Why soften?

To "soften" is obviously a well-known adjective, but we're using it a bit more metaphorically here and it can take on very different shapes for different people.

Hillary builds on the last episode's description of some examples of what softening IS and addresses: why even do this work?  Why soften in a world that tells us to go harder?  Why soften when we're trying to achieve and grow?  It may sound counter-intuitive, so join as Hillary walks through her own experience of why softening work has been so impactful.

Books on happiness and stress impact research for more solid facts and figures:

You, Happier, Daniel G. Amen

The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor

Follow along with more of Hillary's work on Instagram @kayloecreative and on Substack @kayloecreative

Read Kayloe Quarterly Run One

Ready Kayloe Quarterly Run Two

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey Type A girls. Welcome back to softening for the type A girls like me. Okay, today we're gonna talk about why soften. Why do I need to soften? Why should I soften? Maybe I don't need to soften. Maybe I don't want to. Um I was led to this whole softening concept really indirectly. Um, I haven't done like a whole ton of research on if there's anyone who specifically coined the term softening or um where it originated. Like I shared in a previous podcast, like it kind of just came to me through books and podcasts and just sort of became this theme where the bracing and the tightness and the rigidity for me, I could I'm really visual, and softening felt like a cue for myself that I could actually feel. I could like exhale, I could picture going some from something rigid to like the give and the ease. Um, oh, I think that's another thing that kind of led me to softening was ease. Like, what if it was easy? Um, a lot of inner belief and self-work on this is so hard for me, I can't because I'm this, like all these rules I had for myself. That is another very type A thing. I don't know if you resonate with that, but just these games and these rules I would have for myself on what success looks like, how much work I have to do until I'm allowed to rest, um, what is good, what is bad, what a good friend looks like, what a toxic relationship looks like, all of these rules and this criteria that was just like exhausting to keep up on. Um, but all that to say, if you haven't gone on this like intuitive discovery to softening, like I have, and you're just coming to this podcast and it's resonating something in you, and you're obviously listening to it for a reason. But the word softening, you're maybe still having questions about it, or what are we even talking about, or why should I do it? That's just what I want to talk about for a little bit today. So um, I'll start with like no in particular story, but kind of a lot of my own personal experiences wrapped into one kind of setting the scene, and you can see if any of this resonates. So again, don't take it literally, but it's more the concept. For me, one reason why I've started focusing on softening is being in situations time and time again where I would walk away from a family gathering, from a date with my partner. Um, I can even think back in my 20s, just like a hangout with friends, where I've talked about that inner critic voice before, and I'll talk about it more if you haven't listened to that one yet. But that inner critic type of thing, I would walk away from a hangout or a situation, and I'd be replaying what happened. And I'm like, Hillary, why can't you have any chill? Why can't you just be easy? Why can't why do you have to be so uptight? Why do I get so triggered and have to explain and clarify and disclaim and correct people and defend myself? Like you can even hear it in the energy in my voice right now. Like, uh, uh, uh, like that's not true. No, it's not like this. Make sure you do this, watch out for this. Um, that feeling of not really liking how I'm acting in public to my loved ones, to myself. Unfortunately, it took me a while into my journey into softening to realize that I should be kinder to myself. It definitely started with other people. But that's one reason why I soften. Um, a similar but different is when I became a mom, seeing how sharp and temperamental I can be with my kids, it does not feel good. And it is true what they say about when you become a parent, your children are like a really big mirror back to you because they're innocent. A lot of times they did nothing wrong, but it feels wrong or it's super triggering to you. Um, so my need to control, to manipulate, not in like an unhealthy way, but like make sure, manipulate in the way of like make sure that they do what I want them to do at what time. I mean, when I say it that way, I guess it does sound kind of unhealthy. Um, but yeah, control and wanting to manipulate the way that my kids act or show up or just impatience. I am a really patient mom, but man, it runs out. And so just the impatience, that's another reason why I want to soften because I think one of my deep-rooted fears is I don't want to mess my kids up and my rigidity and my need for things to be a certain way, and not having the capacity to hold a lot of chaos, are all things that I want to soften so that I can at least give myself and them the best chance at having healthy relationships with each other, but then, you know, onwards as well. Another reason why you might want to focus on softening is stress. So I felt very resistant to all of the harrowing statistics on stress for a long time because one of the way that my type A plays out is I don't like being lumped into the status quo. I like to be special. I like to be above things, like, oh yeah, that's for the average human, but not for me. I like excellence and I like to, yeah, just like work my way to a place where I can be immune from certain things. So when I would hear, you know, stress, I feel like statistics on stress started being shared more frequently and talked about and the negative repercussions of stress, you know, for a long time now, the last 10, if not more, years, especially as I feel like this generation of millennials is kind of the first generation to really get into therapy and wanting to fight back the negative repercussions, or maybe just like addressing that, like, oh, I feel sad all the time, I feel angry all the time. Um so where generations before, I don't think they had the luxury of really checking in with themselves and deciding if they were fulfilled or happy or not. It was different times, different socioeconomic system, um, just a different culture. And this is where I've gotten really fascinated recently by just signs of the times or zeitgeist, if you know that term, like culture, basically, and there's always going to be exceptions, but you can, that's why people study history, you can look over history years upon years and start seeing major themes. So I'm not a historian, I can't speak to it very eloquently or knowledgeably. Um, so sorry if I I'm like obviously not gonna try to say years or anything. I won't embarrass myself too much. But obviously, like during war times, during the Great Depression, um, well, and it says right there, depression, but you know, that was more about material goods and people were trying to survive. They weren't like, is this job lighting up my soul? They were trying to live, they were trying to feed a family, and what it actually took to thrive was just different. Now it's been a long time since those times. And yeah, we have our own big picture stresses in our world and in our times, but it's a lot more about fulfillment and about creative expression and individual expression. And gone are the days for most people, again, as a collective, where people are fulfilled with yep, I got this job. It's a good, solid job. I will show up and I'll do it day in, day out. And very small percentage of people will say that they would be fulfilled by that kind of life. Now people are more enlightened to their personality types, to what lights them up, what gives them energy. They're more just abreast with the fact that there is energy going on in the world and that that affects us. And so it's just really cool. And I'm super fascinated to see where we are at. And I think it's just a really exciting time that you can, to an extent, make life anything you want it to be again, to an extent. But underlying with all of that, back to stress, when I would hear like the huge statistics on stress and depression, I wouldn't even really cognitively take it in or let it sink in. Cause I'd be like, oh, not me. I handle stress super well, I have a super high tolerance, I can handle it. Like I would have a stress response to hearing about stress. So as I started softening and just putting down some of my freaking scripts that were running my life, all of these rules. You know that scripts are running your life and that you're disconnected from your true inner source and inner authority. If you're constantly hearing yourself say things like, I'm just this way, I'm this kind of person, I do this because of this. I cannot do that because I am this. Those are all literally made-up things in your head, and they're just beliefs. So as I started one by one taking my beliefs and actually looking at them, are they true? Is it definitely true? Um, I'm gonna do a later episode on Katie Byron's The Work because that work really helped me. Again, because I'm visual and I'm type A. It was a simple little four-step thing that I could remember. I really do love a formula. Not everything needs a formula, but I do love a formula that is just easy to grasp onto and I can like remember and take myself through. Um, but as I started rewriting my scripts and my stories, then I was able to see things more clearly about what needed to go in my life, what needed to be turned up, what was actually beneath the thing I thought was bothering me. And spoiler alert, it's very rarely the thing you're complaining about. You might be like, my partner is always this, is always that, is this and that, and blah, blah, blah, and I can't stand it. You slow down, you actually look at the scripts that are getting you there. And what could be underneath it is you don't feel worthy of love, for example. It might feel like something that's disconnected, but this is the work, this is the slowing down, this is the softening. So, one reason to soften is to make change in your life. If you are on a hamster wheel and you're getting sick of hearing your own voice, you might need to soften into the reality of what your life actually is and what you're dealing with. And I will raise my hand and be the first to say it takes a lot of humility, and it took me, oh my gosh, I'm still in the process with the deepest, deepest things. But it takes me a lot of steps forward and then back to actually get down into the things that actually need handled. So, yeah, you might want to soften if you want to see things move in your life, if you want to make a career change, a relationship change, just like a personality change. You, the way you are, yes, we have the way we're wired and we have the way we're designed, but every personality index, whether it's the Enneagram or Human Design or Myers Briggs, every good introduction and teachings on these things that I've heard, they will give you a disclaimer, like you are not your design. This is to give you a starting point, like astrology, even. Astrology is not going to tell you what will happen because what will happen is up to you. Astrology can tell you what metaphorical time it is, what energy is going on, like the real life, living, non-negotiable, like non-controversial energy that is science, that is the stuff that our world and our body is made up of. That I don't know about you, but I did not get taught in school, definitely not by my family or my parents. But is the things, it's literally the things that are dictating and ruling our life, our day-to-day energy, our moods, and how we react, but we're not, we take it for granted, or we're not paying attention to it. So softening looks like actually assessing your life and saying, This is what I actually want. Instead of saying, like, oh, whoa was me. I want this, but I can't because I'm this way. That's you. You're the one deciding that. You can change that. I'm super introverted. I act as an extrovert all the time. I act outside of what I feel comfortable with as an under the label of introvert all the time because I want more from my life. So it's kind of, I only have a really crass thing to say, so I'm not gonna say it. Um, but basically, if you're complaining about something in your life, you're choosing it. So you can either change it or continue to choose it. Those are the two options. And lots of grace for it's not gonna happen overnight. It does take practice. Oh, that's been one that's hitting me a lot lately is just softening into the fact that softening takes practice for me. It is not my natural reaction. Um, but yeah, I was talking about like personality indexes or astrology or anything that kind of helps point you towards your destiny or your most truest fulfilled self. All of those are great, but a good one will eventually tell you like, and the goal is to get so in tune with your inner authority and your most aligned highest self that you don't have to worry about your personality index anymore. Like, you can show up as fully you and fully expressed in every situation that you're in. You're not going to let a label or a personality number or type dictate you. Oh man, I love, I always know what I'm gonna talk about when I get on here, but I love getting on. And for me, it's real-time exercise in feeling energy, working with energy, letting the energy move and seeing where the passion takes me. I'm just so hopefully you can feel it. I'm just so passionate about talking about these things because for the first time in my life, I feel not in control of my life, but I feel, I guess I do kind of like as I release control, I actually now feel in control. Um, or like autonomy. Like, I I know like this life is mine. I used to feel really controlled. And so as a byproduct, I would try to control things. Like I would try to control as much as I could because I felt like so much was out of my control. Now I just feel like fully alive and informed, and I just know that I have permission and autonomy of choice. Like I can look at my life and not enjoy something. And again, softening for me, I want to fix things instantly, and that's not always realistic. And sometimes I just get so overwhelmed and exhausted. So, softening for me looks like taking a deep breath, just accepting what is giving myself self-love. Like I see those feelings, I acknowledge myself that I feel that way, but also maybe not today. I'm doing a lot of work right now and not needing instant results. But that's a reason why you soften is so that you can show up fully to your own life and feel like you are at the steering wheel. No, you are not in control of the tides. But as the waves come your way, you feel empowered, both hands on the wheel, both feet on the ground. You trust yourself, you have the knowledge, you have the skills to be like, oh, it looks like choppy weathers ahead, and you navigate the waves. I like that metaphor. That just came through. I've never seen it that way or thought of it before. But I think it is a great um, that that balance of you're not in control of the weather, obviously, but you are in control of how you react to it. Um, so again, I'm not a scientist. Kind of wish I was. Maybe I will be. Maybe I'll be a self proclaimed scientist. Um, and I'm not gonna get to there's so much you could read. There's a lot of books and a lot of studies on happiness and the negative. Side of stress. Now I feel like the new version of that is like dopamine, basically. It's not the same thing, but I think like as our society has gotten busier and busier and bombarded with content and information, coping with stress has kind of turned to dopamine addictions or overwhelm. And you know, there's so much talk about ADD and ADHD and neurodivergence now. So you can't ignore that there's a lot of cool things about the day and age we live in. Like I said, we're not, most of us aren't trying to scrape together, you know, like $1.50 a day to eat on, like in the Great Depression. Um, you know, we're not rationing food. Most of us are living in a lot of abundance, even if you don't feel that way. Um, you probably have shelter and food. But the downside of this place of abundance is yeah, I'm just gonna, there's a lot, but I'm just gonna talk about stress right now because I think one of the biggest reasons to soften is to give yourself some chances to whatever stage or age you're in in life, to start negating the negative repercussions of stress now so that your future self can live a healthier, more thriving life. Um I heard recently, and I really liked because it hit for me, like I really resonated. It was the first time I heard this, and I was like, oh wow, that yes, I needed to hear that. Is that so many of us can look back on our past selves, like picture yourself in high school, picture yourself in college, picture yourself as a child, and you don't second guess yourself at all. You're like, oh my gosh, I've changed so much. Uh, that's so funny. Look at that haircut, like, oh, cringe, look at that style I was wearing. You can look back and have no um tension with yourself of like, oh yeah, I've clearly changed. Like I that almost feels like a different person. But our brains do not do a good job. There's a term for it, I can't remember. But our brains can't do a good job at connecting that to the very real truth that we are going to keep changing and be totally different people in the future. Yeah. Let that land for a minute. Like who I am now, I think I'm always going to be. Of course, I realize I grew, I made mistakes, I fell down, I got back up again to get here to this present place. But it's so hard for me to connect that to I might need to fall down and get back up again right now. I might need to fail a few more times before I succeed at the thing that I'm trying to do. We want like instant results, and we also, our brains and our bodies are in self-protection mode. So anything that comes to help us change, even positive change, we feel sometimes resistant to because we're like, no, no, no. I'm good now, I'm safe now, I've found safety. This is me. Don't try to change me. When do you see the contradiction? Like we can complain till we're blue in the face about something that's different than our current that we want. Like, oh, if I had more money, if I had a different job, if I had more alone time, if I had like my dream relationship, if I had more love, if they change, if this, but we don't see how it's going to take discomfort day after day to actually evolve into the type of person that's able to do that thing that we desire. So linking that to you're gonna get older, and I wish you a long happy life, if that is what you desire many years on this earth, whatever phase you're in right now, unless you change it, that's what you're still gonna be dealing with then. So if you're under constant stress, if your nervous system is dysregulated, if you are grumpy all the time, if you can't sleep, if you can't get the satisfaction you want, it's just gonna keep having compounding effects year after year after year until you take steps to change that. And this is how, like I've heard it say in old age, it like gets amplified. Older people are uh totally generalizing, and it's not my words, it's someone else's, but older people are either like the most stubborn, cranky, mean, irritated people, or they're like so full of light and love. And like, which one do you want to lean into? Does that make sense? What I'm saying. So kind of trying to think about your future self. Um, stress is basically one of the worst things for your body. Um, I remember when it finally hit for me and when I finally actually let stress statistics land for me and apply to me, is just the reality of like how much stress shortens your life. Um, this is where I can't spit out, but I know it's in books that I've read and I can recommend some or link some. Like The Happiness Project is one I remember. Um, there's several like happiness adjacent books and reports out there. But there's lots of factors, but stress is always one of the top ones. And they say something crazy like every day of chronic stress is taking away, like, you know, a couple years of your life or something like that. Um, or that stress is worse for you on an ongoing basis, chronic stress than like smoking a pack of cigarettes every day. Um, so again, don't quote me on these things because this is not a statistics podcast. Um, but you get the information that I'm trying to portray. Stress is really, really bad for your body. And I believe that one of the negative repercussions of being type A, I'll speak in my own experience. And if you don't resonate, that's okay. So you don't have to, if you feel triggered by this, it's because it is true of you. I will give you that hint. Um, but you don't have to come at me if you don't resonate because this is literally my experience. Is that when I'm under the belief that I need to get an A on every test, every report, every interaction, or I'm not worthy of love, um, that creates a lot of stress. When I think that it is my job to take care of everyone, to make sure everyone is happy, to make sure that everything's in perfect line, to control the weather and make sure that it doesn't rain on my clients' wedding days, like that is stress. When I am, I mean, enjoying because I was so conditioned and used to, but when I'm like checking boxes and running around busy and like, look at me, I'm so busy, I'm so busy. And it's because I was getting my self-worth from not within, from external. But when I'm like, go, go, go, go, no, I don't have time for that. No, I'm so busy, this or that. That's why I would be like, I'm not stressed, I'm enjoying it, but that is stress in my body. The actual bodiness of it, like my breath is tight. I when breath work has like changed my life. And it's because I had such little awareness of the breath. And when I started becoming aware of my breath, oh my gosh, I was holding my breath so often. If I wasn't holding my breath, it was like shallow. It was like just breathing enough to stay alive so that I could just keep going, just keep achieving. So I think that the biggest reason to soften, just in practical terms, is to give your body a chance to live in the way that it was designed to, which is self-healing. Like if you actually think about it, our bodies are equipped from the time we're born to actually self-heal. You fall down, you get a scrape, it heals. Isn't that crazy? It's so annoying at how negative the collective consciousness is on certain things, and that I've been so conditioned that now, like at the end of my 30s, I'm just realizing some things that have been so simple and in front of me the whole time. Where I have more often heard the story of like you start dying the second you like you know, like your whole time on earth, you're just working towards death, or like you hit a certain age and then it's all decline from there. But if you actually look at reality, our bodies are designed to recharge every single night. Like, who else takes sleep for granted? You know, our bodies are so miraculously wired to regenerate themselves. So if you're dealing with chronic insomnia, chronic pain, um, all sorts of physical manifestations. Like, I won't go through all of them because I don't want any of this to feel like, oh, if you're dealing with this, it's your fault. Um, one step at a time as you soften into it. But if you really do take the not the mind out of it, because it's great to think critically, but if you take the labels and the meaning out of things and you just look like, oh, this is happening in my life, like so often you can track it to a trauma or a stress that's just not being dealt with, and it is a lot to deal with, it's not for the faint of heart, but isn't that cool that we have the tools in our bodies? Our bodies are so freaking intelligent, and I it like really saddens me that I was raised and taught to really disconnect from my body and that my body was bad, and I had a lot of shame attached to especially like female body. But as I return to self and as I re-embody, oh my gosh, I'm so fascinated by the intelligence of our body, and just on scientific terms, like I think the human body is like the most intelligent computer in like in the world, obviously, you know. So the intelligence in our body is super freaking amazing. Your body is actually wired to heal. So, one of the main reasons I'm passionate about softening, and I am passionate about sharing what I've learned about softening and continuing to soften is to give your body the chance to live the way it was designed to be, which is full of capacity for life and to be self-healing. As you soften into what is, as you soften into connection with self, as you soften into breath, as you soften into pain and letting that pain release, your your life and your body is gonna transform. And it is so it does take some faith in the process, and it does take patience, but and it takes freaking softening. But you start to see what feels like the miracles, you start to see what you never could have imagined actually happening, and then like the snowball starts rolling in a good way where you're like, oh my gosh, this could actually be for me. Oh my gosh, I don't have to live that way. I thought I had to live forever. Oh my gosh, I can actually receive this. Oh my gosh, I can actually have that. And obviously, there's lots of different lenses to put it through. The one I feel passionate about sharing is to soften. So why soften so that you can live the life of your dreams? You can feel fully embodied, fully empowered, and be the person you've always wanted to be. That's why I soften. Join me. Thanks for being here, and I'll talk to you guys more soon.