Don't know who you are? Welcome, you've arrived.

In this episode, Lily discusses the most forthright question of all time: 'Who am I?'. If you have been asking yourself this question: brilliant. Welcome, you've arrived. 

In this bluntly honest and ballzy episode, Lily goes deep, explaining what that question really means and explains the unexplainable. So grab your glass of water... because you are about to be handed the red pill. Let's go!

Transcript

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Everything that's coming in your life is a test to go. Am I gonna play this game like God or am I gonna show up as a victim? Wow! Like to be in that place where you don't know who you are is the start of everything. If I am actually just a field of awareness, I'm not that means that I'm actually kind of invincible. Welcome to I'm not holding back, the podcast where I am not holding back anymore. I'm not going to operate from my condition programming anymore. I am gonna step into my true, honest authenticity, and I'm going to help you do the same because you get to choose who you want to be in this life. You get to choose, and you are in this beautiful dance with your external reality, and it is showing you who you truly want to be. So everything in your life is a mirror of your internal state. We're gonna get into this stuff. So I got a message the other day from a lovely lady who I don't know, but she said, but I know she's lovely, um, because aren't we all? Um, but she said to me, I don't know who I am. How do I start? Where do I begin? I don't know who I truly am. And this is such a powerful question. This is the start of everything, guys. Wow. Like to be in that place where you don't know who you are is the start of everything. Welcome. I needed to, I should have written this to her. Welcome, you've arrived. Welcome. Because um, because yeah, this is essentially where we start to tap out of conditioned reality. As soon as you are questioning, I don't know who I am, that is the best place to start. And believe me, I've gone through that period multiple times where and it's it's usually the beginning of a major shed. And you know what happens after a shed? The well, you what you shed is the stuff that's not truly you or not truly what you really inherently want to be, and that's when you get to, you know, consciously choose. So yeah, the question of I don't know who I am is a very important question to have. And um, I had that question about eight years ago when I just was suffering from major depression and anxiety, and I just I I essentially had two routes. Like I could either go down the route of like suicide and not like ever fixing it, or I could try and get to the bottom of this, and I did everything. I literally was like, who am I? Like, I don't get like what is this? Why am I so anxious all the time? Surely this isn't me? Surely this isn't who I'm meant to be, surely these situations that I'm having with partners and da-da-da, surely this isn't me. And just as I started to ask that question, that is when my universe planted me the right people, the right places, the right things to answer my questions and help me heal. Um, so it's a brilliant place to start because essentially I don't know is the best thing ever because there's so much I don't know. There's stuff I do know, but there's so much I don't know. And when you don't know, that is when you're like fully in the unknown. You're like, oh, and that's when freedom actually happens. It's great to not know. It's great to not know what you're doing later on in the day. It's great to not know, you know, who you're gonna be tomorrow because we're constantly changing. Okay, so without making things too esoteric, because it's very hard to explain this, but I'm going to try and explain this anyway as best I can. Um, okay, so she asked me where do I start? So I'm gonna tell you exactly where I started. I started, I okay, I started with five minutes of meditation every day. That's it. I just had this, I I downloaded one of those apps. I think it was inside, like it was some sort of app that was a big meditation app at the time, and everyone was talking about it, and I was like, okay, I'm gonna just try meditating every day for five minutes, and I'm just gonna see what this is about. And it was pretty profound because after a few weeks of allowing myself to meditate, I started to feel this separation between my emotions and myself. It was like I was able to observe everything, and then that took me into a period of becoming very, very interested in meditation. I worked with a meditation teacher extensively for three years. You don't have to do this, but I did that. And I um I I I had I came from a lot of trauma. I came from a lot of fight or flight, I came from a lot of dense programming, I had a very dense shadow. Um, shadow is the parts of yourself that you're unconscious of that you don't want to look at that you're running away from. I had a lot to integrate to become a whole person. Um, and so that should just tell you if I can do it, you can do it too. Um yeah, and so this is like this is the thing. It's not, it's not like this is this is inherent within all of us. So where I would really start, and if I was um guiding someone personally, what I'd want to help you with is essentially helping you understand that you are not you. You're not you. The fact that you can even notice that you have an emotion to begin with, the fact that you can even say, I am sad, who is that I? Because you can't be what you're noticing. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, if you're noticing that you are sad or you are anxious or you were da-da-da, how can you be what you were noticing? And I used to think that I was my anxiety. I used to think that I had anxiety. Like, that's what I've been diagnosed with. I suffer from chronic anxiety. I, but still there's an I behind that. Who is that person that is noticing that they suffer from anxiety, that they are, you know, diagnosed with depression? Like, who is that I? That's what we want to get to the bottom of, guys, and that's what meditation helps you strip away and and coming into mindfulness essentially. So, yeah, look, I'm gonna be real. When I first started meditating, I could barely concentrate for three minutes. It was really hard, but I did it anyway because growth growth is a combination of discipline and grace. I really think discipline is very important because it's but it's but it's also graceful discipline. It's like meeting yourself where you're at. So let's say the if you're like, oh my gosh, meditation sounds so extreme, I don't know how to do that. You could just start by saying, you know what, every day I'm gonna do a little 10-minute body scan. That's pretty easy. Someone just guides you and they're just like focus on your head, focus on your neck, focus on your blah blah blah. That's actually pretty simple. Or if that's too challenging for you, it's like, okay, every day I'm just gonna go for a walk. I'm not gonna take my phone, and I'm just gonna try and be present in that walk. I'm just gonna notice things. And at first, you know what really helps with being becoming more present is actually speaking or talking in your brain what you're noticing. Because that helps direct the chatter. So if your brain's constantly chatting, chatting, chatting, and I have to still do this. Um, sometimes I'll go for a walk and I'll be like the ocean, the breeze. Ooh, sensation in my body. And I'm just literally calling it out as it comes. That already helps us detach from who we are. So this is so this is interesting, right? So we're getting to this crux of like, okay, wow. So who really am I, right? If you're not your thoughts, because I've just established now that you are not your thoughts, you're not your emotions, you're not what you wear, you're not even your body. Because the fact that you can even notice your body, like the fact that I'm looking at my hands and I can even feel that I have a body, who is that eye that can feel that it has a body? Who is the eye that says, I notice I have a body? Who is that eye? It's it's it's it's the it's the place that exists under under or within or through or whatever it is, it's it's it's under everything. It's it's almost like nothingness. You know what I mean? But at the same time, it's this space where everything exists all at once. This is like this is a spiritual awakening, guys. When you realize, holy crap, there is a place that all of this is existing in, and that place is nothing but everything all at once. It's it gets really trippy, and I'm trying not to make this too trippy, but essentially we're dealing with a kind of like interesting situation here because when you start to meditate and you start to tap into observation and being the observer of your reality, and you tap into what is called the field of awareness. So everything is just appearing in this field of awareness, and and that's what's really crazy is you start to realize, oh my gosh, if I'm a if if if if I'm actually just a field of awareness, that means that I'm actually kind of invincible because that field of awareness that never dies, that never goes anywhere, that's eternal, that space, and everything is appearing within it. So there's actually no separation between you and your your neighbor that lives across the road because that person is also appearing within the field of awareness. You know, that house is appearing in the field of awareness. And I I want you to even trial doing something right now. Okay, so look at a spot on your floor or on your couch or wherever you are, and just visualize a candle. And some people have a better imagination than others, but just visualize it. You can see a candle in your mind. That vision, visualization you're having is also just happening in consciousness. That is just something that's appearing and disappearing. So, your thoughts, let's say you're having a thought about something and it's really taking up a lot of your energy, and you're like, oh, this person or this situation, how is that any different to thinking about a candle other than it's got an emotional charge behind it? There's it's only just an appearance. Everything is just an appearance in consciousness. So, who are you? This is gonna be really trippy. You're nothing, you are consciousness, you're part of oneness, and and that's when we start to get into this thing of like, oh my gosh, like that is the field of awareness. Like when people talk about the quantum field and you hear all this stuff about manifestation and all this blah blah blah, that's what they're getting at. Like, that is the field of awareness where nothing and where it's almost like a place of nothingness, but it's a place where everything and anything appears from. It's the space of ultimate creation where infinite possibilities are happening. So, okay, so this is gonna get really trippy, and I hope I'm not losing anyone. Um, but I'm gonna say it. So if you are just consciousness, right, and you're okay, but you're having this human experience, right? But your consciousness, and you're you start to become aware that everything is part of you, and everything is just you, and you're just appearing in this ultimate state of creation, this under underneath it all, whatever it is, and there's no separation between you or anything else that exists. That means that you also simultaneously as being nothing are also everything. This is gonna sound tricky, but you're also everything. You're the billions of dollars that someone has over there in frickin' wherever in LA. You're you're also the person, you're also like you're so many different things, and and these people, because you're all connected to everyone and everything in the world, they're just reflections of you. They're literally reflections of you. And um, and what I started to realize this year, especially is that everything is just a mirror of me. Because we're all connected, it's almost like this universe has is per is is you talking back to you all the time. Like this universe is just you talking back to you all the time, because everyone is you, and and that's what's so cool about this whole experience. And I know this sounds really trippy, but it's like if Joe Blog, your neighbor over there, has a beautiful something and and there's something about him or her that you really admire, that's not separate from you. That's just showing you, ah, that's someone who who has something that I actually want. Ah, that's interesting. It's showing showing me something about my own soul. Okay, interesting. I actually I actually want to go towards having a beautiful home or a beautiful this because if someone over there can have billions and there's no separation between you and them, why can't you have billions? Why can't you move towards whatever you want? Why can't you you are expansive? Okay, so we've established that we're nothing because we're consciousness, but this is what I'm getting at. So we're also everything. And you've been given this human body as a little avatar, right, to go through life and to experience life. This, what I almost see this experience at as is it's a game for your soul. So you've woken up on planet Earth and you're in the ultimate game of life. It's better than any video game you could ever play. Honestly, guys, it is once you realize that you're a player in this game, and this is when you start to wake up because a lot of people they just believe that they just are Lily. Like I am Lily, and I have this job, and I have anxiety, and I have depression, and I have to take pills, and I have to do this. But once you start to really ask, okay, who am I? That's brilliant. That's when you become a player in the game. That's essentially when Neo gets offered the red pill and the blue pill and he takes the red pill? Yeah, that's that's him taking the red pill. He's like, Who am I? Okay, well, I could choose to go back and be the version I was, or I could go into the infinite unknown and just see what happens and become whoever the fuck I want to be. Okay, I'll have that one. Is it gonna be terrifying? Yes. I'm gonna take it anyway. Thank you. Um, but but yeah, so this is the thing. We've been given this body for this human experience. We've got this avatar, and the truth of this experience, what I've started to really wake up to is that this whole reality is perfectly orchestrated for you to realize how infinitely powerful you really are. And, you know, for a long time, well, for a period of time, I went through a Christian phase about a year and a half ago, and you know, the Christian thing was important for my evolution, but I used to feel that God was something out there, it was not part of me, it was something that I worship, it's something out there, it's something out there. And oh, to say that you are God is is crazy. You never want to do that. But the truth is, guys, you are because we are all part of the infinite collective. We are all one, everything is flowing through us. The fact that you can either even notice that you are not your thoughts, that you're not your story, that you're not all of this. And actually, the fact that you can notice that you're an avatar playing this incredible game, why don't we start playing like God? Like, I literally watched this amazing podcast the other day with this guy, and he's like, everything that's coming in your life is a test to go, am I gonna play this game like God, or am I like the God that I am? And it's not the egoic god of like I'm a god, everyone should worship me. No, it's like, am I gonna show up in my authenticity, in my power, in my strength, in my certainty, in my um, in my power essentially, or am I gonna show up as a victim? Every moment in life, you are offered the red pill or the blue pill. Even once you awaken to this whole thing, you are offered the red pill and the blue pill. And in every moment you're like, okay, am I gonna take the victim route and be really scared and like just do what I've done a million times before? Or am I gonna step into the infinite unknown and become the creator, like the creator, and step into it fully and be like, okay, I'm a boss, let's go. Okay, no, I'm gonna put in a boundary there. No, that's not interesting to me anymore. I don't want to do that. Like, or yeah, I'm gonna move towards this creation. No, is it too big for me? No. No, it's not too big for me. Because if Joe Blog over there can have that, why can't I have that? We're the same. But this is the thing with the universe, is you're also in a co-creation, right? So your soul, which is this universe, is gonna guide you and it's gonna give you what you need and what's infinitely better than what you often think. But the fact that you even have a desire that is coming from the universe, your soul telling you, hey, I've given you this desire. I don't care if it's big, I don't care if it's scary, it's been perfect for you, so just go for it. Just go for what you want. If you like really want to become, you know, this whatever you, whatever it is that you really want to become, you can actually become that in your internal state right now. And um, and and essentially live it right now, because you can be like God. You can say, okay, cool. Well, I I want to have, you know, I want to have beautiful relationships, I want to have money, I want to have a great business, I want to uplift people, I want to do all this stuff. You feel into it, and then, and this is kind of getting into manifestation, but because everything in this universe is you, there's no separation between you and money, you and a million-dollar home, you and this, you and that. Can you believe that you're already worthy of it? Because that's your godlike state, is knowing I'm safe, I'm powerful, I'm inherently abundant. Like, even even if you have nothing in your bank account, you can still feel. Like you're a billionaire. Like I sometimes have had a hundred dollars in my bank account, but I know internally I'm a billionaire because I have access and connection to everything in this universe. There's no separation between me and the billionaire or the me and the did-da-da. And once you start to know your true state and operate as God, that is when your reality shifts around you. So that's the whole thing of manifestation, right? So essentially, what this universe is trying to wake you up to is that of it it's trying to wake you up to your infinite power and your infinite strength and who you infinitely and truly are, which is powerful, abundant, safe, worthy, loved, unconditionally loved, beautiful, doesn't matter what you look like, you're beautiful. Um it's it's trying to wake you up to all of this so it can give you everything your heart desires because it's your soul. Why would your soul, and I've said this before, but why would your soul not want to give you everything that your heart desires? If this universe is your soul, why does it not want to give you the beautiful relationship that you want? Anything that tells you otherwise is essentially a program. It's essentially a program. And and yeah, you might feel right now like, oh, I just have really so low self-worth, I have all these thoughts coming through that I'm not good enough, I'm not blah, blah, blah. I get it. I too have those thoughts sometimes, but I have to move in the direction of God anyway. You have to move like God despite your fear, despite your negative thoughts, despite it all, because that's actually how you heal and overcome your thoughts. And obviously, it's still about being very nurturing and kind to yourself. And, you know, the amount of time I spend nurturing myself and giving myself love and kindness to that side of me that is freaked out, because it's that inner child, it's that, you know, it's that side that got traumatized essentially. I give a lot of love and compassion to that side, and that is what helps me have the courage to move forward because I know I'm invincible because I love myself so much. If someone doesn't like me, eh, okay. I love myself. Okay, yeah, there's some stuff I do that I'm like, oh my gosh, that made me cringe so much. I love myself anyway. I'm I love myself, and it's gonna feel weird at first to go towards what you want and just step into that power of who you really are. Your ego is gonna be like, oh, you're not that. Nah, you're not that, you're that miserable, sad fuck. Sorry. But you just have to just go, no, I'm not, and move in the direction of the person you truly want to be anyway. Don't listen to it. Have the courage, just go, no, I'm not listening to you, I'm going there anyway. So, okay, this has been a roundabout episode, and it's it's hard for me to fully explain something that is a felt and lived experience. But essentially, if you are in a position where you're like, oh my gosh, I have no idea what this girl's really talking about, but something feels so right and empowering, and all my body just is like, what the hell is that? That's um that's your soul show showing you, ah, there's something in what this girl is saying that I like. That's interesting. Or if I trigger you, that triggers for you. There's something, you know, possibly coming up, a fear, whatever, just allow your emotions to be there. But essentially becoming truly who you are is knowing that you are nothing and everything all at once. And therefore, because you are nothing and everything and and nothing, and this is the other thing, nothing is good or bad, nothing is right or wrong. There are they are just appearances in consciousness, and things are either more aligned to your soul based on where you're at, or less aligned for your soul based on where you're at. So it's okay if you're if hearing this message is making you like your nervous system freak out and you're like, this is too much for me, that's alright. This is just it's okay. You don't have to judge yourself. It's alright. Maybe there's you know, maybe this message is too much for you, and it's okay, and you don't you just go and be kind to yourself and and be just focus on loving yourself and meeting yourself where you're at. But but yeah, maybe this message is like, oh, there's something in that. Like, I really like what this girl is saying, and it's it's showing me hope. It's showing me that I don't need to play this lame game anymore, that I'm you know, nothing and everything's you know happening to me rather than for me. Everything's happening for you to just try and wake you up, honestly, guys. It really is to wake you up to who you truly are, to your true inherent power, who you truly are. And for me, that was realizing okay, I'm nothing because I'm consciousness, so I'm nothing, but because everything exists within consciousness, that also means I'm everything. So it puts me in the creator seat. It's like I'm suddenly put in the car and drive, and I'm going, okay, cool. Well, if I'm everything, I actually get to be, I get to choose who I am. I get to actually create this avatar. Okay, I don't actually like what I was wearing before or how my hair was. I get to choose. Okay, cool. I'm gonna wear this funky cowboy shirt. That sounds fun. That actually lights up my soul. Ah, that's interesting. That person isn't aligning me with aligning with me anymore. Oh wow, because nothing is good or bad and I don't owe anyone anything, I'm allowed to say, hey, I actually, I think, you know, politely and respectfully, I think this relationship is coming to an end now. And then go towards what you want. Ah, that's interesting. Wow, when I watch the TV and I watch those actresses on TV, something in me lights up. I really want to try doing that. Well, guess what? They are you. They're a version of you, just on a different timeline. They're just you but having a slightly different experience of life. Oh, that's interesting. I wouldn't mind trialing that. Great, then take the action towards trialing that, even if it freaks you out. Go to an acting class, do something, do whatever feels right to you and feels explorative to you. Because the desire you have, it's it's your desire, and look, we can get into a whole topic on time, but your desire is coming to you because in a way it's already happened. It's already existing. The fact that you can even envision it and feel it in your body, like when you think, oh my gosh, imagine being, you know, this actor who's on a stage and doing that, the fact that you can even feel that and have a visceral experience around that means that it's actually already happened and it's happening on a timeline. And if it's happening to um, you know, Joe Blog over there, it's also possible for you, but it's going to happen in a way that's perfectly and divinely orchestrated for you. So something I always say to myself when I want something, I move towards it as though I already have it, and I also surrender and I go, yeah, but soul, my soul universe, soul, aka universe, bring me what's even better. If there's something better that I can't actually compute, bring it to me. Bring me whatever is optimal. So I'm gonna go towards that, but if there's something else that's optimal, show me how. Anyway, guys, I hope that this episode helps you. And um, and yeah, I just want to say, like, really welcome to this podcast. Um, this podcast is terrifying to me. It terrifies me. I get terrified before filming an episode because I go, I don't even know who the hell, what the hell I'm gonna talk about. But um, but you just have to move anyway because often what will happen is um something will because we're all connected to the infinite, as I've been explaining, something will push through you. Like you will realize often that you have skills that you didn't even know you had because we're all connected. We're all connected, like obviously, okay. Well, maybe I can't suddenly do a backflip because someone else can do it, but I can I can do one. Like, if that person can do it, why not why not me? Um, yeah, I mean, look, it's it's trippy, it's trippy out there, but um, but yeah, that that those feelings that you really want to inhabit. Let's say, okay, for example, with the backflip. Let's say I really want to be able to do a backflip and I can't do a backflip yet. Or maybe I'm crippled and I can never do a backflip. But I can still experience the feeling that that person gets from doing the backflip because we're all connected. So what okay, if I could do a backflip, it would make me feel invincible, it would make me feel strong, it would make me feel, okay, well, I'm just gonna become that right now anyway, and see what happens in my universe, see how the universe aligns to that frequency. That's the thing. You become who it is you want to be right now. Become it. Just become it. Step into it as though you're stepping into someone else's body. You're like, okay, that billionaire over there that has that thing, that does that amazing thing, that has that amazing life. What would it feel? What must it feel to him right now or her to be that person? And then just like visualize yourself stepping into their body if it helps, and then just live it as though it's yourself and watch how this universe collapses and transforms around you. It's pretty remarkable. Anyway, guys, I hope you've enjoyed this and I really appreciate you being here. Don't forget it, you are beautiful. You are, you really are, and you are inherently amazing because you are the universe, and the universe is you. There's no separation here. There's no separation between me and you. If you like something that I've got, steal it. I give you full authority. If you think my shirt is dope, go to a vintage market, get one yourself. Um, anyway, love you all. This is awesome. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to do this podcast. And um, and yeah, have a brilliant, brilliant day. Thank you.