Avoidant Attachment & Receding Hairlines

Transcript

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Hello, hello. Welcome back to the Hotter Than You podcast. I'm your host, Leah Hotter. How are we doing today? Happy Friday. Mommy just got back from dropping her little babies off at childcare. I treated myself to a forte coffee because I'm tired as hell. Okay, I'm tired as hell. And forte coffee right now is my absolute favorite. If you live in the St. Joe area, hit them up. However, I just hate coffee shops. Okay. I don't like the energy. Okay. It's too happy. It's too like. Good morning. Good morning. How's it going? And I just literally am like, don't fucking look at me. Don't talk to me. Like, I actually just want to wear a ski mask in there and give you a note of my order. Okay. That's the ideal. Like, or just get a drive-thru. Okay. I need a drive-thru. I don't like getting out of my car. Okay. I don't like getting out of my car. Like I have children. Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to get a five and three-year-old out and go order a coffee? Like, I'm not even gonna do that. So I only get forte during the week because they don't have a drive-thru and they're not on DoorDash. And yes, sometimes I do DoorDash my coffee. Okay, because I have a five and three-year-old. Okay, and sometimes when I wake up in the morning on a weekend, I'm like, you know what? $20 for a coffee, that ain't shit compared to what I'm about to deal with right now. Like, honestly, here's my $20. Give me the single coffee. I don't even care. And I only do that on the weekends because they're obviously home, but I'm not, I don't even need to justify it. I don't care what you think. Like, I know you bitches do it too. Okay. I know you spend $20, $25 on a coffee. I know you have. Especially postpartum. Like, nothing matters. I'm like, I don't care how much things are, I need convenience, comfort, and convenience. Okay. When people have babies, I literally buy them DoorDash gift cards. Okay, because you don't need more baby shit. You don't. When Brooks was born, I literally had the snoo, which I I did have a $1,600 bassinet. Okay, I'm sitting here saying I'm not extra. I did have a $2,000 bassinet. Okay. And let me tell you, the snoo was worth it. Okay, we slept. I don't know if you guys have seen the snoo, but it's like motion detected. It's a motion detective bassinet, okay? And it senses when your baby just even simply moves and it like shakes it. Shakes that baby. Okay. And Brooks was like kind of a rough sleeper in the beginning. And you swaddle that baby. I love swaddling babies. Like I love babies. The baby phase to me is so fucking easy. I could do that shit all day. The toddler phase. I'm not well with. Okay. I don't do well with toddlers. Okay. I love my kids. I love my toddlers. Actually, I take that back. I think I do well because I just like I don't ignore it. Like they're they're like tantrums, but I kind of just like disassociate. And I feel like that's just what you have to do. Like I don't give into it. So maybe I'm like better because I do that. I'm just kind of like, meh, you're fine. Like, I'm not. Isn't that why we have trauma though? Is because our parents didn't like um recognize our emotions. I don't know, you guys. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, honestly. But yeah, the snoo. I had a $1,600. I think it was like, how much is the snoo? Look up the snoo. Okay, I had it. And I don't remember why I was talking about the snoo, to be honest with you. Um what the fuck was I talking about? I'm so serious. Hang on. No, I like literally don't know why I was talking about this new. I'm not joking. Help me. Help me, help me, help me. I was talking about coffee. And then this is why maybe I should retire from podcasting. Maybe this isn't for me. I feel like you don't like me. Oh wait, that was actually kind of good. If you haven't seen Obsession, then you won't get it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, I can't do it. I just feel like you don't like me the way it's not mutual. This new, this new, this new. Why the fuck was I talking about this new? You guys help me. Uh minimal. I was talking about. Oh, Door Dash. Yep. Okay. We're back. DoorDash. Okay, yes. I buy people DoorDash gift cards. Yes. Okay. See, I got it. Just takes me 15 minutes. Um, yes, I buy people DoorDash gift cards when they have babies because that baby doesn't need more shit. It needs diapers, it needs a snoo, and it needs a titty, maybe. Okay. And some onesies. Okay, that's literally it. You don't, you don't have to feed them meals. Like, it's so e I'm sorry, it's easy. Like waking up in the middle of the night is the hardest part. I remember like waking up thinking, oh my fucking god, are you really awake right now? Snoo, get to work. This snoo, please put that baby back to sleep because I can't get up right now. Mm-mm. I can't do it. And that's why I did bottle feeding because I'm not doing the breast. I'm not doing the breast. I cannot have a baby sucking on me every two hours. Like I tried with Charlie. I tried breastfeeding, and my nipples were black within 15 minutes. Like I could not do it. I was like, it's it was so painful. However, the nurse said that Charlie was like crazy latching. Like she was like milky mommy. Like she was like a pro latcher. Okay, my nipples were black. I could not do it. It was so painful. So I didn't even try with Brooks. And I feel bad. I'm like, okay, I'm sorry. You don't have that milk hormone, baby. Okay, but you'll be all right. I think. I hope. And I bought like the European formula, so it's like a little better, I think, but sue me. So, you guys, this plan B that I took three weeks ago is actually ruining my life in many ways. And it made me remember why I don't take them. All right. I would rather raise a child the rest of my life than experience what I'm experiencing right now. Okay, I have cystic acne, volcanic eruptions coming out of my skin. Okay, I've been bleeding. Not period blood. Okay, it's something else. I don't know what the fuck it is. Okay, but it's gross. I've been bleeding for three weeks. Okay, I'm irritated as fuck. That's nothing new, but like it's just not helping. It's at it's at it's added irritation. Okay. And I'm just like tired. Like, I don't know. Also in the summer, I just feel like I can't go to bed. Like, I've been going to bed at like midnight one, and I'm like, can I just go to bed? Like, I'm not tired. I'm wired. Okay. And I just like love to watch reels. Like, I don't know. I'm addicted. I love me some reels. Reel it up. Like, and I just like die laughing at the comments. It's just a full experience that I can't give up. So I went to Costco on Monday. And I've been doing this thing where I've been like when I drive to Costco on Mondays, I've been like focusing on crying. Okay. I think that's a healthy thing to do is to like set some time aside, like a specific time. Like, oh, when I'm in the shower, I cry. When I do this, I'm gonna cry. Like, or just try. Okay, because it's hard for me to cry sometimes because I just like am numb. I really know how to just numb, numb my feelings. And you kind of gotta tap in, play some music, like think about the most traumatic, you know, time of your life, and like let it out. And I think it's healthy, especially as parents, because we're like constantly having to manage these emotions that like aren't even ours. And it's like the hardest task on earth. Like, literally the other day, Charlie, oh my god, this it's just so ridiculous having toddlers. But I've just been embracing it, okay? I'm not even I'm not I ain't even I'm not even mad at it, okay? Because to them, like it's their life. Like it to us, it's like, what are you even crying about? But to them, it's so big and like it's so serious to them, okay? The other day, um I was driving in the car, Charlie's in the back seat in her car seat, and she ripped off her band-aid and dropped it on the floor, okay? And she was crying, like kicking and screaming, crying, because she wanted to show me like the blood on the band-aid, but the band-aid was on the floor and she couldn't, and I couldn't grab it. So I'm up front regulating. I I mean, I don't care. That's what I'm saying. I don't care. Okay, I'm like, you're fine. It's a band-aid, baby. We'll get it when we get home, and you can show me that splatter. Okay, that brown splatter from your scab, your scabby boo-boo. What the fuck? Like when you have kids, you think, oh, like taking care of them is gonna be so hard. That's the easy part is taking care of them. Taking care of them is so easy. Okay, it's it's that shit, whatever that is. Okay, the the crying over a band-aid splatter. Okay, that it's like that constantly. Okay. Oh my god, like I want to wear these shoes with these socks, and then like Charlie, like, oh my god. Brooks took a nap in a winter hat yesterday, and I'm like, okay, like he was screaming because he wanted to wear the winter hat. And then I'm like having intrusive thoughts. Like, what if the hat like goes over his face and like suffocates him? And I'm like, I just like he's three, I think he'll be fine. Like, I don't know. I'm like, those are my battles. Those are the real life battles of parenting. Not like, oh, like how am I like let me feed them, let me change their clothes and bathe them and give them love. That ain't nothing. Okay, it's that that extra shit. So when I'm on my way to Costco, I think I'm like crying out those emotions, you know, because like your body absorbs that shit. Even if you are like kind of brushing it off, your body absorbs the energy, okay, of your kids and your family that you hate and your coworkers, and like it holds on to that stuff. And it's really important to like have moments to release it so you don't get what? So we don't get cancer. We don't want cancer, okay. It really like that's why exercise is so important. That's why like somatic healing is important, like releasing that energy. I need to do some of that tonight. This somatic, a somatic experience, and like really like dive into my body because I feel like I've been kind of tense because like my life right now is just crazy. Like, I don't even know what's happening. There's so much going on, you guys. I don't know what's happening. And I can't process it. Like, I can't process anything right now. I feel like I'm like having an out-of-body experience, you know, like after you have a child and you're like, what the fuck is that? And I'm a mom now, and who's this child? Like, and it's like hard to process. And then you're like, wait, is this my kid? Like, I don't even did I give birth to it? I don't, I don't know what's happening. That's how I feel right now. So I need to like tap, tap, tap in. Okay. I need to, I need to integrate. Okay, I need to process. Okay. I need to get my shit back together for work, okay? Because I I'm I'm coming to the end of my three weeks, four weeks of time off, and I do feel a lot better. I feel like I'm like ready to get back to work, which is exactly the feeling I was looking for. I wanted to like take the month of July off, like be bored. I wanted to be bored to the point where like I was like, I need to go back to work because I haven't felt like that in a long time. And I'm kind of feeling like that. I'm ready to like get back into it, make some fucking money, post again. I haven't posted on my skin bar account in like over a year. That is so unlike me. But you know, life is life in. And I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I'm juggling a lot. I don't know how the fuck working nine to five moms do it with like three or four kids. Like, how? How are you doing that? How are you doing that? Like, I I don't I don't know how you do it. You need like you gotta be on drugs. Like, what drugs are you on? Like, I'm so serious. Um But yeah, okay, so when I was crying during my session, my Costco session, I was kind of like thinking about my life and like my pattern. I've been like, I've been doing this for a long time. I really study myself and like recognize my patterns and like why I make certain decisions and why I do certain things. And I'm very aware of it, okay, but sometimes I still just do it. Like the bad, the bad things. And I was thinking, like, why have I always chased emotionally unavailable men? Like, why am I doing that to myself? Why am I why am I doing that to myself? So I was thinking, I mean, this is obvious. This is because we're trying to like fill a void from our childhood. And we're just we're following patterns that feel familiar, okay? Most of our parents were emotionally unavailable. Okay, they grew up in a time where they didn't know how to talk about their emotions. Okay. I still don't know how to. Okay, I'm not good at it. I'm working on it, kind of. For me, I just like to feel it and move on. Like, I don't need to talk about it. I like to just like punch a hole in the wall and move on. No, literally. And so we carry that with us in relationships. And I've been doing this for years. Okay, so all of my relationships in my life have have mostly be been with emotionally unavailable men. And I'm like trying to like close that loop, that pattern in my life, okay. And that's what I've been kind of working on. And I want to tell you guys some things that like will help you move through this, okay? Number one, and I'm no pro at this, okay, because I still did it. After my baby daddy, I immediately jumped to an avoidant man, Fatty. Fatty, fat, fatty. You guys know Fatty. If you're listening to my podcast, he was the most emotionally unavailable man I've ever been with. Deadass. He looked at me stone cold, like he had no emotions. And I was like, I'm in love with you. Like, love me, love me, love me. Pick me, pick me, pick me. I was a pick me. He actually texted me literally a couple days ago, hey, bye. Bye, Baldy, bye Fatty. I almost said you're I wanted to text him back and just say, You have a receding hairline. That's it, that's it. Not even like nothing else. Just you have a receding hairline. Like, get the fuck out of here. Do not text me, hey. You were so mean to me. You treated me like shit. And I I allowed it. Anyways. So for me, healing this wound of mine, I really had to take some time off from dating. Um, especially after Fatty. Like, I I wasn't, I never dated him, but I was like kind of like he was a side piece in my life that I was trying to like, I don't know what I was trying to do with him. I just wanted him to like want me, and then I was gonna ditch him and be like, okay, bye. That's not healthy, you guys. It's not. That's not what you do. That's not a healthy thing to do. So in that time, I was trying to heal, okay, taking time off from dating. I haven't really dated in like two and a half years. That's a long time. I've like dabbled, okay. I've dabbled. I like kind of dated this guy in Florida. Um, we were like actually we were just like really good friends, and I would like fly out there and he would send me money. Call it what you want. Um, okay, so yes, taking time away from dating is like you got you gotta take a step back. Okay, you gotta take a step back, recognize why you're doing this, um, recognize your trauma and pour into yourself. Okay, that's step one. Take a step back from these men. If this is something that you're dealing with or that you've like recognizing in yourself, we need to pause. Take a pause, take a step back, and let's just pour into ourselves. Okay, pour into ourselves. Get your ass in the gym, drink your water, talk kindly to yourself. That's a big one for me. I'm always like, you dumb bitch, you dumb fucking bitch. Like, and I'm like, you just made a mistake. It's okay. It's okay that you made a mistake. You're not a dumb bitch because you made a mistake. Okay. Yes, rebuilding your self-worth. Um, that's just huge. Like, you gotta like build that foundation before you can even like open yourself up to somebody. Um, and then start practicing. Okay, this is really hard for me to practice, like with healthy men, because I don't like it. I don't really like when a guy is like a sensitive, um, like affectionate. Like, I I don't know, it just depends. Okay, so when I first moved here, I was like dating a guy. I don't know if we were we weren't really dating, but we were like seeing each other and he was super healthy, and that just I was so bored. I was like, you actually like you are so boring to me that I can't even like be interested in you. How like where's my chase? There's no chase here because you're like you're there, but he was just so like sappy and like had a receding hairline. This is so rude, you guys. But like receding hairlines I feel so passionately about. If you approach me with a receding hairline, here's what I need you to do. Okay, I need you to back up far enough to where I can start laughing at you and you can't hear me. I know that's evil. Like, I don't care. I don't care, and I know like it is something you can help. Go to Sweden. I will pay for your Sweden trip. Get the needling in your head and come back to me when you have a full head of hair because it makes such a big difference. Do you guys know Jimmy Presnell from uh Love is Blind? He was on Love is Blind Netflix. He was not cute on the show. Okay, he was not cute. His receding hairline was literally halfway past his head, and he was like maybe a six. He has a brain, okay? He flew his ass to Sweden, okay? He got the thing done. You should you have to shave your head, you have to like look like shit for a little bit. Go do it, go hide. Okay. I don't want to see you till it's done, till that hair's grown back. Okay. Let that shit grow in. He like kind of like started working out, and now he's literally a 10. I'm not kidding. It makes such a big difference. I cannot deal with men who are like so unaware of it. Like so mean, you guys. Um so I practiced with him for a little bit and I had to let him go. I was like, this is too much for me. Like, I don't know. And I'm still a work in progress, okay? I'm recognizing the patterns, like noticing when it's uh chemistry or anxiety. Like I noticed that like when I feel anxious, I like attach more, okay. Over like chemistry. Like, I'm like, no, I like to feel that chase, like it, I like the anxiety, and I think that stems from childhood trauma. Okay, and like wanting my parent to like choose me, choose me, pick me. Um I can't even read my own handwriting. I like wrote notes, but um, oh, paying attention to action. Like this one's huge. Action, not potential, okay? Like seeing a potential in a guy rather than like, oh, you know, like he like all the things he's saying, don't nope. Literally put him on mute, okay, and only pay attention to the actions. I've gotten a lot better at this, okay? Because a guy could treat me like complete shit, and I'm like, well, like once he like actually falls for me, like he'll treat me good. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, queen. If he fucking likes you, he's going to be taking action immediately. Okay. And it's going to be so obvious that he likes you that you're never gonna question it. Okay. Just recognizing the pattern, pouring into yourself, practicing, okay, seeing patterns and only looking at action. Like, I can't even stress enough the action part over the the words. I don't even listen. I don't listen. Uh, my ex sent me this text and was like, like it was long, and all I responded was action. Like, I d I don't care what the fuck you say to me anymore. I want action. If you're not going to like do anything about like our situation, then I don't want to hear it. What are words gonna do? How are words gonna help me right now? They're fucking not. Okay. So for all the girlies out there that are chasing these unemotional emotionally unavailable cocksuckers, we're ending that right now. Okay, it doesn't feel good to live in that cycle. Okay, and then it's like it's a trauma bond. You're trauma bonding to them. And then you get addicted to these dopamine hits of like when they do give you a little bit of something, and then you're like, what you once you take a step back, you're embarrassed. You're like, bitch, is that really what I was like settling for that? For a text? Really? A text got me going. You need help. You need therapy, Queen. If you're like sitting around waiting for him to text you, bitch, block him. Immediately block him. You will fucking know when a man likes you. Like it's so obvious, okay? I cannot stress this enough. And I don't want my daughter's daughter going through this. I don't want like no. No, no, no, no. It's not cute, it's not healthy. We're not picking me girls anymore. Okay, if you like me, then it's obvious. If you're a nonchalant, chill, oh, you know, you know, let me just, you know, I got shit going on, but nope. Fuck off. Get out of my face. I don't want to talk to you. Oh my god, it's so embarrassing. Like I would literally sit around and wait for Fatty to text me, and he would text me like once a week, and it was just have sex. Ew, Leah! Leah, you need help. And I I'm I've done the work, you guys. Okay, he texted me, I did not respond. Okay, I don't feel that anymore. You have to take the time away and like really pour into yourself. It makes such a big difference. If I could read my notes better, I could probably go more into depth, more more in depth about this, but you guys get the gist, okay? Um, like we're hotter than that. We're hotter than that, okay? We're not pick-me little crybaby bitches, okay? We're baddies, okay? And you gotta weed through them. You gotta weed through them so quickly, like one red flag, and uh you're done. Like, I'm not joking. That's how quick it has to be because we're going for action. That was an action that I didn't like. Weeded, weeded off to the side, like it's that easy, okay? Maybe that's why I'll be single forever, but you know what? I'd rather be single and happy than like chasing a fuckboy. So put that in your back pocket. All right. I love you guys and stay hotter than you, and I will see you guys next week. Love you.