The Dad/ Mom Dynamic

No perfect dads—just dedicated ones. The Dedicated Dad’s Podcast is a space for real conversations about fatherhood, parenting, leadership, and legacy. 

This episode's guest is Joel Benjamin. Joel is a married father of 2 children with his Master Degree in Marriage and Family counseling. His parent have been married for over 30 years which is incorporated into today's episode. Join us as we discuss: 

• How do parents make major household decisions? Is it a joint discussion, or does one person usually have the final say? 
• What happens when they argue? Do they resolve it constructively, or do arguments escalate into prolonged silence or yelling?
• How to establish a healthy balance between being parents and married
• Why is it healthy for the kids to see a healthy Dad/Mom relationship even when not together (living together)?
• What were their own parents' dynamics like? How do they consciously choose to repeat or break the patterns they grew up with?

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

I'ma be deep in the future when I think of my scummer. And then for the bullets, lifting the killer with the floor. The moment so much baby gonna slip in the floor and pray for the street. Do we look being in the full of village over? No one that influences them play from the stomach. Just strip a dilemma fidelity deep in the hunger. Legend of wars and confusion and steppin', nothing and mold them till they forget who they are.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

What's up, everybody? Welcome to the Dedicated Dads Podcast. I am your host, Mr. Bishop. We're back for another great episode. The title of this episode is The Dad and Mom Dynamic. Now, this is a topic that is very heavy because we don't often speak about how our relationships with our children's parents, other parents, the spouse, uh leads to healthy relationships with our kids. What are they watching? What are they going to emulate as they get older? So this is a topic that is sorely needed. For today's guest, I have a great, great friend of mine. He's been friends with this gentleman for over 25 years. Uh, he's from Brooklyn, New York. His name is Joel Benjamin. Currently resides in Florida with his wife and two kids. He has a son and a daughter, holds his master's in marriage and family therapy. So he is the perfect person to speak to about this topic. So let's bring him on. Joelle, how are you, sir? All right, man. How you feeling? Man, I'm doing great, man. Uh, this topic here is a good one. You know, the mom and dad dynamic. I mean, a lot of us only have one perspective. I know personally, for me, I only have one perspective because I grew up in a one-parent home. Now, my mom did what she could with her boyfriend, but those are boyfriends, you know what I mean? They can't whoop you, or at least they shouldn't. I don't got my fish ass whooping, no matter who was dishing them out. Uh, so it really don't matter. But this is a uh a topic that's interesting because it's something that we don't think of as parents and how it shapes our kids' lives, right? How we relate to their other parent, whether like they live in the house, whether it's an ex-spouse, or just you know, a one-night stand going bad. We don't we don't talk, we don't talk about it. So that's a fact, it's a it's a fact, bro. So let me talk. So, like I said, you right now you're married, currently married, you have two kids. So, let me ask you the first question. First question I have about this topic is how do you make major household decisions? Is it a joint decision, or does one person usually have the final say?

SPEAKER_04 2:20

Um, I run everything, bro. I make all the decisions. I'm just kidding, hell no. So so the way I see it is um, I think it depends on the dynamic between the two parties, right? I feel that it works best if it's a partnership, right? Because I can make all the decisions, sure, but if I make a decision in an area where I lack, then I can kind of drive us over the cliff simply because I say I'm gonna make all the decisions, I'm the man, I make all the decisions, you know what I'm saying? And if she's there as my partner, I I believe that she should have a say, and if she believes that her contribution is worth it, um, I think that would help the decision or the quality of the decision as well, you know what I'm saying? If it's a equal partnership, so I think that also there's other things that are involved in that, also, because with that question, it goes into like the um question of or the idea of leadership, right? The man is the is the head of the household, he's the leader, he's supposed to lead, he's supposed to whatever he says go. But then a leader, I I think it's very um I I don't I don't think it's really defined properly in this in our social circles, you know what I'm saying? So, like because I'm the man, I'm the leader, I can make all the I make all the decisions, whatever I say go. But what if I'm a bad decision maker? What if I don't consider certain things that you might consider, you know what I'm saying? That that that can kind of change the outcome of you know the direction of our marriage or our relationship. So gotcha, I think it's important to first define what a leader is, right? And even to my definition of what a leader is, not even my definition, a definition of what leader is and where we see it from is not like what's out there today. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 4:21

Very true, yeah, very true. And here's the thing, too, is as well about being a leader. Being a leader just means you're the first person through, doesn't necessarily mean it's your idea, doesn't necessarily mean that you 100% agree with it. I mean, if you look at just sports in general, you know, they're like think about okay, we'll talk about this, even though it's a source subject for me. The Knicks just won the championship.

SPEAKER_04 4:42

Yes, they did.

SPEAKER_01 4:43

Now, Jalen Brunson is the leader of that team. However, when he was leading the team against Atlanta, they were getting waxed, they were they were having a hard time. So the decision was made to run through Cat. Cat was gonna be the point center, he was gonna be the guy who was gonna do what needs to be done. Now, it took obviously the buy-in from Jalen Brunson because he's the leader of the team, so he bought into it, and then the team was successful ultimately because of the new strategy. Now, I'm quite sure being a basketball player, he wouldn't want the ball out of his hands. I mean, he's a point guard, so I mean, essentially, it's his job to handle the ball and come up to court and set the offense, but he realized in that moment that not that he was ineffective, but it wasn't leading them to where they needed to go. And then they start beating everybody by 19, 20, 30, coming back from 29 points, 22 points. But uh ultimately, again, he wins the MVP because he's still the leader of the team when it came down to crunch time, he had to do what he had to do. But again, you know, his decision making wasn't really what led the team to where it needed to be, but he still led the team in the decision that was made, right?

SPEAKER_04 5:57

I I I like I like how you put that in. I really like how you referenced um the New York Knicks, the far superior team than all the teams in the Eastern Conference.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Yeah, we're we're gonna cut this part out for you.

SPEAKER_04 6:11

But what I would say is this, um, and you highlighted it too, yo, a leader, like the greatest person that we ever to ever exist, period, was a servant first, right? So as a leader, you know, since we reverse Jalen Brunson as a leader, he he he became a servant to his team, right? There was even um, was it a contract extension? Or they were offering him six-figure, six-figure offer. I think it was over 100 million, and he turned it down, you know, to get other players, you know what I'm saying? So get other players on the team so they can have a shot of the title. You know what I'm saying? That's uh he became a uh uh a servant, uh like a huh, I don't I don't like to say servant leader. I think leaders serve first, you know what I'm saying? And through their service, then others would would follow, you know what I'm saying? He gave up something in service to the team, in service to the organization, so they could be put in a position that that they're in now.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

Yeah, exactly. He made he made a sacrifice of his own desires, uh, you know, obviously, to be that guy, and at ultimately he still was that guy. I mean, I don't know what he had yesterday, but I think it was some close to 50 points or something like that. And every game they were losing, they relied on him to lead. You know, when they needed a bucket, that's who they went to. Now, whether he flops all the time or not, that's but when they needed the bucket, yeah, that's the guy they went to. You know what I mean? Crunch time, he's the guy. I was watching the game. I'm like, this little mighty mouse is gonna score. I just I felt it every single time. I'm like, they're gonna give him the ball, they're gonna get in the paint somehow and make some one one-legged you know, fadeaway shot. And every time he comes through as the leader of the team, you know. So leading, uh fellas, is not necessarily being the one who makes all the decisions, yeah, it's not necessarily meaning that your decision has to overrule someone else's decision. Sometimes being the leader is listening. I mean, you know, the biggest thing is you gotta follow before you can lead. So, not to say you need to follow your spouse or follow your baby mom or your girlfriend or significant other, but it's always great to have that input. You know, there's a reason why the two of you are together. There's certain things that person sees that you don't, certain things that you see that that person don't. Like I can speak for myself when I go out and we're in a public place, like yesterday. I was at a casino. Now I'm in a casino, I'm looking at exits, I'm looking at all the weirdos walking by drinking. This woman is oblivious to everyone in the building. She's just hearing the cling, cling, clink, cling, clink, cling, cling, and looking at the lights and what games she wants to play. No care in the world, but it's because our vision is different. My vision says safety and protection and making sure she's good. Her vision says, I'm out with him, I don't got to worry about this, I'm gonna have fun, right? So ultimately, you know, in a lot of decisions, when they go wrong, it's because one person tries to I'll say quote unquote prevail with their way, and then there's no recourse because now it's okay, you messed up. How do we back out of it? Now I gotta bring you into the mistake I made because I didn't ask for your input in the first place. I like that.

SPEAKER_04 9:17

I like a lot, and even even even to kind of add another layer to that too, because even with because you guys are married, you know what I'm saying? You know, I'm married too, or whatever, and I think service, right? It it can give the the person like the safety to to trust you because they know that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that we're okay, right? It's not somebody that shout from the from the from the mountaintops and kind of dictating you do this, you do that, you do that, you do that. I can't trust your decision. I don't know you. I don't know if you're willing to kind of sacrifice not kind of, I don't know if you're willing to sacrifice for our marriage. I don't know if you're willing to sacrifice for me, I don't know if you're willing to sacrifice for the kids, but you still want me to follow your lead. So I think the this the the servanthood, it can kind of draw people to trust you, right? So when it when it comes time for decisions to be made, they can trust your decision because they know that you're willing to your sacrifice will match your what whatever the decision is, whatever big decision that you need to make. Your partner knows that your sacrifice will match that, yeah. If he's making this decision, I know I could trust him because yo, he was just down there scrubbing toilets. So I know if it comes time for us to get a business or for us to whatever, I know he would do whatever it takes because it's nothing that he won't do for our family, there's nothing that he won't do for our kids, there's nothing that he won't do for our marriage, you know what I'm saying? Gotcha. I think I think leadership, and that's not looked at at all, bro. I think leadership, I believe that leadership starts first with service, of course.

SPEAKER_01 10:53

Okay, so with that in mind, in the home, if there's a disagreement, if you and your wife happen to argue, how how do you resolve it constructively, or do arguments escalate into like that prolonged silent treatment? We all just walking past each other, is it yelling, is the shouting? How do you guys clarify that stuff also without letting the kids know? Because that's a big thing as well. This is going right here. Can we tell you something, bro?

SPEAKER_04 11:18

My wife, she's Dominican, she's very, very spicy for me, and um, I'm pretty reserved. But if if you get me there, you earned it. That's it's the fault, you know what I'm saying? So now it's it's tough, bro. Because when she what when you're in an argument, it I don't think there's any conclusion that's gonna come from that reason being is because she is worried about getting her point across, I'm concerned about getting my point across. Nobody's hearing anybody, there's no understanding at all. The point of the argument is to obtain or gain at the end some kind of understanding so we can realign. Gotcha, right? Because there's a disconnection somewhere, right? Sometimes the disconnection don't even gotta come from the partner, okay. Sometimes the disconnection comes from an unmet need, you know what I'm saying? Okay, it's like yo, you know what? When you did this yesterday, I felt like this when you did this, okay. What you mean? I ain't even do it on purpose. That's your problem. You need to figure out why you feel the way that you feel, da da da. And it's like, but I just told you I was vulnerable, which men aren't taught to be wrong about. I was vulnerable with you. I told you what was the problem, I told you and expressed to you, yeah, what it is that is bothering me. And the first thing you do is defend why you did it, is defend you and not look at damn what is it that you're trying to tell me. I think if we come from a posture of trying to understand, which is very, very hard, then I think we will get to conclusions a lot faster, right? So I think posture is very, very important because yo, I'm the type of person I would talk, I will tell you how I'm feeling, but I gauge it, right? I do temperature checks. So I'm like, because I know once I get mad, bro, there's no coming back, and it takes a while for me to get there, but there's no coming back, and that that's my problem, you know what I'm saying? So if I have a problem, my wife, my wife, she's spicy, and she, you know what I'm saying? When she she yeah, she's spicy, bro. So, like, if if I have a problem, I can be like, Yo, look, I want to talk to you real quick. Okay, so now she knows I want to talk to her. Listen, when such and such happened, this is how I felt. I'm just telling you how I feel about what you may have done, okay. Because she feels attacked, right? She feels like I'm coming for her, she may try to defend herself. Those things, those two things necessarily don't have anything to do with one another. Meaning this, her defending herself has nothing to do with me because I didn't attack her. She came from a space where she's constantly attacked, and she had to learn how to defend herself and how to protect herself. Okay, because all of us here in life, we would do anything to not feel pain. The only time we are cool with feeling pain if we can see the results immediately afterwards. For example, going to the gym.

SPEAKER_01 14:32

Yeah, I was just thinking that you know what I'm saying, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:35

You know what I'm saying? If it wasn't for the immediate results of us going to the gym and getting pumped up and swole and all that, how much people will go outside immediately and try to pick up a car or stand in front of one while it's driving a hundred miles an hour just to see if the results are really the results. Yeah, yo, did I really get strong or not? How am I gonna test this out? If you want a bad pump, bro, there'll be a lot of dead people, you know what I'm saying? So, but what I would so aside from that, people will do we do whatever it takes to not feel pain. Pain is very uncomfortable, so we come up with these things called defense mechanisms, right? These are things that protect us from feeling pain. So she has dealt with a lot, and because she is she's also um Hispanic, and she came up in a bronze as well, it's tough down there, you know. And she comes from you know, and none of our parents really know how to properly defend themselves, whatever. We have to come up with stuff to not feel what we're feeling. Her way of doing that is to defend herself, be snappy, be sarcastic, be whatever. That right there will keep the whatever pain is coming, it will keep it at bay. So when I'm coming to her with something that had that even looks remotely close to me attacking her, she does that.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

You know, it's interesting what you say, and there's a word you didn't use, but I often say at my house that word triggered. People love saying that word, and it's funny, I had to break it down, and I tell mine, like, listen, triggers are something that happens internally. And she said, What are you talking about? I said, Well, just you know, I have lupus, okay. Now, my trigger is the sun. Now, inherently, there's nothing wrong with sunlight, the sun is there, it you know, makes the trees grow and the plants grow and all the other stuff. It's wonderful. The trigger is how my body treats the sun, so it's an internal thing, it has nothing to do with the sun itself. So, her favorite thing to say is, Oh, well, you triggered me. No, you triggered yourself because I said something that made you uncomfortable. You decided to interpret it the way you want to interpret it, and that's how you applied it. So it's the same thing, like I said, with my lupus. The sun hits my skin. If I don't have on sunblock after a prolonged amount of time, my body interprets that vitamin D as a threat, and so my body does what it does to try to protect itself, which is swell up. Okay, we got to get rid of this stuff, send it to the joints because that's the only place we can send it. So that's why I swell. So it has nothing to do with the sunlight itself, it has to do with the sunlight comes in. My body doesn't know how to treat what's coming in, and so it reacts defensively and ultimately hurts itself. I always say you can't defend yourself, especially married couples, you can't defend yourself from yourself. You can't. If someone is coming to you with something that needs to be addressed, it's an internal thing. You know, I've never seen anyone get upset with their stomach because they got diarrhea, or upset with their head because they have a headache, or upset with their teeth because they have a toothache. It's something that happens internally. You address it so that you can move forward, and you try to find that root cause of okay, what's triggering this? Oh, I have a cavity, I gotta see a dentist. Yeah, or I'm lactose intolerant, and I had six things of ice cream. That's what's happening. But we and anytime it happens in our body, personally, we always look for what happened. I woke up with a bump on my leg. What happened? I must have got bit. And now I'm looking for spiders or mosquitoes, or like I said, well, your stomach hurts. You're looking. What's the first thing people say when they have their stomach ache? What did I eat last night? They're looking for the source of where the pain is coming from. However, when it comes from the spouses, how dare you? Because three weeks ago, you looked at me this way. There's no identification of why did I say this like that? Why did I snap like this? Right, why did I interpret what he said when he said, We need to talk. I don't like the way you looked at me that time. Why did I interpret it that way? They never never nobody ever does that, and this is me. This is me personally as well. And this is me speaking personally, not just bashing women because I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It happens to me as well. If there's an ineffective leadership decision, or if I thought something was gonna work out that didn't it's well, as soon as I hear it, I'm like, Well, listen, I'm just trying to make things better, you know, because you like to spend money. I always bring it back, yeah, yeah. You know, instead of looking like why did I make the decision?

SPEAKER_04 18:55

And that's that's very true. Because even to me, I don't like being yelled at. Don't yell at me, you know what I'm saying? I don't like being yelled at, and you know, they they they could be very loud. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes she she could be very loud, and I'm like, Yo, I'm you yelling at me. To me, that indicates that like you're above me, right? That you're better than me, or that you're trying to attack me, you know what I'm saying? It could be physically, verbally, or what have you. You know what I'm saying? So immediately I'm gonna try to defend myself and I become very defiant. You know what I'm saying? So I gotta work on that because I need to know that in that moment she's not trying to do that, you know. She's not trying to hurt me, she's not gonna hit me, she's not, you know what I'm saying? It's not any of that, yeah. So I like, but in those times, like it's hard, it's really, really hard. So even to add a like another layer, so being married, we have gotten into fights. I've have given, I have given her, I don't even want to say the silent treatment, because like I feel like the silent treatment, it's like you just be quiet and I think you're looking for a result from the other person. I don't talk to you if I won't talk to you if I feel as though I can't.

SPEAKER_03 20:10

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_04 20:11

You know what I'm saying? Because I talk, you know what I'm saying? So it's like if I can't talk to you, then I won't. You know what I'm saying? And that that frustrates me because oh, so you didn't know.

SPEAKER_01 20:59

Yeah, everything everything you said, though, I mean, it is is right on point. You know, what's the point in talking to someone if you feel they're not gonna listen? You know what I mean? It's like, and then you get upset because in your head you're making sense. In my head, this makes complete sense. I don't like eggs for breakfast, so stop making omelets. In her head, it's I like omelets, and you told me you like omelets before, you know what I mean? So if I can't speak to you in a way that we're both gonna understand, in a way that we're both gonna be able to establish, or like you said, reconnect essentially after a disagreement. Maybe it's better just to be quiet. You know, we all heard it. You don't got nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_04 21:41

And and like, but a better way to to to handle that is to kind of look through all the look through all the the the filigree, if you will. So it's like, all right, um, so this this this this is kind of like the service part too, right? To to learn your partner with the intent to understand. Them right so try to understand them so because we understand each other, the more we understand each other, is the better the communication will flow, I believe. So it's like, all right, if I know you and I know you come from an environment that has caused you to defend yourself in this manner, I know I'm not attacking you, so you respond to me in that way. I need to know and probably be the leader in that regard to offer you like a safe space. Yo, look, I'm not coming for you, you don't have to talk to me that way. You know what I'm saying? I'm just trying to explain something to you here. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to this is what I'm trying to convey to you. I know you're not attacking me. This is coming from something else, you know what I'm saying? And this could help them be aware. Oh, shoot, yo, I'm wilding, I'm wilding, but I think it comes from a place of yo, man. This is very yo, this is very laid, bro. This is very laid because it's like it's like learning your partner, and when when you learn your partner, you could better cater to them, but you do run the possibility that that that it may not be reciprocated, you know what I'm saying? You do run that risk, but like when you marry someone, bro, when you marry someone, what you do is you declare war on your conditions, conditions meaning like the things that made me who I am in rough times, those things I may have to forsake for the sake of my partner. You know what I'm saying? So marriage, you know, marriage and relationships and all that kind of stuff, like it can't really selfish people, but it won't for long. Marriage requires two people to be selfless, right? Like if it's gonna work, it can still function, but it's not gonna work as is as it's intended. So, like, say you got somebody that is that's willing to serve that comes from a posture of yo, how can I help you? Instead of yo, what's wrong with you? You know what I'm saying? Somebody could come from that posture, and other past the other person could come from a posture of selfishness. That's like driving your car with a spare tire, it could work, you know what I'm saying? But that wasn't the intention, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:34

It was just to get you somewhere safe so that you can get the attention you need, you feel so that you can get the real tire that needs to be on the car. You feel me? I got you, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:43

So, like, but but that that right there, I think service, like, and this might even go on to the next um question because I I I believe that joined the perk, uh, yeah, I believe yeah, man. Yo, I all right. So, this is the other thing. This is the other thing I was gonna say. Yo, I'm telling you, man, I got a lot to say on this, man. So, all right. So, I was thinking the other day, right? And you ever been to Chick-fil-A? Yeah, right, you've been to Popeyes, yeah. Right, and Chick-fil-A, right? Do you see the lines is always the yo, they lines is always the lines is always long all the time, yeah. Right, Popeyes, the lines is always empty, yeah. Right. Do you know that Chick-fil-A is way more unhealthy than Popeyes?

SPEAKER_01 25:31

I wouldn't have imagined that.

SPEAKER_04 25:32

No, that's crazy, right? Yeah, I'm just thinking about it. What's the big deal with Chick-fil-A? Their sandwiches is you know what I'm saying? Like they may put something out every once in a while, seasonal, but it's usually the same stuff. What is it that makes Chick-fil-A Chick-fil-A and Popeyes Popeyes? Well, one thing I noticed was the service. That's it. The service can pack the lines, bro. Popeyes has horrible service, and I believe that they chick their food is better than Chick-fil-A, you know what I'm saying? But nobody's ever had Popeye, they service is trash, right? So, okay, how does that correlate to to marriage and relationship? Okay, cool. They service will make you come back, right? So, what is it that we are doing or what our partners are doing to make us want to come back home? To want to come back and share something with you, to want to come back and do stuff with you, to want to come back and really want to know you, because it's like when we get into these discussions or when we butt heads and we get into arguments, I think a post of how can I help you? I believe that we will come to conclusions a lot faster, bro. A lot faster. So it's like, all right, she's pissed at me, I'm pissed at her. If she comes to me and is like, yo, I notice you're mad, and you don't get mad for no reason, yo, how can I help you, bro? What's going on? Yo, when I tell you I will melt, I would yo, I would, I I'll tell I'll tell her everything. I'll tell her everything. I tell her whatever, because she she wants to help me. You want to help me? That's crazy. Instead of yo, what's wrong with you? I don't understand why you're so sensitive, I don't understand why you get like that. I don't understand why you behave this way or why you say the things that you say, you attacking me. Yeah, we ain't gonna get nowhere. So I think posture is important, but imagine if two people came with uh yo, how can I help you? Yo, you upset, and I'm here to make sure that your life is easier. You committed your life to me, you committed your time to me. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Like that joint is important to me, you are important to me. How can I help you? I think if that comes on both sides, man, yo, they will there will be no silent treatment, they wouldn't be no yelling and screaming at one another, you know what I'm saying? I I think that will reduce if the heart opposite changes.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

I I agree, and and so with with that, how do you establish the healthy balance between being a parent and being married, or you know, being with a girlfriend or boyfriend whom you have a child with and you live with? Not saying that the relationships are different, obviously, with between marriage and dating, but domestically, when you're residing in the same house, how do you establish the healthy balance between being mom and dad and then being husband and wife?

SPEAKER_04 28:38

I feel like alignment is extremely vital when it comes to that. Okay, first of all, even though we're different, like like the um, like the NBA champions that were, you know, yep, the the New York Knicks, you know what I'm saying? Even though they have players at different positions, crazy different personalities. You got a Jamaican, a Puerto Rican, a Dominican on the same team, you know what I'm saying? Like it's such differences, but they were aligned in the goal, right? The goal is to get ship, yeah, the goal is to whatever. I think with alignment, I think everything else would kind of fall into place because we we will both look back up at what we agreed upon. So it's like, all right, cool, establish a balance, okay. When it comes to parenthood, for example, the kids are important. Okay, cool. If you're married and you got kids, the kids are important, but we need to prioritize our marriage because the result of whatever condition the marriage is in, yeah, right. So we need to prioritize ourselves, which means yo, look, use your community, yo. Look, Joelle, can you hold down these kids? I'm about me and wifey about to go out to dinner real quick. Say no more, yeah. So we get you guys to reconnect so the your kids can get the best quality care from you, right? That's important. So I think alignment, alignment meaning that you guys both value that. I think that will help maintain the balance, alignment and consistency. So keeping that alignment together, keeping those priorities that you guys prioritize, like say you guys hold marriage as number two, keep it there, don't let it fall to number three or number four, whatever. Both of y'all need to align on the on the on the same things that that's important because it's going to benefit or hinder your kids. If you're not married, alignment is still important. Yo, listen, look, we in this for the kids because you got some situations where the alignment is okay, we we in it for the kids, but then somebody has an ulterior motive, you know what I'm saying? Like, well, the kids is important, but you can't date nobody. So if I see that you got a girlfriend, or if I see you got a boyfriend, you know, I'm I'm gonna turn up. Like, how could you? Whatever, then your goal wasn't the kids, the your goal was to make sure that I'm not happy, and you're using kids to do that, yeah. You know what I'm saying? So I think alignment is important, and both working together to make sure that that thing that you guys are aligned on it stays there because we fall out of alignment all the time, all the time. So, I think it's important to have a common goal. If you're not married, okay, cool, you got a kid together, you guys not in a relationship. The goal is to make sure that your kids is good. So, anything in my personal life or whatever that's really not really your concern, really. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, your kids is good, we make sure that the kids are good, we're picking them up, I'm dropping them off. I'm sending you money, I'm not sending you money, you picking them up, you buying them clothes or whatever. We stay right there, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

And and it's it's critical, like you said, to be in alignment, you know, especially if you just take it into everyday terms, a car. Every car comes out of the factory fully aligned, but as you go down the road and you hit potholes, as you turn that wheel too hard to left, too hard to right, you slam on them brakes, even though the two front wheels should both be facing 100% forward. Sometimes one of them gets a little lazy eyed, like big and small, and not one of them is looking left or looking right. Well, I know we've all seen those cars uh driving down the street, those souped up little Hondas when the wheels are too big and they bowed out, you know what I mean? With with the top of the top of the wheel looks like it's in the wheel well, and the bottom looks like it's way out past the doors. So you know, as you're going down the road of life, of parenthood, of relationships, you're gonna hit those potholes, you're gonna hit those snags where somebody might get out of alignment, where somebody misunderstands something, and then they put that on the back burner. But every time an argument comes up, they bring it right back. So getting, like you said, back on that alignment is important, just to make sure you know everything is good. And I remember I heard someone say before they do a weekly check-in with their spouse, like a business meeting on Sunday night. Yes, if there was a grievance during the week they didn't understand, or something that was said or done that they didn't like, they bring it on Sunday night because Sunday night they know this is our time to sit, have this discussion. No one's caught off guard, no one feels like they're being blindsided. It's we're gonna sit down, we're gonna discuss. So this week, when you did this, I didn't like it. This is why, this is how it made me feel, and then the other person has a chance to respond, but it's not in the argumentative way, right? It's not in the heat of the moment because a lot of times that's where arguments arise. I feel like you just did me wrong or you disrespected me. I'm gonna tell you about yourself right now. Yes, sir. Whether whether we in Universal Studios or at the house or at church, I think people don't care. People get it in, you know what I mean. When people feel like they get offended, they get it in. So, people, please remain aligned with your partner. If you need to do weekly status check-ins, if it's every night when you're sitting in bed scrolling on the phone, make the time to make sure that you guys are still going if if you want your relationship to work, I'll say, yes, make sure that you're you're checking in with that partner to make sure things are healthy, not just for yourself, but for your kids. With that being said, why is it healthy for kids to see that healthy mom and dad relationship?

SPEAKER_04 34:09

I think it's healthy because they're most likely repeat it, most likely repeat what they see. Um, and us as adults, I heard somebody say, uh, this is years ago, like we all kids, we just know how to behave in public, you know what I'm saying? So we ultimately uh repeat what we see from from the home, you know what I'm saying? So it's like if we see mom and dad fighting all the time, if we see mom and dad cussing each other out and all that, pops getting kicked out, mom getting kicked out. We are going to um repeat that most likely, you know what I'm saying? Or we could end up kind of doing the opposite, we can end up doing the opposite of that, but then really have no basis as to why, you know. You can still hurt somebody else by doing the opposite of what you were taught, but I think awareness is extremely important, like knowing why those things happen. Yo, it's not till when I got older that I realized that yo, my parents are people, you know what I'm saying? They're still people, like there's people that were trying to figure it out, like like we trying to figure it out right now. You know what I'm saying? They were those people trying to figure it out, and they didn't even have as much resources as we did, they didn't have podcasts, they didn't have no Instagram, they didn't have nothing. Yeah, they just had they just had what they had, and that was it. And then they had they it was even worse because um back then, back in those days, I think words held more weight depending on where they were coming from. So it's like there was a lot of women learning about how men are and how they should be, and they were learning them from women, you know what I'm saying? And then you have you have um same thing with men, and men are learning those things from women as well. This is how you treat a woman, uh, this is how you treat a woman, this is what women like, and they learn those things from men, and then you take that and we carry it and we repeat it and we repeat it and we repeat it and repeat, and it's still happening, it's still happening to this day, you know what I'm saying? And then, but what if we start asking questions, right? Like, yo, what if you don't like flowers? What if you like something else? What if you don't like going to the movies? What if you don't like chocolate on Valentine's Day? What if you what is it that you like? What is it that you are into, like learning to ask those questions and becoming curious about one another? Because kids will see that, the kids will repeat that too, you know what I'm saying? Um, and they they will understand like what a relationship is because everything, everything, everything revolves around relationship. The way you see people behave, how you see them interact with one another. If you see somebody angry, you see somebody pissing in the middle of the street, you see somebody doing a backflip with into an oncoming traffic. You know what I'm saying? You see all kinds of nonsense that came from some kind of relationship. Relationships are everything, it's the core of who we are. Relationships are important, so they're going to seek certain relationships out because that's what they know from what they see at home.

SPEAKER_01 37:17

And and you know what is it's crazy you say that because a lot of what people learn is by what they see, and you know, I've had this conversation before with you, you know, just personally. I grew up in a one-parent household. Okay, so I don't know what being a dad looks like from my dad, but I know what it shouldn't look like, I know what my kids shouldn't feel like when I'm not present, right? So that determined kind of how I father now, which is what some people call a helicopter dad or whatever you want to call it. Yes, I want to be around my kids. If my kids are playing video games, sometimes I'll walk in the room and just sit on the floor and let them play. I love hearing my kids laugh and enjoy themselves, and it's also important to, like you said, when you're watching stuff to ask questions because a lot of life is seeing and and a lot of it is doing, but you got to understand why you're seeing and why you're doing those things. Yeah, I'll never forget I had a pastor. Uh, her name is Melissa, she gave a story one time she was preaching. She said, This young lady, she didn't give a name, watched her mom cook pot roast or meatloaf, excuse me. It was meatloaf. She watched her mom cook meatloaf as a child. And every time the mom cooked meatloaf, she made the loaf, she put all the ingredients in, she formed up the meatloaf, she chopped the ends off, put it in the pan, and threw it in the oven. Without asking questions, she just kept watching it time after time. As she got older, she got married, she had kids, she made meatloaf. She did the same thing, she formed it up, chopped off the ends, threw it in the oven. On the mom's deathbed, she asked her a question that's odd, mom. After all these years, why is it that you always cut the ends off your meatloaf? The mom said, I didn't do it on purpose, it just didn't fit in the pan. So, all these years, the mom who learned by watching her mom was throwing out good food simply because she watched her mom do it without asking the question, why are you doing this? So now she's made meatloaf for 40 some odd years by herself for her family, for her kids, her grandkids, and special occasion throwing out meatloaf simply because she saw her mom chop off the end without asking the question, Mom, why are you doing it? So it's important, like you said, to ask the questions. Yeah, not only do you see the behavior, but ask the questions. Why is this happening? Why are we doing this? You know what I mean? And why am I repeating maybe what I grew up with? Which leads me to my final question for you, yes, sir. What were your parents' dynamics like? Now I know both of your parents, I think they're wonderful people. I love your mom, I love your dad. They crack me up and tell your dad, I still haven't found that paint color, would that be enough design as well as I do? That's an inside joke. But how do you how do you consciously choose to repeat or break some of the habits you saw?

SPEAKER_04 40:03

So their dynamic was my father, and they more old school because you know they came from a uh a time before hours. So my father ran everything. My father ran everything, so he worked, and my mother worked, but then she stopped working to take care of us. But he worked, and she would kind of manage the the monies in the household where certain things go, and he will be out there working, he'll work, come home, work, come home, work, come home. So, but whatever decision had to be made, if he did consult her about it, it wouldn't really be in front of us, but he was also like the representative of the family, if you will. Okay, so whatever decisions are to be made, he would make the decision, you know what I'm saying? And my mother, even if we asked mom something, she would defer to him like a lot. And we didn't like talking to Pops before, um, because we really didn't understand who he was, and we just saw what it was, and mom never really challenged them either. She kind of played the behind the scenes type of person, so he he ran he ran the show. It's like, yo, not his hair, not his way or the highway, but you couldn't really go to mom because she would defer to him, so everything went back to him anyway.

SPEAKER_02 41:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 41:19

So, and when I got older, I'm like, damn, that's a lot of pressure on him because he came up, you know, his mom passed when he was young as well. And it's like he he knew certain things about how to be a man and stuff like that from his you know, from his father, and he has sisters and brothers, and they kind of looked to him as well. So it's like he's learning this on the fly, you know. I'm saying he's learning this on the fly. He started getting questions from me and my brother why you do this, why you did that? How come it was like this? And he's like, Yo, I don't know. I just did that, you know what I'm saying? I just did these things, and certain questions he didn't really ask mom because he didn't know, and that's because he was taught the way he was taught from like older uncles, you know, older aunts. This is how you treat a woman, this is how you treat a relationship, and then their culture, you know. The um, you know, he's from South America, their culture is different, you know what I'm saying? So it's like he didn't look, he didn't know to challenge those things. Damn, this is wrong, this is right. He didn't he didn't know any of that stuff. So the dynamic was like he he basically ran the show. My mother was like, I don't want to say, just so you could get the picture. She was like an executive assistant, and he was a CEO, he ran, and she just made sure that he was behind the scene making things, making sure that things ran the way it was supposed to. But he was in the forefront, like, yo, look, we move into this spot, we get in this crib, we doing this, I'm getting that caught. You couldn't ask him nothing, we couldn't tell him nothing, you couldn't ask him nothing because he worked hard, so it's like, what you gonna tell him?

SPEAKER_01 43:04

Yeah, you know what I'm saying? That's true, it's true. So, and you know, is and it's interesting, you know, just hearing the difference between how you grew up in your household and how now you're running your household. Because in the beginning of this episode, we talked about that. Was the first question we had, so it's kind of a full circle moment. How do you make decisions? Is it joint, or was one of the person that had the final say? And to hear, okay, I grew up watching my dad be the leader or the or the front man, we'll call him. Yeah, he was the front man. Regardless, if we ask mom, it still came back to the front man, the front man still had the final say, as opposed to how you are managing your household, whereas, okay, I speak to my wife and ask her for her advice because she sees things I don't. You know what I mean? She may have an opinion on something, or you know, whether that be where you live or what kind of car y'all drive or where the kids go to school, but you have the same, you have a very opposite. It rather uh disposition from how you grew up, you know. So maybe you know what I mean. Like, could you imagine walking in your house and tell your wife, listen, man, this is where we're gonna live. This is what you know what I mean. The kind of discussion that would follow would be very uncomfortable for everybody involved.

SPEAKER_04 44:16

Well, you want to know something? Like, even if I was to do that, she would still follow, she would still follow suit, she'll be miserable. She'll be miserable, but she'll still she'll still follow suit. Um, my thing, like now, my parents are more of a unit of a of a of a of a team, like they I don't want to say like they know each other like on a more like on a friend type level, the dynamic has softened a lot, and I think it's because we're not there, you know. We old, we older, we moved out or whatever, so we're not there. So, and like as he's softened up, and that's and and also with our life experiences, too, like me, my brother, my sister, and we come with questions, so that will kind of change how they would move as well. Like, damn, we've been together for 40 something odd years, and they've been through some things. And it's like, wait a minute, like, yo, my mother watches the games with my father, she knows the players, she can call out plays, which is crazy. You know what I mean? She's like, Yo, you see, cat, yo, why is cat not picking and popping? You know what I'm saying? Why cat not in the post? Like, ma'am, yeah. So that that was that wasn't the case before. Something happened along the line that made her feel easy or safe or comfortable enough to I don't know, I guess, join him in his world, and it's not even his world anymore, it's theirs. You know what I'm saying? So something something something happened, he let go of something to allow her in in that way. Yeah, something happened. I believe it's because he sees me, Oz, and even the people we we brought around, even even you, you know what I'm saying? I know they look and they see us and what's going on, and it's like, nah, bro. And then with the grandkids, they you know, you you already know they break, they break the grandparents, they break easy, you know what I'm saying? Right away, yeah. So I I think, and and and I like that because that's a testament to their evolution, they're still growing, they're not capped off, like yo, this is it, this is me, that's it. They still continue to grow and evolve and change, and he's still sharing stuff, which is which is very, very encouraging. Yeah, encouraging.

SPEAKER_01 46:55

That's that's dope feedback, and and shout out to mama and Papa Benjamin, yeah, two of my favorite people in the wide world. There's a fun fact for everybody listening to the podcast. Joel's been my best friend since 2001 when we were in 10th grade. And uh, another fun fact, my son is actually named after Joel. I gave my son's first name from this man's last name. This is how much I appreciate this brother. This is how much I believe in the things he says, this is how much I believe in the character of the person I'm speaking to. So it's not to say that he's just a friend, so I brought him on, it's not to say that he's just educated, so I brought him on, but I have 25 years of real life experience with this person. We were college roommates, you know, even through having kids and being in high school and chasing girls, and after high school and after college, just being adults and trying to find our way in life. This person has always been someone I've been able to call on at any time. And right now we are in a two different time zones. This man is three hours ahead of me. But if I picked up my phone at midnight and called him, I am 100% sure he would answer. That's the kind of person that I'm speaking to right now. So, again, shout out to Mama and Papa Benjamin for raising some outstanding kids. Not so much with Oswan, but I love him anyway. Uh but this is my family that we're speaking about. So, here we go. This episode is about to wrap up. So, uh Joel, I want to give you the floor and let you give your final thoughts about the dad and mom dynamic.

SPEAKER_04 48:19

Well, with the data, the first of all, let me say this. Uh, D, thank you, man, for for for your words. Thank you for having me on. And um, you since you since you since you came into my life, bro, back in Earth Science, you changed my life and still do, bro. I'm gonna deny it because of you, and from there, a lot of things have have have have come to pass from there, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 48:42

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_04 48:43

Wow, wow, thank you, man. I'm OD humble, bro, about by your words for real. Um, let me see the mom and dad dynamic. What I would say is this mom and dad dynamic for those that are married. The thing that can help, or where we can start at, and I think that's really all you need, is if two of you agree to come with a posture of servanthood to the other, because both of you guys come from two different parts, even with the genders, two different types of conditioning. But if both of you guys come together to serve the other, I believe that things will be a lot more bearable when it comes to life. You guys will face life together instead of your partner being part of life's problems. Um, alignment is important, discussing what priorities are and aligning yourselves together with those priorities. For those that are not married, I would say to this, uh, I would say this um come together and really, of course, set boundaries, um, and then align on what's really important. The kids are important, so stay aligned there, and it's gonna be hard because you two are familiar with one another, and if it's so that you guys end up getting back together, and it's great, that's great. If that's not the case, just keep the kids in the forefront, they are important, they are significant, and so are you. So, I would say for the sake of them to realign because whatever position you guys' position is, uh, they get a result of it, and we want to make sure that our kids are great, uh good people, and um, and they may in turn teach you guys a few things as well.

SPEAKER_01 50:47

Dope. And I we appreciate your time, Joel. We appreciate your insight, not only from your education, but just from your life and being able to share just you know bits and pieces of your life, whether that be about your childhood or how you're how you're shaping your kids' childhood right now. Uh, we thank you for your time and we appreciate everything you've done. And I will say this Joel is an incredible artist. He is guy draws, the guy paints, he does it all. So, Joel, please tell the people where they can find you on social media.

SPEAKER_04 51:14

Sure. Um, on Instagram is Joey Benjamin underscore. So J-O-E-Y B E N J A M I N underscore. Um TikTok is the same thing. No, TikTok is J-O-E-Y-B-E-N-J-A-M-I-N-85. Um, yeah, Facebook is just Joel Benjamin. Um, yeah, I gotta get some more stuff out there. I've been slacking on the TikTok heavy, but uh you can find me on there, mostly on Instagram though, Joey Benjamin underscore.

SPEAKER_01 51:46

Again, folks, you look him up. The guy can draw, he can paint, he does characters, he does people. I've seen him, I've seen him do it all. So, with that being said, Joel, again, we thank you for your time, brother. And I'm gonna wrap up this episode by giving my final thoughts. So, my final thoughts on this episode, guys, the dad-mom dynamic is important for several reasons. Uh, first reason it's important is because your kids are seeing it. Anything you're exposing your kids to ultimately shapes how they feel about that certain institution. So, if you grow up in a household where your parents are always complaining about work, your work ethic will be diminished because you see work as a burden. If you grow up in a household where your parents are talking negatively about you or your siblings, you will see parenthood as a burden. It's often attributed how kids grow up. Their thoughts, their actions on things are based on how we present them. If you present vegetables as a good thing, kids will eat vegetables. If you present vegetables as a bad thing, kids won't eat vegetables. It's just that simple, folks. Control your outlook, control your mindset when it comes to what you're presenting to your kids. Ultimately, the decision to be with or without the person that you had that kid with is your choice. However, if there are situations where you guys are forced to be in the same room or the same vicinity, whether that's a graduation, whether that's a wedding, whether that's a doctor's appointment, be there and be present for your kids. Nothing wrong with being cordial with someone that you're not a hundred percent aligned with. I work with people that I don't particularly care for personally, but they're at my job. When I'm at my job, my job is to be professional, my job is to conduct business as usual. And it's the same thing in your household. Conduct your business as usual, be the best representative for your kids that they can see. Keep them at the front of mind. Remember that your relationship with that significant other, the person that you lay down with, to have those kids is important. The dad-mom dynamic stretches far across a kid's lifestyle. There are people who don't believe in marriage because of it, there are people who don't believe in relationships, there are people who don't believe in love because of what they grew up watching. So I'm not saying that you have to pretend or put on a face in front of your kids and pretend that everything's okay because it doesn't have to be that way. Because we don't want our kids to do that with us when we ask them questions. However, what I am saying is be the best you you can be. If there's something that's going on in your relationship, like we spoke about in this episode, get realigned. Everything comes out of alignment at one point or another. I work with wood and tools, and I've built sheds and decks, and I know for a fact that if I take out a screw that's been holding two pieces of wood together and I try to place it back, it may not go perfectly back into the same hole that it came out of. I just replaced the back wheel on my bicycle. I had to take the bike wheel off and take it to the shop. When I came back, I could not get that bolt realigned to save my life. It took me more time to get the bolt realigned than it took the guy to replace the inner tube, put the tire back on, and put more air in the tire. So, realignment is key. It's very important, not only for you and your stimulus other, but for your kids to see that things come off track and they can get back on track. So, with that being said, we thank you guys for tuning in to another episode. Guys, exciting news. You can now find our podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want the uh the video version, you can also see that on YouTube. You can find us on social media, TikTok and Instagram at Dedicated Dads Online. And we also have a giving page now. If you want to support the page, you can give a one-time or monthly, but it helps to control the cost of the streaming platform and all the publication that it takes to be put on Apple and Spotify. So, with that being said, guys, we thank y'all for tuning in to another episode. We're gonna bring you another episode next week. So make sure you tune in. We'll be dropping episodes every Tuesday morning. So this episode will be available, and the next episodes will be available every Tuesday morning at 8 a.m. Eastern time. So with that being said, thank y'all for tuning in. Make sure you share, make sure you follow, and we go home.

SPEAKER_00 56:08

The broken bones and the both and the stomach living through. The pin themselves in the moment and smelling in the light, learning in the hill on my uncle, my fellow shore.

unknown 56:16

The way to be