WEBVTT 00:00:01.520 --> 00:00:03.040 Well, good morning, welcome all. 00:00:03.200 --> 00:00:04.799 Um, can you hear me okay? 00:00:05.759 --> 00:00:13.839 This is maybe a little bit odd of a thing, but I I personally have found it very helpful and it occurred to me um you might as well. 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:19.199 So if you do or don't, I'd be grateful to hear how this goes for you. 00:00:19.359 --> 00:00:23.920 Uh let me tell you first a little bit more about what I want to tell you about. 00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:28.879 And Linda's been so good as to bring this book, which has sold a ton of copies. 00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:33.840 It's called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendricks and his wife. 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:36.240 Um it's really interesting. 00:00:36.320 --> 00:00:43.840 Uh they this thing I want to present to you called Imago Relationship Therapy is international. 00:00:43.920 --> 00:00:52.719 In fact, one of my trainers is South African, and he's a trainer who does this either by commuting or uh does it by video conference. 00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:59.039 Um, even though it's international, Houston is one of the international centers. 00:00:59.200 --> 00:01:10.239 So if you find this interesting at all, there is a couples workshop for new, old, medium couples you can do in in Houston regularly. 00:01:10.400 --> 00:01:12.799 Uh the getting the love you want. 00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:19.040 If you if you Google that and look for workshops, you have the opportunity to do this downtown. 00:01:19.200 --> 00:01:30.719 It's usually two and a it's like like a Friday evening, a Saturday, and a Sunday morning, and I'll give you your church pass if you do this, uh, because it really is interesting. 00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:41.439 It's not a newlyweds thing, it's it's really exercises you can do as a couple at any point in your marriage to strengthen your relationship. 00:01:41.599 --> 00:01:45.599 And um, again, that's Imago relation therapy, is what they developed. 00:01:45.760 --> 00:01:46.000 Dr. 00:01:46.079 --> 00:01:50.560 Hendricks actually was a teacher at the Perkins School of Theology at SMU. 00:01:50.640 --> 00:01:55.519 So I'm not, he grew up Baptist, and then he was this professor of pastoral care. 00:01:55.680 --> 00:02:00.239 And interestingly enough, um, his first marriage didn't work out. 00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:04.879 And he married a woman named Helen whose first marriage didn't work out. 00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:13.199 And while they met, he sort of tried to develop why is it that that happened and what could be done differently. 00:02:13.360 --> 00:02:28.080 And one of the things that's really interesting about this book and what I want to offer to you is that a lot of marital counseling therapy works like this. 00:02:28.319 --> 00:02:30.319 The relationship is the variable. 00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:44.159 So what happens if you're having marital issues, a lot of counselors will say, Well, you go to individual therapy and see what's going on, and when you fix yourselves, the relationship may or may not work, and you'll make that choice. 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:46.719 So the relationship's the variable. 00:02:47.039 --> 00:02:50.080 The Imago approach is really quite different. 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:52.879 It says the relationship is the given. 00:02:53.280 --> 00:03:04.159 The relationship is the thing to hold on to, and the relationship, interestingly enough, is the thing that offers to heal you individually. 00:03:04.479 --> 00:03:12.800 Now I want you to know some of what I'm going to tell you, you might say, that sounds like pop psychology and kind of crack potty. 00:03:13.360 --> 00:03:15.840 Um fair enough and fine. 00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:20.319 Take a deep breath though, because it's really a really interesting way to go. 00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:26.719 Okay, so what I want to do is give you, I've got several handouts, some of which may or may not be helpful. 00:03:26.879 --> 00:03:30.319 And I didn't expect you to like read them now. 00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:49.280 Um, but here's sort of an introduction to Imago therapy in about three pages, and then there's an exercise I'm going to walk you through on the back that you can literally use with your significant other word for word. 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:52.000 That seems wooden, uh, and that's fine. 00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:54.080 I talk to you more about that in a second. 00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:55.840 All right, should we share for a couple? 00:03:56.159 --> 00:04:00.400 No, take take one each because what you'll want is to exercise on the back. 00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:01.360 I I I trust. 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:03.120 You'll want to have them. 00:04:03.439 --> 00:04:05.199 A little bit in my background here. 00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:06.719 I I'm not a therapist. 00:04:06.879 --> 00:04:08.000 I'm not licensed. 00:04:08.159 --> 00:04:09.680 I I had pastoral care. 00:04:09.759 --> 00:04:11.919 That was one class in seminary. 00:04:12.080 --> 00:04:14.159 Um, I do premarital counseling. 00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:18.240 I always tell my couples to please pick somebody else. 00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:21.759 They usually say, Oh, we want to be with you. 00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:23.680 I this is so odd to me. 00:04:23.759 --> 00:04:30.639 Uh, but so I do it, and that's actually why I took this so that I could learn more about how to do it. 00:04:30.879 --> 00:04:46.079 Um and I've learned uh uh I think that these skills have been really helpful in my own marriage because of course I've gone home and tried them out with my wife's consent, which has been great. 00:04:46.160 --> 00:04:48.639 I'm just gonna take the extras so that I've got one if that's okay. 00:04:49.120 --> 00:04:50.480 Yeah, I need another one. 00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:51.759 Thank you. 00:04:52.160 --> 00:04:54.800 And if you want any more of these, let me know. 00:04:54.879 --> 00:04:57.680 Uh the book Linda held up, Getting the Love You Want. 00:04:57.920 --> 00:05:02.480 You can buy that at uh on Amazon or Barnes and Noble, actually, because it's a bestseller. 00:05:02.800 --> 00:05:11.680 And ultimately, it has all of the little dialogue exercises in it that I'm going to introduce to you over the next couple of weeks. 00:05:11.839 --> 00:05:18.079 Now, I would tell you, this is not a workshop, so we're not gonna break into couples' groups and have you do stuff and come back. 00:05:18.319 --> 00:05:22.800 No couple is going to sit in the middle and we're all going to watch how they do this. 00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:33.839 To be honest with you, we could do that because um part of what the skill set asks is not to try to bite really hard bites. 00:05:34.000 --> 00:05:37.040 It it talks about taking easy ones. 00:05:37.519 --> 00:05:46.000 And those are the skills I want to give you today, or the exercises today, are a couple of the practices they recommend that are actually pretty easy. 00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:52.160 So the first thing I want to tell you, I've really been talking to uh Parishioner about this quite a bit. 00:05:52.319 --> 00:05:55.439 I I have a math degree, uh, which means nothing really. 00:05:55.600 --> 00:06:09.279 Um I don't really understand science, but the um scientific approach from this actually a lot of it comes from the study of quantum mechanics, and and I put this uh to you from the little bit I understand. 00:06:09.439 --> 00:06:13.279 Lila has helped me understand a little bit more, she's a real scientist. 00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:21.040 Um we often have these experiences where we where we feel disconnected from other people. 00:06:21.360 --> 00:06:28.000 Maybe they didn't say what we hoped we would say, or even they did something intentionally to hurt us. 00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:30.959 So we feel disconnection. 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:36.160 At the quantum level, though, there is no disconnection. 00:06:36.399 --> 00:06:48.560 Everything is fundamentally connected, which means there is an experience of disconnection, but there's not disconnection. 00:06:49.279 --> 00:06:51.600 Does that make sense what I'm saying? 00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:54.480 Um theologically, it's really interesting. 00:06:54.560 --> 00:07:01.519 I I by the way, I'm not endorsing this, but I I just I want to drill this down because I it I think it's a really important approach. 00:07:01.680 --> 00:07:15.199 Um I've read a number of theologians, um, feminist and otherwise, who have basically railed against a number of um things that have happened to them, particularly people who were abused. 00:07:15.439 --> 00:07:26.639 And what's I don't want to say interesting, but holds up is that even in a moment of abuse, there's connection with the other person and with the universe. 00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:29.199 Uh that doesn't mean it's all okay. 00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:32.160 Not all connections are are equal, right? 00:07:32.319 --> 00:07:34.079 But there's a connection. 00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:53.120 So one of the things that starts out is that in uh relationships that are feeling um isolation and tension and stress, what they call the power struggle, you experience disconnection, however, the connection is there. 00:07:54.879 --> 00:07:59.040 And and how we engage with that is is sort of uh the deal. 00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:10.079 So they they emphasize a couple of different journeys, but what I want to say is um they they offer this sort of timeline of relationships, and I want to give you three stages. 00:08:10.160 --> 00:08:14.160 Um, the first stage of relationship is called romantic love. 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:16.639 Now, now you may know about romance. 00:08:16.879 --> 00:08:22.000 I remember when I had first met my spouse and we decided that this was going somewhere. 00:08:22.160 --> 00:08:33.039 We were walking into a um a grocery store one day in the middle of nowhere, we knew nobody, and this lady walked by us and she went, ah, young love. 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:37.360 And I was so intrigued by that comment. 00:08:37.519 --> 00:08:40.960 How on earth did she know or see that? 00:08:41.200 --> 00:08:44.879 Um maybe you've known or seen that. 00:08:45.039 --> 00:08:56.240 Uh my last parish had this couple, and uh the sort of the gossip that came to me is you can tell that they're uh still young love because they touch each other all the time. 00:08:57.440 --> 00:09:05.200 Um kind of what they say is that one of the interesting things about the romantic phase is A, that it's a phase. 00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:10.159 And part of what happens in that romantic, I don't mean romance, I mean the romantic phase. 00:09:10.320 --> 00:09:21.519 That's different from romance, is that a couple um has a lot of um chemicals that are going on, and one of the main things they have going on is something called symbiosis. 00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:27.440 That is, you think her thoughts are my thoughts, and my thoughts are his thoughts. 00:09:27.600 --> 00:09:35.600 One of the things that happens when you're so in the romantic phase is that you become so entwined that you kind of forget you're different folk. 00:09:37.039 --> 00:09:43.840 And what that leads to, as that phase goes down, is the new phase, which they say is very natural. 00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:46.320 In fact, they say every couple has to do this. 00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:48.240 It's called the power struggle. 00:09:48.480 --> 00:09:56.639 The power struggle is when you realize uh why are they not doing what I would do? 00:09:57.120 --> 00:10:02.799 I have this need and want that they are not meeting, and they should know that. 00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:05.519 Are they doing that on purpose? 00:10:05.679 --> 00:10:06.320 They must be. 00:10:06.399 --> 00:10:17.039 I mean, this sort of becomes the power struggle, is when you look to the other person to meet your needs in the way you want, and there's a fundamental expectation. 00:10:17.200 --> 00:10:26.559 And so the phase that they talk about is this power struggle happens, and the way out of the power struggle is differentiation. 00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:34.080 It's the reminder that he is not I, and she is not I, and I am not her. 00:10:34.240 --> 00:10:46.000 Actually, we have very different personalities and gifts and thought processes, and we forgot that in the romantic phase because we were so swept up in each other. 00:10:46.320 --> 00:10:53.440 The power struggle comes with, once again, why aren't you doing what I wanted you to do? 00:10:53.679 --> 00:10:56.240 So I'm a house cleaner and you've cluttered. 00:10:56.320 --> 00:10:58.480 What on earth are you doing that for? 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:19.519 When you heal from the power struggle, and the way to heal is really by differentiating and not only being different people, but being curious about your differences, uh, that's when you can go on to healing and um more equanimity in a relationship. 00:11:19.679 --> 00:11:20.799 That's what they say. 00:11:21.039 --> 00:11:27.919 I know this is really broad brush, and by the way, always you can say, skip on to the part that's interesting or helpful. 00:11:30.080 --> 00:11:31.840 So here's the next part. 00:11:32.720 --> 00:11:35.840 Uh and you may think this is odd, but that's okay. 00:11:35.919 --> 00:11:38.639 I want to give you one of their fundamental uh bases. 00:11:38.799 --> 00:11:45.360 So I just gave you this the phases, and there's a few more after that, after differentiation, but that's really what they they aim at. 00:11:46.240 --> 00:12:00.000 One of the things that they suggest is that uh we are as children, some of us, there's there's what's called good enough development, and then there's what most of us got. 00:12:00.320 --> 00:12:08.720 Now, you may have had a wonderful childhood in which you felt very attached to your parents and your brothers and sisters. 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:20.639 You were able to have positive, reliable attachments with other people, but part of what they suggest is we all had parts of our childhood that were a little bit graded. 00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:25.600 So, to tell you psychologically the differentiation, there's your authentic self. 00:12:25.840 --> 00:12:29.679 There's who you are, by God to be. 00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:36.240 All of us have different gifts, all of us have different graces and inclinations. 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:39.600 And then there's your adaptive self. 00:12:39.840 --> 00:12:45.679 So we adapt children for the sake of their safety and to function in society. 00:12:45.840 --> 00:12:50.320 So a child might very authentically run across the road without looking. 00:12:50.720 --> 00:12:54.879 We need to adapt them to not do that so that they're safe. 00:12:57.120 --> 00:13:11.519 Some adaptations are very helpful for their safety, and some, frankly, we pass on because our parents or grandparents or teachers or uncles gave us adaptations to meet their own. 00:13:12.559 --> 00:13:23.919 Consider this for a second, and and I and I'll I'll go ahead and be a little revealing that I have a daughter who's very, very happy uh to be around the home in her underwear, even though she's six and a half. 00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:25.840 I just said even though. 00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:28.720 That's because I wasn't allowed to do that. 00:13:30.080 --> 00:13:35.840 It's really important to me that my daughter feels very comfortable with her body. 00:13:37.759 --> 00:13:40.399 Particularly because I didn't feel comfortable with mine. 00:13:40.559 --> 00:13:44.720 Now, you know, privacy is a really important adaptation. 00:13:44.960 --> 00:13:53.360 It's really critical to know when it's our right to be shirtless as a man or a woman or pantless or underwearless, right? 00:13:53.440 --> 00:13:57.279 I mean, these are really important things we want to adapt our kids to. 00:13:57.440 --> 00:13:59.360 We kind of all get those rules. 00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:04.879 The question is not the rules themselves, it might be how we were given the rules. 00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:29.519 So, if, for example, you were running around the house naked at the age of three, and you were given, how dare you! That's awful! You probably got the skill, but the way you got the skill probably colors how you feel about your body, about nakedness, and how you should help others adapt. 00:14:29.600 --> 00:14:31.039 Does that make sense what I'm saying? 00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:34.320 At a very basic level, right? 00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:52.720 There's other adaptations you might have got that aren't don't seem that even important, like how you would dress um uncles and aunts, or how it is that you hold your silverware, or how you uh were taught, were you taught by punishment or reward? 00:14:53.039 --> 00:14:54.559 You all get what I'm saying. 00:14:54.720 --> 00:15:02.320 Uh adaptations are necessary, but often there's a coloring that happens to them that can lead us with certain ill effects. 00:15:02.480 --> 00:15:06.799 How we feel about ourselves, what it means to be in relationship with each other. 00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:15.039 If you've seen this show, and I don't recommend it to you really, because everything in its negative, if you want to see ill adaptation, watch a game of thrones. 00:15:15.200 --> 00:15:20.080 There's not really a single person in that show that has healthy adaptations. 00:15:21.600 --> 00:15:23.120 In fact, if they do, they die. 00:15:23.279 --> 00:15:24.879 That's sort of the rule of the show. 00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:27.440 If you're compassionate or kind, you die. 00:15:27.759 --> 00:15:30.559 Now that's a way of being in the world. 00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:34.480 Uh it's really going to make relationships difficult. 00:15:34.799 --> 00:15:46.159 So what they say, where they start, is that we've got our authentic selves, we've got our adapted selves, and part of our adapted art adaptations actually include wounds. 00:15:47.840 --> 00:15:49.600 Your body is not good. 00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:51.679 Do not show it, right? 00:15:52.399 --> 00:15:55.360 This is blank, you are blank. 00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:59.279 We get these sort of messages alongside the adaptations. 00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:16.879 And what they assume, this is really interesting, is that when we pick a mate, and we did, we picked, we subconsciously have chosen somebody who reintroduces our childhood in a couple of different ways. 00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:22.320 Perhaps they have complementary traits to our parents. 00:16:22.639 --> 00:16:25.200 So they offer what we didn't get. 00:16:26.799 --> 00:16:30.240 But they also have traits that our parents expressed. 00:16:31.120 --> 00:16:34.240 They may not be the same, but they resonate. 00:16:35.120 --> 00:16:49.360 The reason they say we do this is because what we're actually looking to do is go back to that childhood stage, re-experience that, and heal it. 00:16:51.600 --> 00:17:10.079 So one of the things they say is in our relationship, one of the biggest things that creates a power struggle is intimacy, because it triggers that thing, or those things, or those adaptations that were honestly traumatic for us as kids. 00:17:11.119 --> 00:17:22.400 And when those things are triggered, what we want in our spouse is not to move on, we we want to heal those parts of ourselves. 00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:28.640 This is gonna sound a little bit weird, and if I didn't get it quite right, I I'll try to do it a different way. 00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:31.680 So please you tell me if I if this is making sense. 00:17:31.839 --> 00:17:35.039 Again, hold on to this theory whether you buy it or not for me. 00:17:36.079 --> 00:17:50.880 Um part of then about coupling allows us to go back to those parts of our authentic self that were maladapted and heal them. 00:17:52.160 --> 00:17:54.559 So, what's in it for me? 00:17:55.359 --> 00:17:58.960 My wife offers to help me heal. 00:17:59.359 --> 00:18:04.400 In her child is funny, but to heal the wounds in my authentic self. 00:18:04.880 --> 00:18:06.480 She offers that to me. 00:18:06.640 --> 00:18:08.319 Now, what's in it for her? 00:18:09.440 --> 00:18:18.720 By doing that, she gets to heal those parts of herself that needed healing as well, and it goes vice versa. 00:18:18.960 --> 00:18:19.279 Okay? 00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:21.680 So what's in it for Mike? 00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:27.119 Healing my inner child obviously makes me my authentic self. 00:18:27.359 --> 00:18:29.200 What's in it for Rebecca? 00:18:29.519 --> 00:18:35.839 By helping me do that, she's actually healing the parts of herself that are maladapted. 00:18:36.799 --> 00:18:38.160 What's in it for Rebecca? 00:18:38.319 --> 00:18:39.599 She heals her inner child. 00:18:39.759 --> 00:18:51.119 When I am a good partner back, when I give her the love she wants, it helps me heal the parts of my maladapted self. 00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:52.160 Does that make sense? 00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:55.599 In healing your partner, you heal yourself. 00:18:56.559 --> 00:19:00.319 In being healed by your partner, you heal yourself. 00:19:04.319 --> 00:19:06.240 That's the fundamental premise. 00:19:10.799 --> 00:19:12.799 I just want to check on that and see. 00:19:12.880 --> 00:19:20.319 Now you might be thinking, hmm, I wonder how my partner is like my dad or my mom or my uncle. 00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:24.240 That may be hard, and I want to tell you there's this interesting thing. 00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:26.720 You may not even know it. 00:19:27.039 --> 00:19:29.359 You may not be able to identify. 00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:31.039 That's the interesting thing. 00:19:31.279 --> 00:19:39.119 If you could see really carefully what you needed to grow and how to do it, you'd probably already be doing it. 00:19:39.839 --> 00:19:44.240 You might know what you need to grow, but you may not know how. 00:19:44.799 --> 00:19:50.160 And the suggestion here it's by healing your partner that you heal yourself. 00:19:50.319 --> 00:19:51.440 That's the how. 00:19:51.839 --> 00:19:56.880 And that we need fundamentally a couple's relationship to do this. 00:19:59.599 --> 00:20:09.920 It may not be your spouse, it could be sort of your best friend, but there really can only be one, is sort of what they suggest at a time. 00:20:10.079 --> 00:20:15.759 Now I will tell you, the skills that they offer I think are really fantastic for being in the world. 00:20:16.240 --> 00:20:17.359 They're ones I really need. 00:20:17.440 --> 00:20:19.839 They're just they're basically communication skills. 00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:37.359 Because what they say, I've just given you the basic framework, is that one of the things that really helps us not only heal but be healed is fundamental communication like dialogue. 00:20:38.000 --> 00:20:50.880 It's in dialogue that we're able to share, but also to listen to someone different from ourselves, and thereby, in that differentiation, have appreciation for one another. 00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:57.359 So their fundamental way of helping heal and be healed is with dialogue. 00:20:57.599 --> 00:21:01.359 Now, a couple things to sort of say about this. 00:21:01.839 --> 00:21:10.480 Um, you know, our our our brain has a couple million years of evolution, if you buy that. 00:21:10.640 --> 00:21:11.920 I happen to, right? 00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:31.039 And and one of the things that I know about our brains is, and maybe you've heard this as well, is that our brain uh starts out, you know, there's this fist diagram Peter Siegel made really, really famous, where here's our brain stem, and then the smallest and first part of our brain to form is what's called that reptilian brain. 00:21:31.119 --> 00:21:31.839 It's about that big. 00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:36.319 So here's how big your brain is, roughly, if you put two of these together. 00:21:36.559 --> 00:21:45.599 All right, the first thing that grows is this little brain stem called the limbic system, and it's where honestly our instinct and our emotions end up coming from. 00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:54.480 Instinct first, emotion second, and you probably heard those instincts called the four F's, like fight, flight. 00:21:54.799 --> 00:21:56.319 There's actually kind of five. 00:21:56.480 --> 00:21:59.519 There's freeze, there's food, and there's reproduction. 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:02.960 Those are the five F's, if that sort of makes sense to you. 00:22:03.359 --> 00:22:04.480 They come here. 00:22:04.799 --> 00:22:12.000 And these thoughts or instincts travel faster than any message in your brain, period. 00:22:12.559 --> 00:22:14.559 If you're a reptile, that's all you get. 00:22:14.640 --> 00:22:15.279 You're done. 00:22:15.519 --> 00:22:23.519 So this is why a mother lizard can just walk away from the babies because a little lizard is like a big lizard. 00:22:23.599 --> 00:22:25.200 They know everything a big lizard knows. 00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:26.559 That's all they've got. 00:22:27.279 --> 00:22:35.279 The mammal brain, you know, the neocortex grows over that. 00:22:35.680 --> 00:22:41.279 So think through just biologically that a mammal cares for its young. 00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:45.519 If a any mammal leaves its babies, they're going to die. 00:22:45.920 --> 00:22:48.400 Now the the length of care is much different. 00:22:48.559 --> 00:22:51.759 Human beings are are kind of at the top, right? 00:22:51.839 --> 00:23:02.960 I mean, it takes 10, 12 years, 24, so that you can sort of grow a kiddo, you know, to be sufficient in the world, right? 00:23:03.359 --> 00:23:09.759 Now that's that's a very different brain and way of being than the reptile brain. 00:23:09.920 --> 00:23:10.240 Okay. 00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:24.319 What's interesting about our brain, so they've we've grown this layer, is that this, the messages here travel something like 5,000 to 25,000 times faster than these messages. 00:23:24.799 --> 00:23:34.880 And curiously, when you meet a lion, you don't usually think, aha! Uh well, if I knew this trick, it would blink. 00:23:35.039 --> 00:23:41.119 Normally you think, run away, fight back, unlikely, or freeze. 00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:46.160 It might leave me alone or freeze, it will hurt less when it kills me. 00:23:46.480 --> 00:23:48.880 Those are instinctual responses. 00:23:49.359 --> 00:23:50.720 Uh hardwired. 00:23:51.279 --> 00:24:02.160 Curiously enough, if somebody says, I hate you, you're ugly, your brain does exactly the same thing it does when it meets a lion. 00:24:02.400 --> 00:24:03.839 And uh Dr. 00:24:04.000 --> 00:24:06.640 Siegel says you lose your mind. 00:24:07.119 --> 00:24:15.920 So all that mammalian stuff about being compassionate and making space for somebody goes like that, and you think with that. 00:24:17.200 --> 00:24:26.559 So I want you to consider, right, if you know anything about your brain, there's like four very basic chemicals in your brain: adrenaline, cortisol, serotonin, and dopamine. 00:24:27.359 --> 00:24:30.799 Adrenaline and cortisol are these guys here, really. 00:24:31.519 --> 00:24:39.119 Fight or flight, they wind you up, your armpits get sweaty, your mouth goes dry, just like you're getting ready to run a race or something. 00:24:39.279 --> 00:24:43.279 And then the connecting ones are dopamine and serotonin. 00:24:43.359 --> 00:24:45.279 I mean, that's really basic, right? 00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:50.480 Those are the mammal chemicals because they connect offspring and they connect couples. 00:24:51.200 --> 00:24:56.319 The the adrenaline and the cortisol, they do a lot for you, like they make you real mad. 00:24:58.880 --> 00:25:02.480 What do you think Facebook releases more than anything else? 00:25:02.640 --> 00:25:04.000 I'm serious. 00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:06.640 I don't think it's dopamine. 00:25:07.839 --> 00:25:10.720 I think it's cortisol and adrenaline. 00:25:12.559 --> 00:25:15.359 And I think that's why people look at it so much. 00:25:15.839 --> 00:25:18.079 Because those things wind you up. 00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:21.920 Would you rather be sad or angry? 00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:25.839 Angry. 00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:28.079 We're taught that, right? 00:25:28.160 --> 00:25:30.799 Because anger can be productive. 00:25:32.240 --> 00:25:36.480 So I think it's really helpful to think about that socially for a little bit. 00:25:36.640 --> 00:25:43.119 We really thrive on anger because it makes us feel empowered. 00:25:43.920 --> 00:25:46.559 And this is part of our power struggle, don't you see? 00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:48.480 Part of our power struggle. 00:25:48.799 --> 00:25:50.400 Even in couples. 00:25:53.279 --> 00:26:03.119 And sometimes, then, as a result, think about this if this is right, your partner does something to slight you, you can be hurt or you can be mad. 00:26:05.119 --> 00:26:10.880 And in general, right, it's really revealing to think about what you do with criticism. 00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:14.400 Do you let yourself get hurt or do you get mad? 00:26:14.960 --> 00:26:23.279 And that's why the dialogue becomes so, so important, is so that uh we can retrain our brains. 00:26:23.440 --> 00:26:31.920 You see, as a survival instinct, our brain is naturally predisposed to looking for lions, much more so than watering holes. 00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:34.079 Now, listen, watering holes are important. 00:26:34.480 --> 00:26:35.599 We need that stuff. 00:26:35.759 --> 00:26:38.880 But our brain is actually hardwired to look for negatives. 00:26:39.119 --> 00:26:47.119 Hardwired to look for negatives more than positives, and that's because the negatives travel way, way faster. 00:26:49.039 --> 00:26:56.240 A lot of people have done work in doing things like writing gratitude journals so that they can reflect. 00:26:56.400 --> 00:27:13.119 I mean, really the point of that is to help retrain your brain so that the links you make to this new part, the part that can think abstractly and raise offspring and be in couplehood, we want to train those pathways to travel as much as or faster than these ones. 00:27:13.279 --> 00:27:23.039 You can retrain your brain, but it takes a lot, a lot of work and repetition because biologically the way we've been formed is to look for threats and negatives. 00:27:24.079 --> 00:27:26.400 And this is an interesting thing. 00:27:27.119 --> 00:27:33.519 We often say that seeing is believing, but I would put back to you that believing is seeing. 00:27:34.559 --> 00:27:39.039 If we believe our spouse is spiteful, that is what we will see. 00:27:40.079 --> 00:27:46.000 If we believe the world is not a safe place, it's out to get us, we will see that. 00:27:48.960 --> 00:28:05.920 So part of the healing process actually is to try to move away from negative, bad threat and try to say, ah, different, and to move towards appreciation, even in just very little things. 00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:12.720 You know I like to talk, but I just want to pause and see if that sort of made sense. 00:28:12.960 --> 00:28:22.640 Or if there's questions that come out about crossed my mind while I go as you said, what do you let yourself do? 00:28:22.799 --> 00:28:32.799 And I think that's kind of quite consciously saying, Oh, wait, wait, I think that's I personally try to work on that. 00:28:36.880 --> 00:28:43.359 It's like something that's like, why are you swinging at other people crying that can't hear me? 00:28:46.000 --> 00:28:54.400 The other person is like, well, you're letting yourself get mad at or if the other person gets mad, those small things. 00:29:01.440 --> 00:29:08.000 So the idea of healing the other, is that where we help the other one train? 00:29:08.400 --> 00:29:11.759 So if we notice the other one being negative or angry. 00:29:12.720 --> 00:29:20.720 I mean, and I'm assuming that's what you get to get further along, but that's the idea, is that that healing is helping the other train on that. 00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:26.319 You have to also look at why am I getting trained? 00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:31.680 It's like wait a minute, why did I get angry at that? 00:29:31.759 --> 00:29:34.079 They don't even know they made me feel that way. 00:29:34.319 --> 00:29:45.519 Because it goes back to those people that we've already brained and you're not why am I feeling that way now? 00:30:56.160 --> 00:30:57.279 Yeah, shooting the gun out. 00:30:57.599 --> 00:31:12.160 Yeah, actually what they and I and I want to offer to you, not today, but down the road, if you if you go through these exercises, ultimately what they try to get you to think about making a commitment to each other is zero negativity. 00:31:15.200 --> 00:31:16.480 How much is zero? 00:31:16.559 --> 00:31:17.759 It's none. 00:31:18.240 --> 00:31:24.720 Now, listen, I'm not I'm not there because I think it takes a it really takes a lot of time. 00:31:25.200 --> 00:31:26.799 And I want you to think through that. 00:31:27.039 --> 00:31:40.079 Zero negativity means uh it means no criticism like what a terrible dinner, what an awful way to treat my parents. 00:31:40.160 --> 00:31:41.680 You you you hear that? 00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:47.119 More insidiously, it actually means no sarcasm. 00:31:49.599 --> 00:31:52.160 Oh, I'm just joking, like hell you are. 00:31:53.920 --> 00:31:55.519 It means none of that. 00:31:56.319 --> 00:32:01.039 It also means not saying, I want you to stop blank. 00:32:02.319 --> 00:32:05.599 I want you to stop smoking cigars. 00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:07.359 That's a negative. 00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:11.599 You must blank. 00:32:11.839 --> 00:32:13.200 That's a command. 00:32:13.839 --> 00:32:22.400 Instead, ultimately, where you end up, and I'll and I'll give you this not this week to practice if you want, but in behavior change requests. 00:32:23.839 --> 00:32:26.960 Not fiats, not commands. 00:32:27.519 --> 00:32:32.079 I would like blank behavior to change. 00:32:34.319 --> 00:32:42.240 And you don't even say, here's I would like you to put the toilet seat down every time. 00:32:42.559 --> 00:32:46.160 You might say that, but the other person has to agree to it. 00:32:46.880 --> 00:32:49.119 And if they don't, they don't. 00:32:49.759 --> 00:32:51.920 Well, then I never get what I want. 00:32:52.480 --> 00:32:58.720 Well, if you go through the process, you do, because when we stretch to give the other person what they'd like, we heal ourselves. 00:32:58.880 --> 00:33:00.799 This becomes a really important thing. 00:33:01.039 --> 00:33:21.920 And when we can move away from giving, again, ultimatums and saying, here are three ways you could change that behavior, and I would feel loved, our partner picks one, and they got the pick, which gives them agency and buy-in, and that becomes really, really important. 00:33:22.799 --> 00:33:36.000 I I'm gonna introduce that skill to you later, but one of the things, again, is because our brain is so into the negative, that negative bit, in any way, can create the experience of disconnection. 00:33:36.720 --> 00:33:39.920 A lot of times, and and I, you know, it was really helpful. 00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:43.279 I had a really good therapist who said this to me, and I and I think this is right. 00:33:43.359 --> 00:33:48.720 It's one of the general rules of therapy, whether it's relationship or any other kind, it's called the 90-10 rule. 00:33:49.039 --> 00:33:54.240 90% of your emotional reaction is from something that happened formerly. 00:33:54.720 --> 00:33:57.119 About 10% is from right now. 00:33:58.240 --> 00:34:09.840 So if you've ever parented a kid and kid did something like threw trash on the floor, if it were the first time that happened, you'd be just fine. 00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:13.119 You know, really, you'd say, sweetie, we don't do that. 00:34:13.440 --> 00:34:17.360 Or, hey, listen, uh, yeah, but whatever you do, you give some coaching. 00:34:17.599 --> 00:34:23.519 But because that's been happening for five years and they haven't learned, you see, that's the 90-10 rule. 00:34:23.760 --> 00:34:27.679 And in relationships, it works like that too. 00:34:29.599 --> 00:34:35.920 So part of it is going back to the deep 90 spot, which is the child adaptation. 00:34:36.000 --> 00:34:39.679 But I don't mean like when you were 18, I mean when you were like five. 00:34:40.079 --> 00:34:41.760 You can say, I don't even remember that. 00:34:41.920 --> 00:34:47.599 You've got some memories, and that's sort of what you ended going back and doing. 00:34:47.679 --> 00:34:55.840 And again, that zero negativity becomes really important because even if you've been together for 50 years, you don't know everything about each other. 00:34:56.559 --> 00:35:01.039 And if you think you do, you're going to be in the power struggle some more. 00:35:01.840 --> 00:35:05.519 Because you're different people and you have different thoughts. 00:35:05.760 --> 00:35:14.559 And that's sort of the goal is to say, aha, like I'm discovering more about why I was attracted to you and our commitment to one another. 00:35:15.199 --> 00:35:16.960 Okay, so here's what I'm saying. 00:35:17.199 --> 00:35:19.280 I should just have a kind of uh question. 00:35:19.360 --> 00:35:30.719 So she sparked something that you and I have discussed this dopamine connection and everything like that, how dopamine on the internet you kind of get it can kind of be addictive. 00:35:30.880 --> 00:35:33.360 Now, I know that adrenaline can be addictive. 00:35:33.599 --> 00:35:35.280 It is how about creosol? 00:35:36.320 --> 00:35:42.800 Cortisol, it's pretty it works similarly to to um so it can be an so you could be addicted to anger. 00:35:43.199 --> 00:35:54.000 Yeah, you know, uh like like those thrill-seeking junkies, what you know what happens, right, is it it it releases that think about a thrill like jumping out of an airplane. 00:35:54.159 --> 00:35:56.239 That's like seeking out a lion. 00:35:56.400 --> 00:35:58.159 Like you know that's a mortal threat. 00:35:58.320 --> 00:36:14.480 Now you've got a parachute, and by the way, I'm not criticizing that, but you know, if people who are seeking adrenaline, you keep jumping out of a plane, you either like that for what it is, or you start to realize it's not releasing the same adrenaline it used to. 00:36:14.800 --> 00:36:16.719 So how do you up the ante? 00:36:17.119 --> 00:36:20.239 If that's all it's about, well, you go base jumping. 00:36:20.960 --> 00:36:23.440 Because that's less safe. 00:36:23.760 --> 00:36:25.679 Do you do you know what I'm saying? 00:36:26.320 --> 00:36:30.559 You go climbing without a rope, whatever it is. 00:36:31.519 --> 00:36:33.840 That's sort of I think that's the the the deal. 00:36:33.920 --> 00:36:40.559 And in some ways, right, hardcore drugs, some of them, release adrenaline, so you up the dosage. 00:36:40.880 --> 00:36:43.920 I mean, just in a in a really crass way, that's what you do. 00:36:44.159 --> 00:36:50.639 Um, I know folks who seek out arguments because they're adrenaline producing. 00:36:50.960 --> 00:36:52.639 Do you know people like that? 00:36:54.079 --> 00:36:56.719 Arguments, they seek out fights. 00:36:56.800 --> 00:37:00.800 Now, you know MMA people, that's adrenaline producing, they do that. 00:37:01.039 --> 00:37:14.960 But I know people who do that verbally, particularly when something bad happens, the way they mitigate that is by getting mad and getting even with somebody else because then they're living in the adrenaline brain. 00:37:15.119 --> 00:37:17.039 By the way, all that hurt didn't go away. 00:37:17.199 --> 00:37:19.920 You just it was a distraction, so you didn't have to feel it. 00:37:20.079 --> 00:37:21.840 Does that sort of make sense? 00:37:22.159 --> 00:37:30.880 So, one of the things that Imago does and suggests is that in order to help retrain your brain, we really should start with appreciation. 00:37:33.119 --> 00:37:34.000 How often? 00:37:34.159 --> 00:37:35.920 Well, as often as you can. 00:37:36.480 --> 00:37:41.679 Now, there's a couple of things that are helpful before I show you the appreciation dialogue. 00:37:42.559 --> 00:37:52.000 One of them is, I and and I think you've heard this research, there's two really helpful connecting things, no matter how you're feeling in the moment. 00:37:52.159 --> 00:37:53.519 One of them is breathing. 00:37:55.119 --> 00:38:01.920 So none of this, these dialogue skills work if you say, I really appreciate you brought donuts. 00:38:03.599 --> 00:38:07.360 Because your brain says, Lion, attack. 00:38:07.920 --> 00:38:09.039 Oh, do you? 00:38:10.320 --> 00:38:17.920 So one of the ways that it's really, really helpful is before even words are exchanged to put yourself in a space. 00:38:18.159 --> 00:38:26.239 Now, if you don't know this, they normally suggest doing somewhere like three to five of what's called tactical breathing, depending on who you listen to. 00:38:26.400 --> 00:38:33.519 This is the same way that a biathlete, you know, one of those skiers that shoots, if you just ski and pick up the gun, you're gonna miss. 00:38:33.840 --> 00:38:37.440 You have to train yourself to breathe so you can be steady. 00:38:37.679 --> 00:38:41.920 Even if you're like pistol shooting, your breath is really important to hitting the target. 00:38:42.159 --> 00:38:43.199 Is anybody a shooter? 00:38:44.800 --> 00:38:46.480 Breath control is really important. 00:38:46.719 --> 00:38:47.360 Yes? 00:38:49.679 --> 00:38:53.440 Imagine if your heart is beating at 140 beats a minute. 00:38:53.519 --> 00:38:58.960 So one of the ways you slow your heart down and center yourself is is with this tactical breathing. 00:38:59.119 --> 00:39:01.760 So if you've done yoga, you probably know this, right? 00:39:01.920 --> 00:39:04.559 It's a way about just being centered on your breath. 00:39:04.800 --> 00:39:22.239 So you begin, depending on who you read, but in general, I think the way you begin is by breathing in through your nose, and you don't just breathe in to fill your lungs, you try to fill the bottom of your belly and then your diaphragm, and then your lungs. 00:39:22.480 --> 00:39:36.239 So all of those things, and then you hold it when you're full for like two or three Mississippi's, and then you breathe out through your mouth initially. 00:39:41.119 --> 00:39:47.599 When it's all gone, you wait two or three Mississippi's until you repeat. 00:39:47.840 --> 00:39:57.199 Now, if you do yoga, you might start in your nose, out your mouth, and then after a couple, you might go in your nose and out your nose again. 00:39:58.239 --> 00:39:59.360 In a loud way. 00:39:59.519 --> 00:40:02.800 It's called lion's breath, interestingly enough. 00:40:05.039 --> 00:40:15.599 Whether the other person can hear it or not, there's something actually really interesting that this deep breathing puts you in your mammalian brain, not in your reptilian brain. 00:40:15.840 --> 00:40:21.840 You want to be there when you're getting ready to have a connection with somebody with whom you'd like to connect. 00:40:22.559 --> 00:40:31.920 So before you have any kind of dialogue or anything that's going to be important, they recommend you say, hey, that's so important. 00:40:33.039 --> 00:40:35.920 Can I take a couple of deep breaths with you? 00:40:38.079 --> 00:40:39.440 Mike, that's just silly. 00:40:39.599 --> 00:40:40.800 Well, it isn't. 00:40:41.119 --> 00:40:54.000 Sometimes we're in the habit of thinking, I can handle it without doing that, and that's just foolishness because every research study there's ever been that's longitudinal and of the proper scope says it's helpful. 00:40:54.960 --> 00:40:58.159 Sometimes we think we know better because we're adults. 00:40:58.880 --> 00:41:00.960