One Last Hit Podcast #3 With Ernie C. | From Drugs and Gangs to Freedom

 Ernie C didn't just flirt with the wrong crowd — he was in it. Gangs, cocaine, a lifestyle built on survival and loyalty to the streets. By the time things fell apart, he’d lost years he couldn’t get back and come closer to losing everything than most people ever want to admit.

In this episode, Ernie sits down with Austin to tell the whole story — what pulled him in, what kept him there, and the moment he decided freedom was worth fighting for. No sugarcoating. No polished recovery speech. Just the real thing.

If you’ve ever loved someone caught up in that world — or if you’ve lived it yourself - this one’s for you.

 Subscribe wherever you get podcasts.
 Austin’s memoir One Last Hit is available now — onelasthitbook.com

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Transcript

  Welcome & Introduction

SPEAKER_00 1:17

What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? My name is Austin. Welcome to the One Last Hit Podcast. If you're listening in, we appreciate you. I get to sit down today with Mr. Ernie C. What's up, Ernie? How you doing, buddy?

SPEAKER_02 1:30

Austin, what's up? I'm doing great, bud. Doing great.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Hell yeah. So, Ernie, I've heard so I've heard a lot of little snippets from your life, but I've never had the opportunity to dig in with you. I know we had Dallas on the show uh last week. He referenced you quite a few times, man. Some things that like really brought tears to my eyes uh when he was saying it. And so I'm excited to get into your into your story, man. Where did you where did you grow up? What were your younger years like?

  Growing Up in LA

SPEAKER_03 2:02

I was born in Santa Monica, California. Grew up uh until the age of 15 in the greater Los Angeles, California area. Okay, so you're you're a native.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

Holy shit. I don't get a lot of that. So so okay, so what what was what was it like growing up in Santa Monica? Like what was age five, six, seven like? What what were your parents like?

SPEAKER_03 2:26

Uh so my my mom, uh we first of all come from a big Italian family. My mom was one of seven uh kids. Uh her parents uh just hardworking, you know, came here from Boston, Massachusetts after they immigrated from Italy. And uh they were just hardworking, and and she, you know, they believed in education and athletics and Catholic and you know, and uh my mom uh was an all-CIF uh softball player and uh you know at Faculver City High School, and uh she was doing great, and then she met my dad, and my dad uh came from the Bronx, Italian, immigrated from the Bronx, and he was uh from a completely different environment, like no father figure, running the streets. Uh, dropped out of school at 16 years old, and he was working at the roughest liquor store in Englewood, California. He had at 17, he had prospected into uh his first outlaw motorcycle gang, and it was love at first sight. So my mom and debutante, yeah, and they they met and uh she went for the bad boy and out popped me when my mom was like 19, and uh yeah, and so that relationship obviously didn't last. Uh he left when I was uh two. He spent most of my um adolescence either in state prison or you know, running around with you know his uh his motorcycle club. And uh I my mom was a single mom working two jobs, and uh yeah, I was like a latchkey kid for a good portion, for a good portion of those years. But my mom worked hard, she did the best she could. She, you know, we lived in a little one-bedroom duplex. Uh my mom stayed on a day bed in the in the living room, and uh my sister and I, we shared uh we shared the one room, you know, and and um and my mom had a lot of pride. Uh she comes from, like I said, a hardworking, middle class immigrant family, but like she would never ask for any help, you know. So like grew up on, you know, there was times where we had to get assistance, WIC, food stamps, but like she she uh she was a grinder and we just she made it work, you know. And then when I was uh when I was nine years old, uh my who is real really I consider my father, uh Tom came into our lives. He was sober uh one year. He was an alcoholic and he was sober one year, and they started dating. And uh, you know, at first, obviously I had all the normal bl you know anger issues, not having my real dad there, and now there's this, you know, new man in my life, and he was kind of an authoritarian figure, right? And uh, and he ended up uh he's been around, he's been around for 40, 40 plus years, and he's really walk walked through hell with me. But uh yeah, his first job uh when he met my mom, he was the first paid employee for cocaine anonymous, which is a trip, right? Like I remember Yeah, I remember I he worked at their call center, he was the first. So like that's I had that's the only that was my first like introduction to I guess what you would call recovery, even though it was just uh a child, a stepstep of of uh of an employee. So yeah, and he worked for minimum wage and they just kind of grinded out a life together, you know, that's turned out to be really beautiful, which I'm sure we'll get to later. But uh, you know, it was tough for me, right? It was it was tough for me. I w I was an angry kid, right? I've always had felt abandoned by my my father. He would go move on to different relationships when he wasn't in prison and he'd raise other people's children and you know, outside of spot little uh you know instances where he would come around, you know, like I just always felt like I wasn't good enough, you know, or wasn't worthy. So at a young age, my mom was looking for ways to keep me out of trouble. So when I was eight years old, she put me in a pop corner football uh inner city, Los Angeles, right? Like tough, tough, you know, crowd. And uh and it was like survival of the fittest. I was like this one of two white kids on the team for the next eight years growing up. And I just I kind of I don't know, I kind of thrived there. And uh, you know, that probably kept me out of some trouble, but uh that was really my escape when I was eight, nine, ten years old, maybe eleven years old, uh, was playing football and being part of that fellowship of of young kids. And uh and then I started getting in trouble at a really, really early age, like pretty good trouble. Um, you know what happened? Being well, once again, man, I don't I don't ever try to portray my mom or uh my stepfather as uh as bad parents because they were the absolute opposite. Now that I'm a parent, I know that like to work your ass off and to to grind out a life to try to provide for your children and all the sacrifice that can comes with that. Like I have so much respect. But you know, at the time the reality was that they were working, trying to put food on the table, and I there was not a lot of supervision, right? When you're working two jobs, each of them are working two jobs, right? So I kind of just started running the the the streets with older kids, you know, and I found myself, you know, uh joined uh joined uh uh at 13 years old. I joined a tagging crew and just causing mischief, you know, breaking into houses. And at 13, right, it's still Austin at 13, it's it doesn't sound so sinister, right? The little 13-year-old jumps through a window and and and and and steals some British pounds that are sitting on at a on an old couple's you know, coffee table, or he breaks into a garage and steals a moped, and you know, it's got a half a tank of gas in it, and when that's gone, he leaves it on the sidewalk, or you know, graffiti or vandalism, and and you know, but when I look back, right, to be 13 years old and doing that and running amok like that was probably an early tell uh telltale sign that I was probably headed for headed for a rude awakening, and that's that's what started to happen, right, quickly. Um I you know come from Italian families, so like it it wasn't it wasn't um it wasn't it wasn't taboo to have a have a sip or a glass of grandpa's wine, right, during events, right? Like wine and but no nobody else in in the family, this huge Italian family, was uh exhibited alcoholic behavior and definitely not drug addiction, right? Uh but and so as a kid, I I don't really remember like having that first drink uh of of wine or beer, my grandfather's beer, and having some you know, surreal experience with it. It was just normal. But what I do remember is when I was 13 years old, you know, falling into this regiment where I was uh in this cycle of hanging out with these older kids and like we had it down. We would we would go to Culver Center and we would you know walk into a store, we had baggy pants, uh dickies, we'd walk in and we would steal baseball cards. This is probably in 1986, 1985. We'd go in and we'd still boxes of this tops baseball cards, and then we'd go to the baseball card shop a couple, you know, a couple streets down, and we'd sell that box for $10. And you know, I'd walk in, I'd have two boxes, you know, Jeremy would have two boxes, Tim would have two boxes, and we'd walk out with $60, you know, and then we'd make another run to Thrifties and Clover Center, and then you know, we'd we'd steal a you know a 40 ounce of old English, put it the same way, put it in our pants, baggy pants, walk out, and then we'd get on the bus, right? And we'd go to Venice Beach, we'd take the $60 and and and we'd buy, you know, a bubble tape, you know, uh canister of just some horrible swag

  First Crimes at 13

SPEAKER_03 10:49

weed.

SPEAKER_02 10:49

Now, you know, looking back, you're like, God, that was the worst weed I I I've ever seen in my life.

SPEAKER_03 10:54

But like when you're 13 and you're hanging out with some 14 and 15-year-olds, like you just think you're cool, right? And uh, and and so like that became a cycle for like a year, and you know, like we built this clubhouse and this abandoned, you know, backyard, and like we had all our booze there, and friggin', you know, we were stockpiling, you know, all kinds of stolen goods there. And and so like that was a phase of my life, right? And there wasn't once again, a ton of oversight, and there wasn't a ton of consequences, right? My first real consequences uh happened was I was 14 years old, right? And I'll never I'll never forget it, and I can speak about it because we were arrested for it, so it's public knowledge, but uh, but uh but Raul Ignacio, one of my one of my buddies, right? Like he he he came to middle school one day and he's like he showed me a credit card. And I once again, my parents were hard working, poor, digging themselves out, right? And I'd never really seen my mom with a credit card or anything, but I understood the concept because aunts and uncles had him, and he showed up with this uh this credit card, and and I'll never forget I remember the name on it, June Johnson, right? And I'm like, I don't know what like you would have thought, Austin, when somebody brings you a credit card at 13, 14 years old at middle school, but I'm thinking, like, wow, we're rich. Like, we're rich. And and that was probably my oldest, my my first memory of maybe having somewhat of a criminal mind distorted by this lifestyle of you know, drinking and and and smoking weed at an early age and just running amok. And so I'll tell you what we did, Austin. Like, we were the coolest kids in school for the next six months. Like we were literally ordering Thai food to school, Mexican food on this stolen credit card, right? And then I and then I was like, wow, like why am I not ordering other cool stuff? And so there was about seven or eight of us that had that had access to this credit card. And then, you know, we started like ordering back in the day, like Air Jordan's Chicago Bulls hats and and like Sony Mega Blasts were like the thing, right? In in LA, right? And and so so we start ordering that, and stuff starts coming to our houses, and like we're just feeling rich, right? I look back on it now and I'm like, damn, what type of credit card limit did this chick have? No, right? Like, because I because right. So, so because this is going on for probably no embellishment, probably about a month, and you know, and then I don't know, I start once again. This I have this mind, and then I'm like, you know what? Like, I should order like a gun, right? So like they had these hunting like catalogs, right? So I ordered like a gun, and like gun gum rules were very much different in in 1990 and 1989, right? So uh I made I made the order. The gun never came, by the way, but I did make the order. I banged the card, right? Like the whole nine yards, and I'll never forget it was Tuesday uh the next week after I made that order, and I get called to the principal's office, and I'm walking to the principal's office, and that's when they had to like send a courier with a note, send Ernie to the principal's office. And I'm walking to the principal's office and I'm looking to the right and to the left, and dude, it's all my buddies. Raul's going to the principal's office, Johnny's going to the principal's office, Ricardo's going to the principal's office, and like I'm like, fuck, this is pretty cool. This is where my mind was. Like, I was just I was spun at an early age, and I remember them taking us into a room, just have a seat, have a seat. The room started filling up with the eight or ten guys that you know coincidentally had been involved in this credit card theft rate ring. And I just remember hearing the words, my name's John, Lieutenant John Montano. I'm with the Culver City Police Department. You're under arrest, you have the right to remain silent. And so, like, they group arrested us there, and uh and man, it was kind of like the first wake-up call, and they took us down to the police station, right? It was serious, right? Three credit, uh, you know, three felonies, even though we were minors, right? That's what they were, you know, spewing at us at the time. And and I have a a cousin, uh, Frank Augusta, he just passed away, and he happened to be the captain at the time of the Culver City Police Department. So next and next thing you know, right, like my cousin, who's more like an uncle, right, uh comes over and sees me in a cell and he's like, wow, he's like, you really got yourself in a jam this time, right? And I just remember, you know, having so much respect later on in life for that guy because he never got me out of a jam, but he probably I lost you, buddy.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

All right, go for it, buddy.

 Jumped Into a Gang

SPEAKER_03 15:40

And what what ended up happening is I probably I probably got my first break. Um, you know, they definitely charged me with the crimes and they charged everybody with the crimes, and um, but they gave us uh a diversion program for one year. And if we uh if we completed this program, if I completed this program, there would be no charges filed. And I had to, you know, get picked up from school in like a a NARC car every Wednesday, go to meet with this, you know, police shrink and uh and I had to do outward bound and meet with the cops for all of these, you know, like events and character building exercises. And man, some somehow like I did it. And uh, you know, at the same time, my my my football career had started to blossom a little bit. And you know, now I'm in the eighth grade and I'm completing this this program with the Culver City Police Department, and and then you know, I get a uh a full financial aid waiver to go to a Catholic high school in Santa Monica, St. Monica's. And at the time they were one of the top, you know, football powerhouses in the in the state and in the country. And uh, you know, so I got a reprieve. Like I completed that program. I went into uh St. Monica's. I I made the varsity team uh when they pulled me up to the playoffs as a freshman, you know, we we made it to the state semifinals, and you know, I felt like there was a change, right, in me. And the football season ended. And I don't know about you, Austin, but like if I'm not busy, you know, I my my mind starts changing my mind. And so so this is Catholic school, and uh, you know, you have to buy your books, right? And so uh the whole buying the book, selling the book rack, it's a big deal. And you know, they have all these textbooks or at stores around, you know, all the private schools in LA, and you go buy your textbooks from these stores, and then when you're done, you sell them. And I don't know, man. I so I I figured out like a way to earn money, right? My parents were hardworking, right, and grinding, but there wasn't a lot of extra money, right? There just wasn't. Now I had three more sisters, right? So there's five of us, and you know, and uh so I started breaking into lockers at school and stealing books, you know, after after, you know, kind of the janitors had left. I'd break in into the I'd leave the hallway open and go back into the, you know, the hallways and you know, and and I'd break in these lockers, feel these books, and resell them. And I got caught. And uh, I'll never forget Sister Cheryl Milner. She called me in her office and she was sitting there with the football coach. And man, she she just looked at me and she said, Man, you were doing so good. Like we took a chance on you. We knew you had were in trouble when we offered you this, you know, this aid package. You your your grades were good the first semester. You did great in football, like you were a blessing to be around. And now it's you know, May and school's school's almost over, and like here's the deal like we can't have you back. And uh, so I got kicked out of St. Monica's after my freshman year. Um, and and I ended up, you know, going to uh Granada Hills High School. My parents had finally saved up enough money to buy a little condo, and they bought this little condo, and uh there was a good football school, Granada Hills High School, close by. Um, and John Lway actually, you know, his dad was the coach and he he was an alumni from there. And uh, so I went there and, you know, I'm I'm in two days and I make the team, you know, I'm a sophomore now, and and uh, you know, they moved me to quarterback, and I'd never played quarterback in my life, and like I was having a hard time adapting to the kids. I didn't know anybody, right? And it's this big school. Now I'm in this school with 3,800 kids, and I don't know. I I quit, I quit the football team, right? And uh I stopped going to school. They were busting a lot of kids uh in the schools back then, right? Ice Cube, a lot of inner city rappers were actually going to school in the valley at Taft and Granada, and I started running with a pretty tough crowd, leaving school. I'd go to school so I could avoid like my mom and dad's, you know, retribution, but then I'd leave school right after the first period and I'd be running amok with these pretty tough crowd. And I ended up getting jumped in a street gang, you know, and uh I was only I was like one of the only white kids in the street gang, and it's a pretty notorious street gang in California. And uh it was so uh it was so so odd that that uh you know to have a white kid jumped in this street gang that they actually jumped me in twice, you know, and uh make sure it took. They did, right? And and so over the next you know, five or six months, like I started not going to school, running amuck, a lot of drinking, a lot of drugs, and uh a lot of criminal behavior, a lot of assaults, batteries, fights, and you know, we uh it would I'll never forget it. We were at Burger King, and there was a kid from a rival, you know, uh set and you know, were gang at this Burger King, and he probably shouldn't have been there. And I remember a big altercation happening, and I had struck the

 Aunt Rescues Him

SPEAKER_03 21:01

kid with a baseball bat, and the cops had come and right, and I scattered, but they obviously found out, you know, who we were and they were looking for me. And, you know, the cops were cruising by my house and and you know, they had knocked on the door and told my parents that like when I got home that they needed to, you know, they needed to talk to me. And I knew what that meant because I knew I knew what we just did, right? So the bottom line is what what what ended up happening is I I left and I went down, you know, to the hood and and just kind of hid out there for a while. And my aunt, my sister's uh my my my mom's sister, Ida, she uh she showed up one day and she was married to the high-powered lawyer in Beverly Hills. And uh, you know, and and she'd always been one of my kindred spirits and we were close. And somehow she found me. She found me in the hood, and you know, you know, and I'll never forget the day because like right back then, vanilla ice was like a big deal, right? And so here's my aunt, my Beverly Hills lawyer, you know, uh lawyer's wife aunt, and she pulls up in a brand new 5.0 GT Mustang, black, black on black, literally to the hood. And I'm there with like 15, 20 of my like the homies, and there's girls cooking chicken in the back. Like we're having like a barbecue at like 11 o'clock in in the morning, right? And we just we've been up for days, and she comes in and she poses as she's my girlfriend, and like she whispers my ear, just go with it, right? And I'm like, okay, and and she she uh she she gets me, pulls me aside, and she's like, You're coming with me after this. And I'm like, I can't, like, I'm not going with you. I can't. Like, fucking, and she's like, I'll do whatever you want. And this is what a stupid 14, 15 year old kid with a criminal mind and you know, problem with drugs and alcohol at a young age says. And I'm like, I'll tell you what, like, if you go buy a bunch of alcohol for me and my homies, like, I'm good. And she's like, Bet. She's like, deal. And she went and bought about $700 in alcohol, which was a ton of money at that time. And uh, and we got drunk for the next 18 hours. And at some point, she lured me to the car and she she took me out of there. And uh, you know, I guess I didn't know the severity of the situation because my whole family had been watching me like go downhill. And like I said, I come from a great Italian family. I was close with my grandparents, right? I was always the underdog, so everybody rooted for me, loved me because my dad was in prison, and right, my mom is a single mom. And and so like she picked me up and you know, and she swooped me out of there. And I figure we're going to her house in Beverly Hills. I'm like thinking, how bad can this be? Like, Uncle Bob will take care of all my problems. And we went straight to LAX. And she put me on a plane, and she got on the plane, and she flew me 3,000 miles away. And my godfather, my godfather, who I hadn't seen since, you know, for many moons, you know, before, he uh he lived in the White Mountains in New Hampshire. And Uncle he was uh you know the kindest, sweetest guy, but he was a he was a gold box and he was big heart but tough, like tough as nails, right? And and uh I had dreadlocks, I I I had uh pair of knives. Yeah, so you know, my my my godfather and my uncle, he uh he had made my grandfather a promise and my mom a promise that he would he would he would get me straight, right? And now I'm on this farmhouse literally with a in a town of a population of like 600 people, right? And it's cold, it's it's it it gets to 30 degrees below zero there. Like it's literally I can't paint a picture of uh good enough about what a culture change it was from going from Los Angeles to you

 New Hampshire, New Start

SPEAKER_03 25:01

know to Romney, New Hampshire, you know, and uh and it happened literally in 12 hours. And and so, you know, somehow, you know, they had told the athletic director and the school there, small, small school, 550 students, right? So uh they they had told uh they they had told told them I was a decent football player. So somehow like they got me in school right away. Even though I'd already dropped out of school, had no transcripts, like all of a sudden I'm I'm in school, and um it's a it's a Tuesday, Tuesday or Wednesday, and I show up and I'm suited up for the game on Friday. Like that's what kind of that's what kind of small town it was. I didn't even know a play to put me a defensive back, and and and the bottom line is my uncle had some rules, right? I couldn't I couldn't date, I had to play three sports, and you know, he loved me and he was this soft gentleman man, but like the first time I got there, like he he he hit me in the jaw and knocked me flat on my ass and let me know that he was always gonna be able to beat my ass. So I was gonna, you know, I wasn't gonna give him any trouble, right? And they had they they didn't have a lot of money. I'm not I don't want to say they were poor, but they didn't have a lot of money. He was a janitor for the local college and just hard working. And uh, you know, the winters, many years of winters out there made him just a hard-nosed, tough, you know, guy. And and so I knew at an early age, like uh at 15 years old, like I didn't I didn't want to sit there and A, be in fist fights with my uncle, B, he could whip my ass. And uh so I just kind of like started going with the program the best I could. And uh they had, you know, they were really, really tough on me. A lot of chores, like I'd be cutting down maple trees with bowsaws, I'd be, you know, cleaning the the floors with on my hands and knees, and it was a big 5,000 square foot like old farmhouse. And, you know, some people might even think like what I went through was could be considered abuse, but like people that come from where we come from, Austin, it was really love, and it was more of like a boot camp, a boot camp of love. And uh my uncle would drive me to school and he'd and he'd drive me home and he'd stop the car two miles before, you know, he got to school and two miles after, and I would he would say, get out and run. And so like I just kind of became this little legend in this small town. People thought we were crazy because they'd see me just running, like just running constantly, him following me in this beat up old station wagon. It almost looked psychotic psychotic, right? But uh I, you know, big fish, small pond. I ended up, you know, excelling there, right? I ended up becoming all-state, played in the national shrine bowl. I was uh state champion, New England finalist, you know, Northeast regional champion of wrestling. I was uh I meddled in four events at the state track meet, and you know, so like once again, big fish, small pond, right? Small state coming from California and growing up in that competitive environment of athletics and then going to a small state with the population that's similar to Los Angeles. I was a big deal there and they kept me out of trouble. So I I got a full scholarship uh to wrestle at Cal State Bakersfield. They had they had took third in in the the the country in the NCAs the year before. It was a big opportunity. And so I was finally gonna come home to California. It had been three years, right? I was I was now gonna be 18 years old, right? Although, you know, nobody was probably looking for me, more so the cops than anybody else, right? And I was gonna I was gonna go go and wrestle and have a great life, right? Like I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs during this time, right? Like this this three years, and I'd kind of shaped up my life. And uh so I had to go play in this shrine football game in the summer. It was the last

 Scholarship Thrown Away

SPEAKER_03 29:01

thing I had to do. I was nominated, I said I'd go. So I flew, and it was the practice facilities were three weeks. It was at Dartmouth, Dartmouth University, right? And man, like all of a sudden, like though my old thinking kicked in. I'll never forget. I was I was walking back from practice. I'm 17, gonna be 18 years old. I had my shirt off in between two days at the for the shrine event, and a little hot blonde rolls by and and um and she like says something out the window. And next thing you know, like I'm talking to her. She's a junior in college. I'm not even in college yet, right? And I wasn't allowed to date, drink, party, or anything and uh for three years. And man, it was like it was like it never stopped that old, it was like it, it was like that that three-year break never happened because within days I was hanging out with her, sneaking out of the dorms, right? Missing curfew for this, you know, this this sporting event that was supposed to be an honor, right? My whole family's flying in from all over the country to watch me play in this football game. And and uh I get busted the night before the game, sneaking out. And I I and I lose my starting position. I end up playing in the game, I end up, you know, doing well, getting an interception, like it ends up working out, right? But like what a what a what a consequence, right? Like to, you know, all my family members flying out, you know, across the country to see me. And you know, I'm sneaking out to see some girl and drink with some, you know, older girl. And and and so I'm supposed to get on this plane, go back to California and roll at Cal State Bakersfield. Like I got my dorm picked out, and everything's like ready. And man, dude, all of a sudden I decide with four hours to get to get on this plane. I'm not going. I'm in love. I'm in love. And uh I just and I tell my parents and I tell my family, and they're just devastated, right? They're just devastated, right? But like they can't force me, right? So I end up, you know, trying to walk on at this little D3 school, local school, where, you know, where this girl goes to school and and I'm not enrolled in school. I never applied to school. I talked to the wrestling coach. He's like, Of course we'll have you. He's like, take two classes part-time. I'm like, I got no place to live. I'm not enrolled in school. He's like, I'll put you with these wrestlers. And they lived in the Delta Kai frat house, these two wrestlers. So I'm crashing at the Delta Kai frat house, and a couple of them are renting like a uh another house, like right. So I somehow they make it work. So I'm living with these three wrestlers, and and it's just a straight little D3 New England party school. Like on Thursday to from Thursday to Sunday, there's tech parties at 18 different locations, and that's how everybody makes their money to pay their rent and live on is these tech parties. And I'm all of a sudden I'm living, I'm living there. And uh, and so, anyways, you probably want no want to know what happened to the girl, right? So obviously school starts and her boyfriend comes back and she makes it know she she she makes it knowing that I was just a little weekend, you know, little fling. And so now I've I've basically, you know, screwed off my whole future, threw away at one of the top top wrestling schools in the country at the time, and uh I'm stuck in a a frat house slash you know tank house with no girlfriend and uh no money, and uh and I'm taking two classes at a D3 school. And uh so I I learned how to drink in the next three months. Like I learned how to drink, like I learned how to drink, like we drank. And when we're done drinking, we'd go to wrestling practice, and then after wrestling practice, we'd drink and then we'd you know, repeat it. Like, and uh man, uh, and and that's how I made some money because we threw these parties, like right Thursday and Friday, we'd throw these parties, and then you know, there something happened. My my my grandfather had died, and and uh my grandmother was alone. She ended up dying about eight

 Frat Life & Drinking

SPEAKER_03 33:01

months after he died. But like uh, you know, my grandfather and grandmother, like they they came out one last time to New England, and they were everybody was trying to get me to see my grandparents who were like my my idols, my my soul. They were the only stability I knew growing up. And uh I was so fucked up and so drunk that like I I didn't want to even see him, and I didn't have to do much to see him. Like all I had to do was make a call. They were gonna come over, give me a quick hug, kiss. And it's one of my biggest regrets, you know. Really one of my one of my biggest regrets. And and so here's what happened, Austin. I don't know. Like, I don't know what happened, like what most people's like moment of clarity should have been, but like, so I'm drunk. Um, I'm drunk on a on a Saturday, right? We had a huge uh Friday night party. I'm like passed out in the bathtub, like total John Belushi animal house scenes. It's like half naked chicks sprawled around. My roommates are just sprawled around on the floors, the couches, the house is trashed, right? Like after the keg party in the basement, it always ended up being after party upstairs, right? And so, and I'm somehow I made it in the bathtub, and I'm just like half drunk, half hung over. I don't know. I just and all of a sudden there's a nudge on my shoulder, wakes me up, right? And it's uh my godfather, that same guy who had shaped me up and and knocked me out, and standing next to him is uh army recruiter. And he said, uh, he said, EJ, because that's what they used to call me. Like, you you're going nowhere. Like you're back to where you were when I got you. Like you're you're not going to class, you you screwed up every opportunity, right? You've already been picked up for disorderly contact twice, like, you know, like like you're headed for a bad place. And I want you to hear what this man says. And what that man said was that I could go to Germany and wrestle on the you know, all army Greco Roman team. He said I'd be get a $50,000 signing bonus guaranteed station in Germany, and uh, you know, and and that I could sign today. And I I've always made quick decisions, Austin, right? Like as you can see, I made quick decisions. I got shipped across the country in 12 hours, and in about, you know, 33 minutes, I enrolled in the United States Army. You know, they took me down, had me take the ASVAB. And next thing you know, you know, I I'm on a cattle car in in in Fort Sill, Oklahoma, a lot in Oklahoma, right? I'm on a cattle car, and um it like dawned on me like, how'd I get here? Like, how did I get here? Like, you know, next thing you know, like we're doing push-ups, we're getting dusted, flutter kicking. I got guys yelling at me, telling me I'm a piece of shit, right? And I'm just asking myself, how did I get here? They told me I was gonna go to Germany, drink beer, see beautiful women, and wrestle. And now now I'm in the middle of Oklahoma, you know, uh uh basin. And and and so I don't know what you do when you're in uncomfortable spots, but I'll tell you what I did, right? I'm in basic training, you know, I'm miserable. I'm maxed a PT test, I shoot sharpshooter. Like I'm two weeks from graduating, going to AIT, getting closer to Frankfurt, Germany. And like, I don't know, one one day I just got a case of the fuckets and I decided I want to get a tattoo. And I snuck out, low crawled out the base, got in a cab, went to Wichtap Falls, Texas, got a tattoo, and nothing really happened. Like I ended up getting Article 15 because somebody snitched on me, right? So but it was a little fine, not a big deal. Next uh about three days later, I'm like, I'm gonna do it again. And this time this time I went to downtown Lauden, I went to the strip bars and and had a blast and snuck back in a base. And I I just started repeating this and repeating this. And I'm only like two weeks away from graduating and going to EIT, one one step from freedom, right? And uh, and all of a sudden I meet this girl. Uh, once again, I'm I meet her, and uh she looks at me and she said, They don't make guys

 Joins the Army

SPEAKER_03 37:01

like you in Texas. I'm from Dallas, I'm up here visiting, right? And she's like, I'm actually up here for a wedding. And I don't know, what I heard is she loved me. And and so the next day I snuck out of base, I went to Walmart, I bought some clothes, and I called her and said, Can I go to that wedding with you? And I went to the wedding, and then we kind of like hung out for a little bit, and and I was just in love, right? And and and so, you know, I go back to the army, she goes back to Dallas, right? And the Oklahoma City bombing, like it just happened. So the whole base is kind of like on alert. And uh, and I call her like one one afternoon, and I'm like, come get me. She's like, Really? And I'm like, Yeah. So she drives the three and a half hours up to Lauden in a red fire bird. She pulls up. I'd low crawl at a base and jump in her car, and I never went back, right? I never went back. I just didn't tell anybody, just jumped in her car and off to Dallas. I went. And and man, six months later I got a knock on the door, and it was the military police, and they tracked me down in Allen, Texas. And uh they said, You need to come with me, you need to come with us, Privacy ASIO. And they took me down to Dallas maps, and right, and they didn't know what to do with me. They didn't know what to do with me. They're like, they had never seen anything like this before, right? They'd seen a lot of people go AWOL, they'd seen a lot of people, you know, screw up, but like this was one they'd kind of never seen, right? Like um, and and so they they looked at me and they're like, Do you know that you can be court-martial, tried for treason, and and and shot or hang right now? And I'm like, What are you talking about? It's like we're at war, Bosnio Kosovo, right? And I'm like, oh shit. You know, and uh right, so it got real for a second, and then they they they sat me down, they put me in a cell, and and uh they brought me in and they they looked at me and they said, you know what, like you're not worth our time. We're gonna give you a general discharge and classify it as failure to adapt. And that was the first time I I had heard failure to adapt, right? Uh and and that's really the story of my life. I've always been had a had a problem adapting. And uh, and so they let me out of the army and now I'm a line cook. I've never had a job in my life, right? Except throwing parties at a at a you know little frat house, and I'm a line cook, breaking out in sweat hives, and and and and then I try a couple other random jobs working at a gas station, pumping like concierge gas, and I'm just struggling. I'm out here in Texas, and she ends up getting pregnant. That's what happens, right? I'm 18 years old. I've already dropped out of a college, went AWOL from the army, and I'm now I'm gonna be a father, and I got no life skills. I have no life skills, and uh, you know, I I do the I make the best of it, like best of an alcoholic drug addiction, I guess, right? Like, and obviously that relationship didn't work, you know. It did not work, you know, and uh and I'll fast forward a little bit. I end up back in California, she stays in Texas, you know, and and uh I start running amok pretty hard in Santa Clara, California, just drinking and doing drugs. My drug use starts amplifying a little bit, and it's still pretty mellow, right? But like I now I've met Xanax, I've you know, I I've met some harder drugs, cocaine, and uh, you know, it's no longer weed and and and just alcohol, right? And and so like I just I just kind of hit the skids a little bit, like and just I'm doing nothing. I'm sleeping on mom's couch, I'm depressed because this chick's got my kid. And uh that that stepfather I told you is now sober uh at this time about about 18 years. And uh about about 16 years. He's sober about 16 years, and he comes in and we developed a pretty good relationship. He'd been there through all this struggle, and he, you know, like and we developed a pretty good relationship. And uh he says, I think you should check out, you know, this 12-step recovery program. And uh, and he drops me off at my first meeting, right? And he doesn't go up

 Goes AWOL in Dallas

SPEAKER_03 41:01

with me, he just says, Hey, like you'll find your people up there, like just go up there and find your people. And and uh I'll never forget like the first I'm here while listening to all these guys share in this 12-step, you know, recovery meeting, and they're sharing, they're sharing about their life and all these blessings, and it's my turn, it's my turn to share. And so I just remember saying, like, I don't know about you guys, you you you drug addicts and you alcoholics and you guys, but like I'll tell you why I'm here. I'm just trying, I'm just trying to get sober long enough to to to kill this bitch and get my kid back. And that's what I said. That's what I that's what I said, right? And I got these crazy looks, and and they just told me to keep coming back and keep coming back, and and next thing you know, I'm playing Pinochle in the back of the room before the meetings and after the meetings, and you know, and what really happened, Austin, and I know I know a lot of people's stories is like this, is is God started just you know putting little breadcrumbs in front of front of me because I had no intention of getting clean or sober at that point. I had no intention, and and and and I got little breadcrumbs, and all of a sudden somebody gave me a little job and couch to sleep on. I'm not uh on mom's mom's uh mom's couch. I'm living with these guys in recovery, and and I'll never forget what the my the first life-changing moment I had, and I was sitting in a meeting. I just walked in, I was I wasn't even sitting down, I was in the back room, big, big meeting, like 180 people in this meeting, and uh I saw this, I saw this girl. She got up and she went to share, and man, she looked like the Noxema girl. She looked like the Noxema girl. She's 118 pounds, the most beautiful, pale white skin, and just angelic eyes. And I saw her from the back of the room, and and I don't know, man. I the only thing that could come out of my mouth was like, I'm gonna marry that chick one day. And um, and that was the first time I I ever uh saw Celine Siascio. And uh and it uh and that was that was that was 27 years ago, but um, and nothing much happened. I was this this newcomer guy. I was just this newcomer guy, right? Had 20 minutes sober, nine pot to piss in. And uh, you know, many moons, many moons later, after we were married and we popped out a bunch of kids, her two best friends happened when I they happened to be sitting in the back of that room that night and they'd never told her. Wow, and they heard me say that. And they said, We heard you say that a long time ago. Wow, you know, and uh I wish I could tell you, uh Austin, that it's been Sunshine and Rainbows, and that like I have that storybook, you know, love story that I've always been, you know, this great husband, and that it's been just man, just been a been a rad experience because like it started out like that storybook, but you know, uh I've never been, you know, I've never been able to just adapt to situations. And all of a sudden, like I I met my dream girl, we got married, we started popping out kids. I got a second chance to be a father, you know, uh through these recovery programs. I I got some hope and I started accomplishing things in in business in life that a 22-year-old kid, because I'm 22-year-old uh at this point, should have no business accomplishing. No business. You know, I I didn't have a college degree. In fact, I only I only had six college credits. And uh at the time it was almost impossible to to work for a Wall Street firm. You know, a lot has changed since, but that's back when you had to have an MBA to be guaranteed and a BA and the right dad to, you know, to get in these firms. And, you know, I had a pursuit of happiness type story. I was young in in in sobriety, and uh this guy told me, like, hey, you can do anything. And so

 Cocaine & First AA Meeting

SPEAKER_03 45:01

So I just started calling. I started calling this guy, called him every day for 30 days, told him I wanted to work for him. I want to be a stockbroker. You know, next thing you know, I'm working for UBS. You know, next thing you know, man, we pop out a couple other kids. Now I'm working for Merrill Lynch. You know, next thing you know, I'm about eight, nine, eight, I'm in recovery for about eight to nine years at this point. And I'm working for Fidelity Investments, managing $2.7 billion. You know, and all went well for a while for me. Right? All went well for a while, you know, and uh it looked like I was on the verge of having a a great life. And uh what happened is is is I was living a lie, you know. I I I was I was sponsoring, you know, seven to eight guys. I was going to meetings, I was the guy who was showing up in suits that everybody looked up to. And on the inside, I was still a liar, cheating a thief. You know, I'd broken every vow that I'd made to that woman. I had uh I'd lied to everybody I encountered. Most of all, I lied to myself, right? And and what was going on is I always felt like a fraud. Right? I always felt like a fraud. I've always felt like I didn't belong. And what happened is then Sandy returned. Insanity returned, and I had no choice but to use again. And I was in Dallas, Texas. I just got the biggest promotion of my life. I was doing a training out there. I this promotion was pretty much gonna ensure my family would be able to live any life they wanted. You know, and uh and we were at a bar, and I was all I was always the clean and sober one. All my co-workers worked, and there's this little shot girl, she was uh little NASCAR shot outfit, and I'll never forget, she came by with this this shot, this you know, shot bottle, and she said she lifted my head back and I opened my mouth and she poured it in. And uh, and that's how it happened. And it was not a lot of thought. It just it was not a lot of thought. I was just broken inside and like right. And uh what happened is and I don't know if anybody, any listeners have ever relapsed, right? But but I'll tell you how my beautiful wife and family found out about my relapse, right? So that was at about 9 p.m. and about 12:30, you know, a.m. one o'clock a.m. I get a call from Celine and she says, honey, I said, Yes. She says, Are you at a restaurant? And I said, Yes. She says, Do they have waitresses? And I said, Yes. She said, Are they wearing clothes? I'm like sorry. And uh, and uh Amax had called her and told her uh just wanted to make sure the $3,800 and credit card charges uh, you know, were valid. And she looked up on Google or, you know, whatever search engine at the time and realized that I was at a uh, you know, I was at a gentleman's club. You know, and then she asked me, she asked me if I was sober, and I said no. And I had to fly back home the next day, you know. Uh my wife's sober 35 years today of continuous, you know, sobriety and in good standing. And good standing, right? So you can imagine here she is with, you know, with four children, young children, right? And I'm the sole provider at the time. And we have I'm building this life for our family, and and we do, you know,

 Meets Celine

SPEAKER_03 48:31

we met in recovery, we share a life of recovery, and all of a sudden, I drink, you know, and I use. And uh, and and so what really happens is I I I got I got four hours to figure out what to tell this woman. And uh I told her the only thing that I I knew would work because I knew how much she loved me and I knew how much she loved 12-step recovery. And I told I I told her I didn't think I was an alcoholic or drug addict. I told her that the instructions in in the literature of these 12-step recovery programs clearly state that if I didn't think so, that I should, you know, that I should go try some controlled drinking and using. Yep. And I and I knew what she would say because she's a believer of those principles. And uh, and so for the next eight years, I destroyed our life. Wow. Wow. I didn't I didn't attempt one recovery in the next eight years. I went from the creative creative artist building, the most exclusive bus uh building in Beverly Hills, Century City, and that big job, to living on in motels on beach and ball. You know, I had blue hair, I was 165 pounds, and I hadn't seen my kids with my wife in what seemed like eight 18 months, you know, but it was a long time. See, my wife was cool, bro. You know, like this is this, she's like I got blessed when I found her because like most wives, you destroy their lives, you abandon them, you defraud them, you know, you take their money out of their bank account, you destroy their children, like when it and you run amok, like most wives, like most wives are gonna tell you like where you can go, where you can go take it when you call them and and ask to see your kids. And and here's what my wife said. She says, Ernie, I'm never gonna keep you away from your children. I only have one request. You gotta be clean and sober one day before you see them. You don't have to be sober the day before that day or the day after that day. But I need to get I need you to have one day before you see the kids. We don't have to talk about our marriage, we don't have to talk about, you know, the future. We don't have to talk about anything. But if you want to see your kids, you just gotta get one day clean and sober. And I'll tell you, Austin, I couldn't get one day clean and sober. I missed graduations, I missed, I missed birthdays, I missed Christmas, I missed funerals. Like, I couldn't get one day clean and sober, you know. And I'm grateful that the California Department of Corrections ended

 Nine Years Sober

SPEAKER_03 51:02

up being my Eskimo. And what happened is I I hadn't slept for four or five days, and uh and uh, you know, I couldn't drive, so I had one of the females that was with me drive the car. And she made an illegal left-hand turn, and the next thing you know, we were pulled over, and I had a bunch of dope in the car, enough dope to send me away for a long time. And I'll never forget, like they pulled us out of the cars, I'm handcuffed behind my back, the whirly birds uh going overhead, right? And the guy comes over to me and he says, Hey, we found a bunch of dope. Um we found a bunch of dope. We think there's a lot more, right? We think there's a lot more in the car, right? They found some dope. I'm one of the guys that was in the car and the girls. And then, like, we think there's a lot more dope. We got the dogs coming. And here's the thing like I knew exactly what to say. My dad was a 1%, you know, outlaw biker. I'd been running amok long enough, right? I'd spent enough time on the streets to know exactly what to say. There's there's three other people in the car, one's a two-striker. All I have to do is say nothing. All I had to do was say nothing. And I looked up to the heavens above and I knew it was time to come in. And what I told that man was there was a bunch of dope in that car. He didn't need to bring the the the dogs, and it was all mine. And uh, I don't know, looking back, I don't know if that was a great idea because but uh but next thing you know, I have two felonies, one uh for narcotics trafficking, right? I can never be a stockbroker again, I can never hold a professional license again, right? And uh and I'm looking at up to up to four and a half years in state prison. Thank God it was in California, in Florida or Texas, it would have been 20. Right. And and what saved my bacon was that the all those years, you know, being in recovery, uh, this was m would have been my first adult offense. Like, and the truth is the the district attorney was so shocked. He's like, How the hell can you get butt busted with all this stuff? How can you look like this? How can you how can you be living this life and you've never been arrested before as an adult? And it was all due to the 12-step recovery programs and that previous, you know, eight and eight and a half, almost nine years of recovery. Like I'd stayed out of trouble, you know? And uh, and all my trouble was as a youth. So, like the they gave me a deal. They basically told me that they would give me four four and a half years in state prison, but they would suspend it if I did four and a half years of felony probation. They gave me hundreds of hours of community service. I had to check in every week, uh to test every week, I had to pay money. And uh I said, okay. And what what happened, Austin, was like I hadn't seen my wife for a long time. She never came to visit me in jail, right? Like while I was waiting to go to trial and stuff. And and uh, you know, but she knew I was getting out. My sister had gone to the last hearing, and and so she had passed the message that if I if if I wanted to if I wanted to to talk about my future, that like she'd be there one last time, but like, but she wasn't gonna be she wasn't gonna be at the jail. She was gonna be 20 miles away and to call her, she was gonna be in in Culver City, she wasn't gonna be downtown to pick me up, but like if I really wanted to talk, to call her, and she'd be there. And uh I got out and I there was a moment where I could have gone left or I could have gone right. Like there were some guys going to run them up and party. And for some reason, like I went to the payphone and I called my wife and I said, I want to talk. And she's like, Okay. She's like, I'll come get you and we can talk. And I got in the car when she said Austin, she said, like, I already have the divorce papers drawn up. And she showed them to me. She's like, I just gotta sign them. She's like, but I don't want to sign him. And she said, but here's my terms. You gotta go back into recovery and you gotta get a sponsor and you gotta check out this church with me. And she's like, if you're willing to do that, then I'm gonna give it one last shot.

unknown 55:07

Wow.

 The Relapse

SPEAKER_03 55:07

And uh, and of course I said yes, not even knowing what I was agreeing to, Austin. Didn't even know what I was agreeing to, right? Because I will tell you, like, using and drinking for eight years without any type of meeting or intervention in between, like it really scrambled my brain. Like I was I was pretty scrambled, right? And and so, so on the way up there, right, I she's like, and you need to get a sponsor, right? Like that was that term. And I'd so I'd asked about this guy, Glen C. And I had said, Glen C still around. And the reason I'd asked for Glen C is he's the only man in that previous nine-year, almost nine-year recovery had told me I was a liar, achievement, thief, and piece of shit. Like I didn't even know the guy. I ended up in his car one day going to a poker tournament and out of blue, he just assaulted my character. And I was so and I was so offended, I was so offended, right, that everything he said was true. And he was the only one who could see it. He was the only one who could see it. So I asked about this guy, and she said, Yeah, in fact, he's pretty active. I said, Well, I'm gonna talk to him, give me his number. And uh, you know, Glenn had been a liar, a cheat, and a thief, and he didn't have to get loaded to start over, you know, and and he'd changed his life, he had changed his life, and he could see that in me when he said that to me. He could see I was a liar, cheating, and a thief because he had been one, and he had got away from what I was getting away with, and uh, and so I so I go up to Santa Clarita, and obviously we have no money. Like we're living at her dad's house, which is a trap house, basically, a house that that literally probably should have been condemned. There was rats in the wall, there's you know, bees in the wall. When you turned on the microwave power on your television, and both of the rooms would go out. Like it was just an old house and it wasn't taken care of, right? But I was grateful. You know, my father-in-law, rest in peace, Stony Hayes. You know, he was always there for me. He was always there to try to at least give me the whatever hand up he could and speak positivity over my life. And so he he let me move, you know, the wife and the kids in there, and he gave us a small little room, about 400 square feet that he had available. And there there was six of us there, right? And uh I didn't know what to do. Like I I'm a felon now. So my my wife, she's waiting tables day and night. And uh man, I wanted to run so bad. I wanted to go get loaded so bad, right? I had zero hope. And and so I called Glenn and I asked Glenn, like, if I could meet him, he's like, Yeah, yeah, I heard you're back. I heard you're back. Like Selena Selena told my wife that you're back, of course. And you know, he had already knew where I was, he had already knew how fall far I'd fallen down, right? And he looked at me and he says, like, what do you want to do, son? And I basically looked at him and I said, I don't know, I feel like I want to die. Like I feel I feel like I want to die. You know, and uh I'll never forget it. He told me I didn't have to live the the way I was living no more. He said that I could become anything I was capable of becoming as long as I put forth the effort and that I could have anything in this world that my heart desired, as long as I didn't hurt God's kids and and and break the law. And and I'll tell you what I thought, Austin, when he told me that. I thought, fuck you with your lawyer wife and your and and your big general contracting business. I'm like, I don't think you heard me. Like, I want to die, like I got nothing. And then what he said before I could spew any poison out of my mouth is I know you don't believe any of that, but I believe it. And uh he gave me a commitment list, and I had to go to 17 meetings a week for my, you know, every week, and I had to show up 15 minutes before, 15 minutes after, right, to greet. And I had to raise my hand to read one of the readings, right? And I'd fall short. I don't know about you, but like I I was spun, right? So I'd fall short. I'd get there, I'd get there 13 minutes before to greet, and then the coffee break, the phone would ring, somebody would run over, they'd give me the cell phone, they'd be like, somebody wants to talk to you, and it'd be Glenn telling me my word was no good and hanging up on me that I was supposed to be there 15 minutes, you know. And and then, and then all of a sudden, uh secretary of the meeting, she she uh she don't pick on me to read to read the the reading, she picks on this other guy. I'm sitting there, coffee break, phone rings. It's Glenn telling me friggin' telling me my words no good, that I'm not gonna make it. And and this was like my life for the first six or nine months of this recovery. And and so one day I'd go to Glenn and I'm like, I don't understand like why you keep saying that, man. Like I'm trying, like I'm trying. I'm like, what am I supposed to do? I raise my I raise my hand, I raise my hand, and the lady don't call on me. And he said, he says, son, you're supposed to go tell that that person that makes that decision that your life depends on leading that. He says, I keep telling you that your word's no good because I want you to understand that what when it comes down to drinking and and using, you're gonna break your word every time, like you always have. And he says, son, you need to find a spiritual experience. And and you know, and slowly we went through the steps. And and I'd like to tell you that Austin that it got better quick for me, and for for an audience that's listening, man, everybody like wants to they want to know that if they start making these changes, their life's gonna get better. And I can tell you that I suffered for eight years to get back into recovery. And I suffered for four years after after I got back. Like we like I was sweeping a parking lot for minimum wage. Celim was working those two jobs. We barely had enough money to feed the kids. We were on food stamps still living it with my father-in-law,

Drug Bust & Arrest

SPEAKER_03 1:01:02

and uh we had one car that had 220,000 miles in it. And man, if when we started that thing, you could hear it 16 miles away, the rattling of the Catholic uh converters, you know, like we just had a really tough life. Like, and I wanted to quit so many times. I wanted to quit so many times, but like God always showed up those breadcrumbs, right? God always showed up those breadcrumbs. And uh what happened is I finally, I had finally surrendered at three years clean and sober. It wasn't like when I had done the step. It wasn't like when I had, you know, experienced like in the process, but here was here's where it was. I had uh I'd went to this trade show, I'd started working with this guy in the packaging business, and my I didn't have any money, and I was too prideful to ask for a draw to be able to even pay for taxi cab from the hotel or wherever I was gonna stay to the conference, and and he had offered it, but like I wouldn't take it. And uh and my sister had a trade show at the same time, so she drove me up there to Austin, and and what she she would drop me off at the trade show, and you know, she's just watching me like and and and I got no money, and she's having to hand me out a couple bucks. And this is my ride or die. This was the latchkey sister, the one who was on the streets running among. So she's my and we leave the trade show, and about 50 miles outside of Vegas on our way back to Cali via car, she starts ripping into me. She starts ripping into me, telling me, like, dude, you were my hero, you were my idol, you were my big brother, you were always there to take care of me. She's like, You've been so fucked up the last 15 years. Like, you've been so selfish, you've been so bad with money, you haven't given a shit about your kids, right? And she just wouldn't stop. And any other time in my life, I would have recoiled and unleashed hell and fury through, you know, attacks, verbal attacks at her. But I just sat there and took it. And I just can't even tell you to this day why I sat there and took it. So I for the next two, two and a half hours, I just sat there and took it and took it and took it and didn't say a word, good or bad. And I got home and I went and looked in the mirror. And I had that moment where I said, She's right. It's nobody else's fault. It's not Celine's fault, it's not my mom's fault, it's not my dad's fault for never being there, it's not God's fault, like it's mine. And I just had to surrender and I said I was gonna do things different, I was gonna change things and make some changes. And I went to Celine and told her I was gonna make some changes, and I told her she didn't have to do it, like she didn't have to make these changes, but it was something I need to do. And uh and that moment changed my life. It changed my life, Austin. And uh what really happened was Glenn, Glenn's always been part of my life. He's today still still still in my life, my best friend, my mentor, my spiritual advisor, and and he had had me write down everything I wanted my life to look like in one year, three years, and five years of recovery. And I did. And every time I opened that envelope and read what I wrote, I had a little more and a little more. And uh, like I said, we we suffered like my those wants on that first list were just like to gain the respect of my wife back, to have my kids look at me with love, to be able to help provide in some way. They weren't grandiose, they weren't grandiose things. And uh, and then at three years it was simpler, it was simpler to maybe be able to provide an apartment for my family, right? Like the most simple, simple things. And at five years to be able to right, to be able to provide some type of future and hope for my kids, whether it was extracurricular events or supporting, maybe saving for their college, right? The simplest things. Nothing like the grandiose ideas I had when I was working on Wall Street many months ago, you know? And uh and I'll tell you, something changed at five years of recovery for me. Glenn told me, You're struggling still, son. You're still struggling. I see how hard you're working. You're you're sweeping parking lots, you're working at night, you're struggling. And he said, probably the most profound thing I've ever heard. I mean, it is, it's gonna change generations, what that man told me that day. He said, Helps God's kids and he will make you rich. And all of a sudden I got active in mentorship and service in these recovery programs, and even outside them. And uh I don't know, I have a hard time telling my story Austin because it I don't want it to sound braggadocious and I really struggle telling it because of that fact. But like I painted a picture, I painted a picture to you what life looked like at five years of recovery still, and the suffering and the pain, and I was doing everything right. That and uh um, you know,

Finding His Sponsor

SPEAKER_03 1:06:02

I can tell you today at almost 12 years, it looks nothing like that. Like, right, I I all I ever wanted to do was be successful and feel a part of and be able to adapt to society, right? And uh, and I but I think God had a plan because like sweeping those parking lots for minimum wage, pushing those boxes for $100 a shift, you know, I I I learned about work ethic, I learned about humility, I learned about how to respect people. Like I learned all the things that I never learned growing up, or that I never cared. And and so what my life looks like today is that you know, I have uh nine kids. And uh it's because throughout this this almost 12 years, like God has put kids in our lives that needed parents, and that that and so like we just started pulling them off the streets and we made them part of our family, like in the will kids. Like when I say I have nine kids, like in the will, like they all get treated the same. Yeah, yeah. And uh, you know, and you you got to hear from Dallas, you know, he's probably one of the greatest miracles I've ever seen, and one of my greatest blessings. But you put you, you know, I have an another adopted son named Tyler and Jordan, and we have Michelle, and then we have our five biological children. So we have nine, we have nine children today, and uh I'd most of them work for the family business, and I get to work with them every day. In fact, in fact, right now, all nine of them work for one of the family businesses, you know? And uh I got seven grandchildren with another one on the way. And I'm sure I'm sure that number is gonna grow. Um man, this is a tough one, man. Like uh God has blessed me with being an employer over the last uh over the last five or six years. I've had the pleasure of employing almost 2,000 people. Today we still have a couple hundred employees that work for us. Um and uh man, I have no I have no financial worry like I've or or fear, like God has provided so much in abundance to the point that Celine and I can be generous to God's kids without fear of being able to think that we may go without. And we that's what we try to do, right? And that's just so far. Like, how do you get from there to here? Like, how do you how do you go from that hopeless to this life? And it can only be through God and and and these recovery programs, you know. And my message, right? Like when people that I encounter Austin, when they tell me how tough it is, and when they're, you know, like I look at them and I'm like, and I tell them, and it's like I don't have any empathy because I was there, but what I but what I have is a lot of hope. I have a lot of hope. And then I tell them my story, right? But like I I I look for those people because the hole that we had to dig out, the suffering that we had to go to go through just to be where we are today, you know, what it does is it strengthens your relationship, you know, in this power, this God, because like he was there the whole time. The breadcrumb crumbs. I have thousands of stories I could tell you, Austin, about the little breadcrumbs that kept us going, you know, the small blessings, the the the teachers, the mentors, the the the stewards, right, that we we've encountered. And uh, you know. I mean, it's if you would have told me I would have the life I have today, I'd say there's no way. You know, and and and I tell people just come come follow us, come look at this beautiful family that God has given me. I'm I'm I was just a wretch. I was undeserving wretch who'd abandoned my wife and kids and couldn't get a day cleaning sober to see him. So like I I'm really grateful you had me come on. I struggle to tell my story because of the reasons I told you, because I don't like that that it sounds grandiose and you know, but man, God did the God did the impossible for me and for my family. I mean, but I had to do I had to do the possible. I had to work, I I had to work hard. I had to do shit that would make a billy goat

What Freedom Looks Like

SPEAKER_03 1:10:18

puke.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:20

Count countless, countless, countless hours and hours and thousands of hours of reading and writing and and and work. And and so like my message to anybody who's listening is is really like this this life is available for all of us, but like, but like it comes at a price. Self-sacrifice, self-sacrifice and a deep faith, and and and and then once once you get that life, you gotta pay it for it. And so I love you, bro. This is I'm so impressed by this podcast, and I'm so uh I I so I so am a fan. And uh, we watched last week's, and I'm just so grateful you're doing this because I think it's such such a message of hope. And that's what that's really what people need, man. They need a message of hope. And uh I appreciate you, brother.

Outro

SPEAKER_00 1:11:12

Dude, you too, man. And I'll tell you, when you were and I've never met Celia, and I hope I get to meet her soon, but I feel like I know her, dude. And when you were telling that story, I'm married to a woman that is, you know, I tell her all the time, as long as her denial holds up, you know, our marriage is probably gonna be great, right? But but but she was she was similar to that for me, you know. She always pushed me in a direction that was far beyond what I thought I could do. And so, man, just uh I appreciate you so much for coming on and telling that story, brother. That was that was a message of hope. Was a message of hope, man. And so cool. Well, for anyone listening, thanks for tuning in. My name's Austin. We are gonna get the hell out of here. We'll catch you on the next one. Bye bye.