We're Raising Kids While Re-Raising Ourselves | Trigger Warning

In this week's episode of The ZT Download Podcast, Toni and Zaria sit down for one of their most honest conversations yet.

We're discussing childhood trauma, the experiences we didn't recognize as trauma until adulthood, and how those experiences continue to shape our relationships, self-worth, parenting styles, and personal growth.

Together, we explore what it means to break generational cycles, heal while raising children, and navigate adulthood while still unpacking parts of our past.

This episode is not about placing blame. It's about creating awareness, extending ourselves grace, and recognizing that healing is a lifelong journey.

If you've ever found yourself saying, "I thought that was normal," this conversation is for you.

Remember: healing isn't about becoming perfect. It's about becoming aware.

The ZT Download Podcast — where it's always 2 girls with a lot 2 say.

Follow us on socials : @theztdownloadpodcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the ZT Download Podcast. I'm Zarya. And I'm Tony. And we're just two girls with a lot to say. Hey girl. Hey girl. It's been such a long day. Oh man. Yes. Yes, it has. But what have you done today? Let's give us a little spill of how your day is gone.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

Five o'clock this morning. Take my daughter to her softball game.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

5 a.m. Yeah, 5 a.m. That's wild. 5 a.m. That's wild. Okay. How was the softball game? Oh, she's badass too.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

I've seen her on your Yeah, she's great. The team. Yeah. The team.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

She's always a team too.

SPEAKER_02 0:41

Like, I don't know, man. We gotta figure out. Some kids just can't play. Some kids just can't play as a team. As a team, and some kids don't want to. I mean some kids just really don't want to.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

I feel that. I feel that.

SPEAKER_02 0:53

But yeah, after that, um, I went shopping. I went to Sephora. Yeah, I went to Sephora and um then I was ready to go home. Yeah, so many people.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Yeah, it's Saturday.

SPEAKER_02 1:05

We were looking for these freaking um squishy dumplings. They're like viral all over TikTok, and my kids want them so bad. Hmm. And they're they're at five below. So we went to five below looking for these squishy dumplings, and they are sold out because for whatever reason they're scored out of squishy dumplings.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Because probably they're they're viral.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

And like everybody wants them. Or every kid wants them. Grown people. Oh. I looked it up on TikTok.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Squishy dumplings.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Alright. Good deal. Please leave the squishy dumplings for the kids.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

Literally. Can't we leave something for the kids?

SPEAKER_02 1:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

And then um you came here?

SPEAKER_02 1:54

Yeah, and then I went home. I um I took a nap. Oh yeah. I had to take a nap that was needed. And waited for my husband to get home, and um I came here. Got ready and I came here. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Good deal.

SPEAKER_03 2:06

Yes, how was your day?

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Very productive. Girl. I'm trying to think now. Um, how did my day start? I think I'm I've finally got to that place where I'm like, I'm forgetting life.

SPEAKER_03 2:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

Like every day. I'm like, did I do that yesterday? Yes. Or did I wait? Was that last week? What is today? Is today Friday? Girl. I'm forgetting my entire life. Like, I'm forgetting things that I say. I'm forgetting things.

SPEAKER_02 2:38

I forget what I wear the day before.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Like that too?

SPEAKER_02 2:41

I I literally forget what I wear the day before.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

I don't even just I don't even stress myself out anymore to remember anything. Like if it's not in my calendar, it didn't happen. Or it's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_02 2:53

It's not today.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

It's not yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

Right now, because yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

So um I can't really tell you about my day. I don't know. I can't really give you anything because I don't I know I legit do not remember my day.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

You need to start checking in like every hour or something.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

What are you doing? What are you doing right now? Um shoot. Oh, I took the boys to Chuck E. Cheese today.

SPEAKER_02 3:19

I did. I forgot that.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

No, literally you did take the boys. I took the boys to Chuck E. Cheese. It was a horrible experience. I literally, they're never going back. Like, they're never going back. And it didn't get bad until like four o'clock when like the parents started arriving that smelled like wheat, and the kids just didn't give a fuck about like oh saying excuse me. I'm like, I'm telling my kids, like, say excuse me. They're like, get out of my way. I'm like, get your fucking kid because I will fight. I will fight you. I will fight you. Go get your mama. I'm trying to be nice.

SPEAKER_02 3:50

I'm trying to be nice.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

Yeah, so took them to Chuck E. Cheese. Um, but like getting both of them ready is just a lot by itself. I I and then uh came back, put them in the bed early because they were whiny, so it was good anyway. It was good. Yeah, it was good anyway.

SPEAKER_02 4:08

That's good.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

And then um got ready.

SPEAKER_02 4:12

You look dapper, you look dapper, you look beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

No, I try to do a little some song. Oh Lord, sharp, sharp. Yeah, so that was my day. That was pretty much it.

SPEAKER_02 4:22

Yeah, pretty chill. Yeah, besides the the craziness of Chuck E. Cheese, it was pretty chill.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Never again.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

Yeah, no. Like it's nobody, don't even don't even ask me about the chuck.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

No, seriously.

SPEAKER_02 4:34

I'll just take you to a park unless you run around when you're not going to Chuck E. Cheese.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

I just did it as an experiment, honestly. It'll social experiment. Social experiment. I promise you. I was so anxious the entire time.

SPEAKER_03 4:47

I I bet I am I would be ready to go.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

No hate to ch the Chuck E. Cheese goers, but it's not like how we're not for me. It's not like how we're not for my kids either. I can tell that they don't wipe down anything. So yeah, okay. Boy, oh boy. So you wanna start with uh the disclaimer? Because this this episode I feel is going to get a little heavy.

SPEAKER_03 5:12

It may get a little skin sticky.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:19

So disclaimers. Disclaimers, guys. You can take breaks.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Yeah. Yeah. We we may I mean, like, if you have to take a pause because it gets too heavy, do that. Like we're opening up a can of emotions. Yeah. I feel like we're going back to the beginning of both of our stories. So it just, you know, it can be triggering. So take breaks. Make sure you're taking care of yourself. Don't, if it gets too heavy, maybe watch the rest of it tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know. Sorry. Maybe just pause and pause and come back.

SPEAKER_02 6:00

Maybe just pause and come back. If it triggers you, if it's yeah, too much, definitely. Yeah. Go pour up a glass of wine.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

Yeah. We're opening up some old wounds. So yeah. Just gonna. We're just gonna flow. We're just gonna flow.

unknown 6:18

All right.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Yeah! We're a fish. We're a fish now. I like it.

SPEAKER_02 6:30

I love it. I love it. It's so awesome.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Literally chewing in the mic. Like, yeah, I haven't eaten all day.

SPEAKER_02 6:36

Yeah, we this is our dinner. Our girl dinner, by the way.

SPEAKER_00 6:39

So, um. So you want me to start? You want to start?

SPEAKER_03 6:44

I could start.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

You want to look because I'm like, you have me. I'm clutching my pearls. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 6:58

You can start.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

Alright, so my household dynamics growing up, I was raised by a single mom. I had two brothers, one sister who didn't grow up with me. And so I was basically um raised as the only girl, and so oldest girl. And so I felt like my upbringing was a lot harder on me. Like obviously, my mama was like, I'm the only girl, so she has to be harder on me than she is on the boys. But my brothers also had each other, and I didn't really have anybody like growing up, so it was really lonely, and I didn't get to experience like sisterhood. So I feel like growing up, like in adulthood, I craved sisterhood in like everybody. Like I always wanted a friend because I've never just had someone to kind of like pour into like growing up. So that was, I feel like, really hard. My dynamic, my house dynamic. So if you were raised by a single mom, I feel like it was the same, like all around. Um, some can be harder and some can be, you know, a little more understanding and softer. My mama was harder. So the discipline, she didn't play around. She didn't play around. So um there was no emotional environment growing up. So like we didn't get like a safe space.

SPEAKER_03 8:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

If that makes sense. Like, there was no crying, there was no like we grow up. I mean, like, we're grown now, but like we don't hug each other, like we don't say I love you. Like we had to like work on that, like as adults, because we didn't say I love you at home. So like it was hard for me to say I love you to people as an adult. So that's kind of my little little spill, little I'm just surface.

SPEAKER_02 9:07

Who I am. This is who I am. Yeah. Um my household dynamic.

SPEAKER_00 9:13

Military, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:15

Military, but um, that was a lot of back and forth. I I spent time with my mother um in Ohio, and then I spent a lot of time with my dad.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

I was always wait, so you um your parents were they weren't together when you were growing up?

SPEAKER_02 9:31

Yeah, no. My parents got divorced like when I was like four. Backstory. My parents married, got divorced. Married again, got divorced again.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Why you would go for a second tip? I don't know. I love you, mom and dad, but they couldn't get enough of each other. They couldn't get enough. Look, I get it. I'm not coming back.

SPEAKER_02 9:53

But um, so yeah, my my parents were um divorced, and I was it was a lot of back and forth. So I was back and forth. My dad was military too, so your mom and your dad was military? My mom was Air Force, and then she was and then she got out. Um, and then my dad just there's no wonder.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

I didn't know your mom was was military too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:12

There's no wonder you like Yeah, just had had to do it, and yeah, no other choice but to do it.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

I mean, it was my choice. My choice. My dad didn't want me to go, but it was it was my choice. Definitely my choice. Um, but yeah, our household dynamic was very military, very uh with my dad, I can say it was very, very strict, um, but in a loving way too. Like my dad exposed me to so much, um, just so many awesome things that we got to do, and I think that was his love language. Um, so that was his way of showing love, but he was a very strict man. I mean, like you were saying with your mom, like discipline didn't play about boys, didn't play about I couldn't even have a friend as a boy. So let me say a boy's name, Jacob. Jacob who? Her name better be Jacoba, like Jacoba. Like, I know no. So my dad was very, very strict. Um, my mom, on the other hand, was more so of honestly like my best friend. Like she was uh yeah, the best friend. Um, I definitely can say it lacked emotional on both sides. Um, my dad was a little bit more. I can't even say he was well, it was such a weird, like welcoming, if that makes sense. It wasn't like a oh come give me a hug. It was like party. Like, huh? I love that though. Kiss. I love that. Yeah, so it was still like there, but it wasn't like the motherly or the you know super fatherly love. So yeah. I can say the emotional dynamic was definitely there. I'm a very emotional person. I probably would very emotional, but I feel like um just how I was raised with with my father and with my mother, I kind of like chalked it up, and it was just kind of made us made me who I am, made us who we are today.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

So, um oh, that's that's crazy. That's kind of cool though. Like we have the same but different, um not having more somewhat of a safe space. I mean, you said your mom kind of gave you that emotional balance a little bit, I know. But it wasn't like but you say y'all were besties, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:14

Yeah, like it wasn't if we were besties, and I can like we can sit here and sit there, like just chat and talk about everything. Um, it was always, you know, I love you. We I got the I love you's and stuff like that, but um the emotional part for me was me being able to express my emotions, if that makes sense, and being somebody being receptive of those emotions, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:35

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_02 12:35

So that was where my like thrown off was because when I was a kid, I don't really understand why I'm crying right now. Help me like help me understand these feelings.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Um, what did you later realize um wasn't normal with your like upbringing, like growing up? Look, it's getting a little deeper.

SPEAKER_02 13:02

Yeah, it is. It's getting a little hot anymore. We're jumping right in. We're literally jumping right in. Um, where do I start? With my dad, the whoopings. I can say that that wasn't normal because there was a whoopings. I was getting my ass beat. Like I was getting my ass beat. Handy to you. Joe Jackson. Like Joe Jackson beat. No, yeah, it was um, it was it was very rough as far as discipline goes with my dad. With my mom, honestly, her love life, her love life was not normal. I seen a lot at a young age that I feel like I should not have witnessed or seen. Yeah. Um, just men in and out, dependent on men, the men that she chose to bring around, and I am the youngest of four that my mom and dad have together. So I have two older sisters and one older brother, and then there was me. So luckily I had very protective siblings, but um yeah, just a lot. It was a a lot of that uh with my mom. So a lot that I should not have seen her early on, man, as a kid, because what about you?

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Yeah, um I can agree with the the whoopens. I think we got I feel like looking back, that was like the highlight of my childhood. And I hate that it is that way because we ultimately were like safe. Like we had a bed to sleep in, we had we always had a home to go to or like a home to call home. Like we moved around a lot, but we always had a home to call home. Like my mama made sure that we were sheltered, yeah, 100%. But I think it was it's so harsh, like that's the only thing I remember, and like the yelling, the yelling was oh my god, like the highlight, and just I don't know. I have this um, I'm trying to this day to break myself from like raising my voice so much. Yeah, now I don't like um put my kids down, and I feel like that's because I got put down so much in my childhood. There was no like you're smart, there was no like um I love you, or you your feelings are valid, or like there was no none of that, and so I feel like that's what when I grew up, that's when I figured out that wasn't normal. Like, like you shouldn't put your kids down. No, that's like you should never tell your kids that like they're dumb or they're stupid, um but you also just like should be suited like super harsh. Like I feel like at a certain point it takes an adult taking their anger out on their kids like too far, yeah, like there's no um stability, yeah, um in emotions, you know, and it gets to the point where it's like abuse, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

And that's where the god I feel like that was with me too. I just there was no balance with my dad, like he didn't have a cutoff, like he didn't know when like enough was enough and to like actually stop and um yeah my dad he didn't have like a a cutoff switch, it was just like rage, anger in that moment, and uh for me, I think as a as a kid it was just hard for me to understand what he was that angry about. Yeah, I feel like having kids and me having kids now, kids are gonna be kids. Yeah, teenagers are gonna go to be teenagers, and I honestly I wasn't that bad. Like I wasn't sneaking out of the house, I wasn't doing anything like crazy to like deserve. I feel like I deserved that type of discipline. So, um, and I know like when me and my dad talked about it because we talked all this out already. Um, but something that stuck with me was him saying like a lot of time, like he couldn't he could never try to change my perspective because a lot of times that was my childhood, that was my trauma that he caused, and I got stuck in that trauma. Normally, whatever that is, whatever that trauma is, you normally just take that and you grow up with that. Whether the perception or whether the reality of it was different, that is what has carried my entire life, and that's kind of like what you were saying. Yeah, like that's what has carried with you your entire life, and that is what makes you who you are.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Yeah, I had a a moment with my mama before um in the town home where I was like, um she said something, she was like, I I didn't whoop y'all, and I was like, Yes, you did. What are you talking about? Yes, you did. I was like, it's so funny. I think our parents get to a point in their life where that part of their life, they try it was so traumatizing, they try to forget it, and so like it's almost like delusion. Like you do not remember the beatings, like it wasn't even whoopins at some point. The mirror beatings, like we got beat, like it was like a do what I say, or like grass the dance, no, seriously, like and so I was just laughing because it was so funny. But I just like I let her have it because I was like, it's hilarious that you beat my ass. You know, you don't know, like you don't remember her. Maybe she does, and it's it was just the moment where she was, I don't know, maybe it was just in the denial. A lot of times I have like my dad is in denial very much. But like that was my childhood, so I remember traumatic experiences vividly. Yes, like anybody would, you know, it's a vivid like experience.

SPEAKER_02 19:23

It's so crazy because like for me, I I think a lot of things are vivid from my childhood, but I think um until I went to therapy, I suppressed a lot of my traumatic moments. Like I would push them to the back of my head, so I didn't remember them, so I didn't know what they were. And then I went to therapy and all that stuff gets brought up. You get talking about it. I'm like, oh, oh wait, I remember I remember this, this, this, and this, and this. But it's like a protection, like almost like you're protecting yourself. It was so traumatic that you just like push all these bad things to the back of your head. Um, of course, still some things like my dad whooping my butt and stuff like that are there, but like there's more traumatic things that I just like I don't want to remember.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

I don't want to know what this is. I'm cool on this. Yeah, for sure. Leave me alone. What's something you had to handle too early? Literally, like an idiot. Oh, today Today I put uh my own word in there.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

Yes, great. Um something that I had to handle too early.

SPEAKER_03 20:35

Um think about it. There's a lot there. There is a lot there.

SPEAKER_02 20:46

Uh I would have to say violence, seeing violence, um seeing violence, I think I've had to handle that too, early. Um, and I don't even know if I want to say this.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

Oh my god! Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 21:08

No, it's not funny, it's very traumatic and traumatizing. Um that's so funny because I do the same thing. Yes, like I laugh about my trauma. Me too. Oh, isn't that so funny? I gotta laugh and keep a cry. Um literally.

SPEAKER_00 21:28

Oh sorry, okay. This is not funny.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

It's not. I thought that why are we laughing?

SPEAKER_02 21:34

Um men, honestly. Men, um I think I was exposed to uh sexuality way too early. Way too early. That hits deep. Yeah. But yes, um I think that actually like scarred me. Yeah. And I was like, I think that's why I hate men. I don't know, maybe that's why I hate men.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

It could be a really good reason why. Girl, I hate men too. It's okay. I let my husband know. Love you, baby. Yeah. Yeah, and my kids. But uh yeah, no. I hate men.

SPEAKER_02 22:13

Yeah. Okay, for you. What is something?

SPEAKER_00 22:16

I would say adulthood.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

Like being adulthood. Like being an adult.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

Like working, paying bills. Like I feel like that's something I experienced as a teenager. That I probably shouldn't have been. Like, I mean, obviously some parents do it and they like tell their kids that like they have to like, you know, if they're bringing money in the house, they have to use the money to pay the bills or, you know, buy food or like whatever. But I felt like I was a senior. I was actually a junior. I was a junior at McClellan and I was working. And I was um paying the light bill sometimes. And I felt like, you know, that was my check. Like, that was probably the only thing that I had like to my name. So I felt like I probably sh to me, I would never ask my kid to pay a bill.

SPEAKER_03 23:18

No, like no.

SPEAKER_00 23:20

But like learning how to like take a bill to my job and like, hey, like, let's just use my check to put on this bill, and then I don't have anything left. It was like oh working for nothing. Working for nothing, literally. And I was like in um what was it called? The job core.

SPEAKER_03 23:40

Oh yeah, yeah. And I know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_00 23:43

Yeah, it starts with a Justin name, but I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, so um I was in that like as a class. So I was like getting a credit, but I was like working too, but it was just almost like I should be using this money to like freaking save for like senior stuff, which I did. Like I bought all my senior stuff because like with my check, like senior cap and gown, like the yearbook, um my invitations all came from my pockets. Yeah. Like I saved up and paid for like all my stuff. So I think that that was like one thing that I was just like introduced too early, or just not like not I shouldn't have been just paying bills. Like I just I feel like that was unfair. Yeah. For like I'm I mean, I'm still a kid. Just trying to make it. I'm literally just like so that was a little frustrating, but I feel like that's like surface.

SPEAKER_02 24:46

Um the first time you realize something affected you.

SPEAKER_00 25:05

When I moved out. Well, actually got kicked out. So how many times have you been kicked out? Um, well, if if we just want to talk about it, I mean, um, I ran away um like three times, I think. Twice. I think it was twice, I ran away. And I got kicked out the third time. Yeah, because I was trying to get emancipated. I remember I I remember I wanted to. Yeah, like I was like on the internet, like, how do you get emancipated? Like they say you have to be 16. I was 15, I was like, oh yes. And she was just like, I think she like went through my computer. I don't know what happened, it's it's kind of foggy, but I think she went through my my laptop and she was like, like, you're trying to get emancipated, you can just get out. And I was like, Okay.

SPEAKER_02 25:54

Still have to get emancipated, but okay. I still need to get emancipated, but thank you.

SPEAKER_00 25:59

But I never did, so I was just like, Whatever.

SPEAKER_02 26:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

Okay. I just I packed myself and I got out. And I was at Marjorie at the time, so um, I went to her parents' house.

SPEAKER_04 26:10

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

Yeah, that was the time. So um, I think that was the first time I feel like something affected me because I was like just livid. I was like, why? Like, I'm not at home, like technically I'm homeless, and I still have to go to school, I still have to go to work, and it just figuring it all out. Just figuring it all out. Yeah. But I feel like I was happier, maybe like in a different environment. Yeah. Yeah, like her parents were amazing. Like, I don't feel like she was appreciative of her parents, like as she should have been. But I mean, they're her parents, so this is something that she's had to deal with her whole life. But I just love the dynamic. Like, they just they were amazing. They were amazing though. Like, we sat down and had dinner every night. Like, it showed like a true, like normal middle class family. And like you had to talk about your day, like they wouldn't, like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:17

My dad was my dad was like that. Like, my dad was like that. Like, what'd you learn at school today? What did you guys do at school today when we sat down at dinner? He was definitely that that dad.

SPEAKER_00 27:26

So I I appreciate stuff like that, too. That's a good thing to have. And you had to like they rotated who was cooking for the week. Like, so super cool. Everybody had to cook a meal every like one day a week, and you had to like let everybody know what you were cooking. That's awesome. So that like people can it was just it was great. And then we sat in the living room and watched either Scandal or Grey's Anatomy together as a family, and then everybody went to bed. That's awesome. I was like, is this real life or is this a movie? Like is this a movie? I'm literally having like an out-of-body experience for real, like watching myself. Yeah, it was pretty cool. I was like, well, I guess that's what happens when you get kicked out.

SPEAKER_02 28:08

Well, at least for you, you did have like a better experience, though.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure. It was it was great.

SPEAKER_03 28:15

Yes, heck yeah, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_02 28:19

Um for me, I I honestly I don't know. I think I was too young to to remember like when it first hit me. Like, I think moving back and forth between my mom and my dad, um girl. I think yeah, honestly, like maybe then when I say I have been through like so much, like I just don't even know where it could have like first affected me because I have I have seen just gone through a plethora of things that I just don't think it really truly hit me until I was on my own. And like I got away from everything in the trauma, and then I was able to sit back and be like, oh my, I have like power over my life, like I don't have to deal with this, yeah, deal with these things. And um, and honestly, I think I just took everything and decided to be better. Um, I do feel like there was things I had to grow out of um that probably still affected me into adulthood, but for the most part, I just really like I wanted to be better than my childhood and the trauma and everything that I've seen and went through because it would take like two more episodes for us to get into dive into that because I I have yeah, I've I've seen some shit.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

Oh my gosh. Do you see any of those triggers in adulthood? Like, do you recognize them or like how do you cope with like if you get triggered?

unknown 29:52

Therapy.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

So you like therapy has helped you?

SPEAKER_02 29:56

Therapy has helped me uh tremendously. I took I went to therapy um when I was younger um after a traumatic incident happened. Oh my god, like not I want to share with you guys, but like that's like really like it's crazy. Yeah, it's like really crazy. Um after a traumatic experience happened, I decided to go to therapy. I told my dad, my dad put me in therapy. Um put me in therapy. And it helped. It helped a lot. Um, I was able to talk through a lot of stuff. I was able to figure out a lot of stuff, and then in my adulthood, honestly, relationships are another thing that made me see. Yeah. Um, and friendships, friendships too, friendships too.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

I've um I went to therapy as well when I was younger. Really? Yeah. I went to Bridgway. And I like literally felt like that was the crazy house for real.

SPEAKER_03 30:47

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 30:48

But I only I think I only did like a week, maybe I did like maybe a couple days. I didn't it didn't last, but um, and I honestly think it's because we didn't have the insurance or the money to pay for it. But I went and I met my therapist, and it's so foggy, but I just remember going and then I was just like, why the hell am I here?

SPEAKER_02 31:08

I remember I had a social worker, and that's who put me in therapy was a social worker. I had a social worker too. Because that's when I was going to Cloverdale.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

I was going to Cloverdale and my I never went to Cloverd. I went to what was that? Middle school?

SPEAKER_02 31:21

Cloverdale?

SPEAKER_00 31:22

Yeah. Yeah. I went to Dunbar.

SPEAKER_02 31:23

Okay, you went to So I didn't move over there yet. Okay, yeah. I went to Cloverdale. Um, and I remember my dad beat the living crap out of me. Living crap out of me. He beat the shit out of me. You guys like whelts like blood leaky. And I went to school the next day. And you know what they did? They called them folks. That's so crazy. That was the same thing that happened to me.

SPEAKER_00 31:45

Really? Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 31:47

They called those folks, and I just remember like crying and like pleading for like please, like, like, and it was an a part of me felt bad. I think in the moment it was just like really traumatic, but a part of me felt bad because I don't know if it's the impact of like my dad's not a bad person, like you know, he's not a horrible man, but he has like anger issues. Like, you know, like my dad just got anger is not a good thing. Yes, like my dad just got anger issues. Like, literally, and then I just remember like, you know what? No, he yes, my dad did this, and I remember him coming up to the school and them asking him questions, and I literally felt like my stomach in my ass. I was like, he's gonna beat me when I get home because he's up here and he has to deal with this. Like, now I'm about to have to get another beating. Yeah, I'm gonna come back up and he's gonna probably take me out of school because I'm sorry, it's not funny at all.

SPEAKER_00 32:35

I swear I'm not laughing. It's just the fact that I'm not laughing at your I I feel where you're coming from because it in that moment we we were trying to still save them. Yes, we were still in that moment trying to save them as kids. We were trying to save our parents from being in trouble from their mistakes.

SPEAKER_02 32:59

It literally because like and it just makes me look at my kids like our parents can almost do no wrong in our eyes because we love them and we just want that love, and it's like your parents can do no wrong. And I just yeah, it's it's it's heartbreaking. It's like to know that there's kids who's gone through way worse than I have that are still like that's my mom, or like that's my dad, and they're getting locked in the basements every like something crazy and insane.

SPEAKER_00 33:25

Like, and I think I I still do that to this day, like appreciate because it could be worse.

SPEAKER_02 33:32

And that's me. I always I always do that. Like, I could have had a way worse life. Like I could have had worse happen to me, but we could have been like homeless, homeless. Yeah, I mean I have I honestly have been homeless, not sleeping on the street, but my mom. Um we went from motel to motel. Like, I remember us staying in the motel. I remember us losing house after house or moving from house after house or sleeping in our car. Like we had a van and sleeping in the van because my mom couldn't keep up with my mom had four kids, no help, like, and she couldn't keep up with it. So I genuinely remember like going without like with my mom. I went without a lot. Like, I remember us eating freaking black canned beans and hamburger meat, and that was like I was already, it was good with some sour cream. I think seriously, like a little tacos, a little taco, little taco, yeah. But just like things like things like that. Um, so it just made me appreciate even though it sucked, it made me appreciate the small things and like where I because it could have been worse, like it really could have been. Yeah, for sure. It really, really could have been to kind of touch on that.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

Um, so my mama summer 2010. Like that was very specific. No, because please understand. I remember every detail. Please understand. Um, that was a summer my sister graduated high school and came down to Little Rock for just the summer, and it was literally the best summer of my fucking life. Like, we had a blast. I like I had just I don't know, it was just like she introduced a different experience for like me being not even a kid, but like just entering like teenage hood.

SPEAKER_03 35:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:21

And we just like bonded, like we've never bonded in life like this, but like we officially bonded like we were sisters, like we introduced ourselves, like that's my sister. That's my sister, so it felt like really good. But something happened. Um, my mama got triggered by something, I don't know, but her and my sister got into it, and she I guess took that out on me. That's what I feel. That's just my part of the story. I don't know. But I was like 14 and I had a black eye, I had like bruises, like it was really, it was really bad. And then I went to school, I was going to central. Okay. And I went to school, and one of my favorite teachers saw like my bruised eye because I didn't go to school the next day because my black eye was so bad.

SPEAKER_03 36:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

But the day after that, um, I went to school and he was like, What happened to your eye? And he was also the track coach, so he was like, and I was supposed to be running track sophomore, but I ended up coming to McClellan. But um, I don't know, he just he took a like a a father, father-like liking to me. Like it wasn't like weird or anything, but he always like looked out from me.

SPEAKER_03 36:37

Looked out for you know that's right.

SPEAKER_00 36:39

Um, but he was like, Yeah, what happened to your eye? And it was so crazy because we had a what was it called? A juvenile um like person come to like talk to us about like if we got in trouble, this is where we're gonna end up. Then uh it was like a social worker, but yeah, um, they work with juvenile kids. Uh they came to the school and did a presentation about like um abuse. And I was like, that's so crazy. So he pulled me outside at the end of class, and then he called the social worker back from the presentation. They went to the cafeteria for lunch. He called them back. Um, sending literally the trailers, like if you go to Central, you know, like the trailers.

SPEAKER_03 37:20

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 37:21

We were we were standing on like the little wooden little ramp, and he was like, one second, and he called the social worker back, and then I went to my next class, and next thing I know, I'm getting pulled from math. I remember like it was yesterday, pulled for math. They were like, Antonette, come to the um the office, and I was getting checked out. So um, like at the nurse, I was getting checked out. So then I went back to class after school was over. I walked home, regular routine, walked home, and then there was a car parked outside my house. And I was like, I don't know this car. Went in the house, they were talking to my mom on the couch, and I was like, What did I do? What did I do?

SPEAKER_02 38:10

Oh, I started crying immediately.

SPEAKER_00 38:12

Yeah, and then she was like, go in there, pack a bag, and um pack a bag for like a week. And I honestly, because it happened twice, I don't know who I stayed with that time. Like, I think I went with my daddy one time and then I went with my aunt another time, but I don't know which time it was. Yeah, I was like, I don't know who I stayed with that time. But yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:37

Triggering.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

Like very, oh my gosh, very triggering.

SPEAKER_00 38:42

Very triggering.

SPEAKER_02 38:44

Many times my dad has came up to my school so many times.

unknown 38:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:48

My dad has whooped me at school. What? In front of the other people.

SPEAKER_00 38:57

What? That's not funny.

SPEAKER_02 38:59

That's not funny, but it is it's funny. That's very embarrassing. It is extremely embarrassing because in front of all these people, you can't wait until I got home. You decide to do it in front of all these people, so yeah. Do you remember what it was about? I was talking in class. I remember I was talking in class and my dad uh, I think no, actually, I was talking in class. They sent home the little thing for your parents to sign. The document. Yeah, the document.

SPEAKER_03 39:28

You got wrote up.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

And I forged the signature because I didn't want to get in trouble because I was so scared. I would rather get trouble at school than to get in trouble.

SPEAKER_00 39:38

Oh my god, I I remember those days. I used to forge that signature every time. Do you hear me? Every time I used to forge, I got it down to a science. Like, we just get a pen.

SPEAKER_02 39:51

And it was so good.

SPEAKER_00 39:52

Going on a field trip. I was like, I don't even, I don't even need to bother her about this. Let me just go ahead and sign this. She said I can go. It's fine.

SPEAKER_02 40:01

Alright, I'm going.

SPEAKER_00 40:03

She knows nothing. I'm going. She knows nothing. I used to be doing great in class. Oh, I used to forge that signature. Ooh, girl. I was too smart for my own good, because baby, I got I got that down to a science.

SPEAKER_02 40:17

And you know, I'm actually, yeah, so I um, yeah, he came up to school. I remember them calling me out and he was in the hallway, and he was like, You wanna talk in class? You wanna talk in class? Oh no! No, I know. I don't want to talk in class. I will be a mute from here on out. I won't say anything, I swear. And I remember them the bell changing and it was time for the um time for him to switch classes, and he took his butt off and he started looking as everybody's just walking by.

SPEAKER_00 40:46

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Like that's traumatic. Very traumatic. That's not okay either.

SPEAKER_02 40:54

Like, no, that's not. That's not okay. My dad was always at my school. Always.

SPEAKER_00 40:59

Dang.

SPEAKER_02 41:00

Not because I got in trouble, but my dad when I went to McClellan, my dad worked at McClellan.

SPEAKER_00 41:05

Who who was he?

SPEAKER_02 41:07

He was a parent coordinator. Oh, yeah, he he worked at my school.

SPEAKER_00 41:12

I was about to say, I don't I don't remember him.

SPEAKER_02 41:14

Yeah, he worked at my school. That time was cool because I was like in high school and I was chill. I wasn't doing too much of nothing. Yeah. So like I use him as a scapegoat, but yeah, my dad. Every school, he's there.

unknown 41:27

He's there.

SPEAKER_00 41:28

Maybe it was because you were a girl.

SPEAKER_02 41:30

Listen, and that's probably and I now as an adult, I understand why he was so protective because both of my sisters got pregnant really young.

SPEAKER_00 41:37

Right.

SPEAKER_02 41:38

Yeah. So I get it now, but yeah, then I was like, I'm not that kid. Trust me, I'm not that kid.

SPEAKER_00 41:43

I understood. My mama got pregnant when she was 15. Yeah. And she had my well, she had my sister when she was 15. I have no idea if she got pregnant at 15 or she got pregnant at 14. We don't know. But I think that's why she was so hard on me because she was like, You're not gonna end up like me.

SPEAKER_02 41:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:00

But I appreciated it.

SPEAKER_02 42:01

Like I appreciate it now. That's how I kind of look at it. Like, I appreciate the strictness that my dad had now. Um, because I don't think I would be who I am without. Exactly. But you know, you could just there's other ways not beat my ass.

SPEAKER_00 42:16

Like, that would have been great.

SPEAKER_02 42:18

I would have listened.

SPEAKER_01 42:18

I don't even like being young that you could talk to me.

SPEAKER_00 42:20

No, literally what you said when you were like, I was a good kid, like you didn't have to worry about me. That was literally me. Like I got good grades. I was like, I love school the honor roll. Like, I was on honor roll, I was on student council, like I was always doing something productive, and I was just like a good kid, like I was that kid you really did did not have to worry about.

SPEAKER_02 42:40

That was me. Like, I wasn't like doing anything absurd or crazy. Yeah, but I knew kids that were like selling drugs at school like that.

SPEAKER_00 42:47

No, literally me, I would never but I did get to an age where I started like being boying, like, boy, not I don't want to say boy crazy because but I started liking boys. I mean that's not a bad thing, that's a normal thing, but like it's a good thing. I I literally got in trouble. Like every boyfriend I had, she was like right there, like like a hawk. Like she's watching me. Like I'm gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 43:16

I think that was when my dad started working on my school.

SPEAKER_00 43:18

You have to go run.

SPEAKER_02 43:20

I never tried to run. I tried to. Okay, listen, me and my dad had this talk one time. He was like, you know, if you just since you're just gonna be boy crazy, you just might as well introduce him to me. Cool. That's how easy it is. Cool. It's a trap. It was a trap. I remember my dad pulled up at my school on his motorcycle, and I took his name was Calvin. I took Calvin to meet my dad. And I was like, oh dad, this is Calvin. My dad was like, get the fuck away from my daughter. It was immediately like, get get the fuck away from my daughter. Donna's already get us go, da da da. And I got home and I got my ass beat. So moral of the story was no matter if I introduced them to you or not, he was not accepting any type of avoid.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

Yeah, that's like horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Like I think I got embarrassed like just too many times. I don't even want to talk about it because I have to I have I'm gonna have to name drop and I just don't even I don't remember his last name.

SPEAKER_02 44:16

So hey, I don't it's okay, it's good. It's good to know who where you are, what you're doing. We were we like I stopped talking to you after that too because that was too embarrassing.

SPEAKER_00 44:26

No, literally every so-called boyfriend I had I stopped talking to the next day. Yeah. For sure. Like, and if you stick if you stuck around, good for you, but I can't promise you that it's gonna happen again. I can't promise you it's not gonna happen again.

SPEAKER_02 44:43

None of them, none of them stuck around for me.

SPEAKER_01 44:45

I seen my dad and I was like, Exactly. Absolutely not, girl, goodbye. Exactly. I'm just a kid. Goodbye.

SPEAKER_00 44:54

So do you see um a lot of that trauma show up in trust issues in adulthood?

SPEAKER_02 45:01

Yes, um, I can honestly say relationship-wise, it took some work. It took some work, it still takes work.

unknown 45:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:09

Like with my with my dad and with all the men in my family, all of them cheated. And when I say cheated, I mean like didn't hide it cheated. Like, I remember I was getting hush money to keep quiet on my uncle cheating on his life. I'm not traveling family. I'm like, I now oh my god, I sat up, like what? Yes, like I was getting hush money, and as a kid, I didn't know like that that's what that was. I know now, but then it was like, oh, here's money, and you're bringing this woman around. I'm like, where is my auntie at? Like, this is not my auntie. Who is this woman? And like all of the men in my family cheated. My dad, I guess all I ever seen, like dad, I love you. Uh I'm gonna make sure he doesn't watch this episode.

SPEAKER_01 45:53

He doesn't watch this episode because you're gonna come down here and beat my ass as an adult. As an adult, he's going to be a good one.

SPEAKER_02 46:05

My dad was in the church, married, sleeping with the pastor's wife. No, not wife, sister. Bringing us to this lady's house. So playing with her kids. Well, they was probably in the bedroom. Like, who knows? Who knows? Yes. When I say I like traumatized by the men in my family, and trust issues has definitely rolled over into adulthood because that's all I grew up around, and that's all I seen, and that's all I understood is that that's what a man is going to do, but I wasn't, I wasn't accepting that. Like, I'm very, like, I'm very stri is strict. It's very strict over here.

SPEAKER_00 46:47

Oh, 100%.

SPEAKER_02 46:48

So, um, trust issues for in communication styles for sure, because I don't feel like I was able to communicate fully as a kid with my parents. It was just do as I say. Do as I said. Yeah, I said what I said, don't question me, don't ask questions. Even in like teenager, teenage as a teenager, which I feel like that's like the peak of you should have a good communication with your child and like explaining things and so they can understand and get ready for the real world. Yeah. There was none of that. Like it was do as I say. I'm your dad. I'm your mom. Do do as I say. So wow. That's definitely something I had to work on communication style is actually learning how to properly communicate and voice what I feel and how I feel, instead of just shutting down and getting quiet because that's what I'm used to doing.

SPEAKER_00 47:30

I think mine was the opposite, not the um the trust issues part, because I definitely did um I let people push me over. Like my relationships, I let them just do whatever to me, and I felt like that's what I deserved. So, and I think that goes back to like childhood trauma in mirrors because it's like when I got beat, I was like, okay, well, this is what I deserve, like it's okay because something wrong here. Yeah, like this is what I deserve. It's okay. I did something wrong. I did I like I wasn't correct, and she was trying to correct my behavior, and so it made me shut down a lot. But I think when I got in relationships, I always tried to fight. Like I was always the fighter, like I always wanted to like tussle with you, like what's up? So um, I think that I had like a lot of anger built up, and so I didn't shut down, but I more so was like fight me, like in real life. Like, I think I fought in every relationship I was in, which is insane. Every relationship, but this one, every relationship I was in, I fought a lot, and it was horrible. It was horrible it was a like a horrible experience to be like I didn't want people to see me as this angry person who had a problem with literally everything. You know, I just felt like I gave so much to a person, like you should at least respect me, and if you didn't respect me, like I'm about to beat your ass. Because that's kind of like what I got. Yeah, like growing up.

SPEAKER_03 49:27

So yeah, wow, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:30

I can I I can relate to that because I also grew up in an abusive household. Like my dad was beating the crap out of my mom, beating the crap out of us, beating the crap out of my stepmom. So that's what I seen growing up. And not really saying like I I can't say I was like the initiator all the times, but if I felt like triggered or like um for me, it was cornered, like being cornered or not being able to like get out of a room, I lose it. I'm spazzing. Like, don't block me from a door, don't like force me to try to talk to you. Cause at this point, I'm spazzing, and I will fight you. And I was that one, like I'm putting I'm putting the paws on you. I'm putting the paws on you. I ain't gonna lie. In real time. That's really triggering, but I also realized that that trigger came from other things as well. So it's it's crazy of how like the ripple effect of that and how it affects your your adulthood and being in relationships. Cause dang, are we abusive women? Were we abusive?

SPEAKER_00 50:40

Are we abusive women?

SPEAKER_02 50:41

I would say because I like I would never like my husband, I would never, like he's no never, but he doesn't pull any of that out of me.

SPEAKER_00 50:49

Yeah, no, not at all.

SPEAKER_02 50:50

He doesn't pull that out of me.

SPEAKER_00 50:51

Sean, I think we have been at our I don't want to say wit's end, but like we've been there with each other. Like, like I tried him, he tried me.

SPEAKER_03 51:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:04

But he's always been the mediator. Like, um, and so I've all I've learned to settle and like just literally shut the fuck up, shut up and like walk away. That's because um it's okay. He's playing with his stickers. Um so that's where uh but like we don't we've learned not to like talk to each other in a like a toxic way. Like we don't put each other down, we don't like heighten our voices, we don't like it's it's literally monotone, like through and through when we are saying something and we get into a debate, it's correction. Like, I love that you do this, but I would appreciate and da-da-da-da. It's always like a like a I'm gonna I'm gonna put you up, but I'm also gonna tell you what I need as well. Um but I feel like in my other relationships, it was always put down, put down, put down, put down, like, and I think that's where it triggered. Like, I don't don't talk about my past, don't talk about who you think I am to you. Like, don't ever pull things out of me that you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

SPEAKER_02 52:30

So and that's like an immediate disconnect too. Because I can also say, like, in in my marriage, that's something that we have worked on, and I can honestly just gotten better at like the past relationship that I was in before my husband was a very, very, very toxic relationship, and it was the yelling, the cussing, the fighting, the calling each other out of the name, da da da. So for this, this was your three-year-old's yeah, this was my three-year-old's daughter. I mean, not daughter, this is my three-year-olds, yeah. Yes, this is three years old's dad, and um very, very, very toxic uh relationship. So to be here with my husband now is like night and day. Um, because he It's so different, it's so different, and he's so calm. And sometimes there has been times where I am like the rah rah rah, because that's what I yeah, was used to.

SPEAKER_00 53:22

And he's like You're literally having to change who you are, yes, or what I've adapted to better or better yourself for the stability of your relationships.

SPEAKER_02 53:30

Yes, and it's he's made it easy, like he's made it easy. I have my moments, I think I just am a little spicy too. That's just just me. Yeah, no, but um nonetheless, he just really he does, he pulls the calmness and the softness, and like you we don't have to do that. That's not who we are, we don't have to go there.

SPEAKER_01 53:50

I've been covering my mouth, like I've been trying to like literally.

SPEAKER_02 53:55

We're gonna eat on this show, guys.

SPEAKER_00 53:57

Okay, we're gonna be eating on this show. No, for real. Do you think that it shows up in uh you being a mother?

SPEAKER_02 54:09

I think I have avoided. I have I have tried so hard to make sure that none of that affects affects my my girls, and I am so hard on myself that sometimes like my husband steps in and he's like, You need to be a little bit tougher, like you need to be a little bit harder on them because I'm just like um I I'm so scared. Like I'm so that is me. I am so scared that all any of that is gonna come out on them, and I don't want it to, but I'm so thankful for him because he's like the the stern. Yeah, he's like no, like yeah, you gotta, you gotta, but I'm so thankful because I don't really have to be. Yeah, I can if I need to be, but I have him, so like I don't have to really get out of character or anything because I do you can legitimately be mom. Yes, I can I can just be mom and I and I love that. I can be the nurturing and the caring and the come here, babies, and the yeah, I can do that, and he allots me and he allows me to do that, and I'm so appreciative of that because I don't think I could do sternness, like I my kids probably would walk all over me, like honestly. Yeah, mine's or I'll get triggered and everybody's getting their butts whooped.

SPEAKER_00 55:28

Like, yeah, my kids truly do. So when I just let them I don't say anything. I I have my moments where I'm like, like, listen to me, or like sit down, or like I'm overstimulated, please just walk away. Like, I can get in a zone where I'm I'm kind of teetering the line of like yelling, and like sometimes I will yell, but I still feel like it's in the nicest tone. But Sean would tell me, like, you like they do this with you because they feel like they can't do this with you, and like like the whoopings, like it took me a long time to like pop them, like a long time to like like Aiden and Asen. I it took the longest, and he was like, You're gonna have to one day, so they know not to play with you. And I'm like, I just don't want to, and yeah, I just don't want to, like, I don't want them to be traumatized.

SPEAKER_02 56:28

I don't want that's it for us. I think we're more traumatized than what it is actually doing to them because I'm the same way, like I can't like I I can't like I just it's just it hurts me to know that I'm doing that, but I think it's just because of our our past and our background. Like, yeah, we don't want them to experience any any of that, yeah, even a lick of it.

SPEAKER_00 56:49

Yeah. I don't want them to be scared of me, but it's it's needed though.

SPEAKER_02 56:53

I'm realizing that it's needed, like it is needed. We they need it, they they need they asshole.

SPEAKER_01 56:58

They need their ass once sometimes, my daughter. She be needing her ass once sometimes.

SPEAKER_04 57:06

That's why my mommy loves you so much.

SPEAKER_00 57:10

So, how do you feel about like or let me ask the question like this do you feel like you're the one breaking generational cycles?

unknown 57:20

Yes. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 57:21

Do you feel like that's a lot of weight on you?

SPEAKER_02 57:24

Um yes. Yes, I feel like I'm breaking generational cycles because I love my siblings. Um but I I see a lot of what we've gone through and how they parent and how they are. I feel like they're also trying to in their own ways. Um but for me, I just feel like I'm the only one of my siblings that like have an actual family and household, like, you know, marriage, career, so like I had you know sustainability part of it. And my dad had that, my mom didn't. Um so I do think that we we are all in our own ways, but for me, I just feel like I really really dug deep into what I saw from my older siblings. I'm the youngest, so like for my older siblings, what I saw, what went wrong, and how we grew up. And I took all that, I was like, I'm not, like, I'm not doing all of that. Like, I'm not doing all of this, and I'm gonna do something different. So I think that's the benefit of being the youngest, because I got to see all of them make their their screw-ups and their mistakes, and I'm like, nope, not doing that, not doing that, not doing that, not doing that, noted, noted, noted. Cool. So definitely. Um, what about what about you?

SPEAKER_00 58:42

Um, I definitely feel like I'm the one breaking generational cycles as it refers to um likes to like what we would call the stable household. Um mom and dad, um, you know, working dad, taking care of the household, mom at the house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, but also like the marriage aspect. I feel like out of everybody right now, I'm the closest to getting married than anyone. So when people come around, it's a huge weight because I know someone's gonna ask, When are y'all getting married? Like, where's the ring? Like, it's always a part of the conversation, and I feel like I'm carrying this heavy load that shouldn't be my load, you know, but it's so heavy because I'm like, I have to get married now. I have to get married, I have to get married, I have to get married. It's like going on and on and on in my head. Like, when is it gonna happen? When is it gonna happen? Am I getting married? Does he want to marry me? Like, I'm now I'm second guessing myself. Yeah, I'm spiraling because I'm like, and it all comes from this, like, I'm the closest one. Right now, I'm the closest one. I have the most stable household. So it's I feel like, yeah, like, you know, um, I don't know, it's kind of scary. And it honestly is scary.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:22

Um, but it's scary and it is a lot of pressure, and it is a lot for you to carry, but be proud of that. That's something that you should really, and that's something that I had to soak in and bass and like I am so proud that I'm the one who gets to do this. Like, I'm so proud that I get to break these generational curses and and and show, you know, my siblings and stuff like that. And it's not always love. Yeah, we know that it's not always love, um, human nature, of course. But be proud, like, be proud of that. Be proud that you're you're that person that's like showing and leading the way because if we're being completely honest, we are natural leaders because of how we were raised.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:08

You, I appreciate being my vulnerable self. Heck yes, like I can literally do say whatever, and like I can be a nerd because I literally do the same thing. I'll laugh at myself.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:19

I can be a nerd say something and laugh at myself, yeah. But also the dark humor. We have dark humor for sure. Yeah, yeah. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:27

I cannot have dark humor with nobody else. Like, they would look at me like this bitch has problems. This bitch has like real. Don't come back over here. Like, yeah, I can't say everything I want to say on here because I might get canceled. Love dark humor. Love dark humor. It's the best, it's the best. It's like you're laughing at your trauma.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:50

Like, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? It's my trauma. I can now laugh at it because I probably healed from it. And if I haven't, laughing until I do. Like, okay, emotional walls.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:01

You wanted to touch on that?

SPEAKER_02 1:02:02

Oh, definitely, yeah. Um, honestly, uh, a lot of the triggers and a lot of the things that I went through, I think, um are emotional walls for me, but at the same time, they I have spillage, if that makes sense. Like, okay, I have a lot, I will not say things, but I will overthink things. And I think I've seen this the most in relationships is that I will overthink everything. Like, why didn't you call me back? I called you. Why didn't you call me back? And then I'll spiral. And then I'll like spiral even more. I'm like, oh my god, this is like childhood trauma, but is it childhood trauma? Is he gaslighting me? Am I being manipulated? Like, it's immediately like a whole plethora of things. Yes, it's literally and then I guess what? And I'm at the end of this whole overthinking, my emotional walls will go up and I'll have an attitude. And this person has no idea why I have an attitude, but I'm like, you don't know not know the emotional warfare that I just went through in my head.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:58

I just went through a whole emotional warfare at war with myself. So now I have nothing to say, and now I'm angry. Now I have an attitude.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:08

Because, like, what that is funny. I do the exact same thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:15

It was something that you feel like you had to unlearn, unlearn, like from all your your past.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:21

Ooh. Um, let me see. Darn, that's a good one. Um, I feel like I had to unlearn like the anger part. Like, and I don't have to be in charge all the time. Like, I don't have to be like, because I'm a control freak. True, like through and through, I I like to be in control. I like when um I know what's going on, when I have it planned out, or like if something's out of my hands, like finances, like Sean pays all the bills, and so that was something I really had to get adjusted with. Um, because I've always paid my own bills, and so when I got with him and he was like, No, I got it, that was like, What do you mean? So, what do you want from me because you got it? Like, um, that was another thing too, like um always wanting, always feeling like someone wanted something from me. Um, but because I was raised by independent women, I always had to have my own. I always had to um work. I always had to, which is still a good thing, it's not a bad thing, like have your own. But it's not a horrible thing if a man wants to take care of you.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:57

So um find, you know, a safe place to be with your finances, but also don't make him feel horrible either for wanting to be the man of the house. So I feel like that's because that was instilled in me. Yeah. Like, don't ever, ever take from a man, don't ever, ever let him take care of you fully, right? Um, don't ever um like always have your own, never show your hand. It was just like always something. So, like when I had Sean, I had to unlearn all that that was instilled in me and like literally just let him be a man.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:41

Literally, like just let him be a man. Are you okay?

SPEAKER_03 1:05:45

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:45

Oh, yeah. Like Yes, because I feel like I genuinely like I I I can relate to that so much. Um I want some pickles. I think for me though, like it was a the thing. For me, it was a little different. Like, I feel like my dad raised. I mean, I see my mom, I see my mom struggle. I see my mom always depending on a man.

unknown 1:06:13

They stink.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:14

I'm listening to them. All this feels like when I opened up that salon, like that tray, that meat smelled so bad. I was like, is it good?

SPEAKER_01 1:06:22

I'm about to catch salmonella.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:24

I was like, but it's salami. Salami stinks. Um my mom was always dependent on a man, so I think that for me was like, I don't want to be like this. Yeah. Like she depended on a man for something. It may not have been like finances, but like emotional stability, or like just like she couldn't be by herself. She always had to have somebody there. And that was scary for me. Um, and I think that's kind of like why I'm like I enjoyed being by myself. Like I did. I it was so crazy because I would have moments even like in my last relationship or any relationship I've been in, I would literally be like, Okay, I'm gonna be like, go away for like a week. Don't talk to me, uh-uh, leave me alone. I want to be by myself. I just need my me time. Um, and that wasn't really healthy, but with my dad, um, he taught us completely different. He taught us, like, he taught me to get a have a husband. Like the husband pays the bills, like you know, like he taught us that's how it's supposed to go. So I think I had like a really good balance of seeing. Um, I think I'm able to be where I am with my husband because I have my own in a sense. Like, I I have my own. I may not have to work or do anything, but I have some type of financial stability on my own, and I had my career and I built my career and I did that on my own. Um with my ex. I tried that, if that makes sense. I tried the whole like you, you're the man, you go to work, you da-da-da. And it wasn't he, I'm like, 50, 50, 50, you need to pay half the rent, you need to pay half the and I was like, yeah, this ain't gonna work, shadow. This ain't it. Um, this ain't gonna work for me. Um, and seeing the type of person meant that he wasn't the type of man that I actually wanted, I just knew that wasn't gonna work for me. So having to learn and understand that um it's okay. Like you said, kind of like it's okay to like have a man take care of you and that whole control factor of the finances, um, always having my own, always doing on my own, and my husband pays for all of it. And it's actually I actually like it. Like I didn't think I was gonna like it the way I'm saying, but I actually love it. I love it. I love it. Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:55

And I feel like they envy it. Like a lot of people envy it. Like they're like, girl, your man pays all the bills, so like what do you do? I'm at home. I'm cute. What do you mean I'm at home? I'm cute. I he he works so I can get my hair done, so I can get my nails done, so I can have like clothes, like new clothes, so I can go and hang out with friends, so I can go and enjoy meals, so I can take care of the kids. Like, he works so I can do this, and they appreciate that. Yes, they love the fact that they can take care of their family. It's like it's like a win-win. It's like a win-win. Like, sex is great because of it. Like, he understands that I take I'm taking care of you. I'm like, well, I'm gonna take care of you. Like, it's a balance. It's a balance. Six, seven.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:51

You said you want a baby.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:55

Okay, now I've seen your status on Facebook. Let's take a pause. I'm not telling you what to do, but goddamn. Literally, like y'all just got married. I'm like, she's gonna be pregnant like in the next month. I assume. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:14

And I am not gonna be pregnant, guys. I promise you that.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:17

I think his comment, I'm ready whenever you are. Okay, sorry. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:25

He's more ready than I. I was like, oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:30

Bedroom now. We're just now getting started. Okay, one last piece of advice to send out to our viewers. What would you tell them that's helped you most in your transition? Um I know you said therapy, but like something that you can do on your own time. Self-reflection.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:54

Um journaling for me, um I think is huge. Another thing, which is probably gonna sound like really nerdy, is I play Sims. And Internet Sims. It's like an escape. It's like an escape. Not even just an escape, but I have set up so many different families that have gone through like some of my trauma.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:15

Oh shout out to the Sims Simmers. The Simmers out there, like we are hard simmers, okay? I've tried to like expose this to my social media, but I've never found someone who was the same like simmer.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:33

I love it. I love the simmer.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:35

The same simmer as me. And I absolutely love I love it. What the hell? Shout out to the simmers. We love y'all. We hey look, we're gonna talk to me. Yes, please, because moving forward, I love me some Sims.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:50

Um that's a good escape. I love it. It's a great escape. Um, but really, I guess it's self-reflecting. I think that is my thing, and just always wanting better for yourself and in the same sense being humble because I have this humbleness about myself, but not because somebody else. It's because of me. Like I I I've been through so much that I know at any given point in time it can be taken away from me. And because of and because of that, I am a lot more like I hold myself a lot more accountable, if that makes sense. And in those moments, I hold myself a lot more accountable for the things and who I want to be, and consistently growing and just always reflecting back because we don't want to go back to where we were and remembering that you can forgive, but don't forget, and always remember what broke you, but it can also build you.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:53

Yes, what broke you love to build you. We love that. I would say my um something that's helped me is learning the Bible. Like um, I know like people say that the Bible is like the key, but I didn't understand that phrase until after I started like genuinely reading the Bible, and it's gibberish when you just like read it, right? But you you have to get like a like a um day-to-day um like Bible for dummies. Yeah, I had a Bible and then I had a good study guide that study called, but yeah, Bible for dummies. Bible, they have that. Um so like something that like takes you to a chapter or story and helps you learn what it's trying to say, like what the verses mean and what the story is about, but like really, really, really read it because sometimes those study guides can um like pull something and say that it's about something until you read the whole story and you're like, oh well, that's not really what it was about. It's just afraid, like um, I hate to say it, but like some preachers will preach a sermon about something, which is another topic. We'll have to stop. Obviously, that's a whole nother topic because I don't know. Yeah, yeah, I don't go to church because I feel like it's just like they pull certain parts of the Bible, but they don't touch on the story of where that that phrase came from. Like, that's not actually what that means. You have to really, really read the story in order to understand what that phrase means. And so I feel like learning the Bible and sitting with the Bible and like like writing my thoughts down of like how I felt when that situation came into my life. Yeah, oh my god, oh my god, it was like a an an entire transition of like womanhood, motherhood. Like, I learned how to like be submissive. Yeah, I learned how to be like with my man from the Bible, like it was a hard, hard trans, a hard year, hard year. But I feel like that's something that I feel like if you are religious, I'm not telling anybody like you do you, but if you are religious, I and you don't know enough about the Bible, I would suggest joining a Bible study or like trying to learn the Bible by yourself, getting a study guide from like your local Barnes and Noble, or you can get one from online, like a digital one. Um, and then just like doing some inner work and journal. Like you said, like journal and write your thoughts down and um reading, yeah, reading too, like reading books and series has also helped me like within its escape, you know, but also Sims. Like I don't have a desktop right now, but when I do get a desktop, I will start sending things again. Again, um, this is episode two, so we are taking like scenarios and like questions in our little mailbox over here. Please. And if you want to email us or DM us on Instagram and or um what else we are on TikTok. And you know, if you have any questions, if you have like, oh, I want your advice on something, so just drop in the DMs and we will um read the question or scenario on the podcast at the end of the episode, and you guys can um tune in and get you know a little feedback. Get some feedback, some some good feedback, some good feedback.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:50

And however we can, if you can relate to us, even just with us, like I said, being mom, and I know there's a lot of postpartum moms out there. Um there's a lot of moms in general, and I have a good episode. Yes, I would love to talk to the postpartum moms because I went through a really hard postpartum um depression, so it's real, yeah, it's it's real, and just know that there's there's we're here, we're here for you.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:15

We are here for you. Yeah, and I feel like a lot of us our age are right in that middle.

unknown 1:17:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:26

Because I feel like I need a lot of old school, yeah, and the new school, yeah, and there's a lot of people that teeter-totter, and a lot of times it's a debate on whether and how you should raise your child, or you're too nice, or you're too strict, or you're too da-da-da. So this is a safe place. Yes, this is a safe place, however, you decide you are parenting, or however you decide you want to raise your child is your choice. But this is a safe place to express and to ask and to get those opinions from others. Absolutely. Absolutely. Judge free them.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:53

We're gonna close out by saying thank you guys for tuning in. Thank you guys for wanting to be a part of this community and um watch our feed and engage and you know, always love a little like a little like, a little comment, another subscribe, share, you know, because I mean if you're watching on YouTube, then you know, just share. Share little. It ain't nothing wrong with a little share. We're trying to make this um, you know, like you said, a safe space for all moms and try to um make sure that we're being honest and straightforward and uncut. And uncut and because a lot of people they don't be telling the truth. They don't be trying to. We just gave y'all some of our deepest, darkest secrets. Y'all know I probably would never talk about the money.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:49

Y'all are family now. Just saying um we just exposed our whole life.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:56

Please share.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:58

Please share.

unknown 1:18:59

Please share.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:01

Anyway, well, we love you guys. Thank you guys for tuning in. We'll see you guys next week for episode three. Love. Bye.