The Mom Spiral

Today we discuss the struggles of motherhood and life dealing with someone unreasonable. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, hello. Welcome back to the Hotter Than You podcast. I'm your host, Leah. How are we doing today? Happy Friday. Thank you for joining me today. How was your guys' 4th of July? Hmm? How was it? Were you guys hung over Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and Thursday? Thursday. Oh Lord have mercy on my soul. What a weekend it was for me. My 4th of July did not go as planned. Okay, it did not. I told you guys I was supposed to go to Mackinac Island, right? Yeah. Mackinac Island. That's where I was supposed to go. Um, and that got canceled. Um, reasoning has to do with somebody that I had children with, and he just couldn't follow through. He couldn't follow through. Okay. What a surprise. What a surprise that fucking is. I feel crazy. Okay, actually. Like, I feel fucking insane. Okay, because I don't like, one thing I don't like is telling my kids that we're gonna do something and then not following through. Okay. So last weekend we were supposed to go to Mackinac Island, and uh my kid's dad got hit with a child support bill. Boo fucking who! Boo fucking who! You don't even fucking live here. You don't even take care of the kids. Okay? I do fucking everything. You've never paid a bill, you've never put given me money, you've never done fucking anything. Okay? And you have to pay child support? His child support payment is less than my car payment. It's not even that much. Okay. So he canceled on me because apparently I was being sneaky and put him on child support, which I didn't even fucking know about it. Okay, I need to chill out for a sec. Okay, so yeah, so he got hit with a child support payment. Um, take care of your kids, you fucking dumb ass. Like, that's it's literally like God forbid he lifts his finger. Like, here's his finger. He can't do that. He cannot dare lift his finger and and do anything. And I think it has it's coming down to he doesn't want to do anything if I'm not with him. Like he has, it's like a control thing. I or not a control thing, like uh, um, like that's the only way he feels he's in control is if he does absolutely nothing because he knows that I'm like handling it all and stressed out. Like that's his way of like control is like just doing nothing because he knows that like it's putting me in a state of like stress because he knows I have to deal with the consequences of telling the kids we're not going, finding new plans. Um, and I just it really takes a toll on me emotionally, like more than it should. So we're supposed to leave Friday, and I found out I think Wednesday that we weren't going um because I'm stupid and dumb. That's what he said. Um, because he got hit with a child support bill I didn't know about. So I'm stupid and dumb. Okay, I'm stupid and dumb. Um, and so I'm like, okay, you know what? I'm not even gonna be mad about it. This is just it is what it is, and we'll we'll just find new plans. It's not that big of a deal. So I just stopped like communicating with him completely, and which I should have done a long time ago, okay. But when you have children involved, it's just you do everything you can to try to make it work, even if you are dealing with a mentally ill human. That's what it comes down to. He's mentally ill. There's some he's sick. Because someone in their right mind doesn't just pretend like their kids don't exist out of anger, like towards the other parent, because I don't want to be with him, but you give me no reason to want to be with you. Do you know what I mean? Like, if you gave me a reason to maybe like work this out, then maybe I would try, but there's no reason because you still do shit like this to me. And then he'll say, I'm not going, and then like completely like go mute, like silent. And he's done this to me forever. He'll he'll we used to get in like such mild arguments, and then I wouldn't hear from him for days. And I'd be like, Um, I have to work tomorrow. Are you like gonna watch your kids? And I would just wouldn't hear from him. That's abuse, that's emotional abuse, and I've been dealing with it for years, and I'm fucking drained, I'm fucking exhausted, and he doesn't even live here, and it's still going on because I am trying to be the bigger person and just allow us to have a friendship, a relationship for the children, okay? And I'm I'm done after this. I'm fucking done. Okay, stay away from me, okay? Stay away from these kids. My poor kids too are like, is dad dad coming? I'm like, nope, he's not, because he had to lift his finger. He had to lift his finger like this, so he can't do it. He can't come anymore. And God, like it really takes an emotional toll on me. I think more than I realized, because all weekend, 4th of July weekend, right? I'm the sing I'm the sole parent of a five-year-old and a three-year-old, and I am just emotionally fucking drained. Okay, like I just was like, I can't do this any fucking more. Like I'm gonna just take a breather. I have a Starbucks inject me with Starbucks. It's like it's just it goes so much deeper because you're looking at these children that are like confused and like sad, and like you have to like break the news, but still be like happy and like have a fun Fourth of July weekend when really you're just thinking like these poor fucking kids, their lives are gonna be fucked up. Okay, like there's only so much that I can do as like the single mom to like give them a good life, and god damn it, I'm going to do it. I'm gonna do my fucking best to stay strong, give them a stable, loving home, and that's all I can do. I don't have control over the other person anymore. I don't, you know, I I would like overextend myself to try to like make it work with him, even as friends, and like do things I probably shouldn't do, and I'm just like after this weekend, I'm just done. Like, I I'm sorry children. I'm sorry, kids. Like, I I just don't know what to do. Um so, anyways, our plans got canceled, and um it's fine. We had a good weekend. Um so the the third of July was on Friday, right? So we went to like a little uh party thing, and it was just like I'm emotionally exhausted, and I have a five-year-old and a three-year-old. So like they're both at this, we're all at this party, I'm alone, you know, it's which is fine. But like Brooks is like running off into the woods with like another kid, I don't know, like catching fireflies. Charlie's like riding on a four by four with like older kids, and I'm like, this is like it's like kind of dangerous. And I'm like, I had zero fun because I'm just like chasing them around, stressed out, and I'm just like, once the fireworks started, I like sat between them and that was fun. And I I I try to like show up that I'm being having fun, but I'm just not like I'm I was just tired and I just feel bad because it's like the 4th of July, it's summer, and I'm just like fucking exhausted emotionally. Um so on the actual 4th of July, we got invited to like a pool party, and I just was like, I'm not going. I'm not going. I don't have it in me. I don't have the social battery. Hold on, let me stop crying because it's like too much. I don't have the social battery. Like, even my best friend was like, Do you want to hang out? And I'm like, no, I just can't. Like, I just I don't even want to talk to anybody. So we just made like a bed, like a big bed in the living room and watched movies. I was like, I just can't. I'm sorry. At least I did one thing on Friday and brought them, you know, to see fireworks, Barota Fireworks. They were big and fun. But yeah, this is not the 4th of July that I planned. And I just need to give myself like grace because I'm kind of like juggling a lot. It's just a lot. And I also have to take accountability that like I put myself in this position. Like I did. I the red flags were there with this man. They were, and I still chose to like have children with him, which I do not regret. I do not regret my children at all. I love them. It's just everything around it is fucked up. And I'm really gonna do my best to like shelter them from everything and to just to like give them a happy childhood because they deserve it. And I'm not gonna like be a depressed mommy over it. I will not. I'm gonna have my moments, okay, and then I'm gonna pull myself out of it and move forward because that's all I can fucking do. That's all I can do, and that's all I have control of. Okay, I'm still like taking care of myself. If this would have happened to me a year ago, I would have been down for the count for like a couple weeks because I didn't have the tools, I didn't have like the mental capacity for it. Now that I'm like in this different mind space, I have my moment, I pull myself together and we move forward. It's just like quicker. Okay, it just I don't know what the word is, but I'm just angry as fuck. I really am. Like yesterday I went to Costco and I was like screaming the whole way to Costco. Like I just could I have so much anger inside of me, and I don't want to like get cancer. Like when you hold that shit in, you get diseases. You do, okay? I don't want that. I don't want cancer, so I'm gonna let it out. I'm gonna lash the fuck out. I'm gonna lash out on my way to Costco. I bet people driving by me were like, what the fuck is wrong with her? Like, is she okay? No, no, I'm not okay. I'm not okay at all. I'm unwell. And just parenting in the summer. Okay, enough about me. How are you guys doing? Moms, how are we doing this summer? Because I'm unwell. I'm already fucking unwell. Um, I have my kids in summer camp and I'm still unwell. Like, if that says anything, it's so exhausting. They test you, they test you, they test you. Like this morning, I woke up and I was like, we're gonna have a good day, we're gonna have a good morning. I'm like ready to give my kids love, patience, and understanding. Okay. And my daughter comes out of her room and I'm like, morning, Charlie. Like, how'd you sleep? She's like instantly irritated. Good. I was like, okay, what would you like for breakfast? She's like, I want oatmeal. So I make oatmeal. Or actually, while I'm making the oatmeal, she says she wants cereal. I said, Okay, I haven't like made it yet, so let me just make you some cereal. I pour her cereal, give it to her. She says, I don't want this, I want oatmeal. Okay, okay, that's fine. Let me um let me go fuck myself and then make the oatmeal. So I go make the oatmeal and then I give it to her. She says to me, I don't want oatmeal. I want cereal.

unknown 12:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

Here's the fucking cereal back. Meanwhile, meanwhile, okay, Brooks is hanging on me crying for chocolate milk. Literally pulling on my clothes crying. And I'm like, or and we're late, which is fine. Like, I honestly really don't rush them when we're late because it's like not their fault that we're late. Like it's my fault. So we're I'm still like taking my time, but that's still in the back of my mind, okay, that we're running late. Lunches aren't made and they're not ready. Okay, so I'm just like, what the fuck do you want for breakfast, my little princess? What the fuck do you want? I didn't say that, but I was thinking it. I'm shaking. I'm internally shaking because I'm just like trying not to freak out. And then I give her the cereal or whatever the fuck want, whatever one we're on at this point. Okay, and she says again, I want the other one. I give her both. I said, here's both. Just eat. Okay, so instantly I'm like already, the night, the kindness, the patience is out the window. It's not even, it's not even 15 minutes. Okay. I'm so already angry because I'm like, I I I don't understand. Uh I go in my room because I'm just so angry. Like, I don't know. It's all everything built up. Okay. It's not her, it's not her, it's not the cereal, it's not the oatmeal. It's just everything else. I go in my room, you guys. I go, I walk into my room because I'm just like, is this really 10 minutes into my morning? I'm so angry. I don't know what this was. I need to Google this. This has never happened to me, okay? My bedroom light was flickering and it's never flickered. Ever. Okay? What are the odds? I'm so enraged. I go in my bedroom and the light is flickering. Okay, it's some stranger thing shit. Okay. I almost what went into another portal because I I literally almost put myself into another portal because of my rage.

unknown 14:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

And I've just I've just been crying all weekend. I'm just tired. And if you're a mom, let me give you a hug because this shit ain't easy. This is not easy, and it's not for the week, okay? Oh, and then we get in the car, whatever, and then you know, I drop them off at summer at the at their camp. And she's like, my doll's hair isn't brushed. And she's like, I can't go in without it brushed. So I'm standing in the parking lot holding all of their shit, okay? Brooks is like in the street running around, and I'm I'm brushing this doll's hair. You guys, I can't, I cannot make this up. This was all within like an hour. And I was like, okay, like let's go to camp. I drop them off and I leave, and I'm just like, I love them so much. I do. I love them so much. But goddamn do they test me? It's like, it's like constant. And I have to remember and keep in the back of my head that I don't think they're testing me. Like they're just kids. So I need to like, because sometimes I'm like, no, like, don't play with me right now. Don't play with me right now. Like, are this can't be real. You can't be this smart to test me. But are they? Are they that smart to test you? I don't know, you guys. I don't know what I'm doing. So what I'll do sometimes is I'll go on TikTok. And my algorithm just will bring me there. Like, mom, mom talk, like we're struggling talk. And I feel bad because like the moms back in like the before the night anything before TikTok, pretty much. Moms couldn't go and just like find a place where they were like, oh, you know what? This is just normal. This shit's normal. These feelings are normal, the overwhelm is normal. The like constant state of stress. I'm like, why am I always stressed? It's the kids. It is. And we love them and we cherish them. And every you know, I I really do love being a mom. Okay, I do. But they just put the cherry on top every day. They don't, they never fail to put the cherry on top and send you over the edge. They never fail. No, they never do. And we love them for that. You know what? Like, can you God? Because I think I was like that. I love to push buttons. I still do. I still love to push people's buttons. I'll literally like do that on purpose sometimes to people. So it's just in our nature. And when you're a kid, you're just more unhinged. You don't give a fuck. Charlie this morning was like, I'm gonna fuck with her. You know what? I don't want that breakfast anymore. When I gave her the first bowl of cereal, she literally slid it across the table and said, I don't want that. Guys, let me take a breather because I'm just I'm just going off right now. Can you guys tell I have anxiety? And the coffee is not helping. It's not helping. It's not helping. Lord have mercy on my soul. Check my phone. I'm gonna ignore you guys for a second because I need a moment. Brooks is in Spanish class. See, now when I look at them, I'm like, I love you guys. I love you guys. Oh, Brooks is learning Spanish. Fucking help me. I'm gonna go get them and then crash out on them instantly. So I'm going on a date tonight. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just be dating. I have not been in a relationship in two over two and a half years. And I've been dating though. You guys know that. And I'm like kind of just have this rule where I'm like not gonna say no. I'm not gonna say no to a date because it's like I think it's healthy for me. I'm like learning, I've never really done this. I just like learn what I want. Like I can kind of just pick and choose. Like it's literally like a line of men, and then I'm like, I want you. And I was kind of thinking, like, okay, also like just to let you guys know, I know how to, is it compartmentalize? Is that the word? My life. Okay, so when I'm saying I'm dating and stuff, this is not blending with me being a parent. Like they're very separate. My kids have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, okay? Very separate. Don't think this is like bled together and they're like like they see me out with all these men. No, no, no, no, no. Never, never, never, never, never. It's very separate, okay? So I'm going out with a man tonight, and he's like kinda hot. He's like a dilf. He's a daddy, he's a daddy. And I think that's what I need to lean more towards is like dads, because they get it. Good dads get it. They understand just like the life of being a parent, and like I truly think that is what I need. Because if you're just coming into this, it's gonna scare you away. It's gonna scare you away. It's chaotic, it's crazy, it's nonstop, it's hectic, and like we need extra support, okay? And I don't know if like a guy who doesn't have kids can give that because they don't know it's not their fault, they don't know how to give that. So I'm excited. I don't know. I just get so nervous, and then I'm like, I just want to back out because I'm like, do I really care? But I'm gonna force myself to go. I don't know what I'm gonna wear. I don't know anything about him, honestly. But I know that he's cute and that he's a dad, and we're gonna go to Silver Beach Pizza, so keep your security cameras off me. Okay, keep your security cameras off me because I just I've had a rough week. I've had a rough weekend, okay? And I don't want to start crying in front of this man. That would scare him away. So what do I do? I need to like meditate all day. That's what I need to do. I need to clear my mind, okay? I have been. I've been trying to like breathe through it, cry through it. You have to like feel the emotions you're feeling, because if you just bottle them up, then you're gonna get cancer. Okay? And I I'm good at bottling things up, and I think that's why I've been crying a lot, is because I'm just like just really releasing. I'm really releasing all these things, all these feelings, all these disappointments, all these, uh so that I can like feel like a person again, and like feel like I'm I I want to be at the point where I'm ready to like date again, like truly date. Truly date, like be in a relationship, and I feel like I'm like getting ready. I feel like I am because I feel stable mentally. Um I mean I did have a rough weekend, but I handled it pretty well, okay? I think I did. I just I listened to my body and I did what I needed to do. I didn't crash out. I I mean I did, but like in a healthy way, okay? And I just was thinking, like, I love fall. Fall is like my favorite time of year. And I was like, this fall, I kind of want a boyfriend. Do I? I don't know. Do I want a boyfriend? Like, I love fall. In the last couple falls, I've and I've been single and I've been just like owning that shit. I have not been like begging for a man because if I wanted a boyfriend by now, I could have had one. Okay, I could have had multiple and I haven't. But I wanted to like, I wanted to come in like a healthy place. I wanted it to come from a healthy place. And I feel like I'm like ready soon. I kind of want to like ride the summer out, you know, kind of like just at the tail end of my my shit. But like fall, I kind of want a boyfriend. I want to like do fall things together. I love fall. I want to bring the kids to a pumpkin patch. I want to go to a haunted house together and like drink spiced ciders together afterwards and watch scary movies. I I eat that shit up. I eat that shit up. I love that shit. Like, I'll fall in love. And when I'm in a relationship, I'm actually very loyal. Okay, I am. I'm very loyal. In my past, I have it in my early 20s, but does that count? Like, I was literally a child. Um, but yeah, like I kind of been like I was closed off for a while, and then like I feel like I'm starting to like starting to bloom and like be open to that. So I don't know. I don't know, guys. So I think our time here is up. Yeah. I hope you guys just like you got nothing out of this podcast other than me like projecting my stress on you. But if you're going through something, hopefully, like you know you're not alone. Alright, if you're struggling with kids, fuck. I feel like I'm gonna die every day, so you're not alone in that either. But I love you guys. I'll let you guys know how this date goes. Maybe he'll be my fall boyfriend. Okay, I gotta go. Love you guys and stay fucking hotter than you.