When Father Christmas is the Gaslighter: Parents' Experiences with Special Education

Parents of children with disabilities in the Global North share an unfortunate reality; schools don’t always have the best interests of their students as a first priority.  

Schools are under pressure from many directions, and with chronically low funding, there is a tendency to provide less than an optimum program for a child.

This conflict between priorities leads to school personnel not being completely honest with parents about their intentions.  

An intra-institutional conflict like this leads naturally an effort to “sell” what the school wants as an IEP offer.  The parent picks up that there are things going on below the surface that are playing a role.

The parents are correct, of course.  However, the school will deny this is happening, and the denial is often paired with staff training on how to “work with parents” that further embeds the practice.

This is gaslighting, and parents eventually figure it out.  But the damage to the trust a parent may have had their school is gone.  The early promises of real help were largely illusory.

References:

This is the article used in the podcast

https://eprints.whiterose.ac.uk/id/eprint/200003/10/FINAL%20When%20Father%20Christmas%20June%201%202023.pdf

Here is a link to a directory for Parent Training and Information Centers across the U.S.

https://www.parentcenterhub.org/find-your-center/

Summary

The host, discusses a joint British-Canadian research paper titled When Father Christmas Is the Gaslighter: How Special Education Systems Make Mothers Mad, which examines how special education systems label mothers of disabled children as irrational or mentally ill. He highlights the paper’s findings on gaslighting as an institutional form of power, the dismissal of mothers’ knowledge, and the resulting loss of trust. The host also offers practical advice for parents, including finding allies and contacting parent training centers.

Key takeaway

Research Paper Overview and Key Findings

The host introduced a joint British-Canadian paper that uses "mad" in the British sense to describe mental illness, not anger

The paper was written with, by, and for mothers whose children have been labeled with special educational needs, aiming to explore how systems define these mothers as mad

The dominant narrative frames the loss of a "normal" child as a form of bereavement, with mothers described as experiencing ongoing grief over missed milestones

Gaslighting as Institutional Power

Gaslighting occurs both at the individual level and as an institutional power operation that makes mothers lose faith in themselves

One parent described looking back and realizing it was gaslighting – she lost confidence in her judgments and was made to feel her advocacy was unreasonable and that she was exploiting her privilege

Another mother, Anisa, questioned her child’s school placement but was made to feel silly, foolish, or demanding, treated like a "hippie mom" whose views were not taken seriously

Dismissal of Mothers’ Knowledge and Advocacy

Mothers’ views are dismissed as irrational feelings, while practitioners’ professional knowledge is treated as authoritative

Everything a mother says is considered irrational because she is either too upset or in denial – no rational statement is possible

The mother who "has done too much reading" is stigmatized – her knowledge is stripped of power and rebranded as mere emotion

The Impact on Professional Mothers

Even mothers who are educational professionals find their expertise dismissed when speaking about their own child

An educational psychologist mother described how the school would say "let's wait to see what the psychologist says" despite her own professional qualifications

This illustrates the systemic loss of power that affects mothers regardless of their personal expertise

Parental Realization and Loss of Trust

Many mothers initially trust practitioners fully, only to later realize that trust was misplaced, comparing the betrayal to discovering Father Christmas is not real

One parent said she once thought practitioners told the truth and were there to help, but now feels that was a naïve belief

The host noted that a common misconception is that parents are "crazy," and he assures them their reality is likely the true one, not what the IEP team says

Suggestions for Parents

The article recommends developing alliances with other parents and contacting local parent training and information centers

The host echoes that advice and encourages parents to call their local parent training and information center for support

A link to the national directory of parent training and information centers was provided in the show notes

Thanks to Soundimage.org for the free access to the AI generated music used in this podcast (https://soundimage.org/) 

Transcript

I recently came across a joint British/Canadian research paper titled, “’When Father Christmas is the Gaslighter’: How Special Education Systems Make (M)others ‘Mad’”.   

Mad in this case is used in the British was to describe mental illness, not anger. 

Although the authors are British and Canadian, the climate and culture of special education in the U.S. is very similar to what is described here.

I’ll be reading edited portions of the article.  The authors write,  “This paper is written with, by and for mothers whose children have been labelled as having ‘special educational needs’ (SEN) and whose goal was to “… explore the ways in which special education systems across the global North (define) mothers of disabled children as ‘mad’.

‘The dominant narrative suggests that the ‘loss’ of a ‘normal’ child should be understood as a form of bereavement. Mothers of disabled children are described as experiencing ‘recurrent grief’ as they encounter repeated ‘losses’ as their atypically developing child misses developmental milestones. 

‘The term ‘special educational needs” has been widely criticized for reinforcing a within-child causal model of disability, often described as the medical model of disability, which places blame for lack of participation on the child as opposed to seeking to remove the barriers to education that exist.

‘In a climate of budget cuts, mothers are described as wanting, ‘more’ and, often, this is done by (defining) mothers as ‘sharp elbowed’, and as having “erroneous beliefs…

‘One parent wrote, “Looking back, it was gaslighting, making me lose faith in myself and in my judgments. My advocacy for support for education was ‘unreasonable’; I was seen as ‘asking for too much’ and as ‘exploiting my ‘education and middle-class privilege’. I was accused of ‘denying other children their rightful support’. Years later, I think I’m still uncertain about my judgments, still questioning myself about how ‘reasonable’ I am.

‘The gaslighting is something that can occur at the level of the individual in intimate relations but is also understood as an operation of power within institutional context.

‘When Anisa questioned her child’s school placement, she described being made to feel “silly”, “foolish” and “demanding”. Anisa describes being “treated like some sort of hippie mum” whose views could not or should not be taken seriously…

‘So everything you say is [considered to be] irrational because you're either…terribly upset about your child or you're in denial about the level of [of their] difficulty. So there's no possible rational thing that you can say.

‘As Anisa went on to explain, they became known as the “mother who has done too much reading.” 

‘“mum’s” views are drained of power as their knowledge is dismissed. The (m)other’s view is storied instead as a ‘feeling’. This ‘feeling’ is constructed in direct contrast with the views of practitioners who are imbued with authority through professional knowledge and judgement based on expertise and experience

‘Even for professional practitioners in the field, the loss of power is evident. A parent wrote, I’m an educational psychologist and as an educational psychologist, I would be saying X, Y, Z [but when I talk about my own child] the school says ‘Oh, okay. Yes. We'll wait and see what the psychologist says’.

‘Another parent said, [When my son was first diagnosed] I thought that practitioners were telling me the truth and that they were there to help. Now, I feel that was a stupid thing to think. I realize now that’s not how it works. But that realization is so profound. I had such trust in them. It is like believing in Father Christmas and finding out that he's not real. And it isn't.”

One of the most frequent misconceptions that comes up when I first meet a parent is the idea that they are crazy.  I always assure them they are not, what their reality is very likely the true reality, not what her IEP team says. 

That’s the end of the article.  Suggestions for improvement in the article centered around developing “allies” of other parents.  I would also suggest you call your local Parent Training and Information Center; they will listen and can help.  A link to a national directory of PTICs is included in the notes.