More Than What Happen to Me | #012 | Part 1 | Not A Perfect Christian

Episode 12 — More Than What Happened to Me | Part 1 🎙️

Sometimes staying busy looks like moving forward… when really, you’re just trying not to stop long enough to feel what still hurts.

This week, I realized I’ve been keeping myself busy while still healing from everything that happened in San Francisco. Then a message at church reminded me of something I needed to hear:

What happened to me is not who I am.

My plans may change. Relationships may change. Life may not look the way I expected. But my identity doesn’t have to change with my circumstances.

I’m still learning. Still healing. Still growing. ❤️🙏

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Do y'all know that song that goes like all I want is to live within your life and be undone by who you are, my desire to know you deal. I will open up again, throw my fears into the way. I am desperate for a touch of you're the fire in the morning, you're the cool in the evening, the breath in life in the world together.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

I was keeping myself busy because I didn't want to see I was very in the middle of my busiest weeks, God gave me a message about identity. Welcome back to Not a Perfect Christian. If this is your first time here, welcome. I'm not a pastor, I'm not a Bible scholar, I'm just a regular guy trying to know Jesus a little more every week and sharing what I'm learning along the way. And if you've been following this journey, you know the last couple of episodes have been pretty heavy. Episode 10, probably one of the hardest episodes I've ever recorded. I talk about San Francisco, the marathon I trained months for, but couldn't run because of my knee. The trip that didn't go the way I imagined, a relationship that became uncertain, and everything I felt when I finally came home. Then episode eleven was different. For the first time you actually saw me, which was terrifying. For ten episodes I could hide behind a microphone. Then suddenly episode eleven, camera, lights, face. Hello. Apparently, this is what the person behind the voice looks like. And preparing the first video episode took a lot more work than I expected. I had two cameras. I had my notebook, I was figuring out angles, lighting, editing, clips, everything. So between that and my regular work schedule, this week became busy. I work, I work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and my day off was Sunday. And technically my night shift didn't finish until Sunday morning. So my day off started after working all night, which I'm starting to think is not actually how a day off works. I finished work Sunday morning, drove home, and I was tired. And when I was when I say tired, I mean the kind of tired where your body is home, but your brain is still somewhere on the freeway. But I knew I wanted to go to church. So I went home, got myself ready, grabbed my notebook and went. And looking back, I'm really glad I did because I think I needed church that morning more than I realized. The truth is, working that much wasn't only about work. Preparing the podcast wasn't only about the podcast. Keeping my schedule full wasn't only because I had things to do. I think I was distracting myself. After everything that happened in San Francisco, I didn't really want too much quiet. Because quiet gave me time to think. And thinking brought everything back. The marathon, the injury, the conversation, the things I wish I had said differently, the things I wish I had done differently, the question, the memories, the what if. And sometimes staying busy is easier than sitting with those things. So I work, I edited, I recorded, I planned, I keep moving. And from the outside, that probably looked healthy. Wow, it's productive, he's moving forward, he's doing good. But there's a difference between moving forward and simply not stopping. And I'm learning that difference because apparently you cannot schedule heartbreak out of your calendar. I tried. Monday work, Tuesday work, Wednesday work, Thursday, still sad. No, we don't have time for that. But eventually your heart catches up with you, and that's something I'm beginning to understand. You can destroy yourself, but you can't heal yourself just by staying busy. And I'm not saying being busy is bad, work is good, having responsible responsibilities is good, creating something is good, exercise is good, being around people is good, but I think we have to ask ourselves why we're doing those things? Am I working because I'm responsible or because I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts? Am I exercising because I enjoy taking care of myself? Or because I'm trying to outrun something emotionally? Am I constantly around people because I love community? Or because silence makes me uncomfortable? Those are difficult questions, and I didn't really ask myself those questions until Sunday. So I walked into church after working all night, probably not looking particularly spiritual. I don't know what spiritual rested person looks like, but it definitely wasn't. I sat down, opened my notebook, and the message that weekend was from Pastor Andy Wood. The series was called Live Cell, and the message was Anchor in Identity right here, and almost immediately one sentence stood out to me. You were made for more. At least one of them business. I was filling every empty space with something, work, editing, planning, sports, anything that kept my mind occupied. And sitting there I started wondering what happened when all of that stops? What happens when work ends? When the camera turns off, when the podcast is uploaded, when everybody goes home, when it's just me, my thoughts, and God. Do I still know who I am? That question became important because I realized how easily we build our identity around things that can disappear. My career, my goals, running, relationship, success, other people's opinions, even this podcast. And none of those things are necessarily bad, but none of them were created to tell me who I am. And this is where the timing of this message was almost funny to me. Because I had just gone through a season where multiple things I cared about changed at almost the same time. My marathon was po my knee injured, my relationship uncertain, my beautiful San Francisco itinerary. Let's not talk about the itinerary. I spent a lot of time of that itinerary, and suddenly so many things I had attached expectation to were gone or different. And maybe that's why God needed to remind me, you are more than what happened to you. You're more than the race you didn't run. You're more than the relationship that didn't go the way you hoped. You're more than your mistakes, you're more than your disappointments, you're more than the version of your life you thought you would have by now. And I think that's where identity becomes important. Because if I don't know who I am, I'll spend my entire life asking temporary things to answer that question for me. The first scripture on the page was Genesis 1 2728. It talks about God creating mankind in his own image, and something about that felt different this week. Because before Adam accomplished anything, before he built anything, before he earned anything, before he proved anything, God had already given him identity. And I'm someone who's like doing. Give me a go and I'll work. I work towards it. Give me a project and I'll plan it. Give me a marathon and I'll train. Give me a podcast and apparently I'll buy two cameras. Right there, right there. That escalated quickly. But faith keeps reminding me that before everything I do, there is something deeper about who I am, and maybe that's what I needed God to remind me of San Francisco. Because disappointments has this strange ability to make us question ourselves. When something doesn't work, we don't only say that fail. Sometimes we start saying I fail. When somebody doesn't choose us, we don't only think the relationship didn't work. Sometimes we start thinking, maybe I'm not worth choosing. When a dream disappears, we don't only grieve the dream. Sometimes we start wondering, what am I supposed to do now? And that's dangerous. Because something that happened to us slowly becomes something we believe about ourselves, and maybe that's why God doesn't want our identity anchored in circumstances. Because circumstances change people. Change, people change, job change, bodies change, plan change, feeling change, but God doesn't. And apparently God wasn't finished talking to me that Sunday. Because as the message continued, it moved from who we are to why we're here. The notes started talking about being said. Jesus says in John 2021, As the Father has sent me, I am sending you. Am I sitting there thinking, hold on, I came here exhausted, looking for encouragement. Now I'm being sent somewhere. Can I be sent to my bed? That's where I feel cold right now. But then the message kept going. And and the more I realize the more I listened, the more I realized this wasn't only about missionaries, it wasn't only about only pastors, it wasn't only about people who travel around the world preaching the gospel. It was about all of us. And that become became especially interesting because after the service, something happened that I wasn't expecting. Something that started with with this. Look at that. On the front, it simply says God's plan. Nothing crazy, pretty simple. But then you turn it around. I will show it to the camera right there. I hope you see it. There's two in the side. Look at this. One says your plan. And there is basically one butterfly. Look at that. Then the other side it says God's plan. And there's our butterflies everywhere.

unknown 19:05

Look at that.

SPEAKER_01 19:06

Look at that beauty. Apparently, God's plan has significantly more butterflies than mine. But underneath it, the design, under but underneath the design, it referenced to Isaiah 55 8.9. The message is about how God's ways are higher than our ways, and his plans are higher than ours. And considering what I've been talking about for the last couple episodes, this shirt feels almost too accurate. Because think about it. My plan, train for months, go to San Francisco, run for my first marathon, cross the finish line, get the medal, celebrate, having an amazing trip, come home with great memories. What actually happened? Injured knee, differed marathon, argument, emotional breakdown, crying, relationship uncertain, and a podcast episode about it. Slight difference. I don't think this shirt came with that particular itinerary. But that's exactly why the message on the back means more than to me now. Because Isaiah 55, 8 to 9 says, For my thoughts are my not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declared the Lord. And it continued by saying, God's ways are higher than our ways, and his thoughts higher than our thoughts. And I'll be honest, that's a beautiful verse. Until God's plan looks nothing like yours. Then suddenly it's a little harder. It's easy to say God has planned when his plan looks similar to the plan you already wanted. It's much harder to say God has plans when you're standing at Marathon Expo signing a deferral form. It's harder when a relationship changes. It's harder when you've prayed and the answer doesn't look anything like what you expected. But maybe that's when trust actually became trust. So church ends. I'm getting ready to leave. And this couple who had been sitting behind me started started talking to me. And the first thing they mentioned was measure. They told me they like it. Actually, they had apparently been looking at it throughout the service. Which made me which made me think, wait, wait a minute. Were you listening to the to Pastor Andy or you were reading my shirt the whole time? But I'm glad they noticed it because that's that compliment started a conversation. And honestly, it became one of the favorite moments from that Sunday. We started talking and they began sharing about their missionary works. They told me about how they travel to different places around the world, helping people, serving people, and sharing their faith. And I'm standing there listening to their stories. Right after sitting through a message called Life Sent. Remember what I had just written in my notes. You are sent. Send me send with authority, send with power, send to bring good news. And then the service ends. I turn around and I meet two people telling me about how they've literally gone around the world serving others. The timing definitely got my attention, and the whole conversation started because they like my shirt. This thing did more networking than I do. I'm introverted. Apparently, my shirt isn't. But that's what made me think. Sometimes we imagine that conversation about faith have to begin with something huge. We think we need the perfect Bible verse. The perfect word words, the perfect opportunity. Maybe we think I'm not qualified enough. I don't know enough. What if they ask me something I can't answer? And trust me, I understand that. That's basically the entire reason this podcast is called Not a Perfect Christian. I don't have all the answers. I'm learning. But that Sunday nobody woke up to me because I had all the answers. They saw, they saw sure. They give me a compliment and we start talking. That's it. Sometimes a meaningful conversation can start with something incredibly simple.