How I Got Here - Getting Ready - Episode 2

In this first episode, I’m opening up about why I’m heading to Within, a ketamine retreat center in Austin. After 3.5 years of pain from CPTSD, family estrangement, and facing the end of a 30-year marriage, I’m ready to try something different. Raw, unfiltered, and straight from the heart — this is where my journey begins.

#Katabasis #KarriKennedy #KetamineRetreat #HealingOutLoud #CPTSD #TraumaRecovery #FamilyEstrangement #DivorceAndHealing #WomensWellness #MentalHealthMatters #PsychedelicTherapy #WithinRetreat #RawAndReal #MyStory #HopeAfterPain

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Okay, so why am I doing this podcast? Well, basically because nobody else was doing it. At least if they are, I couldn't find the podcast. And I thought, you know, I've got another podcast. It's pretty raw. I don't edit. I don't want to spend too much time. I want it just to be really fresh. And my thoughts and my feelings, experience, et cetera, et cetera. Maybe there'll be some interviewing in this podcast at some point, but right now I just kind of wanted to give people an inside look into what my experience is going to be going to this ketamine retreat center. And so I'm going to just give you a little bit of the basics right now. Um I, in a nutshell, um, I'm 55. Um, I work from home. I have my last two of six kids living here with me and my husband and our three dogs. Uh, we live west of Houston. And uh basically three and a half years ago, I had CPTSD. That caused a huge rift in our family and my our lives. It lasted for about seven and a half to ten months, uh roughly, and there's about. Um, it was really, really bad. And um, my kids completely estranged themselves from me. Um, I have three grandkids. I just recently found out about the third grandbaby being born. I didn't find out till like 12 days after it was born. That's how bad it is. So it that's a lot of stress and heartache and drama. It's a whole story. Um, but then that has caused a lot of friction, even in our relationship. For example, my husband took my two kids to California to see the new grandbaby, but I wasn't invited. So they basically had a family reunion without me, which is obviously hurtful and pretty Jerry Springer. So, fast forwarding, um, we're getting the divorce. He did some stuff that I was just like, I'm just over this. And it was just one night, and I was like, okay. Next day I asked him if he had any, you know, things, feelings, if he was gonna say anything. And in a nutshell, he's just non-apologetic and he just really doesn't want to take accountability. And if he does, I don't feel like it's to the level I want. So, fast forward, we're getting a divorce. So I called an old friend of mine. I've had breast cancer twice. Um, I guess I think the first time I was like 40 or 41, somewhere in there, and the second time I was like 47, 48. Um, anyways, the first time, so I guess that how many years ago is that? I I don't know. My kid is 16, I base it on that. About 15 years ago, I met this girl. I'm not gonna say her name here, um, but she says I basically saved her life. We she had cancer, I had cancer. I had a blog back then. It was called It's a Blessed Cancer Life. Um, it's you can't find it now. Um, but anyways, I had the blog and somebody told her about me, and I guess she called me up, and then she came. I said, come over to my house because she was scared to death. You know, that's they put the fear factor in you when you go to the doctors, when you get cancer. Anyways, I had left chemo after six months and went holistic, and um, it was all because I was, you know, the director of at this school program, and um, somebody gave me $5,000 so I could go see a holistic doctor. I'm giving you the really quick rundown, obviously. Anyways, so I went to go see the holistic doctor, and I ended up sh going more that route and sharing that with other people. And I shared it with this one girl. So, fast forward, you know, 15 years later, we're still friends, and she had gotten a divorce, I guess, six years ago. So I called her and I'm like, I'm getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage. We've been together 32. Um, and she's like, Well, yep, I can help you. Let's talk. And then when we were talking, I was telling her how frustrated I was, how heartbroken I was, how I don't trust, how I'm sad, how I'm crying, how I'm frustrated. I mean, all totally valid reasons why I should have those feelings. Um, but she said she told me about this place. It was called um, well, she didn't even say the name of the place. She said she went to a resort and uh she was there for a week and a half. And actually, when she went, the building they just remodeled and the building was under construction. So she didn't actually stay at the facility, she stayed at like uh Airbnb nearby. So she didn't get the full experience that I think I'm or hopeful to get because I am going to be staying there. Anyways, so fast forward, I guess this is about two weeks, maybe three weeks ago, that this whole conversation, not even two weeks ago. Um, and she told me about this, and we talked for about four and a half hours that week about all kinds of stuff. You know, um, she actually said that cancer itself was trauma. And I was like, really? Because I thought estrangement and moving and all these other things were trauma. I never thought of cancer as trauma. And she said that's one of the reasons she had anxiety and she went there. And uh, so, anyways, four and a half hour conversation, guys. Not gonna get into all that right now, but it was it was a transformative week. It was half an hour on the phone, one lunch, and one dinner. And it really just changed my way of thinking about all kinds of stuff. And I was like, you know, I'm in a difficult place in life. I'm trying to figure out all kinds of things. How I feel towards my husband, how I feel towards my kids, how I feel about my future, how I feel about family, how I feel about just everything, like my the divorce, like just so much, grandkids, everything. It's just layer on top of layer on top of layer. And then, you know, I have my childhood, he has his childhood, we have our different attachment styles and our ways of getting along, and you know, just all of it. There's just so much. And um, I said, I just I don't know what to do. It's been three and a half years, something that I thought would take two days, two weeks, maybe two months to get over. I thought my family would rally around me and love me and care for me and and be there because I went through CPTSD and instead they totally dissed me and don't talk to me. And um, I've struggled with that for a really long time. It's gotta be the worst pain, trauma, stress. There's nothing that will ever compare to it in my life. I know that. I mean, hell, I could be, you know, kidnapped and tortured, and it wouldn't hold a flame to what I've been suffering uh for the last three and a half years. So, anyways, she suggested that I go to this retreat, and she said um it was it changed her life. Quote, it changed my life, is what she said. And I was so one of the other things she said is that her anxiety was so high she had to stop working, and she also um had struggled with even the basic things, you know, getting the laundry flipped over or doing the driving or anything. She was just really, really high anxiety, like at nine to twelve, dependent on the day. And I said, Well, where's your anxiety now? This is us at this nice restaurant in the patio. And she says, Well, I don't have any. Zero. I'm like, wait a minute. You're saying to me, you're sitting across from me right now. And it's been, oh, it had been like oh five, six weeks since she had been there, I guess. And she said she has zero, like zero anxiety and stress like she did before. And I was like, what the hell is this magic? You know, you know, this is amazing. And um, I haven't done tons of looking into actually what the compounds are, exactly what parts of the brain hits, exactly what it does. Um, but from my understanding, instead of therapy, which is just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, which obviously I can do, um, and you're trying to wrap your head around it and make sense of it. And, you know, there's all of that. This gets you more at more of an emotional level. Uh, from what I understand, you're just making peace with, you know, God, the world, the universe, yourself, you're forgiving yourself. So you, it's not just doing the drug and then you go off on your merry way. There's like therapists and and counselors. I'm not sure what their actual titles are. I'll give you more in-depth information when I get there and figure that kind of stuff out. Um, but they have something, well, they call it integration. So you basically go into from this is from what I understand. And like I said, I'll get more into this in more detail than future episodes. But basically, she said you lay down and they put um headphones on your ears and they put an eye mask over you, and you're in this nice, comfortable place on the ground, like on like kind of a mat or something, and they give you the drug. I don't, I'm guessing they give it to you via a shot. I don't even know where the shot goes in. Things to find out. Um, but then you're in this like room for like I think she said three hours. I could be wrong. And you're just with your thoughts and listening to the music and all that. And then afterwards, you have feelings and emotions and thoughts, visions, whatever. And then afterwards, you process that. Um, she didn't talk about any kind of side effects or if you're hungry before or after, or any of that. We didn't we didn't talk about that. We were also playing a little bit of catch up just on our lives. So the whole conversations were not just everything about the retreat. But um, anyways, so after that week, I was like, I need to do this. That that was just that was enough. I talking to her just really made me think this is my hope because I had when I back in the day, back when CPTSD happened, I had a therapist, I had a psychiatrist, I did a little bit of um oh antidepressant kind of drugs, um, I read tons of books, you know. I I did my best and I learned about regulation, I learned about CPTSD. It was kind of like cancer, in the fact that before I had breast cancer, I didn't really understand what chemo was, what can't like I didn't you you have to go through these things before you know. And so, unless you've ever had PTSD or CPTSD, which stands for complex, and which means mine was tied to the the exact moment that it happened, uh, with the exact same feelings from my childhood, and I can tell you all about that, but it was it was kind of crazy, anyways. Um, so it was definitely instigated by a human in my house, is how that happened. And I my nervous system was just shot and I I I could not function. I it was a it was a whole thing. Um, but the thing is, ever since that happened, it really was my life before that incident and my life after. My life hasn't been the same and it hasn't gotten better. I just go through the motions and I go through the day, and it's put a huge strain on our marriage and now the divorce, and just trying to figure out my life and where to go and what that looks like and all of that. So, anyways, I I'm not even sure if that followed a train of thought there. Solid track. Um, but here's here's where I'm at. So after uh all that and figuring out I needed to do something because none of that had really made any lasting change, right? Um I I you know, I I think that I did a lot of prayer, a lot of asking. Um, and I I feel like I never got there. And I heard somebody recently say that the part of your brain that really connects with God and listens to God and hears the voice of God can't really be on the same level because when you're in fight or flight mode and you're in your nervous system is shot, you're in self-protection mode. And so you can't be in a place where you receive that. And um, there's a whole bunch of science and and brain stuff. I could look it up and figure that out for another episode. But basically, that made sense to me. And I don't know if it's true or not. I I don't know all the details, but I think maybe that's what happened to me. Um, but I've been mad at God, I've been mad at my husband, I've been mad at my kids, I'm mad at myself, even though I wasn't even in charge. Like I feel a lot of victimhood because I truly a million percent was not in charge. Like it was like I was almost being possessed, is the way I would say it. Like I got my hands started shaking. I was saying words I didn't even remember. My husband said I said names that he I hadn't said for 30 plus years, you know. It was just a really weird um experience I would never want anybody to go through. But my point is that that catalyst was kind of like a big bang theory, if you will. You know, it was just my whole world was just shot. And I was uh pretty, you know, thought about suicide, have thought about it a lot. Um, have thought just life sucks, life's horrible, my people don't love me, you know. I you just it's awful. And um so Heidi saying this was like giving me hope. It was like, wow, maybe, maybe, just maybe they can help me not care as much. You know, I mean, I what am what am I going for? Um, yeah, I want to not care as much. I want to have peace and I want to be thankful and grat grateful for my life and not stress as much, not be upset or disappointed as much when things don't go my way. And I think that's really, I mean, I'm sure I could come up with some other things, but right now, just talking to you off the cuff, those are the big things. I don't want to be stressed, I want to have peace. I really would like to forget that part of my life and move on. Obviously, I still live with my husband, my kids still obviously still don't talk to me. If I could take, you know, the red pill, green, blue pill thing and and just, you know, I that sometimes I'm like, yeah, I wish I could never remember any of this. And it would just be erased from my mind because it's so painful. So I'm hoping that going there will help me figure this all out because it's absolutely overwhelming. Like literally, just I could go on and on, but it's overwhelming. And so I the thing about this, I'm gonna tell you um many things about this. So let me just start off with where I'm going. Um, I don't even know how long this uh episode's gonna last. We'll see. I've been trying to go as fast as I can to get you the info. Um, I'm going to Austin to this place called Within. And it says, I think it even has a sign or something that says psychedelic retreat. And on their website, it talks about ketamine and it has yurts and it has like a temple. And I don't think it's associated with any kind of religion or anything, but it definitely um it is just like all-encompassing, like everybody love everybody kind of thing. Um, I don't know if that's too hippy-dippy trippy. Those those words I put together all the time. But um I, you know, I from what I understood from her, and she even said it again today when I sent her an audio message. She said, those people will always have a special place in my heart and my mind because they helped me get through the one of the hardest parts of my life, they transformed my life. And um, you know, that I think it speaks volumes, really. It really does. But, anyways, okay, let me go back just a teeny little bit. She she told me all about that, and I came home and I told my husband, I said, I really, really think I need to do this. This is a really important thing, and it cost a lot of money. This is the the thing I was telling you about. And I she told me it was 30 for her. This is what she told me back in the day. Now, prices have changed and things have changed because she lived off, she was off campus too. Anyways, hers was $3,300 per week uh for two ketamine sessions, and then like I don't even know exactly what all was involved, but it was $3,300 a week. Well, I mean, that's a lot of money. Point blank. That that's a lot of money. I mean, I don't know how much it is to stay for a week in a hotel or you know, whatever resorts, but that that to me that's a lot of money. So I was like, oh my gosh, but if I would go, I want it to be, I want to get four treatments and I want to be there for two weeks, and I really want to make a change, and I really want it to stick and be something awesome. And so I called up to the play. Well, first of all, I told my husband, and he actually said, Okay, and then I was like, Well, how would we pay for it? And at first I was thinking I was gonna have to save up money and it would have to be like, you know, another six months down the road. But he said we had a Southwest air card, Southwest Airlines card, and we could use that that way the points would go, whatever. Um, and so I was like, okay. So I called up to the place and I talked to this uh lady. Um, I'm not sure if I'm gonna use names or not. I need to talk to them about that, but um, she was very nice. I think she's the director. I I'm not sure exactly what her title is um or or what the names are they call everybody, you know, different places. Um, but she was very nice, and I told her that I had my friend and that's how much she paid, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, she gave me that price, and I was super excited that I was gonna get it for, I think it was $6,300. I was getting like a discount, $6,300. So $33 or $32, whatever she paid. Mine for two whole weeks, 14 days is what I thought I was getting, was gonna be $6,300. Well, it ended up to be that now uh here I am staying on campus, not in an Airbnb, and the actual total and everything would be something like $14,000. So it's been back and a lot of back and forth trying to figure out the money because I gave them the credit card over the phone. They have the $6,300, boom, done. But I didn't get a receipt of exactly what was included in that, which I lit live and learn. I think I should have done that, you know. This is what you're getting for the money, you know, kind of deal. Um, anyways, I have talked to so many people up there, um, probably seven or eight people at this point, and everybody's been very nice. I have um part of my issue for me is I have a seizure disorder on top of all the other things I told you about. I've had a seizure disorder. And um, while it's not an issue and I'm allowed to drive and I don't have epilepsy, they're called stress uh hormonal seizures. It is a part of my past. And and so when I was filling out the medical forms that you fill out, I put that on there. I kind of kicked myself a little bit for not saying that, but they're like, no, you need to be honest. But that created a problem because I was supposed to leave on Sunday morning and be there Sunday afternoon. And because Friday afternoon, I found out that I was declined because of this, I did not get medical clearance. And I was like, What the heck? And then they were like, We need your neurologist to sign off. And I was like, I don't have a neurologist. And they were like, We need you to get your regular primary doctor. And I'm like, I don't have a regular primary, we go to next level urgent care, you know. I was like, this is a really non issue. And then I went to PubMed, which is where all the published medical articles are. You can just type it in PubMed.com. And um, or is it it might be org? I don't think, anyways, look it up PubMed. And I found articles on how actually ketamine even helps people. With seizure disorders and stuff, lots of good, you know, reports in there. And I sent that to them. And anyways, I ended up had had talked to one nurse, and she said this. And then they were like, we need to get the other nurse and the medical direct, the they have a whole team. And they said, we need to talk to the whole team and have you have another interview. And so we went through all of this, like so Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Today is Tuesday. Um, and so it's been five days of talking back and forth with them, trying to get the doctors, whatever. First thing this morning, I was calling my oncologist because I had blood work done recently and they wanted to see my blood work. And I was like, okay, I don't know what my blood work has to do with ketamine, but whatever. I'm willing to jump through hoops so we can get this all cleared out. So, long story short, um, it ends up for me because of this, the deal and the miscommunication and all of the different things. For me, it's about $7,000 for me to go for 10 days, and I'll do three treatments, and then I get to go back later on. And um, that is pretty much whenever I want to. It could be a week later, it could be a month later, it could be a year later, and I'll get to stay one more night, and I will also um get another ketamine treatment. So that gets you really caught up. Now you you know all kinds of stuff, but here's here's where I'm at. I I'm excited, I'm I'm nervous, I'm happy, I'm grateful, I'm a little hesitant, a little, not tons. Um I'm ready. I'm really ready because I feel like this hopefully is going to be another turning point. Just like I feel like CPTSD was the worst thing that could ever happen to me in my life. And then the estrangement fallout from it. Um, and not having kids that uh you know care about me or talk to me or basically threw me away. That's the worst thing that could or will ever happen to me. I know that. So right now I only have good things going forward, and so to me, I'm looking at this as the future, my future, me getting my head on straight, me getting clarity, me getting uh purpose for the future and decision making and just just all of it. And so I'm super excited and and hopeful, really, I think, and honestly, if I'm I'm I'm being honest here, it's been really hard to be hopeful. I mean, like, unbelievably hard to be hopeful. I'm sitting here just talking, but there's been days where I've cried four hours in a day, you know, like cried so much that my eyes sting and it's just horrible. So the grief and the suffering and the pain that I've been dealing with for the last three and a half years, I I yeah, it's just been really awful. And so I'm I'm not suggesting that I won't ever have pain or sadness or difficulty anymore, but maybe I can have peace with the fact that people don't do and treat you the way you want them to, or sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to, and being okay with that, I think that's it at the end of the day. So I think I'm gonna wrap this one up. Uh, I'm gonna tell you what I've got going on. So I've already packed my bags. Um, I'm going to go through and I'm gonna make sure I've got some other, you know, random things in the morning. I'm gonna leave here around 10 o'clock. Hope to get there around one o'clock. I'm leaving from uh just west of Houston. I don't know if I said that, uh, to go to Austin. It the clinic is called Within Retreat Center, or maybe within psychedelic retreat center, something like that. And it's also with a camp or something that's called Awaken, but it's spelled A-W-K-N. Um, I think that's it. I think they call it Awaken like that, and it's spelled like that. I did look up a few restaurants nearby because I thought, hmm, maybe I can go have lunch somewhere before I get there. I don't know. I I love the idea that I will not have to cook, I will not have to clean, I will not have to tell kids to take the trash out, I I won't have to let the dogs in or out. I'll have freedom. And um, my oldest kid is almost 29. So I've been doing this for a really long time, uh, parenting and taking care of other people and household and all that. And the most I've ever left my house or left is I went on a cruise, and I think that was five days. That's the most I've ever been away from family, kids, dogs, house, all of that. So this is double that, and that seems like a really long time, but I'm super excited. It I was willing to go for 14 days, it just didn't work out financially that I could swing that. Um, so anyhow, um, I think my first podcast is giving you guys like a glimpse into where I'm at, why I'm going, what I'm doing. Um, I'm thinking, what would you be asking yourself? I will tell you this. Um, I did not put this on social media or anything. I did not tell the people at my church I'm a Christian. Um, I just I don't want to deal with that. There's one girl from church and she doesn't go there anymore. I told her. Um, I think there's a handful of like five of my friends who know about this, and they're all like high five, you go girl. Um, and I will tell you too, I have done two um two, what do you call them, sessions, two sessions of Reiki just in the last week. That's a whole nether ball of wax. I don't want to go too deep and too long in this, but I've just done those in the last, I don't know, five days or something, two Reiki situations, five to seven days. And so I had never done that before either. And that's that was interesting and and something to talk about later, too. Um, and I think they actually have that up at the retreat. So, anyways, my plan is to come back with episode two, and uh, I'm thinking what else? Oh, I I did tell you who I've told. I can't think of anything else. It kind of makes me wonder. But uh yeah, I'm mostly worried about my dogs um because I have three dogs and they're spoiled, and I feed them and water them and take care of them and play with them, and they're gonna miss mom a whole whole lot. And I'm gonna miss them. And so I'm just hoping that my husband and the boys will take care of um will take care of them. Uh, but yeah, that's it. So, all right, I got all that done in 30 minutes. That's not bad. You got a lot of information. It's a good start. Good start to the podcast, I think. All right, I'm excited. I hope you guys are too. See you in the next episode. Bye bye.