Inhaling Dust | Episode 3

Can you fire people that don’t work for you? Does your landlord think you’re stupid? What would it be like if Dr. Phil produced a sitcom? These questions and more are asked but not fully answered on this week’s episode of Forehead Corner.

00:00 - 13:06 Intro, AC Dust & Landlords

13:06 - 23:44 Book Club & Shingles Virus

23:44 - 34:10 Walton Goggins, Fallout & Body Negativity 

34:10 - 51:56 Firing my Agent

51:56 - END Patreon Sneak Peek, Gossip & Outro

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hey gang. Um welcome to Forehead Corner. I'm your host, Martha Kelly, and um I have a lot, a lot of kind of wacky stuff to talk about today. Not wacky, I have a lot of shit to talk about today. Um, but before I get started, um as always, the email, if you want to email me with questions or comments, unless they're mean, send them to someone else's email. You can talk about me, but send it to somebody else. But for this podcast, the email is foreheadcornerpod at gmail.com. And then the next layer down of what's on the top of my mind is that I um had a weird exchange with my landlord who's a property manager, not the owner of the home. And he is very similar to the agents I had at UTA, whom I fired, which I will talk about on the Patreon. And I feel like a bitch for saving the juicy me being an unhinged, I really fired her and and the manager I had at the time. I fired them in a very unhinged way. And I feel like a bitch for putting it behind a paywall. However, for sure, that's the one way I can be sure they won't hear it. If I'm being honest, though, I don't think they think about me at all. They're not gonna listen to this podcast, even on the main episode. So maybe I will talk about it. But but but the land my landlord, property manager, I the my air conditioner, I'm really lucky I have central AC in the house that I'm renting. And it works great, but it kicks out an enormous amount of dust. I dust like this. I wanna have energy talking about this, but I don't want to get worked up because um because I can't win against this guy. And he's like my old agents. Okay, the I texted him and said um the air conditioner is covering everything in a visible layer of dust every day, no matter how much I I clean. So literally, I have a little magnifying mirror on the bathroom counter. I wipe it off every day, and if I'm running the air conditioner, within hours you can see a layer of dust on it again. So central heat and AC always g puts more dust in your house than just opening the windows and using a fan, unless you're living in the dust bowl in the 1930s, and I don't want to talk about that. There's a great Ken Burns documentary about it, but when I say great, I mean horrifying and depressing, and I wish I'd never seen it. Um other than that, open your windows, turn on a fan, you're gonna have less dust on everything than with central AC. But if you live in a place that gets hot in the summer, which I do, it's better to get a little dust. And I've the thing is, this place, the dust is more than normal. I've lived in other places with central AC that didn't have this much dust. I've taught I've ran this by people I know. Like, does that sound normal? It isn't, I know it isn't normal. It isn't normal. And I texted my property manager today after putting it off for a while, because I put it off because I didn't want to deal with him saying he wouldn't do anything about it. But then I thought, that's probably not what's gonna happen. Just go ahead and text him. Hey, kicking up dust, what you know, can can you ask the owner if they would be uh willing to get the ducts the ducts, D U C T S and Vents cleaned. That's a thing I've looked up on the internet. I don't know I'm not pretending it's the right thing, but it is something that the internet says you might need to do if you're changing the AC filter frequently, which I am changing it more frequently than it's even recommended, and still living in dust fill. And so I texted him and he wrote back and said, Unfortunately, that is not the owner's responsibility. It's purely elective. You can do it if you want. I wouldn't recommend it. It usually creates more um dust than it remedies. So then I was like, that I don't believe him. I don't believe it's true that, first of all, that it isn't the owner's responsibility to uh remedy a dirty air conditioning system that's filling up your house with dust. And secondly, I don't believe him that if I paid for it myself, it would make it worse. The way he worded it was like if they get when they go in there to clean out an ac uh an accumulation of dust, it usually just disturbs the dust and makes it worse. That seems that sounds crazy. But I just decided like I'm actually not gonna argue with him about it because when last summer when there was a plumbing emergency, when the wa using the washer the pipes, the main pipe out to the to the street was blocked. I didn't know it. You ran the washer, it backed up, and it flooded one of the bathrooms, and there was raw sewage in in what came up from the shower in that that spare bathroom. And we went a few rounds on whether or not it was possible for him to get a plumber to come on the weekend. And my my 58-year-old at the time, 57-year-old brain said he just doesn't want to spend the money because it's more expensive on the weekend, but it wasn't a holiday weekend. There's no way he can't get a plumber out this weekend. Um, we got in a big argument, and then we we made up. I did, I felt like I overreacted because I started to feel like he's he he thinks he can fuck me over, and I got my hackles up, and then I was like, wait, I don't that might not be what's happening, and I'm them putting on him what other people I've known in the past have done, and that's not fair. So we made up. I have not talked to him since. My preferred relationship with a landlord is we both forget the other exists, except for one, which is the place I lived before I live now. I rented a little house in Lumita, California, and my landlord's name was Luke, and he and his wife Shirley were two of the dearest, most ethical, honest people I've ever known. I love them. I'm gonna text them later today or this weekend. We keep in touch a little. I love them so much. They refunded my entire security deposit, even though my dog Macy had dug several holes in the backyard. Not only didn't want me to replace the grass, um, refunded the whole, the entire security deposit. Um, I just and the day I met them when I went to look at the house, I was like, the I love these people and I love this house. Anyway, I wouldn't have moved if it wasn't so far from LA. Like everybody I'm friends with and every job I could get and did every job I had last year, it's all up here. And when I do this for people who aren't here, this is Burbank. Um, I just stopped arguing with my property manager today, and I said, let me just take a look and see what else is for rent because my lease is up at the end of July. I don't want to move, but his position, I thought about sending him a text and just saying, I don't want to jump to conclusions. I just want to confirm your position is there's absolutely nothing I can do except live in a home full of dust. Because this this is the the last thing I'll say about what he said was that the dust is probably coming into the house, not through the AC, but when I open the doors, there's just dust coming in. So implausible. Anyway, I'm like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna get in another argument with with this fella. I don't think he's a bad person. I just think his his job is to um get spend as little of the owner's money as possible so that they will keep working with the property manager. That's my guess. Also, the house was not clean when I moved in. Also, the garage door has been um sealed shut. And um he didn't know that. And I like I hate having people, I hate having to arrange to have people come over to fix stuff stuff because of my pets, because my dog loves everybody, but my cats will run out the front door if given the chance. And sometimes people who if you're not home, people come over and you go, please don't leave the door open because of the cats, and they go, sure thing, and then they leave the door open. Not just because they sometimes are people who don't have cats and forget if the cats are out of sight. I'm not blaming anybody. I realized my property manager, and I'm winding this long story up, he is like my old agents at UTA because their policy, like him, this is what he said to me when we made up from our first argument last summer over the plumbing. He said, Martha, I'm here for you. I'm always gonna advocate for you with the owners. Just, you know, you just have to let me know if there's a problem, and I will go to the owners and ask them to take care of it. I'm not trying to screw you over. I'm here for you. Okay. This is what my old agents would say. We're here to fight for you, we believe in you, we're always gonna, you know, fight to get you the best deal. But like him, that's the that is their proclamation, but every individual circumstance just happened to be one where there was nothing they could do. So with him, the property manager, it's I'm here for you, but however, this specific in uh situation, there's nothing I can do. There's no way to meet remedy a house full of dust. I mean, the whole in the if you search the world high and low, I'm sure there's no way. There's just people living all over the place with houses full of dust. There's nothing you can do. It's just that's just how the world is. And with my old agents, it was they would they would say, here's this offer for a part. The money is not good. We're gonna try to ask for more, and then the next day, every single time the next day come back and go, and they said no. So you are getting the shitty money that we told you was shitty when we first told you about the offer. But that was every time. So the a very I'm realizing this probably isn't as poignant to anyone but me. Um, I j I guess I just find it funny in a really unpleasant way when people are like, I'm buddy, I'm here for you. I got your back, I'll I'll fight for you. And unfortunately, every individual situation where I where I need to fight for you is is out of my hands. There's nothing I can do. And I did fire them in a really unhinged way, and I will talk about it, but first I want to say I did buy about six books today um to have to read, to restart my life as a person who reads. It's been years since I've read anything except stuff on my phone. I've I really have not read a book in years. I did buy and read my friend's book of poems. That's not the same as reading prose. That's not as many words, and it's not as, you know, it's not, you know what I'm saying. A page with a poem on it, it can be like one narrow uh centered block of text. Whereas a book, it's like the whole page is full of words. You know what I'm talking about. What books did I buy? Well, and I'm gonna buy more. And it I probably shouldn't be talking about buying things in this dreadful economy. It's giving privileged rich bitch. But I bought Fame Sick, Lena Dunham's memoir. Um, I haven't received any of them yet. I bought um I'm a lot, surviving myself and all the people I've been by Allison Leiby, who I love. I also bought one in a millennial on friendship, feelings, fangirls, and fitting in by Kate Kennedy. Kate Kennedy is I am a huge fan. She has a podcast called Be There and Five, and this is a book that she wrote. Um, I can't wait to get it. I love her so much, and I love her podcast. It's one of my favorites ever. Um, I'm gonna tell you the one other really good one that I'm excited about, and then the two that are not fun. Um I bought the 1619 project, A Visual Experience by Nicole Hannah-Jones, and I listened to the 1619 podcast back in, I think it was 2019 when it came out, and it was fucking amazing. And it was before the book came out, and then the book came out and I kept meaning to buy it, and now they have it an edition of the book that is illustrated. Um, and I I mean it they added illustrations to it, and I can't wait to see it. Okay, second to last book is called In the Shadow of Eight, Surviving the Reality of My Childhood by Colin Goslin from John and Kate Plus Eight, because I've been seeing him on TikTok, and um every every uh guy who's 25-ish and under, honestly under 30 reminds me of my nephew, and my heart goes out to them. He this kid, Colin, was fucking abused, and his mom is a horror show, and he wrote a book about it, and it comes out in October, but I but I bought it, I pre-ordered it. And then the last book, because I do think um it is interesting to look into the mind of a psychopath, is his mom's book called I Just Want You To Know: Letters to My Kids on Love, Faith, and Family. And if this is, and it was half off, if this isn't going to be the most hoarse shitty book, let me just tell you why I'm so angry at Kate Goslin, and then I'll I'll move on to more fun things. So when I saw Colin Goslin's um TikToks, I remembered like I remembered hearing that about one of her kids um about people being angry at her for the treatment of one of her kids and and then about her being criticized in general. And so I I looked up what was going on, and on Reddit, um I just inhaled something. It's fun. I'm hoping it was cocaine. If you accidentally take drugs somehow, if you and there's no, as far as I know, there's no cocaine in this blanket or in this studio, possibly not even in the whole city of Burbank. There's not a lot of partying in Burbank. Um I am sober, but if you if I took a breath in and somehow, like my property manager thinks the air is full of dust. Every time you open a door, a dust storm comes in that you can't see but ends up on your furniture. Maybe it's full of cocaine. I inhale it, I'm high on cocaine, the podcast gets exponentially better. I don't lose I don't have to change my sobriety date because I didn't deliberately inhale it. Anyway, I didn't inhale cocaine just now, but so this is uh one thing that I'll tell you about Kate Goslin. One of the producers of her show, because it became her show after she divorced her husband John, but it was about the eight kids, the one set of twins and one set of sex tuplets. So uh multiple birth, six babies were born at one time. I'm a twin, but I can't compete with sex tuplets. They simply are on another level. Um, one of the producers of her show witnessed such shitty treatment of her kids by Kate Goslin that she re this producer released Kate Goslin's diary that she kept during the years that they were filming the show. And in the diary, this maniac wrote entries about hitting her kids and as if it was like funny and normal. I can't. I mean, um what's her fucking name? Uh the lady who the Mormon who went to prison, something frank Ruby Frankie, she did the same thing. She kept a diary and wrote about the abusive stuff she was doing to her kids. But um, that's why I'm so mad at Kate Goslin is because she abused her kids. She's not sorry. She kept a diary about it because she had no conscience about it, no remorse. Um, the entries, because you can, if you go on Reddit, people have quoted it in places. And I don't really want to see a lot of that stuff, but I wanted to see enough of it to get a feel for what it was like. And it's like, it's just like I hit this kid because this morning because they were in a bad mood, and and now they're and then they very quickly got happier, like uh happied up, that's how she put it. I hit this girl, one of my kids, with something because she said I had a stash on the bus of things to hit my child with, hit her with a this is a toddler, by the way, because she was grouchy, and then she happied up after I hit her. Like, well, yeah, you you terrorized your kid into pretending to be okay. You're a disgusting human being, Kate Gals, and what a fun, fun topic. Um, I will say uh what I should have said up top, as always, I always forget something up top. I haven't done hot yoga in a week. I got the second shingles vaccine on Friday, last Friday, and something I think went wrong, and I'm convinced that it actually turned me into the shingles virus because I have not been myself since then. We recorded two days ago on Tuesday, today's Thursday. We recorded on Tuesday, June 30th, and I was a mess. I didn't eat before I came because I was filled with dread, because I couldn't concentrate to gather enough mental fortitude to think of what to talk about on the podcast. So I like read listener emails, but I couldn't answer them coherently. It was a mess. And I just r haven't felt normal since then and I think like in the Jeff Goldblum movie The Fly, there's an accident. They're trying to do something good medically, scientifically, but it gets messed up and he turns into a fly because his DNA gets spliced with a fly. I think something went wrong with this vaccine and I and it turned me into the virus. And I this might sound hard to believe, even with this catastrophic life-changing event of going from a human being to a virus, it has not made me anti-vax. I'm pro-vax. Um because I want I want other people to possibly be able to join me on this the other side being a virus. And I realize I should be anti-vax though, now that I'm saying that. This just went this just went down the toilet. Um I should be anti-vaxx because I'm a virus now and I need hosts that I can get into and reproduce and keep living. But um at the same time, I'd like some other maybe some of my friends to turn into the shingles virus. We can go around, we can go partying around this dusty fucking city, this absolute desert dust storm of a city, according to my property manager. Um, I wanted to say a little bit more about Walton Goggins, because I talked about him on the last podcast. So I worked with him on Fallout in 2025. It came out early or December, I think it came out December 2025. So we shot a scene where Representative Welch, the character I played, gets pushed down some the stairs of a building that she has gone to to protest to try and elbow her way into a meeting with the this corporation that's like corrupt and controlling the government. And so she tries to get in to like represent her constituents and you know break up the corruption. And instead the security kicks her out and then they push her down some stairs. And then Walton Gogg's character, this isn't a flashback when he's the movie star before he turns into the ghoul. His character is arriving at this building right when I've been pushed down and comes over and extends a hand and helps me up. And so I, when we first rehearsed, that was our first interaction, except I met him the first day I worked and he was really sweet. But this is our first scene together. And I said, I don't want you to hurt your back helping me up. I'm quite heavy. And then he, because he's a southern charming, charming guy, was like, no, don't say that. You're I'm you're fine. I said, no, I'm I'm a I'm a full grown woman and and I'm packing a lot of density. I'm short. Anyway, he said, Well, I'm a grown man and I can help you up no problem. First of all, that was extremely sweet of him. But I was mortified quick sidetrack. I'm not trying to be body negative, and I I don't I don't feel bad about this truth about my body anymore. It's just something that I'm like, yeah, that's just everyone's body is different. Everyone, there's all in in media, you mostly only see one type of body unless you're seeing someone as a cautionary tale. But if they're showing what's supposed to be normal adults living lives and having adventures and relationships, in movies and on TV shows, they're almost always only showing thin, very fit, relatively young people. Whereas in the real world, there's a whole range of different body shapes. And so it's fine. Um, but the my body, the majority of the density that I carry is from like my my lower abdomen to my upper thighs. And it looks, it can be deceiving because if I I don't wear clothes that are super tight fitting, so and my legs aren't super big and my my upper body isn't super big. Back in the day when I was partying, inevitably, it wasn't even always guys. Inevitably, some tall person who was also drunk while I was drunk would think it that it would be funny and fun for me if they picked me up. Women friends did this. Uh guys who hit on me, and I'm not saying that happen all the time. I'm not trying to sound like Johnny Hot shit, but or guys I was just friends with, they would just there's something about drunk people who look at a short person and go, I'd think you're gonna enjoy me picking you up. And what would happen because of the deception of the way I dress, not revealing how much density I've got from my lower belly to my upper thighs, what it would go like is they would, I'm gonna pick you up, ha ha ha ha. No, I don't want you to, don't do that. And they would override, pick me up, and then give a little grunt of pain because I was heavier than they were anticipating. Yes, that was satisfying. But it was also made me worry that Walton Goggins, who is a dreamboat, like very handsome. I was like very afraid that he was gonna try to help me up from the step and be like, oop, and um, and then everyone was gonna be like, oh my god, you've broken the lead actor. But that didn't happen. A qu other quick side note about Walton Goggins. Some actors are good looking on screen and not as good looking in person. Some are better looking in person than they are on screen. Walton Goggins, one of those people who handsome on screen, even more handsome in person. Um, and I'm saying that because it relates to this next thing, which is that I didn't have a line when he lifts when he helps me up from the ground. But in the script, I'm supposed to be looking at him like starstruck. I'm surprised that this movie star is there, and I'm surprised that he's helped me up, and he's handsome, so I'm a little bit like, oh my gosh, starstruck. And it required face acting, which I am even worse at than regular acting. I don't register a lot of emotion on my face. People on TikTok are regularly telling me, why don't you smile? Can you smile? Are you able to smile? No. Um, and when I don't have a line to to convey in my voice how I'm feeling, even that is hard. When it comes to acting, if you want someone with a big emotional range, keep looking. I'm not I'm not the person. If you want this smaller range of emotion, and you've seen my work and you're you understand there's only this wide of a range, and and for whatever reason you want it in your project, I'm over the moon. But let's keep it real. I am not Meryl Streep or Viola Davis or Robert De Niro. Anyway, face acting, not communicating how starstruck I am. And Walton Goggins is really, really supportive and sweet towards other actors. And my impression, and it's not like I know him well. I'm just, I'm not trying to pretend we're best friends, but my impression is that he is sensitive to the non-famous character actor, guest actors on a project he's the lead on. Like he makes an effort to be in, he was really fucking sweet and encouraging to the background actors. Um, just a and the crew, like he's a I love him anyway. He was trying to help, and at one point, because we can't I kept having to do it again and again. And he said, you know, like if you can imagine like your your character meeting my character is like if you met like Brad Pitt in real life. I don't know if he said Brad Pitt, but someone like that, someone that was like a handsome movie star. And what he didn't know is that I did feel like that, but I didn't have the ability to show it on my face. It would be so great if there was some great ending to that story. Um, and there isn't. Um, I will say I was hoping that they would have Representative Welch in more flashbacks this season that I think they started shooting in June and it's July 2nd. I'm still gonna hope until I hear that they wrapped season three because I would love to go back. That crew on Fallout, one of my favorite crews I ever got to work with. Just between takes, there wasn't a department you could walk past camera, sound, lights, um, props, hair and makeup. There was nobody that you could in their little area that you couldn't walk up to and have a delightful conversation with. And they were friendly. I promise I wasn't, that's not true. Let me say again, they were friendly. And I was gonna say, I promise I wasn't just bothering people while they were trying to get their work done. That isn't true. I'm sure I did bother some people, um, but they were they I'm this isn't a great excuse. They were so lovely to talk to. I could I didn't I couldn't stop trying to talk to them and make friends with everybody. Oh, this is the most fun crew. Um nobody, I wasn't like, I I pay attention to cues. So if someone was like trying to be like, yeah, yeah, hi, whatever, and then trying to get their work done, I wouldn't keep engaging. But there were a couple times where people were just standing around, we started talking, and then I could feel that it was time to wrap up and they wanted to go back to what they were doing, and I maybe said one or two more things just because I didn't want to let go of the connection. Okay, I talked about Walton G Walton Walton Walton. Oh, Goggs. Um, so I guess I'll talk about firing my agent because I so for the Patreon this week, which we're gonna record right after this, I'm gonna talk about I'm gonna go into some specifics about my own unhinged behavior and um altercations, verbal altercations, and text altercations I've gotten in with people. Um, and I was gonna include when I fired my agent and manager in the Patreon because it fits that theme. But because I already talked about my agents and how similar they are to my current property manager, I'll just tell you that part now. But but real quick, uh, no, I'll tell you that and then I'll talk about Adam Corolla. But then I don't know what I'm gonna end on because um, oh, I'll talk about the well. I've got to start organizing this like a comedy set where you want to have a strong opener and you want your closer to be even a little bit stronger. So you want them both to be super strong, but you want the closer to be like a level where you're building it the whole set, and then you end on a an explosion. And it doesn't have to be an explosion of laughter, it can be a literal explosion. You can throw a literal grenade into the crowd, and it's that is gonna be you can't top that ending. And are people gonna be happy? No, but you did end it higher than the rest. The energy is gonna be up here if you explode uh some kind of device. And I'm not recommending you do that, I'm just saying if you somehow find yourself accidentally being booked for a half hour or 45 minutes of stand-up comedy and you've never done it before, try to scramble something funny to say right when you start. You can fill the rest of it with bullshit, and then the very end, you gotta hit them with something. Okay. Um so when I fired my agent and manager, it had been months of barely hearing from them, except for really insultingly bad auditions they were sending, and not really my manager so much, my agent. And it was would be a forwarded um uh what do you call it? Template like email. There's a word form letter type email. So it would start with like um, as per our phone call, but there had never been a phone call. So it was a form letter. So it was just a giant agency that would hear about certain roles that were being cast, and they would go, Well, these seven non-famous character actor women in the relative age group, I can send it to all of them and they can audition for it. Maybe one will get it. Um, and it was frequently stuff that was like creepy old bitch the audience hates on site. And the the wording of it would be like per our phone call, which hadn't happened, casting would love to see you put yourself on tape for the role of creepy old bitch everyone hates on site, or old, haggard, ugly weirdo. I'm not, I mean, I'm not I'm exaggerating a tiny bit, but not really. There was one part that where the description said it was um Dr. Phil's son had a sit a sitcom very briefly. And the description for the part included the name of a Muppet, and it said to look up the Muppet. And I'm gonna find a picture of it and put it on the Patreon page. And I think there's a way to look at free stuff on Patreon, and maybe you'll be able to see it on there. Anyway, it had been months of this, and then I was doing these auditions and still not getting anything, and this was after, I'm sorry, this is a gross brag, but this was after being nominated for the Emmy for Euphoria. Um, all I was getting was the occasional insulting audition, no jobs in 2022, and then beginning of 2023, and then I just said to my um manager and agent, like I just I don't want to audition for roles that hurt my feelings anymore because I'm not even getting those parts, and so I'd rather just skip getting my feelings hurt. If there, if there are auditions for roles that are like described as old or ugly, please don't send them to me. And I and if that means I never work again and you don't want to work together, that's okay, but this is I can't handle it mentally. And they were annoyed by that and let me know they were annoyed by it. They did not give a rat's ass about my feelings as a human being, it was purely transactional. That's how a lot of people are in this industry, and I know that I'm not um I'm not expecting everybody to actually be genuine, but um if you are going to be purely transactional um to make money from work I do get, then my my expectation, and it's kind of maybe it is bitchy, but my expectation is one that you're actually getting me work, and two, that you are able to pretend to care about me as a person. That's your job. That's a relationship. You need to pretend not insult me and then not get mad at me when I say nicely, like this is just isn't something I can't handle. Then be a decent person or pretend like you're you are, just pretend. I'm mad. A lot of it is that I'm mad at myself for the way I used to let people treat me, and I would let it go on until I was so hurt that I would get super angry and then respond in an unhinged way. And between what I'm about to tell you and now, I've spent the years in between, which has been three years, um, a little over three years, going to therapy multiple times a week, every week, for the several for a little over three years. Because I think this happened, I think I fired them in May of 2023, and it's July 2026. So I'm not gonna do something like this again, but I have to be honest, I'm not I I can't pretend I'm sorry that I did this. I know on some level that it's wrong, and I did used to be sorry about it. I felt awful, and I tried to apologize to them repeatedly. Um, but as time has gone on and I realize that they never gave a shit about me as a person, I'm like, well then you got you get what you got. Um you don't care. And the the thing is they don't care. They're I'm saying all this as if they're gonna listen and I'm gonna get to go wet and I'm not sorry. And it's like they're not gonna listen. They might not even remember that they worked with me. They might not be have any recollection that I was even a person ever, that they ever they may have been able to wipe me completely from their memory. And that if that's the case, that's that's probably for the best. So I got an email, and it was for a part, I'm gonna say what the movie was, and maybe this isn't advisable when it's not behind a paywall, but it was for the movie Saturday Night, the one about Saturday Night Live, and the audition, the self-tape request was for a role that was a um like an o an older, I am older, I'm 58, but it it was like a woman, uh, you know, older woman, Christian, uh worked on the censorship, whatever it's called, the censorship, the censors for NBC when Saturday Night Live was first coming out. There's an I feel like there's a name for the censors of networks, but anyway, and in this the pages of the script for the self-tape audition, the other character she's in the scene with, this man who's one of the writers for Saturday Night Live, calls her ugly, a pig, and says she looks like a man. And he's the protagonist. So it wasn't like the scene wasn't saying, look at this abusive man treating this woman that you sympathize with badly. It was he's the protagonist, she's the um censor, uptight Christian bitch, and he's taking her down a peg and call calls her ugly a pig and looks like a man.

unknown 43:59

And I

SPEAKER_00 44:00

Read it, and this was after I'd had yet another discussion just a few weeks prior with my agent and manager about please don't send me stuff like this. And I read it and I was like, I've I felt like, is this a deliberate fuck you? But I didn't immediately respond like it was. Initially, I wrote an email to them and I said what I said what I just said here. I said, this is what the character is called by in the script. Um, I don't please, I think it's better if you don't send me any auditions at all. I don't ever want to see anything like this again. So very um clearly I'm upset, but not I'm not being a bitch about it. I'm just saying I I don't ever want to see anything like this again. And so please don't send me any more auditions. And then my agent wrote back and said, We didn't actually read a sorry, I shouldn't say your name. Can you ble just beep out that one? My manager was out of town, and her assistant was the one who had read it and sent it to me. My agent said, Your manager's out of town. I didn't read it either, but if I had, I would have sent it to you because this is a really good project that a bunch of your comedy peers are auditioning for. Not the part that I was auditioning for, but that they're auditioning for the project. And I wrote back and I it something about that spun me into the fucking so what I realized later, because it's something that happened repeatedly over the next year, is it it triggered uh PTSD where all of a sudden my heart was racing, I felt physically numb and stunned. And it was and this is not about my agent and manager. They they they didn't cause this. Um, it triggered an old thing of humiliation and shock, and because of experiences I had growing up of this kind of thing over and over again of someone dil deliberately hurting you and and not caring how you feel and being flippant about it. And that so that's what it felt like. That's not what they meant to do, but it's what it felt like, and it triggered this physical reaction and this emotional feeling of it's happening again, except I'm not gonna fucking take it. I don't, I do not have to take this from anybody anymore, which is a stage, it doesn't sound great to be around. It is a stage of recovering from trauma um with complex PTSD, there is a stage of recovering from it where you become you become like a walking volcano. If someone does something to hurt you and it triggers a feeling of what has happened over and over in the past, you just there's something in you that goes that was is finally like, no more, not gonna take this from anybody ever again, which is a is a legitimate feeling to have, but it's not great when it comes out at people who didn't plant it there inside you, and they didn't, but they were being callous bitches about sending me an audition that was like, hey, we want we casting can't wait to see you audition for the role of ugly pig who looks like a man, and we can't wait to see it. And we thought of you, we saw this fucking old battle axe ugly bitch with a pig face, and we thought we gotta get Martha on tape for this. Like, that is mean if I've already expressed that I don't I can't handle that kind of stuff. I'm not that kind of actor who can be like, oh, this isn't I know my value. I don't, I have trauma, I don't know my value, or I do, and I've correctly assessed that it's not a lot of value, and I'm gonna come out swinging at anybody who reminds me that I'm low value. That is not nice. And my first reaction was to not be a bitch about it and to say, just please, this is upsetting. I I don't ever want to see, and then for her to be like, Well, actually, I would have sent it to you even if I had read it, because and I was in a sprouts, I remember, because I remember holding my phone in the in the produce area with my heart fucking racing and not really paying attention to how physically fucked up I was suddenly feeling, but just like angrily typing on my phone, and I'm just really you know what, because I'm already talking about it, I'm gonna read you I am gonna read you the um just the the unhinged ones that I said because um that I sent because uh because it is a little funny how fucking crazy I went. So okay, here so she said my agent said, you know, I would have sent this anyway because it's a great project. Your peers in comedy are auditioning for this project. So then I, standing in the sprouts, typed the fact that you're saying if you had seen it, you would have flagged the pig line and asked me to audition anyway shows that you don't understand where I'm coming from at all. And then before she could respond, I um I'm sorry. This isn't this is crazy. I'm admitting this is crazy. Before she could respond, I got matter and matter and matter, and I wrote another one to her. So on this email thread was my agent, my manager, my manager's assistant, and two other people I don't even know. It was five people, two of whom I did not work with at all, and they're reading all of this. So I had said the you don't understand where I'm coming from, didn't get a response, wrote back, literally, quote, could you please stop sending me auditions for characters described as ugly, end quote, and your answer is quote, ha ha, no. And then in all caps, I wrote, you are all fired. I fired two people I didn't work with in all caps on this email. You are all fired. I no longer have an agent or manager. I wish you weren't involved in the project, I'm not gonna name, because you literally were the opposite of helpful in getting me that part, which is also true. I didn't even go into that. So I fired them all in all caps except two of the people that I fired. These these were these this is like if you were walking down a sidewalk and three people started punching each other and you walked by and somebody hit you with a stray. It was absolutely unhinged. Anyway, that's how I um now on the Patreon, I'm gonna read the text messages I sent to people in my old AA group. I'm gonna say there's some, there's some calling people fake ass bitches in those text messages, and in another text group text calling them mean high school bitches and ghouls. I called them fucking ghouls. I'm gonna read it all on the Patreon. Partly because I think I love I love gossip, I love unhingedness, I love messy shit. Um, and I hope that other people do too, and that you'll be like, I want to hear what this wacky broad said to her old AA group. And part of it is also an attempt at self-protection, which is that it really felt overwhelming how many people started following me because of Euphoria season three. Yeah, overwhelming in a good way, but like my my TikTok went from I think it was around at most 90,000-ish followers before episode one of season three of euphoria came out in April of this year, and then every week it was like thousands more, and it topped out at 557,000 followers, and even even um recognizing that untold thousands of those could be bots or people who follow because of euphoria and then never look at my content again, it still is a lot more visibility than I've ever had on social media. And I want to unload and reveal what an unhinged rabid bitch I'm capable of being now, so that anyone who wants to jump off, get off board, let's do it now instead of six months from now when I'm making like $500 on Patreon. Um I will say again though, in the past three years from when I sent the email firing people who didn't work with me to now, I'm seriously for 2023, there was there were several months where I was going to um 2023 and 2024, there were chunks of time where I was going to therapy almost every day because I was in in an intense mental health crisis with complex PTSD and depression. Um and that made a difference. And also I will say it is hugely fortunate that I had the resources to go to therapy that much. And I'm really lucky I met my therapist when I was young. She's a gifted therapist I met in my early 20s, and even though I didn't stay in therapy consistently over the years, between then and now, we we always stayed in touch. But during the the period after I crashed out and fired my agent and manager, I was going sometimes six days a week and then tapering down to like four, and now I go three to four times a week. So I'm and I I mean I crashed out again this past Tuesday, but not at anyone, at myself, but um, but also on the Patreon I'll talk about getting in a cuss out with one of my neighbors in my old neighborhood where we called each other cunts, and then the day the last time I saw him, because it has a happy ending with that guy. The last time I saw him, um, he had he was had headphones on and I flagged him down and I said, Hey, we're moving. He had dogs, and I had a dog. We're moving, and if I don't see you again, it was great knowing you. And he said, Yeah, yeah, we'll miss you. So, but that relationship started with me yelling at him for kind of no reason, and then him calling me a con, me calling him a con. Anyway, I wonder how much how long I've been talking.

unknown 56:31

An hour.

SPEAKER_00 56:32

Oh my god. Okay, well, okay, so I'm gonna um I'm gonna tell the other read some more text messages in the Patreon, talk about that neighbor, the unhingedness, and um maybe talk a little bit about the food cult that I was in. I'm sorry I didn't read listener email, but I will do that next move next week for the main pod. I'll I'll write out some answers ahead of time and have it organized. So anyhoot, um, if you're listening to this, I would love it if you didn't reach out to my old agent or manager and tell them that I talked uh shit about them on this podcast. But at the same time, I don't exist to them anymore. And I guess and I and I don't I also don't have a job right now, so I can't lose a job. And I ultimately feel like um I might not be cut out for show business, I might not have the mental and emotional makeup, psychological makeup to be able to go with the flow of transactional relationships. Um so if I never get another acting job, I will feel bad for my current agent and manager. My current manager is someone I would want to be friends with even if we didn't work together. I love her to death. And I would hate to have ruined her chances of me ever getting another job, but it's for the pod. And my whole life now, as a virus, my whole life now is just about survival. So I'll see you on the flip flop, and thank you for listening.