Friends Of The Opposite Sex

Can men and women really be "just friends," or is there always the potential for something more?

In Episode 2 of Black & Muted, hosts Cee, Dillz, and Shanice dive into one of the most debated topics in modern relationships: friendships with the opposite sex. From trust and boundaries to jealousy, respect, emotional connections, and social media, nothing is off limits.

Is it healthy to maintain close friendships with someone of the opposite sex while in a relationship? Should your partner have a say in who you're friends with? When does a friendship cross the line—and are those lines different for men and women?

Expect honest opinions, challenging perspectives, relatable stories, and the kind of unfiltered conversation that gets people talking long after the episode ends.

At Black & Muted, we're here to unmute the conversations that matter.

💬 Join the conversation in the comments:

• Can men and women truly be just friends?
• Would you be comfortable with your partner having a best friend of the opposite sex?
• Where do you think healthy boundaries should be?

🎙️ Hosted by: Cee, Dillz & Shanice

Say it. Think it. Discuss it.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:16

Hey, what's happening guys? We're here with another um episode today. We're gonna talk about having friends of the opposite sex. Interesting topic indeed. Um I mean let's get let's get straight into it, I guess. I mean, how how do you feel about that subject? How does it feel to you? Um okay, let me just be a little bit more if you have sort of partners, how do you feel with your partners sort of having you know a close friendship with um the opposite sex?

SPEAKER_00 0:54

I don't have any issue with it. As as long there is as long as there's like no history there or do you get what I'm saying? What about when there is a what do you mean by history though?

SPEAKER_02 1:05

Like what there's a problem.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

When you say history, like what do you think they used to be together, see each other, whatever. That kind of history.

SPEAKER_02 1:17

What's the issue with that though? What's the what's the problem?

SPEAKER_00 1:20

I think there's a thin line. Like some people they come out of relationships and they they actually want to be with that person still. Do you know what I'm saying to you? Or there's still chemistry there, or there's still sexual attraction there, or whatever. Do you know what I'm saying to you? Like remember, this is the person that you're venting to and you're telling everything to. Do you know what I'm saying? So you're intimate like that, and if you had that other intimacy as well, it's a problem, I think. It could be a problem.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

Well, if it's like a it was something that happened in the past, you know, they've they've moved on since then, you know, life's happened, and but you know, they stayed friends, they've maintained a friendship. They was close, they was cool, and if they were mature and were like, Yeah, I respect that.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

And obviously, it depends on the type of person you are as well. If you're like, do you know what I'm saying to you? You're like free willy, like then it's do you know what I mean? If it's not a problem to cheat or whatever, you know, but if you're a mature person and you're like and you've moved on and she's moved on, then I don't see an issue with it. Do you know what I'm saying to you? But yeah, if there's still like questionable things going, like, do you know what I mean? Feel is that yeah, then it could be a problem.

SPEAKER_02 2:37

What about you, Shan? How do you feel? How do you feel about that?

SPEAKER_05 2:43

I personally don't mind just as long as it's not disrespectful in any way.

SPEAKER_06 2:48

And I also feel like having history isn't the worst thing because sometimes that intimacy you did have whilst you were romantically involved can transform into an intimacy that helps that person protect you and keep you calm as you navigate a friendship. Does that make sense? Like I feel like it doesn't bother me if there's an intimacy there, but it's more so if there's disrespect there.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 3:16

You know what I mean? Like you said, if there's certain things happening that's just like what do you want to be with them? Yeah, then that's when it's just like a conversation because also I don't know, I don't feel like for me, you have to be with just one person. You know what I mean? So it's like a sister wife. Yeah, or can you take a sister husband? I mean a brother husband, are you the type?

SPEAKER_02 3:45

So you're you so sorry to and I agree on what you mean by that by that, sorry, just because what are you trying to say?

SPEAKER_05 3:54

You don't mind I don't mind them being friends, I don't mind opposite gender friends.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

You don't mind it no if they if they had history and they moved on your your pool. No. Yeah. But then what okay then so to delve into what you're saying, like so what would be what would you consider sort of disrespectful? Obviously, we know it's obvious disrespect. Lying lying.

SPEAKER_06 4:18

Yeah, like if there is more happening and that's not being communicated, because that crosses into a bound of cheating. And people can simply avoid cheating with not lying. You know what I mean? You have feelings for someone, say you have feelings for someone. But the moment you're hiding your messages, the moment you're you know, I come in the room, you're putting the phone down, you act like you don't talk to that person, that's when I have a problem because who are they? Do you know what I mean? But otherwise, no, transparency heals a lot of things.

SPEAKER_02 4:50

Yeah, no, agreed. Agreed, yeah. For me personally, I'm gonna be honest with you, like I don't really I don't really mind it in it. Like you basically said what I was gonna say. As long as there's transparency there, as long as you're transparent about what it is, I'm I'm good in it. I'm quite I'm quite fair in it. But one thing about me is I'm I'm a fair person, innit? Like if you just if you be straight up with me and just say it what it is, then can't be take it for anything else, innit? Um you trust your partner. Yeah, I trust my partner. I have female friends at the end of the day, like I've got females that I am close with. Um so I can I understand that that dynamic can be there, in it. But again, one thing about me is like anyone that I'm seeing or anyone that I'm chatting to, anyone I'm in a relationship or whatever, they know who my female friends are. They know and they understand that. Do you get what I'm trying to say? I'm not I'm not afraid to mention their name. I'm not afraid to tell a story that involves them. I'm not if they call me, I'm not afraid to have a conversation in front of you. The same way I'd have a conversation with my male friend. I the way I don't see it as male or female, it's my friend.

SPEAKER_03 5:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:54

So the same way how I would be with maybe Joe, the same way I'm gonna be with Jane because it's our that's our friendship. So that's how I see it. Again, the issue for me comes with like when there's lies. Or one thing about me, one thing about me that I like that I say when I'm seeing a girl, one thing about me I like to cut, I keep it 100. I don't like to do all of the like, don't say it's your friend, and it's not that you see with me, I feel like the term friend gets thrown out very loosely. Yeah, and I feel like people need to establish that there's a difference between someone being your friend and you being cool with somebody, or someone being cool, and you lot are around each other, you hang around each other, you lot are in similar circles. There's a difference, and I feel like people mistake that. Don't mistake that that somebody that you may um chat to often or you kind of may be around. So you don't mistake that for your friend. Because at the end of the day, when that is not there, are they there for you? When you're really going through what you're going through, can you contact that person? So, what's not gonna happen is don't try and say that that's your friend, but then I'm not seeing friendship things happening.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:08

Why are you not why is okay then why has this is your friend? Why has your friend never ever done a like a surprise party for you? Why has your friend never ever just had a party for you? Why have you never ever gone to none of these friends? Well, if they sit little things like that, why have you not even just on a normal day just gone to meet up if that's what you do with friends, right? Yeah, you don't just talk on the phone or just entertain and then try to label like for me, just be clear of what it is. Yeah, because when I'm telling you that this is my friend, it's my actual friend. Yeah, I wouldn't introduce somebody, what they're not. I'd rather just say that, yo, this is so and so, you from around the way, or yeah, we know each other, yeah, cool, we hang out, I'd leave it as that. You know the dynamic. If I'm coming to you and saying this is my friend, I'm my friend, and that's all that it is.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

So, what if you find yourself in a situation?

SPEAKER_02 8:01

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_00 8:02

What would you do? Like, if if she has if she's got a friend who ain't really her friend, and she maybe had a history with them, or you know that she likes them, how would what would you do in that situation if she was like, I don't care, I'm still gonna see attitude is a big figure.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

You know what? It's about the it's again, it's about the the dynamics. Like, I want to see how you look at when you're around each other. If it's I I I'm I'm not I'm not an idiot, so I will be able to pick up on weird energy. Yeah, do you get what I'm trying to say? I'll be able to when there's shuffling going on, I can tell that there's shuffling, I can tell that it's weird, you know. Respectfully, I've also been in that situation. Do you know what I'm trying to say? I might be here and that might be being called a friend, but like the I So for me, it's like I'm not dumb. But what we're not gonna what we're not gonna do now as adults is we're not gonna lie. Let's just call it for what it is. So if this is just someone that you know you lot see each other from time to time, you're not like that, but you see each other from time to time. Don't say that's your friend. Just say that this is somebody that I see from time to time. Call it for what is it's not your friend. Because if you are going through something, are you gonna go to that person? You get what I'm trying to say? Are you gonna go to that person or not?

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Yeah, you get me, and I'm speaking that you can tell that I was saying that I was saying we've passed that point and you know the situation, but and they're like, I don't run.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

Then for me, that's fine. You can keep that person, but you can't be with me then. You so you can't be with me, you can't be with me under the capacity that you want.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

It's a crush, do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 9:50

That's cool, but you can't be with me under the capacity that's not in a relationship if that was your situation.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

Um I don't know. I'm gonna be honest, I haven't been there. Do you know what I'm saying to you? Or I haven't cared enough. Do you know what I mean? Like, you so um, you're giving cold. I'm not, I'm just I'm just an Aquarius.

SPEAKER_03 10:17

I don't like that stigma on Aquarius.

SPEAKER_00 10:19

It's no, do you know what? Yeah, um, I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. I haven't I've I don't I've never been in a situation like that. Do you know what I'm saying to you? I think I always try to keep things open and communication. I know that's such a do you know what I mean? But it's true if you can't actually outright say okay, so like how do you know each other and what's your relationship? And do you know what I'm saying to you? Then yeah, it's a bit weird, isn't it?

SPEAKER_06 10:49

Yeah, it's yeah, it's a hard one. Question marks, yeah. So are any of you open to like polygamy? Why are you laughing?

SPEAKER_02 11:00

That's a that's an interesting question. Sounds like you would be, I think I'm a little bit more traditional in a sense, you know.

SPEAKER_04 11:16

It's a tradition somewhere.

SPEAKER_02 11:19

Um, yeah, no, I'm not really. I'm more kind of like a yeah, like I feel like one wife, you know. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 11:26

So you're a one lady type of guy.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

I feel like you should have one wife. Oh, you're a one lady type of guy. You've been a one-lady type of guy. Yeah, I'm I'm a one lady type of guy.

SPEAKER_04 11:41

Um you cheat.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

I'm a one-lady type of guy.

SPEAKER_04 11:43

No cheating.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

I would be lying. I'd be lying, isn't it? Like I'd be lying. So let's move on to things when we're younger, innit? Do you get what I'm trying to say?

SPEAKER_06 11:50

So how how young were you when you cheated?

SPEAKER_02 11:54

Uh you trying to jump. Yeah, but very, very, so when you cheated, right?

SPEAKER_06 12:03

Did you have an emotional connection to the other person?

SPEAKER_02 12:05

No. But let's be honest with how you did it. Because because, like, I'll be honest with you though. It my come up is different though. Like, again, it's also how you come up. Do you get me? Like, when you're around your friends and that, like, you're just doing it and sex is not really seen as like an um an um, it's not an emotional attachment. And if I be honest with you, let me be let me be real in it. You see me, how I lost my virgin virginity, like I didn't lose my virginity in a being in a relationship or being with someone, yada yada yada. I lost my virginity to just like you know, just someone. So I so my first kind of like experience with sex wasn't through emotional connection. So I don't tie I don't tie that kind of emotion to sex. I can have sex divided because my first experience with the So you didn't like this person at all?

SPEAKER_06 12:57

There's nothing about them that was actually intriguing. So why you did it? Because I just didn't know.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

I'm talking about the time you cheated. Oh, the time I cheated. It's a polygamy. Yeah, but the time I cheated. Because if you it's just again, when you're young, you it's like you're you're when you're kind of like, you know.

SPEAKER_06 13:19

Did you like them or not?

SPEAKER_02 13:22

Obviously, you did. Obviously, I did.

SPEAKER_06 13:23

So what did you like about them?

SPEAKER_02 13:24

Just probably just physical attraction. I don't really like attracting girls unless there's a physical attraction. And this is a physical attraction. Just for the sake I'll be honest for the sake of it, especially when you're younger. Like when we're younger, like I said, I'm not attaching the emotional side to it. So it's more of not you, I don't want to say it's sport, but it's just more that we're just doing it. What about you see? You see girls, you just do it.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Sorry, I just thought, sorry, I just thought that was such an escapegoat thing. I didn't want to go there publicly. I didn't attach emotions.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

Be more direct than is what you want me to say. That's what's what I feel like.

SPEAKER_06 14:04

I want to know while you were in a relationship, yeah. Did you value the person you were with?

SPEAKER_02 14:08

Okay, thank you. That's a different question that you're asking.

SPEAKER_06 14:10

No, no, no, no, no, because it's still valid to the point of did you actually like the person you cheated with?

SPEAKER_02 14:14

I did value angle. I did value.

SPEAKER_06 14:16

Do you get what I mean? Like if you value who you're with, that's that's standard.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

You should I did value the person.

SPEAKER_06 14:20

So you have capacity to have emotional attachment, you have capacity to value beyond physical attraction. Of course. That's my point. So when you had intimacy at that point with another person, you're gonna tell me you didn't like them beyond just like beyond the physical?

SPEAKER_02 14:36

It's hard to say. More likely I did, didn't it? Do you get what I'm trying to say? Because that's how that's how you do things, isn't it? You like the person.

SPEAKER_06 14:43

So if you did like them, would you ever have a dynamic in your hypothetical world where you could have had that person and that person together?

SPEAKER_00 14:51

Was she friends?

SPEAKER_02 14:52

Have my cake and eat it. Oh did you say it's like I said, I don't think.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

So how did you know her to like her?

SPEAKER_02 14:59

Huh?

SPEAKER_00 15:00

How did you know her to like her? How do you like her?

SPEAKER_02 15:02

She's from the from random way, isn't it? Like these aliens, they're not from planet Earth. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so back to I'm not open to polygamy.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

Um I don't know. Once upon a time, I was like, hell no, like that, it would never happen. Yeah, um I don't know. I feel I'm not, I wouldn't, I'm not saying that I'm open to it, but my I can understand why people do it.

SPEAKER_06 15:35

Yeah, girl, are you open or not?

SPEAKER_00 15:36

No, I can't and like I mean other cultures as well. Like I can respect why they do it, but do you know what I'm saying? Are you open or not? Probably not. So still not open, probably like yeah, more than like 90% or not. What's the 10%? Just the like the traditional no no no, you said 90%. I mean 10% that means a probably no, I'm just more open-minded to it now because where I was before, I was like, no, wait, but now I understand why certain people like there's different reasons to make you are into it. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 16:15

Yeah, so that's what makes you more open now than before. What do you value within the setup?

SPEAKER_00 16:22

I know quite a few women that are co-wives. Yeah. Um, so I've seen the ugly and the really, really beautiful side of it, and I love that they have they become sister wife, do you know what I mean? They become their sisters, they can lean on each other. And obviously, that doesn't always happen. There's like I said, there's an ugly side to it, but I think that's so beautiful that you I think so, you know what I mean? Like your kids have got more mums and yeah, and you have balance, yeah. And everyone has a different relationship with their kids as well, but it's still a motherly do you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_06 16:58

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's committed as well. I think a lot of people think like polygamy is just like when you're wanting to be with more people intimately, it's actually commitment. Yeah, so it's committing to other people fully, and that's a beautiful dynamic when that happens like that. But it's nice that you're open because I feel like when you commit to one and you want to commit to two, some people can't even commit to the one, and then they want to take on two, goes there, but sometimes taking on two will feel a bit more uh doable than the one because some people won't commit to one because it's like I I know I need beyond what just one person can bring to me. Greedy, basically, it's not greedy, it's just it's honoring. No, it's not very good. They want more, they want more.

SPEAKER_02 17:41

It's honoring your needs, he's giving you everything, but you want more, babe.

SPEAKER_06 17:45

It's honoring your needs, it's being real to your nature. What's your needs? Okay, for example, I have someone who is very emotionally intelligent, able to connect with me spiritually, able to really get you know to the root of things that I'm going through, help me through that process. There's there's someone that connects with me deeply, their possibility, right? And then there's someone else who that also connects with me deeply, but they may be more outgoing than the other person. They might be a bit more spontaneous, they might be someone that you can lean upon in just like random moments a little bit more, or they bring more security, for example. That is maybe I deserve it all, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

But that's fair enough. Listen, cluck it, cluck it, girl. Yeah, period. Basically, but um, like, but don't you feel like okay, then cool. Don't you feel like that person that you may have the the what the first one or the other don't you feel like you can the stuff that you kind of want, yeah, or still feel like although that yes, they're there for you to your capacity, there's still that more that you need. Don't you feel like you can kind of kind of express that to them?

SPEAKER_06 18:53

Yeah, but what if you express it to them? It's just not their nature. It's just that for example, they're just not spontaneous like you.

SPEAKER_02 19:00

Then like some then maybe you have to maybe look at that person's not for you, then in it. Because you don't have all the qualities. They're for me, they're just not making it.

SPEAKER_06 19:18

I don't like Red How I think okay. Let's not let's not overlook compatibility then, right? Because someone can really be for you, but there's just other aspects of yourself that don't align with who they are. That doesn't make you greedy to then require beyond what that person is capable of and actually have it as well. And like we said, it can be very healthy to be like why do men even have multiple wives then? Should we should we assess that? Because I guess it's a very foreign idea for women to want to have multiple partners, but it's really like having multiple friends that offer you different things at different times. And do you know what I mean? Like, you know, you can go for to this friend because we can go to the club, this other friend we can go to the church, or this other friend we can go to the to the friggin' down the river and do something else, you know what I mean? So it's like it's having people that cater to every aspect of you, but coming together as a unit. So realistically, it might sound greedy, but what about men then that go for multiple wives? There's obviously multiple qualities within multiple women that they they require, and they're deserving, so women not deserving of the same.

SPEAKER_02 20:37

I feel like in this, like what people would consider quite a male-dominated society, problematic. I just feel like that's another one of those things that's just put in place to um cater to um male desires.

SPEAKER_06 21:03

I'm trying to be confessing that men have a natural desire for polygamy, then they do monogamy? Is that what you're confessing about men?

SPEAKER_02 21:14

Okay, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna say anything because I can't speak for men in it. Are you saying, Mr.

SPEAKER_06 21:19

Menabumas, that you have a low-key desire for polygamy?

SPEAKER_02 21:23

Um I'm not saying I'm not saying I'm not gonna speak for men. Me personally, no, because again, I just see myself one woman, I can't do two, three, four.

SPEAKER_00 21:29

So if your woman comes to you, it's like, um, let's go and get a sister wife, like, what are you gonna say?

SPEAKER_06 21:34

If she requested that, what are you gonna say? Nah. Okay, because think of it like this, then. Say, for example, actually. Because you know the other thing is it's balance. Like, say, for example, you have partners who are all business oriented, yeah. A lot of the time, if you're just with one person, you may not get to see that person a lot of the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then if you have another person who's maybe staying at home. More, then that person can take up for a lot more of what that other person won't be able to do. Do you know what I mean? So the emotional things that we say that can be misaligned with men and women, that person might be that person more than the other. But then that person is still that person in their own way. However, the energy goes into many other things. So then you need someone maybe that can pick up for you when you just want a meal cooked, or you know what I mean? But it's not that you have them for that strict purpose, but they're that person, they're that nurturing body, they're that home-loving, home creating. You know what I mean? They're the homemaker and someone else might be more of a go-getter, but that doesn't mean they're both not compatible for you. So would you not have them both?

SPEAKER_02 22:39

But not to the degree where like their sister wives.

SPEAKER_06 22:42

So you wouldn't be married to them, you'd be kept you wouldn't be committed.

SPEAKER_02 22:45

Not to you marriages.

SPEAKER_06 22:46

So you're about to cheat again.

SPEAKER_02 22:50

I just feel like when I'm when you're when I'm kind of ready for that one person, it would just be that one person, and that's it. That's all that my mind will be focused on.

SPEAKER_05 22:57

I'd love to see the day for you.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

Do you get me? The day is now. The day, the day is right now. Do you get me? Um covet.

SPEAKER_06 23:07

That means yes.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

No covet, don't comment, don't cover it. But no, okay, do you know, yeah, but okay. Let me like I don't know the numbers around this whole polygamous thing. Yeah. Um, but what I would say is, is it something that is it something where more men are sort of polygamous in terms of multiple wives, or is it a thing where there's like polygamy are kind of polyangia, I think it's more when women have been, yeah. And is that a is what I mean? I'm not in and around, I don't really know much on that, but is that something that like is more common? It is common, but it's not spoken of as much as monogamy.

SPEAKER_00 23:43

Um there's a town, there's a si a town in Benin. I know that they that's how they live. That the woman has multiple husbands.

SPEAKER_02 23:52

Multiple husbands.

SPEAKER_00 23:53

And um, I think it's a Sahara somewhere as well. There's a lot of people.

SPEAKER_05 23:57

It's common for people, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:59

Okay, do you know what I'm gonna need to find out the numbers on that because again, I'm just trying to more, I'm trying to more so go towards the point that I'm trying to say that it's just another thing that I feel like is just putting like putting pay for kind of males and just kind of just things that entices them, you know, multiple women. That's a that's a fantasy for a lot of men to have multiple women. So imagine being in a society where you know it's legal, but legitimate.

SPEAKER_06 24:20

No, but then okay, see, like I said, it's not about sleeping with multiple women because you can do that any time in your life, it's commitment to multiple women. Now, not many men would desire having to fund the lives of multiple women, keep them sheltered depending on the type of people. Not many men are actually open to the duty that comes with then making sure you're loving both of these women. So I don't think it's something that people would do just because of desire, unless they're doing it to a low standard, if I'm honest. Do you get what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 24:51

I agree.

SPEAKER_02 24:51

I hear what you're saying, but then okay, then cool. When you look at like when you look at most cheating situations, yeah, again, nine times out of ten, what is it that's happened? They've ended up, you're with someone, but then you get caught up with this person that you're seeing, and it gets too serious, and then they become your mistress or whatever, and then it's just that is technically you are technically in the two relationships.

SPEAKER_00 25:13

Yeah, absolutely technically in two relationships. You're just lying. Yeah, it's the lies that that separates it because when you're you're actually going to marry two different women and provide for them, she needs a house, she needs a house. You get it? Like, yeah, yeah, that's completely different, but you're lying, that's where the hurt comes in, and all the other things.

SPEAKER_06 25:33

That's when I've been betrayed, yeah. I cannot trust you again. It becomes a very devastating situation opposed to when you're just open about you know what, I've taken a liking to a new person, and it doesn't even have to be to the extent of because you don't know, like when you first meet someone, you don't know off the back if that's gonna be someone who you end up with. You just know you might find an attraction to them. So, like again, it goes back to friendship. It's like in in the relationship, is there a foundation of friendship enough to then be like, you know what? I met this person today and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You know what I mean? And if that's there and that safety ground is there, then you kind of prevent a lot of cheating. Because also, for me, for example, I understand that attraction doesn't always mean sex. It actually doesn't always mean it doesn't mean anything. Like, I find you attractive, you're gorgeous. I find you attractive, you're gorgeous. Do you know what I mean? But at the end of the day, that doesn't mean that there must be some type of intimacy that follows from that. It's just simply seeing you, my energy recognizes you. It's it's it's it's do you know what I mean? It's it's a beautiful encounter of your energy and mine, not necessarily appreciation more than anything else. But if you can't really communicate just that, that's when you can go to cheating. Because some nine times out of ten, you might find that that mistress might not be someone that you want to even be with, but you ended up being so hush-hush and so like suppressed otherwise. Do you get what I mean? Do you get what I mean? Like it just ends up happening because it's the thing to do next, but not necessarily because you took time while you're with someone else to see if you really like the person. The right thing. Do you get what I mean? Like you just went with it. So I think, yeah, friendship is a is a beautiful ground for many things. That's why I welcome all friendship.

SPEAKER_02 27:10

Okay, let me ask you a quick question like to bring it back onto the topic of like having male friends and female friends. Yeah, like, would you feel comfortable if your partner was sharing certain things about certain aspects about your relationship, personal aspects that you may feel like you know he shouldn't really divulge with another woman or another man, depending on who your partner is and what where the opposite sex and friends lie? Would you feel okay with that? With the brethren, like the fact that you're talking to your female brethren about me.

SPEAKER_06 27:44

Yeah, I think it depends on the degree of friendship again. Because before, say, for example, you've been friends with this year's friends with this person for years, beyond you knowing me, maybe from childhood. There's valuable grounding for why you would go to that person with our personal issue, and I think that's healthy because you need your own outlet anyway. So that's how I feel.

SPEAKER_02 28:09

So you wouldn't really mind.

SPEAKER_06 28:11

No, I feel unless that person is running their mouth and talking my business or talking down on me whilst you're venting to them.

SPEAKER_02 28:19

But that's what friends do sometimes, though. They like what about if she what about if she or he agrees though with what they're saying?

SPEAKER_06 28:25

Then that's fine. Like if you need another perspective, or you need to hear correction, even I would hope that the friend is this type of friend. They can correct you, or they would say, you know what, you're right, but try this in a different way because they might know you differently. Then I feel like that friend has value being there. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:46

It depends on the type of person. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and sometimes you have a really good relationship with their opposite sex friend. Do you know what I'm saying? So if you have that, then you will know if she's kind of got if she's a girl's girl, if she's got your back, if do you get it? Like, and she's really around for you. Do you know what I'm saying? You get you get that feel, and that matters more.

SPEAKER_06 29:09

That's if her intentions are actually for us, or is it because she's trying to sabotage for her? Right.

SPEAKER_02 29:16

Yeah, yeah. I think for me, again, it just depends on like what I know your friendship to be. If you've kind of like, if I know that that's your male friend and yes, you lost relationship, then I expect that you're gonna have certain conversations, and I expect that he's gonna give his opinion as like as you know, as as the man, you know, and he's gonna make certain things that she may be saying to him, he's probably gonna understand your perspective, my perspective, and he might even understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, and he whether he agrees or not, that's the conversation that they're having. I just yeah, but as long as that's so you're cool with it. I don't, yeah. If it if it's all within the kind of that's you lot's friendship, that's you lot's dynamic, then I'm not gonna come along now and stop that. Yeah, do you get that? Because again, with my female friends, I'll be honest with you, like I do go to them to speak to them about my relationships because they're women. I feel like it's the best kind of the best time I can get a perspective is for my female friends.

SPEAKER_06 30:13

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 30:14

You know, because they would understand her perspective and they don't agree with that. A lot of the times I get into it with my female friends, to be honest with you. A lot of the times we don't really agree. Do you get me? Because we're given the opposite perspective, and I don't mind that. That's good though. Do you get me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I need to hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 30:29

That's what you that's what you need understanding of. Yeah, I love that though. That's why it's funny, yeah. Yeah, that's what friends are for, man. I like I like friends, I like friends for myself. Like, I love my friends, yeah. So for me, it's like I can just only imagine how much my partner would love their friends, and their friends are of great value to them as well. Because your friends can really stop you from climbing off a cliff, man. Yeah, we can't take it. That's important.

SPEAKER_02 30:53

Like, maybe if your friend, you know, maybe if your partner does feel a bit insecure, not too sure. Maybe do a little bit for more things like get get the friend to just come around and chill out, or just hang out, or just do something where everyone's a bit inclusive, yeah. Yeah, like so you can kind of see what it is for yourself. You can maybe even see that person becomes cool. Nine times out of ten, you end up finding out that you know, your your friend and your partner ends up becoming cool, they end up doing it. You get friends more than you, yeah. We're all kind of like, you know, we all have to do that. And that's really nice when that happens. So yeah, man. That's nice, it's true.

SPEAKER_05 31:22

Yeah, man.

SPEAKER_00 31:25

I don't know. I like how I was saying before, like, I have an experience like that, and you asked me a question, we didn't get to finish the conversation, but I basically said that my the relationship I'm in now, it was the same situation because one of my best friends is a man. So I had the conversation that you know, oh um, I might have got off the phone from him or whatever, and he was like, Who's that? And I'm like, that's my best friend. Do you know what I'm saying? And then he's then he blatantly just said, I don't like the fact that you've got a male best friend. And I'm like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you meet him, you're gonna understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when they met, he was like, Oh, like, yeah, I can see do you know what I'm saying? And I'm like, That friend is necessary, yeah. Do you know what I mean? So, yeah, and then you asked me, Would I um did you say would I be happy? Like, would you really let him like yeah, and I said he has girlfriends, do you know what I mean? So it's the intention, yeah, it's the intention, but I know him, so I know that he wouldn't. Do you know what I'm saying? He's very careful of how he carries himself and how I would feel about certain things that he would do. Do you know what I'm saying? Same way that I'm conscious of how he would feel if I did, you know, if I acted a certain way or says you know what I mean. So yeah, we respect each other, yeah. And I think that's probably where the fear came from because he didn't know we didn't know each other, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was what we saw from each other fine, like eventually, you know.

SPEAKER_02 32:54

So sometimes it's a projection as well. I won't I won't really speak in his case, but I will say sometimes, like you have you have to check that because if you have female friends, or if you have male friends, but then you have an issue with me having female friends, then you have to really check why is that a problem? Why is it okay for you to have like male friends? Yeah, what are your what you do at mind the closed doors? What's the issue here?

SPEAKER_00 33:17

Or just a control thing, you know.

SPEAKER_02 33:19

And if it is a control thing, then that's again that's already signs that you need to know that you're in a controlling situation. So understand the person you're with, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. If you're okay with that because you know you're a bit toxic, you like a bit, that's cool. But what I'm basically trying to say is understand the person you're with and understand that okay, that person, they're gonna have friends of the opposite sex, but they don't want you to have friends of the opposite sex. So if you're gonna carry on being with this person, you can't have friends of the opposite sex. Yeah, exactly. Don't now just be, oh well, you do. So I'm not, but they've basically just made it clear that they don't like that. Whether they do, wherever they do, whatever you feel is double standards, whether you feel it's hypocritical, whether you that's they've set their terms. You don't want if you're not happy with that for me, don't stay, don't settle.

SPEAKER_00 34:02

Yeah, run.

SPEAKER_06 34:04

Run like better, never settle.

SPEAKER_00 34:08

Yeah, no, that is a good point, actually. Yeah, that's scary stuff.

SPEAKER_06 34:14

It's scary, you said, yeah, scary stuff.

SPEAKER_00 34:16

Someone's trying to control you like that. Like, how far does it go because it's your friends and it's your family? Do you get what I'm saying? So yeah, be yeah, I think just having a healthy relationship in general helps that though. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 34:30

Like your round of your relationship should be a friend. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:33

Do you know what I mean? And knowing your person, knowing how you know what how they're like, how they're around people and whatnot. Do you know what I'm saying? So I think that helps as well.

SPEAKER_02 34:44

Imagine a question, yeah, being female, yeah. Whatever and not dating men, sorry, being having male friends, sorry, and they may have like female partners. Have you ever been in a situation where like their partners has been a bit maybe frosty towards you or been a bit like weird, giving weird energy, showing weird face to you?

SPEAKER_00 35:08

No, but I am a girl's girl.

SPEAKER_06 35:11

That part.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Like I'm picking her when he's so yeah, and and you know what I mean. I showed that I'm the same person that I am behind closed doors. Do you know what I'm saying? So what you get is what you see. So hopefully that will make her feel safe. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 35:29

Like I've had situations where like I've had to check like guys that are not even my friends because I know that they have girls. I'm like, yeah, babe, don't do that. Yeah, don't disrespect her. Yeah, like do you know what I mean? I know you're not gonna go to her and communicate that this is what it is. Yeah, you're you're you're playing with her hard. Let's not do that. So I wouldn't even entertain it, to be fair. That's good. Yeah, no, that's good. I don't got to somebody else.

SPEAKER_02 35:54

Yeah, I think it's a touchy one though. I have my cousin.

SPEAKER_00 35:58

What do you mean? My cousin had to lock me off.

SPEAKER_06 36:00

Lock you off? Why?

SPEAKER_00 36:03

Girl, I don't know. I don't know what this girl's thinking, but he's she's basically had to lock off his sisters and everything, but it started with his friend, and then it was me because I'm the next closest, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05 36:15

So is that is that abuse behind closed doors?

SPEAKER_00 36:18

Yes, 100%.

SPEAKER_05 36:19

100%. Um praying for cousin.

SPEAKER_02 36:22

Yeah, that's mad.

SPEAKER_00 36:24

It is, it is like run, run. It's giving run. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:30

Do you know what I don't understand though? Yeah, I really don't, I don't understand how people I don't understand how people settle, you know. I do. I don't get it.

SPEAKER_00 36:37

What do you mean settle?

SPEAKER_02 36:39

Like, if you're in a situation that you're just not happy with, like I don't I don't understand, like no, I do, no, I do get it. No, let me know. No, I do get it. I get it, yeah. I get it. Because there's I get it, I get it.

SPEAKER_06 36:52

Like if they have kids. I mean, I I personally wouldn't do it. Do you know what? I'm ready to be gone. You see, but if they have kids and all these things.

SPEAKER_02 36:59

When there's gaslighting and manipulation and things like that, I get it. You see, when things are happening overtly, I don't understand when the violation is now starting to happen like directly in front of you, like just bl just brawling. I don't understand how you now settle when it's in your face.

SPEAKER_00 37:17

There's loads of reasons being young and not having experience or not having the safe space, or you know what I'm saying to someone from experience, you know what I mean? Um, there's loads of reasons that people get in presence of it.

SPEAKER_06 37:31

That's true. Because you know what? I've once been in an abusive relationship and I didn't immediately leave. It took me like a good two months to sum up some courage to leave, and even leaving, I wasn't in their vicinity. Do you know what I mean? Because what type of abuse, if you don't mind me asking, um, they were very emotionally abusive, they were physically abusive, and obviously that's all just comes with the mental abuse as well, because then it's like trying to manipulate you into you know seeing them otherwise when it's like you've clearly seen their true colours. So um, in that situation, it took a while before it was like go, but you know what I mean? And I think if if there was another dynamic, for example, say we were married, because we hadn't been together very long, so it was kind of easier. Yes, but if we were married, we had kids, more kids, all that. More kids, all of the things that tie you to a person, I think it's harder in those situations to to not settle then. And some people, I guess another thing I've realized, like especially from people who do go through DV, I've realized how sometimes the the DV didn't actually start with that person, it started at home. Yes, so that person feels like home.

unknown 38:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 38:45

So even though we might say, Why are you settling? They're at home being with that person. Do you get what I mean? So it's it's yeah, it's a hard one.

SPEAKER_02 38:54

But okay, let me ask you a question here. So how long was you like with seeing that person? How long was you with them for?

SPEAKER_06 38:59

It was only like I think it was like seven months or so. Seven months, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:08

How long was you talking to them prior to it becoming like where it was?

SPEAKER_05 39:12

I get into relationships really quick.

unknown 39:14

I think it was like a month.

SPEAKER_06 39:21

But also, no, let's not say that because there's times there's times I've been in relationships quite quick, and it's not been any chaos. No, maybe marry tomorrow. It was the person, not the not me. Whatever. But obviously, it does make you a bit more like it makes you a bit more aware of how to get to know someone. Yeah, do you get what I mean? Because there's certain things I wouldn't have looked out for beforehand, and there's certain like cues where they was given they ain't gonna be the right one, but I didn't see it. So moving forward from the situation and being in other situations that haven't been healthy as well, it's like I've now kind of picked up an awareness for when I don't feel safe, and it's even before I'm consciously aware of why. And if that's the case, I'm just not even gonna bother. But yeah, there's instances where getting together just because we like each other that much and we're now together, it doesn't, it doesn't um it doesn't always have a bad ending.

SPEAKER_02 40:34

Would you say you're quite a confident person like in your the choices that you make? Like the choice.

SPEAKER_03 40:39

She's not there.

SPEAKER_02 40:42

No, I was thinking like I was able to just decide after one month that yeah, you know, this is it.

SPEAKER_06 40:46

No, let me tell you the the reality, the difference difference is there's two situations where I've been with people it quite quickly. Like we've been talking, then we say actually no, we want to be together. Yeah, now the first instance it was purely not just vibes, but it was also um I think just the attraction. Yeah, it weren't necessarily the substance beneath that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and then in the other instance, it was immediately substance. So then the attraction that followed was you know, it was just a beautiful romance that continued until we said that we just wanted to apart from each other. But but my point is it's not um, yeah, it's just I guess the more experience you have, the more you get to know people quite quick.

SPEAKER_03 41:35

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 41:37

Yeah. And my intuition, I know how to listen to my intuition now because also my intuition told me beforehand and I just didn't listen. Yeah, that is yeah, trust me, man. Now I gotta just cry and let go because I don't know why, but I'm doing it. Yeah. But I love love. I'm a I'm such a lover. I love love. And I if I'm in a situation with someone, I like to be like this. I like to fully emerge, like fully merge, sorry, and like, do you know what I mean? Like really hone onto the connection and just all of the wonders within it. I love to do that. So kind of like a I'm kind of like a default setup for instant, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 42:20

What's your moon signing in?

SPEAKER_06 42:22

My moon Sagittarius. Oh, yeah, but my Venus is Aquarius, so okay. Yeah, I mean I love uniquely, huh?

SPEAKER_02 42:37

That's that's a interesting terminology. Yeah. Um yeah, I mean I know again, this is one of them topics that like it's it's I feel again it depends on the person as well. Like they feel again, we're kind of we're a bit more kind of like open, we're a bit more kind of like you know, like free. We're not as kind of maybe rigid. Um I don't want to say insecure. I don't want to say insecure, I don't want to just, you know, the blanket term, but we're yeah, rigid, I'll use that better term.

SPEAKER_06 43:12

Um because it doesn't mean you're insecure if you can't tolerate friendships. There could be multiple reasons for it.

SPEAKER_02 43:16

Exactly. That's why I didn't want to use that. But um I do feel there are cases again, like where people may not be so kind of like accepting of it. And again, I just feel like it just comes down to just like understanding the person that you're with. Do you get what I'm trying to say? And then even again, like just kind of making them feel a bit more comfortable with the situation. If that is your friend and they're and they're there for the long term, then you've got to kind of make that clear.

SPEAKER_05 43:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:41

Alright, then yeah, so we're gonna wrap this one up now. Maybe that was a good topic. Maybe lots of points was um was expressed today. Um yeah, make sure you like, comment, share, subscribe. Make sure you follow on all the socials, and we'll be back again for more topics on black and muted subjects.

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Black and muted.

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Black and black and black and muted.

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