SPEAKER_01: Well, good morning, welcome all.
SPEAKER_01: Um, can you hear me okay?
SPEAKER_01: This is maybe a little bit odd of a thing, but I I personally have found it very helpful and it occurred to me um you might as well.
SPEAKER_01: So if you do or don't, I'd be grateful to hear how this goes for you.
SPEAKER_01: Uh let me tell you first a little bit more about what I want to tell you about.
SPEAKER_01: And Linda's been so good as to bring this book, which has sold a ton of copies.
SPEAKER_01: It's called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendricks and his wife.
SPEAKER_01: Um it's really interesting.
SPEAKER_01: Uh they this thing I want to present to you called Imago Relationship Therapy is international.
SPEAKER_01: In fact, one of my trainers is South African, and he's a trainer who does this either by commuting or uh does it by video conference.
SPEAKER_01: Um, even though it's international, Houston is one of the international centers.
SPEAKER_01: So if you find this interesting at all, there is a couples workshop for new, old, medium couples you can do in in Houston regularly.
SPEAKER_01: Uh the getting the love you want.
SPEAKER_01: If you if you Google that and look for workshops, you have the opportunity to do this downtown.
SPEAKER_01: It's usually two and a it's like like a Friday evening, a Saturday, and a Sunday morning, and I'll give you your church pass if you do this, uh, because it really is interesting.
SPEAKER_01: It's not a newlyweds thing, it's it's really exercises you can do as a couple at any point in your marriage to strengthen your relationship.
SPEAKER_01: And um, again, that's Imago relation therapy, is what they developed.
SPEAKER_01: Dr.
SPEAKER_01: Hendricks actually was a teacher at the Perkins School of Theology at SMU.
SPEAKER_01: So I'm not, he grew up Baptist, and then he was this professor of pastoral care.
SPEAKER_01: And interestingly enough, um, his first marriage didn't work out.
SPEAKER_01: And he married a woman named Helen whose first marriage didn't work out.
SPEAKER_01: And while they met, he sort of tried to develop why is it that that happened and what could be done differently.
SPEAKER_01: And one of the things that's really interesting about this book and what I want to offer to you is that a lot of marital counseling therapy works like this.
SPEAKER_01: The relationship is the variable.
SPEAKER_01: So what happens if you're having marital issues, a lot of counselors will say, Well, you go to individual therapy and see what's going on, and when you fix yourselves, the relationship may or may not work, and you'll make that choice.
SPEAKER_01: So the relationship's the variable.
SPEAKER_01: The Imago approach is really quite different.
SPEAKER_01: It says the relationship is the given.
SPEAKER_01: The relationship is the thing to hold on to, and the relationship, interestingly enough, is the thing that offers to heal you individually.
SPEAKER_01: Now I want you to know some of what I'm going to tell you, you might say, that sounds like pop psychology and kind of crack potty.
SPEAKER_01: Um fair enough and fine.
SPEAKER_01: Take a deep breath though, because it's really a really interesting way to go.
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so what I want to do is give you, I've got several handouts, some of which may or may not be helpful.
SPEAKER_01: And I didn't expect you to like read them now.
SPEAKER_01: Um, but here's sort of an introduction to Imago therapy in about three pages, and then there's an exercise I'm going to walk you through on the back that you can literally use with your significant other word for word.
SPEAKER_01: That seems wooden, uh, and that's fine.
SPEAKER_01: I talk to you more about that in a second.
SPEAKER_04: All right, should we share for a couple?
SPEAKER_01: No, take take one each because what you'll want is to exercise on the back.
SPEAKER_01: I I I trust.
SPEAKER_01: You'll want to have them.
SPEAKER_01: A little bit in my background here.
SPEAKER_01: I I'm not a therapist.
SPEAKER_01: I'm not licensed.
SPEAKER_01: I I had pastoral care.
SPEAKER_01: That was one class in seminary.
SPEAKER_01: Um, I do premarital counseling.
SPEAKER_01: I always tell my couples to please pick somebody else.
SPEAKER_01: They usually say, Oh, we want to be with you.
SPEAKER_01: I this is so odd to me.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, but so I do it, and that's actually why I took this so that I could learn more about how to do it.
SPEAKER_01: Um and I've learned uh uh I think that these skills have been really helpful in my own marriage because of course I've gone home and tried them out with my wife's consent, which has been great.
SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna take the extras so that I've got one if that's okay.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I need another one.
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
SPEAKER_01: And if you want any more of these, let me know.
SPEAKER_01: Uh the book Linda held up, Getting the Love You Want.
SPEAKER_01: You can buy that at uh on Amazon or Barnes and Noble, actually, because it's a bestseller.
SPEAKER_01: And ultimately, it has all of the little dialogue exercises in it that I'm going to introduce to you over the next couple of weeks.
SPEAKER_01: Now, I would tell you, this is not a workshop, so we're not gonna break into couples' groups and have you do stuff and come back.
SPEAKER_01: No couple is going to sit in the middle and we're all going to watch how they do this.
SPEAKER_01: To be honest with you, we could do that because um part of what the skill set asks is not to try to bite really hard bites.
SPEAKER_01: It it talks about taking easy ones.
SPEAKER_01: And those are the skills I want to give you today, or the exercises today, are a couple of the practices they recommend that are actually pretty easy.
SPEAKER_01: So the first thing I want to tell you, I've really been talking to uh Parishioner about this quite a bit.
SPEAKER_01: I I have a math degree, uh, which means nothing really.
SPEAKER_01: Um I don't really understand science, but the um scientific approach from this actually a lot of it comes from the study of quantum mechanics, and and I put this uh to you from the little bit I understand.
SPEAKER_01: Lila has helped me understand a little bit more, she's a real scientist.
SPEAKER_01: Um we often have these experiences where we where we feel disconnected from other people.
SPEAKER_01: Maybe they didn't say what we hoped we would say, or even they did something intentionally to hurt us.
SPEAKER_01: So we feel disconnection.
SPEAKER_01: At the quantum level, though, there is no disconnection.
SPEAKER_01: Everything is fundamentally connected, which means there is an experience of disconnection, but there's not disconnection.
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01: Um theologically, it's really interesting.
SPEAKER_01: I I by the way, I'm not endorsing this, but I I just I want to drill this down because I it I think it's a really important approach.
SPEAKER_01: Um I've read a number of theologians, um, feminist and otherwise, who have basically railed against a number of um things that have happened to them, particularly people who were abused.
SPEAKER_01: And what's I don't want to say interesting, but holds up is that even in a moment of abuse, there's connection with the other person and with the universe.
SPEAKER_01: Uh that doesn't mean it's all okay.
SPEAKER_01: Not all connections are are equal, right?
SPEAKER_01: But there's a connection.
SPEAKER_01: So one of the things that starts out is that in uh relationships that are feeling um isolation and tension and stress, what they call the power struggle, you experience disconnection, however, the connection is there.
SPEAKER_01: And and how we engage with that is is sort of uh the deal.
SPEAKER_01: So they they emphasize a couple of different journeys, but what I want to say is um they they offer this sort of timeline of relationships, and I want to give you three stages.
SPEAKER_01: Um, the first stage of relationship is called romantic love.
SPEAKER_01: Now, now you may know about romance.
SPEAKER_01: I remember when I had first met my spouse and we decided that this was going somewhere.
SPEAKER_01: We were walking into a um a grocery store one day in the middle of nowhere, we knew nobody, and this lady walked by us and she went, ah, young love.
SPEAKER_01: And I was so intrigued by that comment.
SPEAKER_01: How on earth did she know or see that?
SPEAKER_01: Um maybe you've known or seen that.
SPEAKER_01: Uh my last parish had this couple, and uh the sort of the gossip that came to me is you can tell that they're uh still young love because they touch each other all the time.
SPEAKER_01: Um kind of what they say is that one of the interesting things about the romantic phase is A, that it's a phase.
SPEAKER_01: And part of what happens in that romantic, I don't mean romance, I mean the romantic phase.
SPEAKER_01: That's different from romance, is that a couple um has a lot of um chemicals that are going on, and one of the main things they have going on is something called symbiosis.
SPEAKER_01: That is, you think her thoughts are my thoughts, and my thoughts are his thoughts.
SPEAKER_01: One of the things that happens when you're so in the romantic phase is that you become so entwined that you kind of forget you're different folk.
SPEAKER_01: And what that leads to, as that phase goes down, is the new phase, which they say is very natural.
SPEAKER_01: In fact, they say every couple has to do this.
SPEAKER_01: It's called the power struggle.
SPEAKER_01: The power struggle is when you realize uh why are they not doing what I would do?
SPEAKER_01: I have this need and want that they are not meeting, and they should know that.
SPEAKER_01: Are they doing that on purpose?
SPEAKER_01: They must be.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, this sort of becomes the power struggle, is when you look to the other person to meet your needs in the way you want, and there's a fundamental expectation.
SPEAKER_01: And so the phase that they talk about is this power struggle happens, and the way out of the power struggle is differentiation.
SPEAKER_01: It's the reminder that he is not I, and she is not I, and I am not her.
SPEAKER_01: Actually, we have very different personalities and gifts and thought processes, and we forgot that in the romantic phase because we were so swept up in each other.
SPEAKER_01: The power struggle comes with, once again, why aren't you doing what I wanted you to do?
SPEAKER_01: So I'm a house cleaner and you've cluttered.
SPEAKER_01: What on earth are you doing that for?
SPEAKER_01: When you heal from the power struggle, and the way to heal is really by differentiating and not only being different people, but being curious about your differences, uh, that's when you can go on to healing and um more equanimity in a relationship.
SPEAKER_01: That's what they say.
SPEAKER_01: I know this is really broad brush, and by the way, always you can say, skip on to the part that's interesting or helpful.
SPEAKER_01: So here's the next part.
SPEAKER_01: Uh and you may think this is odd, but that's okay.
SPEAKER_01: I want to give you one of their fundamental uh bases.
SPEAKER_01: So I just gave you this the phases, and there's a few more after that, after differentiation, but that's really what they they aim at.
SPEAKER_01: One of the things that they suggest is that uh we are as children, some of us, there's there's what's called good enough development, and then there's what most of us got.
SPEAKER_01: Now, you may have had a wonderful childhood in which you felt very attached to your parents and your brothers and sisters.
SPEAKER_01: You were able to have positive, reliable attachments with other people, but part of what they suggest is we all had parts of our childhood that were a little bit graded.
SPEAKER_01: So, to tell you psychologically the differentiation, there's your authentic self.
SPEAKER_01: There's who you are, by God to be.
SPEAKER_01: All of us have different gifts, all of us have different graces and inclinations.
SPEAKER_01: And then there's your adaptive self.
SPEAKER_01: So we adapt children for the sake of their safety and to function in society.
SPEAKER_01: So a child might very authentically run across the road without looking.
SPEAKER_01: We need to adapt them to not do that so that they're safe.
SPEAKER_01: Some adaptations are very helpful for their safety, and some, frankly, we pass on because our parents or grandparents or teachers or uncles gave us adaptations to meet their own.
SPEAKER_01: Consider this for a second, and and I and I'll I'll go ahead and be a little revealing that I have a daughter who's very, very happy uh to be around the home in her underwear, even though she's six and a half.
SPEAKER_01: I just said even though.
SPEAKER_01: That's because I wasn't allowed to do that.
SPEAKER_01: It's really important to me that my daughter feels very comfortable with her body.
SPEAKER_01: Particularly because I didn't feel comfortable with mine.
SPEAKER_01: Now, you know, privacy is a really important adaptation.
SPEAKER_01: It's really critical to know when it's our right to be shirtless as a man or a woman or pantless or underwearless, right?
SPEAKER_01: I mean, these are really important things we want to adapt our kids to.
SPEAKER_01: We kind of all get those rules.
SPEAKER_01: The question is not the rules themselves, it might be how we were given the rules.
SPEAKER_01: So, if, for example, you were running around the house naked at the age of three, and you were given, how dare you! That's awful! You probably got the skill, but the way you got the skill probably colors how you feel about your body, about nakedness, and how you should help others adapt.
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01: At a very basic level, right?
SPEAKER_01: There's other adaptations you might have got that aren't don't seem that even important, like how you would dress um uncles and aunts, or how it is that you hold your silverware, or how you uh were taught, were you taught by punishment or reward?
SPEAKER_01: You all get what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01: Uh adaptations are necessary, but often there's a coloring that happens to them that can lead us with certain ill effects.
SPEAKER_01: How we feel about ourselves, what it means to be in relationship with each other.
SPEAKER_01: If you've seen this show, and I don't recommend it to you really, because everything in its negative, if you want to see ill adaptation, watch a game of thrones.
SPEAKER_01: There's not really a single person in that show that has healthy adaptations.
SPEAKER_01: In fact, if they do, they die.
SPEAKER_01: That's sort of the rule of the show.
SPEAKER_01: If you're compassionate or kind, you die.
SPEAKER_01: Now that's a way of being in the world.
SPEAKER_01: Uh it's really going to make relationships difficult.
SPEAKER_01: So what they say, where they start, is that we've got our authentic selves, we've got our adapted selves, and part of our adapted art adaptations actually include wounds.
SPEAKER_01: Your body is not good.
SPEAKER_01: Do not show it, right?
SPEAKER_01: This is blank, you are blank.
SPEAKER_01: We get these sort of messages alongside the adaptations.
SPEAKER_01: And what they assume, this is really interesting, is that when we pick a mate, and we did, we picked, we subconsciously have chosen somebody who reintroduces our childhood in a couple of different ways.
SPEAKER_01: Perhaps they have complementary traits to our parents.
SPEAKER_01: So they offer what we didn't get.
SPEAKER_01: But they also have traits that our parents expressed.
SPEAKER_01: They may not be the same, but they resonate.
SPEAKER_01: The reason they say we do this is because what we're actually looking to do is go back to that childhood stage, re-experience that, and heal it.
SPEAKER_01: So one of the things they say is in our relationship, one of the biggest things that creates a power struggle is intimacy, because it triggers that thing, or those things, or those adaptations that were honestly traumatic for us as kids.
SPEAKER_01: And when those things are triggered, what we want in our spouse is not to move on, we we want to heal those parts of ourselves.
SPEAKER_01: This is gonna sound a little bit weird, and if I didn't get it quite right, I I'll try to do it a different way.
SPEAKER_01: So please you tell me if I if this is making sense.
SPEAKER_01: Again, hold on to this theory whether you buy it or not for me.
SPEAKER_01: Um part of then about coupling allows us to go back to those parts of our authentic self that were maladapted and heal them.
SPEAKER_01: So, what's in it for me?
SPEAKER_01: My wife offers to help me heal.
SPEAKER_01: In her child is funny, but to heal the wounds in my authentic self.
SPEAKER_01: She offers that to me.
SPEAKER_01: Now, what's in it for her?
SPEAKER_01: By doing that, she gets to heal those parts of herself that needed healing as well, and it goes vice versa.
SPEAKER_01: Okay?
SPEAKER_01: So what's in it for Mike?
SPEAKER_01: Healing my inner child obviously makes me my authentic self.
SPEAKER_01: What's in it for Rebecca?
SPEAKER_01: By helping me do that, she's actually healing the parts of herself that are maladapted.
SPEAKER_01: What's in it for Rebecca?
SPEAKER_01: She heals her inner child.
SPEAKER_01: When I am a good partner back, when I give her the love she wants, it helps me heal the parts of my maladapted self.
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01: In healing your partner, you heal yourself.
SPEAKER_01: In being healed by your partner, you heal yourself.
SPEAKER_01: That's the fundamental premise.
SPEAKER_01: I just want to check on that and see.
SPEAKER_01: Now you might be thinking, hmm, I wonder how my partner is like my dad or my mom or my uncle.
SPEAKER_01: That may be hard, and I want to tell you there's this interesting thing.
SPEAKER_01: You may not even know it.
SPEAKER_01: You may not be able to identify.
SPEAKER_01: That's the interesting thing.
SPEAKER_01: If you could see really carefully what you needed to grow and how to do it, you'd probably already be doing it.
SPEAKER_01: You might know what you need to grow, but you may not know how.
SPEAKER_01: And the suggestion here it's by healing your partner that you heal yourself.
SPEAKER_01: That's the how.
SPEAKER_01: And that we need fundamentally a couple's relationship to do this.
SPEAKER_01: It may not be your spouse, it could be sort of your best friend, but there really can only be one, is sort of what they suggest at a time.
SPEAKER_01: Now I will tell you, the skills that they offer I think are really fantastic for being in the world.
SPEAKER_01: They're ones I really need.
SPEAKER_01: They're just they're basically communication skills.
SPEAKER_01: Because what they say, I've just given you the basic framework, is that one of the things that really helps us not only heal but be healed is fundamental communication like dialogue.
SPEAKER_01: It's in dialogue that we're able to share, but also to listen to someone different from ourselves, and thereby, in that differentiation, have appreciation for one another.
SPEAKER_01: So their fundamental way of helping heal and be healed is with dialogue.
SPEAKER_01: Now, a couple things to sort of say about this.
SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, our our our brain has a couple million years of evolution, if you buy that.
SPEAKER_01: I happen to, right?
SPEAKER_01: And and one of the things that I know about our brains is, and maybe you've heard this as well, is that our brain uh starts out, you know, there's this fist diagram Peter Siegel made really, really famous, where here's our brain stem, and then the smallest and first part of our brain to form is what's called that reptilian brain.
SPEAKER_01: It's about that big.
SPEAKER_01: So here's how big your brain is, roughly, if you put two of these together.
SPEAKER_01: All right, the first thing that grows is this little brain stem called the limbic system, and it's where honestly our instinct and our emotions end up coming from.
SPEAKER_01: Instinct first, emotion second, and you probably heard those instincts called the four F's, like fight, flight.
SPEAKER_01: There's actually kind of five.
SPEAKER_01: There's freeze, there's food, and there's reproduction.
SPEAKER_01: Those are the five F's, if that sort of makes sense to you.
SPEAKER_01: They come here.
SPEAKER_01: And these thoughts or instincts travel faster than any message in your brain, period.
SPEAKER_01: If you're a reptile, that's all you get.
SPEAKER_01: You're done.
SPEAKER_01: So this is why a mother lizard can just walk away from the babies because a little lizard is like a big lizard.
SPEAKER_01: They know everything a big lizard knows.
SPEAKER_01: That's all they've got.
SPEAKER_01: The mammal brain, you know, the neocortex grows over that.
SPEAKER_01: So think through just biologically that a mammal cares for its young.
SPEAKER_01: If a any mammal leaves its babies, they're going to die.
SPEAKER_01: Now the the length of care is much different.
SPEAKER_01: Human beings are are kind of at the top, right?
SPEAKER_01: I mean, it takes 10, 12 years, 24, so that you can sort of grow a kiddo, you know, to be sufficient in the world, right?
SPEAKER_01: Now that's that's a very different brain and way of being than the reptile brain.
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
SPEAKER_01: What's interesting about our brain, so they've we've grown this layer, is that this, the messages here travel something like 5,000 to 25,000 times faster than these messages.
SPEAKER_01: And curiously, when you meet a lion, you don't usually think, aha! Uh well, if I knew this trick, it would blink.
SPEAKER_01: Normally you think, run away, fight back, unlikely, or freeze.
SPEAKER_01: It might leave me alone or freeze, it will hurt less when it kills me.
SPEAKER_01: Those are instinctual responses.
SPEAKER_01: Uh hardwired.
SPEAKER_01: Curiously enough, if somebody says, I hate you, you're ugly, your brain does exactly the same thing it does when it meets a lion.
SPEAKER_01: And uh Dr.
SPEAKER_01: Siegel says you lose your mind.
SPEAKER_01: So all that mammalian stuff about being compassionate and making space for somebody goes like that, and you think with that.
SPEAKER_01: So I want you to consider, right, if you know anything about your brain, there's like four very basic chemicals in your brain: adrenaline, cortisol, serotonin, and dopamine.
SPEAKER_01: Adrenaline and cortisol are these guys here, really.
SPEAKER_01: Fight or flight, they wind you up, your armpits get sweaty, your mouth goes dry, just like you're getting ready to run a race or something.
SPEAKER_01: And then the connecting ones are dopamine and serotonin.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's really basic, right?
SPEAKER_01: Those are the mammal chemicals because they connect offspring and they connect couples.
SPEAKER_01: The the adrenaline and the cortisol, they do a lot for you, like they make you real mad.
SPEAKER_01: What do you think Facebook releases more than anything else?
SPEAKER_01: I'm serious.
SPEAKER_01: I don't think it's dopamine.
SPEAKER_01: I think it's cortisol and adrenaline.
SPEAKER_01: And I think that's why people look at it so much.
SPEAKER_01: Because those things wind you up.
SPEAKER_01: Would you rather be sad or angry?
SPEAKER_03: Angry.
SPEAKER_01: We're taught that, right?
SPEAKER_01: Because anger can be productive.
SPEAKER_01: So I think it's really helpful to think about that socially for a little bit.
SPEAKER_01: We really thrive on anger because it makes us feel empowered.
SPEAKER_01: And this is part of our power struggle, don't you see?
SPEAKER_01: Part of our power struggle.
SPEAKER_01: Even in couples.
SPEAKER_01: And sometimes, then, as a result, think about this if this is right, your partner does something to slight you, you can be hurt or you can be mad.
SPEAKER_01: And in general, right, it's really revealing to think about what you do with criticism.
SPEAKER_01: Do you let yourself get hurt or do you get mad?
SPEAKER_01: And that's why the dialogue becomes so, so important, is so that uh we can retrain our brains.
SPEAKER_01: You see, as a survival instinct, our brain is naturally predisposed to looking for lions, much more so than watering holes.
SPEAKER_01: Now, listen, watering holes are important.
SPEAKER_01: We need that stuff.
SPEAKER_01: But our brain is actually hardwired to look for negatives.
SPEAKER_01: Hardwired to look for negatives more than positives, and that's because the negatives travel way, way faster.
SPEAKER_01: A lot of people have done work in doing things like writing gratitude journals so that they can reflect.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, really the point of that is to help retrain your brain so that the links you make to this new part, the part that can think abstractly and raise offspring and be in couplehood, we want to train those pathways to travel as much as or faster than these ones.
SPEAKER_01: You can retrain your brain, but it takes a lot, a lot of work and repetition because biologically the way we've been formed is to look for threats and negatives.
SPEAKER_01: And this is an interesting thing.
SPEAKER_01: We often say that seeing is believing, but I would put back to you that believing is seeing.
SPEAKER_01: If we believe our spouse is spiteful, that is what we will see.
SPEAKER_01: If we believe the world is not a safe place, it's out to get us, we will see that.
SPEAKER_01: So part of the healing process actually is to try to move away from negative, bad threat and try to say, ah, different, and to move towards appreciation, even in just very little things.
SPEAKER_01: You know I like to talk, but I just want to pause and see if that sort of made sense.
SPEAKER_04: Or if there's questions that come out about crossed my mind while I go as you said, what do you let yourself do?
SPEAKER_04: And I think that's kind of quite consciously saying, Oh, wait, wait, I think that's I personally try to work on that.
SPEAKER_04: It's like something that's like, why are you swinging at other people crying that can't hear me?
SPEAKER_04: The other person is like, well, you're letting yourself get mad at or if the other person gets mad, those small things.
SPEAKER_00: So the idea of healing the other, is that where we help the other one train?
SPEAKER_00: So if we notice the other one being negative or angry.
SPEAKER_00: I mean, and I'm assuming that's what you get to get further along, but that's the idea, is that that healing is helping the other train on that.
SPEAKER_04: You have to also look at why am I getting trained?
SPEAKER_04: It's like wait a minute, why did I get angry at that?
SPEAKER_04: They don't even know they made me feel that way.
SPEAKER_04: Because it goes back to those people that we've already brained and you're not why am I feeling that way now?
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, shooting the gun out.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, actually what they and I and I want to offer to you, not today, but down the road, if you if you go through these exercises, ultimately what they try to get you to think about making a commitment to each other is zero negativity.
SPEAKER_01: How much is zero?
SPEAKER_01: It's none.
SPEAKER_01: Now, listen, I'm not I'm not there because I think it takes a it really takes a lot of time.
SPEAKER_01: And I want you to think through that.
SPEAKER_01: Zero negativity means uh it means no criticism like what a terrible dinner, what an awful way to treat my parents.
SPEAKER_01: You you you hear that?
SPEAKER_01: More insidiously, it actually means no sarcasm.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm just joking, like hell you are.
SPEAKER_01: It means none of that.
SPEAKER_01: It also means not saying, I want you to stop blank.
SPEAKER_01: I want you to stop smoking cigars.
SPEAKER_01: That's a negative.
SPEAKER_01: You must blank.
SPEAKER_01: That's a command.
SPEAKER_01: Instead, ultimately, where you end up, and I'll and I'll give you this not this week to practice if you want, but in behavior change requests.
SPEAKER_01: Not fiats, not commands.
SPEAKER_01: I would like blank behavior to change.
SPEAKER_01: And you don't even say, here's I would like you to put the toilet seat down every time.
SPEAKER_01: You might say that, but the other person has to agree to it.
SPEAKER_01: And if they don't, they don't.
SPEAKER_01: Well, then I never get what I want.
SPEAKER_01: Well, if you go through the process, you do, because when we stretch to give the other person what they'd like, we heal ourselves.
SPEAKER_01: This becomes a really important thing.
SPEAKER_01: And when we can move away from giving, again, ultimatums and saying, here are three ways you could change that behavior, and I would feel loved, our partner picks one, and they got the pick, which gives them agency and buy-in, and that becomes really, really important.
SPEAKER_01: I I'm gonna introduce that skill to you later, but one of the things, again, is because our brain is so into the negative, that negative bit, in any way, can create the experience of disconnection.
SPEAKER_01: A lot of times, and and I, you know, it was really helpful.
SPEAKER_01: I had a really good therapist who said this to me, and I and I think this is right.
SPEAKER_01: It's one of the general rules of therapy, whether it's relationship or any other kind, it's called the 90-10 rule.
SPEAKER_01: 90% of your emotional reaction is from something that happened formerly.
SPEAKER_01: About 10% is from right now.
SPEAKER_01: So if you've ever parented a kid and kid did something like threw trash on the floor, if it were the first time that happened, you'd be just fine.
SPEAKER_01: You know, really, you'd say, sweetie, we don't do that.
SPEAKER_01: Or, hey, listen, uh, yeah, but whatever you do, you give some coaching.
SPEAKER_01: But because that's been happening for five years and they haven't learned, you see, that's the 90-10 rule.
SPEAKER_01: And in relationships, it works like that too.
SPEAKER_01: So part of it is going back to the deep 90 spot, which is the child adaptation.
SPEAKER_01: But I don't mean like when you were 18, I mean when you were like five.
SPEAKER_01: You can say, I don't even remember that.
SPEAKER_01: You've got some memories, and that's sort of what you ended going back and doing.
SPEAKER_01: And again, that zero negativity becomes really important because even if you've been together for 50 years, you don't know everything about each other.
SPEAKER_01: And if you think you do, you're going to be in the power struggle some more.
SPEAKER_01: Because you're different people and you have different thoughts.
SPEAKER_01: And that's sort of the goal is to say, aha, like I'm discovering more about why I was attracted to you and our commitment to one another.
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so here's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_03: I should just have a kind of uh question.
SPEAKER_03: So she sparked something that you and I have discussed this dopamine connection and everything like that, how dopamine on the internet you kind of get it can kind of be addictive.
SPEAKER_03: Now, I know that adrenaline can be addictive.
SPEAKER_03: It is how about creosol?
SPEAKER_03: Cortisol, it's pretty it works similarly to to um so it can be an so you could be addicted to anger.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, uh like like those thrill-seeking junkies, what you know what happens, right, is it it it releases that think about a thrill like jumping out of an airplane.
SPEAKER_01: That's like seeking out a lion.
SPEAKER_01: Like you know that's a mortal threat.
SPEAKER_01: Now you've got a parachute, and by the way, I'm not criticizing that, but you know, if people who are seeking adrenaline, you keep jumping out of a plane, you either like that for what it is, or you start to realize it's not releasing the same adrenaline it used to.
SPEAKER_01: So how do you up the ante?
SPEAKER_01: If that's all it's about, well, you go base jumping.
SPEAKER_01: Because that's less safe.
SPEAKER_01: Do you do you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01: You go climbing without a rope, whatever it is.
SPEAKER_01: That's sort of I think that's the the the deal.
SPEAKER_01: And in some ways, right, hardcore drugs, some of them, release adrenaline, so you up the dosage.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, just in a in a really crass way, that's what you do.
SPEAKER_01: Um, I know folks who seek out arguments because they're adrenaline producing.
SPEAKER_01: Do you know people like that?
SPEAKER_01: Arguments, they seek out fights.
SPEAKER_01: Now, you know MMA people, that's adrenaline producing, they do that.
SPEAKER_01: But I know people who do that verbally, particularly when something bad happens, the way they mitigate that is by getting mad and getting even with somebody else because then they're living in the adrenaline brain.
SPEAKER_01: By the way, all that hurt didn't go away.
SPEAKER_01: You just it was a distraction, so you didn't have to feel it.
SPEAKER_01: Does that sort of make sense?
SPEAKER_01: So, one of the things that Imago does and suggests is that in order to help retrain your brain, we really should start with appreciation.
SPEAKER_01: How often?
SPEAKER_01: Well, as often as you can.
SPEAKER_01: Now, there's a couple of things that are helpful before I show you the appreciation dialogue.
SPEAKER_01: One of them is, I and and I think you've heard this research, there's two really helpful connecting things, no matter how you're feeling in the moment.
SPEAKER_01: One of them is breathing.
SPEAKER_01: So none of this, these dialogue skills work if you say, I really appreciate you brought donuts.
SPEAKER_01: Because your brain says, Lion, attack.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, do you?
SPEAKER_01: So one of the ways that it's really, really helpful is before even words are exchanged to put yourself in a space.
SPEAKER_01: Now, if you don't know this, they normally suggest doing somewhere like three to five of what's called tactical breathing, depending on who you listen to.
SPEAKER_01: This is the same way that a biathlete, you know, one of those skiers that shoots, if you just ski and pick up the gun, you're gonna miss.
SPEAKER_01: You have to train yourself to breathe so you can be steady.
SPEAKER_01: Even if you're like pistol shooting, your breath is really important to hitting the target.
SPEAKER_01: Is anybody a shooter?
SPEAKER_01: Breath control is really important.
SPEAKER_01: Yes?
SPEAKER_01: Imagine if your heart is beating at 140 beats a minute.
SPEAKER_01: So one of the ways you slow your heart down and center yourself is is with this tactical breathing.
SPEAKER_01: So if you've done yoga, you probably know this, right?
SPEAKER_01: It's a way about just being centered on your breath.
SPEAKER_01: So you begin, depending on who you read, but in general, I think the way you begin is by breathing in through your nose, and you don't just breathe in to fill your lungs, you try to fill the bottom of your belly and then your diaphragm, and then your lungs.
SPEAKER_01: So all of those things, and then you hold it when you're full for like two or three Mississippi's, and then you breathe out through your mouth initially.
SPEAKER_01: When it's all gone, you wait two or three Mississippi's until you repeat.
SPEAKER_01: Now, if you do yoga, you might start in your nose, out your mouth, and then after a couple, you might go in your nose and out your nose again.
SPEAKER_01: In a loud way.
SPEAKER_01: It's called lion's breath, interestingly enough.
SPEAKER_01: Whether the other person can hear it or not, there's something actually really interesting that this deep breathing puts you in your mammalian brain, not in your reptilian brain.
SPEAKER_01: You want to be there when you're getting ready to have a connection with somebody with whom you'd like to connect.
SPEAKER_01: So before you have any kind of dialogue or anything that's going to be important, they recommend you say, hey, that's so important.
SPEAKER_01: Can I take a couple of deep breaths with you?
SPEAKER_01: Mike, that's just silly.
SPEAKER_01: Well, it isn't.
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we're in the habit of thinking, I can handle it without doing that, and that's just foolishness because every research study there's ever been that's longitudinal and of the proper scope says it's helpful.
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we think we know better because we're adults.
SPEAKER_01: But this is a good adult thing.
SPEAKER_01: It's good adulting.
SPEAKER_01: Remember when you got a timeout as a kid?
SPEAKER_01: Did you ever get timeouts?
SPEAKER_01: You ever give timeouts?
SPEAKER_04: We're too old for that time.
SPEAKER_01: Well, we are and we're not.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, listen, I got spanked too, but I also got timeouts because you know, um, other adults couldn't always spank me, but they could give me timeouts, and sometimes my parents gave me one or the other.
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we use timeouts as a punishment.
SPEAKER_01: Like I'm gonna cut you off from stimulation to get even with you, when in fact, helping people get cut off from stimulation so that they can get back in their mammalian brain is actually really a helpful skill.
SPEAKER_01: Really good adulting says, I'm a little bit too upset to talk about that right now.
SPEAKER_01: I just need a moment.
SPEAKER_04: Isn't that part of the recommendation?
SPEAKER_04: That you know, if you really can't handle talking about it, just let's get back to it.
SPEAKER_04: Setting a point might not be.
SPEAKER_01: So much so that you don't say, we're gonna talk about this right now.
SPEAKER_01: If something's important, you say, I'd like to talk about something important.
SPEAKER_01: Is now a good time?
SPEAKER_01: No, it's not, but when I get home from work is.
SPEAKER_01: If you say that, when you get home from work, you'd better be ready.
SPEAKER_01: Does this does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01: But part of the deal is to be able to say, no, now is not a good time, or I need five minutes, and another part is we're gonna talk about this right now.
SPEAKER_01: When you say that, what you really mean is I'm going to give you a lecture right now.
SPEAKER_01: We are not going to talk about anything.
SPEAKER_01: I hope you realize this is true.
SPEAKER_01: This is actually really good parenting, too, because when I'm my worst parent, I say, we're going to do this now.
SPEAKER_01: And what I mean is, here's what you're going to do according to me.
SPEAKER_01: There is no talking.
SPEAKER_01: There's just listening or shaming or rubbing in.
SPEAKER_01: You get what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01: So you start with these breaths.
SPEAKER_01: And I actually recommend this is a really good thing to do, again, if you don't do anything else, before you even start eating your meal together, have some deep breaths.
SPEAKER_01: Because a lot of times it doesn't even matter how good the food is.
SPEAKER_01: The best meals depend on our mood, not what's on the table.
SPEAKER_01: The difference between a good meal and a great meal is the mood you are in.
SPEAKER_01: And even if you're just eating by yourself, if you start with a couple of deep breaths, you might actually taste your food.
SPEAKER_01: This is true.
SPEAKER_01: So you start with some breaths.
SPEAKER_01: Another thing you might start with or end with, or both, are a couple of forms of touch.
SPEAKER_01: Now, it's true that hugging releases dopamine and serotonin, but do you know how long you need to hug somebody for that to happen?
SPEAKER_01: Anybody?
SPEAKER_02: 20 seconds.
SPEAKER_01: Month and a half.
SPEAKER_01: 40 to 60.
SPEAKER_01: 40 to 60 seconds.
SPEAKER_01: And if you uh, I don't know if you need a timer, but you can.
SPEAKER_01: Set the timer and give each other the 60-second hug.
SPEAKER_01: Boy, it's going to feel really long if you're just used to the quickie and let go.
SPEAKER_01: A 60-second hug before or after, or both, doing any of these skills is deeply connecting.
SPEAKER_01: There's been some really interesting research about what holding hands does.
SPEAKER_01: One of the ways to overcome racial or ethnic stereotypes is to hold hands with the person you're prejudiced against.
SPEAKER_01: If you want to maximize it, you don't do it like this, you lace your fingers.
SPEAKER_01: Because there's more surface area.
SPEAKER_01: This is really like people study this.
SPEAKER_01: There's more surface area exposure.
SPEAKER_01: And if you can do that, hold each other's hands while you take these tactical breaths.
SPEAKER_01: Great way to start any kind of dialogue.
SPEAKER_01: Try it just once or try it for a week and see what it does to the dialogue you have.
SPEAKER_01: That's where you start.
SPEAKER_01: Now on the back of the sheet that I gave you is the first dialogue.
SPEAKER_01: And listen, when you do behavior requests, like I'd like to ask you to make this change for me, you start with an appreciation dialogue, not to butter somebody up, but to remind them that even though there's a change, you appreciate them.
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't go like this.
SPEAKER_01: You don't say, I really like your hair today.
SPEAKER_01: Now here's what I want you to change.
SPEAKER_01: You spend time on this because by spending time, you're you're introducing your partner not just what you like, but why you like it and what it does for you.
SPEAKER_01: Now, before you you've turned to it, and you're gonna see the receiver is gonna do something called mirror.
SPEAKER_01: Mirror is when we offer back what we've heard.
SPEAKER_01: Now, when I was in sixth grade, we learned this.
SPEAKER_01: What I hear you saying is blank.
SPEAKER_01: And I grew up in a house that was very, very suspicious of psychology, which probably explains a lot about my own dysfunctions and the wounds I have as a kid that I need to heal.
SPEAKER_01: Um, but what's really interesting is um mirroring is really our way to show that we were in fact paying attention.
SPEAKER_01: Mirroring does not mean I tell you what I think you were trying to communicate from the depths of your soul.
SPEAKER_01: Mirroring is when I say back what you said to me.
SPEAKER_01: So it goes something like this.
SPEAKER_01: My wife could say, I really appreciate how you cook dinner every night without asking for help.
SPEAKER_01: You really appreciate that I cook dinner every night without asking for help.
SPEAKER_01: Did I get that right?
SPEAKER_01: Well, you did.
SPEAKER_01: Is there anything else?
SPEAKER_01: Well, you do it and you try to come up with new recipes too.
SPEAKER_01: I cook and I try to come up with new recipes.
SPEAKER_01: You may say, Mike, that's just obnoxious, it's wasting time.
SPEAKER_01: Um, you don't always have to do it, but the truth is, if you're in the power struggle, it's really important to know that your partner is listening to what you have to say and not evaluating what you've said.
SPEAKER_01: One of the neat things about spiritual direction, if you were here for it when we did this, is that you listen to somebody share and then you talk about what that did for you without evaluating their experience.
SPEAKER_01: Now, I I'll share.
SPEAKER_01: I I I realize these skills came to me at a much better time.
SPEAKER_01: Because my wife would come home from swimming and I'd say, Did you have a good swim?
SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Stop evaluating my swim.
SPEAKER_01: And I thought, well, gee, that's picky.
SPEAKER_01: What am I supposed to ask?
SPEAKER_01: Well, what I could ask is, I'm interested to know about your time at the gym or in the pool.
SPEAKER_01: Is there anything you would care to share with me about that?
SPEAKER_01: What she heard was good.
SPEAKER_01: Is it good?
SPEAKER_01: Well, it was good.
SPEAKER_01: No, it was bad.
SPEAKER_01: And either way, it was an evaluation about her time instead of curiosity about how she spent it.
SPEAKER_01: And you may say, Mike, that's really, really annoying, but actually, I think it's quite helpful to think about the difference between mirroring and curiosity and evaluating.
SPEAKER_01: Good according to who?
SPEAKER_01: Me.
SPEAKER_01: I'm the one asking.
SPEAKER_01: What's good mean to me?
SPEAKER_01: I swam a marathon.
SPEAKER_01: Did you swim like I did?
SPEAKER_01: Do you get enough work?
SPEAKER_01: Do you understand what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01: Um, particularly in a moment where you're feeling like communication's not safe, and safety happens a lot of ways.
SPEAKER_01: It happens through criticism, it happens through evaluation, which is really a kind of criticism.
SPEAKER_01: Mirroring is a really helpful way, or so is just curiosity.
SPEAKER_01: And the smallest word changes actually make a really big difference.
SPEAKER_01: So the appreciation dialogue.
SPEAKER_01: Started with a couple of deep breaths, interlacing fingers or a hug, and then we take turns.
SPEAKER_01: You can say, I'd like to go first, and I'd like to give you an appreciation, or you can say, Listen, honey, can we try doing this the next week every night?
SPEAKER_01: And here's your script and here's mine.
SPEAKER_01: You'll notice on here there's no questions.
SPEAKER_01: Because particularly when you're in a power struggle, questions feel very leading.
SPEAKER_01: There are sentence stems.
SPEAKER_01: That may sound silly, but it actually has borne out to be very important.
SPEAKER_01: So the first person says, one thing I appreciate about you is that you cook dinner every night without asking for help.
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
SPEAKER_01: One thing you appreciate about me is that I cook dinner every night without being asked.
SPEAKER_01: Did I get that right?
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
SPEAKER_01: Is there more?
SPEAKER_01: Nope, you got it.
SPEAKER_01: What that means to me, this is the next pit, this is the next tenant stem.
SPEAKER_01: All right, what that means is you're respecting uh my work time.
SPEAKER_01: Or uh you're using your creative time to do this, or you're really showing me um that you're committed, what whatever it is you say, right?
SPEAKER_01: When and then you mirror that back, right?
SPEAKER_01: When you do that, I feel, or you can do both of these in one.
SPEAKER_01: You could say, and that really touches my heart because mirror that back.
SPEAKER_01: And how that's similar or different from what I experienced in childhood is.
SPEAKER_01: Now these are all short.
SPEAKER_01: I want to tell you, if you get into a soliloquy here, you've gone too far.
SPEAKER_01: You really want to think about one or two sentences when you do the appreciation dialogue.
SPEAKER_01: Short.
SPEAKER_01: There's ways you can walk back to childhood together.
SPEAKER_01: By the way, how many of you really know the panoply of your partner's childhood experiences?
SPEAKER_01: I don't mean like where they grew up and the name of their first grade teacher.
SPEAKER_01: May not even know that stuff.
SPEAKER_01: How many of you have spent time with your partner's childhood?
SPEAKER_01: Some of you have.
SPEAKER_06: Every day.
SPEAKER_01: Now remember, childhood, I'm not talking about their teen years.
SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about the most formative years, which is like eight and under.
SPEAKER_01: This isn't about fact sharing.
SPEAKER_01: It's about really, it's a way, you think about it, it's not like just giving a compliment like I like your hair.
SPEAKER_01: It's really trying to say, listen, here's what your way of being in the world does for me, touches my heart, and even touches how my heart was formed.
SPEAKER_01: So it's really a way, you think about it.
SPEAKER_01: Well, geez, if you're thanking somebody, you're really telling them about yourself.
SPEAKER_01: In some ways, you are.
SPEAKER_01: And you're telling them how it is as a couple that they are helping you grow and heal, and how that person is healing you.
SPEAKER_01: Does that kind of make sense?
SPEAKER_01: This doesn't mean you lay down on a sofa and someone's got their notebook in their glasses.
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean that.
SPEAKER_01: You do this eye to eye and face to face.
SPEAKER_01: How many times a day can you do it?
SPEAKER_01: The more the better.
SPEAKER_01: They could be really, really small things, but if you're able to think about how the small things your partner does touch your heart, that grows your appreciation of them.
SPEAKER_01: This, like I said, it's not a workshop, but it could be.
SPEAKER_01: Herb, you were going to say something.
SPEAKER_05: Uh expressing how it's somewhere different in your childhood.
SPEAKER_05: What is that designed to do?
SPEAKER_01: It's it's really designed, you again, so their premise is we've subconsciously selected our mate because they represent some part of our childhood that we're looking to heal.
SPEAKER_01: And so even if you took that off the table, it really is a way of knowing why that means so much to you.
SPEAKER_01: It's meant a lot to you for a long time.
SPEAKER_01: Like it's a core appreciation.
SPEAKER_01: It's not just a, oh, I like your hair color.
SPEAKER_01: It could be hair, but it it goes deep within me.
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't just touch my heart today, it really touches my deepest heart.
SPEAKER_01: If that makes sense.
SPEAKER_04: So that really shows me that I'm learning how much I miss that out of shock.
SPEAKER_04: And just letting it happen.
SPEAKER_01: As a gift, do you hear that?
SPEAKER_01: That's just something your spouse gives you.
SPEAKER_01: It's a gift.
SPEAKER_01: Even if they don't have to think about it, it's a gift.
SPEAKER_01: You just heard a summary of an appreciation dialogue.
SPEAKER_01: Do you hear it?
SPEAKER_01: One thing I appreciate about you is that you're open to me hugging you without an appointment.
SPEAKER_01: It sounds silly, like, oh, that's a given.
SPEAKER_01: Is that a given in all your relationships?
SPEAKER_01: What that means to me is this ability to connect with you.
SPEAKER_01: How that's similar to what I experienced in childhood.
SPEAKER_01: Well, it isn't similar.
SPEAKER_01: My parents didn't give me that openness.
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
SPEAKER_01: You're welcome.
SPEAKER_01: That's it.
SPEAKER_01: That's the whole dialogue.
SPEAKER_01: Really short.
SPEAKER_01: Then you might take some deep breaths and give a minute hug.
SPEAKER_01: Or Greg might say, you know, I'd like to give an appreciation to you.
SPEAKER_01: You don't have to always make it mutual, but it is nice if you do, because then it's connecting.
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01: What I like about these skills is that they're like really easy.
SPEAKER_01: They're really easy.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, this is easy.
SPEAKER_01: You don't have to think of something you're going to write a saga about to do this.
SPEAKER_01: You just do it.
SPEAKER_01: It can be really small, and it you drill down to what it means to you and what it's meant to you.
SPEAKER_01: You might even say, I don't actually know how that's similar to what I experienced in childhood.
SPEAKER_01: I'll think about that some more, but it just it touches my heart because.
SPEAKER_01: If you don't know the answer, you don't.
SPEAKER_01: You can still appreciate something.
SPEAKER_01: I want to give you another one, also, in case you really are a glutton for homework.
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you're gluttons for homework.
SPEAKER_01: By the way, you can say to me afterward or in an email, this is not a good use of my time.
SPEAKER_01: I would be grateful to hear it.
SPEAKER_01: But if you do this, I would be grateful to hear how your week or your moment goes.
SPEAKER_01: I'd be grateful to hear if this is connecting for you.
SPEAKER_01: I would be very surprised if it isn't.
SPEAKER_01: I'd like you to know that these are skills that Imago therapists do, and the reason you go to a therapist is because you're not doing it at home.
SPEAKER_01: So you need to go to a different place for someone to help you do this skill.
SPEAKER_01: And this is true.
SPEAKER_01: You you go somewhere to have a different experience than you're having at home.
SPEAKER_01: Now there's times I've wanted or felt like I needed that, but if you're both on board to do this, you can just do it.
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01: Now, if the way you blow it, right, if somebody does this and you're like, well, you shouldn't have I mean you just shouldn't appreciate that, or that's just that's just a thing, you know, or God, I thought you were gonna come up with something good.
SPEAKER_01: These are ways that you need therapy.
SPEAKER_01: Okay, right?
SPEAKER_01: You you need a therapist to make sure you don't say those things because they really will spoil the whole bit.
SPEAKER_01: Does that does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01: Interrupting somebody in an appreciation dialogue is a way to ruin it.
SPEAKER_01: But holding somebody captive because a two to three sentence answer has turned into two or three paragraphs is a way to ruin doing this.
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01: So if that is a danger for you, you may want to plan ahead and not just in the moment concoct this.
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01: Two to three sentences, because if we go long, we're gonna lose what they appre what we really appreciate.
SPEAKER_01: There's other ways we can do that.
SPEAKER_01: This isn't that way.
SPEAKER_01: Short.
SPEAKER_01: There's another way to do it, and and I'll tell you, this was really a good thing for me.
SPEAKER_01: This comes right out of the book.
SPEAKER_01: I Xeroxed it.
SPEAKER_01: I didn't have to have copyright permission because it's fewer than um whatever, 25% of the book.
SPEAKER_01: This is exercise 13.
SPEAKER_01: It's on page 270.
SPEAKER_01: It's called positive flooding.
SPEAKER_01: You may say, why aren't we doing the first thing?
SPEAKER_01: Uh well, it it all depends.
SPEAKER_01: This is a positive way to be positive.
SPEAKER_01: So you've got these regular appreciations, and but one thing you might consider doing for a special day, and I definitely would make an appointment for this, and I don't think I would do it.
SPEAKER_01: Um have one of you do it and then the other person do it.
SPEAKER_01: I just think you get your flooding day.
SPEAKER_01: Really, the goal is, and it tells you the directions, it's really simple.
SPEAKER_01: You get ready on a piece of paper, you don't just think this up in the moment, and you are going to positively flood the other person with what you love about them and how they touch your heart.
SPEAKER_01: And you're going to do it in three different ways.
SPEAKER_01: You're going to talk about their physical traits.
SPEAKER_01: Like, I love your hair because blank.
SPEAKER_01: It's just a one sentence.
SPEAKER_01: It's not a whole dialogue on each thing.
SPEAKER_01: You're just going to be sending it the whole time.
SPEAKER_01: If you're positively flooding, you're the sender, the other person's the receiver.
SPEAKER_01: And you start from head to toe.
SPEAKER_01: I love your hair because blank.
SPEAKER_01: What I love about your nose, your eyes do this.
SPEAKER_01: Those lines in your face do this for me.
SPEAKER_01: You know, you get what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01: It's it's if you don't have anything nice to say about a trait, you don't cover it.
SPEAKER_01: But you go from head to toe.
SPEAKER_01: You see, you go from head to toe, and then the next thing you do is you talk about character traits, like your, you know, your humor, even when this happens, or you know, the way you look at a you the way you do crossword puzzles.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, whatever it is, you go down character traits, and then you do behaviors.
SPEAKER_01: Behaviors are like uh, again, things that you things that you end up that you observe the other person does.
SPEAKER_01: Like when someone comes to the door, you always invite them in and find a place for their purse.
SPEAKER_01: Or you understand it's a behavior, not a character trait.
SPEAKER_01: Those are different things.
SPEAKER_01: They can cross over.
SPEAKER_01: Uh but essentially what you do is you just flood the person with those.
SPEAKER_01: Now, I'll tell you, my wife just turned 40, and so um I came up with 41 of these, and want to grow one.
SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't do this every week, and uh you'll notice in here if it tells you one person sits in a chair, and you sort of kind of you can walk around them while you do this so they know you're paying attention.
SPEAKER_01: You could also get increasingly excited while you do this, that would have spoiled it for her.
SPEAKER_01: I know that about her.
SPEAKER_01: I actually asked that about her, and so she said, no, that that I would not appreciate that.
SPEAKER_01: So I wrote them so that she has time to read them and return to them.
SPEAKER_01: And after, so if you get through this at the bottom, there's a stock phrase like, you're the most wonderful person in the world, and I'm so lucky to be married to you.
SPEAKER_01: If you don't know what to say, just say that.
SPEAKER_01: That's what that's what's great, is that's why there's great scripts because they work.
SPEAKER_01: Not like in a trickery way, but they help you express what it is to be positively flooded.
SPEAKER_01: So it helps somebody experience that.
SPEAKER_01: So that's what you get to do.
SPEAKER_01: Now, there's a couple other ways you you you can do this, but I commend that as a really great exercise.
SPEAKER_01: For me, sometimes I don't realize how much it will touch my partner's heart to give affirmations or to positively flood.
SPEAKER_01: I actually have been very surprised at how much that affirmation touches her heart, which of course I want to do.
SPEAKER_02: Mike, that touching of the heart, is that the authentic self that you mentioned earlier?
SPEAKER_02: I think so.
SPEAKER_02: That's the authentic self.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think so.
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
SPEAKER_01: Uh any questions?
SPEAKER_01: I didn't expect you to positively flood this week.
SPEAKER_01: Um, but it's a pretty cool uh Easter moment to positively flood your spouse or partner.
SPEAKER_01: And it's also a really good practice to do these appreciation dialogues.
SPEAKER_01: So if you do that, I'd like to hear from you.
SPEAKER_01: And next week I'll have some other ones for you if you're interested.
SPEAKER_01: And if you say, Mike, this is a waste of our time, let's please do something else.
SPEAKER_01: Be grateful to hear that too.
SPEAKER_01: Thanks for being here today.