.039 You've heard me describe my dad, even before mom died, my dad was not invested. 01:00:03.199 --> 01:00:05.599 He was paying for life, but he wasn't engaged. 01:00:05.760 --> 01:00:07.679 And I thought, I'm never gonna be like my dad. 01:00:07.840 --> 01:00:12.159 Well, I was more preoccupied with not being like him, that doesn't measure, that's how I became. 01:00:12.400 --> 01:00:14.320 It was just harder to go to the heart. 01:00:14.480 --> 01:00:18.000 So, you know, kids need to be loved, welcomed. 01:00:18.320 --> 01:00:27.360 They will push your absolutely button because one, God is, you know, um we're called to give our kids roots and wings. 01:00:27.599 --> 01:00:31.760 The problem is they start wanting to bud wings before they want them before we want them to. 01:00:32.079 --> 01:00:35.280 And that's a part of what, you know, now it's more like in middle school age. 01:00:35.440 --> 01:00:41.199 I mean, kids now, 11 and 12, or my version of 13, 14, or 15 when I was coming along. 01:00:41.360 --> 01:00:45.519 So there's an advanced adolescence that being forced upon our kids. 01:00:45.599 --> 01:00:52.079 So uh again, don't all of a sudden that make that put you into reaching for another glass of wine or something just to kind of settle your nerves. 01:00:52.239 --> 01:00:53.519 It's just let's just be aware. 01:00:53.679 --> 01:00:59.199 And what does grace look like in knowing that um 11 and 12 year olds are exposed to more stuff? 01:00:59.360 --> 01:01:00.239 And how do we love? 01:01:00.320 --> 01:01:03.599 How do we create an app an appetite for conversation? 01:01:04.400 --> 01:01:12.320 And um as an introvert, I'm not naturally someone that just kind of just loves to go and just pursue like that, but I've I've learned more. 01:01:12.400 --> 01:01:14.800 And again, God's name is Redeemer, not redo. 01:01:15.599 --> 01:01:18.000 So, and there's some good books on adolescents. 01:01:18.079 --> 01:01:20.000 I mean, Russ was a youth pastor too. 01:01:20.079 --> 01:01:25.360 There's some really I tell you, we have a phenomenal community in Nashville called Daystar. 01:01:26.079 --> 01:01:36.960 And I don't know if they have a website or not, but they are a community of adolescents and pre-adolescence counselors that resource, that teach, that work with kids. 01:01:37.360 --> 01:01:43.199 And there are great resources around just to say what are the best books or parenting seminars or things like this. 01:01:43.280 --> 01:01:45.519 So there's a lot of resources we can think about. 01:01:45.679 --> 01:01:49.119 So I'll kind of put that on Rust to kind of help build some bridges there. 01:01:49.199 --> 01:01:56.239 So I think with that theme of you know, focus on your kids' heart, not just their behavior and your goal of success for them. 01:01:56.400 --> 01:01:57.440 So, how do we do that? 01:01:57.599 --> 01:01:58.880 Some kids would love that. 01:01:58.960 --> 01:02:06.079 You've got some of you have some cuddlers, some of you have golden doodles for children, um, some of you have pit bulls. 01:02:06.480 --> 01:02:15.840 Um, so you know, to successfully pursue the heart of your kids is no guarantee that before they're 12, they're going to give you their heart. 01:02:16.079 --> 01:02:18.000 But but they're picking up on stuff. 01:02:18.239 --> 01:02:35.840 I can promise you, your kids with a certain temperament or however, uh, to pursue their heart is just uh, you know, you you move towards them in kindness and pursuit, not pushing down doors that have, you know, uh padlocks against them, but you pray for them. 01:02:36.000 --> 01:02:43.039 You know, uh that sometimes pursuing the heart of your child is spend more time praying for your child than they'll even let you pray with them. 01:02:43.199 --> 01:02:44.480 Because it's softening your heart. 01:02:44.559 --> 01:02:46.400 You're beginning to say, Lord, help me right now. 01:02:46.480 --> 01:02:48.079 I'm so concerned, I'm so afraid. 01:02:48.239 --> 01:02:53.599 This kid is just shut down, they just won't give me their heart, they just got always things in their ears, they got stuff. 01:02:53.760 --> 01:03:09.039 Well, Lord, help me under how how do I come alongside of this kid and help me to understand and help me to risk, you know, moving towards them to the point of uh knowing that that's gonna create some pain when it's not being reciprocated. 01:03:09.199 --> 01:03:20.159 But I think because what happens if we move out of that, let's say we don't feel like we're doing well with that, then we ramp up maybe, okay, I'm gonna work on your behavior. 01:03:20.320 --> 01:03:21.840 I don't like your attitude, young man. 01:03:22.000 --> 01:03:25.280 So, you know, you're gonna be penalized for being sullen. 01:03:25.840 --> 01:03:29.280 Well, sullen, it's a lot of stuff that goes on with sullenness. 01:03:29.519 --> 01:03:32.800 We don't even know physiologically what's going on with our kids. 01:03:32.960 --> 01:03:36.559 I mean, you know, back to your question, I wish I'd known more consistently. 01:03:36.719 --> 01:03:37.679 What's typical? 01:03:37.840 --> 01:03:43.039 I mean, not having a mom or a sister, I had no clue about the world of a woman. 01:03:43.119 --> 01:03:45.199 And and I wish I'd known more about that from a daughter. 01:03:45.360 --> 01:03:47.119 What's it gonna mean for her to go through? 01:03:47.280 --> 01:03:53.199 Because let me tell you, I'll share this story vulnerably, but as a way of saying it's never too late. 01:03:53.440 --> 01:04:03.199 So when I started getting counseling and Darlene and I started getting healthy as a couple, I went to Kristen and I said, Kristen, I don't want to be 81 and you 50 before we ever do what I did with my dad. 01:04:03.360 --> 01:04:06.880 So I want you to start telling me what did it feel like to have me as your dad? 01:04:07.039 --> 01:04:08.320 And I said, I want to know. 01:04:08.880 --> 01:04:10.079 Let's just revisit some stuff. 01:04:10.239 --> 01:04:11.440 And here's the first thing she said. 01:04:11.599 --> 01:04:13.599 She said, Dad, thank you for asking. 01:04:13.760 --> 01:04:22.639 She said, I think I was 11 or 12, and I can tell I could tell I was becoming too much for you, so I watched you disappear into more ministry. 01:04:23.519 --> 01:04:25.760 Well, that wasn't fun to hear, but you know what? 01:04:26.000 --> 01:04:34.400 Because I asked what that led to connection, talk, healing, trust now. 01:04:35.039 --> 01:04:51.760 And uh so um please, as you're thinking through, oh my gosh, you know, even driving here today, I just threatened my kids, you know, please throw down your measuring rod of thinking how you've already so blown it. 01:04:51.840 --> 01:04:56.960 Think now about I'm so glad I'm here today to understand God's gonna meet me where I am. 01:04:57.280 --> 01:05:15.440 You know, I'm hearing Scotty talking about even 25 years into marriage is when he and his wife start getting you know a hard engagement for themselves, and then to look at parenting and and to and and we can I can clearly say before God's face to you tonight, Darlene and I did everything we thought as Christians we were supposed to do for our kids. 01:05:15.760 --> 01:05:17.360 That was our prayer. 01:05:18.159 --> 01:05:25.920 And some of the things we did were overbearing, and some of the discipline at times was more harsh than kind. 01:05:26.559 --> 01:05:30.079 And we repented and we've asked our kids to forgive us. 01:05:30.400 --> 01:05:34.639 And uh it's just been you know a good thing to see the Lord is at work. 01:05:34.719 --> 01:05:37.199 So I think Bo, keep pursuing. 01:05:37.360 --> 01:05:42.159 Um, be careful if you have more than one kid to think, why can't you be like your sister or brother? 01:05:42.239 --> 01:05:44.559 You know, that's a part of you in the comparison thing. 01:05:44.719 --> 01:05:47.039 Uh, don't champion your compliant kids. 01:05:47.119 --> 01:05:48.880 Sometimes they're just playing you. 01:05:49.119 --> 01:05:58.800 And uh so just just be wise and uh love them and uh and uh be careful that we don't turn prayer requests for our kids into gossip. 01:05:58.960 --> 01:05:59.679 I think that would be something. 01:06:00.239 --> 01:06:02.880 I would say is we're, you know, about out of time now. 01:06:03.280 --> 01:06:08.639 When I say bear each other's burdens, be careful to honor your children's confidences. 01:06:08.800 --> 01:06:14.079 Sometimes your kids are going to make very destructive choices that you're going to need help with. 01:06:14.320 --> 01:06:20.079 And you need to know where I can go with the fact that my 14-year-old has already slept with a guy. 01:06:21.280 --> 01:06:23.039 How do I wrap my head around that? 01:06:23.199 --> 01:06:28.719 And how do I not out of fear all of a sudden, you know, order a chastity belt? 01:06:30.559 --> 01:06:33.519 How do I process some choices and some things like this? 01:06:33.840 --> 01:06:42.400 Or people like me, who was eight years old, that's you know that I had one incident of being sexually abused by a neighbor. 01:06:42.639 --> 01:06:46.639 It wasn't predatory, episodically going on and on and on. 01:06:46.880 --> 01:06:52.960 But mom, you know, I had minimized it, which was what we typically do with nukes. 01:06:53.119 --> 01:06:58.079 We immediately try to just say, oh, it didn't happen, or go to denial, or endomorphins kick in. 01:06:58.320 --> 01:07:01.840 But I was 54 before ever voiced that story. 01:07:02.079 --> 01:07:08.239 And uh I want to be someone that is not afraid, oh no, my child's gonna be the next kid sexually abused. 01:07:08.480 --> 01:07:14.239 But I just want to be aware of is my home, am I becoming a person safe enough that my kids can talk? 01:07:14.400 --> 01:07:16.239 Or are we becoming a village? 01:07:16.400 --> 01:07:21.280 Some of you in this church will hear other kids' story before their parents will. 01:07:21.440 --> 01:07:22.320 Don't despise that. 01:07:22.400 --> 01:07:24.159 That doesn't mean you're a bad parent. 01:07:24.400 --> 01:07:26.320 It does not mean you blew it. 01:07:26.559 --> 01:07:28.960 Thank God that you've got friends in this church. 01:07:29.199 --> 01:07:35.360 Thank God that you're not gonna be so busy getting ready to retire by age 50 that you don't make time to have friendships now. 01:07:36.880 --> 01:07:44.320 You know, Hillary Clinton, in my estimation, wasn't right about everything, but her phrase, and she borrowed it herself, it takes a village. 01:07:44.559 --> 01:07:45.280 It's true. 01:07:45.599 --> 01:07:47.920 We're family, we're body, we need each other. 01:07:48.159 --> 01:07:50.320 But don't gossip about your kids. 01:07:50.559 --> 01:07:54.000 Uh protect them, love them, but bear each other's burdens. 01:07:55.360 --> 01:07:56.639 60 seconds left. 01:07:56.800 --> 01:07:58.480 You wanted to ask that question. 01:07:58.800 --> 01:08:02.960 Finally, you're gonna do it because you know I won't put you, I won't embarrass you because we're about out of time. 01:08:03.119 --> 01:08:04.320 Any final words? 01:08:04.559 --> 01:08:05.440 Uh a good book. 01:08:05.519 --> 01:08:08.800 Here's another good book titled, Elise Fitzpatrick. 01:08:09.280 --> 01:08:11.599 Um give your kids grace. 01:08:11.840 --> 01:08:17.039 Colon, dazzling your hearts with the love, dazzling your children's hearts with the love of Jesus. 01:08:17.359 --> 01:08:18.880 Elise Fitzpatrick. 01:08:19.039 --> 01:08:22.319 Um Christy and uh Russ know who she is. 01:08:22.399 --> 01:08:24.000 Uh great woman again. 01:08:24.079 --> 01:08:25.119 Um I think it is. 01:08:25.199 --> 01:08:25.680 I think it is. 01:08:25.840 --> 01:08:27.520 Give your give them grace. 01:08:27.680 --> 01:08:29.119 Uh that's a great book. 01:08:29.279 --> 01:08:32.079 Thank you all all so much for coming back this afternoon. 01:08:32.239 --> 01:08:40.000 And uh I'm I'm really um uh I told Russ and Christy and the elders, it just is so good just to see what the Lord is doing here. 01:08:40.319 --> 01:08:42.319 Um I'm thankful for you. 01:08:42.479 --> 01:08:45.199 Um you're living in a beautiful part of the country. 01:08:45.279 --> 01:08:53.199 Uh God has given you and this community a lot of wonderful uh opportunities in life, creature comforts, fun stuff. 01:08:53.359 --> 01:08:59.039 Enjoy all of it, but don't let the good become the enemy of the best. 01:08:59.600 --> 01:09:08.000 Seek to build community, uh, engage your heart in the journey of growth in Christ and His grace, and uh love and pray for those kids. 01:09:08.239 --> 01:09:08.880 Amen. 01:09:09.279 --> 01:09:09.920 Is that good? 01:09:10.239 --> 01:09:13.359 Gonna pray for us as we conclude, Father. 01:09:13.520 --> 01:09:19.199 Thank you for um this marvelous gathering of your sons and daughters whom you cherish. 01:09:19.279 --> 01:09:22.880 Uh you love all of us more than we have faith to believe, Father. 01:09:23.119 --> 01:09:36.399 And uh Lord, you've been very kind to Darlene and I in helping us in our marriage and in our parenting and now our grandparenting to parent less by fear and more by faith. 01:09:36.560 --> 01:09:40.399 And Lord, we are still in that journey and will be until Jesus comes back. 01:09:40.479 --> 01:09:42.000 So help all of us, Lord. 01:09:42.079 --> 01:09:53.600 Some things were said today that uh for those who are here absolutely confirm a prior understanding about we need help. 01:09:53.840 --> 01:10:15.680 I pray, Lord, that grace, not shame, would motivate anybody here that's concerned about their parenting anger or where they think their kids are already so damaged now, or just the stuff, Lord, that uh we inherit and also, Lord, uh, through some of our foolish choices in life are brought upon ourselves. 01:10:15.840 --> 01:10:18.960 Your name is Redeemer, not redo. 01:10:19.439 --> 01:10:25.680 Father, thank you that you are you take full responsibility uh for all of our challenges. 01:10:25.840 --> 01:10:28.640 You tell the weary ones to come and find rest. 01:10:28.880 --> 01:10:33.680 You promise us sufficient grace for all things, including our marriages and our parenting. 01:10:33.840 --> 01:10:37.600 And we give you praise and great thanksgiving in Jesus' name. 01:10:37.840 --> 01:10:38.319 Amen.