Preparing for Ketamine - Episode 5

It’s 5:20am, the morning of my ketamine treatment, and I’ve got 2 hours and 40 minutes to go. 

In this episode I’m getting real about the quiet — and why it’s messing with me way more than the treatment itself. When you’ve been wired for chaos your whole life, silence hits different. I talk about what I’m hoping to walk out of that room with today, why gratitude is harder than it sounds, and what it means to finally just… stop.

#KarriKennedy #Katabasis #KetamineTherapy #KetamineAssistedTherapy #MentalHealthJourney #HealingJourney #PsychedelicTherapy #WellnessRetreat #AcceptanceAndPeace #NervousSystemHealing #SoloRetreat #MindBodySoul #WomenWhoHeal #PersonalGrowth #Podcast #NewEpisode #SelfDiscovery #RawAndReal #HealingOut Loud

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Okay, so I'm back. It is seven o'clock in the morning, and I'm sitting off a room between I guess you would call it the sun room. It's between the kitchen and the outdoor pool area. And uh I'm let's see. I only got five and a half hours of sleep. I didn't go to sleep till like 12. Been up since like 520 or something. Um the bed was extremely comfortable. Um, I brought my own pillow because their pillows are very soft, so I'm I'm thankful about that. I like a harder pillow. Um, but yesterday I did the the sound garden therapy stuff, and that was at like 7:30. And then there's like not a schedule or a whole lot of activities and things going on. It's kind of a everybody's in their own lane and their own zone, which is interesting, um, to say the least. There's different groups meeting here, different individuals who are here for only a day. Some people are here for two months, some people are here for three months, whatever. Um, they're just all kinds of scenarios and situations. Um, the guy I'm hanging out with has had a history of uh addiction with major drugs, major drugs. And um, so he is coming off of those and he's detoxing, so he's very anxious, and um, his mannerisms and his body reflect that. And uh, we so I was feeling anxious, so I said, well, let's take a walk. So we kind of took a walk after we had done that and come back and just kind of stood around and didn't know what to do. Um, we weren't ready to go to sleep. Usually at home I would watch TV or something like that. Um, there is a TV room, but everybody who's been here says they never see it on. Um there's not one in the bedroom, which I mean, I get that. That's fine. There's a few other little things here and there. Um, but I'm like one of the first ones in here in the new facility, I guess, since they've been remodeling over the last month. Um, and so they're still fine-tuning it. There's, you know, little things here and there, like a light out, or um, they don't have trash cans in the bathroom, for example. I mean, in the bedrooms, for example. Little things. Um, and because I'm such a detail-oriented person, I notice everything, which is awful. Um, but there's little fresh flowers everywhere, and there's these salt rock lamps, and I'm sitting right next to, I just got up and made my own coffee because there's nobody else up. There's, you know, there's no Starbucks you can go to. So that kind of thing is uh it's interesting. It's different. Um, it's more like a bed and breakfast with strangers kind of thing. Um, but anyways, right next to me, there's some cool rock. Um, supposedly, the acreage that's here, there's a geologist kind of guy. So there's like rocks and gemstones and stuff all over the place. The room I'm in has multiple shelves with them, and they're very pretty. Also, um, there's two couches and a big chair here, and they're all extremely soft and cozy. It's just this is one of my favorite rooms because you can look out and I can see the sun rising. There's a piano in here, plants. It's just a very um nice room. I wish there was more color, once again. I think everything feels very, very white. Um, I would prefer color, but I mean, I guess white is calming, maybe. I don't know why they chose so much white, but um, the floors pick up color, and so that that's nice. Um, but what was I gonna say? So I've been writing a list of things that I suggest that they should get everything from water features and koi ponds to um fire pits because last night that's what we were talking about. We were like, too bad we don't have a fire to sit around and just hang out, and maybe there is one somewhere, and I just don't know about it. All the people I asked didn't know about one either. So that's it. Um, as far as going forward this morning, and I guess I'm just doing lots of little episodes. Um, they said you have to be fasting for at least three hours before you go do that. And then I said, Well, can I drink? Um, because I wanted coffee, even not knowing, I was hoping I'd sleep like, you know, seven, eight hours. I took sleep medicine and melatonin and my usual stuff. Um, but I knew I would want coffee so I didn't get a headache. And they said, Yeah, you can have it, but just be careful, you know. Um, ketamine is a natural calming, you know, thing. It'll just chill you out. So I should be fine, but I'm only gonna have a cup of coffee and then they're gonna have um, she asked us, do you want breakfast early, early and then lunch, dinner, or would you rather have brunch after? And we both said brunch because it's just the two of us, the guy um and and myself, that are gonna go do this at 10 o'clock. So I'm starting to get excited because now it's only three hours away. And this thing that started, I guess, two and a half, three weeks ago, is really here. It's like three hours away, and I'm I'm not scared, I'm not nervous. Everybody was like, is she gonna be okay? You know, I'm like, I've done drugs before, I've done X, I've done acid, um, I've done marijuana. I actually even did Coke once. Um, and uh, I don't remember every, you know, time or every scenario or situation and what it was like. It's been a long, long time. I mean, we're talking, I mean, college years and early marriage. So we're talking like 30 years ago. So I haven't done drugs in a really long time. Um, and this is a different setting and situation and everything, but um I don't feel like I'm completely, you know, understanding what psychedelics can do to you, obviously. Um, but anyways, yeah, it's kind of weird because I don't want to stay in the bedroom. There's no TV, there's no place to go. I tried to go outside and I made the unfortunate mistake of trying to lay down on this awesome chair I was on yesterday and realized real quick that we're in the hill country and everything is wet. Um, it's morning, dew, whatever, but I put my pants down, so uh I put my leg down and my pants are wet now. Um so I'm just uh I feel like I don't know if I want to stay the whole time right now, is where I'm at. And I'm not saying it's it's a bad thing. I just I'm I'm struggling with the quiet and the difference. I think that's the the key factor here for me. It's a lot of quiet, really, really quiet. And maybe I just need to get used to that. And why do I feel that way? Well, I know why I feel that way. My whole life has been chaos and go, go, go, and loud and you know, everything going on. Um, but even like at the house, we have the music on or the TV on or the kids talking or the dogs barking. There's there's always energy and noise and stuff going on. And here it's just this very serene, calming, tranquil kind of vibe. And and that's great. I'm not saying it's not, obviously. I think maybe it's just my nervous system needing to like get get it get a grip, girl. You know, like I just need to chill and be okay in that environment. And maybe that just shows how amped up I am. Um, because there's parts of me that are like, how after I do the ketamine treatment, how how long am I gonna be affected? What am I gonna be thinking? Am I gonna be tired? Am I gonna be energized? Am I gonna want to write stuff down? I I have no idea. And uh the guy I'm with, he's he did it six years ago. He did six treatments six years ago. And um, he said he didn't really notice much of a big deal, but he was addicted to drugs too, so that kind of obviously hampered things. But um, he said he used to have like nervous um actions and and he would more kind of like ticks a little bit, like put his hand in his hair or you know, move his fingers a certain way or whatever. And so he said what was interesting for him is that people noticed he didn't do that anymore. Um, but he didn't really notice a big deal. So I think it's um I think it's very, very interesting how I could hear his, you know, experience of six years ago and him saying, yeah, it was okay. I didn't really notice much, but I did stop those ticks. And then my other friend saying, you know, she went from a nervous system of, you know, 10, 12 on the scale to zero, you know, like she's just no stress, no anxiety. And I don't know how long that lasts either. That's another kind of thought I have. I mean, is this where you have to go get like infusions every once in a while, you know, like kind of you know, go back and and go through it, revisit it. I don't know. Um, and I listen to podcasts every morning. I was listening to Josh Axe and Jordan Rubin, and it was an interview. What day is today? So I can tell you if you wanted to go back and so today is uh Thursday, the 28th. Um, and um we're in May, May 28th. So I think it was from yesterday, maybe the 27th, or maybe it was this morning. And uh Jordan Rubin was just talking about how he had had had cancer and he had had um, you know, all these difficulties in life, and you know, trying to adopt kids and dealing with just difficult situations and health. And he was just talking about how important, you know, um, your mindset is and whether or not you'll survive whatever it is um in life. And and uh he said he took 40 days to eat right and to just focus on his life and his outlook and be positive and think good things and blah, blah, blah. And uh his oncologist told him he had 90 days to live because it was like this so aggressive, you're gonna die within 90 days. My oncologist, when I left, they said, Oh, you'll be dead within the year. That was just the way they said it. And I looked at them, he he basically told them to go to hell, you know, like, dude, whatever. I don't know exactly what he said, but I said the same thing to my oncologist by saying, only God knows what my toe tag says. And, you know, I'm fine. And I think he was right, though, that your mindset does have so much to do with it. And thinking about last night, um, when uh we did the sound garden, the whole theme was gratitude. I don't know if you could hear that in the audio. I'll have to go back and listen. Um, but it was all about gratitude. And she was like, try to find things that you're grateful for, you're grateful for. And a lot of people here have been talking about grateful. Um, they've been talking about how they're grateful for every day and every breath and every sunset and how they are real intentional about being grateful. And I can definitely say that is not an area I have been working really well on. Um, I try to be grateful for things and and I I mean, I'm uh it's the stupidest things that I try to be grateful for, but they're absolute things that I hate. So it's trying to be grateful for something I hate, and that's really hard to do um to try to change something you hate into something you love. And um, for example, just so you're like, what the hell is she talking about? Um, we have hardwood, I mean, uh hardwoods in different parts of our house, but the majority when you first walk in the house, the entryway, the hallways, the kitchen is all marble, and I hate it. It's from the 80s, it's got holes in it, it's gross to clean, and worst of all, um, it's cold on your feet and it's really, really hard, it's not forgiving. So I don't like my joints as I'm getting older are affected by it. Um, I just I hate the hardwoods. And so to try to change my mind, I'm like, I'm grateful that I even have floors. But then the second I say that, I'm like, no, actually, I'd rather live in a hut in Africa and have dirt floors because dirt floors are forgiving, and my mind would, you know, track down, down that way. Um, so I I'm trying to be grateful, but when she was like, find some things that you're grateful for, I really I'm struggling with that. I mean, the only thing I things I came up with was uh at the time was I'm grateful that I get to be here. And I'm grateful for my dogs, I'm grateful for some family and um my friends. And that was pretty much all I could come up with. So hopefully I can, you know, kind of think about some things and be positive before going in there. I do have some notes that I put on my phone that I'm gonna try to get together a little bit more and try to be a little intentional about what I want. I'm wondering if they're gonna ask us to come up with a word or a thought or if there's any kind of I I have no idea. Um I feel like I need to be okay that I can't control everything and I have to have acceptance and I want to have peace. I think acceptance and peace are two of my big, big, big ones. I mean, yeah, acceptance and peace would be if I could leave there today with a little bit more of that, I feel like I'd be in a much better place in like life as as a whole. Um But anyways, okay, and then I was gonna tell you one one more thing before I I go off. So there's uh there's a lady here and she's from Connecticut and she does some kind of I don't know, it's like women's erotic, I don't I don't know what it is. She told me the name. Um, you guys can message me. Anyways, they're gonna be here, a group of them are gonna be here, and they're gonna be here for three days having this retreat. It's only seven other women, so eight women total, and uh it's empowerment for women. And uh so I thought that was interesting. And I talked to her and her friend last night, a guy, and uh I just I I feel like I told them, I said, I'm learning about all these different treatments and these seminars and these mind camps, you know, kind of type things. And I said, I feel like a middle schooler, you know, who just found out information they're not supposed to find out, you know, when you're when you're a kid and you're growing up and you're like, oh my gosh, can you believe that? I didn't know that, like first learning about sex or something, you know. And um, I I said, I I feel like this little nervous energy, like when I was in junior high or high school learning stuff that I feel like I'm not ready to learn. I'm not ready to know that. Um, it was I I said it was like 10:30 last night, and I said, in the last nine hours, I have learned so much about so many things and so many ideas and and met so many people, it it's almost a little overwhelming in that aspect. It's a lot to wrap your mind around. And I would guess that anybody who comes here would meet different people with different experiences and that you know every single one of those would be different. Um but the nicest people here, I mean, I'm just saying super, super nice people. Everybody is uh engaging and fun and interesting and just very different, unique personalities, but I I appreciate that. I just think it's really cool. Uh so, but anyways, I'm reading the book, and I've got to tell you this since I've got it here. Um, I'm by myself in this big old, you know, rambling ranch house. Uh there's everybody in the rooms down the hall or wherever they are on the property upstairs or wherever uh RV is out there, but it's it's kind of weird to just be in here by myself. I'm sure I'll get used to it, but I brought my book to read. Um, anyways, it says um it's by some guy named Michael Pollen, M-I-C-H-A-E-L Paulin, P-O-L-L-A-N, and um it's How to Change Your Mind, what the new science of psychedelics teaches us about consciousness, dying, addiction, depression, and transcendence. So um, my friend who recommended this place also recommended the book, and it has been interesting and enlightening. I'm about, I don't know, two-thirds of the way through. And um, I'm gonna see if I make it through the whole thing. Um, it's a little more information than I actually need to know for sure. Um, but you know, I like educating myself and and learning new things. So that's what we're that's what we're reading right now. So okay, I'll be back when I go into my ketamine treatment. And like I said, now I'm like counting the time. It's two hours and 40 minutes away. So um yeah, I'm excited. All right, we'll see you next time.