An Unexpected Lesson - Episode 7

The first treatment didn’t go the way I expected.

Instead of the breakthrough I had hoped for, I found myself frustrated, disappointed, and wondering what I had done wrong. As the day unfolded, conversations, reflection, and a few unexpected insights helped me see some old patterns more clearly—including self-blame, people-pleasing, and the struggle to simply slow down.

This is a raw, real-time account of the journey as it unfolds, one day at a time.

#Katabasis #PurposefulDescent #MentalHealthJourney #HealingJourney #PersonalGrowth #CPTSD #SelfDiscovery #Transformation #EmotionalHealing #InnerWork #PersonalDevelopment #LifeTransitions #PodcastJourney #HealingInProgress #Resilience #AuthenticLiving

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Okay, so it's about six o'clock now, and I did well, I had the treatment, and I guess the dosage was too low, and I metabolized it differently than I should have or something, and it really just didn't work to the level it was supposed to. So I was pretty disappointed and frustrated, and I had a headache afterwards, and not major, just like a dull whatever. And I could feel that there was something in my body, but it was just a weird feeling. I did not like the feeling at all. Um, I was very disappointed, frustrated, sad. Um, I felt like I had done something wrong. Like, why did this happen to me? What what what did I do wrong, you know? Um, and I went through all those feelings and everything. And I did talk to Justin, who's one of the guys here, and I told him that. And he's just like, just, you know, just kind of go with the flow, just let it be. It just happened, you know, it's okay. You know, it's um the way they talked about it is it's like miracle grow for your brain. And so it could take another three to four days before it really does something. And uh, you know, so I was like, okay, okay. So I decided to go take a nap. And I took like a I think a 30-minute nap, and I felt better getting up. And I've just been wandering around a lot. There's not really a whole lot to do here. Um, there's a pool, there's a cold plunge, there's a sauna, and a hot tub. Those are pretty much the four things that you can just like walk to, get to, do. Um, there's hammocks, and um there's a group in uh a ladies' group with like eight people in our in a retreat center up there. I can't remember what that's called, um, up on the hill. And uh a lot of people work from eight to five and then they they're headed home. So a lot of people like uh the guy who does landscaping or um the lady who's helping decorate. There's a lot of changes happening here, they're all headed home. Um, and so I've been reading books. Um, I played a little bejeweled on my phone, uh, just hanging out, really not doing a whole lot of anything, and then um feeling feeling the frustration and all those feelings still. Um, but just having to go through the motions. So, okay, do I stay? What do I do? Am I really gonna wait around till till Monday when I do another treatment? What is there to do? I also found out I'm unable to drive. So, two rules that I did not know about was no alcohol, which I brought beer and wine. So that kind of is not cool. And then um, you can't drive after you've done ketamine. Um, I didn't know that. Um, I afterwards, when I got up from my nap, I was like, hey, let me go find this guy. I anyways, um we can call him Sam. Um, that's not his his real name, but um, I said, let's go find him and go get Boba and uh, you know, play some music. That was what I wanted to do. Um, and then I I felt trapped when that was, you know, nope, you can't go anywhere. And I was like, but nothing happened and I don't have any feelings, and you know, um, so I kind of feel like yeah, that's not very cool, but it is what it is. So I'm trying to make the best of it. I'm trying to be grateful, I'm trying to, you know, think positive thoughts, whatever. And then um, Heather, who is one of the I I guess she's a counselor, a facilitator, just a wonderful human being all around. Um, she was actually one of my friend's favorite people here. Um, she came and she sat down next to me. She's like, Are you okay? And I just broke down and started crying. And then we talked probably for a good half an hour, and I just told her, you know, some of my life story and some of the situations and why I have troubles with trust and I'm disappointed, and I really wanted to have hope, and I really wanted this to be this amazing experience, and I really wanted it to change me and the way I see and perceive the world, etc., etc. And she was just very kind and sweet and helpful and all of that, and so um I appreciate her. Um, anyways, then we went inside and I was um just sitting at the at the kitchen table, and everybody kind of uh congregates around different areas at different times. Sometimes people are in the kitchen, sometimes in one living room, another living room, whatever, and there's different conversations happening here and there. And um we were in the kitchen and Heather said, What do you guys want for dinner? Because they're ordering food. So we decided to um order uh Italian because I live in Houston, I get Tex Mex all the time. So when it was a choice between Mexican or Italian, I quickly jumped on that. And the guys here wanted pizza, so I was like, I want that, but I also want some good Alfredo. So we got fettuccine alfredo, we got a really great specialty um pizza called the Wild Hog. Um, we got tiara massu cheesecake and mozzarella sticks coming, and I could not be happier. I mean, I feel like it's comfort food. I'm excited about it. It's kind of making all the rest of this not feel so bad. Um, and we're gonna plan on eating outside. And uh the one of the guys who works here who helps out with just everything landscaping, fixing things, whatever. He also lives here. Um, and he he has a work exchange program type deal where he works 20 hours a week. It's supposed to be 20 hours a week, but it's sometimes it's 60. Uh, and he lately, because they've got so much going on, and um, he's going to pick up the pizza, and then we're planning on eating outside. I'm planning on putting some candles out there and just having a nice, a nice time. And then we might watch a movie. So I'm pretty excited about that. I haven't seen TV in a few days, and um, so I'm excited about that. But one of the things Heather pointed out, which I think was very good wisdom, was I've only been here at the time when she came, it was a couple hours ago. She's like, You've been here like 24 hours. We looked at the clock and it was. It was like 23 and a half, 24 hours, something like that. And she's like, I think you need to give it time, give it time. And that's a hard one for me because I always want progress. I want to move, I want to keep going and going and going. It's hard for me to relax. It I think I'm in go, go, go mode, you know, like go Will Robbins, um, all day, every day. You know, that's just my MO. That's just my personality. That's and and if I sit for too long or I'm just lazy for too long, I I feel uh guilty. I feel um like I should be doing more with my life, I should be accomplishing more, I should be doing more. Um, and I feel bad about it. So, like, even I I thought about this, even the other day, uh the Stranger Things guys, the Duffer Brothers, I like them, and they came out with a a new series called The Burrows. And um Mark Mark, uh, my husband saw it the other day, and he was like, Oh, well, you know, here's this. And I was like, Oh, okay, let's watch that. Um, we watched one episode together and then the second episode, and then I guess I we went on for our on our own, and I wanted to keep watching the whole thing. It was definitely not as good as Stranger Things, but there's a point here. I struggled with sitting. Uh, it wasn't, like I said, it wasn't super as good as Stranger Things, but I didn't get sucked into the point where I had to sit there for the whole 45 minutes per se series show. You know, I would get up, I'd go check on the laundry, I'd I'd get up, I'd take the dogs outside, I I'd um get up and you know, maybe clean up the room a little bit or pack a little bit or whatever. I just couldn't sit still. And I thought about it and I was I was like that back when we dated. I mean, I I just I always was cleaning, I was picking up things. I I just I think I struggle with just being still, and that's something to think about. And um, so anyways, and then also I'm I've just been frustrated with a few little things here and there. So um Heather talked to one guy, one guy's talk gonna talk to another guy. Anyways, I have a meeting at 10:30 tomorrow with somebody, and then I have my integration meeting, which is where you talk about your experience in there uh with somebody. And I'm doing that with Christina Joy, the same girl who did that. And I'm like, is there anything to talk about? And it was like, well, I mean, I paid for it, might as well, you know. So I'm talking to her at 12 o'clock. So I kind of feel good that there's at least something on the schedule for that. Um, so 10:30 to meet with the guy, 12 o'clock to meet with her, and then tomorrow there's supposedly two activities. One of them is either meditation and yoga. We get our choice. I think we decided meditation, and then there's something else I can't remember. So I like to stay busy. And so I'm I'm happy there's something on the schedule. And I did say I've been spending most of my time out by the pool. I've probably been out by the pool at least four or five hours today. Um, and it's very nice. I wish there was a water feature out here. Um, and there's no um, I would totally go get my swimsuit on if there was a pool floaty. And I have written like 32 things, little tiny things that I'm like, okay, we we usually actually, but they are like I said, they are really working hard to improve the place, to grow. There's a lot of changes, they're updating everything from their communication system to their landscaping to adding buildings, like a lot is happening. So, my guess is if you you were to come in six months or a year, it's totally gonna look different. In fact, Rodney, the landscaping guy, was like, he's only been here three weeks, he's got some serious plans. And I shared my notes with a few people, and yeah, they were like, Yeah. And I was like, Yeah, see this on Amazon and here's this, and this is a good idea. And um, so it's nice to be seen, heard, and collaborate and talk about things. It's kind of fun, whether it comes into existence or whatever. At least I, you know, I I spoke my thoughts, you know, and and Heather was trying to say it's good for me to to speak my thoughts, and it's not a bad thing if I feel sad or if I feel upset or frustrated or whatever. It's okay to say that. And I I think there's I was crying when I was talking to her, and I was like, but I I just want people to like me and I don't want to say anything bad, and I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, and I don't, you know, I I blah blah blah. A lot of, as they say, people pleasing. I think I'm I I really count myself as somebody who doesn't care what other people think, like I'm willing to do whatever, you know. Hell, hell, I'm a Christian at a psychedelic camp. I'm really not caring, uh, you know, if that's right or wrong or what people think of me, or, you know, hell, I'm doing a podcast on this, you know. So I do have a lot of bravado, if you will, but at the same time, I don't want people to be upset with me. Um, and I know that comes with the territory. In fact, we we were talking about that in the kitchen. You know, I have another podcast, and some people will just give me one one star and then not give a review. They won't give me any feedback. And I'm just like, whatever, you know, there's always gonna be somebody who doesn't agree with you, who doesn't like you, whatever. And that's fine. I'm I'm I think I'm to the point where I can handle that, but I'm gonna be here. So I don't want any confrontation or I don't know. I think that's the difference. And and when I told her about it, I said, I'm I always like if I have bad service as a wait with a waiter or waitress or something, I say it, but then I get to leave the restaurant. If I say anything bad about my experience or or how I didn't like, you know, my treatment and and how I'm frustrated and am I just gonna sit around, you know, whatever my situation is. If I say that out loud, it it feels like I'm hurting somebody's feelings. Uh kind of like if you go to somebody's house and you have a bite of their, you know, brand new pound cake and you're like, ooh, this tastes like chalk, you know, you're gonna smile and say, Oh, it's lovely, thank you so much, and kind of spit it off in your napkin, you know. I think that's the fine line here. So while I do have a lot of, you know, self, I'm okay with it, uh, I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So there's a there's a line there. Um, so I'm I'm learning things, I'm not journaling. Um, one of the ladies put a bunch of actually Rodney's wife, the decorator lady, she put a bunch of journals on the kitchen table. And I thought, yeah, I should maybe write just a few notes on paper instead of using the notes on my computer because it it actually lightens different parts of your brain. You can do a deep dive on that. But like teaching your kids cursive before print, it it activates different parts of the brain and it actually helps them to do print first. So um, that's what we did with our kids. I say I did with our kids. My husband never did that. Um, but uh yeah, so I'm thinking maybe I just take some notes, maybe doodle, maybe draw. I I had on my list, you know, having games or um having art, and then I found out there's a whole shelf with finger pain, not finger paints, paints and uh maybe they have finger paints, I don't know. Um paints and maybe coloring pencils and that kind of stuff. There's like a little art area, and then they do have games, no monopoly, but some other games. And there was cards, so I thought maybe we could play poker or something. I don't know. We'll see what we end up doing tonight. I'm definitely in a better place than I was just three hours ago. I mean, I I really think huge, huge, vast difference from three hours ago. And uh one of the other things Heather pointed out was, and I it's true, I I blame myself so much. I blame myself for everything, and I just take on so much guilt and shame and blame. And I blaming myself for what why didn't it work? You know, maybe I didn't I didn't think right, or maybe I didn't shut my eyes enough, or or maybe it was the half a cup of coffee I had this morning that was really watered down, or maybe it's because I didn't sleep enough last night. I I just kept thinking of what did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? And um that that's a rough place to be in. It's it's hard. And she's just like, just let that go. It'll be okay. Try not to think about it. And I think that's I've we all have issues, right? We we all have issues. I'm just trying to see what some of my areas of improvement are, not necessarily for everybody else's benefits, but for my benefit. Whereas I think a lot of my life and everything has been for everybody else's benefit and not for my benefit. So I'm going to be selfish and I'm going to think about myself and prioritize myself and advocate for myself and yeah, just stand up for myself and work on myself. And I think that in my in a nutshell is a huge step for me because even saying it in the past, I would say, no, you're supposed to self-sacrifice, you're supposed to give, you're supposed to be, you know, a soldier in God's army, you're supposed to, you know, put on the pretty face and say the nice things and you know, encourage and whatever. You're not supposed to um, yeah, you know, it was it felt selfish if I took care of myself. I I I would feel guilty. And I mean, even coming here, spending the money on this, I kept back and forth going, should I spend that money? The dog needs a ball, his balls cut off, you know. Um, and my husband's like, no, maybe we should breed him. I'm like, I don't think we can handle that right now. But um, anyways, I I was like, that needs to be done. We need hardwoods upstairs. I feel bad for taking this money for myself. There's just like this, I don't deserve it. I shouldn't have it, I should take care of myself. And even here, you know, if I'm just sitting around and nothing happened to me yesterday earlier, am I just sitting around here paying for I don't know how much I'm paying per night? I gotta figure all that out. But would it be better for me to go home? Or was it better for me to stay here? And I'm already like back and forth, back and forth. What's the best thing to do? Should I prioritize myself? What's best for me? Is this best for me, or is there something else best for me? You know, should I stay in a hotel nearby? Should I go antiquing? Should I be reading the Bible? I feel like there's so many questions of what I should I be doing? How should I be spending my time? What should I be thinking about? Am I doing the right thing? It's it's just overwhelming, honestly, because I have such a fear factor right now of messing up. There's a lot of money involved, a lot of time involved, and I don't want to waste the money or the time. I'm just very, very um, very cognizant of that. And I wish that wasn't the issue. I wish I wasn't even thinking about it, you know. But reality is most people are like me, and this is a lot of money, and it is a lot of time, and we don't, you know, we're not all rich billionaires sitting around on our yachts getting to, you know, go here and do this and do that and indulge to that level, you know. Most of us have to take those things into consideration. Um, so it is it as somebody said, it's an investment in yourself, and that investment pours over onto other people. I'm hoping that's the case. That's what I'm I'm hopeful for, that's what I'm thinking about, you know. Um, but if it doesn't work, then that's kind of a big big chunk of money. That's a a big, you know. If I go on Monday and I do another one, even if they give me the stuff, if I overmetabolize and it doesn't work, what the hell? I didn't even know this was an option, you know. So I don't know, it's a lot to think about, um, a lot to process. It's good though, as Heather said, that I'm thinking these things and I'm I'm processing them, and just the fact that I'm taking the time for myself, you know. She's just like, give yourself time. You've only been here 24 hours, just give it some time. It's you know, supposed to be here 10 days, so we'll see how it goes. I've done a lot of episodes now. I think this is episode seven, and then if you add the intro, I'm on like episode eight. I'm hoping I'm dropping all of these. We'll see how that goes. Um, but I am just free form talking, and so you know, it is raw and it is what it is, but um yeah, I'm planning on playing my Spotify playlist, eating some pizza and pasta and good desserts and having a movie and all that sounds fun. I mean, that actually really sounds good and fun, and I think I I'm happy about that. So we'll see how things go tomorrow. I'll be back. All right, bye.