Saying No Without the Guilt; Boundaries as a Form of Self-Respect

The Momentum Coach Podcast exists to remind every midlife woman that her life is not over, it is just beginning. 

We gather each week around the real conversations about identity, purpose, love, faith, money, health, and becoming because we believe that the woman who has spent decades showing up for everyone else deserves a space to finally show up for herself. 

Through honest conversations, hard-won wisdom, and the courage to live out loud, we are building a movement of women who refuse to stay small, refuse to play it safe, and refuse to believe that their best days are behind them. 

This is not a podcast about surviving midlife. This is a podcast about owning it. Because midlife is not a decline. It is the most powerful chapter of a woman's life. And every woman deserves someone in her corner telling her so.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Welcome to the Momentum Coach Podcast. This podcast was born out of everything I have survived, and everything that I know and I believe in my heart that you deserve. It is for the woman who has spent decades showing up for everyone else and is finally ready to show up for herself. The woman who has been through it all, who is still standing, who knows deep down that there is more, so much more waiting for her on the other side. Every Wednesday morning, we gather right here for real conversations about identity, conversations about faith and purpose, about love, money, health, and becoming. Not the polished version, not the version that makes everyone comfortable, but the real version. Because you have been through too much and you have come too far for anything less than the truth. This is not a podcast about surviving midlife. This is a podcast about owning midlife. New episodes every Wednesday morning on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and at elevationlife coaching dot com slash podcast. And while you are listening, download the Momentum 365 app at Momentum365. It is your daily companion for building unstoppable momentum.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Now let's get into today's episode. Let's move. A two-letter word.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

The shortest, simplest, most complete sentence in the English language, and that word is no. Say it out loud with me, no. Now, how did that feel? For some of you, it felt fine. It felt easy and natural. But for a lot of women listening right now, that word set uncomfortable in your mouth. Maybe even a little wrong, like you needed to add something after it. No, but I'm so sorry. Or no, I wish I could. No, please don't be upset with me. Or no, let me explain myself. We have been so conditioned to soft, soften our no, to wrap it in apology and explanation and reassurance, that the clean, simple, unadorned version feels almost rude, almost selfish, almost like too much. Today I want to change that. I'm Dr. Novice McDaniel, the Momentum Coach, and this is episode six of the Momentum Coach Podcast: saying no without the guilt, boundaries as a form of self-respect. Today we are talking about boundaries, not the buzzword version, not the therapy speak version, the real, lived, sometimes painful, always liberating truth about what it means to finally hold the line in your relationships, your work, your family, and your own heart. And I'm going to start by telling you something I know from personal experience. The inability to say no almost cost me everything. So let's talk about it, the word no. I won't go deeply into my full story today. We covered some of that in episode one, but I want to say this today, this much. There was a season of my life when saying no felt genuinely dangerous. Not metaphorically, but literally. I was in a situation where my voice, my needs, my right to say this is not okay, we're not safe to express. And what that season taught me at enormous cost is that when we lose our ability to say no, we don't just lose a word. We lose ourselves, piece by piece, little by little, quietly, until one day we look in the mirror and we cannot find the woman who used to live there. Now, most of you listening are not in a situation that extreme. But I share this because I want you to understand that boundaries are not a luxury. They are not a personality preference, they are not something only difficult or demanding people need. Boundaries are the architecture of a self. They are how you tell the world and yourself that I exist. I matter, I have needs that are worth honoring. And without them, you disappear. Slowly, politely, with a smile on your face, but you disappear. So why is this so hard? Because it is hard. It's genuinely hard. And I want to honor that before we talk about how to change it. Here are the three deepest reasons that midlife women struggle with boundaries. Reason number one is that we were raised to be agreeable. From the time we were little girls, we were rewarded for being nice, for being accommodating, being easy to get along with. That a boundary is an act of rejection, of coldness, of not caring enough. And because we are women who love deeply and care fearlessly, fiercely, we cannot bear the thought of making someone feel rejected. So we say yes when we mean no. We overextend, we overcommit, we over-deliver until we are running on empty, resenting the very people we were trying to love. Here is the truth that reframes everything. A boundary is not a wall that keeps people out. A boundary is a door with a lock that you control. It doesn't mean you love less, it means you love sustainably. Reason number three is we have practiced saying yes for so long that no feels unnatural. This is simply about habit. If you have spent 20, 30, 40 years, 50 prioritizing everyone else's needs over your own, saying no will feel wrong at first. Not because it is wrong, but because it is unfamiliar. And unfamiliar things always feel uncomfortable before they feel right. The discomfort of setting a boundary is not a sign that you're doing something wrong. It is a sign that you are doing something new. And new things, by definition, feel awkward before they feel natural. Let me give you a definition of boundaries that I want you to hold on to. A boundary is simply a clear communication of what you will and will not accept in your relationships and your life. That's it. It's simple, not a punishment, not a threat, not an ultimatum, a communication. This is okay with me. This is not okay with me. This is how I need to be treated. This is what I am no longer available for. And here is what makes boundaries different from rules or demands. A boundary is always about your behavior, not the other person's behavior. You cannot control what someone else does, but you can always control what you do in response. So a boundary sounds like if you speak to me that way, I will leave the room. Not you are not allowed to speak to me that way. The first is a boundary, you control it entirely. The second one is a demand, and demands without consequences are just wishes. Now let me walk with you through the four types of boundaries that every midlife woman needs to understand. Type one is physical boundaries, your body, your space, your physical comfort, who has access to you physically, how much of your personal energy you give, what you are and are not comfortable with in physical spaces and interactions. For women who have experienced physical violation in any form, reclaiming physical boundaries is one of the most profound acts of healing that there is. Type two, emotional boundaries. This is about protecting your emotional energy. You are not responsible for managing other people's emotions. You are not required to absorb someone else's anger, anxiety, or their negativity. You are allowed to say, I care about you, and I cannot take this on right now. Both things are true at the same time. And then type three is time boundaries. Your time is your life, literally. Every hour you give away is an hour of your one precious life. And for women who have spent decades giving their time primarily to others, learning to protect time for yourself is radical. It will feel selfish at first. It is not selfish, it is survival. And then type four, values boundaries. These are the deepest boundaries of all, the lines that define who you are at your core, what you will and will not participate in, what you will and will not tolerate in your presence, what you will and will not compromise, no matter the pressure. Values boundaries are non-negotiable. And knowing yours, your values boundaries clearly, unapologetically, is one of the greatest gifts that you can give yourself. So let's get practical. All right, let's get practical. Because knowing what boundaries are is one thing. Setting them with real people in real situations in real time is a whole nother thing entirely. Here is a simple three-step framework I call the clear, the consequence, the calm. Step one is the clear. State your boundary clearly and simply. No over-explanation, no lengthy justification, no apology. I'm not available for calls after 7 p.m. I won't be able to take that on right now. That kind of comment doesn't work for me. I need some time to myself this weekend. Clear, direct, complete. You do not owe anyone a detailed explanation for your boundaries. A simple, kind, clear statement is all that's needed. Step two, the consequence. If the boundary is crossed, what will you do? Not what will you say to them, what will you do? If this continues, I'm going to end the call. If that happens again, I'll need to take some space from this relationship. If this pattern doesn't change, I won't be able to continue in this role. And then here is the most important part. You have to follow through. Follow through. A boundary without a consequence is just a preference. A consequence without follow through is just a threat. The moment you follow through, the moment you actually do what you said you would do, everything changes. Because you have proven to yourself and to the other person that your words mean something. And then step number three is the calm. This is where most women lose their boundary. Someone pushes back, they get upset, they guilt you, they call you selfish, they tell you you've changed. Don't stay calm, stay kind, stay firm. I understand you're upset. This is still my boundary. You do not need to match their emotion. You do not need to defend yourself endlessly. You simply need to stay in your truth calmly, quietly, immovably. That calm, that quiet firmness is the most important, powerful thing a woman can embody. I know because I had to learn it the hard way. And I promise you, once you find it, you will never want to live without it again. I cannot do this episode without talking about the guilt. Because it will come. When you start setting boundaries, especially if you haven't done it before, the guilt will show up like an uninvited house guest. Loud, obnoxious, persistent, convinced it belongs there. I want to give you three things to say to that guilt. Number one, guilt is not always a signal that you've done something wrong. Sometimes guilt is simply the feeling of doing something that is unfamiliar. Your nervous system has been wired for years to prioritize everyone else. When you don't do that, it says an alarm. That alarm is not truth, it is habit. Number two, you cannot pour from an empty cup. I know you've heard this before, but I want you to really sit with that today. That you cannot pour from an empty cup. Every time you say yes when you mean no, every time you overextend beyond your capacity, every time you give what you don't have, you are not being loving. You are depleting the very resource that makes your love possible. Protecting your energy is not selfish. It is what makes you sustainable. And then number three, the people who truly love you will respect your boundaries. They may not love them at first. Change in a relationship, dynamic is always uncomfortable for both people. But the people who genuinely love and respect you will adjust, will grow, will ultimately be grateful for the honesty. And the people who cannot respect your boundaries, those people are telling you something that's very important about the relationship. So listen. Listen to what they're saying. Your momentum move for this week is what I call the one boundary. I want you to identify one area of your life where you have been saying yes, when your whole soul has been saying no. One relationship, one commitment, one dynamic, one plat, one pattern, just one. And this week, I want you to practice the clear. Just the first step. You don't have to have the full conversation right now. You don't have to figure out the consequences right now. Just get clear. Clear in your own mind. Clear in your own words. Whatever your boundary actually is, write it down. I am no longer available for whatever it is. What I need in this situation is blank. The line I will no longer allow to be crossed is blank. Get it out of your head and onto the paper. Because a boundary you can name is a boundary you can hold. And a boundary you can hold is the beginning of a life built on your terms. Thank you for this. Thank you for this conversation that you allowed me to have with you today. Boundaries are not easy, but they are essential. Saying no is not easy. They are the difference between a life you drift through and a life you actually choose. You have spent enough time being everything to everyone else. It is time, it's pastime to be something for yourself, to be firm, to be clear, and to be unapologetic. Next week we are talking about something that is the foundation for everything else we've discussed so far in this podcast. Your health and your body. Not in the way the world usually talks about it, not about size or weight or looking a certain way, but about energy, about vitality, what it means to be fully alive in the body that you have right now. Episode seven is going to be a powerful episode. Make sure that you are subscribed. And before I let you go today, I need you to do a few things for me. I need you to do a few things for me. Number one, I if this episode moves something in you, share it. Tag a woman, tag someone in your life who needs to hear this. Send it to her directly. Post it on your page. Do whatever you need to do to get this into her hands. Because somewhere right now, there is a woman who needs exactly what you just heard. And then number two, leave us a review. Leave us a review on Spotify, on Apple Podcasts. Wherever you are listening right now, it only takes about 60 seconds, and it helps other women find this show. Every review is a woman who gets reached. Please do it for me. Take 60 seconds today and leave a review. And then number three, subscribe. Subscribe and listen to new episodes every Wednesday morning. Find us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you listen to your podcasts. Or go directly to our website at Elevation Life Coaching dot com Slash Podcast. Everything is waiting for you there. Fourth, download our new app, the Momentum 365 app, at Momentum365.today. It is your daily companion for building unstoppable momentum between episodes. It's free to access, it's built just for you, and it is available right now at Momentum365.today. And number five, grab your copy of my new book, Momentum 365. 31 Days of Prophetic Alignment, AI activation, and digital wealth. Available on Amazon and at Elevation Life Coaching.com. 31 days, one decision a day, a completely transformed life. And then finally, if you or someone you know would like to support this podcast, we are actively seeking sponsors and partners who believe in the power of midlife women. Reach out to us directly at hello at elevationlife coaching.com or visit our website, elevationlife coaching dot com slash podcast for our full media kit. We would love to have you in our corner. And now again, I'm Dr. Novice McDaniel, the momentum coach, your momentum coach. Now let's move. I'll see you next time.