Pushing Against God's Pull

Sis Ashley joins us at the desk to share her journey and how sometimes we push against the very calling God has placed on our lives. A conversation about resistance, surrender, and learning to lean into where God is leading.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 1:11

As always, the best way to support us is to like, share, subscribe, to go ahead and hit that follow button, subscribe button, share button, comment, uh, give us your thoughts, your feedback. We love to hear it. Uh, we are joined today by a very special guest, uh, my sister, sister Ashley Brooks, has uh decided to pull up to the desk today. Um, and uh we have an awesome testimony. She has, she has an awesome testimony to share with you guys. I know it's gonna be a blessing to you. Uh, Sister Ashley, how you doing today, sweetie?

SPEAKER_05 1:47

Good evening. I'm doing well. I'm doing well. How you doing?

SPEAKER_03 1:51

I'm doing great. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining. Thank you for all your patience. Uh as we have uh we have been through some things to try to uh get this together. So I definitely do appreciate your time and uh your willingness to be flexible and join us today. That just shows your heart uh and the Holy Spirit is working in you, and that patience is definitely appreciated. So uh I want to just go ahead and get uh really get started, dive right in. If you could just uh uh give me a little bit about you, just introduce yourself uh to the people.

SPEAKER_05 2:29

Hey y'all, so I again I'm Ashley, affectionately known as Ash. Um I'm just here walking with the Lord, y'all. That's all I got for the people to introduce myself. Everything I do, I do with God in mind, like doing it to the glory of God. So what y'all see of me online, I work, I serve. Serving is my passion, whatever capacity that is. So that's it. That's really it. I serve the Lord always. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:00

That is good enough for me. That is definitely good enough for me. So now, Sister Ashley, I know I understand that you um attend an awesome church uh back where out there where you are out in Maryland. Uh, if you want, uh go ahead and shout out your church and your uh your good shepherd, your pastor.

SPEAKER_05 3:22

So I attend Liberation Church in Clinton, Maryland. Shout out to my bishop, Bishop Izzar and First Lady Tiffany. Hey y'all.

SPEAKER_03 3:32

All right, amen. Thank God, thank God for the man uh for the man and woman of God that's uh shepherd and that's a beautiful soul. Uh awesome. So, Ash, uh, we uh go ahead and just get started now. Just tell me a little bit about the Ashley before she found her faith.

SPEAKER_06 3:51

Ooh. Ooh, we're saying, Praise God, glory.

SPEAKER_03 4:01

It's gonna be all right, nah. It's all it's all right, nah. Like it, like they say, every saint was a sinner.

SPEAKER_05 4:07

Listen, before Christ, Ashley was wicked, was wild, was a party goer, was a drinker, was a cursor. Like I I cursed like a sailor. I was I used to lie about little stuff. Like, why'd you even lie about that? Instead of just telling the truth. Ashley was um a person who didn't know how to set boundaries. I did not know how to communicate in a healthy way. Um, I used to basically do the stuff that I teach my kids not to do, throw temper tantrums and stuff that didn't go my way instead of effectively expressing myself. Um, yeah, Ashley was night and day from then in hell. I don't know who she was.

SPEAKER_03 4:53

So at what at what at what at what point in the journey before, like I said, before Christ, what was it that that pricked your heart and said, like, oh, this it's time for a change. This is this is not who I'm supposed to be. Uh that there's more for me to do than this wild, this wildin' out stuff. I I I supposed to be for the streets like this.

SPEAKER_05 5:22

So I got baptized in 2017. That came about because um where I used to live, um, we were walking one day to the store, my kid and I, and um, they were doing like outreach, and they gave us a flyer to come to Friends and Family Day. My mom, my cousin, and my son went and they said they enjoyed it. I always used to be the person that was like at church with the elders, like, what time is it? Is it time to go? You know, and the elders like, take your time, pass. And I'm just like, oh my goodness, please don't take your time. And so when they said they enjoyed it, I ended up attending and um I loved it. I was, I mean, like, I went again. This is worldly ash that I was just talking about drinking, partying, and everything that was not of God. And so when I went, I was with the expectation of what time are we leaving? And when I got there, we were having praise and worship, pastor was speaking, I was crying. I'm like, I'm not sad. Why am I crying? And I was like getting chills when he spoke, and when he did altar call, I was the first person there. Knowing what I know now, I know that was the Holy Spirit. Like, yeah, yeah, it's your time. So I was just like, I was excited after that. After that good cry, I was ready for the week. I felt like I could do this. I ended up getting baptized, like I said in 2017. I still was not there. I was like, I never grew up in church. I never was forced to go except like I used to go with friends. And as kids, you there because you taking me to McDonald's afterwards. So I wasn't really still there. Um, so even after I got baptized, I'm like, well, they always say, God knows your heart and God forgives. So that's how I still lived my life. 2018, I was in a car accident. The police were chasing these guys who had stolen a vehicle in DC. Um, the guys T-boned us off the road. I was in an Uber on my way home from work. T-boned us off the work, um, off the road. And um, yeah, ended up with cervical neuropathy from that. A few months later, I had a heart attack. Um, three months later, I had a stroke while I was at work. And still, like, even in the midst of these things, I'm still like not living for God. God's chasing me, He's saving me, and I'm still like doing my own thing. And so a year later, you know, that's when they was forcing like the COVID vaccines and stuff. I ended up having a reaction to one. I ended up getting a lump in one of my breasts. So I was getting tested for cancer, I had a mammogram, it was a whole lot of stuff. Still not pursuing a relationship with God. So slow down, so slow down, let me pause you right there.

SPEAKER_03 8:03

So you have been uh, because I don't want to speed past this. You got invited to the friends and family.

SPEAKER_06 8:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:15

You say, ah, y'all go ahead.

SPEAKER_06 8:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:19

Family came back, said listen, it was a great experience. So off of that, you went.

SPEAKER_06 8:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:27

In that moment, you felt the pull of God. Mm-hmm. And he you went up to the altar. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 8:37

Never been to an altar call before. Very. When he did altar call, I was there for prayer. And um, so yeah, like in the midst of all of this. So before the um after the accident, I had ended up one day, I was going there for probably about six, probably like a year, I'll say. Six months to a year. And Holy Spirit just was like, it's time. And I was like, I asked the pastor, you know, I told him I wanted to get baptized. And um, the thing that makes my walk so personal for me is again, I never grew up in church. I was never forced. So I'm not knocking anyone who has, so please don't confuse that. But what I'm saying is, I think for me it hits a little different and it's a little more intimate because it's not that my mom was like, Let me take you up to the altar and get you uh baptized, you have to. It was no, I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit was like, Yeah. Oh, Ashley, gotta go. I need you, like, you are mine. I need you to understand you are mine. And so, yeah, even after the baptism, um, I still again wasn't living right. And so then that's when the um the lump in my breast happened. Two months, two and a half months later, after that, there was a mask between my breasts. So I had to get a biopsy. Luckily, that came out benign, and still you would think, like, Ashley, God is pursuing you. When I look back now, I'm grateful for my testimony because it had me where I am and serious about my walk and not playing about my walk and um play about it. And so, um, yeah, even then I wasn't. But what really got me like locked in, and I think it's probably a common thing that you have to hit rock bottom sometimes because when I was up here, when I was doing what I was doing in life, when I had it seemed like everything I was just doing what I wanted without repercussion, I was forgetting to pray, I was forgetting to include God. On my Sundays, when it was my Sunday to Usher, I would call out because I went and got drunk. I was too lazy to get up. I was just living foul still.

SPEAKER_03 10:59

Time out of play. In the midst of all this, and you had to call off from Usher. Yeah. Because you was you was hitting the club the night before.

SPEAKER_05 11:14

Yeah, I didn't even have to hit the club. I can be at home, take a bottle down, have friends over whatever. I was wild.

unknown 11:22

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 11:23

It was wild. Yeah, that's why I told you it's like night and day. That's the Ashley you originally met online, like a wild.

SPEAKER_03 11:31

And I had no idea.

SPEAKER_05 11:33

Yeah. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 11:35

It's crazy. Like, see, you really don't know who you're interacting with. Um you know what I mean? Like, I just saw this sweet, bubbly young lady that was just nice and kind to me. And you know what I mean? Because we had no, we had no mutual friends, we had no and somehow God, you know, crossed our paths. And so I didn't think anything of it, you know. Um, and every interaction was just it was just pure, genuine. It wasn't nothing ever, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I mean so I would have never I would have never guessed. Like what I'm saying, I would have never guessed. Like that's I'm telling you, it's crazy. That that's that's wild. So when you were when you were going through all this, so let's let's let's kind of backtrack a little bit because the T-bone, the the the the car accident. Now, typically I know the the mask was you know uh uh a scare and um and everything like that, but the accident. How when you got when you came up out of that, now I just gotta say most people be like, you know what, Lord, I got it. I you know, but it was still like how what were you what was what was going through your head at that moment when at that moment of impact and you got out of that and you got out a lot, um I'm soon that everybody survived, correct? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_06 13:12

Everyone survived.

SPEAKER_03 13:14

So what would what was what was your mindset at that moment in time?

SPEAKER_05 13:19

You want me, I mean, of course you want me to be honest. My mindset at that time was I had an I used to make an idol of money. So my mindset because I was in an Uber was oh this lawsuit's gonna go crazy. Oh, you were in an Uber. I was in an Uber, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:38

Gotcha. So your first thought was yo, I'm about to get paid.

SPEAKER_05 13:42

That was it. I was like, ooh, with the neck bracing all, walking around looking stiff. I was just like, oh, this about to be some money. I don't mean to laugh.

SPEAKER_03 13:57

I don't mean to laugh, but that's real talk. Like, yo, like you had a praise. Make sure you play, hey, how you doing? Praise the Lord, well. I guess.

SPEAKER_05 14:09

No, you gotta walk slow, you gotta hold your head down. I was really just like, oh yeah. First off, because I was a little conflicted because again, in DC, they have the no chase law. So unless someone's posing an imminent danger, which young and still in a vehicle is not imminent danger. Now, if they were shooting at you or doing something crazy, yes, then you can chase. But they just had you found the vehicle that was stolen. So they should not have been chasing. So I was like, Do I want to go after the police? But they keep lying because they're just like, oh, we we ended up here. But then I was like, but Uber already I know I'm gonna get paid because um they're liable because I was in their vehicle. I was being driven by, you know, their employees. So and at the time that was right before COVID hit. So it was like you could still do ride share. So I had a co-passenger in the back with me, and he and I were like, Hey, which lawyer are you using, what you doing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we were kind of conversing on like how you want to create. Yeah, I mean, he ended up not doing what he was supposed to do, but that's another story. But um, yeah, that was my mindset at the time. It was not like, oh, praise God that he saved me. That was not where my mind was at that time. Now, looking back again, I can say, I can feel like actually God was literally pursuing you. He was telling, like, he was girl, get it together. I'm giving you another chance. I'm giving you another chance. I'm giving you another chance. And then it was like this last time, which goes back to your original question, was he had this like, all right, I see, I gotta like really humble you. So in 2020, this twenty six, twenty twenty-four, um, I ended up losing my job. And because I worked in property management, I lived on site. So losing my job meant I lost my job. I lost my place. I don't remember I don't know if you remember when I had the puppy Teddy. That was like another kid. I used to he had his own bed, car Cena Stroller, dresser, he had boots, he had blankets, he had pajamas, he had clothes, shoes, jackets, sweaters, he had it all. Like he was another kid. So because I lost my job, I lost my place, I lost Teddy, my Jeep was repo, like I literally lost everything that was physical possession. And so that was a humbling experience, and that goes, you know, to God was like, I need you to draw close to me. I need you to realize you was idolizing that money, you were dependent on that money, you need to depend on me. And so that was the experience where I was like, Yeah, I can't do this by myself. Like, I can't keep trying to figure it out on my own. I can't keep depending on human people. I just can't do that. So that's when I really was like, Okay, God, I see what you're saying. Because again, forgetting to pray, calling out when it was my Sundays to usher, showing up like here and there, attitude was on the sanctuary thing you could think of. It was just so much going on. So yeah, 2024 God was like, mm-mm. Maybe since then I've been fully surrendered. But in 2023, at the end of 2023, is when I kind of started like really like, I gotta start opening my Bible for myself. I can't keep I can get fed for my pastor, but I need to start spoon feeding myself. Like he can give me some stuff, he can give me the ingredients, but I need to spoon feed myself. So the end of 2023 is when I was like, I'm no longer doing this, I'm no longer doing that. Like I just reached two years of uh being sober. I haven't had a drink for two years. Um, this not that train, like two years.

SPEAKER_03 17:50

Awesome.

SPEAKER_05 17:51

Yeah, and um blessing.

SPEAKER_03 17:54

Congratulations.

SPEAKER_05 17:55

Yeah, so yeah, that that whole 2024 experience was that game.

SPEAKER_03 18:01

That was like See, that's and that's one of the reasons why I always encourage anybody that's under my voice at any particular time, because at any point in time as a believer, what no matter what your title is, you can be more you you can become a minister in the moment. Yep. And so anytime that anybody's under my voice, I always encourage. Yes, you know, it's great that you're getting fed in the gatherings because community is very important. But you have to have a personal relationship, yes. Absolutely. And that's honestly where where if you think about it, when you reflect on it, a lot of your miracles, revelations, and everything happen when you're just one-on-one. You're in your car driving. Correct. And you get hit, or you you not not get hit, though. That was the wrong terminology use for you. But you know right, you know, when he when he touches when he touches you, or you know, you that those those midnight hour cops.

SPEAKER_04 19:07

I was about to say when he's waking you up out of your sleep.

SPEAKER_03 19:09

Yeah. Like Yeah. See, and it's and it's and it's it's different because that that that one-on-one relationship is what um is is truly binding and sealing uh with um, you know, when it comes to your when to your walk on this journey. Uh that's why uh a lot of times there's there's gonna be people that's gonna um be having that rough conversation with Christ at the end when he says, be gone from me, I never knew you, but been in church every single Sunday, in a press service every every every Wednesday, but they don't have that relationship with him. They're just showing up. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05 19:54

That's the thing that I think though, because even as me, again, because you gotta remember I never grew up in my walk, so I'm still technically a babe. I'm going through the Bible learning for line, precept by precept with my brother in Christ, um, when we have our studies and stuff, and I'm learning that a there's a lot. While I used to say that I wish I grew up in church and in my work, there would be a lot of unlearning that I would have to do. Because a lot of people, number one, they do stuff surface level, and number two, they misconstrue what the word is saying. So um it's kind of like going back to what you just said, having that relationship with you. I think a lot of people, or with God, I mean, that a lot of people think, oh, God knows me. But if you pay attention, he says apart from me, I never knew you. You say you know God or you know of God because clearly your life doesn't always reflect that you really know God, but does he know you? That's the biggest thing. So I think a lot of people that goes over their head, so yeah. So I'm grateful for where I'm at in my past because I will never go back when I think of those stories.

SPEAKER_03 20:58

So yeah. So that's now see, now that's something they that you said that was real key. That's true repentance. It's not, okay, God, I'm sorry, and you still do the same thing. And I will never return. I will never go back. That's repentance. That's changing your mind about you know what you know, uh about the sin or about your life, and you know, truly getting on that path or or trying to get on that right path.

SPEAKER_05 21:28

Coming to agreement with God, like turning away from that thing and agreeing with God, literally.

SPEAKER_03 21:34

Awesome. That is oh man, that's uh who now the health scares. Now, when you were going through the health scares, and I know you said even through that you were still, you know, dil diddly daddling or whatnot, but when you were going through the health scares, what was the mindset at that point in time? Because though that's I'm not a woman, but I I get anytime that there's a Lump or stuff that is like all you know, all red alert right there. And so how are you handling that in the midst of everything? Were you praying at that time? Or how was your faith with at that time or what not? Like what what was it? Or you know, how were you when you were dealing with the health scares?

SPEAKER_05 22:24

So no, I was not. Um again, those were in 2020 and in 2019. So that was when I was still dull, I wanted to do. Now remember, last year, April 2nd of 2025, I had weight loss surgery. And at this point, yes, I am in my walk. And from that weight loss surgery, I ended up, I don't know if you remember, but I was in the hospital a lot. For like the first five months, I couldn't even drink water without throwing it up. So that's how I dropped weight fast. Like usually you drop about 100 pounds in your first year. I lost 89 pounds in three months. So it was because I wasn't even keeping water down. So I was hospitalized a lot. Um, and at that point, I was in my walk and I was prayerful and I was surrounded by men of God, women of God who were like praying. They were worn from it. They were, you know, yeah, doing what they needed to do. They were touching heavens on my behalf, you know. So at that time I was. And that at one point it kind of got a little heavy because I got tired. I got the very last time I got admitted to the hospital, I was admitted for two weeks. And depression started creeping up on me. You're in the hospital with those three channels. Every time I try to lay down, a nurse is coming in, pricking me with something. And again, because I could not even hold water, they had to find some type of way to provide me with nutrition. So I couldn't receive it through IV because my veins were done. Like I'm a heart sick naturally. I was dehydrated, so it was hard to find them. And so they had to give me what's called a um a TP line, which is they insert a tube, which is a pick line. From here, it went all the way up through and down to my chest, past my heart. So that in itself was scary because if you move a certain way, you could mess up something. And then they had to feed me. I had to stay on that 24 hours a day. So I'm on IV 24 hours a day, getting fed through this machine um 24 hours a day. And again, depression creeped up on me. I got sent home with the tube in my arm, the feeding tube in my arm. So at that point, um, it was heavy. And I was kind of beginning to be in a woe is me stage where it was like, y'all, I'm sick. And you know, you you don't realize, well, for me, I'll say I didn't realize truly the power of the tongue. I hear it and I took it as surface level, I'm like, this is what an elder would say, this is what someone who's in their world would say. They're just telling me what sounds right, kind of, I guess. Um, and so I never truly understood until I had the experience myself. So at one point, my brothers in them, you know, they're praying and they're like, Ashley, you know, they're claiming that you're gonna be healed in the name of Jesus, they're casting out whatever the doctors are saying, like, they don't have the final say because even the surgeons, they were stunt, they're like not even watered. They would stand there and watch me try to take a sip and then throw it right back up. Um, and so one day I just got tired. I was walking with the sister and cried, shout out to Angela. Um, I was walking with her after I had got discharged from the hospital, and she was like, Um, this is a praying woman. She was like, No, you need to claim it because she also has been through the surgery. And I was like, Yeah, I will. You know, when I pray at night, I used to pray quietly, like to myself. And she was like, No, say it. And I was like, You're right. So when I went to bed that night, instead of praying for healing, I kid you not, and anyone in the world probably wouldn't understand it. They would probably think, like, this is made up, this is fake. But that night, I went to bed and I claimed it. Instead of asking God to heal me, I said, Thank you, Lord, for healing my body. I'm glad to be able to drink. Still had not been able to drink. And that very next day, I woke up and I was able to start drinking protein shakes. And from that, I was just like, even right now, it's giving me chills again, just remembering that because it I was literally beginning to get in a depressive state. Like five months in was not even water. I'm cooking for my kid and for my mom and for everyone. I can't even eat it. All I have to do is smell food. I couldn't even drink anything. I was getting like, they were telling me try the um sugar-free pops tuckle. Couldn't even do that. That would throw. I would throw up. It was like nothing worked. The surgeons were stunked. She said I was literally that one in a million case. So it was like so many things. Um, and even when I got sent home with the feeding tube, the nurse never showed up to feed me. So I was just there with the tube in my arm. They refused to take it out of my arm because they said, We need to try something. You can't just feed without anything. Well, I'm like, well, they still never showed up anyway, so it's just there. Um, it was just one thing after another, but literally speaking it out of my mouth, cleaning, healing, the very next day I woke up and was able to drink. So at that point, I was in my prayer stage, and from then on, you can't tell me nothing. You can't tell me about the power prayer. You can't tell me that prayers don't work. So the beginning stages with those health cares, no, I was not.

SPEAKER_03 27:30

So you went you was one in a million in that case? Yeah. So one of ninety-nine. Yep. And God and God found you, so He sure did. That's awesome. That is amazing. That is amazing. I praise God for that. I just praise God for healing and praise God for the power of the tongue, life and death.

SPEAKER_04 27:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:52

And the power of the tongue. So I'm glad you chose life. Right? You spoke life, so that's what's up. So so during this time of your of your journey right now, um, what would you say is your favorite scripture that you lean on uh in those rough times or that you just enjoy to just to just take in?

SPEAKER_05 28:19

So I'll um say my scripture, and it's probably gonna be a little weird to you, but I'll pull it up in um is Luke 16, 10 and 11. And the reason I choose that scripture is because um, again, that's when I really became into relationship with Christ. When everything happened with me that I told you in 2024, where I lost everything, the job, the home, the puppy, the vehicle was repo, all of that stuff. It was because God had revealed to me um Luke 16, 10 and 11. And it says, this is the um King James Version, it says, Luke 16, 10, He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much, and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much. If therefore ye have not been faithful in the unrighteousness, mammon, who will commit to your trust in true riches? So, in the plain version, whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with very much, and whoever is dishonest with very little can also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who would trust you with true riches? That is my favorite scripture because as I told you before, I was living in the world. I had everything. I had my Jeep, I had my puffy, it was real cute tea, dress him up, we all think I'm doing it. I forget to pray, forget to say grace, forget to bring my son to his word. Sometimes I go to church, sometimes I wouldn't, sometimes I serve, sometimes I wouldn't. I'm over here trying to talk about amen and winning a soul to Christ while I'm still out here at the pool party, turning up, I'm still doing worldly stuff, and God had to humble me. Like, you can't be out here talking about winning souls to Christ, and you're living in the world still. Like, you can't have one foot in, one foot out. And so when he humbled me at that time, he literally kept me through that. So, in the midst of losing everything, that was the one time I didn't fall into a depression when stuff got heavy after losing one thing after another, after another, after another. I literally was like, God has kept me through everything else. So I know he has better for me or something different for me. And that's when that scripture came up from having the mindset of God, what is this teaching me, instead of God, why me? I knew it was something for me because I think a lot of times um people confuse like when you become a believer that God won't pop your hand. No, he's still your father. So he's gonna try to talk to you, like, stop that. Stop that. I said, stop that. Okay. All right, so you wanna play hard. And I was that person that was like, but then that's when he revealed that scripture to me after I lost something. Like, I can't even trust you with the little stuff. You're talking about you want to do bigger stuff, and ever since that happened, I've fully surrendered. Like so many opportunities to serve have come about, so much goodness. And when I be posting online, I make sure to clarify and I be now my status, I mean my captions you see have turned to paragraphs because I want people to understand that when I talk to y'all about what God is doing in my life, that does not mean that it's all sunshines and rainbow. I am not talking about physical blessings like material things when I talk about how good God has been to me, what God is doing in my life. I'm talking about the changing of my mindset that shifts the atmosphere, literally. Instead of God, why me? Oh my gosh, I got 30 customers calling me back to back. Oh my gosh, I had a roof cover. It's like, well, what is this supposed to be teaching me? So that has changed. And so that scripture literally I stick to. I hold on to like stewarding, it reminds me to steward my stuff power.

SPEAKER_03 32:09

Right, yeah. So to share in that with you, this is um this is a powerful scripture to me. Um for a couple of different reasons. One, um I don't know if you have to uh uh Pastor Philip Mitchell um for 208 nineteen, church titled to 2819. Hey, he um there was one uh sermon that he uh preached and he would he did an example where he took a dollar bill right and he said this it has no morals to it. It's just it's paper, it's nothing, it's it's a lot it's nothing until it's put into the hands of someone. And once it's put into the hand of that person, that determines whether that dollar bill is going to be used for good or evil because it's based on the person that's in control of that money. And so when you're talking about unrighteous wealth and tailored as being unrighteous over a little, just imagine. That's why I tell people all the time. Like, y'all praying to hit the lottery, y'all praying again. Praying for the phone, praying for the bag and everything else, but you bust the hell wide open on minimum wage. So why would God give you more to destroy yourself?

SPEAKER_06 33:40

Right?

SPEAKER_03 33:42

So it's it's kinda so when I think about how I want my, and I pray that it's not my flesh. This is this is honestly like a tough prayer for me because I would love to have the large platform, right? I would love to be ministering to thousands, to millions, um, you know, and leading them and discipling them, right? But I know that I can't go into that with any type of vanity. I can't go into that with type of, yeah, this yo, I'm doing it. Like, yo, yo, remember I only have five followers, yo, forget y'all. You know, I got, you know, I can't go into it with that at all. And so it's like my prayer had to change when um, and even when I I talked to my brother Ronnie, when we finally uh started to um I I approached him about this uh this podcast idea, and I just told him, I was like, yo, man, whether I have five or five million, whatever God gives me, I just want to be a good shepherd over those. And so um I'm just now like, I just want it to be for God's glory. So whatever I think he puts my hand on, I want to make sure that when he returns, he says, yo, the good and faithful servant, I'm happy and pleased with you. So that right there, that's an that is an amazing scripture, and I love it. Like um, that's not weird at all. That's really, and then it really does connect with your story and how you were talking about, yo, the first thing that you thought about was like, yo, I'm about to get paid. So it's like, and it's it's just like, you know, it was just like, man, that that's but that that right there is real because if we can be transparent, we get tired of struggling and we want things. Like, honestly, just the flesh, we want things. And we get tired of of being forced to um choose differently. Like, yo, I wanted I wanted the the 2025 Yukon Denali, uh, but I can't afford it, so I had to get the kid carnival. But it's like when we start tying blessings up with tangible things, temporary things, then we start measuring. We're measuring our quote unquote blessings. And so then we start getting upset, like, okay, well, why do they have it and they don't even like you, God?

SPEAKER_05 36:38

Because the devil will bless us too.

SPEAKER_03 36:41

The devil blesses too.

SPEAKER_05 36:42

That's what people don't have in their mind. They just look at it and be like, and especially don't let somebody slap a caption on there, thank you, God, for all of this. No, the devil will bless you too, so he can keep you in bondage.

SPEAKER_03 36:54

Right. Because you're you're saying thank you, God, but you you taking that whip to go off and uh with with your little bun button and y'all doing whatever we all know y'all not supposed to, you know what I mean? Or any any type of thing. So that that scripture right there is just it's powerful, and we're definitely gonna note it on, you know, so that people can have it in the caption. But it's powerful because you just have to realize and just be humble enough to say, God, when I submit my life to you, I submit to whatever you give to me. And whatever you give to me because I trust you as being a perfect father. Not a alright father, not a good father, not even a great father, but you are a perfect father. And I know whatever you give to me, it's for my good. And I want to do whatever it is to make to put that's pleasing to you with whatever that you've given me. So that's definitely the best mindset to have, and I'm so glad that you have that in mindset now. Okay. As opposed to, as opposed to the other uh the other aspect, the four-phase aspect. Oh we're gonna transition into this new segment that we are uh starting here on the disciples' desk uh because we know that this journey is not always like you said, it's not always Peters and Cream, it's not always uh sunshine and rainbows. And um, even though our spirit belongs to God, it is still wrapped in this flesh. And so the segment is called, I'm struggling, but I'm trying. What is it right now, Sister Ashley, if you could be uh willing to be transparent for a moment? What is it right now that even though in your Holy Ghost feels sanctified self, thank you, Jesus? What is it that you still it's like, Lord, I'm struggling with this thing, but I'm trying. What is what do you find to be your and it doesn't you could be as specific as you want or you could just be as um you know uh as wide as you want, whatever have you, but just if you could just share your heart now, what what is that that struggle and what does that look like for you?

SPEAKER_05 39:27

Um a struggle, I would say. I wouldn't even say a struggle, um, because I'm trying to learn again the power of the tongue is really something in all aspects, right? So not just um when you're praying, but just all around. So I would say something that uh I would take to God is consistency. So I did this fast last year, um, in November for 45 days. And um one of the two of the things, the two things that got rebuilt in me were discipline and boundaries. And so one of the things that I would say, I guess you would call it a struggle, is um boundaries, like no is a full sentence, and I I'm teaching myself that like being consistent with that no being a full sentence because I don't like hurting people's feelings, I don't want to offend anybody. So if my boundary upsets you, I'm willing to like break it a little bit just so you won't be mad at me or just so you can we can have peace, you know, or whatever. And I'm learning that it's okay to set your boundaries, set your healthy boundaries and stick to them. And um, yeah, that has created um sometimes it causes the spirit of offense to rise in people. And I'm learning to be consistent in it so that it can remain a thing. Because I have to what I have to learn is that I'm retraining people. All they knew is being able to break my boundaries and me crumbling. And so now I can't just set a boundary and expect them to stick to it or to be okay with it because they never had to before. So um that in itself has been something that I'll say, God is working on me with. Like, no, you know you said you didn't feel like going, and now because they keep saying, Can you please go with me? Like, uh, I don't want to go. And then every time you do it, something goes wrong, something goes left, you're upset, you wish you would have stayed, and it's like your boundaries, I showed you this. And because one of the things you've been delivered from is nasty communication, you can communicate effectively now. Hey, I don't feel like going. Hey, no, thank you. Do you have this? No. No, period. That's a full sentence that's still respectful, you know. So that's one of the things I would say I'm struggling with. What I used to struggle with, I would say that again fully delivered from is like sexual morality. That was a big thing for me, you know. When we first used to be like social media friends, I used to be wild. I used to have themed lives with the girls. We used to wear costumes, which clearly that's demonic practice. You're dressing up as something, that's not what God called you to be. You're participating in Halloween festivities, you're opening up doors to spirits, and you're wondering why stuff is going haywire in your life. So that was one thing that I used to battle with, is like, okay, when you post, fully cover yourself. Stop keep getting up here in a tank top and cleavage out and shorts that you know your guys eating up just so you can get a like or um a something. And so now my page is like a full 360. And I know there's some people with larger platforms that do this thing where it's like when they post, they'll hide their likes until they get a certain amount of likes. And it's like, no, I want y'all to see full, transparent, vulnerable me. This is me. No, people don't show as much love like when I was half naked on the internet, but I don't care. You know, that was something that I used to struggle with for a long time. Like, Lord, I'm giving you my yes. But if I post like this, fully covered, ain't nobody gonna show me no love. And I'm like, girl, you want to love from the world, but then you're talking about God, I want to be closer to you, like make it make sense. It just it too would not make sense. So I would say over the last year, God really like snatched me up out of that. That was something that I struggled with really hard, like trying to fully surrender, but also trying to still make sure I got that attention because I felt like it would make me feel good to see those comments. But it was like, girl, that was some worldly stuff. And those people don't even want anything from you that you're supposed to have anyway, so That was a big struggle for me. And I think that's a common struggle with um especially like people who do in their walks. And even people who are seasoned in their walks. Like temptation is always gonna be there. You know, those things are always gonna be there. And I will notice like when I fast, um, that's when people from the cut wanna come out that, hey big hand, um talk to it. So um I thank God though that he has removed me from that because I used to feel like the well, maybe I just give you a little bit of conversation. We ain't going there, we're not talking crazy, but no, fully let go of that lifestyle. All that was involved in it, like let them see your light. And if they wanna you know, they wanna shine bright like a diamond too, walking with the Lord, they can come, but nah, you don't go sit back there.

SPEAKER_03 44:52

So and um um since we we're running short on time, unfortunately, but I really want to ask you this question. Um, because there's somebody I I I don't know what a a large uh social media um influence is, but you do. And so how was it when you made this transition to the Lord, right? Dealing with, you know, your followers knowing you was one type of way, and now you're presenting this completely, like you say, you did a complete 180, you you doing, you're going the the opposite way. Did you get any pushback? Did you get any like, yo, hey, where the goods? Like, yo, I ain't you know, I ain't showing up for this, you know what I mean? Like, keep the scriptures, keep the testimony. You know what I mean? Like, how was it with that transition, uh, you know, going from, you know, the world to to the kingdom, and uh what type of effect did it have on your social media?

SPEAKER_05 46:08

So I would say, like, the people I used to go live with, um, when I first, because God had put me in a place where it was like me and him. So I had took like a three, four-month hiatus from social media, and um when I came back, they would do stuff like when I would join their lives, oh y'all better watch your mouth. Y'all know Holy Roland Ash were here now. Y'all better go. And at first I used to be like, You trying to be funny? Like, what are you saying? But then now I'm looking at it like, you don't expect me. You see the Holy Spirit over here entering, yeah. That's why keep them keep them words to yourself. Cover up. That's right. Don't ask my opinion if you don't want it, because you know everything I'm gonna say is gonna reference back to the word. Well, what the word say, not what Ashley says, not what Ashley feels. What does the word say? I'm not willing to argue or dispute with anybody against the words. So I didn't really have kickback on me switching, but what I will say is stuff that I used to think was okay, I started speaking up against. And I'll just give a prime example real quick. Um, like one time I was on and one of the girls mentioned, like there was comments, and she was going through something, she was reading a comment, she said, girl, you better sage and pray. And I'm like, those are two opposite things. Though saging is demonic, you're opening up portals, you're welcoming your spirit, leaving at the prayer. The prayer is that I fage my house and I So you're telling me after my patrol woman, God, but you're also saying you're stage it. That right there lets me know everything I need to know. I'm not willing to dispute the words against that. So stuff like that I've experienced, but honestly, that was really it. It was something my new like that. But everyone else um actually surprisingly has been supportive and they're like, dang, seeing you from what you used to be, seeing you from here. And it's actually created a a better response. Um people more respectful, people address me respect for me versus addressing me how I was presenting myself.

SPEAKER_03 48:10

Right. No, no, that's big. That's real big, and I and I love that for you. You know what I mean? Cause some people they will probably just, you know, they some people are so tied up into the social media following that you know that they would be like, well, yo, um I'm I'm gonna keep God off this social media, you know what I mean? I'll go to church next day on social media, I gotta do my thing. Yeah, exactly. And so, you know what I mean? So it's good. It's I mean, it's amazing that you um, you know, you put your heart into it and say, wherever I go, God is going. And um, so that's that's a wonderful thing. And I just got one last question for you. Purity of heart. What would this Ashley say, the saved Ashley say, to that Ashley prior to find the faith, that Ashley that was wilding out, because we all know that we that there are plenty of those Ashley's out there. You know what I mean? And so just the wisdom and everything that you've been through, um, bless the people with what you would say to to that Ashley if you had the opportunity to talk to her today.

SPEAKER_05 49:30

I would say I would just um verbatim, that's that's a good question. I would explain the joy and the peace that comes with being um where I'm at now. So I told you one of the things that I love to do is to serve. And so when I went to serve, I started hosting this event annually where I go and I not necessarily clothe the homework, um, or neighbors you need is what I'll prefer to reference um unhealthy persons as. But I um I bought hats, well, a couple of friends and I, we bought hats, scarves, gloves, neck warmers, hand warmers, feet warmers, sanitizer, toothbrush, toothpaste, body wipes, deodorant, um like you name it everything we could to like, oh, emergency blankets. You name it, we bought it, we created care packages. And one guy, his name was Matthew Daniel, he um stated he was literally on his way to commit suicide right by um right as we approached him with those things. And um this day when we went out there, it was like probably it was like zero degrees. It was like a negative something chill um feel outside, and it was so cold. And so I was just looking how I was looking, like looking crazy. It's actually one of my pictures on my page, one of my before. And he came up to us and he said, I want that glow that you have. I would love to be able to explain to that past Ashley the glow that you have that you don't even see in yourself when you're looking crazy, when you finna raggedy. It's a glow that only God can get. It's a peace that only God can get. When you are fully surrendered, the the possibilities are endless. So I would love to explain that to that old Ashley. To come sooner.

SPEAKER_03 51:35

That's a beautiful word of testimony and uh a lot of wisdom in that. And um, Sister Ashley, you just you blessed us. I'm so happy that you uh decided to accept my invite. Um thank you for your uh your grace and your kindness and your willingness uh to share with us today. You definitely blessed uh you blessed the deaths today. I thank you for that. Absolutely. Uh so um Matthew 28, 19. It was the great commission that Jesus gave us, gave the disciples before he ascended, said, Go therefore out, uh all the world making disciples. This road is not easy. Being a disciple is not easy. So that's why we need to lean on one another. So as we walk upon this journey, uh, we are not called to walk this road together. So let's talk while we travel until the next time we got the round of disciples' deaths and have a great first day.