WEBVTT 00:00:00.880 --> 00:00:02.160 Well, good morning everybody. 00:00:02.319 --> 00:00:04.000 Thank you some of you for being back. 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:06.400 If you're here for the first time, thanks for being here. 00:00:06.559 --> 00:00:08.320 And that's actually where I want to start. 00:00:08.560 --> 00:00:14.000 Did anybody not receive the handout last week? 00:00:16.719 --> 00:00:22.239 For some reason the copier decided not to heed my instructions and put a staple in this. 00:00:22.399 --> 00:00:24.480 However, that's just fine. 00:00:25.519 --> 00:00:28.399 Maybe it will be easier to leaf through. 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:37.119 And you definitely want two of these if you're a couple. 00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:44.240 Unless you've got some way of making that happen concurrently, I don't know about. 00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:47.759 Even still, I think you want two. 00:00:48.159 --> 00:00:49.359 Wouldn't tell you anyway. 00:00:49.600 --> 00:00:50.399 You wouldn't. 00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:56.640 So we're a reminder, or uh, or for the first time you're here. 00:00:56.960 --> 00:00:57.439 Say that again. 00:00:57.679 --> 00:00:58.640 This is the one on the website. 00:00:58.880 --> 00:00:59.920 That's the one on the website. 00:01:01.520 --> 00:01:04.079 You can print more copies, or I've got them here. 00:01:04.159 --> 00:01:06.799 Uh always happy to share these with you. 00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:19.359 Uh the goal reminder is honestly, if you plan to have a service here, give it to me and I'll put it in the file. 00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:26.000 And then give another copy to who you think will be the executor of your wishes. 00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:35.120 And I mean you really can't distribute enough copies of this to make sure that people know you've got plans and what they are. 00:01:35.280 --> 00:01:53.680 So, for example, um, when people decide, and I just say it from our spot, if people decide to be in our columbarium and they've purchased a niche, you want to make sure your family knows that so that they're not like, well, we don't know what mom and dad wanted, we just bought a plot. 00:01:53.840 --> 00:02:03.599 Um, you you you just you want people to know what you've done so that it's accessible, and then they sort of know, oh, here's what we're gonna do. 00:02:03.840 --> 00:02:05.359 I think I mentioned this to you. 00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:08.159 Um, I'm the executor of my parents' will. 00:02:08.400 --> 00:02:15.199 I'm also the executor of my brother's will, even though I won't be doing anything with his assets. 00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:17.439 I I get to make sure they get followed. 00:02:17.520 --> 00:02:19.599 What a delightful responsibility. 00:02:19.840 --> 00:02:24.479 Um, both of them have very, very strong wishes. 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:28.240 So my parents want a particular burial and have a plot. 00:02:28.479 --> 00:02:41.199 My brother's Orthodox Jewish, and so that will be really something because he's got really strong funeral demands, they're not even wishes, about where and how all of that's done. 00:02:41.280 --> 00:02:44.080 Uh, and so I I am on hand. 00:02:44.159 --> 00:02:51.120 I've got the plan, and as I told you, I've got 24 hours to get him buried in the event something happens. 00:02:51.280 --> 00:03:01.759 So I keep that in my firebox, I keep my own in my firebox, and when I update it, it'll be in the file here, if that makes sense. 00:03:01.919 --> 00:03:04.240 So you can't you really can't overdo it. 00:03:04.719 --> 00:03:11.919 Um, I wanted to pick up and see if any of you during the week had thoughts or questions from what we didn't cover last week. 00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:14.240 It's always really great for the rest of the group. 00:03:14.400 --> 00:03:18.159 There's really not a bad question, even if you feel like we've covered it already. 00:03:18.319 --> 00:03:20.719 Sometimes it's really helpful to get our heads around it. 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:25.599 So uh to start out, were there any questions or follow-ups from last week? 00:03:30.080 --> 00:03:31.120 You did a good job. 00:03:32.479 --> 00:03:37.759 Well, in some ways, it's possible that you're thinking, what else is there to cover given what we did last week? 00:03:37.840 --> 00:03:41.520 And and again, I hope to make this a workshop for you. 00:03:41.759 --> 00:03:56.080 So again, we've talked about distributing this information, but there's a few other things that go into this beyond the service itself and where you'd like your remains or cremains to ultimately rest. 00:03:56.240 --> 00:04:04.159 So last week we were able to end with me telling you that it's really critical, and this guide includes a little bit. 00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:19.600 Now remember, this is not like an estate planning document, but it is really helpful for you to think about, in addition to your service, your estate planning that results, you know, that ultimately has something to do with the tale of your life. 00:04:19.759 --> 00:04:31.920 And I told you specifically that um Texas is a great state in that if you have an advanced medical directive and you get it charted, the hospital has to follow it. 00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:34.240 And so does your next of kin. 00:04:34.399 --> 00:04:46.240 In the state of Georgia, a long time ago, I I don't stay whether they've done it, you could fill out a medical directive, and as soon as you became incapacitated, your next of kin could do whatever they wanted with you. 00:04:47.439 --> 00:04:53.920 Um I don't want that to happen because I've got really strong opinions about my medical care. 00:04:54.319 --> 00:05:00.480 And I didn't want my spouse to have to wonder whether she made the right decision or not. 00:05:00.639 --> 00:05:04.399 I want her to make my decision, not her own. 00:05:04.800 --> 00:05:07.600 I I hope that makes sense what I'm saying. 00:05:08.240 --> 00:05:11.600 So sometimes we say, I don't want to be on a machine. 00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:13.680 That doesn't mean anything. 00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:17.839 Because when they put an IV in your arm, that's a machine. 00:05:18.079 --> 00:05:20.560 They will do that when you have a colonoscopy. 00:05:22.879 --> 00:05:24.399 You will be on a machine. 00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:27.199 And you do want that machine. 00:05:27.759 --> 00:05:29.839 You you you want anesthesia. 00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:30.639 That's a machine. 00:05:30.720 --> 00:05:31.519 You want that. 00:05:31.759 --> 00:05:35.920 So you you want to say, well, I just don't want to be on life support. 00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:38.000 Again, it's not helpful. 00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:45.920 You you want to put down as if you've got specific thoughts, you need to make them specific. 00:05:46.959 --> 00:05:53.120 This is not to be morbid, it's just so people don't have to guess what mama would have wanted. 00:05:53.360 --> 00:06:05.040 I don't know if you've had to do this for your own parents or somebody else, but one of the most excruciating things about having to make a call is well, I think mom would have wanted this, but I'm not sure. 00:06:05.439 --> 00:06:12.720 And you live in this limbo not just immediately, but you can live in that limbo for years about whether you honored your mother's wishes. 00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:24.160 So again, I told you in my own long-term life support has to have an 80% chance of getting a recovery, or I'm not to be attached to it. 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:27.920 Now you might be thinking, Mike, that's a really slim margin. 00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:30.720 It is, and that's what I want. 00:06:30.959 --> 00:06:34.639 And that's in my advanced medical directive, that language. 00:06:35.600 --> 00:06:39.439 Now, does any doctor know 80% no? 00:06:39.600 --> 00:06:49.600 And I will tell you, having been in a hospital, uh, and this is important to your planning, in general, what physicians want to do is keep you alive. 00:06:49.839 --> 00:06:51.600 That's their training. 00:06:53.279 --> 00:07:03.199 Um physicians are not in general predisposed to think about quality of life or your wishes or your definitions of quality. 00:07:03.360 --> 00:07:08.079 What they'd like to do is keep the blip going on the screen. 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:24.319 When I was a chaplain, one of the things that was really important for my work was to make sure if somebody did not want to be resuscitated to A, get it in the chart, because if it's not in the chart, they're not going to do it. 00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:26.639 Does this make sense what I'm saying? 00:07:26.959 --> 00:07:40.480 And to have a bracelet on your wrist that says DNR, but sometimes there's a code and the crash team comes in, and we as chaplains had to say, don't do that. 00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:49.120 Because the knee-jerk response for many hospitals is get the blip going again. 00:07:49.920 --> 00:07:50.879 I hope this is okay. 00:07:50.959 --> 00:07:54.720 What I'm now you may say, Mike, you didn't like that, and I hope it isn't. 00:07:54.879 --> 00:07:56.720 I just have seen it like that. 00:07:57.680 --> 00:08:00.959 Mike, what if you have a bracelet that says DNR? 00:08:01.600 --> 00:08:03.519 You go to the hospital, they're gonna take it off. 00:08:03.920 --> 00:08:11.279 Uh they might, but then you say, I think, if you're conscious, you say, Listen, I want the hospital equivalent of this. 00:08:11.439 --> 00:08:21.279 Now, it's not always a fail-safe, and this is one of those things you learn, whether it's your child in school or you're in a hospital, you need someone to advocate for you. 00:08:21.839 --> 00:08:32.799 I don't think it should be this way, but if you've had a loved one in the hospital in care, uh my experience is you've got to be their advocate. 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:39.840 As a priest, I've gone into people who have said, like, I'm in pain. 00:08:41.279 --> 00:08:44.559 And I've gone to the nursing station and said, This is not acceptable. 00:08:44.639 --> 00:08:47.679 You need to get in there right now, in the collar. 00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:51.919 Sometimes they don't listen to me, but you've got to try. 00:08:52.879 --> 00:08:55.679 I I hope it makes sense what I'm saying. 00:08:56.559 --> 00:08:58.879 That's where this becomes really, really important. 00:08:59.360 --> 00:09:04.320 I'm gonna tell you a few things I think that matter when you think about your loved ones. 00:09:04.399 --> 00:09:06.799 This may not have as much to do with you. 00:09:08.399 --> 00:09:16.879 In my experience, um, people have a little bit of control as to when they die. 00:09:17.840 --> 00:09:18.799 A little bit. 00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:29.279 Like I've seen people who should have been dead because they swallowed their breakfast in their lungs, and I gave them the last rites, and they died when I left the room. 00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:40.639 Uh coincidence, maybe that one story, but I've seen story after story where people wait to do something to die. 00:09:42.159 --> 00:09:45.679 My mother, for example, her dad had cancer of the liver. 00:09:45.919 --> 00:09:47.919 Of course, you know that gets everywhere, right? 00:09:48.000 --> 00:09:49.679 It wasn't just in the liver, it was everywhere. 00:09:49.840 --> 00:09:58.720 And she was in bed with him, and her own sense is that uh he wanted her there, but he didn't want to die in front of her. 00:09:59.039 --> 00:10:03.440 So he waited until she fell asleep, and then he died. 00:10:04.240 --> 00:10:09.039 It's not that he didn't want her in the bed, he didn't want to die in front of his daughter. 00:10:10.320 --> 00:10:11.840 Couple parishioners here. 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:19.039 I've seen it where when the grandson walks in the room from Seattle, person dies right then. 00:10:19.600 --> 00:10:23.600 They were waiting for their grandson or granddaughter. 00:10:23.759 --> 00:10:34.720 I've seen people, they want their kids here, and then when their kids go out to take, go to church or to have a meal, they die when the kids are gone because they want them, but they don't want to die in front of them. 00:10:34.799 --> 00:10:36.879 I I don't know if that makes sense. 00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:45.120 We can have a disagreement of opinion on that, but it's it's it's sort of helpful to just to think through. 00:10:45.279 --> 00:10:59.039 And you're thinking through uh what you'd like uh in terms of medical directives, is a step of doing that, which is giving yourself permission to die when it's time. 00:10:59.279 --> 00:11:08.320 Now, if you've ever been involved with hospice, one of the ministries of hospice is that you give each other permission for the dying person to die. 00:11:09.600 --> 00:11:11.840 Has anybody done this with hospice before? 00:11:12.480 --> 00:11:15.519 It should be intentionally phrased like that. 00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:17.519 I'm giving you permission to die. 00:11:17.679 --> 00:11:28.399 That may sound funny, but I've seen 54-year-old people beg their dad to stay there because they need them, and dad stays. 00:11:29.360 --> 00:11:31.600 It's clear it's painful. 00:11:32.720 --> 00:11:36.080 Uh and and this is part of the dying process. 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:39.200 Now, this side of it, how do you prep for it? 00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:43.679 I just I don't know the answer to that, except that plant in your head that happens. 00:11:44.080 --> 00:11:55.840 And and this thinking is really uh an opportunity for you not to have to hold on to manage this later because you can manage it now. 00:11:57.200 --> 00:11:58.240 Yes, ma'am. 00:12:08.000 --> 00:12:29.679 Yes, I'm gonna be able to do that. 00:12:30.080 --> 00:12:34.480 Me as a priest, I say I don't know. 00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:43.759 And honestly, I w saying it gently, I think you've got an opportunity to wish you were dead or to be alive right now. 00:12:45.279 --> 00:12:49.200 The truth is, most people are not afraid of death. 00:12:49.519 --> 00:12:51.600 This is maybe surprising to you. 00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:53.360 Most people aren't afraid of death. 00:12:53.600 --> 00:12:58.000 Most people are afraid of dying, not death. 00:13:00.399 --> 00:13:05.039 And I think the fear of dying can sure get in the way of us living. 00:13:05.919 --> 00:13:10.879 So gently, I would say, what could you live for today? 00:13:11.519 --> 00:13:14.480 Given that your life does not seem to be in your control. 00:13:14.639 --> 00:13:23.759 Now, I've had a parishioner once upon a time who uh told me that she was dying for about three years every day, and she wanted to die. 00:13:23.919 --> 00:13:30.240 And uh there came one day where I said, You are not ready to die, let's be honest. 00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:33.279 And she said, Damn, you're right. 00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:37.519 Well, that was a lovely moment. 00:13:37.600 --> 00:13:50.240 Now I wouldn't have said it the first time, but I'd gotten to know this person, and um, when it did come time, I think she was ready, but I'll tell you, similar, she was waiting for a grandchild to be born. 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:56.559 And when the grandchild was born, she wasn't ready because she wanted to have time with the baby. 00:13:57.600 --> 00:13:59.519 But she was holding on. 00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:13.279 Uh so I think the question is, okay, okay, I hear that you're ready, but while you're waiting, what could what could you live for today? 00:14:14.720 --> 00:14:15.600 Gently. 00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:19.440 I don't like being a chaplain in a hospital. 00:14:19.519 --> 00:14:20.480 I'm gonna say this. 00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:24.320 Because I had to visit patients who did not request a visit. 00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:33.200 And that is like my least favorite thing in life to do is to try to talk to somebody who doesn't ask to be talked to. 00:14:33.759 --> 00:14:44.720 Valuable things happen, but I love being your priest because even if you don't want me, I'm sort of your priest, and I can show up and there's at least a reason to be there. 00:14:47.440 --> 00:14:51.440 I I don't know if that little bit was just helpful that we did. 00:14:51.919 --> 00:15:03.360 But I hope it expands your your your thinking because you can't put this in the document, but it is helpful to be aware of what is it you think you need to live for. 00:15:03.679 --> 00:15:05.840 Do you need to live for those things? 00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:07.919 This is important in the dying process. 00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:10.240 I'm going to plant a store another story. 00:15:10.480 --> 00:15:16.159 This has to do with uh fundamentally uh the way I've been sort of pushed to pray. 00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:17.360 I I've mentioned it. 00:15:17.519 --> 00:15:21.360 I had a lady in uh Coronado who was a beautiful person. 00:15:21.519 --> 00:15:31.679 I mean, she arguably was one of those people who could really see the beauty in every person, regardless of how hard they made that. 00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:44.799 And her children, she'd raised them in church and they just weren't interested in raising their own children that way, so she was the link to her grandkids in church, and her faith meant a great deal. 00:15:44.960 --> 00:15:48.080 And she was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer. 00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:53.360 Now I'll tell you, my funeral plan says stage four, I'm not treating it. 00:15:53.600 --> 00:15:55.440 You make your own choice. 00:15:56.320 --> 00:15:59.679 Um, debatable. 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:08.159 Stage four ovarian cancer, if you know anything, is like stage four prostate cancer uh no uh pancreatic cancer. 00:16:08.399 --> 00:16:11.759 The name in the institution is it's the kiss of death. 00:16:13.759 --> 00:16:23.600 And I was praying for this lady one day, and I'll just tell you, I was praying God help her to figure out to just accept this and die peacefully. 00:16:24.080 --> 00:16:27.840 And I had this strange thing happen to me that rarely happens. 00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:34.320 This little voice from one side said, Why do you get to pick how she lives and how she dies? 00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:41.120 Well, I didn't acknowledge where that came from, but I went ahead and had a dialogue with that voice in my head. 00:16:41.279 --> 00:16:50.639 Because I've seen people die from the chemo, not the cancer, because the death of the chemo is way worse than the cancer, because you can't escape this and that. 00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:55.679 And again, this little voice came back and said, But why do you get to pick why she dies? 00:16:56.480 --> 00:16:58.320 And how and when. 00:17:00.159 --> 00:17:16.480 I decided that was the voice of God, and uh, what was happening in prayer was not me trying to get God to bring about my will, but for me to actually think, to think in God's presence about how to be present with another human being. 00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:19.279 So my prayer ultimately had to change to God. 00:17:19.440 --> 00:17:27.279 Help her to know where to put her energy and to have peace in putting her energy in either dying or fighting. 00:17:27.519 --> 00:17:31.920 But help her to have peace wherever she puts herself and to have some discernment. 00:17:32.079 --> 00:17:38.079 Now that may sound like a weak prayer, but it was all I could pray with integrity. 00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:45.920 Now that woman fought that cancer, and um boy, it was hard, and she got another year and a half of reasonably good quality life. 00:17:46.160 --> 00:17:48.319 And it came back and she died. 00:17:51.200 --> 00:18:10.400 But thinking through uh what kind of death and what she wanted to live for, and whether or not um that was achievable, uh those are all important parts when it's time for you, when you're presented with an opportunity to die or not. 00:18:10.559 --> 00:18:12.319 I just I want to put that out to you. 00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:14.319 You won't find that in the plan. 00:18:15.920 --> 00:18:19.519 Why I choose to hang on to life against all odds. 00:18:20.880 --> 00:18:23.039 Uh, but it's helpful to think about. 00:18:24.559 --> 00:18:33.759 Uh that might be really weird, and you're welcome to say, Mike, that's the dumbest thing you've ever heard, and uh you've ever said, and here's why I think you're wrong. 00:18:34.079 --> 00:18:37.680 This is not a lecture, it's really meant to be a workshop. 00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:43.279 So, what things are on here uh and and and and other thoughts. 00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:47.039 Um along the way, I've learned a couple of weird things. 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:51.519 There was a lady who um updated her funeral plan every day for three years. 00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:53.599 Uh, some of you know Nancy Weiss. 00:18:53.920 --> 00:18:58.480 And uh, I'll tell you when we got there, it I mean, it was exactly what she said. 00:18:58.880 --> 00:19:09.920 Um, the things she did that was brilliant that I thought on the outside would never work, is she wanted a reception at her funeral, but it was to be before the service. 00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:13.359 So we told people the funeral's at 10. 00:19:13.759 --> 00:19:20.720 And people came at 10 into the reception, and at 11 o'clock we started the service. 00:19:21.759 --> 00:19:28.799 This might seem really backward, but the interesting thing was for her family, they only had to visit for an hour. 00:19:29.039 --> 00:19:33.279 They did not have to be here for three hours waiting for people to leave. 00:19:33.599 --> 00:19:36.400 So people mingled and they told stories, nice to see you. 00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:43.440 They were all here, and then they went and had this formal service and they said goodbye together. 00:19:43.599 --> 00:19:49.519 Now, I'm not telling you pick your reception before your funeral, but I'm going to do that. 00:19:50.319 --> 00:19:54.079 Because I didn't want my wife waiting for people to leave. 00:19:55.359 --> 00:20:01.440 There's a lot of people that know me that don't know her, and I don't want her to have to take care of them. 00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:05.200 We do that differently according to who we know. 00:20:05.359 --> 00:20:07.599 But this is an interesting thing to think about. 00:20:07.759 --> 00:20:10.160 There's only the rules you make. 00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:16.160 There's not the rules of the church or the priest or what your parents or grandparents did. 00:20:16.319 --> 00:20:19.599 You really have an opportunity to say, this is what I want to do. 00:20:19.759 --> 00:20:27.279 Now, if you say, I don't want a service, please trust me and make a plan for a service. 00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:29.759 Even if you don't want it. 00:20:29.920 --> 00:20:32.000 Reminder, it isn't for you. 00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:34.880 The service is for everybody else. 00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:36.960 Do people need a service? 00:20:37.200 --> 00:20:37.839 Yes. 00:20:38.400 --> 00:20:40.240 I don't know if people will come. 00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:41.279 Let them choose. 00:20:41.440 --> 00:20:42.720 You make a service. 00:20:44.799 --> 00:20:45.759 Really important. 00:20:47.440 --> 00:20:52.640 You may feel like, uh, well, you don't want to bother, you want to weigh people down. 00:20:52.880 --> 00:20:54.000 Please let them choose that. 00:20:54.079 --> 00:20:59.519 And again, pretend you're going to have a service, and then the plan you want the one you want. 00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:00.799 And think about your folk. 00:21:01.039 --> 00:21:13.119 Like I say, um, I would do something different for my parents than I would for my wife, but I want to give an opportunity for my wife, but I also want to honor her and think about what she'd like. 00:21:13.519 --> 00:21:16.000 Does that make sense what I'm saying? 00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:21.519 If you're not sure what your adult children want, ask them. 00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:26.079 Listen, I'm planning my service now so that you'll know what to do. 00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:29.680 This is not to be morbid, it's just to be honest. 00:21:30.160 --> 00:21:31.759 Here's part of what I want. 00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:33.759 I want you to think about that. 00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:36.559 I want you to think about what you might need. 00:21:38.960 --> 00:21:43.759 What if what if you want to be cremated, but your your children object to that? 00:21:43.839 --> 00:21:44.480 They don't want to. 00:21:45.279 --> 00:21:53.839 If my children were not going to do my wishes, then in my will I would say the executor of my body is somebody who will cremate me. 00:21:55.359 --> 00:21:59.440 That may hurt your kids' feelings, but that's the only way to achieve what you would like. 00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:06.720 Because you won't be able to contest them burying you after your death. 00:22:07.839 --> 00:22:09.680 Does that make sense what I'm saying? 00:22:10.880 --> 00:22:19.200 An advanced medical directive is one thing about hospitals, but making sure you're cremated is much murkier legally. 00:22:19.519 --> 00:22:22.160 Because you who will be advocating for you? 00:22:22.319 --> 00:22:24.799 Your next of kin will be making the choice. 00:22:25.039 --> 00:22:29.920 And if they don't choose what you say, who's going to oppose them? 00:22:30.880 --> 00:22:33.039 My mother did not want to be cremated. 00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:37.039 She wanted the casket and that whole thing. 00:22:37.279 --> 00:22:39.680 And so my dad did that. 00:22:40.880 --> 00:22:42.240 And then he cremated. 00:22:42.960 --> 00:22:44.240 I've seen people do that. 00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:47.519 My own mother does not want to be cremated and I won't do it. 00:22:48.720 --> 00:22:53.519 Personally, I don't know what I think about caskets, but that's what my mom wants. 00:22:53.759 --> 00:22:55.200 Now I told my mom. 00:22:55.359 --> 00:22:58.319 She said she wants an open microphone at her funeral. 00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:00.319 And I said, I won't do that. 00:23:00.640 --> 00:23:05.039 So if that's really important, you're going to need to change your will because I'm not going to follow your will on that. 00:23:06.000 --> 00:23:08.559 Mainly because I don't think it's helpful for her. 00:23:08.880 --> 00:23:10.400 I know my mother. 00:23:11.039 --> 00:23:13.359 I also know services, and I told you this. 00:23:13.519 --> 00:23:18.880 You don't want an open microphone at a funeral because it gets in the way of what the funeral is trying to do. 00:23:19.119 --> 00:23:22.640 An open microphone at a reception is different from a funeral. 00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:27.440 But open microphones are strange because they're almost always manipulative. 00:23:27.839 --> 00:23:28.880 Almost always. 00:23:29.119 --> 00:23:33.440 And people feel like they have to share something and they're really not in a place to share. 00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:36.079 And I would suggest to you they're not really helpful. 00:23:37.839 --> 00:23:43.200 I don't allow more than three eulogies at a funeral, and usually I suggest one or two. 00:23:43.279 --> 00:23:45.279 And they're not open, they've been planned. 00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:52.160 Because when people get up and just talk, they lose focus about what they're supposed to be saying. 00:23:53.759 --> 00:23:56.480 My mom wants the grandkids to be able to share. 00:23:56.640 --> 00:23:58.559 Well, there's eight of those. 00:24:00.079 --> 00:24:03.200 So again, this is why we've had this conversation. 00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:07.519 If you want that, pick a different executor, because I'm not doing that. 00:24:10.079 --> 00:24:11.279 Maybe that's bad of me. 00:24:11.440 --> 00:24:12.400 Every family is different. 00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:14.559 It's not right or wrong, it's just your family. 00:24:14.720 --> 00:24:16.799 And that's why this matters, I think. 00:24:20.400 --> 00:24:24.240 Again, you're welcome to say that's crazy, or how about this other question? 00:24:24.400 --> 00:24:31.519 But I think it's really helpful to think through these decisions with the people who are going to be making them. 00:24:33.759 --> 00:24:50.799 This is going to sound strange, but you know, there's lots of people who I'm involved with deeply, who um, you know, I meet their kids who have been married in the Jewish faith or the Lutheran faith, or they just church isn't their thing. 00:24:50.960 --> 00:24:52.079 I don't judge that at all. 00:24:52.160 --> 00:24:52.720 I don't. 00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:56.640 We get to this point where we say, Would you like to have donations of flowers? 00:24:56.799 --> 00:25:00.880 And I would tell you, almost everybody says, No, I'd rather not have all those flowers. 00:25:01.200 --> 00:25:02.720 People will send them. 00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:10.000 So we usually put in our bulletin, in lieu of donation uh flowers, donations may be made to blank. 00:25:10.720 --> 00:25:21.519 And I've had people say, Yeah, you know, dad really liked the arm and bayou, and um, you know, uh, I think it's important that people can read Braille. 00:25:21.839 --> 00:25:26.400 So, how about the Arm and Bayou and the Society for the Blind? 00:25:26.880 --> 00:25:28.880 Those are great causes, right? 00:25:29.119 --> 00:25:30.640 They are, they're great. 00:25:30.880 --> 00:25:54.079 And then only because I was taught to do this from somebody I trust, I usually say, you know, I sense that because your father was on the vestry of this church five times in the leadership of such and such ministry for 25 years, I I sense the church was very important to your father. 00:25:54.240 --> 00:26:01.039 And I'm not telling you you have to honor that, but I want to raise that to you as something your father spent his life on. 00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:05.359 Um I didn't do that to be extortion. 00:26:05.519 --> 00:26:07.039 I didn't do it for that reason. 00:26:07.200 --> 00:26:12.480 I do it to represent the person who's died and the person whose life we're celebrating. 00:26:12.640 --> 00:26:17.599 It's not about money, it's about representing values. 00:26:19.279 --> 00:26:32.319 So on my funeral plan, it says, in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to one, two, three, so that my kids don't have to try to figure what my values are. 00:26:34.880 --> 00:26:39.119 It's not about the money, it's about representing me. 00:26:40.319 --> 00:26:42.559 Does that make sense what I'm saying? 00:26:44.319 --> 00:26:45.920 Now I don't have a will. 00:26:46.000 --> 00:26:48.240 I'm not a I'm not an attorney. 00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:51.119 Uh but I'll tell you why I don't have a will. 00:26:51.440 --> 00:27:05.839 In California, if you owned land worth more than$25,000, which meant if you owned a postage stamp, uh, when you died, your property was going to probate court. 00:27:06.559 --> 00:27:10.720 Regardless of whether you had a will or not, it was going to probate. 00:27:12.000 --> 00:27:15.359 The average probate court cost was$32,000. 00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:18.079 That's in California. 00:27:18.640 --> 00:27:23.039 My wife went to law school and she took a trust class. 00:27:23.200 --> 00:27:24.400 She's not a trust attorney. 00:27:24.480 --> 00:27:25.920 That's not what she does. 00:27:26.319 --> 00:27:27.920 And she didn't know that. 00:27:28.720 --> 00:27:32.559 Well, I didn't know that either until I learned it in church, of all places. 00:27:32.720 --> 00:27:34.000 And so, what did we do? 00:27:34.160 --> 00:27:46.000 Well, we thought uh our$500,000 mortgage is really not a treat to pass on to our heirs, particularly if they have to pay$32,000 to assume it. 00:27:47.599 --> 00:27:58.799 So we paid uh about$1,500 to make a trust, which meant the home and the mortgage bound up in it would never go to probate. 00:28:02.240 --> 00:28:04.880 In Texas, I think it's a watch. 00:28:05.440 --> 00:28:12.160 I think the probate court cost is about the same as making a trust. 00:28:13.039 --> 00:28:31.759 The difference being an asset in probate goes to court before it's awarded, and an asset in a trust passes on to the uh custodian of the trust without going to probate. 00:28:32.079 --> 00:28:35.279 I I hope I act I accurately represented that. 00:28:35.680 --> 00:28:36.000 You did. 00:28:36.079 --> 00:28:38.799 I have a trust, and that's exactly why I did it. 00:28:39.440 --> 00:28:42.559 This is also true about checking accounts. 00:28:42.720 --> 00:28:46.160 I'm not putting my daughter on my checking account. 00:28:46.480 --> 00:28:47.920 She's six. 00:28:48.799 --> 00:29:08.319 However, to pay for my funeral, which will cost money, I don't really want my mother to have to pay her money for my funeral and wait to assume my checking account 30 to 90 days later to reimburse herself. 00:29:09.279 --> 00:29:13.680 So I can add her to my checking account now. 00:29:15.039 --> 00:29:22.000 This is only with people you trust, and then I can pay for my own funeral. 00:29:22.240 --> 00:29:24.400 Does that make sense what I'm saying? 00:29:26.160 --> 00:29:31.519 My wife does not have to wait because her name's on the account. 00:29:31.759 --> 00:29:40.559 There are weird things, uh, and this is helpful to know, and I'm not an expert, so you want to talk to your expert, but this is part of this. 00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:42.079 What you do now. 00:29:43.359 --> 00:29:53.359 Um, if my wife and I's name is on a car, title, we co-own the car. 00:29:54.240 --> 00:30:01.200 I will have to clear the title after her death because she won't be around anymore. 00:30:01.759 --> 00:30:10.240 Texas is a common property state, which means if her name's not on the title, she co-owns the car anyway. 00:30:10.880 --> 00:30:18.720 So if she dies, I still have to clear the title, even though her name's not on the title. 00:30:18.960 --> 00:30:20.720 Does that make sense what I'm telling you? 00:30:21.759 --> 00:30:23.519 Same with the home. 00:30:23.759 --> 00:30:28.160 Now we're definitely both on the home and we have a mortgage, so we're definitely on that, right? 00:30:28.400 --> 00:30:44.319 But this is part of what you'll be doing the first 30, 60, 90 days of being an executor to a will or surviving a spouse or parent, or things like clearing titles, waiting for probate. 00:30:45.920 --> 00:30:49.839 Um wills aren't free, you know this, right? 00:30:50.559 --> 00:30:52.640 Wills usually cost, what do you think? 00:30:52.799 --> 00:30:54.720 About$500 to make a will? 00:30:55.599 --> 00:30:56.480 Are they more than that? 00:30:56.799 --> 00:30:57.359 $750. 00:30:57.920 --> 00:30:58.640 $750. 00:30:58.880 --> 00:30:59.200 Okay. 00:30:59.599 --> 00:31:05.039 A revocable trust is um$1,500,$1,700. 00:31:06.960 --> 00:31:09.039 You still have to clear titles. 00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:23.039 Uh but again, assets can pass directly, and you do want to think about things like when to put your kiddo on your checking account or your savings account. 00:31:23.279 --> 00:31:25.279 By now, all of you know, right? 00:31:25.440 --> 00:31:33.200 If you've got a pension or you've got a 401k, you need a beneficiary other than yourself, right? 00:31:33.359 --> 00:31:35.039 I mean, you you you want to do that. 00:31:35.200 --> 00:31:39.759 You don't need to have 10, but you need one or two. 00:31:39.920 --> 00:31:40.799 I've got children. 00:31:40.960 --> 00:31:43.680 Well, I've only got one minor child left. 00:31:44.079 --> 00:31:48.960 Um, I've got plan A and plan B for guardians. 00:31:49.200 --> 00:31:51.440 Because plan A is 72. 00:31:52.079 --> 00:31:54.160 So I've got it I've got a plan B. 00:31:54.319 --> 00:31:56.000 Does that make sense? 00:31:56.640 --> 00:31:59.599 Uh some people go all the way through plan F. 00:32:00.799 --> 00:32:04.240 You need to be comfortable, but I don't think you should be neurotic. 00:32:05.839 --> 00:32:09.200 Whether that's an asset or custodianship. 00:32:10.079 --> 00:32:11.440 Are these on here? 00:32:11.599 --> 00:32:13.519 Well, they sort of are, right? 00:32:13.839 --> 00:32:35.279 There's sort of things here like uh important documents and advisors, helpful to have that on your plan, not only in your firebox and in your successor and your heir, but I think it's helpful to have in the church because we're just another link in the chain of being an information giver and sharer. 00:32:35.440 --> 00:32:37.519 I I hope that makes sense. 00:32:46.319 --> 00:32:50.000 Mike, could we visit revisit the DNR about a minute? 00:32:50.880 --> 00:32:58.319 Um you have one in your firebox and you've given one to your child or whatever, uh a good friend. 00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:01.920 Should you give one to the local churches? 00:33:02.160 --> 00:33:03.200 I mean, not churches. 00:33:03.440 --> 00:33:04.240 Hospitals. 00:33:05.440 --> 00:33:09.200 Uh I don't know if hospitals will keep that outside of your being there. 00:33:09.440 --> 00:33:17.920 I mean, the truth is if you really want to dot your eyes, you you you need your your person if you're going for. 00:33:18.079 --> 00:33:29.680 I mean, listen, very rarely do we say, I've had a heart attack, I'm gonna go home and get my advanced medical care directive and take that to the hospital with me and make sure they chart that. 00:33:30.240 --> 00:33:46.079 But it would not hurt you to say to your adult friend, listen, in this envelope is my advanced medical directive, and if I go to the hospital in an emergency, would you please bring it? 00:33:46.720 --> 00:33:51.039 I know this sounds crazy because we don't do it. 00:33:51.279 --> 00:33:54.240 But that doesn't mean it's crazy, it just means we don't do it. 00:33:54.880 --> 00:33:58.960 If we did it, again, it's it's T-crossing. 00:33:59.200 --> 00:34:05.680 I don't think you should have your advanced medical directive in your purse at all times or folded up in your wallet. 00:34:05.839 --> 00:34:07.279 I mean, that's the little much. 00:34:07.920 --> 00:34:11.360 But you don't know which hospital an ambulance will take you to. 00:34:15.519 --> 00:34:17.519 I'm gonna hit pause for a second. 00:34:19.840 --> 00:34:24.320 Hopefully, you can ask to go either to Methodist or downtown. 00:34:25.920 --> 00:34:26.480 Hopefully. 00:34:29.119 --> 00:34:30.880 I told my wife that. 00:34:31.760 --> 00:34:37.039 I was told by the trust attorney with the recorder off that. 00:34:38.480 --> 00:34:39.679 Not a bad idea. 00:34:39.920 --> 00:34:45.679 We don't we don't do it because it sounds morbid, but listen, dying is part of living. 00:34:46.400 --> 00:34:51.119 Most people aren't afraid of death, most people are anxious about dying. 00:34:51.360 --> 00:35:00.880 How can we manage, mitigate our own anxiety about dying, which we're going to do? 00:35:02.000 --> 00:35:03.920 Is that okay what I'm saying? 00:35:05.920 --> 00:35:12.239 Also, what are the odds that the person who's got your advanced directive is going to be there when something happens to you? 00:35:12.480 --> 00:35:13.039 What are the odds? 00:35:13.199 --> 00:35:15.039 My brother lives in Charlotte. 00:35:16.639 --> 00:35:22.559 Um, if I were to book an immediate flight, immediate, that's if I got on there today, right? 00:35:22.639 --> 00:35:24.800 It's going to take me probably seven hours. 00:35:24.880 --> 00:35:27.280 That's if I could just get on, right? 00:35:27.840 --> 00:35:32.400 So what I have to be able to do remotely is engage a lot of things. 00:35:32.559 --> 00:35:37.039 My parents live in Kentucky, and listen, there's not even a major airport. 00:35:37.599 --> 00:35:42.239 I can't fly direct to Lexington from Houston at all. 00:35:42.400 --> 00:35:45.039 I could fly to Louisville maybe once a day. 00:35:45.199 --> 00:35:47.360 So it depends when I need to get on the flight, right? 00:35:47.440 --> 00:35:50.480 So again, we've got to be able to coordinate from afar. 00:35:51.199 --> 00:35:52.400 And it's important. 00:35:52.639 --> 00:35:56.079 If my mom's coordinating for me, she knows. 00:35:57.920 --> 00:35:59.599 Because otherwise she won't know that. 00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:04.320 Now listen, if you love that place, ignore what I said. 00:36:04.719 --> 00:36:12.000 If you've got an opinion, though, keep it and make sure your loved ones know you've got an opinion. 00:36:12.239 --> 00:36:15.119